two questions:
1- what is the significance of getting 'That' to 'you'? (that is, what is the relationship that 'you' and 'IT' have?)
'It' takes all my pain away. 'It' makes up for a lifetime of suffering. Yet, at the same time, my need for 'It' has caused a lot of pain and suffering itself. 'It' demands so much of me. 'It' has me enslaved. I'm addicted to 'It' and it hurts to live without 'It.' 'It' is what fulfills me most and has been a total obsession since I was about 3 or 4 years old making-out with Joice behind the big oak tree in the preschool playground. I've been hooked to 'It' since. I don't want to need 'It' anymore. That is the significance and relationship that I have with 'It.'
And upon investigation of 'It' and myself throughout the years, I have found that I am looking to obtain 'It' not just with females but in several other aspects of life such as with friends, family, strangers, myself ... every human basically (the utter fulfillment aspect of 'It', the expansive love and unity, mutual worship/adulation, bliss, and glory part. I have no desire to seek any erotic bliss/fulfillment from anything or anyone other than beautiful females). The aspect I seek with the females is probably the strongest, most potent form of 'It.' And so I'm preoccupied with that aspect the most.
2- have you ever had a pce?
I wish I could say yes or no. I had an experience 7 years ago (out of the blue, no narcotics or nothing) wherein my whole experience/state of awareness all of a sudden drastically changed from the same-old, same-old suffering-laden/grey-tinted reality to an utterly crisp, clear, vivid, lucid, bright-eyed experiencing of the physical world. I was able to see with startling clarity (at least it seemed startling clear at the time), every aspect of who 'I' was and all the games 'I' had been playing. The world became terrificly inviting. All my worries and pains and inhibitions had dissapeared and I felt immensly sharp-headed and light (as in no extra baggage). I then felt like every woman I passed wanted to have sexual intercourse with me right then and there. I then felt invincible. I felt infinitely grateful. I felt like a God. I felt like Superman. I swore I was enlightened. I felt like everybody in the world was at that moment realizing I was God/Superman. And then slowly and little bit by little bit, I started returning to being a normal human being ... trying and trying futiley to recapture the experience. I dishearteningly returned to the same normal, F'd up boy with all the problems in the world resting heavily on his shoulders.
I don't know if the initial portion of that experience was a PCE or not. I kind of somewhat recall that there might have been the feeling that I was Superman the whole time. I kind of somewhat recall having an ever so slight sense of inhibition during that experience. It's hard to remember.
After coming upon Richard's writing a year or so later, I vowed to be on constant lookout for an unequivocal PCE. It's been 6 years (since coming upon Richard) and so far nada.
What I do know or feel in my heart of hearts is that there has to be something more to 'This.' And by 'This,' I mean Everything that is 'Me.' All the bliss, love, eroticism, fulfillment, unity, greatness, glory, etc ... as well as the heartache, fear, anger, frustration, desire, loneliness, etc, etc. I'm so tired of experiencing Me. I'm tired, fed up, and so open to experiencing life without all or any of 'Me' blocking the view. I've done the best I can do. I'm ready for something new. I'm ready for something better. I want to end the rollercoaster. I want to at least see what's "out there" ... outside of Me.
Yet it's almost like I don't want to just give up. I want to stick around to receive the fulfillment/bliss/exctacy that I've longed for all My life ... what I deserve for this lifetime of pain. What I've desired and strived for with blood, sweat, and tears throughout these long hard years. 'I' want my utlimate reward. 'I' don't want to just ... dissapear ... at least not without tasting/basking in perfect bliss and beauty. 'I' seem to refuse to want to go because of a sense of being short-changed. In short, if someone had a gun to my head with the intent to pull the trigger, I would probably break down and sincerely beg for mercy.
Yet, at the same time, I'm just so tired of all My drama ... and just want out.
On the other hand, it also largey seems to be that 'I' just don't know how to do it. How to end 'It' all. And by 'It' I mean Me and every aspect of Me and every potential or realized glorious/beautiful/blissful/fulfilling/ugly/terrifying/incomplete aspect of Me. I know how to end 'Me' with a revolver, a noose, a knife, etc. ... but not in any way that won't kill this body.
I do so hope you can make a semblance of sense of all this. I'm having a hard time myself trying to do so.