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Elo stages of insight log
bipolar insight cycling map nerd cognitive heavy judaism integral theory
Answer
1/13/19 3:26 PM
Tags: Bipolar, Insight cycling, Map nerd, cognitive heavy, judaism, integral theory
Age: 25-30
Location: Sydney

Back story:  I have a hunch that I've been cycling since I was 12.  I don't remember and a&p event, but it could have easily been a dream or something that happened in my "imagination" back then.  Asking people from school about my bipolar tendencies seems to form agreement around me being like this a while.  I'm very lucky that my swings are mild and I don't have vices (except sex) or unhealthy vices.  Generally that means no drugs, no alcohol, no fights, no gambling, no criminal activity.

I always wanted to help people (although I have been investigating the "always" concept and it might have been given to me when I was under 5).

I have no strong trauma.  I have some family trouble that I'm working on, but other than that my content is pretty empty.

---------------------

Current Story: From the start of 2018 I had finally concluded that I was probably type 2 bipolar, I had also concluded that I was probably comorbid ADHD and I started investigating medication (rita, moda).  I fully intended to watch my cycle and document the pattern myself.

My cycle is about 14-16 days long and at the time I did not know I was in something of the stages of insight.

In June 2018 I went on a retreat (not a meditation retreat) and unlocked a lot of understanding.  Apparently I surprised the people running the retreat (2nd hand info) because I jumped up a bunch of levels. 

I came from the scientific rationalism direction and I was climbing up psychology and development trees of understanding.  I joke that I got so high up the trees that I fell off that side and came around the mysticism side.  I was quite fixed in my scientific mindset but I was gradually coming around to the curiosity in the other things out there.

I came back from that retreat and started a deep dive into researching meditation and the surrounding field.  Over the next 6 months I read and practiced some of:

Spirituality - Meditation
  • Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha 2 - Daniel Ingram (more than twice)
  • Touching Enlightenment: Finding Realisation In The Body - Reggie Ray
  • The Tibetan Book Of The Living And Dying- Robert Hilman
  • Pointing Out The Great Way - Daniel Brown (more than twice)
  • Altered Traits - Daniel Goleman, Richard Davidson
  • The Attention Revolution - Alan Wallace (twice)
  • Start Where You Are - Pema Chondron
  • Taking the leap - Pema Chondron
  • A Path With Heart - Jack Kornfield
  • Journey Without Goal - Chonyam Trungpa
  • Manual Of Insight - Mahasi Sayadaw
  • (Some) The Mind Illuminated (more than once)
  • The Power of Now - Eckhard Tolle
  • Tantra Illuminated
  • Big mind Big heart
  • Jewish Meditation - Aryeh kaplan
Spirituality - Wilbur
  • A Brief History Of Everything - Ken Wilbur
  • The Marriage Of Sense And Soul - Ken Wilbur
  • No Boundary - Ken Wilbur
Spirituality - Attention to Breathing
  • Pranayama The Vedic Science Of Breath.
  • The Yoga Of Breath - Richard Rosen
  • Demystifying Patanjali
  • The Science Of Pranayama
Spirituality - Other systems
  • On Having No Head - Douglas Harding
  • Freedom From The Known - Krishnamurti
  • Jew In The Lotus - Rodger Kamenetz
  • (Some) Gateless Gatecrashers
  • (Some) Holotropic Breathwork - Stanislav Grof
  • (Some)Vibrational Medicine
  • Art of Archery
  • Archetypes - Caroline Myss
  • Anatomy of the spirit - Caroline Myss
  • Why people don’t heal and how they can - Caroline Myss
  • (some) Sacred contracts - Caroline Myss
  • Internal manual of moving and healing (paper)
  • Falun Gong
  • (some) Ram Dass - be here now
Bipolar
  • An Unquiet Mind
  • The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You And Your Family Need To Know
  • Touched With Fire
  • Treating Bipolar Disorder: A Clinical Guide To Interpersonal Social Rhythm Therapy
  • Bipolar Awakening - Shaun Blackwell
2019 so far:
  • The places that scare you - Pema chondron
  • Anodea Judith - Eastern Body, Western Mind_ Psychology and the Chakra System As a Path to the Self  -Celestial Arts (2004)
  • Being and vibration
  • Integral psychology - Ken Wilbur
  • Integral Spirituality (some)
Systems to investigate next:
  • Kundalini
  • more movement forms
  • gestalt therapy
  • narrative therapy
  • more integral
  • crystals n shit
  • tantra (more research needed)
------------------------------------

Brags:

I need to reread TMI and check where I am up to in his system.

I am up to stage 8 out of 9 in "The attention revolution", The mind is calm like an ocean with no waves. (from the table at the back of the book).  Actually I might be below that.  Call it 7.5 "The mind is calm like a lake but still with a few waves".  Stage seven being "the mind is like a river through a valley".

My concentration is strong enough that I usually don't need to blink.  

My mindfulness and presence is clear enough that I know when I think of a friend, knowing that they have not popped into my head for weeks, and proceed to be curious when they get in touch within a few hours.

My thought stream does not carry on and ruminate, I know where thoughts come from (to an approximation).

I am in my body, feeling the internal systems.  I collected the chakra system because I needed a framework to understand some of the internal feelings.

I make very good friends, very fast.  

I have the eyes that shock/draw people into presence.

I think I'm 2nd or 3rd path.

I'm always present.  Or aware of my distraction nature.  

---------
I'm working on meta-awareness of my current state.  I'm hoping to be able to control my next cycle of insight.

I could do with more concentration.  My insight machine needs work.  

I'm thinking of going on a pointing out retreat (pointing out the great way).  I have very little retreat experience.  I can definitely meditate for hours on my own without a problem.  I recently had a friend come back from a vipassena and call it "mortal boredom" so that might be off my list for a while (indecisive right now)

I'm looking for hints of what to clean up when heading towards 3rd/4th path.

I'm interested in the personal development angle, I'm interested in the enlightenment, and I'm interested in the fluid freedom to be what I need to be to make the most of any moment.

between the triad of Cognitive, body-based and emotional (or spirit) systems, I recognise my habits as being heavily cognitive focussed.  I'm trying to focus on body/emotional systems because I feel like my cognitive is miles ahead and the other's need to catch up.

Every time I meditate I feel my consciousness changing.

--------------------------

This log is going to document my stages of insight cycling.

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must hit publish or I will keep rambling.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/16/19 9:01 AM as a reply to E Red.
Hi E Red, wellcome to Dharma Overground forums! Glad to have you here emoticon

Nice to see you have deep insights and you having benefits of it in daily basis!

I would like to ask you some questions to go more deep and know more!

· Can you descrive your daily meditation practice? 
· What type of insight technique/style are you more established?
· How was your frist/second path experience?

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/14/19 6:04 AM as a reply to Jordi.
Hi Red, great to read about your experience.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/22/19 12:00 PM as a reply to Jordi.
  1. · Can you descrive your daily meditation practice? 
  2. · What type of insight technique/style are you more established?
  3. · How was your frist/second path experience?

1. I just found something new.  (here is my growing spiritual super list, of things I've investigated so far) https://www.leadershipembodiment.com/about-us/ - wendy palmer (a touch of grace) and her book Leadership embodiment training https://vimeo.com/dermalogica/review/139033602/66d50684af

I meditated up to about 5hrs a day (lying down like a dumbass) and ended up lethargic.  Then I talked to a friend and realised I was being dumb and took a week off to do a social holiday.  I noticed I was dynamic, energised and alive when I was social.  In contrast there's no question of methods.  I'm going to do the presence methods socially and not the cushion methods.  Above links is a constant broad present awareness.

Those methods included cognitive thought stream stuff, body scan, breath, present moment and on the tail end of those - big mind, chakra sound healing style attention.

I did a bit of candle work too, just to try it.  A pinch of yoga, walking, running, dance form...


Yesterday I did an all day presence, with a few minutes of chakra sounds at the end of the day to tidy up those "micro traumas" from social experience.  This will last as long as it takes until I feel I've integrated it.

----------------

2. nothing.  I joke with my friends who do vipassena (one who's done 10, one who's done 1, one who's done 3) in that I can kick the butt of the 1or10 person with concentration, insight and growth, and the 3guy is epic and kicks my butt.

I recently took myself through "eastern body, western mind" a chakra book and I use it as a map for body based awareness.  I had a 4th chakra thing that needed healing.

I feel like I have above average body based awareness for my length of practice.  I'm a brainiac so I need less cognitive work, it just comes to me.  I'm working with emotional methods because that's what I need to balance.  

Also Integral theory, "integral spirituality" is a great book to manage the cognitive mind and the subtle mind.

------------

3. 1st/2nd path.  I think I'm in 2nd path.  Or I was - somewhere between 2/3

1st path, seems to have accidentally happenend a while ago.  No idea what happened there or when.

2nd path happenend all over the place in the last 10-15 years.  Recently I don't know what happenend and if I got to 3rd or I've just been living all over 2nd path.

seems like for the last week or two I stopped cycling.  I had a cycle that was very mild, in the flavour of vibrations, and I dug into it and then it sorta petered out near the end at EQ and I haven't cycled since.

Not sure if I will cycle in winter again (summer in AU right now) (As I said bipolar, and seasonal, always worse in winter).  Waiting to find out.

Apologies, wish I could offer more.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/22/19 12:11 PM as a reply to Jordi.
This log is going to document my stages of insight cycling.

Life has other plans.  The day after I posted, things went EQ, then spiritual and floaty.  I kinda like that one so I figured I wouldn't dig into it and pull it apart.  As posted in the response above, I found a new practice and I seem to be holding (on purpose) a broadness of awareness practice.  There's plenty of details in body based awareness, environmental awareness, awareness of the people around me to focus on and it's keeping me easily stimulated and in the present moment.  I feel like I'm floaty and airy because I'm holding a broadness of present attention and intention, lots of "I don't know" and (historically I put in a lot of work) trying to get comfortable with not knowing what I'm doing with my life, now I'm legit comfortable to float.  Which is keeping me well and happy.

I was cycling stages of insight every two weeks but now I don't know.  Maybe I find out in two weeks, maybe this sticks. 

I notice I'm breathing more and keeping my oxygenation up, which is keeping me floaty, which is keeping me able to juggle all the balls of awareness that I'm trying to hold.  It's interesting because I historically didn't trust floating because it felt like I would be detached and that would be unsafe and at risk of self delusion.  So far this week I've done epically at not being deluded.  

I feel like the more crazy I integrate the less crazy I actually am.  The happier I am to be any of sane and insane the more my mind is free.

I might have accidentally 4th path?  With a dropping away of clinging to other things.  I don't think I'm done, I think I've got some more cleaning up to do.

I also note that I'm now relating to myself as defined by the insides of what other people's heads tell me how to fit into their experiential states of being.  Vague description but that's fine.  It feels like the boundary of my self is now, not "my skin" but, "the way people observe me to be" and I can bring up emotional states to fulfil the goals I have.  like I'm coming around underneath the emotions to cause the goals I want to cause.  Which themselves are vague because I had a falling away of what I wanted.

If I ask myself "what do I want?", I would answer either, (in the last few months) "I don't know" or (now) "I know".  Neither of which help me plan but I suspect that's fine.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/22/19 12:58 PM as a reply to Jordi.
· How was your frist/second path experience?
gonna answer this better because I can.

http://www.palikanon.com/english/wtb/s_t/samyojana.htm
  • (1) personality-belief (sakkāya-ditthi)
  • (2) sceptical doubt (vicikicchā)
  • (3) clinging to mere rules and ritual (sīlabbata-parāmāsa; s. upādāna)
  • (4) sensuous craving (kāma-rāga)
  • (5) ill-will (vyāpāda)
  • (6) craving for fine-material existence (rūpa-rāga)
  • (7) craving for immaterial existence (arūpa-rāga)
  • (8) conceit (māna)
  • (9) restlessness (uddhacca)
  • (10) ignorance (avijjā)
  1. sensuous craving,
  2. ill-will,
  3. conceit,
  4. wrong views,
  5. sceptical doubt,
  6. clinging to mere rules and ritual,
  7. craving for existence,
  8. envy,
  9. stinginess,
  10. ignorance.
1st - 1-3, 
2nd - 3/4/5
3rd 1-5
4th - 5-10
-----------
from the first set, 1 has been weird from when I was... 12ish.  3 has been around for all my life in judaism, you are encouraged to question everything so that's been a ground force.  only in the last few years did I find my (2) and realise I was the jerk for the skeptical doubt and I gently pushed my skeptical doubt to skeptical curiosity.

------
4 - of late (last year or two), specifically around food because it's a good example, someone recently asked me what my favourite food was and I realised I don't have one any more.  I will kinda eat anything and be fine with that.  It's a dropping of clinging desire and it crosses to other domains too.

5. yeah, this has been in the last 6 months, particularly with emotional methods.  I'm not sure I'm complete here but I can feel in to what it feels on the inside of any emotion and I don't wish ill on anyone right now.  Needs more time to be sure that it doesn't come back.

6. like 4, seem close to each other.

7. I read MCTB2 and it described states as states and not it.  I noticed 5/6th jhana had those uncomfortable feelings to them when they get annoying and I haven't been back to the jhanas in a while.  I agree with MCTB2 that states are just states.  So in that sense I intellectually decided it and I don't seem to have any s1/body based desire to go there.  

8. not sure

9. yeah, I fixed anything like ADHD (which I definitely fooled a psych into thinking I had a year ago) when I started managing vividness and dullness and awareness to distraction.  I have no restlessness.  Yesterday I noticed my elevated heart rate while in a conversation with 8 people.  feels like it was about struggling to manage all the energies, I was calm and had to mention it to people because they didn't notice it in me because I didn't move with it.  pretty sure that this is done.

10. I am not sure about this one.  I doubt myself a bit still because I have too much confidence in my ability to delude myself.  Need time to convince myself that I'm not deluding myself.

------
2nd set:

1. done - see 4/6 above
2. see 5 above.
3. unsure what they mean
4. yeah, this clicked finally with an "oh that's what they mean".  very "happy" about it now.
5. as per 2 above
6. as per 3 above
7. not sure.  I feel like I could be comfortable existing or not existing.  need to feel about this a bit more.
8. as per 5 above.
9. working on it.  not done yet. definitely thoughts like, "it's not mine anyway" and "why would I hoard" help to free me.  I'm cautious about this still.
10. not sure how to conceptualise this other than 10 above.


---
note: not quite done with conceit.  I'm fine with it in this present moment but it might come back.  watching.  just watching now.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/30/19 2:30 PM as a reply to E Red.
I'd say I'm cycling but it's different.

Things feel weird and doomy. Kinda like a dissolution but I can't find it. So instead of staying doomy I'm excited to find out what's going on.

Like "oooh is that the doom? Nope. Ooh how about that? Nope. Cool well gotta keep looking for it." *shrug*

Let's see where this goes. 

I'm operating on self inquiry a lot. That's good. 

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/31/19 9:24 AM as a reply to E Red.
Life has other plans.
Thematic.  After 7 days of basically holding myself at "life is amazing", I woke up one day and some of the practices that I picked up were no longer happening in an intutuive way.  I seem to have diverged into a new way.
  • Full acceptance of the present held at a duality of "what more is possible?"  
The question always changes.  I found the mantra, "Is this how I choose to show up?".  And I've been playing with that and many more in the moment.  Feels like a full embodiment of the insight style.  If I contemplate stages of development (susan cook greuder), I feel like I hit a bit of unitive stage?  Pretty nifty.  I don't stay up there, I drift in and out.  Feels closer to fully integrated living in non-dual collective experience.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
1/31/19 1:40 PM as a reply to E Red.
Today is misery (I don't need to repeat the stages of insight here) only this is the first pass at this level.

I trust myself so much and I would usually meditate to find acceptance of "what is".  When I go to do that, there is no misery. It just kinda feels like it might be as if I'm in a reobservation experience of misery.  It's present until I check and then it's empty of experience. As a consequence the next self inquiry becomes, "okay now what will I do?" and with open intention I can do anything I like. 

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
2/13/19 6:57 PM as a reply to E Red.
okay.  Something the fuck just happenend.

A bit wordless and fucking terrifying and I barely know what it was.

I was letting my mind float. I found a particularly good technique for freely giving my mind space to travel.  And I don't really know what I was tracking but I was looking at something and it was insightful and deep.

I feel like the topic was another "ground belief of reality" but I'm going to pretend it's this one.

It's like I was exploring the belief of what the planets are. And my belief stated, from when I was 0-5 or so, "this outer space shit is complicated, let's just model it as a flat painting, that will do for now". And I was floating past with an insightful mind and I was thinking, "oh cool that's a neat belief"

And then I went "I see what I did there, smart move, but that's not quite accurate. Reality is actually 3d." and clearly I was sitting in some deep part of my mind because that was enough for the map to go "whoomph".

And suddenly become 3d.

And I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk. I was suddenly stuck trapped in between a shifting map.

Terrifying if I could not know what was happening. In that moment I didn't know. I was all kinds of shock and taken by the inability to do anything. Also body paralysis except for a little bit of movement. I couldn't hear..

20 seconds later the barriers relieved and I could do all those things again but holy fuck what.

I don't know if it was literally my conception of the planets or if I was looking at my own nature or human nature or something but basically I just corrected a very low level incorrect belief.

Feels like my body is pumped with adrenaline from the minor freak out,

And I wonder if I now have some kind of new dimension of understanding to play with, on some deep level of my mind.

"oh I have a new axis of understanding to store information on"

???

Time will tell

I have no idea what I was looking at, and part of me is so wired that there's no way I can find out what it was if I try this evening.

I don't know if it was heavily symbolic or if "it" fell out of my brain at the moment of the experience.

Right now things feel sharp. Remarkably sharp. Might be the endorphins but it feels like I have more space to work in.

I'd call it an extra dimension of thought but those words mean nothing and it's a feeling that everything is different from before.

And I don't really know how.

RE: Elo stages of insight log
Answer
3/24/19 3:19 PM as a reply to E Red.
Time for an new log.  Where am I now?

I shifted to stronger embodiment.  Reggie A Ray - Touching enlightenment with the body.  Excellent book.  I've been working on an integration of all of my body.  That means maintaining an internal sense of "knowing" my heart rate, my body temperature, my blood pressure, my breath.  That means "being with the body" as I speak.  

I picked up a chakra model and I have something in my 3rd chakra in terms of how I relate to other people.  It feels like I have a model that does not alway assume kindness.  I'm not sure what to replace my mental model with but it seems to be leading me astray for now.  I need to explore more to find a better way.

I spent a week not practicing and felt myself float down to "human form", and then I headed back into "magic feeling territory".  It's much nicer with a bit of magic.  A world I would rather live in.  (magic is not delusion, it's specifically, everything feels happier, hopeful, gentle)  With a bit of magic I get to feel like the "stuff" in the world is not my stuff, but the stuff of the rest of the world.

And on it goes.