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Something new?

Something new?
3/15/19 2:45 PM
This is a resolution to keep a practice log for the remainder of this work free period to see if something new opens up. I don’t have a structured practice and find effortful practice very hard to do. I heard Daniel mentioning something about Buddha family practitioners in the fire kasina talks. Sounds like me,. my awareness is very expanded in the head, bordering to ungrounded and sharpness and intellectual brightness are not traits of mine.

Partner coming home after 2,5 month of retreat, me coming home after 1 month work period. Been a bit drained as usual when unwinding from work. When she brought up issues in our relationship I fell into some familiar patterns. Shame was triggered which was felt very physical under the rib cage. Mostly on the left side. This sensation is oh so familiar. Recognized me zoning out and feeling sleepy during the conversation, this seems to be my body's escape mechanism when strong difficult emotions are triggered. Did my best to be there with her. I do believe I’m better at it compared to 4 years ago when we met, But still a large possibility for improvement.

Wanted to meditate in a relaxed and easy way towards my wounded self. So laid down in Reggie Ray’s recommended position on a yoga mat, legs bent, feet on the ground, yoga strap below the knees and right over left hand resting on Dan Tien.

Set the alarm on 45 min and did 10 points practice, unguided. Was spaced out some and recognized a snore at one point. But managed to relax the body and stomach anxiety quite a bit.
When the alarm rang I sat up. Felt very still and relaxed. Natural focus on the body and soft focus on the central channel. Felt that lots of energy potential were available. Heard nada and the mind was more silent than usual. Sat there relaxing enjoying being with the stillness and whole body focus. When I felt the time was up more than one hour had passed.. The add feature on insight timer, unfortunately, doesn’t go beyond 1h where it had stopped.

Felt centered afterward. Considering contacting Susanne Marie whom a friend has recommended. to work energetically with this knot/shame. It has been there forever and meditation doesn’t seem to get at it.

RE: Something new?
3/16/19 3:12 PM as a reply to Jyet.
1H Sat in armchair, cozy energy cocoon descending from above. Focused on relaxing. Managed to focus better on the stillness in the first two thirds of the sit. Last parts there where more storylines, but they were still dreamy and felt distant. Silence and nada were in the foreground. Also slight pain/soreness in the coccyx during last part. Feel expanded now afterwards, still hearing the sound of silence.

33min mantra 
march repeated 1000 mantras. Enjoyable but not very good concentration.  Longed for how the mantra felt in Tiru when i decided to take on mantra sadhana. The mala is always a great companion to hide in the pocket during walks and commuting.

2h First part guided, Reggie - whole body breathing, sat up after 35 min, almost immediately pain in left hip, stillness and towards the end my hips were vibrating and heat was arising, sat for 1h until the pain got unbearable, looked at the clock and it was 32min left so decided to lay down. While laying down I got restless, felt disappointment and sadness, as
usual the physical sensation under the rib cage was activated. But it was not as strong as yesterday. Wanted to quit prematurely but waited for the alarm.

20min Candle Kasina 1 cycle  a few seconds of 
big black dot, then maybe 1 min of drop shaped golden dot with red cover, 2 cycle same but now red  dot with golden cover, 3 cycle flame became several flames could not get clear focus, after closing eyes no dot felt a bit disappointed

RE: Something new?
3/17/19 3:49 PM as a reply to Jyet.
Awoke from stress dream, in the dream I had booked a flight the evening before to go to a small town for work. Awoke on the sofa at my parents place from the phone ringing and phone flashing with a flight icon indicating it was taking off. Then the real alarm went off. Solar plexus activated

1h pain in hip again had to adjust the position at 35 min, last 15 min also pain in right knee. Noticed resistance to practice and thoughts on being a fake yogi who can not even do 1h without pain. Felt tired, at least one sigh towards the end, worthlessness, no hope, coming up, looked at the clock one more time when it was 5 min left. Tired now
afterwards with congested energy in face/forehead

45min straight after first session 30min laying down with 10 points p. managed to relax and drift off a bit towards the end some pain in left hip even while laying down. 15 min sit up, got restless experienced chills, the only thing I thought about when getting up was to get hot tea, drinking tea and feeling vulnerable writing this. Gray skies and sleet pouring down out the window, outside and inside at same wavelength

50min walk, skipped the mantra today, choose to feel in the body and be with how the emotional state colored my experience. Also contemplated how it is both a blessing and a curse to have such strong emotions. Both heaven and hell
is possible on earth in this body. Was good to get some movement in the dread. Bought cinema tickets, it will be interesting to go into the city,  usually I don’t choose to do anything in the world unless I have to when the emotional pain body is activated. Also interesting how a smile from the cute cashier lit up the world for a moment. I know this smile can be found inside without external stimuli though
34min first 15min 500 mantras with bliss generating practice, some absorption manifested along with calmness, just sitting, focusing on posture for the reminder, easy to sit, calm and steady, subtle bliss and happiness
afterwards, now looking forward to city/movie

Comical when I stepped out to go to the metro the sun was shining. The weather had shifted along with my mood. The movie Gräns/Boarder was touching in a slightly disturbing way. The main character was an ugly woman with a sixth sense working as a customs agent. It later showed why she looked so peculiar she was actually a troll who had been taken from her parents young and put with humans. Identified
myself with how it is to live here among humans and feel out of place, otherworldly. I have always been an outsider/contrarian/loner, in a way I have a sixth sense also picking up on moods around me and merging with my surroundings.

30min Fire Kasina 4 cycles saw first the black dot and then the red/golden. The Black is stationary, but the red moves around. Time passed fast.

RE: Something new?
3/18/19 3:39 PM as a reply to Jyet.
Woke up 05:30 feeling rested, don’t remember the last dream, but it left a pleasant after tone.

2h put the zabuton in front of the armchair so I could make an easy transition,55min on floor, braced myself for pain like yesterday. But it was easy still and awake, focused on posture, and even though I felt still, I made many adjustments, straightening spine, relaxing shoulder and releasing tension around the eyes. Recognize that i tense up around the eyes when i concentrate.1h5min in armchair, relaxed cozy, drifting off several times but awoke when my head tipped over, one time I had a brief feeling/vision of being sucked into a vortex. Energybody vibrating fast afterwards, mostly in the solar plexus, asked my partner to put her hand on and see if she could feel the vibrations. Which she couldn’t, she said it was the energy body, sounds right.

55min 34min guided yin breathing from insight timer,i do get into a calm and centered space. But have trouble finding the exact spot of the dan tien. It’s not like the heart center yet, where I can feel a very tangible physical sensation. Love the full on talk Reggie holds at the end though on how in welcoming death we say yes to life. During the last 20 free form sitting I experienced some mild irritation and impatience spreading from the usual stomach area. It stays with me now afterwards.

1h heavy energy descending after dinner made armchair meditation extremely compelling. Strong pressure in forehead and top of head, also movement in heart center, towards the end my head violently moved backwards, left it there some time but emotional panicky content came up as it felt hard to breath, Strong itch on nose during last minutes. The heaviness stays with me now afterwards, could easily have sat on.