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RE: Alex E's Practice Log

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Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-2 下午2:53
This is my second post in this category, my other one being about a May retreat. Since then I've been practicing vipassana mostly, fluxing between stronger and weaker periods of motivation. A couple weeks ago I went through my strongest period of practice off retreat, meditating with a high quality and often, getting into mid to high EQ and with a curiosity of the mind while having fun like this is a video game. During daily life I maintaned momentum with a gentle paying attention every time I remembered dharma. But then I began to burn out. This period was unpleasant with stronger insight bug feelings but less desire to do anything about it and feelings of anger toward that with some debauchery and pleasure seeking to drown myself in with no pull towards dharma. Definitely more Re-Ob during this period.

Yesterday I decided I need to meditate but couldn't figure out how to do it with vipassana so I did concentration with the intention of fueling my vipassana to get SE at some point. I've taken Kenneth Folk's model of (paraphrasing) "you need to work on concentration after the A&P" because I  already "reach all the strata of mind (up to EQ) but need to penetrate more deeply into said strata". Reflecting on my very little practice sessions of concentration since this last retreat I think I'm starting to finally identify being in soft jhana, either 1 or 2 and maybe slipping into 4th vipassana jhana accidentally. I particularly remember this one sit (lying down) where I decided to work on relaxation and not try so hard. I simply said phrases like "peace" and "relax" very gently and appied effor very gently. The typical physical feelings came up of pleasant tingling I get but then a small welling up of joy arose. That was the first time I've gotten the joy, so it improved my confidence that I can actually do jhana.

So remembering this experience along with Kenneth Folk's Model, in the wake of not making progress in vipassana, I read up on jhana in Ian And's thread and decided I'm going to cultivate concentration, relaxation and jhana if it happens. The techniques I'm using are: to concentrate on the the breath VERY gently to practice concentration with an emphasis on relaxation, and using an LED light closed eye kasina and a black circle open eye kasina to practice concentration with relaxation with an emphasis on really staying with that object. Now that I actually have the ability to physically relax, I can calm my nerves and give my body some love in the form of relaxation after years of post A&P anxiety. Then I concentrate better, which in turn can be used to relax more. This is my game plan post burnout and debauchery period. Hopefully this log will help me grow as a meditator somehow.

Here's my tashion' sesh bro (haha)

9/2/14

Pre-meditative context: 12 ounces yerba mate (containing caffeine and theobromine). Ate breakfast, recently awoken.
Technique: LED Kasina and breath as objects
Posture: lying on back, comfy
Aides: ear plugs, mindfold, 1 white LED
Duration: ??? 20-30mins maybe

Sitting events: I focused on the after-image for a while until I was sure it was gone, then I relaxed with breath as object. Eyes open, I focus on the black dot until it fades before shining my eyes again. I'm engaged with the visual object like a video game, it's fun. I relax with the breath like I'm letting the body heal. I repeat this process once more. After doing this twice I stay with the breath for a time, eyes open and allow the body to relax till the end of my sit.

It was difficult to stay with the kasina without awareness slipping into the periphery. I keep going back to it. I allowed thoughts to do their thing when using the breath as object. After I was relaxed enough I just completely stilled the mind as often as reasonably possible without getting tight, then relaxed a little more going as deep as I could. At one point a smaller ammount of joy welled up than that of my previously mentioned sit, but enough to know it's there and enough to have my confidence grow. I'm wondering if I should have focused on the whole visual field, the blackness plus the white kasina, as it felt unnatural to focus on just the kasina this sit but I maintined focus anyway. I wonder if I was in the 3rd vipassana jhana at this point. hmmm, more experimentation to be done... (puffs pipe)

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-3 下午3:13 回复Alex E。
9/3/14

Pre-meditative context: Have not eaten yet. A little depressed.
Technique: Breath as object. Choiceless awareness.
Posture: Lying down. Earplugs, blindfolded
Duration: about 40 minutes

I focused on the breath gently letting my body relax and all tension dissolve. I let my mind wander a bit while maintaining a percentage of focus. Then I increased that percentage and calmed the mind several times. I co-opted the innermonolaug to talk about what I was mindful of "oh ok just got really lost in a fantasy there, here is the breath again"... that sort of thing. I gently teased the welling of joy to come up. It did but just a smidgin and quickly passed.

After 20 minutes I gently switched to choicless awareness. There was a play between my identity as a meditator, my identity as attention and the field just being itself, no-self being evident. I tried not to force anything here. I allowed the suffering characteristic to show itself to me, while I was aware of any tensions present. I never thought of impermanance. It was kind of dream like at some points. I got up at 40 minutes, 20 short of my intended sit. I'm defnitely less depressed now and a little more happy.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午12:21 回复Alex E。
9/3/14 in retrospect

Pre-meditative context: Tired before bed, some milk and tea is drunk. Relaxed and happy.
Technique: Sound as object, Choiceless awareness
Posture: Lying down with binural beats
Duration: T>30min

I tried binural beats for the first time. I chose gamma waves quickly from an app I downloaded. It started quiet then rose in volume and went quiet again then silent. I like how it resembles the breath like this, it's easier to get into. I did this while relaxing for a time and noticed it was way easier to concentrate. My concentration juice began to wane because I was tired but I was definitely in a "trippy" state and very satisfied with these sounds. Then I switched to choiceless awareness vipassana. I remember being excited, while also disembedding, at the fact that a lot of tension was gone. I got up, turned my fan on and continued to do this as I got duller and duller into sleep. Being equanamous with the dullness.

I'm going to be playing with binural beats a lot more from now on. emoticon

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午12:26 回复Alex E。
Hello, Alex, I enjoy reading your posts.   Sounds like fun with the binaural beats and would like to see further how that works for you if you decide to continue with it.    I've always been interested in it myself and re-read Dr. Monroe's books recently.

best wishes for your practice,
colleen

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午2:18 回复Colleen Karalee Peltomaa。
Thanks Colleen. I'm definitely planning on continuing usage of binural beats. I hope it can accelerate my practice. I'm kind of surprised how much it affects meditation sessions, even after the first use.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午2:39 回复Alex E。
9/4/14

Pre-meditative context: Recently woken up, no food yet. Decent mood. Desire to meditate without aversion. Looking forward to it.
Technique: Sound as object. Choiceless awareness.
Posture: Lying down with binural beats
Duration: 1 hour

Same old concentration senario plays out, maybe a bit less focused than last night. Now I'm beggining to see how you get absorbed in an         object. When I'm really with the sound it's quite fascinating. After 35 minutes I switch to vipassana. The binural beats altered the session for the better again! By the end of the concentration session        there was more visual strobing than usual and more perception of the three C's. I was noticing suffering more. I think that may be key in getting SE for me. It seems to be what this whole thing is about. Suffering is driving me to meditatve in the first place and it has been a hinderance       because I've been ignoring it, fixating on no-self mostly because it's interesting, while impermanance has been the most evident characteristic usually, but it seems now the other two are far more perceptible. As in I can see that I'm progressing.

 I take back what I said in my initial post. I don't think I've gotten to high EQ, from the information I've read. I think I'm getting to late mastery. I      could be totally wrong since I'm not there yet but I think of High EQ as Kenneth Folk's third gear, or at least being one aspect of high EQ. Maybe I can rest there for a couple of seconds independent of the insight stage, but I cannot yet get to the insight stage itself which correleates to third gear.

At my cutting edge It seems to be a delicate play between doing and non-doing, self and not self, it's difficult to describe in detail. I can read and understand technical things people describe but I have a hard time commiting it to memory and articulating it myself. I'm not that intellectual, but I can understand what's happening in real time without noting. I hope to grow in this area.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午2:55 回复Alex E。
3rd gear: If you can just let it be, understanding in your heart and
in your bones that the happiness and peace you seek are your own true
nature, then let it be. This is known as recognizing buddha nature or

2nd gear: Ask “Who am I?” until awareness turns back on itself. Who
knows about this experience? If the answer is “I”, then ask “Who am I?”
This is called self-enquiry.
Here are desciptions of Kenneth's gears on his blog which I referenced above. I do second gear using different questions or none at all. Like "where am "I" located in attention?" or when I was resting in the space of the head, noticing that this is not I. But who is noticing the resting in the space of the head is not I? WTF? The universe is trolling itself. The endless loop of questioning is answerd only when I recognize the question is the answer itself, the sensations that make it up. Then "I" am jumping between this mode and what feels like not meditating at all, 3rd gear. But I'm pretty sure I only rest there briefly. I'm playing with what I felt on retreat again, beacuse of the dukkha characteristic, I'm noticing what I noticed on retreat more. Investigating my "need" for stream entry. Sometimes I want it so bad and it hurts. So I investigagte that. The very reason I'm sitting there. Then I will meditate "just because" or just out of habbit, but then I'm back craving for nirvanna. Maybe I'm learning something from this waffling back and forth. On retreat I knew that you can get stream entry by craving it and trying really hard. The subtle dukkha of being in equanimity in daily life but not yet quite being over the hump. Maybe this is the process of that insight maturing. hmmm (puffs pipe, strokes beard)

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午5:17 回复Alex E。
Pre-Meditative context: Ate a few hours ago. Been mindful after last session.
Technique: Sound as object
Posture: Sittting and Standing
Duration: 50 minutes

I focused on the most pleasant sounding insect drone for about 10-15 minutes and ignored the pain from sitting in an uncomfortable chair.

After the mind was settled I opened my eyes and pretty much just sat there without a technique. It started raining and I was uncomfortable when it picked up, I wanted to go inside but I stayed with the desire and grew in the quality of equanimity. I stood up and the more energetic position increased mindfulness. I was interrupted twice durring this sitting by my dad, but I was able to stay concentrated. It seemed more neutral and less happened. I noticed the dukkha of physical pain and then boredom. Then I noticed the no-self of the field of my body, vision, space and proprioception of myself in the environment. Overall the meditation session has a sort of neutral okness about it.

My motivation is increasing but I think I need to be careful to maintain a bigger perspective, because I might crash from anger and impatience at not landing SE. I hope that each meditation session works out brain cells a little bit each time. This meditation log is making me enjoy this whole thing more. Hopefullt I can catch myself crash, if I do, and meditate through it. I mean I usually do but only 20 minutes here and there. I want to experiment with more time on the cushion if I crash, even though I know I will hate it in that senario.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-4 下午9:34 回复Alex E。
9/4/14

Pre-Meditative Context: Food and coffee 20minutes before
Technique: sound as object, choiceless awareness
Posture:Sitting on cushion with binural beats
Duration: 1hour

I did my favorite ratio 1:2 parts shamatha:vipassana. I tried alpha waves to balance the coffee. I was surprised I wasn't more focused after the coffee. It seemed like I was dull. I was wondering if I was in my new cutting edge. My previous bout of meditation fever entailed really digging into the subtleties of self. I think what brought me down was not being equanimous toward boring experiences. I think boredom has become a hinderance because I'm never bored in daily life anymore. But on the cushion I've been totally ignoring it. When I realized this I was joyful, because even the sensations of boredom can be investigated. I felt like I was a pancake, flat and boring. Not really much to look at. Dukkha was subtle but noticable with gentle attention. No-self wasn't that noticable unless I used more agressive attention, but it did show itself to me a little. I remember one showing was humorous when the thought "look at all this suffering, it's just there of its own accord" arose. Somehow that was funny. I tried to objectify the humour as well. Joy, inner laughing and face muscle pressure which was pleasant.

That was a boring ass sit. But somehow the boredom was interesting and motivational. At times forgetfulness arose and with it doubt, thinking like "what am I doing? I don't even know what I'm doing". But looking at Daniel's sub-ñana map it seems there are both markers of high-EQ. I suppose I could meditate for hours but I don't want to. I'm definitely not planning on stopping day to day though. I want to keep at it through the boring phase to get SE. I actually resolved to pay attention till I get SE today. I said it and vipassanaized it but kinda thought "yeah ur full of shit" then I attended to that. I went grocery shopping, which I hate, and whatched myself shop and hate! Went home made food and coffee and payed attention, at least somewhat all the way till my this session so it at least did that. Since I'm breaching into this territory, I'm thinking of a day-home retreat, if I get the house to myself one weekend.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-5 下午3:32 回复Alex E。
In the context of this second burst of meditation, and getting into no-self the dharma is doing you territory, I wonder what is going on. If I'm not doing this, then how, what and why?

9/5/14

Pre-meditative context: Empty stomach, coffee, magnesium, herbal supplement and kombucha.
Tecnique: sound as object, choiceless awareness with some noting
Posture: lying down binural beats
Duration:80minutes

Nothing interesting to note for the 20 minutes of concentration on the binural beats. It seems like I just focus on it and improve my concentration without as much relaxation and pleasant tingling than just lying down with my body/breath as object.

Energy was really high with edgyness and anxiety. Since it was so chaotic, both body and mind, I noted it out for maybe 5 minutes. When things settled down a bit I just switched to noticing the 3C's/ choiceless awareness. Anxiety was still high but it was ok now and less unpleasant. This, I think was early or high mastery. When things opened up more I gently noted. So gently in fact that I didn't know you could even note that gently previously. It was vicarious noting, I could see how a slightly more energetic note/noticing could cause unnecessary tension. At a point I tried dropping this, tyring to be forgetful and let experience just be itself. Things settled down even further. It wasn't as boring as yesterday because of the energy, nor as dreamy. From this point until the rest of the sit, I mostly just let things be without intervening, with one exception. I payed special attention to any thing time oriented. I have a sticky note that reminds me "notice how all past/future thoughts always happen now". Theses kind of thoughts, for me, are as sticky as the note that reminds me to notice them. Especially ones about doubt and desire for attaining stream entry. Thoughts that are maybe opposite poles. Besides thought I pay attention to impatience in the body, which is obviously linked to time. I think I had a good glimpse of a formation when I was eating food after the session. It was like there was this volumetric tank of sensations all woven into a seamless fabric, all happening of its own accord. I was watching myself lift a spoon to my mouth and it just seemed so smooth with the mental and physical blending into each other.

It seems my resolve from yesterday actually helped and I'm amazed quite frankly. I keep repeating the resolve and I feel less like its bullshit, although doubt is still present to some degree.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-5 下午3:52 回复Alex E。
Alex E:

9/5/14
Pre-meditative context: Empty stomach, coffee, magnesium, herbal supplement and kombucha.
Tecnique: sound as object, choiceless awareness with some noting
Posture: lying down binural beats
Duration:80minutes

Nice break down...I love it, keep at it.
Add some Suntheanine Chewable Tablets to your coffee mag stack. One tablet will add a layer of calmness to counteract the coffee but not make you drowsy. Are you doing 4 - 3.8 hz with the binaural beats? Try that range. Do not particularly pay attention to the sounds especially, let it take a background unless it naturally comes to the forefront. If you are in High EQ you are doing all the right things. Have you read up Kenneth Folk's take on EQ?  11 Knowledge of Equanimity (Stage 11)
Good Luck,
~D

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-5 下午11:47 回复Dream Walker。
Thanks DW.

I'm a big fan of L-Theanine, I always add it to my coffee.

I'll try that range, I've been doing whatever range gamma is. I've just been listening to it for the concentration portion of my sits and turning it off for the vipassana but I'll give it a shot.

Yes I have read that but it's always worth another read. Actually, I just did a sit with binary noting after reading it again.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-5 下午11:58 回复Alex E。
9/4/14

Pre-meditative context: Tired after work but relaxed.
Technique: binary noting thinking/quiet
Posture: reclined on couch upright eyes open
Duration:23min

I noted thinking when I was thinking. I notice that sometimes my thoughts are subtle. And it's like the entire sentence, every word, is stacked up on top of each other as the first word of the thought is mentally vocalized. For example, the thought "I want to go to bed". The word "I" is heard inside my head but if I'm paying attention to thinking I just stop at vocalizing the word "I" because I already understand the rest of the thought. This seems weird and frustrating to me that I've never read about this kind of thing before. Do I even need to understand the subtleties of thoughts yet, I mean to land stream entry? It seems like a distraction right now. As long as all thoughts are objectified and disembeded with equanimity I don't think so. For a latter path maybe.

I also noted quiet when this thing was silent, which I could do almost on command by noting silent. There was tension in the silence, fear of a thought coming, fear of the fragility of the silence. I was really relaxed and getting into concentration territory during the silent bits. I really liked the binary noting tool because I do think I can benefit from noticing thoughts more, building my skill in that area.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-8 上午12:21 回复Alex E。
I think this thing is working. I realized that I can work my way through re-ob no problem. My technical meditation mind is stronger than my mind which buys into crap (current trend which is subject to change). I was even having the worst day content wise but I still made it through. But the dark night yogi crap is still there the rest of the day and suffering is still present in my cutting edge insight territory. It's that darn stream entry bug.

The binary noting of thinking/silence helped so much. It was like a stepping stone because I now note specific thoughts much easier after only practicing a couple of days. Usually I feel aversion to the thought of having to note and aversion to noting itself. That has been greatly reduced. From this I also noticed the tension in my throat when I note, a new and interesting sensation, which was possibly a hinderance (I need a lawyer for all these hinderance divorces).

I think I just have to notice all thoughts and the mental stuff located around the seat of the soul in the middle of my head. I notice attention, effort, direction, movement, space, choice, searching, investigation, noting, center, periphery, anticipation, expextation... what else is missing? questioning.

This is all in a kind of fish bowl of sensations related to the visual field being formed with the body and other sense doors. Present moment snapshots.

When I'm really going it like this it's the best time to contemplate "be here now" and give up seeking. I noticed the here of each moment, as well as the now of each moment, playing with them. I couldn't seem to notice a difference between time and space from this experiential point of view. This is my secret weapon for dealing with my stream entry desire. I can't just give up that desire on the spot, it arises and passes of its own accord but it always seems to arise when I think I'm standing on the bank of the stream, which is usually when I'm noting the detailed subtleties around the center point. If I'm just aware of the moment for the moments sake I become forgetful but still aware. So I see some combination of this "standing on the stream bank" noting around the seat of the soul and "fish bowlin" it, to balance and strengthen this process of stream entry happening.

By seat of the soul I just mean center point. Less technical more poetic. I love the phrase. I gotta have fun with this thing. emoticon

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-15 上午1:33 回复Alex E。
I've kept up practice this past week. It seems like it's getting easier to keep up the motivation to do at least one hour. I don't even think about it really. On the low days I wake up with fear or depression and wonder what is going on with reality, almost like routine, feeling neutral toward it or am tired of it because of repitition. A mini existential crisis that's not even scary any more, just a hollow shell. Then like clockwork I meditate into a more pleasant baseline state for the day. A trend is swinging from bursts of practice fueled by a desire to get there. Then days where I just meditate out of habbit, neutral toward the task.

All I did today was stuff to feel good. Like taking a break from the subtle suffering of insight bug by ignoring it. I just let myself play video games all day or do whatever I want. It seems like some puritanical part of my subconscious is being lifted through some mysterious process because I never intended this. I listened to the Buddhist Geeks talk about video games and the positive aspects. Not even thinking about meditation all day (besides my morning sit) the thought arose after noticing how I handled fear today "oh I guess I'm shifting my baseline to EQ in daily life [in a meaningful way]". The meaningful way being that I feel way more powerful over my mind and not letting fear get the best of me.

So instead of soley striving for stream entry, it seems that that's not the only way you get there. I mean obviously that makes sense intellectually but until now I never felt that through experience.

Right now I noticed the insight bug when I look. But then I notice how I can ignore it and how that helps me relax. As long as I keep a daily sit I think this is what I need to do. Ignore, pracice and relax. (and practice relaxing)

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-15 上午8:36 回复Alex E。
Hello, Alex,

I'm enjoying reading your gentle progress.   I had one question:   when you say "ignore" I assume you do not mean "suppress"?    Do you mean that you simply acknowledge it, allow it, experience it?    If I do what I learned in The Sedona Method, it washes over me and then is gone -- most of the time at least  :-)   In Sedona Method I learned to allow myself to experience it (even rev it up purposely) and then it fades away.   Most of my life I majored in suppression so that was a turning point for me.   

Aside from that, I'm relating to what you are saying and am getting encouragement from you.   

Keep up the good work (me too)   :-))

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
答复
14-9-22 下午6:02 回复Colleen Karalee Peltomaa。
Hi Colleen. No, by ignore I do mean supress. For me, I had the opposite problem. A derepression of painful psychological material occured with my A&P experience and since then I've watched deeply rooted paranoia and fear subside. It's a skillful repression but It can become unskillful quite easily so I have to be careful if I'm trying to make progress.

lol Yes let us both keep up the good work. I havn't this past week though.

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-9-22 下午7:16 回复Alex E。
Hello, Alex, thank you for answering my question.   

I think I can relate:  in one seriously heavy session I experienced in present time all the panic I experienced in a very hot past incident.

To prove the body-mind connection, during a long water fast, as the toxins were stirring up in my brain, I suffered my first panic attack.   Brought me to my knees.  Made me realize the importance of getting out the toxins though.

Only a few very brave souls are willing to approach the insanity held within the mind.  As with yourself, I too am very very careful not to prematurely open the floodgates and get swept away, although I do like to use the most direct practice I can in vanishing my mind.  And there are certain reliable exercises I do to stay de-stressed throughout the day.

 As we say here in the clearing biz:  "May you never be the same again".

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-10-13 下午3:16 回复Alex E。
I finally figured out how to meditate in this new psycho-spiritual phase I find myself in. I watched Shinzen Young's video about "Six Common Traps on the Path": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i288Lnb7NOk

I was getting stuck in the last trap, the observer trap. He used an analogy, about how it takes six months to be able for your body to intuitively drive a stick shift without you having to think about it. Meditation is the same way. Your mind can intuitively meditate without you doing anything. This is werid because it can't be communicated adequately with words. I never understood 3rd gear that well, only in breif whiffs. But now it's the only way I can meditate. I started with a few 20 minute sessions of concentration meditation and noticed that I was more relaxed than I had been in a while and quickly got the hang of it. Insight meditation was trickier but I just figured it out today.

10/13/14

Pre-meditative context: Half hour after eating light. Coffee/L-Theanine. Pretty depressed mood. Reluctantly getting ready for the day. Decide that I can meditate for an hour or at least try.
Technique: Fluctuating between 2nd and 3rd gear. Zen just slouching.
Posture: On the cushion sitting upright.
Duration: 1hour

It was really quite effortless. I was fluctuating between three different modes pretty much. Getting lost in thought, getting lost in trying to meditate (i.e. second gear), and the bare awareness of just sitting. There isn't much I can really do at this stage I noticed. I just have to let whatever this thing is do its thing and it will work itself out. My breath has historically been unpleasant and heavy when meditating. I noticed during this sit it just naturally was at ease. My mind and body also relaxed for seemingly no reason. This is the most gently type of meditation I've ever seen. I'm quite happy about this new inner-discovery.

I've been battling a new depression on the psychological side of life but now being in equanimity for the first time in weeks, it's actually gone for the moment. I feel more ok than I have in weeks and am pretty happy about this. I'm going to do an hour a day of this. Maybe I can do an at home retreat in November when my Dad leaves for a week. That's my goal-oriented plan for now. I'm kind of sick of striving with dilligence however. This be-here-now style feels so restful. It is much needed. Just sending out a little gratitude towards Shinzen Young for getting me unstuck. emoticon

RE: Alex E's Practice Log
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14-10-13 下午4:17 回复Alex E。
Cool link, Alex.   I like this dude.  I made your link "clickable":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i288Lnb7NOk