ManZ A:
1) I read someone say (on DhO) that the actualism process may be something along the lines of '(1) destroy self (2) destroy Self. (3) done'. Now enlightenment is also commonly described as the dissolution of the self (ego). So is there a point in the actualism process where you could consider yourself to be enlightened? Meaning the "self" has been destroyed, but the "Self" has yet to be. Or are both annihilated at once?
progress through the actualism process does shift the identity away from the thinker and toward the feeler more and more - it is essential to understand how 'i am my feelings, and my feelings are me'.
finally, though, the end of the thinker and feeler happen concurrently. even what the enlightened identify as the thinker/the ego is not actually eradicated by the process of enlightenment (it just moves closer to its true home).
ManZ A:
2) For those who are actually free, are there any notable effects on personality due to your acquiring an AF or are you for the most part the same?
well, actual freedom or not, i think personalities change over time all the time.. for instance, i am under no illusion that any of my friends and family are the exact same people i knew them as in the past. that said, i am now never callous, nor irritable, nor impatient, nor anxious and worrisome, which, by any reasonable measure, is a big change from how i was before. else, my personality is more or less the same as it was (immediately prior to actual freedom).
ManZ A:
3) What were your impressions after getting your first PCE by practicing the HAIETMOBA?
after my first pce, i understood that, to put it simply, 'this is for real'. furthermore, i understood how felicitous feelings - as in genuinely feeling very well - were the feeling-states most similar to the pce, and so were the most conducive to the purpose of bringing pces on.
ManZ A:
4) Will I literally be going through all my "beliefs, ideas, values, theories, truths, customs, traditions, ideals, superstitions and all the other schemes and dreams" and examine them in order to get an AF or do I simply have to go through enough until a PCE occurs and keep repeating the PCE?
i would recommend, as the main practice, the latter (just keep aiming at the pce). however, if you are sincere, then along the way you will almost certainly find that your various beliefs, ideas, values, theories, truths, customs, traditions, ideals, and superstitions (and all your other schemes and dreams) are worth having a close and honest look at.
when this happens, and you do have a close and honest look, you will be better able to discover your own heart's various desires, as well as to discern if they are really serving the purpose(s) you would like them to serve. and if you discern that they are not, then you will be in a better position to bring them (and thereby, yourself) into alignment with what you sincerely desire.
further, if what you sincerely desire here is the end of suffering's cause, you will find it.
*
ManZ A:
Questions/comments regarding practice and my experiences:
1) As I put HAIETMOBA into effect, there are a few things that I notice. Most of the time, my awareness immediately gets drawn towards the senses (mainly the visual field) or seems to be heading in that direction for just a moment or two. There's not enough time to examine that state as it's really short (Trying to examine it also seems to cause dissipation). After that brief moment, there's a feeling in my chest and/or crown area which draws and "pulls" awareness back "inward". Upon closer examination, the feeling could be called an unsatisfactoriness, or at other times a fear or craving for pleasure. I actually don't get what to do after that. How does one just "Get back to feeling good as soon as possible"?
in general, by remembering the last time you felt good/felt fine, and in that remembrance, getting a clear sense of what it is to feel good/feel fine (which is a visceral experience), and inclining your mind toward it. it may help to here consider what feeling good is worth is worth (it's worth a lot), and to compare it to the unsatisfactoriness you were just experiencing (it compares favourably satisfied).
more specific a solution to the situation you mention (in which you are briefly aware of sense experience and then feel 'pulled' 'inward' to feelings at your chest or head) might be to just re-attend to the sense experience again and ignore that pull inward (just pretend that it's not there). in my experience, this was more helpful to do when i felt fine already than when i was feeling bad or troubled in some way.
ManZ A:
So I just tried finding the source of the emotion and many a times I don't find it, it seems to just be there. Instead I tried asking afterwards "Who is feeling fear?" and there will be a realization that I can't find this 'I'.
hmm.. here, try asking instead, 'what is this fear i am feeling?'
ManZ A:
Then awareness will again be drawn towards the senses for some brief moments and the process keeps repeating. The other times I do find the source of the fear, I'm unable to simply "Get back to feeling good as soon as possible". Am I doing this right? Or am I simply floundering about in my "stuff"?
i don't know. when you are 'unable to simply "Get back to feeling good as soon as possible"', what is it that is happening to prevent it? that is, what are you doing instead?
ManZ A:
2) Do I continue asking myself "How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?" (wordless or otherwise) even while I'm feeling good or only when I feel bad? Do I trace the origin of the happiness or pleasure?
this part's up to you.. if it makes sense to keep asking when you are feeling good, go for it. if you do, the important thing at that point is for you to genuinely be into it, rather than just repeat it (whether verbally or wordlessly) listlessly or conflictedly.
it's the nature of your intent that matters most.. and if you're feeling good (as in feeling felicitous), then your intent should be united with these feelings.
ManZ A:
When I am "feeling good", do I simply continue doing so until a PCE occurs?
yes. gently, sensitively, carefully.. alertly, intently, attentively. this really matters.. nothing (else) matters.
ManZ A:
3) Yesterday while I was going to sleep, I asked HAIETMOBA (wordlessly) and noticed that there was a sort of "heavy" feeling (having the texture of unclarity) in my head and a slight feeling in my chest. My awareness was still "inside" and found again that it was the same unsatisfactoriness which seems to always be present. It seems to me that feelings are constant in some way. Then for a few moments the "heavy" feeling disappeared and there was just the back of my eyelids with the black and the purple and the red. It was as if the "inner" world was turned off. But it only lasted for a little while as it felt like 'I' was trying to grasp for air by trying to find a feeling which disappeared with the feeling in my head. Was that kind of like a PCE or was it just some randomness?
maybe. does it inspire you to live free from being compelled by some force or pushed around in some way by something which now seems unnecessary?
ManZ A:
The problem I'm having is figuring out what exactly a PCE is. It seems like I'm always having it, but at the same time I'm not because there are feelings such as sadness, anger, etc. Or maybe I am having a PCE when I try to have one but something pulls awareness back down.
the immediacy which you experience at any given moment before feelings kick in is a pce[1]... hence, the question 'how am i experiencing this moment of being alive?' is, in a way, the most direct route to one.
ManZ A:
Hope to hear some comments and clarifications.
sorry for my delayed response.
tarin
[1]
Richard:
When one first becomes aware of something, there is a fleeting instant of the clean perception of sensum just before one recognises the percept (the mental product or result of perception) and also before one identifies with all the feeling memories associated with its qualia (the qualities pertaining to the properties of the form) and this ‘raw sense-datum’ stage of sensational perception is a direct experience of the actual. Clear perception is in that instant where one converges one’s eyes or ears or nose or tongue or skin on the thing. It is that moment just before one focuses one’s feeling-memory on the object. It is the split-second just as one affectively subjectifies it ... which is just prior to clamping down on it viscerally and segregating it from the rest of pure, conscious existence. Pure perception takes place sensitively just before one starts feeling the percept – and thus thinking about it affectively – which takes place just before one’s feeling-fed mind says: ‘It’s a man’ or: ‘It’s a woman’ or: ‘It’s a steak-burger’ or: ‘It’s a tofu-burger’ ... with all that is implied in this identification and the ramifications that stem from that. This fluid, soft-focused moment of bare awareness, which is not learned, has never been learned, and never will be learned, could be called an aesthetically sensual regardfulness or a consummate sensorial discernibleness or an exquisitely sensuous heedfulness ... in a word: apperceptiveness.
http://www.actualfreedom.com.au/richard/articles/attentivenesssensuousnessapperceptiveness.htm