| | Hi there. Can anyone offer me some guidance on how to practice at whatever stage I’m in right now (not entirely sure). I won’t have access to a teacher for at least a few months. I’ve been drawn to insight traditions lately after reading MCTB, but I’m more familiar with Zen practice. To make this post easier to follow, I’ve divided it into three parts - preliminary information that might be relevant, recent events that are probably relevant, and finally, my question.
Part 1 of 3: Preliminary Information that Might be Relevant
A. Pre-Practice Phase: I am only now finishing up reading MCTB and have been browsing this website, so it’s only recently become fairly clear that for about twenty years, I was probably either a chronic dark night yogi, or I kept crossing back and forth into Dark Nights.
B. Practice Background: A few years ago I spent 5 weeks in residence at a Zen monastery, and three days later I went to a 10-day Goenka course. Six months after that, I spent three more weeks in-residence at a Zen monastery. Since then I have practiced only Zen on and off, sometimes with an organized sangha once a week. During a 7-day sesshin at the Zen monastery and the 10-day Goenka course, I had REALLY rough times, some of the worst depression I’ve ever known.
Part 2 of 3: Recent Events that are Probably Relevant for My Question
A. About a month ago I was drawn to MCTB and started to mediate regularly again (25-35 minutes twice a day, sometimes more when I can).
B. Other people on this site have helped me to understand that I probably crossed the A&P stage recently. That post and the comments other people gave are here in case you think they might be relevant: http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/5527464. One thing that I left out of that post was that immediately after the peak of the event that I describe, I noticed a degree of depersonification for three to five minutes, and I got this image of my body as it would look if someone painted it in a vaguely Australian Aboriginal style. Anyhow, after that event, I’ve noticed more intense vibrations most of the day, no matter what I’m doing.
C. Since the A&P event, I have been waiting for the inevitable Dark Night to follow, a territory that I thought I knew well. The thing is, it’s been so mild that I’m worried that it’s not yet the DN. If it is DN, though, I’m convinced it’s mild this time because now I know what’s happening, and I trust that it will end eventually if I keep practicing (earlier, I had never heard of anything like a Dark Night - or any other stage).
D. I don’t really recall a Dissolution stage, but about two days after the A&P event, I noticed that I had this dull sense of Fear. That night, it felt like I had a very mild panic attack, but I took the fear as my object of focus, watched its vibrations, and it just wasn’t a problem. It felt more like it should have been fearsome but just wasn’t, sort of analogous to the initial sensation after you sip from a cup thinking there’s orange juice inside, but it turns out to be water.
E. That was followed by some depression (the Misery stage, I presume), but for some reason, it just wasn’t a problem. I took the depressive feeling as my object, but this was a little bit more difficult to do than it was with the Fear. While the depression was proceeding, I got a strong feeling of renouncing the need to be a “hot shot”, and for the first time in my life, I began to feel fine with just being an average guy. The intensity of that sensation subsided after a few hours, but the realization has stayed. Anyhow, the depression was present for maybe two days, but like the earlier Fear, it just didn’t bother me that much. About this time, I started to acknowledge some buried emotions that I usually try to block without realizing that I do that. The “Misery” and Fear vibrations weren’t small points, they were more like somewhat kidney-shaped disks that fell through my head and got more distinct when they “hit” between my nose and upper lip at the rate of 4 to 6 a second. There was a vaguely grey-green or aqua-colored sensation to them that wasn’t really a color.
F. I had mild sensations of Disgust at food and people who I like for a few hours.
G. I can’t say if there’s been any huge Desire for Deliverance because this Dark Night just isn’t all that “Dark”. I recognize these negative sensations clearly, and sometimes they’re sort of unpleasant, but they’re nowhere close to the all-consuming fears and depressions that have incapacitated me in the past for months at a time.
H. The closest thing that might or might not be Re-Observation is maybe some cycling of Dark Night symptoms. Their effect is comparable to when someone else’s six-year old says something to you that would be really offensive coming from an adult, and the most annoying part is not the insult, but that you have to be bothered to respond.
I. Since before my A&P event, I’ve been going through some trying personal circumstances. The thing is that whereas they would have flattened me before, now they are not hugely interfering with my life. It’s not that they don’t matter (they do), just that I don’t experience them as horrific.
J. Last night I was watching a documentary when I started thinking “this seems like how they describe the Equanimity stage, but did I really pass through a Dark Night, or is the end of the A&P? If that was the DN, then that was easier than I could have imagined.” I was a little unnerved at how good I felt and worried that I might be getting a little too proud, and that I might be clinging to advancement along the various stages.
K. Then, out of nowhere I felt something brewing for a minute, and SWOOSH! A pleasant but harsh feeling of renunciation suddenly flowed through my mind and body. It was both quite mild and jarring at the same time. Something hit me that the fear or sadness will ALWAYS be present, that there is no escape - period - but that’s not REALLY a problem because I know and accept that and can experience them as just sensations. “Bittersweet” is the only term I can think of to describe it. I felt a little down but very relieved at the same time. Then for maybe 15 minutes I had the following fractal thought chain that cycled far too fast to attach words to any thought:
1. This renunciation sensation is nice, but it will end, and it’s not really you or yours. That’s too bad, isn’t it? 2. Well, yes, I know it’ll end, it’s not me, and that sure is and will be disappointing. What a load off my shoulders to accept that. Damn, this load off my shoulders is a nice sensation! 3. Oh yeah, well, THAT nice sensation will end, too. It’s not really you or yours, either. That’s also too bad, isn’t it? 4. Well, yes, [go to line 2, repeat 2-4 for 15 minutes]
It was like dukkha and acceptance were locked in a cyclic, pulsing homeostasis.
L. I remembered having read in MCTB that people sometimes confuse dukkha from their own circumstances with existential dukkha. Shortly after note K above, that idea, which had been brewing around for a few days, got forefronted in my mind. I was thrilled to realize this, ironically, because that means there’s nothing to be done about it, so I can stop fighting now. I was also happy to realize that it’s not just me - everyone else is undergoing at least some of the same negative stuff, which does not seem at all like a skillful way to view this.
M. I’ve been feeling stable and level-headed for the past two days, but distracted. Sitting in meditation has become a more uncomfortable. I’m not as “up” as before, but I’m still content. Also, I’m increasingly recognizing what I think is called “don’t know mind”; i.e., I’m recognizing what I don’t know, what I might never know, and am not filling voids of knowledge with my mind, if that makes any sense. The vibrations are there, but not quite as intense or omnipresent.
Part 3 of 3: My Question (Finally!)
Please remember that I am coming from a mostly Zen background, and that my only insight guidance has come from a 10-day Goenka course a few years ago and from what I’ve read in MCTB. I do not have in-person access to an insight teacher or to other practitioners.
For the past month I’ve had two primary practices: monitoring my breath, and sort of just observing my body and mind (usually vibrations). Often I do both at the same time with a kind of dual attention. For some reason, lately, the center point inside of my head has become very noticeable; I’m not sure why. Occasionally I can’t help but notice my heart, too, but only when I pay attention to my breathing and that center head spot.
I have tried the noting practices that I read about only a little bit, but they’ve been good to steady my mind when it’s all over the place. Occasionally I imagine bursts of metta pulsing out of my body to conscious beings and especially to particular people who I can’t stand. I notice pleasant and unpleasant sensations and try to take both as objects of attention. I notice their impermanence and why they’re not part of any continuous self, and yeah, OK, maybe they’re not ideal, but sometimes I wonder what’s so terrible about all this. Occasionally I wonder if switching between different techniques is itself a form of distraction - I really don’t know.
My question, then, is how should I practice now? Should I continue with what I’ve been doing? Should I focus on samatha or vipassana? Or both? How do I do that? Breath monitoring? Just observing? Noting practices? Maybe something else that I don’t even know about yet? Naturally, I’d very much appreciate your comments on anything else, too. |