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Jen Pearly's Practice Journal

Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-16 下午8:20
The importance of the maps to making sense of my practice and of my life up to the time I began practicing cannot be overstated. I'm grateful, moreover, to the people here who helped me, particularly through Equanimity, which in my experience can be quite the trickster, almost a trial-by-shifting-mirage. Keeping a practice journal here seems like the way to marry these two benefits by one mechanism. Besides, I'm back in the A&P again and therefore feeling zealous devotion to the dharma and practice.

Something happened August 8, 2014, that I and a number of other here think was likely stream entry. I'm not running over to the attainments section to claim attainment, because (1) I don't feel the need to, (2) I take seriously Daniel's warnings that even people of much higher attainments are fooled, (3) I'm confused about some of the ways my happening didn't mesh with MCTB descriptions, and (4) if I'm "experiencing" fruitions, I'm totally unaware of them.

So I'll backtrack and lay out some basics: what my practice was like, recent cycle history, the happening of August 8, and what I've noticed since then. 

But first I'm going to go watch The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Demensionemoticon

Love,
Jenny

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-16 下午10:14 回复_。
My personal weirdness history is here.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-16 下午11:26 回复_。
Brief Past-Year History

I've been meditating for 3 years, never been on retreat, and rarely sit more than 30 minutes a day and only a few times a week. I experienced A&P phenomena during the second or third time I ever sat. Beginner's luck, I guess.

From April through July 2013 I was in a clear A&P phase, with lucid dreaming many nights, culminating in the A&P Event during one of these dreams, in which I meditated. I had all the zealot post-A&P clarity that is classic, and from that point on had intense faith in my eventual awakening. Exactly a week later, and almost a year to the day before this possible SE event I'll describe, I entered DN and cycled around in that twice at the macro level until the second week of June 2014, when it broke and low EQ began. 

By the way, I've always been much better able to see the cycling at the macro level than at any micro level--I don't really notice cycling within a single sit--I'm just wherever I am at the macro level throughout the sit, so far as I've been able to tell. Now, during the DN macro cycle from February to June, I did for the first time start clearly noticing a diurnal cycle, with the worst DN around 6 or 7 p.m. each evening. This past DN was so horrible that I entered into severe agitated depression for the first time in 15 years and went on SNRI antidepressants, which helped a ton once they finally kicked in. Otherwise, I may well have ended up on a psyche ward.

From the second week in June, when antidepressants began working, I steadily climbed to High EQ, all the while seeing/hearing/feeling (but mainly seeing) MCTB type "formations," although without being able to clearly see the beginnings and endings . . . until August 8, when things changed and I could suddenly see the beginnings and endings clearly. I saw formations at every single sit for 2 months straight and experienced all the other characteristics of EQ, but assumed that I would fall back down the through the earlier stages again because, honestly, I've put very little total time into my formal practice (yeah, I'm a lazy Buddhist).

Meditation Practice "Techniques"

I'm not precise or purist about technique. I'm not a "noter" at all: I find labeling sensations in "noting" to be a frustrating slog. What I try to do is "notice," meaning that I observe the 3Cs, especially impermanence, without labeling. I pick skin sensation, or hearing, or seeing and just tune completely in. Impermanence will show itself right off the bat--at least it did for me--as flickers, vibrations, nonsolidity. As I've discussed with Eric, I did experience Mind & Body, Cause & Effect, and 3C when I first started insight practices, but, oddly, my experiences started with A&P (second or third sit ever). So it was like this:

A&P-->DN-->LowEQ-->M&B-->C&E-->3Cs-->A&P-->DN-->DN-->LowEQ-->HiEQ-->Path


I never experienced M&B, C&E, or 3Cs again, only one cycle. Furthermore, After the second A&P above, I never ever experienced any of those early nanas for even a minute during any sit. My sits always began with A&P, always. The fact that my second or third meditation ever started right up with bright, dramatic lights and intense bliss, and the fact that apparently SE happened with less than 100 meditation hours in from practice start to finish, makes me really wonder how much of my prior nonpractice life I've spent cycling and not known it. Can one be accruing insights and not be conscious of that fact? Or maybe there are past lives in some energetics sense, and I'm picking up where the last host left off? Hahahaha! 

During a sit, before I ever start "noticing," I enter calm concentration by following the meditation guidance of Thanissaro Bhikkhu. He translated one of his teacher's brief meditation manuals, called Keeping the Breath in Mind. That's basically my technique: TB with "noticing" embedded within TB's framework, which involves moving in and out of concentration states, alternating with insight practice by pulling "out, up, and over" the concentration state a bit. Another good guide by him is With Each and Every Breath. TB emphasizes that a key component of the practice is to assemble one's own practice methods and interpretations of results. I can dig that and do. So the main aids in my practice have been TB's meditation guides and Daniel's MCTB, especially the maps.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-16 下午11:46 回复_。
Night Before Likely Stream Entry

Thursday night, the night before the event I'll try to describe, I logged my sit with just the following words to show the sequence of what I noticed:

1.      Fast vibrations (seeing, feeling)
2.      Intense multilayered hearing of "silence" as particles
3.      Flows in the carpet arise, flows in the walls, flows wherever I look (formations)
4.      Trying to locate sense of self watching, failing
5.      Several feelings of rapid, momentary dislocation
6.      Intimacy with the flowing arises
7.      Fear arises
8.      Remembering to investigate fear
9.      Fear alternates with strange rapture
10.    Thought arises that I want and expect stream entry but am afraid of cessation
11.    Mild nausea arises (physical)
12.    Expansive feeling of love arises, nausea vanishes
13.    Surprise, wonder blooms
14.    Resolve formally to reach stream entry as soon as possible [this was the first and only time I've resolved this.]
15.    Bell and stop

Friday, August 8, at a Lunchtime Group Sit at Work (30 Minutes)

The event happened unexpectedly, right after the moment that an intensely clear realization arose about the now slowed-down, almost rhythmic formations I was watching arise and pass away clearly, from beginning to gone. What I call formations are like 3D "blooms." And their passing away is like a concave, inverted bloom that is blank at center--even black, to tell the truth. They are big and constantly fluxing and flowing. Normally they are moving so constantly that I cannot catch the instant of arising or the instant of "gone." Moreover, one tend to overlap another, so this fact makes seeing specific beginnings and endings hard (impossible till this day).

The realization was pre-verbal, but the way I would put it now is that the "gone" I could suddenly watch is actually still a kind of arising, and the reason that it is so is that there is, or was, the frame of reference that was the "real" arising. As far as I can tell, this crystal clear realization ushered me into a kind of collapse of duality.

As soon as I realized that "gone" wasn't actually GONE gone, absolute discontinuity! So I remember up to that moment, and then I remember back to what it was like when reality was coming back online. And that was really the most earth-shattering moment--the rebooting of the world: During those few moments, "I" was dislocated into everything around me, with nothing on "my" side, no center, no sense of within-body or location-grounding. "I" was gone!

I knew something transformative was happening, or had happend. I remembered to try to see clearly.There was this hard-to-describe quality that was visual, I think (but I'm not absolutely sure I was physically seeing), and the closest I can come to describing it is to point to what happens in planetarium shows or movies when they are trying to convey warp speed through the stars, and the stars turn into whiteness bleared out into bright white lines. The difference in this case was that there was no contrasting darkness or outer space background, so I'm not even positive it was visual apprehension of white lines at all. If so, my sense was of white-on-white/clear. I guess sometimes experiences are so unusual that all we can do is grab onto metaphors for them. At any rate, there was a quality of ZOOM! and radical dislocation, or diffusion, of center and ground--no "this" side. I now understand, "In the seeing, only the seen. . . ."

Immediately, and to my confusion, the meditation bell rang. And the oddest thing then was that I was almost paralyzed. I couldn't stop meditating, even when I finally rose, stunned, and we walked upstairs to the cafe and ate! 

The "door" was emptiness. I think this because, right before cessation, I was fixed on the passing away moments of formations and seeing that the "nothing you can see" is not the "nothing you cannot see." And I realized that positive formations and their apparent absence were not a duality at all. So it was the nonduality aspect that presented several clear times in a row and then cessation. The other reason that I think the door was emptiness/no-self is, well, look at what happened during reboot--my self was completely gone. Although--it seems in MCTB that all three doors involve some radical dislocation of self. By the way, now that I have had this experience, I find the Three Doors chapter in MCTB just opening on questions, not answers, for me. I don't recall anything like the descriptions Daniel gives of the three doors, except that there was a POW-POW-POW---cessation, the "POWs" being three distinct frame-like apprehensions of the endings of three successive formations.

Does everyone experience Three Doors as Daniel describes if he or she is seeing clearly?

Also, what the hell was that thing that happened afterward and why is it not on any map?

Afterglow

Thereafter, I felt different--and not subtlely different, but very different. Specifically, I feel noticeably less concentrated/localized within the boundaries of my body and immediate reach. I flow out further into the far off. Saturday I experienced cycling sensations of being diffused into all that surrounds me, feeling intense gratitude and weepy love for everyone (and telling them), and feeling a little bit scared/queasy at the sheer intensity of whatever has happened. At the restaurant I ate in Saturday, I could distinctly hear all the voices and conversations at once, individually, hearing each so acutely that "I" was there in the sound, not where I usually am, in me. It is hard to describe, but something is very, very different now.

I had a migraine headache all Saturday and most of Sunday. I sat only about 25 minutes Sunday night and again Monday night--but was itching, restless, aching, and unable to see even vibrations that I always do, both times. So I started to feel doubt. I guess I assumed one stayed in EQ for a bit after SE. Whatever the event was, after 2 days of afterglow, it kicked me out of EQ. However, the diffused sense of "me" remains. If this was not SE, it was a stunningly convincing imitation--especially given that my "progress" through the stages to that point was "by the book" and I have zero doubt that I was in High EQ.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-17 下午12:27 回复_。
Here is what I am noticing:

1.  Feeling "different" from the way I felt before the likely SE event--this is constant, so far "permanent"; specifically, my former "boundaries" seem diffused and extended into the environment, with none of the former frequent sensations of chest/heart contraction around emotional responses formerly identified with as "myself."

2.  About 99% of the time I no longer feel the need to convince others of my views, but when I do feel the need to discuss then the right words flow out of me as if I'm channeling a prepackaged perfected message.

3.  I'm no longer ruminating and worrying continually--and I'm normally a very anxious worrywort.

4.  I completely stopped posting on Facebook, which formerly was an addiction. I have no draw whatsoever to idle chatter.

5.  I'm very aware of an acute sense of hearing--this is very weird, especially considering that I'm a bit hard of hearing normally. I think that maybe this is just the auditory dimension of Number 1. In any crowd--restaurant, cafe at lunch--I can hear each voice of other people distinctly, such that it seems I'm more located in the surround-sound than I am in my body. This is not subtle.

6.  At a macro level of cycling, I'm defininitely back in the A&P; I'm exuberant in that almost hypomanic way that A&P was last year, with intense faith in the dharma, need for very little sleep (3 or 4 hours!), feeling like I can sit all night, and seeing/hearing/feeling fine fast vibration with a few lights. My A&P last year was characterized in part by frequent lucid dreaming that stopped after the A&P Event. Last night--lucid dreaming involving flying through space. Also trembling and twitching during sits--top of my neck feels so week and trembling that my head feels like it is going to pop off and float away.

7.  As of last night's sit, incredible concentration states--like nothing I've ever experienced. No discursive thoughts arise at all. The clarity is amazing. Normally I find it difficult or impossible to really stabilize these states because I have a tendency to see the 3Cs and am drawn to them. But last night, when I tried to do insight practice, it was as if I was pulled into these jhana states instead, regardless of what I intended. 

But no fruitions. MCTB says subsequent fruitions must show up within a week after a suspected stream entry. Do you think Daniel will give me an extention? 
emoticon

[EDITED to undo vertical list format, because it cuts off the text on the left margin.]

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-17 下午1:17 回复_。
Weird and Uncomfortable Sit, Things Still Turbulent (1 Hour Sit After Midnight)

Oddly, after experiencing several nights of unprecedented inpenetrably solid concentration, last night's sit was just very difficult for almost the whole hour.

It started with extremely fast fine vibrations.

Soon Fear arose--free-floating fear not clearly connected with any object of fear. So it seemed that at least I was going to clearly see and be able to investigate the cycling that is supposed to occur after Path. Interestingly, earlier in the day I drove on the Interstate with no fear, and this is normally a phobia for me, so to have free-floating fear arise so clearly during a formal sit, connected with no apparent object, does strike me as a call up of the Stages of Insight (Review, cycling). Also, since the event of August 8, I've totally lost the sense of contraction around the heart that is associated with all strong emotions. This was the first time I felt this in more than a week, which is interesting.

Misery stage is harder for me to pinpoint, but after Fear there was not emotional Misery but physical Misery--uncomfortable, with sevel jolts of migraine-like ice pick pain through my head, crawling scalp, hyper-awareness of this body and its failings.

Disgust stage arises as physical nausea for me lately, and it did again at this point into the sit.

Desire for Deliverance arose, I guess, as desire for fruition. And then, interestingly, this evolved into desire to stop desiring fruition.

Reobservation stage I did not see.

Equanimity stage--maybe I had a few moments of Low EQ during the final minutes of the sit.

I'm not experiencing post-SE fruitions that I can tell, but I don't think it is helpful for me to continue to hyperfocus on this fact. I feel so different from the way that I did before the event, both perceptually and emotionally by the way, that I don't care what anyone calls it or whether it is vetted as stream entry. If it wasn't stream entry, and I still think it was, then it was nonetheless what I have most needed. So I think that I now should bring more nonresistence to my sits and tweak the way I'm "looking for " fruitions.

I feel floaty, with smeared-out boundaries; gone is the contraction in chest or heart that I formerly identified with as myself.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-18 下午7:08 回复_。
A Double-Track Mind (30 Minutes)

This sit was rocky, or alternately rocky and smooth, perhaps mainly because of poor planning. I didn't decide ahead of time what kind of meditation to do (concentration or insight), so I kept changing my mind. I'm also just very weird currently, in the kind of way that A&P makes me weird and a little crazy. The oddness of the new baseline is probably contributing to this sense of being just weird now.

Early in the evening I ate some supper at Whole Foods. I was still and paying attention, and it did seem some Fear was cycling around. I do suspect that the micro-level of cycles is probably happening inside the larger A&P that I'm clearly now in, but I'm just not good at noticing it yet. The cycles seem to be speeding up.

My sit alternated between calm, deep concentration states that were wide (I'm really not positive I know how to mark the boundaries between jhanas yet), and impulses to notice. I really don't know what I should be doing in this Review stage. Daniel says to keep a journal and pay attention, which was the idea I started acting on the night before the SEE (stream entry event), coincidentally.

Perhaps the oddest thing that I'm noticing now is that there is simultaneous peace (post-SE) and overexcitement (A&P stage). It is like meditation is continuing on one track all the time, whether I'm trying to meditate or trying just to do my daily activities, while discursive thought is on overdrive on a separate but simultaneous track even when I'm formally meditating. I have never experienced this double-track mind before August 8. I seem to be able to meditate and think at the same time without either activity interferring with the other. 

Intuitively, I feel like I want to nail down some jhanas, but MCTB suggests waiting till after mastery of the insight nanas. 

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-23 下午6:40 回复_。
Really looking forward to an update!

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-24 上午2:30 回复Tom O.。
I've slacked off. But if people are reading, that may make me more diligent. I'm also editing MCTB2, so that has at least been dharma-focused. emoticon

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-24 上午2:57 回复_。
Jen Pearly:
I've slacked off. But if people are reading, that may make me more diligent. I'm also editing MCTB2, so that has at least been dharma-focused. emoticon
Diligence...and make a resolution...then let it go and just see what happens; "get" to EQ again and then no more striving.
Good luck,
~D

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-24 上午3:13 回复Dream Walker。
Okay. DW--I've been clearly in A&P since that August 8 thing. I even started hanging out in the Magick subforum, which I never do. I mentioned that to Daniel, and he said that sudden interest in the powers is an A&P thing: "You hit A&P stage and think, 'Oh magick, of course!'" Funny how strong the pull of these stages is!

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-24 下午7:10 回复_。
The honeymoon phase feels like one long super A&P...it might be. Do some magic...manifest some silly stuff you want by going to the thrift store...you might be suprised...pop some tags.
PM'd you
~D

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-25 下午9:04 回复_。
August 25, 2014 (36 Minutes)

I’ve been feeling rather “stuck” and confused about my meditation practice since SE. I’ve sensed the double-track mind and experienced indecisiveness about what kind of meditation to do and how I should approach doing it.

I spent 20 minutes in concentration meditation, which feels wicked deep now and seems effortless, even though I sometimes realize that I’m not in the moment but instead remembering, thinking, or fantasizing. It is very odd to be thinking yet feeling somehow deep in mediation at the same time. I guess I should ask someone about this if it keeps occurring. It is so strange. By feeling that I’m “in meditation,” I mean that I feel enmeshed with surroundings, spacious, flowing, and concentrated despite thoughts. I feel that way in daily life now, except for “concentrated.” I still tend to be ADD in daily life, so I wouldn’t say that I’m always concentrated. I’m always much less in my body now than before, though. Sensations are like a bodily aura instead of bodily core. It is like “inner” and “outer” have flipped to some extent.

I tend to have poor discernment of which jhana I’m in, but I think the reason for this may be that I hang out in 3 and maybe 4 most of the time that I practice concentration (even pre-SE). I usually feel like I go straight from access concentration to third jhana, maybe fourth. And that is no different now, except that whichever one happens is much more intensely itself now. Oddly, I’m not seeing the nimitta anymore, though, just solid blackness. I’m not seeing even the usual patterns behind my lids. Anyway, I seem to skip over the intense bliss and even pleasure (1 and 2) to something more spacious and peaceful, even though I never set out intending to “skip” any of the jhanas. Tonight my sense of a body disappeared rather quickly. I couldn’t even feel my hands’ contact with my thighs and vice-versa when I deliberately checked for the sensation. I had been like this for a few minutes, but when I recognized that I wasn’t feeling my body, the recognition jolted me out of the concentration.

This jolt reminded me of the insight stage of Fear. Oh, yeah! I’m supposedly in Review stage. This means that I should be reviewing and mastering, right? So I opened my eyes at around the 20-minute mark, to try to discern an insight stage. I was receiving mixed signals, so I decided to try actively intending to experience certain stages. After all, if I’m in Review, then I should probably feel free to experiment. So I called A&P and did feel some bliss and see sparkles in the carpet. I went for EQ, and started seeing what I call formations again and investigating panoramic peace sensations. Investigating peace was a little strange because it was paradoxically a bit stressful, and the floor kept seeming to spin a quarter spin, like I was getting some vertigo. So then I called up Fear, and my heart started palpitating, which scared me in earnest. Soon after this, I stopped my sit. It was far past bedtime, and this sit, though short, sapped my energy.

When I could feel my body, though, it was still and very comfortable, like I could sit all night. Effortlessly, I sat straight up the whole time, with open-hearted posture. My crossed legs fell asleep, though, which is always annoying when I unfold them and experience the pins and needles. Still, it is nice to have the body at peace throughout a sit. I actually had quite a bit of restlessness and body pain back when I was in Low EQ.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-25 下午9:25 回复Dream Walker。
Hmm, yeah, magick. I'm suddenly really drawn to all that. Interestingly, Friday, during my lunchtime sit at work, I got as deep as I could in concentration and then let fly an intention that my sister's sex discrimination trial court loss would be reversed and remanded. Her lawyer was in Birmingham to give oral arguments before the appellate judges that same day. That night, she called me, excited. She said that the judges really battered the opponent attorney for the State of Florida, my sister's employer.

Her case's merit is obvious. She is Chief of Operations of a bureau, but all her male counterparts, with less in the way of experience and credentials, make significantly more money than she. Worse, a man with little experience who actually reports to her makes 12K more a year! She has been struggling financially. We were all shocked when the trial court judge dismissed her case!

After that sit, I was sure the decision would be reversed. And it was.

I'm wanting further guidance on the ethics of this sort of thing, though, especially concerning big, big things. For example, my husband's brother has Stage 4 rectal cancer. Do I intend for him to fully recover? Any questionnable ethics here since he would not know I'm doing this?

I found out in February that, very unfortunately, I'm one of the estimated 1.7% of people who have two copies of the major risk allele for Alzheimer's disease, and this genetic profile means that, if the disease is going to occur, it will likely start soon (within a few years). This news was devastating to me because it was nowhere on my radar. Only my mother's father's mother had dementia in her 70s. I've been struggling to accept that I may start losing my mind in a few years. It is hard. I don't want my son and husband to suffer through such a horrible "long goodbye." Do I practice magick over such a thing, and repeatedly? Or do I work toward acceptance?

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-25 下午10:15 回复_。
Jen Pearly:
August 25, 2014 (36 Minutes)

My crossed legs fell asleep, though, which is always annoying when I unfold them and experience the pins and needles. Still, it is nice to have the body at peace throughout a sit. I actually had quite a bit of restlessness and body pain back when I was in Low EQ.
Just curious how you cross your legs?  Indian style where one is crossed over the other?  If so, maybe try Burmese style where you pull one foot in and then pull the other in front of it.  You can google it to see pictures.  It's the only way I found where my legs didn't fall asleep.  But you've made it this far, so maybe it's not a huge deal.
 
On the subject of Alzheimer’s:  There is a talk by Shinzen Young in his series "The Science of Enlightenment" (I can't tell you which talk exactly) where he talks about mindfullness in a state of dementia.  I can’t remember all of the details, but there is some kind of medication he has to take all the time (for thyroid, I think), and a group wanted to do a study on people when they went off the medication in a controlled setting.  What happens when people go off is that they fall into a state of severe dementia (basically Alzheimer’s), but they come out of it as soon as they resume the dosage.  Shinzen thought it would be interesting to see if his spiritual attainments would persevere into that state.  He reported that they entirely did; even though he didn’t know what was going on around him he was perfectly content.
 
I’m sorry to hear that news, but at least you’ve reached some attainments that could help.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-25 下午10:48 回复Teague。
Thanks, Teague. I'll look into that way of positioning the legs. I sit "Indian-style." I think my cushion may not be optimal height, too, so I should experiment with removing some of the buckwheat hulls.

That is interesting about Young's report. I'll look for that. I found out about the genetics by accident. I would never have expected that result since, as I say, I know of only one person on either side of a large family that had any dementia, three generations up. Many people who learn of that profile become clinically depressed after learning, which is what happened to me, too, in February (all mixed up with DN subcycles, too). It happens particularly when they aren't expecting it. I am very attached to my 19-year-old son, so the initial grief was feeling that I might not see him graduate law school, might not ever see grandchildren--that whole spiral. I had picked out the way I wanted to die, don't you know, and it involved meditation, not losing my mind well before losing my body.

Well, it is not certain that I'll get the disease, although, supposedly, there is anywhere from a 13-fold to 21-fold increased risk over the norm, at at a younger age. The disease is polygenic, so there is a cocktail of genes involved, not just this one, only researchers are not yet sure which other genes are involved. Also environmental/lifestyle factors undoubtedly play a role. Anyway, it has been a lot to digest, along with empty nest syndrome and turning 50 all at the same time this hit. I'm so relieved to have stream entry, at least. 

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-27 上午12:09 回复_。
Jen Pearly:
I’ve been feeling rather “stuck” and confused about my meditation practice since SE. I’ve sensed the double-track mind and experienced indecisiveness about what kind of meditation to do and how I should approach doing it.
Just keep up the diligence....enjoy yourself and explore for the fun of new experiences....you did good work and now it's time to have some fun....when you look back after things change (impermanence remember?) make sure you can say I had fun, explored well...mastered new things while they were available and now ready to get back to "real" work again. (second path DN anyone?)

Jen Pearly:
I spent 20 minutes in concentration meditation, which feels wicked deep now and seems effortless, even though I sometimes realize that I’m not in the moment but instead remembering, thinking, or fantasizing. It is very odd to be thinking yet feeling somehow deep in mediation at the same time. I guess I should ask someone about this if it keeps occurring. It is so strange. By feeling that I’m “in meditation,” I mean that I feel enmeshed with surroundings, spacious, flowing, and concentrated despite thoughts. I feel that way in daily life now, except for “concentrated.” I still tend to be ADD in daily life, so I wouldn’t say that I’m always concentrated. I’m always much less in my body now than before, though. Sensations are like a bodily aura instead of bodily core. It is like “inner” and “outer” have flipped to some extent.
"In Soviet Russia, meditation does you...."

Jen Pearly:
I tend to have poor discernment of which jhana I’m in, but I think the reason for this may be that I hang out in 3 and maybe 4 most of the time that I practice concentration (even pre-SE). I usually feel like I go straight from access concentration to third jhana, maybe fourth. And that is no different now, except that whichever one happens is much more intensely itself now. Oddly, I’m not seeing the nimitta anymore, though, just solid blackness. I’m not seeing even the usual patterns behind my lids. Anyway, I seem to skip over the intense bliss and even pleasure (1 and 2) to something more spacious and peaceful, even though I never set out intending to “skip” any of the jhanas. Tonight my sense of a body disappeared rather quickly. I couldn’t even feel my hands’ contact with my thighs and vice-versa when I deliberately checked for the sensation. I had been like this for a few minutes, but when I recognized that I wasn’t feeling my body, the recognition jolted me out of the concentration.
Welcome to arupa..not just an island anymore.

Jen Pearly:
This jolt reminded me of the insight stage of Fear. Oh, yeah! I’m supposedly in Review stage. This means that I should be reviewing and mastering, right? So I opened my eyes at around the 20-minute mark, to try to discern an insight stage. I was receiving mixed signals, so I decided to try actively intending to experience certain stages. After all, if I’m in Review, then I should probably feel free to experiment. So I called A&P and did feel some bliss and see sparkles in the carpet. I went for EQ, and started seeing what I call formations again and investigating panoramic peace sensations. Investigating peace was a little strange because it was paradoxically a bit stressful, and the floor kept seeming to spin a quarter spin, like I was getting some vertigo. So then I called up Fear, and my heart started palpitating, which scared me in earnest. Soon after this, I stopped my sit. It was far past bedtime, and this sit, though short, sapped my energy.
Call up the highest nana/jhana and then fall asleep....meditate while sleeping...fun stuff to try.

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-8-27 上午12:43 回复_。
Jen Pearly:
Hmm, yeah, magick. I'm suddenly really drawn to all that.

I'm wanting further guidance on the ethics of this sort of thing, though, especially concerning big, big things. For example, my husband's brother has Stage 4 rectal cancer. Do I intend for him to fully recover?
Hmmm... this gets very complicated and is a longer conversation than I'm willing to type; PM me if you wanna skype or google hangout. But here's the short version - There are a great many factors involved with what is happening. Some of the factors can be changed by you. In fact this may be one of the factors. Lets say that for his highest good things are unfolding as they should. Should you interfere? Drag out the illness possibly? Create additional suffering?
Lets say his highest good is to recover completely and you can be instrumental in this. What to do? Cut to the chase and add your intention to his highest good whatever that may be...send loving kindness/energy with it to be used for his highest good.
Jen Pearly:
Any questionnable ethics here since he would not know I'm doing this?
Traditional shamanic healing ethics state clearly that you not interfere without consent. Get his consent. It is easy to get in the form he can accept usually....unless they are bastards or you screw up by framing it in unacceptable terms.
Wishing someone their highest good without consent I tend to see as morally ok. If not totally squeeky clean.

Oh, and fuck'em if they don't like it.emoticon

Jen Pearly:
I found out in February that, very unfortunately, I'm one of the estimated 1.7% of people who have two copies of the major risk allele for Alzheimer's disease, and this genetic profile means that, if the disease is going to occur, it will likely start soon (within a few years). This news was devastating to me because it was nowhere on my radar. Only my mother's father's mother had dementia in her 70s. I've been struggling to accept that I may start losing my mind in a few years. It is hard. I don't want my son and husband to suffer through such a horrible "long goodbye." Do I practice magick over such a thing, and repeatedly? Or do I work toward acceptance?
Sorry to hear. I would do both, magick to change the probabilities and acceptance of the now. I would not accept negative scripted stories of mind content about the future. Make logical plans as contingencies but don't start feeding this script. Feed the intention of the script you want. You might even add your own highest good if you can get to that place of equanimity towards yourself. If the worst happens so be it....you may slip in the shower and die tomorrow and then won't you feel stupid? emoticon

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-9-1 下午5:08 回复Dream Walker。
Thanks, DW. I really appreciate all your tips and engagement here. I've slept for almost 3 days straight and was reprimanded Friday at work for "venting frustration" lately over departmental processes, or lack thereof. So I'm a bit concerned that I'm now sliding into dissolution. Still, I'll keep trying to explore new perspectives. 

RE: Jen Pearly's Practice Journal
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14-9-1 下午5:24 回复_。
I've had several sits but not the wherewithal to record what they involved. I've been sleeping a lot suddenly--a lot! and I've been grumpy. I've sought solitude. It seems like I'm experiencing some dissolution, just when I was really enjoying my A&P reunion! I'm really busy with editing MCTB2, which is quite time-consuming and pretty difficult actually after I've been editing all day at work, so maybe I'm just a bit run down in the mudane way human beings can be.

In brief, my past few sits were not unusual except in that at times emotions arose spontaneously. Once it was tears, even though I felt neither clearly happy nor clearly sad. It was almost just a detox cry. Another time involved blissful raptures, which really haven't been a thing for more than a year. 

I may as well mention another difference since stream entry. It has to do with sleep and waking from sleep. My sleep seems incredibly deep now, even though normally I have light, shitty sleep. The remarkable dimension of sleep, however, is what happens when I wake. For some moments, I cannot sense my body. Then what I sense is several vibrating copies of my body that feel like they are coming together and then vibrating apart, coming together and vibrating apart--like I'm a deck of cards being shuffled and reshuffled. It is quite bizarre and has occurred during every waking since August 8. If I sit still right now, I can feel this effect reproduced in a somewhat weakened form. No idea about this, have never read about or heard of such an experience. Basically, there is something profoundly shape-shifting about my boundaries now.