Hi.
After being around a while now, I thought I'd add to the "where am I now" threads.
As I've earlier mentioned, I don't remember any A&P crossing.
I've been meditating for a couple of years more or less daily with some shorter retreats interspersed (however first zazen was 20 yrs ago).
Now I am in a state where I often feel pretty calm when meditating, and not that very concentrated, but to some degree.
I have found myself in a place (I've been here before), where I am either very sad AFTER meditating (often for about 30 minutes), and at times irritable (as in I snap at people near me and have a very short fuse again AFTER meditating).
Yesterday, during meditation (I do noting most of the time with some concentration in the beginning) I felt this great calm come over me (familiar sensation). It gets very calm, and my mind (or head?) feels like it's expanding and sort of encompassing a large area. But for some reason suddenly I interrupted my meditation and didn't go back.
Anyways, jump to today. I felt in kind of a sad mood all day, and I sat down and meditated.
And the sadness just took over. I noted breath, sadness, etc. And my mind was very unruly today, I just flew all over the place mindwise, and forgot to note most of the time. And I just felt like this great depression come over me paired with the co-occurring
pain in my back (I always have an ache in my back), so I just bailed out. Got up and left.
Now... Having read the descriptions, I don't even recognize having been at body & mind to be honest.
Is this dark night, or am I just sad and the frustration of not being able to meditate properly aggravates the whole deal?
If it sounds like it is, then why aren't there any vibrations or lights, or whatever (beforehand)?
Then again, I am not very much into the metaphysical in that sense. I am not that interested in strange manifestations and weird powers, so maybe I just don't work that way...
I am interested in progress of insight though!

And as a final thing, I really don't feel like I've had much in the insight department at all. So maybe I am not even at B&M yet?
Thanks for bearing with my loooong text, and for all your support!