carolin varley:
I suspect that I have been in Dark Night for about a year now, and have become an expert on having a lot of fear and panic, but unfortunately not such an expert on dealing with it, or accepting it.
Recently I started reading about AF, which really resonated with me. I've found it such a relief to cultivate these pleasant, felicitous 'moods' and finding the world fascinating rather than dull and static, and liberating rather than imprisoning. Today, as I was going about everyday things like showering,taking the train into London and sitting in a tea shop, everything felt so amazingly FRESH. I still had these flickers of fear in my stomach but it was almost like a background sensation that became insignificant when I allowed myself to become absorbed in the shades of light streaming into the train windows and the swaying of the carriage until I was in a really content, possibly EE, state.
On the train home I felt the twitch of fear again and decided to just let myself explore it rather than "becoming external." It was the first time I felt that I had had a choice. Before I felt myself getting sucked into these negative moods with dread. I would 'become them.' Especially for the first 15 minutes or so I was sitting there, genuinely curios and much more accepting about all the emotional and mental shit that was coming up, mainly about being kicked out of univeristy for going on retreat and missing the first week of university. I think this was partly due to the feeling of having a choice-I could explore the negativity or drop it and cultivate felicity instead. Previosly alot of my Dark Night panic was about not seeing an end to the suffering, not being able to do the 'right' things to get me to stream entry. Is this what AFers mean when they talk about realising that they have a choice to be happy?
My question is should I cultivate felicity when I feel that the Dark Night is getting unbearable? Can it be used in the same way as jhanas, when the going gets tough, as a temporary relief? I have spent a lot of this past year trying to cultivate jhanas, but besides a few brief encounters haven't acheived much, where as EEs and PCEs seem much easier for me to achieve.
My plan at the moment is getting stream entry and then AF.
Any thoughts?
Hi Carolin,
Your timing couldn't be better. My Dark Night ended today, after 10 years.
One thing to remember is that the DN has a function. It makes you stronger, among other things. It sometimes seems like an unbearable, never-ending thing, but it really isn't. Yet, even when you know this, even when other people tell you, in the depths of it, in the darkest times, that does not help either.
Realize that. If you're in the DN, the heaviest part of it is the part where it does seem never-ending, ultimate misery that has no function, that will not end and... quite possibly isn't even a DN, just a mess that you will have to live in for the rest of your life.
I've been through this and I am grateful for it. You will come out stronger, better and happier. I feel like I've been broken down and rebuilt. The DN had that function for me. Crushing me and all that I was until I couldn't go on anymore. Then it continued, and continued, and continued... Until today. It's done. I'm better than ever.
False hope was a part of my DN. Each and every time feeling like it had ended, only for it to come crushing down again.
http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2263140
If you read the last part of the above thread, you will see how I was suicidal last night. And how this morning it was all gone. The DN is gone. And I am grateful for all that it did.
So don't despair, the DN is a good thing. Heavy, awful but *incredibly* good for you. There is no saying how long yours will last. And to be honest, no amount of practice will get you out of it. It's a process that cannot be ended prematurely, cannot be relieved and overrides everything.
Keep in mind though. *This is GOOD". It will change you for the better in a way that you can be grateful for. You'll come out stronger, more confident and happier than you ever thought you could be.
This does not mean that you should stop practicing. Do what feels right.
And remember, in the depths of it all, none of this will help. And that experience is exactly what you need. Once you've experienced true misery in a way that is designed to make you better, you will come out changed for the better.
Feel free to ask me anything about this. I have had the experience for a decade and have seen it all. Gone through it all.
And you know what? Looking back it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Be well Carolin, and if there's anything, post here. We're all here to help.