The reason for this post is because I need a place to gather my thoughts, a lot has happened over the past few days, I have been reading about AF, PCE's, shit like that, and am trying to figure out what it all is.
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June 2012: Depressed and sad Jake with a bleak outlook on life.
July 2012: I read the Power of Now, a book all about living directly in the moment, how this moment now is all that ever exists. The past happened now, the future will happen now. There is no moment other than right now.
Reading this book did something to my psyche, the way I reacted to it, sent me into a state of being, a state of consciousness so pure and perfect, it felt like how enlightenment should feel. For 3 months I lived in this state of consciousness, literally the peak of my existance so far, below is a quote from my first post here:
I felt aligned with something so much greater than me that I couldn’t even describe it. It was as if the world was working in my favor, handing me things that honestly seemed too good to be true. Things would happen to me, small things yet so powerful and meaningful. I wish I could give an example, but it was maybe 6 months ago and I cannot. Anyway I felt perfect, nothing could budge this state I was in. No words or actions could separate me from this feeling I was having. I was so sharp and focused and funny and confident. These words cannot even begin to describe my feeling because it was so pure and natural. I felt connected to people in such a strange way that one of my favorite things to do was talk. I could literally talk to someone for hours and love every moment. The emotions I felt did not stem from my mind, they came from my body.
November 2012: I fall into a deep depression, complete anxiety over nothing, complete dread and sadness, I have never experienced anything like this before. This was the absolute worst state of my existance. Slowly it improved but not my much. However, I was somehow able to "will" myself back into this "state" I had experienced before. I don't remember how I did it, but briefly (from a few days to a week or so) I was able to go back to this pure consciousness state of being.
January 2013: I had no more willpower or energy to do anything. It felt like this state was lost forever and that I was permamently stuck in this dark depression. Around this time the search began for answers to what the fuck was actually going on.
April 2013: I find the DHO, make a few posts, realize that I had crossed the A&P event and was now in the DN, began some sort of attempt at meditation practice. Find some sort of balance in my life (lol, balance), able to improve my quality of life via meditation to something a bit more menageable.
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Since then my life has been that of a search for answers and for information in general. It has also been a poor attempt of trying to maintain balance and feel like a normal human being. There were absolutely highs during my past two years of existance, but nothing as high as this inital event that I had experienced.
This post was written because I have recently come across Actual Freedom, after finding out about PCE's. I now think that what I had experienced two years ago was in fact an extended PCE. I was able to somehow enduce further, shorter, PCE's after my inital long one, but since then have not been able to (I have never tried). The reason I have never tried was because I believed I had crossed the A&P (maybe I have, I do not know).
I have read a few posts here about AF, and about how Tarin Greco became actually free, prior to that he was a meditator who crossed first path. I have also read some stuff on the AF website (which is a very strange place). This chunk stuck out to me because it pretty much describes how I have felt ever since my initial (PCE?)
This past the half-way point is a most fascinating period for one finds oneself literally on one’s own, without the security of a social identity of any substance and adrift from the familiar security of being able to mindlessly indulge in malice, or wallow in sorrow. One finds oneself seemingly at odds with the world and its citizens for one has left the accustomed ways of coping, or avoiding, behind. It is possible to pass through periods of stark reality where nothing has any meaning and all is experienced as grey and dull. Boredom, meaninglessness, pointlessness and similar feelings are often encountered and this is where a continual memory of the pure consciousness experience is vital, for that becomes one’s single pointed goal in life while crossing what can be experienced and felt to be a desert completely devoid of usual meaning and familiar emotional experiences. Traditional and accustomed relationships and ways of thinking and feeling are all broken apart and there seems to be no way of putting anything back together again.
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My mind is a crazy place right now and I am trying to figure out what direction to head in. AF seems to relate to me much more, because I have tried meditation for over a year now, and I don't really like meditating at all. In fact it sucks most of the time, it's something that I force myself to do because I usually feel better afterwards and dont feel like a space cadet. My goal has never really been to get enlightened, it has been to "go back", or move forward, to live in a state exactly the same, or better, than the one I lived in for those two months.
However, AF seems fucking absurd, I have no idea what its about. The meditation path is much more stable, much more defined, however takes more work.
I am not saying I will not put in the work, I will do whatever it takes to make progress to that state of consciousness again. Actual Freedom seems like it is a practice that relates to PCE's, which I think was the bliss-out 3 month thing I experienced.
What is the relation between AF and stream entry, A&P, enlightenment? The website says it is a 180 degree spin from the spiritual life. I am shattered right now, using this post a place to release some steam. I plan on coming back here over the next 3 days, refining what is here, adding more, and hopefully getting some input.
My ultimate goal is to be happy. I was the happiest I had ever been in that 3 month span of pure consciousness. Ideally, I want to recreate that and live in that way forever, or something similar. My current goal is to figure out how the F to get there. Is the path AF, is the path meditation, that is something I am trying to figure out.
Bless your soul if you can make sense of this madness here.