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Eric's Practice Log

Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/7/14 12:29 PM
I felt that making a practice log would give me some more motivation to meditate on a regular basis, so here it is.

Long term goal: 4th Path

Current goal: Stream entry

My current practice consists mainly of soft jhana/metta for sanity purposes. emoticon I also dabble in second gear type practices with an emphasis on anatta, eg Maharishi's self-enquiry, some Tibetan "peaceful abiding" practices, and some of Eckhart Tolle's techniques. This is also mostly for sanity purposes, but it also comes in handy when cushion time is sparse, which it most assuredly is. Flickering impermanence is awesome, but I need some solid cushion time to really get to that point. Adopting a more natural, open, equanimous attitude throughout the day seems to help move things along, and I suspect these techniques helped me cross A&P two years ago.

Practice History

I've always been really "into" spirituality for as long as I can remember. When I used to go to church I would always be interested in some of the concepts, especially ones revolving around personal experience of God. My parents attended a Baptist church so personal revelatory experiences like that were rare and often viewed with suspicion. It's almost as if the whole congregation felt that religion is supposed to suck, but somehow it would stop sucking if you read the right holy text and and ended up in heaven.

I was always frustrated when my peers would talk or text during sermons. Why weren't they as interested in this stuff as I was? This was eternity we were talking about! In hindsight, I suspect I may have crossed the A&P when I was really young, because I've always felt I was looking for something. But that's just speculation now.

Fast forward a few years. Christianity is no longer a part of my life, but my interest in personal experiences of a spiritual nature were still there. I became interested in earth-centered traditions, especially because they emphasized travelling out of body to see the spirit worlds for one's self, rather than reading about it in a holy book.

I experimented with lucid dreaming and OBE techniques but had only limited success. I found Robert Monroe's books and found his cosmology fascinating.

At some point I ran into a psychic online who offered to "coach" me. She did, over email, and it worked. I started giving readings online at a reasonable rate of success that often surprised even me. However, while this made me happy, I felt like the experiences were too vague, like there was some kind of wall in my mind that I kept running into. Thus, the efforts to explore lucid dreams and the like continued.

I also began meditating, with the vague expectation that this would somehow sharpen my experiences. I found myself experiencing Mind and Body and soft first jhana. The experiences were so cool that I studied more about Buddhism and Hinduism.

I found and read the first part of MCTB at this point. The three characteristics really caught my attention, and I decided to experiment with some of the techniques and see if I could pick up on them. I guess I must have. I went to bed that night and had a very vivid, colorful dream where I was the Buddha. I was sitting on a hill, and this creepy army of darkness was on another hill. They charged, but instead of running away, I decided to sit down and note them. This decision felt spontaneous and natural. They surrounded me, but as long as I noted them, they couldn't touch me. I realized that they represented reality. As long as I noted reality, it could not cause me suffering. There was a sound like rushing water, and all of reality exploded.

I thought it was a pretty crazy dream. I also felt a little concerned about how it seemed to happen on its own. I hoped I didn't start anything that could not be stopped, but of course, I had.

I never read through the rest of MCTB. We all know what happens after A&P. I didn't realize what had happened or what was about to happen. I also had some pretty difficult ordinary life circumstances. Thus, I got really, really screwed up for a while. I managed to hit EQ last spring by looking at a Huichol mandala. A knot untied in my chest and a fog lifted, and everything sort of became the same thing for a little while.

So, for about a year, I've been in this weird place where I'm technically pre-path, but I'm too far to go back. Thankfully, I re-read MCTB and realized what had been going on all this time.

If I'm not meditating or relaxing in the sunshine, I very quickly drift into this angsty, bitter place where I feel dark about everything. Not the OMGWTFBBQ dark of the dukkha nanas, but more like a mild depression, where everything is unsatisfying at a deep level.

Oh, and I don't bother with siddhis anymore, the Dark Night kinda messed with that aspect.

Current Practice

Like I said, I'm pre-path, but post A&P and DN, so I'm in a frustrating place. I feel like I don't have a baseline anymore, my mind is just kind of all over the place. My most immediate goal is to cross A&P again and give it another shot, but cushion time is limited. I have three kids and one on the way, and a day job.

At any rate, I look forward to logging some more time on the cushion and posting about it here.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/7/14 5:02 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:
I experimented with lucid dreaming and OBE techniques but had only limited success. I found Robert Monroe's books and found his cosmology fascinating.
I too liked his concepts. Then I found the work of his student who continued the work/exploration. I recommend it highly but it is a bit long....three books in the series where it could really be edited down to one. "My Big Toe" by Thomas Campbell check out his youtube ....you'll be hooked...Youtube Link

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/7/14 6:50 PM as a reply to Dream Walker.
Dream Walker:
Eric M W:
I experimented with lucid dreaming and OBE techniques but had only limited success. I found Robert Monroe's books and found his cosmology fascinating.
I too liked his concepts. Then I found the work of his student who continued the work/exploration. I recommend it highly but it is a bit long....three books in the series where it could really be edited down to one. "My Big Toe" by Thomas Campbell check out his youtube ....you'll be hooked...Youtube Link

Oh, I've seen one of his videos before! I was watching videos about consciousness on youtube and one of his popped up, he talked about the double slit experiment and how it shows that this is a virtual reality. Interesting stuff. I had no idea he was TC Physicist, I will have to check out his stuff.

You know, Bob Monroe's views on reincarnation and afterlife environments are very similar to certain Buddhist teachings. For example, "Last Timers" winking out after their final sojourn on earth, and generating escape velocity to escape the space/time illusion.. It's kind of eerie how some of it lines up.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/8/14 12:10 AM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:
Dream Walker:
Eric M W:
I experimented with lucid dreaming and OBE techniques but had only limited success. I found Robert Monroe's books and found his cosmology fascinating.
I too liked his concepts. Then I found the work of his student who continued the work/exploration. I recommend it highly but it is a bit long....three books in the series where it could really be edited down to one. "My Big Toe" by Thomas Campbell check out his youtube ....you'll be hooked...Youtube Link

Oh, I've seen one of his videos before! I was watching videos about consciousness on youtube and one of his popped up, he talked about the double slit experiment and how it shows that this is a virtual reality. Interesting stuff. I had no idea he was TC Physicist, I will have to check out his stuff.

You know, Bob Monroe's views on reincarnation and afterlife environments are very similar to certain Buddhist teachings. For example, "Last Timers" winking out after their final sojourn on earth, and generating escape velocity to escape the space/time illusion.. It's kind of eerie how some of it lines up.
Yes it seems like they do talk about some of the same things. Tom Campbell talks about the Buddhist maps of the 36 non material planes as accurate in his out of body explorations...he goes much further down the rabbit hole than Robert Monroe or Buddhism. I found it very interesting stuff. Bruce Moen is another author that has some good materiel as he was a student of Robert Monroe and continued explorations...not as deep as Tom's stuff though. Tom has a forum on his web site much like here...there are some interesting conversations there. I found the information here about meditation and enlightenment to be much better than Tom's but he goes very far in understanding the greater reality of physical and nonphysical planes.
Good luck,
~D

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/19/14 8:55 AM as a reply to Eric M W.
I haven't written much of anything in here. That is because there isn't much to say. The stomach bug made a third pass through our house this past weekend and I seem to be suffering from some kind of chronic nausea. If I stand up and walk around too much, I get queasy. I also have some abdominal cramping, and going number 2 on the toilet is unpleasant. Maybe I need to take some pro-biotics? This sort of constant bodily discomfort is difficult to work with.

I did do some fast choiceless awareness noting yesterday, for about twenty minutes. Oftentimes I get ahead of myself with fast noting, so I alternate with some gentler body scanning practice. I'm not sure if this is a wise thing to do, alternating two techniques in a single sit, but I always find myself doing so.

Interesting things did start to happen. I got some weird tingles and phantom itches, and there were a few points where it felt like someone was pushing on the top of my head and my sinuses, a weird pressure. This seems consistent with the 3rd nana, but that's a little strange because I don't remember passing through the first two. Oh, well, I'm almost ready to throw the maps out at this point.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/21/14 6:38 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:
This seems consistent with the 3rd nana, but that's a little strange because I don't remember passing through the first two. Oh, well, I'm almost ready to throw the maps out at this point.
Follow your own path not a map. Knowing the map doesn't change what happens in your experiences it just helps put things into perspective. If you find yourself starting from where ever you are...well just do that. Don't try to force it to do the map based "right" things....just check out what is happening right now and at each moment while meditating with as much clarity as you can muster.
Good luck
~D
Edit: and yes, take some probiotics alternate with tumeric, ginger and garlic to kill the bugs.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/21/14 7:15 PM as a reply to Dream Walker.
I started a probiotic that seems to be doing the trick, but I will keep those other things in mind in case I need them.

Did about twenty minutes of metta practice today. I can feel a warm spot grow in my chest area, and I take the warmth as an object, but I can't seem to get into jhana this way. I got into brittle, soft first jhana last night using the breath, but then when I switched to metta it went away. I also seem to have a hard time cultivating metta towards myself. Interesting...

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/23/14 12:20 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:
Did about twenty minutes of metta practice today. I can feel a warm spot grow in my chest area, and I take the warmth as an object, but I can't seem to get into jhana this way. I got into brittle, soft first jhana last night using the breath, but then when I switched to metta it went away. I also seem to have a hard time cultivating metta towards myself. Interesting...
Combine the methods....take the warm spot in your chest area and expand it with each inbreath. "may we be filled with loving kindness" I don't bother to individuate myself or other very often....it's about feeling.
Good luck,
~D

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/24/14 6:55 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Between kids, work, and chores, I have a ridiculously short amount of time per day for formal meditation. Daily mindfulness isn't so great either-- I can start being mindful of my body, or my hands, or something of that nature, but then half an hour later I realize I am no longer being mindful.

Right around the time I crossed A&P, this stuff was so easy. I could incline my mind to mindfulness of my body and be filled with warmth. I could visualize an object and see it clearly. My mind would be crisp and clean throughout a sit. I could read about spiritual experiences and feel that I deeply understand them. I guess this is all in keeping with the symptoms of A&P.

Now, meditation is boring and difficult, even when I do have time for it. I have a lot on my plate as far as daily life is concerned and that just adds to the frustration. I seem to alternate between primal frustration and spiritual inspiration of some kind... Man, I'd cut my left hand off just to A&P again and get back on the ride. emoticon

I need more structure, I think. I've picked up the Mahamudra meditation manual from Spirit Rock again and am starting on the second practice cycle-- investigating mind itself. What is its shape, what is its color, etc. I've always had a proclivity towards the mind and the thought sense door. Now if only I can stay awake and pay attention to reality...

I can still hit first jhana fairly regularly, if my mind is clean enough. It's nice, but it feels fake.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/25/14 1:00 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Have you tried noting during the day? Whenever you remember, try a two to three minute burst of concentrated noting. Doing this at least three times a day does wonders for establishing mindfulness and removing built up tensions/ganglia.

Good luck on hitting the A&P again!

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/25/14 5:02 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:
Between kids, work, and chores, I have a ridiculously short amount of time per day for formal meditation. Daily mindfulness isn't so great either-- I can start being mindful of my body, or my hands, or something of that nature, but then half an hour later I realize I am no longer being mindful.

Set a timer ap that rings every 15 minutes thruout the day on your phone to remind yourself to get back to mindfulness. I play with Noopept sometimes to increase daily mindfulness.
Formal meditation consistancy is the key...let evyone know your schedule and then stick to it...they will help remind you after a while.
Eric M W:
Right around the time I crossed A&P, this stuff was so easy. I could incline my mind to mindfulness of my body and be filled with warmth. I could visualize an object and see it clearly. My mind would be crisp and clean throughout a sit. I could read about spiritual experiences and feel that I deeply understand them. I guess this is all in keeping with the symptoms of A&P.
Dark night is not fun...it doesn't seem like your getting anywhere...but you are. keep it up and get to EQ. It's better than A&P in some ways. Contentment and deep stresslessness is a fantastic reward for getting out of Re-Ob.
Eric M W:
Now, meditation is boring and difficult, even when I do have time for it. I have a lot on my plate as far as daily life is concerned and that just adds to the frustration. I seem to alternate between primal frustration and spiritual inspiration of some kind... Man, I'd cut my left hand off just to A&P again and get back on the ride. emoticon
Ha Ha...good luck choreographing this....what happens happens...start with whereever you are....you can't start anywhere else.
Eric M W:
I need more structure, I think. I've picked up the Mahamudra meditation manual from Spirit Rock again and am starting on the second practice cycle-- investigating mind itself. What is its shape, what is its color, etc. I've always had a proclivity towards the mind and the thought sense door. Now if only I can stay awake and pay attention to reality...
well if noting got you here keep on keeping on...it is frustrating and you may wish for another tool in the DN but this is usually because nothing feels like anything is happening...but it is...keep with it.
Eric M W:
I can still hit first jhana fairly regularly, if my mind is clean enough. It's nice, but it feels fake.
ya, the DN can make it feel a bit miserable and disgusting but really focus on the bliss and positive stuff that comes with it...it is helpful to counteract this stuff.
Good luck,
~D

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
4/26/14 5:41 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. It is very much appreciated. emoticon

I would gauge my baseline state of being as a mix between needing to find something and primal frustration... not OMGWTFBBQ primal frustration like Re-Observation, but more subtle, like even the most enjoyable things seem to be lacking something fundamental.

I admit that I have done very little noting or any kind of formal meditation over the past few weeks. I feel defeated, like there is no way I can pull this off without some kind of big retreat, which is simply not going to happen given my situation. But, I try to remind myself that I made it all the way to EQ without much time spent meditating or even knowing what was going on, so I must have what it takes.

I did some choiceless awareness noting at various points today. I feel MUCH better after I do this. I had a few phantom itches and pains crop up, but they were duly noted. My attention also wandered off into la-la land a few times, but I noted the thoughts when I caught myself.

My plan is to turn off the computer and just do some breath awareness instead of hiding in the internet like I usually do... we shall see what happens. I will also try some dream yoga tonight, if I'm not too tired, but I admit I rarely have success with it, probably because my concentration is pretty dull. emoticon

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/4/14 12:01 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Time to update this ancient practice log.

I seem to operate in two modes lately, two "me's" if you will.

The first me is called Eric the Dark Renunciate. This me is a miserable mess, constantly feeling dark about the world. He wants to leave his job, leave his family, and go to the remotest location possible to either meditate or die. Despite these feelings, he is the sole worker in the family, and has three kids plus one on the way. So the world in which he lives is constantly rubbing the wrong way, like everything is the opposite as it should be. This results in constant and intense frustration. He hates his life and just wants to be alone.

This is me about 90% of the time, I'm sad to say.

The second me is called Eric the Jhanic Bliss-Junkie. This me arises after I do some good metta practice, usually resulting in a very soft jhana, plus some good noting. This me is pretty hyped-up and in a good mood. The things that usually bother me ain't no big deal with Eric the Jhanic-Bliss Junkie is at the wheel. I suspect this is the dawning of immature A&P, as I certainly haven't recrossed the thing yet.

Interesting side-note: when Eric the Dark Renunciate dives right into fast noting, it makes things much worse. A bright mind and a good mood seem to be necessary prerequisites for successful insight practice.

I have two sits I'd like to record...

Yesterday, 30 mins

Started focusing on the rise and fall of the breath, not strictly noting it, just letting my mind settle on it like a rock. Warmth arose in the abdomen. Did metta practice, especially towards one person I have been struggling with. Hit some kind of blockage, but managed to melt past it. Switched to noting after about ten minutes, mostly the abdomen but also on sounds and mental-images, which began rising in rapid succession. Was really "in the groove." A sensation would arrive, followed immediately by a mental impression, usually in the form of a mental image. 

Shifted towards noting in the heart center, with the person I've been struggling with in mind, and BAM! A whole shit-ton of images and emotions that are somehow entangled with this person. Love, guilt, confusion, disempowerment. Holy shit, I had no idea all this was there. Look at this interesting shit I get to note now! Noted it off, soon drifted off into la-la land but came back and returned to the rise and fall of the abdomen.

Towards the end of the sit, I felt that my chair had been tilted back and lifted up, like I was rising really quickly on an evelator. I guess this is "rapture"? I then got overwhelmed with feelings of anticipation, like wow, it's really happening! I was not successful in noting these off, and this seemed to end the sit.

About halfway through the sit, when my noting picked up, it felt as though someone put a really tight band around my head. It was being squeezed by some kind of invisible force. The feeling stopped when my noting slowed down, and ceased altogether when I stopped meditating. 

Eric the Jhanic Bliss-Junkie arose and stayed for most of the day.

Second sit, today, 30 mins

This one was much less productive. I have a head-cold that includes a sore threat, and every time I tried to focus on my breath, my scratchy throat tickled and made me cough. Ugh. I did some metta at first, then ended up focusing on the flicker on the back of my eyelids to block out my throat. Had a few good spots of staying on top of sensations, which resulted in that invisible band tightening around my head once again. The pressure went away when I stopped meditating... hooray for third nana?

I put honey in my coffee, hopefully it will help my throat. The Buddha said that health was the greatest treasure, boy was he right... 

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/4/14 12:21 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Hello Eric,

I can relate with you on the health issues.  I've decided to follow a "Saatvic" (eating mostly alkaline forming foods) diet, and in November I plan to do a long water fast to handle some longstanding health issues.   My go-to guru currently for understanding the body is Dr, Robert Morse, ND.   He has many Youtube videos but not very organized.    Have been slowly weeding out all the processed foods and tainted, inhumane meats.   I can now actually feel the animal's death throes after eating.

In addition, of course, this work we do to quiet the mind reduces the mind's impingement on the body/brain system.   I know of people who at night before they go to bed will scan their body systems and correct it, so I'm sure we will soon be able to do that too if the body is still important to us.

best wishes for your practice,
colleen

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/4/14 1:11 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:

I seem to operate in two modes lately, two "me's" if you will.
The first me is called Eric the Dark Renunciate.
The second me is called Eric the Jhanic Bliss-Junkie.  

This kinda sounds like re-ob and EQ. This is where I spent most of my time. Wake up in re-ob and meditate to get to EQ, hang in contentment til I slide back to re-ob...rinse and repeat. Your descriptions are very EQish.
Keep it up...diligence is the biggest key I found to getting it done. It's the getting to your cutting edge every day and pushing the rock inch by inch closer; if you miss days you don't get to the rock and it doesn't move forward often....so sisyphus the crap out of it.
Good luck,
~D

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/4/14 8:20 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric, I remember Kenneth Folk kinda ranting one time early in DhO about why there are so many post A&P dark night yogis in the the mindfulness tradition: basically everytime they started developing some concentration/jhana, they felt a kind of puritanical obligation to apply mindfulness/verbal noting which killed all their momentum. He said that people really needed to develop jhana and just cook up in it. Not bother with noting, just steep themselves in good old pleasurable jhana. It doesn't even need to be a clear or distinct jhana.  I'm not a jhana guy (ie.not wired the way Kenneth or Daniel seem to be wired) but KF was absolutely right, I allowed myself to cultivate a kind of vague hard to label bliss... things took on a life of their own and SE was just a month or two away.

As I read your posts above it sounds like you have tried a thousand different practice ideas, but it also sounds like you have all the tools you need. You should know that you have full permission to metta yourself to stream entry. The bliss junkie is probably the way to go right now for you.

No need to focus on negative sensations to label them or follow the breath. Just wish happiness for all beings. Allow yourself to feel pleasure in this wish and radiate this wish out to all beings. The more you feel it, the more you can give it away.

The only problem with the bliss junkie route is the frustration when bliss doesn't happen. The bliss junkie takes it way too seriously, wonders why he even tried blissing out, what a fool he is, etc. etc. But really there isn't a problem, it's not like any of us really has control over what arises.

It's enevitable that there will be times when things are tough. You might want to note, which is fine. You might want to follow the breath, which is fine. You might want to just watch the "difficulty" of thing appear on their own. Think of it as a purification happening right before your eyes. As the bad stuff leaving you, burning up right before your eyes. That scratch in your throat isn't a scratch coming, it's a scratch sensation flaring up before you and going away completely. Each sensation: comes and goes as quick as it comes; arises and passes as quick as it arises. And feel free to look for whatever pleasurable feelings are there. Within that scratch is a slightly pleasant feeling, that desirous thing a scratch has. Just like sadness has a bit of indulgence to it. Those little pieces are what turns the dark night into the third vipassina jhana. Accepting it all, but knowing and seeing traces of that oddly cold bliss that lies behind the hotness of dark night. The rough and turbulant nature of dark night, that wierd purification feeling, comes when that hot pain and empty bliss kind of alternate. Reobservation has this wild turbulance to a crazy degree.

But anyway, basically give up on trying to find a single practice method that will get you from AP through the DN. Instead cultivate just being where you are and really getting intimate with it. Trust yourself to shift gears and adjust your practice during a sit. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: If pleasure is happening, no reason not to get intimate with that. If metta helps pleasure arise, no reason not to do metta. Don't cut yourself off from enjoyment or momentum or pleasure or joy. 

When you really let that interest and joy do it's thing, it kinda leads you right through the nanas. You learn to trust it. No need to do anything much at all.

(This was kind babble-y and rant-y, but I hope it helps in some way.)

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/8/14 7:04 AM as a reply to x x.
x x:
But anyway, basically give up on trying to find a single practice method that will get you from AP through the DN. Instead cultivate just being where you are and really getting intimate with it. Trust yourself to shift gears and adjust your practice during a sit. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: If pleasure is happening, no reason not to get intimate with that. If metta helps pleasure arise, no reason not to do metta. Don't cut yourself off from enjoyment or momentum or pleasure or joy. 

When you really let that interest and joy do it's thing, it kinda leads you right through the nanas. You learn to trust it. No need to do anything much at all.

(This was kind babble-y and rant-y, but I hope it helps in some way.)
This does help, thank you.

Not much practicing for the past couple of days... my "allergies" turned out to be a nasty cold. Cough, sore throat, body aches, the whole shebang. I was fully mindful of a few in-and-out breaths at some points, just so that I didn't have any "zero-days," but otherwise I've been wiped out. I've also been working longer hours at work with no days off (today is day seven). 

I just hope the kids don't get sick...

I did have an interesting experience yesterday morning, though. My body and mind were so exausted from being sick that my mind was very, very quiet. I watched the breath a few times and was able to penetrate very deeply. It would have been a great vipassana session if I wasn't so tired, and wasn't at work.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/9/14 11:41 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Hi, Eric. Oh, I'm glad to see you have a log out here. I'm commenting now (past my sit and bedtime) so I can find it later and read more. 

Jenny

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/9/14 11:52 PM as a reply to Eric M W.
Take heart. I got to stream entry even though I've never been on retreat and generally meditated only a half hour per day. And I meditated not much at all during the DN. If you get to low EQ again, don't push to note, etc. Do as XX advises and gently just be there, "gently curious," as Daniel says. In Daniel's new edition, he explicitly says to stop all the noting/pushing by entry to EQ. He says in the new edition that noting is for kindergartners. He said the same thing to me personally weeks beforehand. EQ is tricky because you keep feeling like you aren't meditating well and should be working harder at  . . . something, if only you knew what. Just keep showing up, if only for a 20 or 30 minute sit.

RE: Eric's Practice Log
Answer
9/10/14 1:01 AM as a reply to Eric M W.
Eric M W:
I did have an interesting experience yesterday morning, though. My body and mind were so exausted from being sick that my mind was very, very quiet. I watched the breath a few times and was able to penetrate very deeply. It would have been a great vipassana session if I wasn't so tired, and wasn't at work.
I got SE and third path while very sick. I think there may be access to the dukkha door that sickness can help identify...maybe. Or else there was a viral upgrade to the operating system. emoticon
Just "being" sick....totally....completely... thru and thru....it is very meditative in a sucky way, but it can be very deep. It's not you, it doesn't last, and it certinly doesn't satisfy.
Be well,
~D