Hi,

For three weeks almost exactly I have been in the so called Dark Night. The first week was not all too unpleasant but it was very confusing, the next two weeks have been more difficult. The biggest worry I have is that my mind isn't as sharp as before. I feel slow or even 'stupid'. Before I had the A&P I was doing some projects but I haven't even looked at the work the past three weeks. I have very low motivation for anything but I try to practice and it is by sheer force almost. Somedays I sit and those days are generally better. But the bad days are numbering up now. It feels at times I have in fact no idea whatsoever about what is going on. I know its not a normal depression, it feels all too different. But I am low on the bad days, really low. On the good days I'm ok but just ok.

Is this with the concentration/focus part normal in the Dark Night? I think Daniel mentions something about it in his book.

And aswell, it seems like a lot of negative things from the past are bubbling up. Things I had forgotten about as well as things that I still keep in mind. Would this be expected too?

Anyway, I am shaken and I feel I am somehow up for a very big challenge that suddenly popped out from nowhere (I didn't know about MCTB until after an A&P). I have hope and I have my resolution. I have been reading through the MCTB and doing the practices sort of from the start.

But sometimes, it feels overwhelming...

Would appreciate any input.

Dark night sucks as you are finding out and getting to Equanimity is the way out of it. The way out is the same as the way in -practicing with skill and diligence. If your skill has gone to crap...increase diligence. it doesn't seem like you can meditate worth a crap in the dark night but something is happening...you will notice it as you get closer to EQ. Keep pushing forward.
I did not know of MCTB when I passed the A&P and spent nearly 20 years in the dark night cycle. I'm getting out of the most current cycle of dark night and this week has totally sucked- depression city. I am nearing EQ and should be done soon with this cycle. I have to meditate twice a day to feel ok. Keep on keeping on is my advice...
Good luck,
~D

Hi Bob,

It is normal during the dissolution phase to have difficulty concentrating, dissolution marking the beginning of the difficult stages of insight, though it can at times be nice and almost fuzzy in a sleepy sort of way. The other stages are not marked by difficulty concentrating in my experience. It is very normal for certain stages along the path to bring up old issues. There are different ideas as to why this occurs. You might find it useful to bring somatic practices into the mix.

Bill

Dream Walker: I feel like I am in a bad place after three weeks of this. I can't imagine what it can be like after 20 years. I'm happy you are getting through it now despite the latest depression cycle. Could you tell me if you had any more A&P events after the first one 20 years ago?

And yes you are right, I need to keep on keeping on. Thanks and good luck to you too!

Bill: Thanks for the input. That should mean I am in the early stages of the DN still because I have serious problems with concentration and focus. I am by trade an engineer doing computer programming. I rely on my ability to concentrate and solve problems. I can say I have lost about 50-60% of my focus/concentration. If I read a book I have to keep repeating what I just read and in the end it just seems pointless. This is a huge problem for me but it has to be for every single one who go through it. So I am going to keep on, the coming months will be interesting.

But apart from the concentration lack of focus thing I have a hard time just going through daily life. But I have read through the Dark Night parts in the MCTB about the resolution. I understand that this is something I am going through and I need to keep myself balanced as to what it means, i.e not get swept away by it. But sometimes I just get swept away, it feels like my life is over, that everything I used to like and everything I used to do now seems pointless. It's like I have been dealt a death sentence and now I am walking around in death row waiting for everything to actually end. That is morbid, I know and I don't feel like that all the time but when it comes it comes with force and really fucks me up. I have been staying away from social events the past three weeks (afraid to make a fool out of myself). Been taking walks with some friends and gone exercising. I hit the gym 3-4 days a week and that helps a lot.

Yes, I have definitely experienced that at times. Experimenting with grounding emotions in the body and practicing metta to bring up concentration and bring more of a sense of fearlessness to practice might very well change things in a dramatic way if committed to. This "darkness" could also be laying the ground for new freedom, and so, it may be necessary in that sense.

I've been bouncing around the dark night for about two years now. Fun times!

When you sit down to meditate, don't worry about concentrating, don't worry about not being able to see sensations clearly. This is all perfectly normal-- it is the dark night's hallmark, I'd say. Just be with experience as it is happening-- confusion, pain, discomfort, fatigue, gently attend to all of it.

Allow there to be space around these sensations. Accept them. Every moment say to yourself "I accept this too." In fact, I've found it helpful to note using the lablel "This too."

This too, this too, this too.

When you get the sense that you are watching the sensations rather than being caught up in them, you are technically moving into low EQ territory. Stay with things every moment and the knot will untie, the fog will lift, and you will be left with emptiness dancing-- Equanimity.

Tally-ho!

I've had several A&P's but the first one was by far the most intense...total change in mental state, oneness with all things...perfection of everything unfolding as it should...Knowledge of fear and then misery is what clues me in to a new cycle usually but since third path what happens is body distortions during meditation tells me I'm in 1st jhana and starting a new cycle. Last one took a week to get thru...this one is taking a little longer.
This is good...I also take SAM-e for the depression. Been taking it for years...thru all the paths. It helps chop off the lowest of the lows...doesn't fix it, just makes it bearable. Exercise and vitamiins and good food, and enough sleep. Lots of meditation too.
Good luck to you...I've been thru this so many times I have no worries, but it still totally sucks....trust in the unfolding....the dukkha is doing what it is supposed to do....notice it and no-self and impermanence....Whatever you can notice is not you, not permanent, and does not satisfy. When things are good this is very easy to not see...right now it should be very clear.
Good luck,
~D

I really appreciate all the input, helps a lot so thank you all.

The feeling I have when I meditate now is a bit like when I started out. I guess part of the frustration comes from how easy it was just prior to and in the building up of the A&P. I have actually rarely felt that good and now... well anyway, I did read in the MCTB that one should keep on meditating even if it feels like "bad meditation" and it certainly feels like "bad meditation" now or in fact it feels worse than that, it feels like I am just barely entering the place that I had full access to just a few weeks back. Locked and left out and it is frustrating beyond words.

Dream Walker: I have an OK diet going but I will look up SAM-e. Also I have been looking at your posts lately, it is very inspiring what you are doing and the information you provide. Keep up the good work and good luck with your practice.

I'll keep this thread to update how it goes while I practice my way through this mess.

Hi again,

I have one more question. I have this very strange sensation in my head-area. I don't really know how to put it but since I entered the DN I have had this cotton wool feeling sensation in my head (much less thoughts). This is very apparent when I go running outside or go cycling at the gym, I just can seem to connect to me bodies energy. Sometimes when I cycle I don't know if I have any energy left and then I give it all and I have a lot, sometimes I have very little left. It feels like I have a worsened connectivity to my mental and bodily energy levels.

I know this might sound really bogus but has anyone else had this when in the DN.

Would appreciate it.

This happens to me and I know it well....Low Blood Sugar. Add protein to your diet to test this...I do whey protein every morning and sometimes eggs too. When I work out I still use up the blood sugar and feel the cotton/stupid/clumsy brain. I come home and have to eat immediately...some nuts helps a lot.
This may not be your problem but it is very easy to test on yourself...lower carbs and increase protein and see what happens. Do some planned snacks more often.
Good luck,
~D

@DW: Okay 'glad' someone else had this too. This is actually the hallmark for me – together with some 'pressure' on my head making me and my thoughts feel heavy. I have never had this or anything close to it before. Does it go away once you get to EQ?

Anyway, this week has been far better than the other weeks. I feel like I'm slowly getting back on track. I'll make a longer update by the end of April when I have more to say. But so far so good and thank you all for the support.

Yes it goes away in EQ as compared to now. I still notice low blood sugar in every stage of insite but DN seems to exacerbate the negative effects.
Good luck,
~D

thanks DW much appreciated.

A question on my practice. Pre A&P and joining the DhO I was doing concentration meditation. I was basically a newbie focusing on the breath and I became good at it – yet unsure about Jhanas but I think I attained the first, very unsure about the second. Anyway I had little to no knowledge on the 3C or anything else that is in the MCTB.

Since the event I have been reading through the MCTB and I feel like I have been 'dumped' somewhere in the middle of it. Should I, as I am in the DN now, try to get to EQ from here by noting or concentration meditation? Or should I go back and study the 3C and sort of do everything over again but do it by the book? Mind & Body etc.

What would your suggestion be?
My goal is to make the DN as short as possible

[ edit: problems with formulation and spelling – sign of DN? ;]

hi Bob,

Just a few suggestions.

In dark night, don't think about "good" or "bad" meditation. Just meditation. So its important to meditate and stick with it, which normally means keeping to a consistent meditation schedule, such as the same time every day. Do it no matter how pointless or unsuccessful it feels. Just see it as something you do, like brushing your teeth.

A lot of the anxiety in the DN is self-perpetuating.You think, ahh shit, I am in the dark night, this makes you anxious, and then the anxiety makes you anxious, and so on. Perhaps you find it hard to concentrate at work because you spend a lot of time thinking about the DN, meditation, and where you are now (at a guess).

So stop thinking so much about this shit! Take a step back, and try to go back to doing what you used to enjoy yourself. And enjoy yourself!

As to where to go from here, well, a tricky one. Why do you need to go anywhere? Life is just as it is. It's a cliche, but life is a journey. Enjoy the moment. I appreciate that isn't super helpful. But you aren't going to solve any problems overnight. Just meditate, take a step back, go to the gym, drink some wine, don't make practice and the dharma a big deal. And things will settle down over time. But they won't if you obsess about it!

also, these podcasts are pretty good - there is one on dukkha nanas which might be good to listen.
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.co.uk/p/hamilton-project-podcasts.html

Appreciate your suggestions Sawfoot. Listening to the podcasts now, interesting.

Yes your guess was right. I am more or less obsessing about this and mainly because my focus and concentration have taken a vacation somewhere. On one hand I am reading as much as I can and becoming familiar with the terminology and the maps and on the other all this new information is confusing me so your suggestions suits me well. Sometimes I sit with the breath, things feel fine and something just pops up in my mind like "you are not noting, you should note" and I loose ground.

Even though its been better the past few days I must admit I am scared beyond words by all this. I have strong willpower and my motivation is as high as it can be but I am being tested in a way I have never been before.

Once again, appreciate your response. Back again by end of April with hopefully good news. Take care everyone.

Stay with whatever you can in the moment...if it is breath then do breath and notice everything you can about the breath. If cruddy sensations come up notice them with as much clarity as you can.
If you keep getting lost in the content of your thoughts then noting can help.
Whatever sensations you can see clearly; every once in a while notice that the sensations are not you, don't last and do not satisfy. I would not go backwards....move forwards with whatever is happening...you will make progress even thought it does not feel like it.
Check your messages..
Good luck,
~D

@DW: Replied, thanks a lot!

Some advice I got about meditating in the dark night that I've found useful is "feel the strength drain from your body completely, then rise again". You'll probably have a lot of thoughts about your meditation being shoddy and you can just note this as "labeling, characterizing, rating etc." and move on to focusing on the sensory experience, if you can. I'm probably in low EQ territory now but I still feel aftershocks from the DN like strange vibrations on the cushion, especially in the head and neck areas. Disgust happens more in the chest and stomach for me, and is easier to work with since I can ground it by walking or dancing to repetitive beats.

The difficulty concentrating can also come from anxiety and insomnia, and I take extracts of the blue and white lotus flowers to deal with that, since panic/anxiety issues run in my family. Fear usually manifests as a full on panic attack, except I notice strong vibrations and kundalini like phenomena. The first time it happened I was blindsided, but now I know what to watch out for and can usually meditate through it; I found that devotional practice and some ritual magick, like calling up a strong image of a Green Tara in total silent darkness, was the only way I could get through that stage without taking rhino tranqs. Fortunately, your ability to concentrate will return as you move through Dissolution, and you'll be able to find something that works for you.