Bruno
Me again, I've had a chance to sit for half an hour and let things settle, I managed to access equanimity for a while and feel much better for it.
Bruno, you said:
Howard, judging by your last two posts, I would wager that you did get stream entry, and are now getting into first path A&P.
This does actually seem to fit from one perspective. Having sat for a while now it is now abundantly clear to me that I have spent all morning and most of the afternoon in Reobservation. I even said "mindstorm" in my last post and did not click. The problem was that it was fierce and relentless (what a dick, what a dick, what a dick) but I did not care too much for some reason and I was busy distracting myself. As soon as I stopped this, just after I posted, I saw the full force of it and realised what was going on. As is usual it crumpled fairly quickly in meditation and now I don't feel like a dick, or rather I'm not telling my self that any more.
I can't remember being in Reobservation for a long long time and its fair to say that I've spent a big chunk of the last month in equanimity. In fact last Saturday I was in and out, but mainly in, equanimity, all day, even though I was at work doing some fairly demanding things. That very night was the point at which the suspected cessation event occurred.
Three days then passed before yesterday's episode. During that time some very odd stuff happened. Not odd in the sense that I had dreams or visions. Much more prosaic but much more profound.
I work with a man who is usually the most difficult and demanding person in any given situation or group of people. I usually find him exhausting to be around and work with. Now, not. Our relationship now appears to be perfect in every way. He loves me, I love him. This fact is the source of one of the suspected "cycles and fruitions" that I mentioned, or rather shouted about, yesterday. More later.
In fact, since Saturday night all my relationships have improved, nothing seems to bother me. I have always had a problem with boundaries. Now, not. I know where the line is now and something in me communicates this to other people. Not spectacular but a game changer for me. Again, more later.
That is until last night. I had been full of love all day, pumping it out like a fire hose. Coming up to the end of my shift I was tired and started to loose the thread. I think I got a bit too excited about cycles and fruitions. Lets assume for a moment that I do actually have first path and can see cycles and fruitions. Its very easy to see them in every damn little thing. If you bear in mind that my understanding of the states and stages is still very sketchy, and the only one I see clearly is equanimity and then add to that the fact that I was in and out of equanimity all day. Then add that my understanding of the process is that as soon as equanimity kicks in I need to be receptive enough to spot and respond to the external trigger. Then respond in an appropriate way that successfully catches and expresses the essence of the whole thing. Oh, and I have to smile when I'm doing it. Then add a complex social situation, plus work stress, plus the fact that half of the people that I work with are actually, officially, crazy. Its amazing that I "clocked off" just feeling a bit frayed at the edges and annoyed because I had missed an awful lot of fruitions. Madness, just madness.
But I still had loads of energy, but as soon as I got home and saw that nobody had commented on my big deal steam entry post, even though it was only 4pm US time on a work day. Madness. So from that point on was stupid, vain, arrogant, immature in as many creative ways as its possible to visit in a 3 hour period. But during that time i made some lovely food that I enjoyed, watched some great TV, and danced to some very loud music. Oh, and I also sat for half and hour. Madness.
My mind was going so crazy that I took a sleeping pill, but I had no faith that it would work because they are very mild and normally don't work for that kind of mindstorm, but I do not remember my head hitting the pillow and I slept like a baby.
I awoke refreshed, deep in Reobservation but also not giving a damn. The rest you know.
So if your are correct Bruno, I should be in Equanimity and looking for one of those pesky triggers. Damn you stream entry!
I have to say I don't feel like I'm Equanimity, but I will sit when I finish this and I fairly confident that I will be able to access it. I don't feel particularly enlightened, either. I feel old and cranky, but oddly this is perfectly okay. There
is a self behind these eyes, and I don't feel like I'm following my body around watching it do fascinating stuff entirely unaided. My thoughts are not very well behaved and my back hurts. Like I said, Madness.
Peace
Howard