| | Ok, so I found Ingram's book months ago, fell in love with it, and was meditating on and off (mostly off because I've been going through some depression and have been feeling lazy and unmotivated). When I got around to it, I did 15-30 minutes a day, but last week something happened:
For the last week or two, I had been really depressed, achy, just generally feeling sick. I hadn't been sleeping well, cancelled therapist appointments, and was just generally really irritable. On Monday, I took a bunch of sleep meds because I hadn't slept for days. I went back into work on Tuesday but the sleep meds had been making me feel groggy, took some of my ADD meds to try to be awake, but then of course I couldn't sleep, and on Wednesday I felt really sick again, lots of congestion and achiness, so on Wednesday night I lay in bed for hours, and I tried to meditate the whole time.
It was very frustrating, because my mind kept wandering off into clouds of irritability and anger, and I tried to catch it, but I wasn't doing very well. I kept mentally internally ranting (I do this when I'm tired) about feeling bad about my relationship with my girlfriend, kept waking her up and pissing her off, and felt pretty down and almost suicidal. I remember thinking I just wanted to be happy, I just wanted the pain to stop, I was just so sick of this.
I managed to sleep a little Thursday morning, went into work Thursday afternoon, felt like shit, groggy, achy, and so I took some Ritalin to try to help me focus (I have ADD and I have been prescribed various meds to take as needed).
I took a large dose of Ritalin, feeling frustrated about this work project that I have been procrastinating, wasting time goofing off on the Internet. For some reason I felt drawn back to this forum, and I was going to post something about a completely different topic, but I ended up reading this post on stream entry:
http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/3923127
and I followed a few more links and read these pages:
http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/ReformedSlackersGuide
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/01/yogi-toolbox-noting-part-1-nicks.html
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2010/11/even-if-my-blood-dries-out-my-flesh-my.html
http://kennethfolkdharma.com/2013/02/what-is-the-three-speed-transmission/
http://www.liberationunleashed.com/
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/p/start-here.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/expectations.html
http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/labels.html
and some other pages on the markedeternal and liberationunleashed websites...
And some stuff just started to click in my head. I had realized intellectually that I didn't exist, that all that existed was experience, no thinker just thought, and so forth, but as I read these pages and started meditating, with all the Ritalin buzzing in my head...
It became totally clear to me that I don't exist. I started texting my girlfriend some of my thoughts on this, like:
"Reading some stuff on meditation that clears some stuff up for me. People like us who have passed the A&P barrier get caught up in cycles alternating between peace and extreme reactivity, and have this intense interest in meditation and spiritual stuff. The way out is to keep meditating and eventually you get to a point where you notice that things happen, then you notice them. Things happen, then you notice them. And the noticer *is not you*."
"Mind creates suffering for itself... just watch it... it's not me"
"I'm noticing this feeling like I can't just let life happen. Like if I let go of all expectations and stop forcing things, bad stuff will happen. Like I can't trust myself. But there's no self there anyway. It's already happening. Experience continues on. My mind will untangle itself... it'll take care of things... it's been doing that this whole time."
(inspired by http://markedeternal.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/expectations.html )
And as I looked at my phone... something happened that I can't quite describe. It was like no one was there for a few seconds. Like my field of vision just opened up with no one there looking. It was just there. Just experience.
I kept reading stuff on this site, and the descriptions of the Dark Night and sequential phases through Fruition really ring true to me. I'm not sure what happened, but is it possible I got stream entry? I'd be surprised if I did, because I haven't really been meditating very much, and it could be some weird trippy effect from the Ritalin or lack of sleep.
That was about six hours ago. In the last six hours it has just been clear to me that there's no one there. Just the mind making up stories. I'm not totally at peace or anything -- my friend came over and I got kinda irritable and upset -- but I feel less reactive and able to return to a clear calm mind. Maybe it's just the Ritalin.
Anyway, sorry for all this long rambling. Just not sure what to make of what happened.
Does anyone have any thoughts, ideas, or explanations? Questions?
Regardless, I'll continue to meditate, continue to remember that "I" don't exist, and see what happens from here. |