Hi the group. I just came back from a 10-dayer and would be very grateful if someone could do a quick fact-check for me to see if I'm drawing the right conclusions. Although it may appear as though I'm sure I hit Equanimity, I'm not in fact certain and if you are not either, then say so! It won't do me any favours being deluded

As already stated, this was a Goenka retreat. I had planned to use noting and Shinzen Young techniques throughout the course, and just make use of the facilities really. Soon realised that this would entail lying to the teacher and this wouldn't sit right with me, thus breaking my concentration. Therefore the most productive approach was to follow all the rules (within reason, I have a mischievous aka rebellious nature that I am trying to use skillfully).
So, no journals, no other techniques (except walking because being ADHD I would never maintain concentration for long otherwise). Only a few Tai Chi exercises (not actual form) in the mornings. I had read Prisoner Greco's Reformed Slacker's Guide in the days prior, so was fairly disciplined even during the Dark Night stages. I ate meals and took showers mindfully without staring off into space (my usual pastime) and basically tried to maintain mindfulness from wakeup to lights out. During the middle of the retreat (when A&P/Dark Night were prominent) I would wake up often in the night and be aware of mindfulness of bodily sensation. Consciousness drifted in and out but the practice remained.
Here are the blow-by-blow details. The material up to Day 6 was written in my first and only slackening of discipline due to a pinched sciatic nerve and/or Dark Night despair that overwhelmed my concentration for a period of about an hour on that day. The material after Day 6 was written retrospectively when I came off retreat. Enough intro!
First two days settling in.
Day 3 balancing (I threw my ADHD medication away that morning as I found the highs and lows too unsettling). First taste of A&P.
Day 4, touching A&P again in the afternoon. Some wavering back and forth drift between it and late 3 Chars. Very intense discomfort/spasming in rhomboid and lower intercostal muscle groups during this wavering.
Day 5 hit A&P strongly before breakfast. Whole-body breakup into buzzing, tingling vibes with a lot of flush and heat. Spent the rest of that day struggling through Dark Night wretchedness, mostly mental dissonance after the incredible abilities of A&P. Continued working strongly nonetheless, with some very agitated unpleasant moments. I have written a detailed post about my Dark Night experiences in that category, with some pointers that I found helpful. Will update this post with the URL when it is up. Update: my brief contribution to the tomes of Dark Night wisdom can be found
hereDay 6 lost partial feeling in left leg, transition out of Burmese style posture to a kneeler. While this was physically beneficial, it unsettled me just enough to begin a backwards slide driven by aversion to meditation but manifesting as a perception of being faced by insurmountable difficulties. If I'd had a car I probably would have checked out of retreat.
Day 7 continued meditating but couldn't seem to halt much less reverse the slide. Had a feeling (correct or not) that backsliding must be completed before I could gather strength for another push. Half intending not to bother with the other push. No walking meditation all day, perhaps a crucial factor that contributed to my lack of traction.
Day 8 things get interesting. Backslide completed upon waking. Resolved to make the most of the next few days rather than coasting through to the end. Returned to walking meditation with enthusiasm. Touching A&P almost straight away. 3 hour sit after breakfast with a formal resolution to "observe as many sensations as possible with as much equanimity as I can until the bell" got me well into the Dark Night (again, see separate post). Walked from 12-1pm, then a four hour sit with the same formal resolution from 1-5pm. Moment-by-moment attention to the anatta of everything, and my not being in control of such things as effort, clarity, focus, pain. I noticed the Three Characteristics of cognizance of anicca and anatta, and cognizance in general. Absolute suffering finally relinquished in the 3rd hour to a spread of gentle comfort and the flowering of effortless scope. Attention still very wide like Dark Night, but whereas only minutes previously that had created a sense of unending discord, it now became encompassing and embracing. Slight aspects of martyrdom, like a beneficent Christ at crucifixion smiling at his followers. Adrenaline rushes I had been observing were simply gone. Even now, 5 days later, they are much lessened. Rest of Day 8 spent investigating the feeling. Aware that I was developing attachment to it, but unsure how to prevent that. A feeling that I was on the threshold of new and vast territory that I have yet to explore and must map thoroughly. Trackless peaceful warmth of mind echoed in body sensations: multiple, fairly stable large warm patches covering e.g. half the trunk and an upper leg, a shoulder and neck. Vibrations definitely present but not particularly interesting. In fact, the feeling of comfort and warmth, while wonderful, began to feel impenetrable. Perhaps stabilising into samatha jhana.
Day 9 I reproduced the experience but not so large. The Dark Night was much easier this time, a transition with little fuss although it remained entirely unpleasant and lasted a couple hours. Geese cried outside as sudden rain struck and the fever broke. Tears of appreciation and the geese fell silent. Then the bell rang for lunch. All just as themselves, no point of reference for awareness to be rooted within. I picked up where I left off afterwards, no trouble, and spent all afternoon trying to pierce the calm and peace, somehow map it's expression of the three characteristics. At one point I even tried opening my eyes, ceasing mindfulness having realised that perhaps what I was looking for was to be found outside of the peace. But only superficial insights.
Day 10 basically the end of the retreat as Goenka begins teaching the metta practice (a very sparse and unsatisfactory treatment IMO).
Conclusions:
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+ ADHD medication definitely pushes me deep quickly, but the resultant instability of mood and focus is not worth it.
+ If my interpretations are correct, I had a textbook progression up the Stages of Insight to Equanimity (possibly solidifying this into 4th samatha jhana). This textbook progression would be a first for me, as on my previous two retreats I surmise to have popped in and out of all four vipassana jhanas without discernible rhyme or reason. Perhaps it was the decision to scrap the dexamphetamine, which I'd not had the guts to do at other times, or perhaps a natural result of my practice having matured over the past 18 months since I started daily sitting.
+ Goenka retreats have good tech. I had to modify slightly but happy with the results. The chanting I had no problem with.
+ The routine on a Goenka retreat can be frustrating! Most sits are bookended by his instructions, which he repeats ad nauseum. This gets old, interrupts the flow and limits the amount of time one can spend actually meditating, especially as there are compulsory group sits at prime times like after breakfast, mid-afternoon and mid-evening.
+ Goenka retreats do not teach walking meditation --- WTF. Seriously.
+ The sciatic nerve thing was real -- I had only partial feeling in my left leg and foot for the afternoon, evening of Day 6 and next morning of Day 7. It forced me onto a kneeler for the remainder of the retreat and I still get tingles down my leg and across the sole of my foot two weeks later whenever I sit cross-legged.