a vast, billowing profusion of gnarled shape and biological form.
filling your whole body, vast space, feeling wonder that you do not explode.³
a body which is obese and thin as a skeleton, thin as twigs at the same time.
a field of rot and screaming which is the same phenomenon as a still field of calm blankness.¹
this being present makes it clear that all words i use, all specific thoughts, are violent bindings of ignoring this underlying nature of mind.
when i go about my day and feel my lips, my hands, my eyes, i cut off almost everything which exists.
the words i know are a tragedy, or even a betrayal of reality.
the suddenness of this - i did not mean for this to happen when i lay down tonight - of course, i mean, of course, i grieve to have said anything at all.
i've always wanted to study mathematics but i haven't any idea how i could find my way to mathematics from this and if it was math in the normal way what would be the point? ²
¹ a warm smoothness. feeling this perspective alongside that rapidly churning infinity and feeling like they are representing something which is the same
² rhetorical question
³ only relatively mildly distracted by such fearful thoughts due to a series of experiences with not exploding
what- experience? what? please what, i could use some what. i mean it feels obviously vile and depraved to go about trying to use, ugh, abstraction to do anything but in light of this i could still use some what, please. yall have these lingual frameworks and i have familiarity with some of them, a handful of years meditating with mctb in context, etc
