I would say I'm back on track.
After a two hour chat with Stefanie, I had the first PCE in quite a while.
Communicating with an actually free person, with no ability to sink "my" emotional hooks in, and having all my words taken sincerely and at face value proved to be both a mental challenge as well as a gateway for me.
The PCE lasted for about 20-30 minutes, with me going in and out of it. I didn't notice any exceptional qualities to the world around me, but "I" was changed. Words flowed freely, nothing seemed to matter and I was safe (as opposed to felt safe). I remember telling Stefanie while it happened that the quality was that of a cellular happiness rather than an emotional happiness. I could notice my body almost vibrating, like a more pleasant version of regaining control of a limb that has fallen asleep. I reflected that I didn't understand why I'd settle for second best when this mode of being was there, readily available, 24/7.
After a while I noticed old doubts setting in and this morning when I woke I was back to semi-normal.
A curious thing happened while I was mulling over the night though; I finally figured out the whole "altruism" business. Previously, I've had a passionate feeling that I have to do this in order to benefit everyone (there was a certain "rah-rah-RAH!" quality to the feeling, some kind of grand, theatrical gesture), but I knew damn well that "I" had my own agenda in this; I wanted to do it to impress an old boyfriend, I wanted to do it to be a good person, I wanted to do it to punish myself for being flawed, and most important of all - I wanted to stay the same while having the seal of approval for being a good Elin and practicing actualism.
Thinking dispassionately about it had a distinctly different quality, in that "I" seemed to finally get (with the PCE in somewhat fresh memory) that "I" am really doing this for the benefit of everyone. The ramifications of ceasing to endlessly require others to prop "me" up and provide "me" were very clear. There's just no alternative to letting everyone else go, and stop spreading the dis-ease.
I can't stress enough how important sincerity is/was for me. Where I come from, innuendo, double meanings, irony and sarcasm are sort of the conversational currency, and functioning without them is almost frightening at times (and will probably make me seem stupid, which is yet another fear).
Anyway, back to dealing with today's dollop of emotions and beliefs. A grand day to you all.
PS. Writing this put me in a mini-PCE right away. Oops, it turned into gratitude for actualism. Dangnabbit!

DS.