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experience time after psychedelics

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experience time after psychedelics
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2/5/19 2:16 PM
The target of this thread is to understand the experiences I had, and NOT to promote drugs or do apology of them. I relate some drug experience with the only intention to give a context to the experiences I want to ask for a diagnosis.

In my adolescence, I sailed through many spiritual beliefs, and I did a bit of soft meditating practice. I read something about Buddhism, but at that time I understood it like a spiritual suicide and I left reading about it. I read about the seven hermetic principles, about alchemical transmutation, some new age stuff. I looked for understanding the nature of the world and the being in a metaphysical way rather than in a practical/direct comprehension/realization way. Years later, maybe for the lack of practice and insight, I felt stuck and I thought that all were lies and no one knows nothing.
Then, years later, my brother, who is into the psychedelics world, suggested me that maybe psychedelics mushrooms could push me out of that blockage. I tried them and was terrifying for me. When on the trip, I felt like a robot, a product of the world for the world. I felt like if all beings were lost in an agonic always-loose fight against suffering and fate. Maybe it seems like it is an easy conclusion, but that sensation was not rational thinking, but a direct view, a sensation from the guts and not from the head. I thought the universe was more like torture machinery, or hell. I felt overwhelmed by lots of thoughts, very abstracts some of them that I couldn't understand, and I was not really able to be sure what I was thinking.
The next day I felt tranquil and lighter, maybe because the thoughts storm passed, but that tranquility didn't last too much. I constantly felt a weirdness about the world; and I felt myself, my family, my friends, and every being in danger (mini dark night?), and I began to read another time, looking for some path or some knowledge that could save me from that danger. I read a lot of NDE experiences too.

I felt another time stuck and I tried with a marihuana tincture of my brother and mantra meditation. I swallowed a shot of that tincture, and I began to chant "mmmm" and to feel the vibrations of the sound in my body. At the passing of the minutes, the vibrations were getting wider and more evident/easy to feel, every minute that passed, more strong the vibrations.
Then it came the first weird experience: The black space in front of me (I was with closed eyes) "cracked", and the crack was of a black, blackest than every black I ever saw. Immediately I felt terror, stopped meditating, stood up frightened with a quasi-jump and went out of my room and gone with my brother (A&P experience?). Then I felt more anxious in my daily life, with that weird-danger feeling and looking for answers (more dark night taste?). I read something of Ouspensky-Gurdjíeff about a "fourth path", something about Gnosticism and about a Sophia myth, something about duality and non-duality, and my mind had thoughts very quickly, a lot of times I just couldn't follow those thoughts. When I tried to be conscious of a thought, the thought just passed and a new one came (mental A&P?).

This "storm-thoughts" was stronger at night. At night I had very weird unpleasant feelings and thoughts I couldn't really identify, and those feelings made me feel in danger. Until one night when I had what I, at that moment, consider that was the bigger and weird experience I have had. I was at night thinking about duality, and my mind began to run more and more quickly, at sometimes I had the sensation that I was very near to a conclusion, but then that conclusion prevented to get caught, like if I tried to pick a bar of soap and it slid from my hands. I was between vigil and asleep when I felt I was becoming mad when suddenly I felt my mind got broken and abruptly stopped thinking and felt my mind very clear, my body got relaxed and I release my head, it turned to the right and I saw the wall of my room, I felt VERY euphoric and powerfull, and I began to laugh (not with my body, that was quiet, but I felt still and doing some guttural-laughing at the same time), the laugh was like happy and euphoric, with a feeling that everything was perfect and alright. I was seeing the wall with my physical eyes, but I had the feeling like I was seeing everything, the whole thing, in front of me in a zero-dimensional point. Then came to my mind the question: "I had arrived at some spiritual goal?" And then I had the thought: "Even this feeling is fantastic, marvelous, incredible...(lots of goods adjectives), it continues being just a feeling, then there is no transcendence in all this". Then that euphoria passed and I felt normal, but then I felt like water entering from out of my body to my head and flowing down through my backbone, and as my backbone was getting filled with water from the base of my backbone to my head (the water was flowing from my head to the base of my backbone, but the backbone was filled from the base to the head), and as I felt the fill from down to up, I felt at the same time orgasmic pleasure from the base of my backbone to my head. That pleasure lasted about a minute, and then I fell asleep. The next day I felt very well and weight light without the physical pains I normally had, like if the back contractures I usually had that time disappeared. But that well-being sensation ceased after a few days. Since that day I haven't had that "storm-thoughts" sensation again, and the weirdness sensation about the world and the feeling of danger had been much reduced.

Then I continued reading, and found some literature about sunyata, about the difference about anatta ("this is not my soul") and natthatta ("there is no soul") and about why Buddhism is neither nihilism nor a spiritual suicide. Then I had a renewed interest in Buddhism, but I found very devotional ways with infinite preliminaries faith-like practices and I didn't felt very related to them. I was doubtful about all this, then I knew about Daniel Ingram,  MCTB2 (that is my current lecture), DhO, and found a community of meditators without taboo of talking about the path, experiences, and their achievements; also maps and frameworks and now I feel I have found the path I must follow.
The main experiences I am interested in know more about them, are, if you excuse the names, the "terrifying black-crack" (under marihuana effects), and the "bodily-relaxed--clear-minded--euphoric-and-powerfull-feeling--point-omniscience/water-through-backbone-orgasm" (without any drug effect, months later from the first experience). I read that the 99% of the "WOW" experiences are A&P related, and this is what I expect of mines, but I wonder if anyone can give me more details about them.

RE: experience time after psychedelics
Answer
2/6/19 7:44 AM as a reply to Oliver.
I’m but a newbie, so don’t reed too much into my advice as I may be wrong, but what you describe as the euforic experience with your spine being filled up from the bottom and to the head and then water flowing down again, round and round, sounds very much as a Kundalini experience to me, that is, A&P. It is possible to go through A&P many times. The vibrations that you mentioned are common in the dukkha nanas that follow after having crossed A&P. The terror you described when your black screen cracked sounds like it could belong to one of the dukkha nanas that is called fear, but maybe it was just a bad trip? I have no experience with drugs myself, except for alcohol, so I don’t know much about that. Anyway, according to MCTB2, the vibrations during fear are strong and slow like a shamanic drum. I think that description is very to the point. I have felt that as well. So if you felt terror and anxiety and experienced that kind of vibrations at the same time period, it seems likely that you were in the stage of fear. You seem to be a seaker and as such it is possible that you have been cycling around the dukkha nanas for a while after some peak experience.

RE: experience time after psychedelics
Answer
2/8/19 5:06 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Thanks for the clarification. I've read about the dukkha ñanas but I'm still doubtful about having reached those stages. When I read the symptoms I identify them as lived ones, but superficially, like having been in those stages but not deeply, or with some good days and some bad days while being in those stages.I think that the important point from here is not to give to much value to those experiences (meaning to not get obsessed) and do more practice. I'm thinking about going to a (my first) 10 days Goenka retreat.