| | Back to me though. I'm pretty useless when it comes to Buddhism, I think. My life is complicated, thanks to a mixture of physical and mental disabilities. I use a wheelchair outside, and I'm bipolar. This makes things difficult. I can't work, I'm perpetually broke, and that makes things more difficult.
I know, I know, the Dharma should make things easier for me, and when I'm studying and practicing, it does. But I go through phases or cycles. Very badly. I'll go for months, even years, without doing any practice at all, or even studying. I live Dharma sure, it's very subconscious, which I guess is a good thing, since a lot of what I seem to be finding in my studies, seems to be about getting things from the conscious to the subconscious. This is big in Tibetan Buddhism, since it's in the period after death where we're relying solely on our subconscious to remember all the mantras and right ways of acting and thinking, to bring us back to precious human birth, and I seem to have that down pat - if I'm in so much pain I can't even think (happens a lot unfortunately), I get Menla's (Medicine Buddha) mantra going through my head. It's a good thing, and it does help.
But consciously I'm a nightmare. I don't do the practice. I need to be doing it. But then, I'll suddenly pick up and practice solidly and study solidly for a couple of months and everything will get clear and better, and I'll feel better and I'll even calm my mental issues down a lot, but then something happens to make me stop for a day, and it all falls apart. |