I've been practicing for many years, mostly Vipassana and Zen. I have times of ecstasy. There are times when I consider myself enlightened, but I know it is only temporary. I also have very difficult and dark times, and when I practice more, I have more of the difficult and dark times. I sometimes have intense anxiety. Sometimes intense despair.

When I am in the ecstatic, clear, enlightened state, I have no complaints. Life is wonderful. When I am in the dark state, I wonder if I am doing something wrong, or if perhaps I have some basic mental instability that is not being helped with practice, or even made worse with practice.

Does this make me a Dark Night Yogi?

I am currently experiencing lots of anxiety. I have been a fearful anxious person all my life. My mother told me she noticed that in me very early. I am now 60. I have learned to live with and deal with the anxiety and I have long periods of relative freedom from it, but when it kicks in it sure is hard.

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

One other detail. I have been practicing more recently. For the last 3 weeks I have been going to a local Vedanta temple 6 days a week and meditating 2-5 hours every afternoon. There have been some wonderful experiences. Deep calm. Opening. No Self type stuff. But also these periods of intense anxiety.

it does seem likely.

what do you want to do about it? what makes sense to you right now?

tarin

Right now I want to stop feeling bad. I am going to take a day off from practice, hang out with friends, read a book that has nothing to do with Buddhism, watch a video.

I have been told by teachers in the past to just be aware of the bad feelings. I don't want to do that. I don't have faith that it leads to anything good. Eventually the bad feelings pass, but I can't see any pattern about them passing any faster if I pay attention to them or pay attention to something else.

It's possible they will neither pass faster, nor become less frequent, but instead perhaps you could arrive at a place where they don't carry the weight of dread they carry now and they are just much less exciting and overwhelming. You said yourself anxiety type thoughts have been part of your life for a long time. Part of your nature since childhood.



Another thought, like "feeding the trolls" on an internet forum, engaging with them only makes them more enthusiastic. Some things aren't easily beaten by a confrontational attitude. A favorite quote I recall swimming in my head at many challenging places in my practice: "resistance is useless!"

Sympathies, though. Sounds very painful. If the teachers at the center you go to so often don't have useful advice, perhaps try a different place. If they have useful advice but you can't apply it, then that's a hard road.

If you want to feel good now, there are many options, obviously. Some of the meditative ones are Brahma Viharas done at the level of jhana, and just good old samatha jhanas themselves.

I sent this to someone recently who was having a hard time, and I thought I would repost it here:

"Desire, anticipation, expectation, doubt, fear, wonder, speculation, and the other reactions to those things, meaning repression, guilt, frustration and the rest are absolutely and completely normal and actually not the problem at all and instead ARE THE SOLUTION in a way: simply allow them to arise and see their true nature, Three Characteristics, etc. They clearly contain the suffering that you wish to see clearly, so embrace them as best you can: this is a subtle business and takes practice, but allowing them again and again just to show their true nature, their impermanence, the keys to seeing the suffering of misperception directly, their happening completely on their own (notice that you can't stop them), all are excellent opportunities for insight: remind yourself this again and again. It is NOT about those thing not happening: real Equanimity is ok with any of those and bomb proof and can take it, so go ahead and adopt that attitude and welcome them, delighting in the fact that, from that point of view, they make it so easy, as they so clearly are full of suffering, out of your control and arise and vanish.

This could be exactly that easy. Be your human, expectation and frustration driven self, but really see all of that just as it is! This is the way the insight game is played. When you get better, notice the fact that these things are part of fluxing attention space and attention is the same as those things: that can come later, so just start with the first point above about 1000 times more than you think you should have to (luckily you can do this ever second, so 1000 isn't so many, really)."

However, at your current place in the cycles of things, that advice may not resonate with you, so sometimes returning to whatever normal, ordinary things you were doing to see how they work for you is of value, as we investigate for ourselves what leads to happiness and what to something else.

One way or the other, I do submit that more clarity helps and more stability of mind helps and more seeing how things really are helps, as in the room you are sitting in the problems are probably quite small when you consider that space, and if you can actually find what the problem actually is in that space, you will know something of real value.

Right here, right now, as you read this, is there really some big problem? Are these ordinary sensations really so hard to just see as they are? Is not seeing your thoughts and whatever subtle feelings of unease are presenting now clearly really going to help?

See what works for you, but if you are interested in various meditative solutions, both temporary in the concentration states and more lasting in various attainments, they are waiting to be discovered.

Daniel

I was just having a really hard time yesterday, lots of intense annoyance, frustration, and some despair.. I think this advice can help me for next time this happens, thanks! I kind of knew it already.. that I should just embrace the feelings and observe them.. but it's so difficult when in the midst of them. I could hardly sit to meditate at all.

What's funny is that in the midst of all the mental pain and such I think I got to 1st jhana.. My body started feeling really good anyway. I didn't think it was possible with such a distracted mind, though.. it kind of did take the edge off of the feelings, but they came back as soon as I left the jhana cause a particular train of thought captured me and I got distracted.

I feel fine now. While rollerblading about 20 minutes ago, within a space of 10 seconds or so all the negativity lifted in a very palpable fashion, though not cause of anything I did. it was almost like a drug was starting to take effect. so I feel alright now! but i probably won't later.

Just wanted to add - I feel this exact way now. I've taken to labeling the two states "good mood" and "bad mood." In the good mood I feel better than i usually have. In the bad mood the slightest annoyance will send me into an inner rage (I don't show it outwardly, not yet anyway =). I also wonder if i've developed bipolar or something. And yeah I'm also practicing more than I have been before.. not a lot, like 30-50 mins a day, but a few months ago I would do 20 mins every other day or so.

And like your anxiety perhaps, these are things which would always annoy me even years before; they just seem amplified now.

My two cents:

When you feel these states coming on, or persisting, allow your stomach to become empty (not hungry per se, but emptied, evacuated).

Then, when getting hungry, eat a simple soup (i.e., beets, collard, kale, some protein (animal/grilled tofu), anise, tarragon, salt, carrots, parsnip, turnip, grilled garlic, a little lime, add cilantro last to wilt) and, after the soup, have a little probiotic yogurt (soy/dairy/cocunut base, as you like, preferably plain or with nuts and honey). Eat like this for a weekend or more, if you like; just make sure to have good evacuations.

A bit later do simple, but sustained stretches (nothing that feels unbalanced or straining) - just gentle stretches for the hamstrings, lats, glutes, all over - any position you can comfortably, actively, lightly 'open' for 1-3 minutes, without any sense of strain or discomfort. Do that for 15-20 minutes/however long you like.

Take an easy walk outside/get fresh air for a few minutes. Do that for 15-20 minutes/however long you like.

Consider the advice/trail-markers provided by other people in up-threads, and sit comfortably for meditation.