Thanks Katy and Tom for the replies.
Katy:You sound effortful and well (caveat: there's only one post here so far by you so it's a small gauge), not so stressed nor afflicted with so-called dark night of the soul:
Yes, I'm fine. The 2nd event I mentioned happened a long time ago when I was much younger and didn't have the experience and psychological resources that I do now. After the second event I did go through hell. It was one of the most challenging periods of my life. The situation and suffering was entirely created from my own mind. It lasted for a number of months but gradually faded from prominence.
When I started to get into the samatha jhanas late last year, I felt some uneasiness. I think that was because of the memory of the 2nd event and the feeling I was playing with fire. This was the time I discovered dharmaoverground. With the good information that I found here and other places, I became much more comfortable moving forward. Also, I realize I'm stronger and wiser than the time of the second event, so my fears were unfounded.
Katy:Having read about models by which to study the mind, do you have a sense where you may be and why you're drawn to sharing in such a community?
I haven't spent much time looking into the Theravada map, but in relation to my samatha practice, I believe I am up to the fourth jhana. I can't always get there, sometimes only going in and out of the first jhana. So, I'm at the point of trying to get better at jhanas one through four. It often takes me a long time to get into first jhana, maybe twenty minutes (although sometimes I can get there relatively quickly). The best case scenario is getting to the fourth jhana after about a half an hour, and remaining there for the rest of the sit (about another half an hour). I've thought that maybe I could transfer the level of mindfulness that I can get while meditating into other activities during the day. As a stepping stone, I first tried following the breath while doing yoga and I've found it's like starting over again, and I am unable to quiet my mind for any length of time.
There are a few motivations for me to post on dharmaoverground. The first I think is that I have been following the discussions for a while and reading many of the older posts. I've found them very helpful. It didn't feel right for me to benefit so much without contributing somehow. So, perhaps my documenting the events I experienced would be helpful to someone else who is searching for information.
Also, in the future I think I will have more specific questions concerning my meditation practice. By giving a summary of my experience, it is useful background material for anyone trying to understand where I am and where I'm coming from.
Another reason was that the pain I endured after the 2nd event has gone unexamined by me for a long time and I found it interesting/revealing that I could possibly understand it better in light of the new information I've found here related to possible A&P and DN. I wanted to get some feedback about that.
Yet one more reason for posting now is that in the last month I lost my job because of downsizing. So, I have much more time to think about and document these things.
Katy:Both events could have been A&P events. Here is Daniel's write-up on that. Did that hospitalized occasion release your mind in any way? At some point after the hospital event did you lighten up a bit about life? Did habitual fears/harsh emotions naturally lose their kick (maybe over several months)?
Based on the A&P link you provided, my second event does fall under the “Energetic phenomena”, there are some other categories that apply as well. Also, the prominent suffering that occurred in the months afterword fits. But I can't say that there was any positive consequences from event two that I can remember. It was more of a matter of enduring it until I suffered less.
Katy:if you have concerns about contradicting Catholicism/faith, there is nothing about buddhist meditation competing with /negating devotion/theism, in my opinion
I agree with you there. I think of buddhism as a technology for training the mind. I've read materials about buddhist mediation written by Catholic clergy. I'm pretty open minded about different faiths and spiritual practices. If I had to label myself today, I would probably call myself a Buddhist first, and maybe a Catholic second.
Tom Since you are "on the ride" and have a steady dedicated practice try to keep your eye on the goal, which I assume is at least first path.
I want to take this as far as I can. When I started meditating three and a half years ago, my goal was to reduce stress. I am vulnerable to anxiety and rumination. Since then, I've realized that this path has much more potential, and really there is nothing else that can do the job. I guess the “job” here would be the development of maximum growth and freedom.
It feels a bit weird for me to remain anonymous. However, this gives me the freedom to post personal information that I have barely told anyone in a very public place.