About my recent story

I've been on a two week holiday, and while I've not been practicing a lot, I have been doing a lot of noting, relaxing, etc.

One thing that happened was that after two days, with a lot of time with nothing to do (I did do a lot of reading), I reached AP (arising and passing away).
It was pretty different from others APs (maybe because I was on a holiday and not a retreat).

It was really delightful and joyful, but what really impressed me was that I was able to "solidify" stories and visualizations in a way that I couldn't before.
I could lay in bed, create a visualization world based on an idea, and add lots of things, refining it, detail by detail.
Of course, I did a lot of noting of the whole thing.

I definitely couldn't do this before, maybe because visualizations and thoughts were interrupted by body sensations.
After the last shift (that clearly remains by the way), body sensations have completely detached somehow from "awareness". It seemed like some kind of "fog" has dissappeared.

Another thing that happened is that, some days after, while lying in bed before going to sleep, I decided to meditate.
I started noticing the breath, and then started cycling, stage after stage up to equanimity. There I resolved to attain a fruition. It didn't happen. The mind went to some "nothingness" state.
So, I tried again, this time, concentrating to the first jhana and moving up to fourth. Some kind of relaxing happened and then, nothing (my guess is near miss).
Long story short, I kept trying (I don't know for how long, maybe 15 minutes but they seemed a lot more, like an hour) and after some time the mind relaxed without shifting and then boom, fruition (discontinuity) and afterglow. I opened my eyes and checked the afterglow to be sure, and then went to sleep.

This fruition was different that the ones after the shift in the retreat. Those ones were like a natural continuation of EQ and pretty effortless. This felt more like a lot of work (a LOT more).

Finally, another thing to report is that I had an spectacular AP a few days ago.
Things were really bright and colorful, attention really tuned to joyful details. Also it was more "spaceful" and relaxed that others AP.
My memory is not that good, but I don't remember having an AP so "enjoyable".

So, I claim AP of the new path (and a new ability to create visualization mental "worlds" out of thin air) and attaining a fruition, not on retreat and with little setup.

It may not seem like much of a claim, but I've been trying to get a fruition in daily life for a long time. And the visualization thing was really impressive for me.

That said, I haven't been trying so hard to get a fruition or cycle. These days I tend to let things flow (which sometimes looks like indifference to everything and is clearly not a good thing). I'm also about to finish reading mctb2.

About my practice, what I usually try to do is:

- Trying to relax and feel some compassion for whatever my mind is doing to create the illusion of duality all the time (to the point of altering all my reality that way). Trying to notice the "effort" of the whole thing. Also trying to push or at least try the idea that it can be done, that while difficult it can be done and should be done.

- Trying to find and notice what solidity, continuity, refuge, self and other things are left in sensations, intentions, etc.

Basically, this two, done fast, really fast. Naturally, some curiosity of what is there, what is really going on, happens.

My guess is that when the mind speeds up, as I'm in AP, if I keep doing it, I'll cross the AP event.
This is a low AP (the first AP in the cycle), but still, something is something .

These days I've been practicing in a way that I couldn't do before.

Basically, the more I meditate, the more I realize that I'm not "one person or agent", I'm many.
Lots of things happen when I'm quiet, a lot of processes, each with it's own agenda.

Of course, all of them are motivated with compassion (mostly for myself). Examples:

- All the time there is tension trying to be released in the posture.
- All the time the mind creates images or the attention switches to sensations to avoid the lack of experience.
- There are many agents that want to tone out of everything, others that want to tune into pleasant sensations and others that want to solve or avoid pain.
- There are power struggles for "control" or "identification". Like sensations that "want to be me".

If I'm really quiet and the mind is fast, I can see how sensations, visualizations of them (that happen a second after the sensation itself) distorting space, group together and somehow claim to be me.
They do have a point, because the visualization, all the things they group together do come from a lot of processes. So many that, together, they comprise all my experience.

At some point, if I keep noticing fast, agency doesn't dissolve, but it begins to "move", mostly following where sensations are.
Also, I can feel how my memories, my ideas of who I am and how the word is, "paint" the visualizations of the sensations. When I say "visualizations" it's not always visual, but it always involve space.

If I keep speeding up, some kind of identity crisis occur. Like "no one is in control" panic.
In fact, more and more I realize that no one ever was in control, control always shifted between agents.
Like suddenly I realize that the world (and myself) are very different from what I think.

"Agents" is in fact not so accurate.
Its a group of impulses, given form by visualizations or impressions, to create some kind of a dreamlike idea.
The creation of this "agents" or ideas is done by grouping things by some kind of similarity with memories.
Memories keep regrouping to shift my identity.
There are implications for this (I'll detail them in a next post).

Example: A pleasant memory arises and it groups pleasant impression of sensations, then some focus or natural concentration occur (because of grasping), blocking other sensations. Because of concetration, some "stillness" develops (which is also pleasant). Then the "pleasant" thing expands to all reality.
At some point, the mind looks for ways for keeping the pleasant thing, things that worked in the past.
Also, some kind of "proud" happens, like "I can do this", "wow". Also some fear for dropping it.

I'm not talking here about all this happening in minutes, but seconds.

In any case, it's very different from "stable" APs in the past, where things moved on their own, but there was some stable "agent" noticing everything. Even when the "stable agent noticing everything" dissapeared, some fog was creating some stillness. Also, there weren't insights about how all reality was being shaped by that "stillness".

The fog didn't allow to dissect between sensations and impressions and the grouping of them distorting space.

Anyway, this is all AP (and I do notice the "wow" of it), but I'm pretty sure this is an AP from the next path (or many paths) towards the next shift.