Hi John
John:
I tried Direct Pointing and something snapped within me.
The thing is that I can't find a self anymore and I am becoming scared.
The mind body connection is scared.
Who did the pointing? If you can't find yourself, then that means "you" are still looking. Talk about it with your pointer?
If you are afraid, then go easy on the pointing, of course. If at some point you find you are interested again, then the question of "how can I not find myself if I am the one looking for myself?", approached with fascination and curiosity, could be fun to play with.
What exactly are you afraid of? It can't be death, since you are afraid of living (life here, in hell or heaven).
Suddenly I am very afraid of death as well. Like Budhists were correct about this, what if there is Heaven and Hell after the end of life as well.
First of all, be nice with yourself. Be gentle. Whatever is happening, it's harsh, so be easy on yourself.
Do you have real, in-the-flesh people you like to meet and whom you trust with your emotions? If so, go, call them, meet them, now! We human beings like to have good company around, it does us good, it's reassuring.
If not, find some. Join a sports club (I do Judo - nice people, cheap if you join a club, very grounding, good work-out), or some other group of nice, average people around whom you feel welcome and safe. Doesn't have to be a large group, or a group at all - one good friend alone is immeasurably valuable.
If you are religious, check out your religion's teachings on Heaven and Hell. For example, in Theravada Buddhism, practicing the five precepts is your "human card", your title to a human birth. Pure Land Buddhism contains the promise that devotion to Amitabha will get you to the Pure Land. In Christianity, depending on the denomination, you will find similar teachings, like the one in Mark 12:28-34 about the two most important commandments and how they lead to the kingdom of heaven. If you find you can trust such promises, go for it. Keep those precepts/devotions/commandments, and just dump that burden of worrying about heaven or hell onto that promise. Note that these practices usually have tangible effects in the present, such as making people feel safe around you, creating good company in the process.
If you are not religious - where are those fears of rebirth coming from? I'm not saying you should not be feeling the way you feel. Interesting question, nothing more.
I don't want to go to Hell I don't even want anyone to go to Hell. Why is there so much pain and sadness in this reality?
I don't know. I can't even remember the moment when it started in my life here, much less speculate aboout some kind of ultimate starting point. But I can do stuff here, now, which helps. See the discussion of the precepts/commandments above. Being nice and increasing the amount of good things happening has a net effect on decreasing pain and sadness.
Take care!
Florian