I believe I was close to stream entry
a couple of years ago, but lost momentum due to all responsibilities connected to family life. I decided to use parenthood as a vehicle to decrease my ego, and wait for a more suitable time in life to do serious meditation.
I found a western tantra school called
The New Tantra that is using the methods of
Crazy Wisdom. I attended a level 1 retreat in May this year and came home from a level 2 retreat six days ago. The idea is that instead of “life denial” use the sexuality as a springboard to the spiritual. In an intimate situation you are vulnerable and more easily open up. Issues like shame, guilt, romantic dreaming, codependency, fear of rejection, emotional or intimate neediness, need for outer approval, etc, are addressed at the retreats.
The second night of the four day retreat begins with an exercise called “non-interference”. Everyone are using outer attributes (I don't dare to tell you the details

) to put yourself in such an odd situation that you don’t take yourself so seriously. You open up. You don’t really know who you are any longer. The ego is confused. Then you get approximately the following instructions:
Close your eyes and listen to the teachers’ voice. Focus in into your head, and then down your throat, and down through the whole body down to the feet. Then focus out to outer sounds. Open your eyes and stay focused on outer stimuli during the whole exercise. Forget yourself. When you feel ready, go to the middle of the room (the floor is covered with mattresses). Lie down and let the body do whatever it wants, without interference from thoughts or emotions - "be" spontaneous, but don't really do anything actively, follow the least resistance. Almost like Shikantaza. Roll around, crawl, interact with someone, space out, etc. No rules.
During the exercise I gradually found myself in a very deep state (called "satori" in tantra, and this was confirmed by the teacher the day after; "multiple satoris" he said). I could not speak. I had almost no thoughts. It was hard to keep track of time. I didn't move much. Sometimes a limb moved, and then suddenly the whole body "froze" in the current position for several minutes, and then moved again, etc. At one point I was lying down on the floor and closed my eyes. I don't know for how long. When I opened my eyes I was looking straight into the eyes of this beautiful soul. She was in the same state and we looked into each others left eye (another exercise in this tantra school). It was the deepest connection I have ever made with anyone in my life! I saw myself in her. She reflected my ego. I saw my attachment and my aversion. Truly amazing. Weird. We did that for an hour maybe, and then started to interact with other people again.
I felt I had been given a gift, and wanted to pass it on. I "tried" to connect with other retreatants via eyecontact and body language (I could still not speak). Only one got the message, and couldn't resist my gaze. It lasted for a few minutes maybe. The day after he appoached me and told me essentially what I had experienced myself with that girl - it was the deepest connection he had ever made with anyone in his life!
At a later point during the exercise I was sitting on a bench and was really spaced out. Another retreatant approached me and asked if I was on drugs. I half-way broke the state and explained that I had not taken any drugs, not even alcohol. She was not convinced

. She left and I went deeper again. Suddenly my head moved 90 degrees to the right and I again looked straight into the left eye of that beautiful soul who I interacted with earlier. She was standing at a distance from me. After a few minutes she approached me, and we gazed at each other for I don't know how long. Tiredness made us finally pop out of satori.
It seems like satori only can be communicated if both are in satori, and it will be a wordless communication. It cannot even be communicated between these two minds when they have popped out of it. I was so deeply disappointed when I realized that, and was too baffled to be able to speak about that insight. I realized that when you pop out of satori you are thrown back into fundamental loneliness again, where any communication with another mind will be tainted in some sense.
That realization made me very sad, and I was holding back during the sharings. I felt like a bottle with tears that tried to empty itself through a too small opening. I feel very grateful for the experience of being so deeply connected to someone.
On the level 1 retreat the teacher said that the tantra “satori” is equivalent to the zen “kensho”. In the kensho Wikipedia article there are
a couple of contemporary accounts that are very different from each other, which confuses me. They are quoted below.
This account of kensho sounds like what I experienced at the level 2 retreat. My experience lasted for hours and I was very spaced out:
"[...] One day as I walked by, I looked at the hill and it was truly amazing. I was totally lost as if there was no 'me'. I stood gazing at the hill. Some students walked by and one of them said something like 'look at that crazy monk'. Finally I came out of it. [...]"
This account sounds more like stream entry as described in MCTB:
"At around midnight on the seventh and final night of my practice, the boom of a bell from a distant temple reached my ears: suddenly, my body and mind dropped completely away. [...]"
1. Is tantra satori the same as zen kensho?
2. Is tantra satori the same as Theravada stream entry?
3. Did I "get" stream entry, or do I have to delete my post and hide forever?