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Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry

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Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-10 上午2:33
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Richard Zen 14-8-10 下午12:12
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-10 下午6:04
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-17 上午2:49
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-17 下午10:48
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Elijah Smith 14-8-18 下午5:27
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-21 上午2:05
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-9-4 下午9:36
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Teague 14-9-4 下午9:54
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-9-4 下午10:21
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-9-15 下午11:24
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Dream Walker 14-9-16 上午12:08
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-9-23 上午12:37
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-9-23 下午2:56
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Jake WM 14-9-19 上午11:21
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-9-23 上午12:54
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-10-7 下午7:09
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-21 上午1:54
RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry Gerry V 14-8-10 下午5:39
Hello to anyone reading this. I finally decided to start a practice log as it seems as if that's the best shot I have at doing things the right way. A little background.

Have had several years now in what I now know as the Dark Night. First passed the A&P (that I can remember) one day when I smoked a lot of weed and decided to meditate (I was about 16). I closed my eyes, and did as I usually did, followed the breath in and out. Kept at it, next thing I know, I see a light in my mind, and feel myself being pulled up from the head, best feeling I'd ever had during meditation, never again to be replicated at the intensity and pleasure of that day. I'm sure I've hit the A&P other times, weed always brought out a certain introspective and concentrated side to me that led to lots of "inner" exploration and strange energetic things. I have had much trouble with Dark Night symptoms for awhile, but I'm finally at a point where I see light at the end of the tunnel if I continue practice.

Now to the present. I started Noting seriously about a month ago. I was always aversive to Noting just because I had had good experiences with just following the breath, and I didn't want to change techniques now, but I'm glad to have started. I can safely say that, in my experience, the best way for me to get to Equanimity is by noting. It takes me about 20 or 30 minutes (altough I seem to be improving on how quick I can get there) of noting for me to pass through the shitty feelings, then my mind feels more expansive and although the feeligns are still there, they are no longer a "problem", they're sort of just there. If I continue noting, the shitty feelings subside even more and my body feels relaxed and awareness is more panoramic. I'm pretty sure I've hit something close to High Equanimity a few times before. I got to a point about a week ago where senses were sort've morphed into each other, with no real distinguishable sense, if that makes sense, like if someone threw a bucket of different colors on a wall and the colors are sort've meshed together. Also at that point, I could actually see thoughts before they turned into thoughts, I sort've visualized them as wisps of clouds that when I noticed vanished before they turned into anything. I've had some adrenaline-y feeling come up at points at just how quiet and open things get, I guess I'm just so used to harsh sensations that when I get to that point in my meditation, I get scared, like I have nothing to hold onto. I note the fear and feelings and they subside, but it seems as if it sort've knocks me down the Equanimity ladder when I hit it. I don't know if it's just me wanting Stream Entry, and anticipating, or what, but I do my best to let go of those desires and note them when I can.

So do I continue what I'm doing any stay noting away, or am I going to have to let go of noting when I get to High Equanimity? I've tried doing the one syllable "that" note, and it seems to work well as long as my concentration is pretty decent, if it's not decent, then I just note with more specific words to avoid falling into thought stories.

Also, I've read that seeing the 3 characteristics is a very reliable way to get Stream Entry, but how do I "see" them? I've tried saying "not me" as a note (because if "I" note "it", "it" isn't "me"), but I'm not sure if I'm deluding myself or not, so I haven't tried that as of late. The impermanence I understand intellectually, but I don't know if I'm seeing things disappear. I just note new sensations or sensations that seem to be constant. The suffering seems the one I seem to know the best, although I don't know if I need to see it in a specific way. I don't know, I'm just throwing things out there that I've sort've been wondering about.

Practice time has been sort've been dropping off as of late. I started almost 3 weeks ago with a very sincere plan to hit Stream Entry and I started out for about 7 or 8 days meditating 1 hour on, 1 hour off, so more than 6 hours at least a day. But now as days have gone by, my practice time has gone down to 5 hours, then 4, then 3, now I'm doing about 2 hours at least, every day.

Today I've done a total of an hour, with another hour that I'll do before bed tonight. Started off with shitty feelings, general tension in the body, noted all sensations that I could, until I hit Equanimity, kept noting and felt like a feeling of relaxed well being surrounded my head. Also during this, and several other meditation sessions, I've felt what feels like a pressure, sort've feels good type of feeling in my forehead, not sure what it is, but feels kinda good, and I note it as well. Seems to go away most of the time if I note it. I forgot a lot of little details, but I'll update as soon as I finish my sessions so they can be fresh in my mind when I right it down.

So this concludes my first post, if you'd like to leave any advice, or comments, or answer any questions you are very welcome to do so. I'm a sponge, so I'm just looking to absorb all the information I can. Thank you for reading.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-10 下午12:12 回复Gerry V。
Gerry V:

So do I continue what I'm doing any stay noting away, or am I going to have to let go of noting when I get to High Equanimity? I've tried doing the one syllable "that" note, and it seems to work well as long as my concentration is pretty decent, if it's not decent, then I just note with more specific words to avoid falling into thought stories.

Also, I've read that seeing the 3 characteristics is a very reliable way to get Stream Entry, but how do I "see" them? I've tried saying "not me" as a note (because if "I" note "it", "it" isn't "me"), but I'm not sure if I'm deluding myself or not, so I haven't tried that as of late. The impermanence I understand intellectually, but I don't know if I'm seeing things disappear. I just note new sensations or sensations that seem to be constant. The suffering seems the one I seem to know the best, although I don't know if I need to see it in a specific way. I don't know, I'm just throwing things out there that I've sort've been wondering about.
Continue noting.  It's good to practice just bare awareness at times but the noting can help if you're getting slack.  Ultimately noticing what's there is the most important part of noting.  Noting is just a feedback loop to keep you honest in your consistency.  When you get comfortable with bare awareness I still would keep noting for difficult to see patterns.  Labeling patterns helps with the understanding.  I find that "confusion", and "strategizing", "analyzing", and "rehearsing" are areas that should be noted because a subtle sense of self is hidden there.  

I also would look at time and how our understanding of our self-story is through time thinking.  Noting "past", and "future" thinking can help you locate the present moment concept.  That concept is basically short-term memory.  Trying to find the present moment is a powerful tool in seeing emptiness of all experience.  This is because all measurements (including time measurements) can be fractioned infinitely.  Whatever happens moves into the past instantaneously.  You can do this in just normal experience.  Some like to note "gone" but you have to notice that gone is happening more rapidly than that your note.

The three characteristics I find works best when you look at impermanence first and then notice how clinging to things that are impermanent cause stress and because you can't permanently own anything that's impermanent then there can't be a permanent self to rest in.  

The difficulty is that you need to develop more depth and knowledge while not getting bogged down in complexity.  Investigating the 4 foundations of mindfulness is a lot of detail.

For stream-entry most people who've attained it say that you need to do retreat work to increase your chance of it and that you must develop equanimity towards all experiences (including thinking and intentions) so the brain lets go of preferences.  Gil Fronsdal in one talk I listened to plainly said that if you didn't get nibbana it's because you want something else more, hence most people follow a gradual path.  You basically have to want nibbana more than anything else.  This is where the habitual wants and aversions appears to distract your progress.  This is where wanting nibbana as a concept gets in the way of equanimity towards all formations.  So keep letting go of the push and pull towards any experience.

When you get to the point that everything is like reflecting on a mirror of consciousness you have to investigate consciousness and how it's strung together like a movie film with frames.  Impulses of consciousness.  But remember consciousness isn't seeing strobing just in vision but all the senses and thinking. That requires a lot of concentration and I'm still working on this.

Good luck!

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-10 下午5:39 回复Gerry V。
Time spent sitting : 56 minutes

Started the sit with unpleasant sensations in the chest and neck area, noted them as they came and went. Things started to expand, felt sense of the room felt wider, sensations still a bit unpleasant, but not as much of a problem. Felt pleasant preasure-y feeling in the middle of my forehead, noted and eventually went away. Dropped specific noting in place for "that" noting, seemed to help me note faster as well as started seeing vibrations in my visual field. Thoughts of progress came up, and how I could get "there", but I noted them, and reminded myself that there is no "there" to go to. Continued to note "that", sometimes would go back to specific noting if my mind kept getting stuck on thought loops of progress. Time definitely felt slower, I actually thought I had been meditating for at least an hour and a half, maybe even 2 hours, not sure if that's good, bad, or nothing of importance, but just thought I'd share. Also, I had a strange thing happen to me a bit after I let go of the specific notes. The feeling in the middle of my forehead came back, and even grew a bit in intensity, but this time, I could see a white light strobing in and out for I'd estimate about 10 or a bit more seconds. Strange. Not sure what it was, but it was kinda cool, noted it anyway. Also, at one point, it felt as if "I" was watching my body, as if the watcher was exclusively in the head region, and the body was sort of "down there". Sensations of the body were there, but very faint. Also at another point, when the sensation in the forehead region were kinda annoying and strong, I physically touched my forehead and the feelings immediately went away, must have something to do with focus or something.


So that's about all I can remember from the first sit, will sit at least another hour a bit later and will post anything new or interesting that pops up.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-10 下午6:04 回复Richard Zen。
Definitely consistency. I can see how that is going to be a key to progress. I learned that lesson outside meditation when I started weight lifting. The most important thing for me was going in the gym and doing the work, no matter how I felt. Just do the reps. Months later, I was stronger and looked better that I had in years. So I can definitely see this helping me. Thank you for the reminder.

I also have learned to note tricky patterns as well. "striving" "anticipating" even "space" when there seems to be nothing to note but the background itself.
I also see how time can get tricky as I notice that as soon as I note something, the actual experiencing of it at the moment has already passed.

I saw what seemed to be vibrations in my field of vision, flickerings that were too fast to audibly note, maybe that's an experience of more subtle impermanence. The suffering seems quite apparent to me just from the shitty sensations and the striving and disappoint when the thing I strive for doesn't happen.

The wanting Stream Entry is definitely my biggest obstacle I'd say. It's quite paradoxical how wanting it can prevent it from happening, but letting go of the wanting can open the door to actually getting it. Quite frustrating, but I note those instances as well.

Another thing that I'm noticing is that longer sits where I sort've "challenge" myself to go for longer than I want or than I planned are seemingly helping me progress and see subtle things that I usually don't see in planned sits. Sort of reminds me of weight lifting in that you have to actually challenge previous workout sessions to progress and build strength and muscle. Not quite the same I'm sure, but somewhat similar.

Thank you for your reply Richard

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-17 上午2:49 回复Gerry V。
So I'm still doing what I can, but I'd be lying if I said I've felt further progress. Past few days (about 3 or 4) have been especially rough. No energy, LOTS of pain, weird aches, feelings of heat and exhaustion, lots of anxiety. I moved on from pure noting to trying a more concentration, follow the breath, type meditation because I felt as if I wasn't really progressing anymore with noting. Started off decent, then about 2 days ago concentrating was just tougher. Now when I sit and concentrate on the breath it almost feels as if the shitty feeling get amplified and get worse. I try and push on, but today I kinda just gave up about 10 minutes in because the shitty feeling were so overwhelming (sweating and tensions throughout the body). I don't get it. I thought concentration was supposed to calm you down not rile you up. Maybe it's just the Dark Night territory and I just need to work through the feelings and push on through and stay with the object of meditation. I kinda want to go back to choiceless awareness noting, but I feel as if I probably need more concentration. Who knows. Today I layed down and just let awareness be sort've choiceless and the tension wasn't as bad as when I was concentrating on the breath. It's as if when I concentrate on the breath the shitty feelings are amplified, especially around the head area, and also around the chest and neck. Maybe I just need to go back to the breath again and again regardless of shitty feelings. Leaves me feeling kinda lost to feel like I cant get calm even though I can keep track of the breath pretty continously, it's just not pleasant, at least not at the beginning. I dont know. I just want Stream Entry. I just feel as if I don't have the energy at times, and then I get discouraged by feeling terrible. I know that Stream Entry is probably not the final thing I'd be looking for, not the final answer, but I really cant imagine anything worse than this. I've learned what I need to from this Dark Night, I just want out of it, finally.

Sorry for the, probably, jumbled mess. I just need advice, or encouragement, or both. Should I do choiceless awareness again with noting? Should I continue concentrating on the breath even though it seems to agitate me and stick to it? Seemed to be working well when I began it again a few days ago. What to do, what to do.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-17 下午10:48 回复Gerry V。
Sat today in a different fashion than the past few days (about a 30 minute sit). Sat in choiceless awareness. Shitty Dark Night feelings were there, but not too much of an issue after awhile. Focused on the breath for a few minutes until I felt my attention was too forced, so switched back to choiceless awareness, kept repeating this throughout the session. Seemed to work well.

One thing I noticed is that during choiceless awareness, I am quite good at seeing what's going on in my sense field. Noting things actually felt sort've stressful, as if I was grasping on to feelings. Had a weird head tension feeling whenever I noted things, so I just let my consciousness do what it did and just noticed what was going on. Noticed 3 characteristics as well as I could. Definitely more of calm approach than forcing concentration. Let go of wanting any result as much as I could, and just was content to let things sit. Towards the end of the session definitely hit something in between Re-Ob, and Equanimity, maybe late Re-Ob early EQ. Shitty feeling were still there, but not much of a problem, also bad feeling were starting to die down.

Also during the sit, I remembered an article in the Hamilton Project website about unfabricated awareness where you sort've see things in a peripheral way, and not in a focused way. Not "focusing" on things doesn't prevent me from seeing the phenomena that's happening in my consciousness either, so maybe that can be a fruitful practice.

So from now on, I'll stick to mostly choiceless awareness with some concentration on the breath whenever I'm not too agitated.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-18 下午5:27 回复Gerry V。
I see a lot of my own experiences in your posts, I think we have a somewhat similar practice history and are in a similar stage. I also find concentration can often make things worse, and modulate between concentration and open awareness. 
I am looking forward to hearing about how your progress goes.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-8-21 上午1:54 回复Gerry V。
So I've been keeping on keeping on with practice. Bare awareness is the best thing, I intuitively feel, is the best for me at the moment. I notice that whenever something negative, or even pleasant comes up, it seems as if the stress in my sits come from the actual separating and focusing on phenomena. I feel like the focusing on phenomena actually takes the shape of scrunching my brow, or even just a felt pressure behind the eye when I section something off from my experience, as if "I'm" looking at it, even though the "I" can be sensed. I don't stress about looking for anything, I'm just letting things come up, and as I do, I notice patterns of separation come up, things that I focus and stress about. In the beginning of my sessions, it's grosser pains and feelings that are noticed, but then as I let go of them by treating all sensations and feelings neutrally, things start dropping off, and the body feels calmer. My mindfulness is good too. I notice what's going on, and I dont wander into stories as much, and when I do, I'm fairly quick to snap out of it. Whenever I focus on something, I sort've look away from it, and peripheralize it symbolically with my vision treating it as another set of sensations, remembering that things are happening without the need to "look" at or for them. I picked this tip up in a Hamilton Project post called Periphery/Center, or something like that. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is what he's saying in the post, but it seems to work, and it's not like I don't notice phenomena when I peripheralize them, I just don't bare down on them. Things seem to be progressing, but I'm really not looking for much at this point, just enjoying the fact that the crazy pains I was having when I tried to force concentration practice are going away. Still facing general stress and the usual, but I don't feel as stressed by doing what I've been doing lately. Seems as if I'm noticing ways in which I bare down on things and stress myself out.

Anywho, that's it for today. Maybe tomorrow I'll right another post that's more concise, as this post is probably all jumbled as I had a few drinks tonight with a friend.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-8-21 上午2:05 回复Elijah Smith。
Thank you.

Concentration seems to be too forced for me at this stage, I just can't sustain the willpower it takes to focus on one thing. Bare awareness is nice for me since I can notice most everything that comes up, I just tend to get caught up in certain feelings and sensations. I'm going to keep at it, no sense in stressing myself out unnecessarily if it's not required. If we are in the same boat, then I hope we both continue progressing towards that other side. Everyday I'm noticing that this journey is not one that can be forced. Seems everything must be let go of eventually to attain path, so worrying about when I'll get it is another subtle attachment that seems to have been beaten out of me. Or at least keeps being beaten out of me, until it's finally gone. emoticon

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-9-4 下午9:36 回复Gerry V。
Haven't posted an update in awhile so here goes.

I've continued practice everyday since the last update. I've maybe missed one day of practice, but other than that I've continued. My practice as of late has consisted of returning to noting. I had posted in another thread that noting was just too stressful for me, but I've adjusted it to fit me. Now when I notice something that my awareness takes a hold of, I notice it and follow it up by saying "not me" or "not mine". I feel like that's a good way for me to note no-self in my experience. Somehow for me, labeling things such as "heat, pain, coolness, etc.." still had me identifying with them. So now noting takes on a quality of recognizing that things aren't me, or don't even belong to me. I hope I'm not deluding myself, but this is how I'm interpreting the second point in an article on The Hamilton Project titled "The Yogi Toolbox: What Should I do to get Stream Entry". Makes more sense to remind myself of the fact that things aren't me, especially all these abrasive Dark Night sensations. I also do Bare Awareness if I find myself too bothered by noting. Seems like most of the day I'm alternating between Dark Night shitty feelings... and Equanimity when I sit down to meditate, although the Dark Night feelings return again after at most 2 hours of decent feeling Equanimity. That is incentive enough for me to continue to break down the illusion of self.

Also a question for anybody who might be reading and might have an answer... When I notice something, it seems like my eyes are "looking" at things. So when I note something not self, is it correct for me to sort've look away from the sensation after I objectify it? I tend to do that when I notice myself clinging onto something, I "grasp" it with my eye attention, and I intentionally look away after I note it. I dont know if it's necesarry but it seems to metaphorically and somewhat literally allow me to let go of things. Seems as if that's the problem in this stage of practice, my attention gets caught up in harsh sensations. Seems like the clinging onto the thing is the problem "to be solved" to arrive at Stream Entry (that thing being every single thing attention gets caught up in until nothing is clinged to). I don't know. I'm just throwing out things that I've been noticing and coming to cautious conclusions of, although I'm not 100% certain, and am willing to change opinions if a more appropriate conclusion is made.

Another thing that I've noticed and have come to a pretty decent conclusion of is that the Dark Night, and probably Equanimity to an extent, really can fuck up your ability to focus. Writing this is a real struggle to be honest, and reading comprehension can get pretty foggy too. Maybe it's stage specific... hopefully. Focus seems to be stressful because there are so many other attention grabbing sensations all around that focusing on what I intend to focus on is quite difficult many times. I sort've imagine it like looking down a tunnel, but all around the tunnel walls are flashing red dots. The looking down the tunnel is the intended focus and the red dots are all the shitty or otherwise distracting feelings.

Also I've noticed that moderate exercise, or better yet, somewhat vigorous exercise followed by a day or two of rest is great for dealing with anxiety type Dark Night feelings. Drinking plenty of water as well as eating fruits and veggies everyday is helpful. So I guess I've picked up some really good and healthy habits even for after I get 1st path, whenever that might be.

Sooo there's my update, sorry it's not more concise or thorough but it's hard to focus at the moment, but I appreciate this community and all the posts everyone posts up. I always pick up something from threads even if they don't seem to relate to what I'm specifically dealing. I'm definitely more of a lurker but it does help to post updates every so often. So anyway, have to go. Thanks for reading.

P.S.: It's kind of weird that this is a journal and yet I'm addressing it as if I'm reaching an audience, I don't know, kind of think it's funny how it kinda clicked for me right after I finished. Ok enough writing, bye.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-9-4 下午9:54 回复Gerry V。
Gerry V:

Also a question for anybody who might be reading and might have an answer... When I notice something, it seems like my eyes are "looking" at things. So when I note something not self, is it correct for me to sort've look away from the sensation after I objectify it? I tend to do that when I notice myself clinging onto something, I "grasp" it with my eye attention, and I intentionally look away after I note it. I dont know if it's necesarry but it seems to metaphorically and somewhat literally allow me to let go of things. Seems as if that's the problem in this stage of practice, my attention gets caught up in harsh sensations. Seems like the clinging onto the thing is the problem "to be solved" to arrive at Stream Entry (that thing being every single thing attention gets caught up in until nothing is clinged to). I don't know. I'm just throwing out things that I've been noticing and coming to cautious conclusions of, although I'm not 100% certain, and am willing to change opinions if a more appropriate conclusion is made. 

I don't think it matters if you linger on the object or look away from it, as long as the action is taken without clinging or aversion.  Usually, to look away from something to divert your mind is a subtle form of aversion, but that may or may not be the case for you.  Perhaps next time you look away from an object, examine your intentions behind the action and note what you find.

One trick I've found useful recently in regards to clinging, is when I notice that I'm clinging or craving for something, say stream entry, I just say to myself, "Okay, crave away!"  And the feeling vanishes.  Its as though once we give some mental thought stream explicit permission it stops in it's tracks.  I haven't had any tough dark nights recently, but I hypothesize that it could work well there too.  Just tell youself, "alright, be miserable, I'll just watch."

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-9-4 下午10:21 回复Teague。
Yeah, when I look away, it's more of a representation of me saying that this is not more important than everything else. It's just another sensation. I do that because I tend to notice that those feelings are given higher importance than others and I can get stuck on a sort've loop where nothing else matters besides a certain feeling. Also it's followed up by a "not mine" note.

I can definitely see how that trick can be helpful. I'll give it a shot whenever a tricky craving comes up. The craving for Stream Entry is interesting beacuse without it and I wouldn't want to meditate, I wouldn't know what the point of what I'm going through is... but also, craving Stream Entry is another thing being held onto. Then again, I note that like everything else, I'm treating it all as if it were all the same, and not me.

As for your DN not being terrible recently, that's good! It's probably not necessary to suffer as much as people do. I think my suffering is the culmination of bad habits in response to the DN I've had since I was 16 or so, which is nearly 10 years. So I think that I compiled a lot of bad habits and aversions as well as bad cravings. I think that these patterns probably need to get burned out gradually, or at least enough for me to experience a cessation moment. I think if I would've known what I was in when I first got in it, and how to work on it to get out, I would've been far ahead of where I am. In the end I'm just greatful that I found this website. I honestly don't know where I'd be without it, they don't teach this stuff in school. I only recently am finding what techniques work for me. It's probably only been a solid maybe year of practice, if that, that I've been doing the right thing and going in the right direction. So I think catching it (the DN) early before you build up so many aversions to it is probably way better and is probably why there's such a wide set of experiences of the DN.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
答复
14-9-15 下午11:24 回复Gerry V。
Quick update, or at least, I'll try and keep it quick. Gonna just flow with this.

So, a few days after my last post, can't remember exactly what day, something shifted. The way I related to sensations sort've changed into something not so bothersome. Shitty sensations were still coming, but there was no resistance. I was actually kind of happy. Happier than I've felt, all day long, in a long time. My concentration was really good. It was strange. My concentration was seriously so bad before this. I guess the bad concetration was mostly due to aversion to the shitty, messy, irritating background sensations. Now this might seem like a weird example, but playing video games was easier. Before, I couldn't focus because it was just too irritating, but I was doing really well in the actual video game. Or another example. During conversations, I could actually hold a nice conversation with someone and not be irritated. Quite unusual for me nowadays. Things were easier to do, like physical exercise. I was actually very calm and felt pretty nice.

I continued practice, but not as much as before. I sat for 10 minutes here, and 15 minutes there, nothing too serious, but I felt good, and my concentration was good too, so what the heck. I'm making progress still right? Wrong.

About 3 or 4 days ago, I woke up feeling super shitty. Feeling hot all over my body. Pin prickly sensations were back, and concentration was terrible again. All in a matter of a day it seemed like. Looking back at it now, my backtracking probably wasn't so sudden. I got seriously complacent. My meditation time and quality was just not what it was when those shit feelings were there. Suffering sure does motivate me to meditate, and I know this now at a deeper level than I used to.

So, here I am, today. Still feeling sort've shitty, but I regained my passion for meditation again. I'm back to noting, this time with appropriate words such as heat, pressure, coolness, pleasant, instead of the "not me" notes. I feel like specific noting keeps me in check and I'm more present and not lost in thought when I do this. I slowly feel like my concentration is getting better as well.

Today I began with a noting session of about 25 minutes right as I woke up. Just noting sensations in my body. Then thoughts came. Noted those with no problem. Things got quiet, so I noted space. I seemed to hit my cutting edge and back to sensations again. Just did a 40-ish minute session, but this time I did concentration. Shitty feelings come up, heat, pressure all noticed or noted. Things got a little quiet, then things settled down a bit. Ended the session with some choiceless awareness noting, because my head was hurting a bit. So I have a question. Whenever I focus on the breath (at the nostrils), even if I "focus" on that, I can't help but notice background sensations, especially shitty ones. I can't ignore it, and from what I understand, it's probably not a good idea to ignore them, as that's probably a sort of aversion. So do I just notice the sensations and stay on the breath as well? It feels like it's a big mess of sensations soup when I focus on the breath. I focus on the breath, but I just don't have the ability to single out the breath. Do I integrate all sensations and sort've breathe with the sensations? Seems right, but I'm not sure. If there's another way, I can't imagine how.

So there's my jumbled up update. Just gonna keep on keeping on. If I hit what I think was some sort of Equanimity baseline again, I will do my best to continue noting. Seems like that's the problem around where I'm at. Not wanting to practice when things are easier.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-9-16 上午12:08 回复Gerry V。
Gerry V:
So I have a question. Whenever I focus on the breath (at the nostrils), even if I "focus" on that, I can't help but notice background sensations, especially shitty ones. I can't ignore it, and from what I understand, it's probably not a good idea to ignore them, as that's probably a sort of aversion. So do I just notice the sensations and stay on the breath as well? It feels like it's a big mess of sensations soup when I focus on the breath. I focus on the breath, but I just don't have the ability to single out the breath. Do I integrate all sensations and sort've breathe with the sensations? Seems right, but I'm not sure. If there's another way, I can't imagine how.
If you are doing concentration ignore everything that is not the object of focus (air tickling nostril) if you are doing insite stay with the predominant sensation. Don't mix the two till you get pretty good at concentration, than you can mix and hybrid them together.

Gerry V:
If I hit what I think was some sort of Equanimity baseline again, I will do my best to continue noting. Seems like that's the problem around where I'm at. Not wanting to practice when things are easier.
That is the big ol' trap of EQ....don't fall for it....it leads back to re-ob or starts the whole cycle over. (we all been there and done that...) Learn how to note again in EQ and keep moving up to high EQ....then drift....a little....
Good luck,
~D

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-9-19 上午11:21 回复Gerry V。
Gerry V:
Another thing that I've noticed and have come to a pretty decent conclusion of is that the Dark Night, and probably Equanimity to an extent, really can fuck up your ability to focus. Writing this is a real struggle to be honest, and reading comprehension can get pretty foggy too. Maybe it's stage specific... hopefully. Focus seems to be stressful because there are so many other attention grabbing sensations all around that focusing on what I intend to focus on is quite difficult many times. I sort've imagine it like looking down a tunnel, but all around the tunnel walls are flashing red dots. The looking down the tunnel is the intended focus and the red dots are all the shitty or otherwise distracting feelings.

Also I've noticed that moderate exercise, or better yet, somewhat vigorous exercise followed by a day or two of rest is great for dealing with anxiety type Dark Night feelings. Drinking plenty of water as well as eating fruits and veggies everyday is helpful. So I guess I've picked up some really good and healthy habits even for after I get 1st path, whenever that might be.

P.S.: It's kind of weird that this is a journal and yet I'm addressing it as if I'm reaching an audience, I don't know, kind of think it's funny how it kinda clicked for me right after I finished. Ok enough writing, bye.

Boy can I relate to this.

1. Attention and focus are all over the place. Reading is difficult but what's even more challenging is comprehension. Memory is also all fogged up.

2. I haven't exercised in 3 months and my quality of life has dramitally worsened. My eating habits have become worse, I eat about 70% processed garbage food.

It feels good to relate to someone else going through the DN. It feels worse knowing you are in the DN and not having the motivation to practice. Looking forward to reading more of your log Gerry.

PS: Now that I look back on my post and the other posts I've written here, its all about me and my experience. I apologize for not adding anything constructive emoticon

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-9-23 下午2:56 回复Gerry V。
Quick little update.

This past weekend was kinda hectic. My body and mind are still recovering from the after effects of some special event celebrations. Continued practice at least twice a day for those days, so that's a plus. Feeling kind of out of it and low energy. Probably due to too much drinking and not enough sleep, but I've remained quite equanimous towards the feelings. Not too proud of the overdrinking, but I feel the need to mention it as it might have some significance to where I'm at and how I'm feeling.

Have done a bit of metta at the starts of sits every once in awhile. Feels kind of nice, even though I'm pretty sure I don't have a great clue as to if I'm doing it correctly. I do some "May I be healthy" and some "May I be happy" ones, then switch onto family, and friends. Like I said, not sure if 'm doing it correctly, but it helps me concentrate and saying positive things can't be a bad thing, right?

After my warmup metta, I go to following my breath at the nostrils and I just notice what pulls my attention from the breath. Usually it's shitty sensations that do it, but I've learned to be ok with the feelings and just watch and note them. Feelings start falling away, breath gets finer, start noticing subtler tensions that pull my attention, notice them, note when I can, rinse repeat for a good 25 to 50+ minutes (If it's a good session). Usually end sessions with a nice bare awareness, noticing what's going on type of deal. Usually gets me kind of sleepy, but I'm aware so that's cool.

Baseline seems to be more Equanimous, although I'm not sure I'd call it that. Maybe an early Equanimity if I'm being quite honest. Don't feel great, but not terrible. Sort've bored, but not sure if it's the after effects of the weekend. My practice continues though, I know I can't stop if I don't want to fall back. Not really worried too much with getting Stream Entry as I was. I mean, I still want it, don't get me wrong, but when I sit I'm not thinking about it, just noticing tensions and placing the attention back to the breath. We'll see what happens though.

So, good luck to all of you who are striving well towards your meditation goals. I think we can all do it, it might just take some of us more than others and that's cool, we all go at our own pace. Can't rush these things.

And that concludes my little update. Thanks for reading.

Edit:
I forgot to add that on Sunday I had sleep paralysis. Usually I REALLY freak out and my heart races out of my chest, and I basically panic to the max to try and wake up. Sunday was different. I was conscious about it, but I wasn't really freaking out. It was uncomfortable, but I just observed the state and slowly willed myself to wake up so I could turn my fan on. Quite strange how calm I was with it. Never had happened before that way.

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-9-23 上午12:37 回复Dream Walker。
Thanks for your reply Dreamwalker.

I've tried to only pay attention to the tip of my nostrils and bring it back when I notice something else, but it feels like when I do that without spending a few moments to just look at it and note it, the sensations tend to stay and bother me. I don't know why. I used to actually be good at ignoring the sensations and going back to the breath, but now I'm kinda not (although that was years ago, and probably pre-A&P). Feels better to, I guess, Vipassinize (probably made that word up) the sensations that bother me and notice them and then go back to the breath. I feel like I'm running from the feelings if I don't.

I don't know for sure if the practice is right, but it feels right, and I haven't felt sure about a practice I think ever. Just intuitively feels right and is leading to what seems to be EQ. Then again maybe my concentration is good enough to do both concentration and insight as a hybrid and that's what I've been doing lately. My concentration is good enough to stay with what's going on and not be too distracted by thoughts, I don't know though, I have no baseline for what good concentration is so who knows.

I appreciate the feedback though Dreamwalker. I've been reading the forums everyday for the past few weeks and of and on for the past few months and the feedback people give is great. I've learned more here then I probably would've ever learned if I wouldn't have found this website. So again, thank you.

Gerry

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-9-23 上午12:54 回复Jake WM。
Hey no worries. We're all kind of selfish to be posting about our lives, but I like to think of it as a good selfish. Other people
s personal posts have helped me out tremendously. Even knowing someone else is going through what you are helps. I want Stream Entry not only to end my suffering, but to help others out as well. If there's one thing I've (painfully) learned, it's that people are really suffering. So if I suffer less I feel like I can probably handle their suffering better as well. Not in a holy type of way, but in a more day to day normal way.

Oh and as for eating well, I'd recommend eating some veggies every day. 2 servings. Some fruit helps as well. We were meant to have those in our lives, so that will help you feel better. Might not get rid of all Dark Night symptoms, but whatever can help is always nice. Also, drink plenty of water. Make a conscious decision to drink more water. You'll feel better. Exercising moderately helps as well. A nice walk, or a jog can help you feel better. Sleeping a good 7-9 hours a night also helps, so do that for sure if you can. If you're prone to anxiety as I am, avoid caffeine. Won't get rid of anxiety completely, but it will help. And just keep practicing if you can and if you're ready. That seems to be the thing that frees us from the DN the most.

Good luck Jake.

Gerry

RE: Gerry's Noting practice log aiming for Stream Entry
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14-10-7 下午7:09 回复Gerry V。
Quick update.

My baseline seems to have moved up from DN to late Re Ob/Low EQ. I do find that I hit higher EQ in sits, and also that I cycle back down to Re Ob from time to time, although the frequncy of that seems to be going down. Motivation to practice is down, but I think that's due to the shitty sensations either ceasing to bother me, or just plain not showing up anymore. Pain motivates the hell out of me to practice. I do remind myself just how bad Re Ob is so I try and at least do 20 minute sits when I don't feel like, or am not motivated to sit.

Things I've noticed include my ability to read is back. For a time I found reading comprehension just not there. My libido is much better. During the DN my libido was almost nonexistant. Somewhat paradoxical to the reading comprehension is the fact that my focus is wider. Feels somewhat relaxed outside of meditation, and during meditation I can notice the space surrounding me, I've gotten to what seems like infinite space. Energy is relaxed, just want to rest most of the time, exercising is down, but I almost don't need it to control stress, noting things is working much better than that, although I will go for a jog today. Pains are also way lower in intesity and frequency. Also, a few days ago while I was picking up the remote control, my hand seemed foregn to me, like it was me watching a hand picking up a control instead of "me" moving my hand. Pretty cool.

As for actual technique, I have continued to note. I can't believe how much time I wasted resisiting the technique, but I'm really seeing the benefits that the practice has for me. Note when I can throughout the day, but I make sure to meditate everyday. If it's not a couple longer sits, I do various smaller sits. Noting what shows up to me, and when things get super quiet and it seems that there's nothing to note, I try and look for the "looker" which usually leads to some pressure in the third eye area, or the actual eye. I note that as "attention, focus, pressure, slight pain" depending on how the "looker" is "looking" so to speak. Noted "space" today as things got very wide. I also notice the relay of information that seems to happen in the eye area. Like for example my tv makes weird little snapping noises outta nowhere, and they startle me a bit. My usual note is "sound" or "startled", but I notice when that happens my eyes sorta twitch which seems to imply that that's where the receier of information is. Gonna keep investigating that eye area, things got a little wobbly a few days ago when I was noting everytime I "focused" on something, but haven't been able to reproduce the experience again, which is cool as I just need to note what's there. I also have been able to notice vibrations. I'll be in the bathroom peeing and I'll focus on the wall and I can see tiny dots composing the totalty of my vision moving around. Not like those eye floaters, but like tv screen pixels moving around. Really cool. I've also noticed pulsing on my temple area start turning into tiny vibrations as well as just vision during meditation be vibrational. Don't know if it's significant, but I thought I'd share.

Things that I'm having trouble with are things like subtle thoughts that seem to carry me without me noticing. During the DN, that didn't seem to be as big of a problem as it is now.  Another is just lack, or seeming lack of things to note at times when things get quiet, or when my awareness is just scattered. During those episodes I'll look for the "looker" if possible, but sometimes even that is difficult. I don't know what goes on at times, but I really can't help but space out at times. I try and note, but I get sorta sleepy and not completely there. I'll realize it and note that I was carried away, or what carried me away, but a bit later I get caught up again. Guess I just gotta roll with the punches, practice can't be perfect all the time I guess, although I put in as much awareness as I can. Motivation to do much of anything is kinda low as I'm pretty spacey, although I'm very happy with my anxiety being reduced. I'd rather be chill than to be hypervigilant and anxious. Another issue is just frustration at times at not getting SE yet, but I try and note that when I can. I'm sure it'll come soon-ish, just gotta be patient and let go of wants when I can remember.

Oh and I also forgot to mention that about 4 or 5 days after my last post I fell back HARD into Re Ob/Earlier DN. I attribute that now to stopping noting. I think I need that feedback and objectification of the noting technique to keep me from falling back so far. Learned a big lesson there, I just hate that I have to learn these lessons by failing. Wish I was wise enough to learn from others' mistakes, as I've heard that falling back is inevitable if proper practice isn't continued, but I guess I'm just a damn knucklehead who needs to be whacked in the dome to learn these damn lessons. Oh well. Moving forward.

That's about all for my update. There has been much more subtlety and more experiences going on during all these days of practice, but for now that's all I can remember. It's very hard to remember all of the little things that happen or questions I may have during some sits, but I guess that's why I should start keeping a notebook on things... Now if I wasn't so damn lazy to do so. lol

Anyway, thanks for reading