It seems that even the deepest equanimity fades away. I'm wondering if this "falling from grace" or whatever is a necessary part in generating enough dispassion for EQ in order to move past it and get path.
This was my experience. However, by no means did I "generate" dispassion. I experienced letting go in a kind of "<sigh>", in a tired sort of way. I just realized now that I was even tired being frustrated, generating frustration --- it offered no reward, no gratification, so my mind had no energy for that either. I think I was just tired and had no options.
If someone had told me some new approach/means/teacher then I probably would've tried it if they were charismatic enough to influence my mind to try something again. This may have been useful, too. But I was pretty tired of all teachers at that moment, too. I think that's a very, very useful, but very challenging "stage": one is alone in their practice. One's effort must stay patient, not get too despairing. One's conviction in the possibility of mental freedom from the three obscurations ("the three poisons", root kleshas) must exist to some degree more than one's conviction doesn't.
So sometimes it's really good to have no teachers, no one persuasive/charismatic approaching a "practitioner" at this time. Let the practitioner sit down without tools.
In this area, one may be able to feel the pleasure of breathing (if there's no illness/injury related to breathing). That's sort of the authentic, unasserted sukha--- comfort of each breath. There's no wanting being attached to each breath; each breath is not being asked to chauffeur some other expectations. The mind, too worn out with expectations that did not deliver the
expected results, can finally just experience the comfort of the breath. This sukha is not inflated; it is utterly relaxed, automatic, this can go suffusively into the body without effort.
there has been a clear shift back to repetitive, negative thoughts, a strong sense of despair which starts up almost right away when I wake up, intentions and volition to do things which disappears and leaves me frustrated about not being able to follow through with plans and actions, an immense sense of loneliness and isolation, and the feeling as though my person is agonizing, very vague and out of focus/form, and that nothing is stable. I'm glad that this territory is no longer a surprise, and although, to be sure, it SUCKS, at least I can (try to) navigate according to the territory rather than the content. Although, there is also the sad but true fact that many of us are not able to have the dark night discussion with others, besides using terminology that can be understood but lacks the fundamental problem of duality and the issues relating to the self. You can only tell people how your conventional self is hurting, not doing well, depressed or whatever, and most people will wish you happiness and all that, but still never really understand what these stages actually feel like and do to a person.
(...)
But on the other hand, it seems that after awhile, one gets the sense that we are all trapped in the same misery, and in that, there is this odd, motherly, heavy feeling in the heart, where one feels like giving anyone a hug, or just listening in a really heartfelt way. I'm not sure how much of this is just color from the nanas, but it truly does seem like there is a better capacity to feel and sympathize with the sadness of others. I'm not quite sure how to make use of this, but for better or for worse, the heart is very heavy during a time like this.
If there's more beneficial understanding learned from the dukkha nanas, pleases spell them out for me. It seems to me like you've captured the understanding of the knowledges of suffering.
Otherwise there's knowledge of self's fear, misery, disgust, desire to be free of these mental states (as one of Bruno's poems points out in a familiar-to-many visual and/or actual urge of dispatching oneself); and then there is understanding that, "Hey, other people are wrestling with these mental states of being afraid, being miserable, being disgusted and wanting a way to be free of those conditions." In my opinion a) this understanding is a key
final determining understanding of the dukkha nanas (each cycle, but especially the understanding preceding first path), and b) there's no way to come by that understanding and that care for others intellectually. Immersion in this area is extremely hard and some people do dispatch themselves/others here
before they experience the compassion-insight for self and others by watching and understanding and feeling for one's own suffering..
I was thinking about the Tibetan Buddhism practice of seeing life as a charnel ground yesterday. I was walking to the bus, with this intense sense of madness, but I decided to just let it grow and watch it. It was this sense that the whole earth was hell, that this is really an insane, chaotic, and merciless world. I felt very edgy as this sense grew. Then, for the sake of experimenting further, I took the feeling of compassion for others and imbued a lot of joy into the field. Feelings in my heart became strong, and I found that there was a strong sense of sympathy and compassion for others and myself. It was amazing and dizzying to see how pliant (suggestible?) the mind is, and how either of the extremes of joy or misery could be cultivated.
Awesome. Without deciding, "I'll practice metta" and "insight" you found metta and insight. If not, what? Metta practice becomes very different when one penetrates the dukkha nanas. Metta can be very helpful to its practitioners and their effect on others for the better (developing joy and happy relief in others, deep non-judgmental listening ---- all skills that need practice and time, but which can start to take root with the penetration of the dukkha nanas as you've done.)
I think that's excellent, this "you're doing this/discovering these tools for yourself". It's like all the prior learning (reading dharma, for example) collapses a little through lack of freedom, and what rightly comes up now is your own thinking and problem-solving due to some degree of confidence/trust that there is an authentic, living, peaceful, practical, functional freedom to be had in one's own mind and that that mind is going to be able to live and do someday without the obscuring coloration of aversion, craving-gratification and their constructing effects (the three poisons to mind). (To be clear, the three basic sensations --- pleasant, neutral and unpleasant sensations --- are not the same as the thee obscurations, aka "poisons").
And good luck with classes. I think school and work often work really well with dukkha nanas and the ardent practitioner: they compress one to use their time sincerely, to come up with great efforts like getting on a bus and taking up --- in the face of feeling insanity and mercilessness --- the antidotal feeling of sincere, suffusive compassion earned from watching, bearing, treating one's own mind care-fully despite it all.
[edited: grammar & clarification]