Today, I hurt and damaged somebody who held me in a position of trust. My non-mailicious, yet negligent actions caused someone a great deal of distress ... and their distress isn't over, it continues as we speak, and will continue into the foreseeable future all because of me.
It is like I accidently crushed a little baby puppy under the heel of my steel toe boots in front of its mother who happens to be my loyal and loving pet/best friend. The shrieking, painful cry of the puppy as well as the squeeling, desperate cries of the mother as the puppy is being mortally wounded ring in my ear. The mother looks up to me sobbing with desperation, confusion, and grief ... quickly turning to anger and hatred. I am evil to her now. I feel grief, pain, and horror at the sights and sounds of the baby puppy and its mother. I feel hated, inferior, and stupid. I see myself as a fuck-up of enormous proportions. I wish it would all go away.
That is what my situation is like right now. I fucked up major. My (non-malicious, yet negligent) actions hurt another human being something serious. I am hurting. I am hurting for this person because I know the pain they are feeling and my vanity is hurting because I always wanted to be looked at as a very kind and capable person ... whereas now I am viewed as a very evil, very mean and malicious person and/or an extremely stupid and inept individual.
Did Katrina feel bad when she took a big shit-storm on all those poor New Orleans people. No, she didn't feel a thing. She didn't care what kind of grief she was causing nor how angry people got at her. She was just going along her business in a non-malicious way ... yet the enormous pain her "going along" caused was overwhelming (to say the least) to many, many sensitive, feeling human beings.
Compassion and Vanity is one of the things keeping me from enjoying the fuck out of this moment right now and being free. Who said compassion is a virtue? The damn thing is poison to the individual who is feeling it. I feel like I've been poisoned. I feel sad and sick.
