Forum: Dharma Overground Discussion Forum

Hi everyone, guess I should say who I am and stuff!
From what I've seen in other posts, you can't post too much in a post here, so I think this will end up in multiple posts in a thread.

I've just started up a blog, and written an exhaustingly long intro post there, so I'm just going to snag some bits from it, since it's all going to be the same stuff anyway.

My name is Nicola Dunn, my refuge name is Karma Dechen Djon Ma, I quite often use Djonma as a username for things.

I was born in 1981, various things happened to me throughout my childhood, I'm sure it will be far too boring for me to explain them.
My Dad was Buddhist, my Mum Christian. Well, my Dad hadn't taken Refuge, but he'd lived in Thailand for 17 years before meeting my Mum, and counted himself as Buddhist.

He took refuge at some point with the group that became our Sangha, I can't remember when it was though.
I took refuge when I was around 13.

My Sangha is a little unusual in that it has both Kagyu and Sakya centres and Lineage and teachings. This is because the founder of my Sangha, Karma Thinley Rinpoche, is recognised as a Tulku of two seperate tulku lines, one Sakya, one Kagyu.
It makes for an interesting community, and although I feel more drawn to the Kagyu School, I've got to say the Sakyapas have great music!

Back to me though.
I'm pretty useless when it comes to Buddhism, I think.
My life is complicated, thanks to a mixture of physical and mental disabilities.
I use a wheelchair outside, and I'm bipolar. This makes things difficult.
I can't work, I'm perpetually broke, and that makes things more difficult.

I know, I know, the Dharma should make things easier for me, and when I'm studying and practicing, it does.
But I go through phases or cycles.
Very badly.
I'll go for months, even years, without doing any practice at all, or even studying.
I live Dharma sure, it's very subconscious, which I guess is a good thing, since a lot of what I seem to be finding in my studies, seems to be about getting things from the conscious to the subconscious. This is big in Tibetan Buddhism, since it's in the period after death where we're relying solely on our subconscious to remember all the mantras and right ways of acting and thinking, to bring us back to precious human birth, and I seem to have that down pat - if I'm in so much pain I can't even think (happens a lot unfortunately), I get Menla's (Medicine Buddha) mantra going through my head. It's a good thing, and it does help.

But consciously I'm a nightmare.
I don't do the practice.
I need to be doing it.
But then, I'll suddenly pick up and practice solidly and study solidly for a couple of months and everything will get clear and better, and I'll feel better and I'll even calm my mental issues down a lot, but then something happens to make me stop for a day, and it all falls apart.

The worst thing was university - I went to uni, and I was so exhausted and in pain all the time from the effort of it that I'd drag myself out of bed just in time to get to lectures, and then I'd get home and collapse into bed, then be woken up in the evening by my boyfriend, spend a couple of hours relaxing with him, and back into bed.
It didn't work at all, my health has got so, so much worse in these last two years trying to do a full-time degree.
And I've come away with nothing but major debts and worse health.
My bipolar is a total mess, and I can't walk further than across a room without needing to sit down or cry.
What a waste of time and money.
Money that I don't have either.
I'm so bad I can't work, and I don't know what I could do anyway. I don't have any qualifications.

I feel such a strong calling at the moment, back to Buddhism.
I need to do something.
I wanted to study Religion at Open University, so I could then do an MA in Buddhist Studies, but I don't know if I'll have the money.
I need to wait at least 6 months to sort some of my health issues out and the major money issues out. But I won't get a decent income, I'm stuck on low-rate benefits because of my disabilities.

I really have such a strong desire to be studying though. Studying Buddhism.
It's weird; my local group where I grew up with my Dad, we just meditated together every week.
It was lovely. We'd chat about things as well, but we weren't really encouraged to talk about our experiences.
And I've had so many 'odd' experiences.
I've talked to my Lama about some of them, and he verified them for what I thought they might be, but I want to really read the books and study hard and ask questions.
I have a million questions.

I don't even know my full lineage; I know my Lama, and I know his Lama, and I could root around a bit, but that's it.
But I've been pretty much estranged from my Sangha for years; there isn't a group where I am and I've lived here for over 6 years.
I've only seen a couple of people from my Sangha in that time, and it was when my Dad was going through triple bypass surgery, and I was pretty much a wreck.

I can't get to see my Lama easily; I don't have the money to get to London to see him and transportation is so difficult in a wheelchair.

If I did get to go and see him, I'd have to ask the really important questions, talk about how to settle my practice and sort my head out properly, not all the million questions I have buzzing around in my head because there wouldn't be time for that.

It makes me sad really; I'd love to be going to meetings regularly and be able to talk to other members of my Sangha about all these things, but I can't; they're so far away and I can't get to them easily.

So, I guess, I'll ask stuff here, and I'm going to post on my blog, and get into the routine of reading other buddhist blogs and asking things out there in the blogosphere as it's called, and hopefully it'll help.

I started listening to BuddhistGeeks, and that has inspired me a lot, it's really good. I'm still catching up on back episodes, I'm still in early last year!

But I'm fed up of this constant cycling between practicing and feeling ok, and not practicing and feeling awful.
So even if it's just a tiny bit every day, I have to do something now.

And I need to work out what this pull is that I have, I guess Christians would call it 'the call'. I can't become a Nun though; I have a boyfriend and physical and mental care needs. Bit difficult.

Anyway.
That's me!

Nicola
Djon Ma

Hi Nicola,
Welcome, first of all!

The challenges around starting, and then maintaining a consistent daily practice is something most people here will know about. There has been at least one thread about reconciling meditation with a busy family and work life.

Regarding your teacher - do you have to meet him face-to-face? I'd imagine, with a long-time member of the community, that he might be willing to talk on the phone?

Cheers,
Florian

Speaking to him on the phone would probably be a possibility, yes, but unfortunately I have a hearing problem that can't be corrected by aids, and I find phones very difficult to deal with. I'd also like to see him face to face. It's been far too long since I last saw him, and I miss that connection.

Thanks though.

Nicola

Djon Ma