Starting a new log. Previous logs:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/24853504
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/25858268

5/12
Back into the head/mind stream in today's sit. Back up into or near that dreamy state. I will sort of dip into it and then back out again, is what it feels like. No distance between "me" and sensations, anything I see, hear, feel, think, etc. A deep calm. Sensations are like little eddies that spin up and then subside.

5/13
Three sits today, 45 minutes each.

5/14
No sit during the day, just my poor planning and time management.
Tried to meditate before bed, did for maybe 40 minutes before I fell asleep, would have sat longer but the sleepiness got me.

5/15
50 minute sit early afternoon, another 1 hour sit late afternoon. 

Gentle noting, more labeling early on, less or no labeling later on. Relaxing into the sit. I feel very good even though it seems as though nothing much is happening during the sit. I do notice subtle shifts in concentration, and subtle shifts in where attention is focusing during different parts of the sit... For some strange reason?? I got really frustrated and really averse to the sound of a helicopter. For literally no reason at all, not a clue why I had such extreme irritation at a helicopter that I just wanted to go away. Later in the sit, much more relaxation and lightening of body and mind. No more anger-triggering helicopters... There were a few times when it felt like attention is not focusing on anything in particular, and I just notice broad, vague, space... No-particular-thing-ness... Until something specific pops out again. 

5/16
1 hour sit. Just relaxing, noting, going along, all sense doors, trying to just note thoughts as thoughts, NOT go into trances even if nice-feeling, noted a lot of thoughts about work, and occasional thoughts about practice, sort of "how is this sit going", checking in with the sit type thoughts. Nothing that difficult or negative during the sit, in the middle I lost the flow of noting, readjusted, resettled and continued on.

But off-cushion, though!! I feel a mind freakout coming on, I am getting so easily and overly irritated, frustrated, annoyed, by some particularly annoying people in particular. Like, gonna tear my hair out if this annoyingness does not LET UP. 

Obviously I know that if there are any practical solutions to make any particular situations better in daily life I can do those things, but aside from that... letting thoughts and emotions just be what they are... can be difficult. I see the trap of getting stuck in this stuff, and I know not to do that. But, there is this feeling of, "There is ALL this extreme irritation and feeling bothered and annoyed and frustrated, so what do I DO with it?" There is that wanting to DO something with it, DO something about it. The feeling is - I can't just let it be, right, I've got to DO something about this. I CAN'T just let it be, and I MUST judge myself for feeling this way, etc. etc.

I guess I already know what to do. I know well enough to let thoughts be thoughts, emotions be emotions, however powerful or captivating. It's obvious what to note, obvious that I can just note it, obvious that I don't HAVE to get sucked into it.

So. May I bravely experience this moment and wisely avoid reactivity!!!!!!!!!

5/17
50 minute sit. Very strong concentration today. Thoughts not totally gone of course. But quieter and more in the background. Noticed a few subtle shifts in concentration. Maybe 40 minutes in, there was a very pronounced and sudden onset of uniform tingling in the face and hands. Not so subtle!

There is normally a sense of something solid/stable in the center, like my vantage point from which I view/sense all other sensations. There was a loosening up of this sense of a stable thing in the center, sometimes seen as just more shifting and changing sensations, not solid and stable, after which I'd almost feel like I'm moving/bouncing around with attention, like I am located "there" wherever the sensation is that attention is currently noting/noticing. Sometimes it would "stabilize" again as though I'm back at the center point "here" watching "there". I watched this solid/stable sense of being at this center point, because it kind of bothered me that it felt so stable and permanent, so I watched and it would sort of "break up" sometimes into component sensations.

Very good, very relaxed, concentration very strong, very good sit. 

Feeling much better today off-cushion also. No getting overly irritated and annoyed.

Nice Ashley!! Youre logs are awesome, well written, good practice 

Thanks! I'm doing my best to recall more detail when I can.

Okay okay okay. Not such a good week. Sleep troubles, a little sprinkling of work stress, schedule disruptions, a bit of sadness, flat mood, tired of stuff, a bit frustrated, a tad overwhelmed. Once again just wanting everyone to leave me alone and stop needing me for a long while and just give me some peace and quiet for a long long time.

I also had a sudden inability to stay seated during meditation. I was having a hard time sitting more than 15-20 minutes and just wanted to go do other stuff. I thought maybe I just felt too uncomfortable on the cushion, physically and mentally, and I was just unwilling right now to experience it. But I think it's also that - if I feel that meditation is not going very well, like I'm very distracted, bad practice, etc... Then I feel unwilling to commit a whole hour to bad practice, feeling that it is a waste, I ought to spend that hour doing something else, and I should wait until I can do better at it. 

I just need to sit and practice anyway, let it be bad, if it turns out that way. One thing meditation has shown me is how stupid it is to have the mindset of "waiting for the perfect conditions". That shit ain't never gonna be perfect, things never really settle down, and if they do it's not for long, I will never "arrive", there is no "just get through this day, this week, this month, this whatever, and THEN everything will be all good!" 

Sometimes, I sleep bad, and feel sad, and feel unhealthy, and feel overwhelmed and busy. Sometimes, I sleep well, feel happy, feel healthy, and things go smoothly. Things change. Then they change again. Then they just go and keep on changing. And through it all I attempt to live and practice.

The last few days I have had some good sits again. Yesterday's sit in particular was surprisingly full of peace, much peace, lots of peace. Peace with everything! Good and bad. Relaxation, but not falling into trances. Very still. Good concentration. A few "falling asleep" head drops earlier in the sit because I was kind of tired, but I felt more alert later on and had some of those "brownout" kind of moments where things briefly fade or drop away but I remain alert, no head drops and not sleepy. Little to no restlessness.

I have also noticed that some of my reactive patterns seem to have gone *poof*! or, maybe they'll be back someday who knows. But I often notice long after something happened that essentially no internal reactions were triggered. Not indifference! Just not any of that unnecessary emotional reactivity, and believing thoughts, and suffering, which it turns out always just got in the way of simply "getting on" with things and handling/dealing with whatever just happened.

Other reactive patterns remain, and some of them feel so stubbornly entrenched I don't know if they'll ever go away. I wish I could make them go away.

I am also reading "Wake Up to Your Life" by Ken McLeod!

Sounds like you might have had the common experience of touching on EQ, life and maybe less time practicing causing a falling back into reobservation, and then finding EQ again.

One thing to consider: practice becomes really solid when you sort of secretly wish Reobs would happen so you could get a good look at it. In other words, "I don't mind having a sit where I want to get up after 15 minutes, because then I'll be able to really study my reactivity and know it so well that I won't get duped again!"   

Not something to be egotistical about, but rather more bravery plus respect for reobservation plus a lot of faith in yourself and your practice. 

Definitely keep consistent daily practice going.

Thank you, I will keep this in mind! Back to regular practice... maybe (I'll do my best!!)

5/26
Have been feeling bad for being so easily annoyed, frustrated with family this week, for wanting a break and some quiet...

1 hour sit today. I remember I sensed vastness. Sensations were clear enough... But it was like the sit itself and the direction of the sit felt very vague, like I wasn't going anywhere or progressing in any way.  I was not putting any pressure on the sit to go a certain way or for certain experiences to arise, and I wasn't judging this feeling of vague direction/progress as good or bad. It's just what the sit felt like.

More feeling kinda flat off cushion and some extra ill will off cushion. So, practicing letting these feelings and associated thoughts be as they are, letting the ill will be as it is without suppressing or trying to fix. Wow even after all this time though it is difficult not to want to try and fix or change the ill will in some way. I guess because it's 30+ years of habit.

5/27
1 hour sit.

5/28
40 minute sit. Really really long pauses between breaths for some reason, was very noticeable.

Feeling all the same familiar "problems" bothering me again. Feeling like everything in my life is just a huge time and energy suck, some days I struggle to get any meditation time, kids and work expand to fill every nook and cranny of my life, I thought I had it all figured out, funny to see I obviously did not.

When I get all worked up about stuff, I can see clearly it is the same old stories coming up again, I can see and feel clearly what happens if I believe the thoughts, and I can observe the reactions in the body and the mind. So, not exactly getting lost in it. Easier to be at a more mindful level, even while bothered or getting worked up. So, that's good, at least.

5/30
50 minute sit. In this sit I just felt... tired, tired, tired. Not sleepy tired - tired of applying techniques and methods, tired of using effort, tired of trying to get somewhere, tired of trying to achieve anything. I'm tired, tired, tired of it.

What I am not tired of, is sitting for meditation. That's all I want to do is, just sit. I just want to just. Sit. Nothing else, none of that effortful technique applying, none of that trying to get somewhere, none of that trying to achieve anything. None of that energy!! None!!! I don't even care what does or does not happen in a sit, I just want to sit. If nothing happens, fine. If things get crazy, fine. If things are calm, fine.

I actually feel a huge relief, after feeling all of that. It is okay to feel tired of stuff, it is okay to just sit. What feels right is just accepting that this is how things feel and how things look right now, tomorrow or next week they'll look some other way, and I'll accept that too, just the way it is. I can accept and work with exactly the way things are, right now. And that's good, because it's ALWAYS right now! haha.

I'm feeling more relaxed and less stressed about meditation practice. I want to relax the pressure I put on myself to get in enough practice time.

5/31
2 sits, each 45 minutes. Sits felt like forever. Took a long time to settle, weaker concentration. But at least in the last 10 minutes, actual good practice (noting without losing mindfulness).

6/2
Problems... it is like, at one moment, a "problem" is just totally non-existent, no thoughts or feelings about it whatsoever... Then the next moment, whammo blammo! The problem is completely reborn, all over again. Then the mind is busy with thinking about it and trying to figure out how to make it go away again. So I am seeing this happen.

Feeling mildly depressed again. For today's sit I was so sleepy that I did a combination of standing and walking to stay awake.

6/3
50 minute sit, 30 minute sit later, then 30 minutes before bed.

6/4
Two 30 minute sits today. Second sit much more relaxed with stronger concentration compared to recent sits. Feeling more aware and mindful off-cushion. Feeling particularly aware of my tendency to default to a pessimistic or sour attitude about certain things.

6/5
Lately I've been searching around to see what kind of meditation centers/Buddhist centers are around my area. And I happened to find that there is a small Buddhist temple for women only 5 minutes from my house, run by a thilashin trained in the Burmese tradition. Maybe one day I will go and check it out. It is free to visit and meditate and to speak with the nuns there.

I think I sat for 50 minutes today. Things are still feeling kind of vague, like I said in the beginning of this post, like direction/progress is not clear and I am not sure what things will even look like next day or week or month. I mean, the reobs-y stuff is obvious, maybe I'm just still floating around in that space mostly and hence the vagueness of direction/progress. It is alright.

6/6
45 minute sit in the morning, 50 minute sit in the afternoon.

Pretty much same. Noting, labeling if I need it, dropping labeling if I don't, and just feeling around for emotions, urges, but also noting sights, sounds, body sensations... In many recent sits, my attention has definitely wanted to hang out more with external sensations, but today's sit went a little more inward again. I could very clearly note urges, those quick, nearly instant, pre-verbal sensations, that come just before a narrative thought/subsequent story-making and associated sensations... I felt that this is the clearest and earliest I have ever noticed these urges.