Well done for logging your daily practice on DhO like many of us did and some still do! It can also help others by following your journey as it is inspiring to see people go through the same or similar stuff

As for the logging details please be as detailed as possible. No reason to expose personal info but when you say "emotions and thoughts" please try to always expose their FEELING TONE was it pleasant or unpleasant or neutral? You mention "pain", but where? Also go more detailed into the pain part of the body! Is it sharp or dull? Is it covering a very small or wide area of that body part? Do you get some mind images arising with that pain? Is there vibrating or tingling or bubbling or anything else happening in that painful spot? Be curious and dont just skim over the experience but go INTO it! Thats why just observing is not as fruitful in my opinion and NOTING 1-5 sensations per second is far more useful!

Best of wishes to you Barros and may your practice be of benefit to you and all beings above, below and all around! 

I woke up at 5:20 without an alarm, after 6 hours of good sleep. I made and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate myself and started meditating at 6:10.
I sat on my cushion with my legs crossed and eyes closed in the living room of my house. I don't have an altar.
Goal: Sit for 1 hour using notation technique. Goal of 1 notation per second.

0-25 min: I took refuge in the Buddha and resolved to notice as many details as possible. I started by looking at the sensations in the body. But today breathing didn't attract attention. The sensation of breathing remained neutral. So I tried to broaden my consciousness and notice emotions, images and thoughts. However, it was already difficult to notice, being perceived diffusely.
25-40 min: Mind has become dull. Having quick daydreams. Random images (not memories) that absorbed attention to the point of almost losing consciousness. However, my emotional state was more neutral, having very little negative reaction to what was happening.
40-60 min: Dullness has passed. But there were still quick daydreams. Noticing tranquility, neutral sensations, curiosity, comparison, investigation, but with soft energy.
In general, I noticed desires, concerns, but everything was very light and moving towards neutral. I had no pain. I had no desire to get up.

Goal: Sit 1 hour (with the following breakdown of meditation types and ratios as a goal or evaluation) 
time start: x o'clock 
Location: My house, upon my standard cushion, (chair, mixed, standing, walking, whatever) in front of my altar(or whatever)

X min- Access concentration/ jhana1,2,3,4
x min- Noticing and Labeling (body- inside or surface, breath, thoughts, 4 other senses, whatever your goal is)
(This is planning and setting intention, then training metacognition to see if the overall sit is happening to what degree, no need to over control just check in over time to see changes per unit time)
Pre meditation conditions -Mental state: excited
0-20 min:
I achieved access concentration by doing X. 
I then started noticing (labeling?) IN the body (vs ON the surface of the body(maybe both, who knows?))
MY sensations(wherever) of MY breath (was like what? (STOP speaking in 3rd party))attracting? (because the transition from x to pleasant to calm was noticeable maybe?)

The phase of vagueness has predominately passed to sensations of breathing neutralness. (fer Eff'n sake, is neutral a feeling? if so what sense door notices it?) Ahhhhh that clarifies, I once too had thoughts and emotions, but I shan't describe anything about them to you.
yawn, ya, dull to even read about really.....(really amazing stuff here but too vague for me to notice the details, as there are none)

The dull, NOT MY dullness, butt THE dull. Leg pains (not my leg pain, where?) 
A kind? what kind?
What was discomfort able?
Feeling hot? where? sweating? where? 
you noticed what? what does doubt feel like?

Please break down what actually happens, especially in the beginning, so we might know WTF you are talking about.
Or take for granted that we can all read your mind.

Good Luck!
~D

Heh he, let's be nice everyone. 

I remember when I was starting noting -- it was initially hard to see, note, and remember all the details. I'm sure Barros' reports will get more detailed over time. 

​​​​​​​

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:10 without an alarm, after a good sleep. I made and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 5:40.
I sat on my cushion with my legs crossed and eyes closed in the living room of my house.
Goal: Sit for 1h20 using mental noting technique with in and out breathing as base. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Note: I forgot to take refuge in the Buddha and make some resolved.

0-30 min: I sat comfortably. My mind was very calm. I quickly focused on the inflow and outflow of my breath. The sensation (vedana) of breath was quite pleasant. Sometimes I looked wider, the erect posture of the spine and the "body breathing". 70% of the notes were on breathing. 30% of the notes were listening, feeling parts of the body, judgment thoughts, investigating the state of calm.

30-40 min: The sensation (vedana) of breathing started to become neutral and to not attracting my attention.

40-50 min: My breathing was quite calm and short. The sensation (vedana) of breathing stopped attracting attention. Breathing became subtle and boring, then I tried to notice other things (four satipatthana), but it seemed to escape me. I noticed it after it passed. So I tried to broaden the focus of attention, but without much success.

50-80 min: I lost concentration (at least apparently). Breathing began to oscillate (short-long) and become restless. Because of this situation, I started to think that I made a mistake in the noting method. I noticed doubt, worry, impatience, restless, desire to get up. But I stayed there noting with difficulty for 30 minutes.

-----------------------
Is the description improving? You can call me out. Please!

DAY 2024-03-07

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good sleep. I made and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my cushion with my legs crossed and eyes closed in the living room of my house.
Goal: Sit for 1h20 using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note: I toke refuge in the Buddha and make resolution to watch the 3C's.

0-25 min: I sat comfortably. I started noting in/out breathing. 70% of the notes were on breathing. 30% of the notes were listening, feeling others parts of the body, comments thoughts about what I was noting, investigating the state of calm.

25-35 min: My breathing became very subtle and short. I thought I would be absorbed by the focus on breathing. But something else started to happen. I started to see monosyllabic speech. It was actually smaller than a syllable. They looked like syllabic vibrations. Very fast. I watched that. I couldn't notice/label it because it was so fast.

35-45 min: I lost my breath as an anchor. I lost concentration. It looked like a drifting boat. I saw things appearing but I didn't have the precision to notice them. I was a little distraught, trying to find myself. But there was calm. I remembered to just let it go and the confusion pass.

45-55 min: The confusion passed. I went back to anchoring in my breathing, which was coarse/rough.

55-80 min: Pain started at the base of the spine and buttocks. A solid pain that dissipated, moved to the knee, also dissipated and moved to the ankle. The latter lasted a long time, for the rest of the session. All this because my spine was falling and putting the weight on my legs. I just watched and endured it.

Remember to note confusion and all of its component pieces, confusion, drifting, worry, uncertainty, searching, anxiety, doubt, etc.  Confusion is just one more thing to note.

And I really don't recomment suffering beyond an hour if your body is hurting. That endurance doesn't usually help. Better to stand up and continue to meditate while standing or perhaps stop after an hour, but ignoring the body isn't a good habit.

DAY 2024-03-08

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good sleep. I made and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my cushion with my legs crossed and eyes closed in the living room of my house.
Goal: Sit for 1h20 using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note1: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.
Note2: My nose/nostrils was blocked. Breathing with difficulty.

0-30 min: I started with my mind wandering. It took about 10 minutes until I was able to anchor my breathing. Even afterwards the mind wandered a lot. With low concentration. After 20 minutes I tried breath counting but it didn't help much. The mind continued to wander. I think the difficulty in concentrating was because I was trying to anchor myself in a pleasant breathing, but it wasn't happening due to a blocked nose.

30-40 min: Then I left my mind playing in its playground without much expectations. It worked and concentration improved.

40-60 min: I notice ill will in pratice. After this the mind became sharp and energetic. I started noticing impermanence in things arising (4 satipatthana). I had mindfulness, investigation, energy, but still not much tranquility.

60-80 min: Concentration improved even more. My nostrils have improved. I could breathe better. I enjoyed the sensation of breathing. I had mindfulness, investigation, energy, and now joy and tranquility. I had no thoughts of giving up and getting up.

DAY 2024-03-09

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I travel to my mother-in-law's house.
I woke up at 5:50 with an alarm, after a good sleep. I drank black coffee of yesterday, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:20.
I sat not on my default cushion, in one bedroom of my mother-in-law's house. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.

0-20 min: I sat on the cushion that I'm not used to. The position was a little uncomfortable. I tried to relax my body, looking at posture and breathing. I started to relax more and more. But around 15 minutes appeared a pain in my back and became worse later. Within 20 minutes the pain increased and I saw my spine curved. I decided to place my hands on knees and straighten the spine.

20-45 min: Resolved. The pain has stopped. The posture was good. I was able to notice my breathing again. Breathing felt good. I relaxed.

45-60 min: I noticed a tension in the mind. I saw that something wasn't right, because concentration wasn't progressing. I investigated and saw ill will and a desire to change something in practice. Like something was wrong and needed to be fixed. I saw dissatisfaction and desire for progress. Then I realized that it was exactly what I needed to let go of and I let it go. I focus again on breathing and my concentration improved.

nicely done!

DAY 2024-03-10

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I still was in my mother-in-law's house.
I woke up at 5:50 with an alarm, after a good sleep. I drank black coffee of yesterday, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:20.
I sat not on my default cushion, in one bedroom of my mother-in-law's house. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.

0-30 min: Before I sit I saw the ill will. I note it and sat. I sat on the cushion that is not my usual one. The position was not good. I tried to adjust but I couldn't, but I continued anyway. I watched the posture, the breathing, the relaxing of the body. I noticed the spine curving. I noticed that the posture was not good. I noticed a desire to improve posture. I noticed ill will due to the posture. I couldn't relax. I noticed a lot of wandering.

30-50 min: I decided to change my position. I changed my legs crossed. I folded the pillow. I moved the hand that was on my knee to my lap. It got better for a while, but then my spine fell and I started to notice ill will with the posture again.

50-60 min: I decided to stop, but then I noticed the ill will in it and left it. I also put good desire there (motivating me by the good purpose of the act of practicing). This improved my posture, my mood, my concentration. I investigated the 7 factors and saw that they were better.

Note: In terms of nanas, I certainly didn't make it to the 4th nana.

DAY 2024-03-11

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I returned to my home.
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good sleep. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:20 using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.

0-35 min: Now, with my default cushion, the posture was 100%. Noticing the breathing and posture I quickly had access concentration. I began to be absorbed by the pleasurable sensation of breathing.

35-45 min: Breathing was very subtle and short. She started to disappear. I started not feeling her and lost my anchor.

45-60 min: I began to wander and notice the blurred images in the center of my vision. I noticed mini dreams, numbness, low energy, low mindfulness, poor investigation.

Note: My hypothesis of numbness is the lack of anchoring in the sensations of the body.

60-80min: Solid pains appeared in the knee and ankle of the leg that was crossed above. I held on for a few minutes and decided to change position, following Shargrol's advice. With that, the pain went away and I returned to having good concentration and everything I had at the beginning of this session, as I once again had pleasant sensations in my body to ground me. This continued until the end.

Nanas: In the first part it seems like I reached 4 nana, then I went to dukkas nanas (numbness phase). With the pain, I change legs and regain concentration, I no longer know who it would be in terms of nanas. Did I go back to the first nanas?

More about numbness phase: During the numbness, I kept investigating, looking at the loss of memory of what I was doing, the difficulty in seeing things emerging, the diffuse center of attention. Blurry images in the center of vision.

In order to improve my log, would you have someone's practice log that you could recommend for me to read and follow as an example?

DAY 2024-03-12

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good sleep, at home. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:20 using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.

0-20 min: I started with a comfortable posture and began to notice breathing and body posture. I noticed a laziness in notice/label. I just wanted to watch and be absorb by the pleasant sensation of breathing. Then I noticed a doubt, whether I was changing methods. That I was doing shamatha instead of vipassana. The doubt remained for 1 min. In doubt I couldn't stay and so I decided to keep focused in breath and see what would happen. But it didn't take long and the desire to notice/label returned. 

20-50 min: I started to notice well. I was more anchored in breathing. The concentration was increasing. It reached a point thar I had never seen. I felt a very pleasant sensation in my breath at the base of my lungs when I was exhaling. Especially at the end when there was a pause. It felt like someone massaging the local, at a specific point. Very pleasurable and absorbing. I noticed that it would eventually end, so I wouldn't get so attached.

50-60 min: The high phase of pleasure has passed. The energy dropped by half. I noticed a forgetfulness of what I was doing. Slightly numb. A gray image in the center of vision. I instructed myself to wait the forgetfulness to pass. The memory came back, I spent observing the senses (sensations in the body and hearing), energy increased, but then dropped again. It had ups and downs. But I had no confusion, worry, dullness, or desire to change the situation. It was a slight numbness.

60-80 min: The numbness passed. The energy came back. I still wandered sometimes. I had no joy or pleasure in my breathing, but I had contentment with the situation. I was fine with the things that came up. I didn't realize dukkha at this stage. I noticed general calm.

DAY 2024-03-13

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:20 with an alarm, after a good sleep, at home. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 5:50.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:20 (BUT I DO 1H) using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note1: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.
Note2: I'm married and have two sons. In monday we discovery that we will need to take loan. I have a small company of software development.

0-10 min: I started with a comfortable posture and began to notice breathing and body posture. I noticed sounds, smells, images arising and sensations associated. I noticed thoughts. I noticed pleasure in breathing.

10-20 min: I started to have ideias to help my business. I noticed the ideia. But in this moment was good ideias that could really help my business. Then I let the ideia continue e proliferate. I was with mindfulness and could control that. Then I came back to noticed breath and body. After another ideia arised. I again let it dismember. I managed to control it again and then came back to notice breath and body.

20-50 min: I started to wander. The thoughts was not associated with my business. It was randon thoughts. The energy started to fall. I alternated between wandering and noticing. But noticing was lazy. The investigation was weak. I forced the notation and it didn't solve. So I let my mind wander.

50-60 min: I tried to force the notation but again it didn't work. I was wandering around a lot. I decided to try up to 60 minutes. It hit 60 minutes and was still wandering. I decided to stop and got up.

Is there anything I could cut from my reports? Be more objective?

I have spent around 40 minutes every day translating from Portuguese to English. I work from morning until night. And I still take care of the family.

DAY 2024-03-14

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good sleep, at home. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:20 (BUT I DO 1H:10) using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.
Note1: I toke refuge in triple gem and make resolution to watch the 3C's.
Note2: I went to bed late yesterday. I woke up with an alarm but really wanting to sleep more. I noticed ill will to pratice.

0-10 min: I started with a comfortable posture and began to notice breathing and body posture. I didn't get access concentration. I was wandering.

20-60 min: Energy started to fall. The numbness phase has begun. I noticed wandering, mini dreams, ill will, desire to change the situation. Around 50 min I noticed a lot of fighting. Loss of consciousness. Breathing long and forced unconsciously. I say unconsciously because I caught myself in the middle of forced breathing and at this moment that I was aware of what I was doing. I tried to look for where there was discomfort in breathing. But when I looked it, I couldn't find, because just by looking it no longer existed (I think I couldn't express it well). In these moments of consciousness, energy, mindfulness and investigation improved. But then fall again and I noticed ill will and desire to give up. I decide that I would get up after 1h of practice. But when 1h arrived I just noticed the desire. I investigated the self there. Who wants to get up? I find nothing. It passed and I continued there.

60-70 min: Energy, mindfulness and investigation improved. But after fall again. 70 min arrived and I decide to get up. The self won! haha.

Well done! Practice is going well but please don't spend 40 minutes to translate all this into English! It's ok to update us every week with the general stuff about yiur daily practice. I used to update my teacher once a month! Just general stuff and maybe some things I experienced as "wow!"  

Btw I too have two sons! One is 8 years and the other little bandit is 3 years old!  

Best wishes to you and your family! May this practice benefit you all! 

DAY 2024-03-15

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 6:15 without an alarm, after a good sleep, at home. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:35.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 45min using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Note: I woke up late today because I decided to sleep more as I was very tired.

I'll try to speak in general terms today to not take too much time. I started the first 10 minutes wandering. Then concentration increased and I began to immerse myself in breathing. The sensation of the body faded away, leaving only the breath. I just kept noticing the breath, commenting on the experience. I was very calm. Then I had a desire for the absorption to increase and began to lose it. I noticed that, released it, and absorbed again. Then I lost it again. Finally, the energy dropped, I had mini-dreams, the time was up, and I needed to get up. I finished with 50 minutes.

DAY 2024-03-16

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 6:15 without an alarm, after a good sleep, at home. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:35.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

I began by noting the breath and quickly attained access concentration. I had mental presence, investigation, energy, joy, and tranquility. After 30 minutes, the energy and mental presence decreased, and the investigation became poor. After some time, I started to notice anxiety and a desire to change the situation (torpor). I noticed and let go. Then energy and concentration increased again. I tried to observe contact in the senses > sensation > attachment, but found it difficult to see.

 In general, its usually better to put the mind on what is clearly arising rather than trying to go straight to "contact". If attachment is arising, put the mind as close to the "attachment" feeling as possible and it will naturally become "sensations" and maybe even "contact". If sensations are arising, put the mind as close to the "sensation" experience as possible and maybe it might become contact.

(But worrying about all of this is much too technical, the answer is to always be mindful of what is already occuring in the present moment --- simple! )

Although in theory contact is "better" than sensations which is better than attachment, if you try to move past what is currently arising it creates a sense of unconscious aversion to what is currently arising.  Does that make sense? You have become an "I" that is not directly experiencing the present moment, but rather is being a perfectionist and adversely judging the present moment. See if you can notice this when it happens. This is our egotistical need to be a good/perfect meditation, make progress, etc etc.  It's okay to have those desires, but in meditation it's important to see these desires and not get caught up in the role of "being the perfect meditator". 

It's very important to notice when our "I" wants to change how meditation is occuring, how it wants to manipulate the experience into something "better". This is normally how we live our life, but in meditation we need to learn to drop the self-improvement instinct. 99% of meditation will follow this pattern:

1. Realizing you are lost in thought or an emotion - you can't control this, the mind will realize this on its own through its natural intelligence. You'll find yourself "back from a trance". 
2. Letting go of being an "I" that is thinking or planning or judging or trying to manipulate the experience -- and noting it "thinking, thinking", "planning, planning", "judging, judging", "manipulating, manipulating", "fixing, fixing" etc. etc.
3. Then after noting the general kind of thoughts you are having, note if there was an emotion associated with those thoughts. Were you worried, disappointed, sad, feeling like a failure, feeling powerful, bored, happy, proud? Note that emotional tone.
4. Now return to the sensations that are already present - the breathing sensations, the sitting sensations. Physical sensations are always in the present moment, so if you are mindful of a sensation you are back in the present moment. Note a sensation, any sensation. Good, you are now present
5. Now you can decide to continue either narrow noting (focus on just breathing sensations or sensation in general) or wider noting (sensations, emotions, and thoughts). Develop a skill and intuition about how broad/open your mind can be. Sometimes you might feel drawn to narrow noting, sometimes you might feel drawn to wide noting. Both are equally fine, noting is just a general framework to help give you feed back on being present. 
6. Continue noting at the pace of about one note each exhale...
7. At some point, you will realize you have been lost in an emotion or a thought. Good! No problem! We actually want this to happen (I say more about this below), just smile and go back to #1.

Notice how your mind's natural intelligence brought you back from being lost. THIS IS WHAT GETS TRAINED. We aren't trying to force perfect mindfulness. What we are doing is creating conditions so the natural intelligence of the mind teaches itself to be mindful. The mind is learning how to come back from a emotional or thinking trance. In order to learn, we need to "fail" many many many times, but it isn't really failing, it's meditation TRAINING.

And then when you do the noting of thinking and emotion (step 2 and 3 above), you are helping your concious mind learn about the things that put you in a trance. These steps are more like psychology training, you are learning about the subconcious ways your mind retreats from the present moment and gets lost. 

Hopefully you can see that meditation training is different than psychology training. In psychology, we look at the mind and try to understand it, figure it out. But in meditation training, we're developing the natural intelligence of the mind, which we can't train intentionally. It just sort of happens the more time we spend being mindful and going from trance to presence many many times. Noting is a very good practice method because it gives us a framework for noticing when we've gone into trance (we've stop noting!) and gives us a framework for psychological introspection by noting the sticky thoughts and emotions that send us into a trance. 

Progress in meditation happens beyond our direct control. But progress in meditation does happen if we keep a consistent daily practice with a method that helps us learn about trances. Over time, the mind will prefer to become more mindful because there is less confusion and suffering in mindfulness. (Trances are seductive, but living in a trance is confusing and stressful and causes problem because we're disconnected from reality). This all takes time and can't be forced, it can only be encouraged through consistent practice.

Hope this helps in some way, definitely disregard if is too confusing or doesn't seem to apply to your practice. Everyone is different and needs slightly different ways to frame their practice. Focus on what works for you.
 

DAY 2024-03-17

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 6:15 without an alarm, after a good sleep, at home. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:35.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 50 min using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

In today's practice I think that I discovered my biggest attachment currently in practice: The desire to not lose mindfulness (mental presence) in order to investigate/notice.

I started by noticing the breath and quickly gained access concentration. The sensation of the breath was enjoyable. After 20 minutes, I noticed my energy dropping and the sensation of the breath no longer grabbing my attention. I lost interest in it. So I began to investigate this. Why did I find this numbness situation wrong? Then I thought, if I'm truly numb, I won't be able to maintain my attention for 10 minutes. And I did a test; I started counting my breaths. To my surprise, I didn't lose count for 10 minutes.

Then another problem arises: which came first, the chicken or the egg? I think counting brought my energy back. Or perhaps it was the interest/curiosity in what such an action would result in.

I thought about repeating this in the next few days. To experiment. Because I believe the numbness turned into paranoia and prejudice. I see the energy drop and project it will turn into torpor.

With this, I discovered that my biggest attachment at the moment is wanting to maintain access concentration throughout the entire session to be able to notice/investigate. How can I progress if I don't have mental presence? That's why I think there's something wrong with the practice when I "THINK" I don't have mental presence.

In summary, I think this is what I should notice and try to accept/overcome at the moment.

You're very welcome.

For what its worth, the only difference between someone who can sit for and hour and someone who can go on a ten day retreat is exactly this set of abilities. Soon we develop a new habit of accepting that trances occur, that trances can give us insights into our subconscious, and that it's normal to "start again" many many many times every hour of the retreat.

When someone can't accept that trances happen, that they "shouldn't" happen... then they look at trances as "wrong" and start fighting with their own mind... and they burn out in a day or two.

DAY 2024-03-18

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a not so good night of sleep. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:15.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Today I sat in ecstasy after reading the precise advice given by Shargrol. My mind was restless haha. But I was happy and with a huge heart. I was wandering a lot, reflecting on what he said. But I didn't mind much about it. I noticed myself thinking, wandering, commenting, and then returned to the breath. Soon, upon contact, I perceived, noticed, and had no attachment afterwards.

From 25 to 40 minutes, I experienced torpor. But I could notice it (low energy, weak mental presence, wandering, many random images). But I could let it go. No paranoid. I managed to let go 70% of the time. I didn't notice myself trying to change the situation at any moment. I was very happy about that.

DAY 2024-03-19

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:15 without an alarm, after a good night of sleep. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:10.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:10 using mental noting technique with in/out breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

I sat down with a bit of reluctance to practice, but I noticed and followed through. I began to notice sensations in my breathing and body. I quickly gained access concentration. But after 10 minutes, I entered a phase of lethargy. Today, my heart wasn't really in it, haha, and thus I struggled to accept. But it's okay, I kept noticing as best I could. I had ups and downs, entering and exiting the trance. I noticed reluctance, a desire to change the situation (I knew I needed to accept, but I noticed this desire upon returning to consciousness). As I found it difficult to notice more, the lethargy deepened. After 50 minutes, my energy started to improve, and I began to perceive dukkha better. I noticed discomfort in the mind and breathing (tightness), but it didn't change the situation much, and I finished with 1 hour and 10 minutes.

After getting up and returning to my routine, I investigated the state of my mind and didn't notice any feelings of disappointment or sadness, despite today's practice being 80% in a trance. Now I know that I'm in training, and it's part of the learning process.

Perfect.

And one other note to file away for when you need it: the worst sits are the best sits because that's when we learn the most. 

I wish there was a different way, but dukka really is our teacher. But if you make friends with dukka, it really does serve as a guide to insights and awakening.

DAY 2024-03-20

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good night of sleep. I make and drank black coffee, not read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:10.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Today I didn't read about the Dhamma; I read about work-related matters instead. I sat comfortably and began to notice sensations in my breath and body. In the first 10 minutes, I had energy but was wandering in thoughts/ideas about work. Since the desire to think was strong, I decided to use the technique of imagining that it could be my last i/out breath before dying. It worked! I started to focus and notice the sensations of breath and body more. Around the 25 min my energy began to decline. I started to enter a trance state, becoming unconscious for a few seconds, experiencing mini-dreams. When I regain consciousness, I realize what was happening. I notice that I was in discomfort, confusion, with a desire to change that situation (dukkha). Then I look at my body and notice the tightness in the breath. I smiled and thanked for being conscious again and returned to noting. I went through this cycle of trance and mental presence several times.

DAY 2024-03-21

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a short night of sleep (total of 6hs) - I usually need 8hs. I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:10.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:10 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

I began by noticing the breath and the body. I didn't have access concentration. The sensation (vedana) of the breath wasn't grabbing my attention. It tended towards neutral. Around the 25-minute mark, my energy started to decline. For about 5 minutes, I managed to stay present and attempted to perceive in the body where the lethargy was. I felt a heaviness in the area around my eyes and forehead. Then, the mind gradually became duller, and I entered the trance phase (unconscious). Unlike wandering thoughts of the past and future (planning), it's a mode similar to dreaming. For example, at one point when I regained consciousness, I found myself in a mini-dream trying to access the dharmaoverground website to read something that would help me overcome that torpor (dukkha). I remained in this cycle of mini-dreams and mental presence until the 50-minute mark when I found myself 'nodding off' (my head dropped forward and I got startled). I changed the position of my legs and started investigating by asking: what do I see in this moment? What can I perceive? The energy improved slightly. Then, I did breath counting to stay more consciously aware. It worked, and I continued observing until 1 hour and 10 minutes.

DAY 2024-03-22

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a decent/moderate night of sleep. (total of 7hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Note: Today I used an app on my phone to listen to my spoken notes and transcribe them. Below is the result (revised):

Sitting comfortably
Noticing the breath
Observing the body and relaxing
Scratchy throat
For now, there's not much to say, as nothing is arising. I'm just paying attention to the body and the breath.
Sensation of the breath drawing attention
Coughing
Relaxing again.
Seven awakening factors OK
Thinking that using this app will work out because it will keep me energetic, not allowing me to relax too much; I think extreme relaxation makes me sleepy.
It's been 10 minutes
Realizing that 10 minutes went by quickly
Dog entered the room, I had to move the phone away from me, as he wanted to lie on the phone and would turn off the app.
Observing him lying in front of me.
Feeling his contact on my legs.
Mental state okay
Energy okay
Hearing rain starting outside
Clearing my throat
Waiting
Relaxing
Awareness of sensations in the body
Calm
Investigating but everything is calm, nothing much happening
Clearing my throat
Noticing details of the breath
Image of the lungs
Hearing a baby crying
Commenting on the experience
It's been 20 minutes
Seeing the echo of "20 minutes" in my mind.
Like an echo in the mountains
Comments on the echo.
Observing the breath
Sensation of the breath is neutral
Neutral vedana
And a perception that energy is decreasing
Feeling unconcerned about comments, as I'm recording them.
Previously, I used to try to memorize the experience. That's why I feel lighter now.
Energy improved
Thinking
Good mental presence
Does speaking interfere with increasing concentration?
Doubt
Observing the breath, but I noticed doubt several times during this time.
Doubt about speaking while meditating.
Noted the doubt and returned to the breath.
I think if it's not good, someone will guide me to change and adjust it.
Coughing
Observing the sensation of the body that changed after coughing.
Body vibrations
It's been 30 minutes.
Not as tranquil as before, but there's mental presence, investigation, and energy.
Thinking
Waiting
Thinking (Wandering)
Returning to noticing
Returning to the breath
Focusing
Was absorbed in the breath (almost 20 min)
Now returning to noticing the six sense doors
Observing the body
It's been 50 minutes
Noticed a mental discomfort
Tried to find where the discomfort was but it disappeared
Thinking...
[I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT STOPPED TRANSCRIBING SHORTLY AFTER 50 MIN]

Summary:
I tried to note the main experiences. Sometimes, I didn't speak aloud as it might disturb concentration. Initially, I had many notes; then, concentration increased, and I stayed more with the breath, noting mentally but not speaking to avoid disrupting concentration. Today, I didn't experience a phase of torpor because this verbal notation doesn't allow too much relaxation, so energy doesn't drop. I'll continue using this technique to see how it goes. I think I shouldn't keep changing techniques, but it'll be good to try for a while to see if it helps with the torpor difficulty. Later, I'd like to hear your opinions.

"I'll continue using this technique to see how it goes. I think I shouldn't keep changing techniques, but it'll be good to try for a while to see if it helps with the torpor difficulty. Later, I'd like to hear your opinions."

Perfect, this is the right attitude. Experiment with your practice and test things out for yourself. Sometime we/I want to jump in and give advice but it's really important for each person to figure out what works for themselves in their own actual experience. 

DAY 2024-03-23

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good night of sleep (total of 7hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:10.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:10 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Today I used another app to try to record and improve my timing, but the app was paid, and it had a limitation on the audio size, so the voice notations didn't work out.

Overall, I had good moments of notation. I didn't have any issues with breathing absorption, I didn't experience strong moments of concentration, I had moments of low energy, but I didn't reach a state of stupor.

However, as I was actively noting, investigating, whenever I looked into something, it changed. The act of investigating caused a shift in my state, so I had ups and downs, but with investigation, energy returned. What I noticed most today was that whenever I investigated or looked into something, energy returned, mental presence improved, and it remained like that.

DAY 2024-03-24

I didn't meditate; I had visitors here, and I drank on Saturday. I was tired, so I couldn't wake up to meditate.

DAY 2024-03-25

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a long night of sleep (total of 8hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice at 6:00.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Today again I had ups and downs. I could mainly notice when my energy dropped, when drowsiness started to settle in, where I didn't have a clear view of my breath. I was noting the breath, was relaxing, but I sort of began to drift and lose focus on the breath, and with that, random images started appearing in my vision (my eyes were closed). It was a mental vision, random images, they were enticing, drawing attention, and I noticed this. I shifted focus to hearing. It was raining at the time, and I started paying attention to the rain, noting the rain, and there I maintained an anchor to keep mindful attention. Then it passed, I had ups and downs again, I returned to the breath, then lost focus again. This cycle of high and low energy persisted, but there wasn't any strong drowsiness.

DAY 2024-03-26

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a bad night of sleep (total of 6hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

I used the app to make spoken notations as I went along. Up until the 40-minute mark, I had good energy and was noting well. From 20 to 40 minutes, I noticed dullness creeping in. Energy dwindling.

I've noticed it coming through my sight. When I'm focused on breathing, my vision becomes dull, pulling my attention away from the breath. And then, if I focus on this dullness in vision (it's enticing), it pulls me into drowsiness. So, I try to shift my attention to the sense of hearing or the physical sensation of my spine, my upright posture.

By doing this, I managed to steer away from the dullness until it dissipated. But after 40 minutes, a stronger dullness set in. I tried focusing on hearing, it didn't work very well, I switched to the posture position, it helped for a while, then it didn't work anymore. I tried counting breaths, and it helped. I kept switching my attention between these senses, trying to move away from the dull vision.

I was mindfully observing it happen, but by shifting attention to these points, I somehow managed to prevent the dullness from progressing. After 50 minutes, I opened my eyes to check if the app I'm using was recording properly, and it wasn't. So, I adjusted it and went back to meditating.

After that, I woke up a bit, but I also lost concentration. When I returned to focusing on breathing, I was wandering more often.

Dull vision is the hazy vision. Non-clear and defocused. 

This kind of visual space can exhibit very interesting visual experiences which can be observed the same way you observe the sensations of breathing. 

I would suggest putting a bit more effort into "curiosity and allowing" around such dull and unclear, nebulous visual experiences. 

All experiences can be used to fuel our awakening. We are learning on the cushion not to run away from aversion into that we desire. We learn to not defend that which we desire and fear that which we feel aversion towards might arise again. 

All of experience is fluff. Acceptance and curiosity about ALL arising-passing experience. Be it calm or dull or itchy or boring ... acceptance and curiosity (loving investigation). 

Best wishes Barros!  

DAY 2024-03-27

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a short night of sleep (total of 6hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Note: today I used ChatGPT not only to translate but also to improve the description of the text. Let's see if it helps.

Shift in Focus and Encounter with Seductive Relaxation
As my session progresses, my concentration wavers, with moments of focus but without reaching the desired "access concentration." After about 20 to 25 minutes, I notice a sensation of blurry and hazy vision, accompanied by a seductive feeling of relaxation, which draws me towards drowsiness if I were to focus on it. This experience presents a challenge, as it tends to distract me from my practice. Despite attempting to broaden my focus to comprehend these experiences, I struggle to maintain my attention without being lured by the seductive relaxation.

Doubts and Uncertainties
Doubts begin to arise regarding the effectiveness of my meditation practice. I become uncertain about my method of observation, questioning whether I am noting sensations too slowly or inaccurately. These doubts create an obstacle to my ability to fully engage with the practice, leading to internal conflicts and additional uncertainties about my progress.

Persistence Amidst Doubts and Desire for Progress
Despite the persistent doubts, I persevere in my meditation, attempting to set aside uncertainties and desires for progress. I become aware of the interconnection of my thoughts and sensations, recognizing the challenge of maintaining focus amidst distractions. Through broad awareness and perception of energy, I manage to remain present in the moment, observing my experiences without becoming overly entangled in doubts or desires.

Reflections on Concentration
As the session draws to a close, I reflect on my level of concentration, acknowledging that I did not achieve the desired "access concentration" or a strong focus on my breathing. Nevertheless, I find comfort in my ability to maintain a broad awareness throughout the practice, indicating a sense of acceptance and contentment with the outcome of the session.

DAY 2024-03-28

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a reasonable night of sleep (total of 7hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Introduction
I sat comfortably and focused intensely from the beginning.

Initial Concentration
In the initial moments, I experienced strong concentration, possibly reaching "access concentration." During this initial period, I felt good and connected.

Drop in Energy and Confusion
Around the 40-minute mark, I noticed a drop in energy. This led me to investigate what was happening, observing various mental images and sounds that arose. I experienced moments of confusion, not knowing what to focus on. I dedicated myself to actively observing and investigating these phenomena.

Investigation with Curiosity
I sought to understand this drop in energy, adopting a curious stance and exploring what could be causing this change. During this phase, I observed discomfort and a desire for change. Although I noticed this desire several times, I also sought to allow it to be present, trusting in the natural intelligence's ability to correct it.

Lower Concentration Towards the End
Towards the end, I noticed more images, thoughts, comments (less concentration).

Summary
Overall, the session was of a light nature with minimal discomfort.

DAY 2024-04-01

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a good night of sleep (total of 8hs). I make and drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Note 1: In the past few days, meditation has been the same as usual. Perhaps a little less enjoyable because I went to my mother-in-law's house and meditated there briefly, using a cushion that doesn't help my posture. I took more advantage of it to rest/sleep. But today was different.

Note 2: I gave up recording my notations out loud. I found that it wasn't allowing me to reach deeper stages of concentration.

Today I came back to my house.
I slept very well last night. Last night I also prioritized resting instead of meditating, waking up early. So, today I gathered a nice energy, a nice motivation.
Because I was rested, I came back to my house. I was in the environment I'm used to, especially with the pillow that I have a good posture. I don't have a posture problem when I'm with it, not lately.
Then I sat down, I quickly had an access concentration. I was centralizing, concentrating. And around 20 minutes I started to have a pitch in my hands.
Meditation was very light and easy. I noticed a very good energy, an energy that I even had in retreat.
Energy that seems to be the apex, at least in my practice it was the apex. This energy and this concentration was increasing. 40 minutes I was changing the points, let's say pitch or what I was concentrating on.
So I saw myself concentrating, changing points, but I left it. I realized that this continues to be changes and impermanence. There is no one place.
I was already 40 minutes well concentrated, but I changed the points where I was looking, that I was interested in looking, the mind was interested in looking. And around 40 to 45 minutes I wanted to cough. It was another point too.
I was sleeping badly because I was coughing a lot. This cough improved, I had a cold back there. That night I didn't cough, I slept well too because of that.
And then, after this cough, it shook the concentration a little.
But then I came back to concentrate again. I was concentrated, the nice energy continued. After the cough, I only had a moment of disconcentration of the apex I was in.
But I came back to concentrate again. 
There was a moment when I was very focused on the body's broad vibrations, and my son started coughing in your room (far from me). I felt my body vibrating with each of his coughs. It was as if it were waves when stones fall into the water.
In the end of the session, I began to perceive images, memories and feelings associated. A little bird singing, feelings associated.
Images, thoughts, feelings associated. My son talking, baby crying, feelings associated. It was very nice to see this too, very subtle.
And after an hour, I needed to conclude the meditation session. I think I had A&P nana.

DAY 2024-04-02

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a moderated night of sleep (total of 7hs). I drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Today was different from yesterday. Yesterday I sat with a good posture, it was a nice posture. It was easy to concentrate. I didn't put much effort, I was taken, I was taken like that. During the practice, I noticed the mental state and energy, and couldn't help but compare it to yesterday. It was noticeable how yesterday was easier (effortless). Yesterday I just looked and concentrated. Not today, today I had to put effort.

Yesterday I didn't even need to notice, I just observed practically. Not today, I had to notice, I had to look, I didn't have, in the first ten minutes, I didn't have access concentration. I was still vague.
Around thirty minutes I hadn't reached that level I had yesterday. Yesterday, putting effort, so I had concentration, but it was weak. And after thirty minutes I felt that energy fell. It's likely that the energy dropped due to the effort.

Around thirty-five minutes I noticed my spine falling, it was already fallen. And I straightened my spine. I made an effort to keep it straight. And it didn't go beyond that, I stayed like that, putting effort, I was vague, more forward. In the end I was realizing that there was a conversation, a nap. I wasn't thinking intellectually. Not even commenting on the meditation. They were mini-dreams, when it starts with a nap, and then this nap leads to sleepiness. Although today I was rested, I slept well, I didn't have physical fatigue. Anyway, sometimes I wonder why this is happening. If there is something I need to let go. I was trying to investigate, but I couldn't see anything.

DAY 2024-04-03

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 5:30 with an alarm, after a moderated night of sleep (total of 7hs). I drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

Today, before sitting, I reflected that the desire for progress, to ascend through the nanas, might be my biggest obstacle in practice. Because I think I have 7 years of practice, a retreat, and have reached the DN, deep down I think I'll quickly pass through the first nanas. But to be honest, that hasn't been happening in recent months. I've been stuck in the early nanas, not even reaching the 4th nana.

So today's practice repeated like most of them. Having good concentration on the breath and body until the 30-minute mark. Then I had a cough that disrupted concentration, and after that, a drop in energy and a phase of lethargy.

In summary, I think I need to reset my expectations. To be more content with what I've achieved in my spiritual practice so far. To accept more. To be more humble about my accomplishments. To change my mindset.

I think that makes a lot of sense.

Hmm... you might like: Amazon.com: Food for the Heart: The Collected Teachings of Ajahn Chah: 9780861713233: Ajahn Chah, Ajahn Amaro, Jack Kornfield: Books

Very true. But it's also wise to only bite off what you can chew, so to speak.

Everyone needs to decide for themselves how to moderate their practice, otherwise facing too much suffering and trauma just triggers more suffering and trauma. 

Practice should have a feeling of almost alchemy and transformation, at least most of the time. If it is a pure sufferfest, then something is being overlooked... probable the "view" isn't quite right. 

My hunch is that you need to figure out what "making progress in practice" looks like for YOU. In other words, regardless of what other people report or what other traditions say, what do you want to get out of practice? If lethargy is the problem, what does not having a problem look like? And what is the result if that happens? What do you think you are missing in life due to this meditation problem? How do you know this to be true?

There is a funny technique called the "5 Whys", where like a child you ask yourself Why? five times. Sometimes it shows you there is a deeper answer, and sometimes it shows you that there is just circular thinking. In any case, it can be good to explore different ways of asking the 5 Whys:

I don't want to experience lethargy halfway through my sit.... why?
Because I want to make progress in meditation... why?
Because I...

Or,
I have to get rid of lethargy halway through my sit... why?
Because experiencing dullness isn't good meditation... why?
Because the mind needs to be clear and precise... why?
Because...

etc.

Just something to play around with, especially since it does seem like you are a bit stuck.

And definitely be open to the idea that meditation practice might not even be the problem or solution. There were MANY times in my life when I was (unconsciously) hoping that meditation would fix something else, but when I saw my motivation clearly I realized I needed to work DIRECTLY on that thing/problem/project and not just hope meditation would fix it.

In Shargrol's compilation I find these books maybe can help me:

• In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter A. Levine
• Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing by David A. Treleaven

Yes, those are both good books, especially since you brought up trauma in your recent post.

By the way, it's important to say that some trauma heals much better with professional help (and I'm not a professional, and I don't think others are here) so definitely don't rely on just meditation advice if you are working on significant trauma.

Aspects of trauma and mental health are the kinds of things I mentioned above where it can be tempting to hope meditation fixes it, but usually it also takes some DIRECT methods to uncover, make conscious, and develop good coping strategies. I dealt with depression for years and I think meditation helped quite a bit, but it was really looking more closely at things like family context and reactive patterns that I saw how I was exhausted from pushing away aspects of my psychological life and running toward big projects and adventures... I just mention this because we each need to "fine tune" how we work with our mind to also fit our life experiences.

Generic mindfulness meditation is rarely enough (even for awesome meditators like Shinzen Young, so definitely for all of us   I'm not saying we all need to go into therapy instead of meditating, but we need to be open and aware of those sorts of practices/modalities, too... and that will probably help make better and quicker progress in meditation.

DAY 2024-04-06

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 6:00 with an alarm, after a good night of sleep. I drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 1h:00 using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

In the beginning of the practice, I explored possible traumas or feelings present in the body, but didn't identify anything relevant, giving the sensation that the issue was resolved, as if it were a closed chapter.

For the first 35 minutes, I quickly focused. I experienced discomfort in my hands, forehead, and spine. The sensation in the spine was somewhat strange. It felt like I was leaning to the right. Then, I felt discomfort in my neck. It seemed like my head was completely tilted upward. After 35 minutes, my energy dropped a bit. I drifted a little. Then, I refocused on my breathing. Later, I began to feel discomfort in my buttocks. I focused on the pain and tried not to resist it, letting it pass. I observed it. It became numb and then disappeared. Then, I returned to focusing on my body. I stayed there, but it wasn't as enjoyable as in the beginning. I was focused, I was there, there wasn't much to look at. I scanned my body, searching for where to release energy, where to concentrate. But there was nothing remarkable, and I stayed there until the 50th minute.

DAY 2024-04-07

CONTEXT BEFORE THE START OF PRACTICE
I woke up at 6:00 with an alarm, after a good night of sleep. I drank black coffee, read a little about dhamma to motivate and started to practice.
I sat on my default cushion, on my house's living room. I sat with my legs crossed, eyes closed and with my hands in my lap.
Goal: Sit for 40min using mental noting technique with breathing as anchor. Goal of 1 note per in/out breathing.

In the first 10 minutes, I tried to bring up the theme of trauma. If it would bother me in any way. But it didn't bother. Then I tried to bring up the theme of the desire for progress, the desire for progress. The why of the desire. I was asking the 5 whys of why I want progress. There were also several explanations to the mind, until it reached a point where the questions were no longer necessary. So, I stayed there, observing the breath, the body. The breath was tight, it wasn't relaxed. I couldn't anchor myself in a pleasant sensation in the body. So, I also tried to accept that. I didn't want progress. I wanted to face this here. Why am I not accepting this here? I tried to feel that, accepting that. Trying to figure out how to accept that. Investigating, looking, sometimes I asked questions. I stayed with that. I haven't had much success in this discovery yet. It didn't relax, but it's okay. The idea I wanted to convey is that my ideal of meditation, which I have been carrying so far, is helping. So, I'm going to change, I want to reset this way of meditating. Change this ideal view of meditation. I want to discard it. So, it's okay. After 30 minutes, drowsiness started to set in, wandering a lot. I wasn't able to pay as much attention. I decided to stop, because I don't want to force it. I'll try to change some things, because I used to force it, I used to go along, I tried to take it. Until the point where I tried to investigate and was following, fine. But today I was trying to investigate and I couldn't. Also, I didn't want to force it, so I stopped at 40 min.

DAY 2024-04-08

Today I sat down and once again attempted to challenge the "hypothesis" of trauma. Nothing arose, so I returned to notation using breath as the foundation. I meditated for 50 minutes without any new insights.

But something curious happened after meditation. I was washing dishes, and it became very clear to me some of the psychological defense mechanisms I have. There was an anxiety to finish quickly what I was doing, as if something more important was about to happen. I reflected that it was the start of my work. But I saw that it wasn't that. Urgency always arises in my mind, a desire to improve something within myself. To not be perfect. I noticed that as a defense mechanism and returned to washing the dishes. Shortly after, the nervousness returned. I investigated and again it was the desire to quickly finish cleaning. I noticed it, accepted it, observed it dissipating. I stayed there watching it and letting go. And it became clear to me that this is human nature, a defense mechanism to strive to be doing something, to be better, rather than enjoying who we are and being content with the present moment. This feeling is not new. I've always had it. And I understood it better after reading what I'm going to talk about below.

I went to Shargrol's compilation, searched for defense mechanisms, and found the excerpt from the link below. After finishing reading, this became even clearer to me. Highlighting this part:https://shargrolpostscompilation.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html#droppingdefense

​​​​​​​It became clear that I just need to notice, accept, and let go, because it won't disappear forever; it will come back at other times, as it's a defense mechanism of the psyche, of the human being. I don't have to try to change that. And that in itself is a relief. In summary, it's pretty much this:

DAY 2024-04-09

​​​​​​​I practiced for an hour. I started by setting metta/intentions. Then I focused on my breath. But in the first 10 minutes, my mind wandered a lot. From 10 to 25 minutes, I managed to concentrate. I was present, observing my breath. However, the breath didn't pull my attention, didn't anchor me. I felt neutral towards everything that arose. So, I broadened my attention to the five senses, alternating my focus on them. Everything felt neutral. It started to get a bit boring, to be honest, without any excitement. But at least I wasn't wandering. It seemed like a sort of "low equanimity," but I'm not sure since I have little experience with equanimity, or maybe none at all.

From 25 to 40 minutes, my vision became dark. Like a blackout. I tried to anchor myself in the sense of hearing. My energy dropped. I tried to regain it, trying to "fix" it.

After 40 minutes, I managed to regain the focus on my breath. And a sensation in the middle of my forehead. In the third eye. Then I became more anchored in my breath and forehead. But there was a sense of tension. I had to exert effort to maintain it. I wandered a bit, but only briefly.

DAY 2024-04-10

Today I meditated for 1 hour. I began by intending metta, gratitude, loving-kindness for all beings for the first ten minutes. I noticed that gratitude fills my heart the most, it touches me deeply. Wishing loving-kindness for other beings also touches me, but not as much as gratitude. And wishing loving-kindness for myself is neutral.
Note: It's not just today that I've seen this. Every time I do this practice, it's the same.

From 10 minutes onward, I focused on breath counting. During counting, I didn't achieve access concentration. After 20 minutes, I started to observe the breath more broadly, trying to notice the other five sense bases, looking for anything bothering or blocking in the body. There was some tension in the body, but I couldn't locate where. I believe it was due to excessive effort. I think I exerted too much effort trying to find a way to relax.
Note: before practicing notation (and before the retreat), I could relax more. I don't know if it's because today I practiced less shamatha or because I'm in another POI, or both, I have more difficulty.

After 30 minutes, my energy dropped, I felt a bit dull, I tried to fight it, improved my posture, changed the position of the cushion, and the energy improved, but then dropped again. I investigate dull.

At 50 minutes, I straightened my spine again. The energy improved, concentration improved. Somehow I managed to relax. There was relaxation, and meditation became easy, there was no effort. It was effortless to stay there after that. It reached 1 hour, and I needed to stop.

Note: @bahiyababy, I see that I really need to balance effort/energy and relaxation/centering. I'll try to work on this.

DAY 2024-04-11

Today I did an hour of practice. Yesterday, I was thinking a lot about balancing effort and relaxation. I think the issue of drowsiness, of lethargy, comes from putting too much effort into my practice. Forcing oneself to be attentive and concentrated. So I saw that I need to relax that ("centering" instead of concentration). Balancing effort and relaxation. So, before the practice, I read a bit about this subject. The text also talked about the issue of shamatha and vipassana, which is another point I had doubts about. I thought it had to be either one or the other. But not everyone purely does one or the other. And that comforted me, to practice with my intuition, where I balance both.

And I sat with that mindset. And quickly I concentrated, relaxed. I put in the correct effort. I was quite concentrated during the initial 30 minutes. Then I ended up relaxing too much. I saw that my spine wasn't straight. Energy dropping and drowsiness. So I corrected my posture. And at that moment, the energy returned. I had other insights that I was having thoughts about the practice because the dull. I was comparing, judging. So I note and let go of those thoughts.

I returned to concentrate, to feel the body, relaxed again. After those final 30 minutes, this happened a lot. Relaxing too much and energy dropping. Noticing comparisons, judgments, and letting go. Returning to have energy, to concentrate. So I saw a lot of that at the end of the practice. There was also a moment when I felt the other side. The opposite of thinking I was doing very well, that I was perceiving, praising myself. I let go of that too. And then I returned to the sensations of the body. Returned to being "centered". And I finished with an hour, having the feeling that I did well.

Note 1: I think this desire for progress stayed in the subconscious, it became a habit. Despite that initial trauma no longer existing, I think it created this desire for progress deeper in the subconscious. Created this karma. So, I have noticed it, letting it flow and relaxing, because it is automatically related to effort.

Note 2: Yesterday in practice, I intended metta and didn't relax as much as today. It seems that trying to balance effort and relaxation had more effect.

Nicely done. Gently but dynamically balancing is the way. In time the balancing becomes intuitive but we need to practice/gently train ourselves. This is the only way to access insight that are deeper than intellectual/philosophical/egotistical thinking. 

I agree that spending time understanding what experiential qualities exactly are referred to by e.g. the spiritual faculties, and the seven factors of awakening (that is, what does having a lot of faith and energy feel like?), figuring out what makes these qualities arise/what makes one feel those things (what generates faith for me? What generates tranquility? etc.), learning how to voluntarily develop each of these qualities, and understanding how they relate to one another and how to "balance and strengthen", as Daniel says in MCTB, is really neat.

Thanks @shargrol and @oliviers!!!

DAY 2024-04-12

Today I did an hour. I started the session with a single concern: maintaining an upright posture. This would be my primary object of meditation. The second would be the breath. And so I began.

I already started with access concentration. I managed to relax. I noticed, during the exhale, the body relaxing upon the erect and firm spine. Like a cloth falling over a standing broomstick. I saw the solidity of the spine, the solidity of the upright posture. I noticed tranquility, energy, and pleasure. And I went on like this for the first 35 minutes. Then I felt a slight drop in energy. And so, I focused even more on the upright posture. I stayed there with access concentration.

Around the 40-minute mark, I felt my left leg very numb and starting to ache - I have a problem with this left leg. I have a large varicose vein on it. I have to keep it under the other leg, but I forgot to do that, and that's why I had pain. So I switched legs. I went back to maintaining my upright posture. And the energy returned.

After that, I noticed once, I was wandering in thoughts (for 10 seconds). I became aware of it again, noticed it, and set the intention to stay on the breath and the upright posture. Concentration quickly returned. I didn't wander anymore. And that gave me a great satisfaction. A gratitude. I noticed the pride, let it go, and continued. And so I stayed until an hour had passed.

I finished this session with a lot of gratitude, a lot of happiness for having succeeded. I felt that I did the work that needed to be done.

Note: today I did not review the translation made by ChatGPT.

DAY 2024-04-13

I did an hour. I started by focusing on the breath and the spine, but today I wasn't as concerned with solely maintaining attention on posture. It wasn't my primary object of meditation. I was quite open, feeling the body relaxed. With access concentration from the beginning, observing the body. I was very calm, relaxed, enjoyable. Around the 15-minute mark, I began to notice that I wasn't paying much attention to my spine and became concerned about energy dropping, sort of comparing it to yesterday, where I managed to maintain an upright posture with energy for a longer time.

Around the 20-minute mark, I noticed that my spine wasn't very straight. I was comparing. So, I decided to reposition the cushion, the posture. That shook my concentration a bit, but I relaxed, didn't worry about it. I kept observing the body, noticing any tension, and relaxed.

Around 35 minutes, the energy dropped, there was a moment of torpor, I continued noticing, investigating. By 40 minutes, the energy returned, I tried to look at my posture, how it was, and I couldn't see, it was blurry, I didn't have a clear image of the spine, somehow I knew I was upright, but the image was blurry, I wasn't sure how the spine was. But I continued noticing, it was fine, I was alert, could notice sounds, that I was calm, tranquil, had mental presence.

Around 50 minutes, I had a bit of mental confusion, I tried to see myself, notice things, I had difficulty in precision to notice, see things arising. I stayed there, looking at it, curious to see, that there was no fixed point. I had spasms in my hands, arm, slight spasms (I had had this before). It seemed like energy was rolling to adjust the posture.

This confusion lasted about 4 minutes, I returned to tranquility, could see my body clearly again, the body relaxed, I was being calm, breathing, seeing the breath flowing, and remained like that until the end, until an hour passed. I wanted to stay a little longer. I stayed a few more minutes because it was enjoyable, peaceful, and thus I finished.

DAY 2024-04-14

I did 50 minutes. I was at my mother-in-law's house. I arranged a mat and folded it instead of using the cushion that was there. With this, my posture was very good. In the first 20 minutes, I had a few wanderings, longer thoughts. As soon as I returned to my awareness, I tried to investigate the seduction, why it was so seductive. Why did I wander? And I understood some things about it. With that, they didn't come back. I understood more deeply the desire behind that thought. They didn't come back.

Around 30 minutes, I had some discomfort in the body. I tried to remember where it was, but couldn't. I tried to investigate the discomfort by asking: what does it feel like to feel this sensation? I remember accepting the situation and putting myself in the position of an investigator. Just by doing that, the situation changed. I felt and relaxed. And that went away, didn't come back.

At 35 minutes, I was completely present, with great energy, calm, tranquil. The breath was very short, gentle. Something arose, I investigated and it disappeared quickly. I was very calm, very present. It seemed like equanimity, because everything that arose I experienced, looked without reaction. Sometimes it wasn't pleasant, but it didn't affect me. For example, someone entered the room, opened the door. A jolt of surprise energy ran through my body because I didn't expect that. This energy ran through my body and dissipated, I accepted it and just observed it. It didn't bother me. And so it went until the end. I finished with a very good feeling because here at my mother-in-law's house, I usually didn't have deep meditations like this, and today I did.

DAY 2024-04-15

I did 50 minutes. I started by focusing on the breath but wandered quite a bit. I investigated the thoughts and saw that it was due to things that happened yesterday. Attachment to two ideas (one religious and one financial). I wandered a lot today in these thoughts. As I became aware, I returned to focus on the body, the breath. I let the mind wander, didn't force it back to awareness. I already understand that this doesn't solve anything.

Around 40 minutes, I saw my youngest son coughing inside. He was sick yesterday, we'll have to take him to the doctor shortly.

I felt an even greater urge to get up. But my wife was with him. So why? I saw that it was just a desire to leave the meditation. I saw that agony of wanting to get up because the meditation wasn't enjoyable. I looked at it and thought, what is it like to feel this agony? How does this agony seem? I looked at it, saw it dissipating. In fact, I saw it was just a thought of agony. As I looked and returned to the body, it disappeared. So it was a mental agony fueled by thoughts. As I was present, it dissipated and there was no problem there. The body calmed down, the breath became calm, and that was it for me.

In the end, I was very calm. When the 50 minutes were up, I got up because I had to get up anyway.

May your child heal fast! My two sons have been coughing for almost 4 weeks. The doctor said its just a certain virus but we shoud not worry unless they have high fever. My youngest 3 yo is still coughing. 

Best wishes to you and your family! 

DAY 2024-04-16

I did 50 minutes. Before starting, I read about relaxation and effort. A reading that came out today, by Ajahn Jayasaro, whom I follow. Coincidentally, the subject was what I have been trying to practice lately.

After reading, I sat down to meditate. I focused on the breath, observing the body. Trying to balance effort and relaxation. However, despite having slept well (7 hours), I woke up strained, feeling very sleepy and it took a while for the sensation to pass. During meditation, right from the start, I began to feel sleepy. Usually, it comes later, after reaching a peak of "good meditation." But not today. It started earlier. I entered the phase of lethargy earlier. I observed, tried to maintain experiencing, investigating, had ups and downs (lost consciousness, then regained). I stayed like this until 50 minutes passed and then my patience ran out. My son woke up and then I decided to get up.

DAY 2024-04-17

I did an hour of meditation. I started by observing my breath and body. I gradually relaxed, observed, and balanced effort and relaxation. Quickly, I attained access concentration. I began to see very subtle things. I was noticing very subtle things. The noting was easy. It seemed like I was a great "noter", effortlessly using the noting method. Normally, I think I'm bad at "noting." Today, I felt like the best noter, noticing very subtle things.

Comparison, for example, something that always happens in meditation. But today, it was very subtle and clear that I was comparing the experience to other days. When I started to lose the speed of noting, awareness, and concentration (because I started coughing), I noticed very clearly, comparing, judging, trying to correct.

Today, I coughed a lot, so around the 25-minute mark, the coughing increased a lot. And it made me lose concentration, the "centering." Then I began to notice coarser things; I lost that subtlety. And I noticed a lot of ill will, laziness, desire to restore the "centering". But I couldn't let go of it. I noticed it, but didn't let go. Then a slight torpor came. Later, I managed a bit, noting this is ill will, I returned to centering on the body, on the breath. But images started to come, many images in my mind.

I noticed comments, those comments we always make, they were very close to me. At the beginning, when I was noting well, that comment seemed far away (it didn't affect me much or I didn't identify with it). I could note it and it would disappear; it was far from me. It was more like background noise. But at that moment when I lost concentration, I heard the comment very close to me. It was very coarse and I identified with it.

Around the 50-minute mark, leg pain, impatience, I decided to change leg position to have more energy and be able to stay until the end because I felt like giving up and ending the session. Energy improved, I managed to enjoy exhalation again, but it didn't deepen like in the beginning. And then an hour passed, and I finished.

When experiencing dull concentration on breathing try not to force it but let go of it and just breath calmly with the whole body relaxing with each in and outbreathing. The "whole body" is just sitting there and calming down. It's coughing. It's itching. It's feeling joy. It's feeling cold. Hot. Stiff. Equinimous. 

Keep the whole body in mind and calmly breath in and out. Allow calming of the whole body. It's ok. Whatever comes. I breath out calming the whole body. I breath in calming the whole body. 

Our lizard brain is a simple fight-flight mechanism that stresses the body easily. So we train it to calm down. 

This is where Tibetan Shamatha (calm-abiding) can help. 

​​​​​​​Best wishes! 

DAY 2024-04-18

I meditated for an hour. In the first 20 minutes, I quickly focused, relaxing my body and breath. I entered the access concentration phase, a state of sharp and clear mind.

After the first 20 minutes, I entered the dull phase. I tried to apply what Dusko suggested, to relax, observe the entire body, and calm down. I observed the mind's fight-flight patterns and continued noting.

Around the 40-minute mark, dullness transitioned into drowsiness. But at 45 minutes, I started feeling pain in my right leg. Today, I tried a different position, with my foot turned upward, resting on my thigh. It was quite painful at that moment. So, I decided to change leg positions, naturally bringing more energy.

My son woke up at the 50-minute mark and came to the room with me. This activated my interest in auditory sensations. Naturally, I became curious and my energy increased. I remained there, noting, in this state. An hour passed, and I concluded my session.

DAY 2024-04-19

Today I meditated for 50 minutes because I needed to take the kids to the doctor. I started by relaxing my body. In the first 10 minutes, there were many thoughts. I was wandering quite a bit. After the first 10 minutes, I managed to concentrate, being more present by observing my breath and body. However, the concentration wasn't very strong. The subtleties of what was arising weren't very clear.

Then, around the 30-minute mark, I began to feel dull. I kept looking, trying to observe my body, to relax it. My vision was blurry, and it was hard to notice things. After 40 minutes, I decided to follow Dusko's advice, but I adjusted it in my own way. I opened my eyes and tried to observe more frequently, focusing only on thoughts. I forced the notation. And it worked. The energy returned. Initially, I was very confused, not knowing what I was doing. Noting a lot, seeing, seeing, seeing. But then it began to clear up. The energy came back. And I noticed my breathing calming more. I noted, seeing, seeing, seeing. Tension, contracted breathing. I knew there was tension somewhere. I felt pain in my leg. But it was very confusing, not knowing what I was doing. But then it calmed down, and it worked. I managed to stay calm, with energy, until the 50 minutes were up. I would have stayed longer, but I needed to get up to take the kids to the doctor.

DAY 2024-04-20

Today I woke up with a very frequent cough. I tried to meditate but couldn't. So, I decided to go to the hospital.