This is a resolution to keep a practice log for the remainder of this work free period to see if something new opens up. I don’t have a structured practice and find effortful practice very hard to do. I heard Daniel mentioning something about Buddha family practitioners in the fire kasina talks. Sounds like me,. my awareness is very expanded in the head, bordering to ungrounded and sharpness and intellectual brightness are not traits of mine.

Partner coming home after 2,5 month of retreat, me coming home after 1 month work period. Been a bit drained as usual when unwinding from work. When she brought up issues in our relationship I fell into some familiar patterns. Shame was triggered which was felt very physical under the rib cage. Mostly on the left side. This sensation is oh so familiar. Recognized me zoning out and feeling sleepy during the conversation, this seems to be my body's escape mechanism when strong difficult emotions are triggered. Did my best to be there with her. I do believe I’m better at it compared to 4 years ago when we met, But still a large possibility for improvement.

Wanted to meditate in a relaxed and easy way towards my wounded self. So laid down in Reggie Ray’s recommended position on a yoga mat, legs bent, feet on the ground, yoga strap below the knees and right over left hand resting on Dan Tien.

Set the alarm on 45 min and did 10 points practice, unguided. Was spaced out some and recognized a snore at one point. But managed to relax the body and stomach anxiety quite a bit.
When the alarm rang I sat up. Felt very still and relaxed. Natural focus on the body and soft focus on the central channel. Felt that lots of energy potential were available. Heard nada and the mind was more silent than usual. Sat there relaxing enjoying being with the stillness and whole body focus. When I felt the time was up more than one hour had passed.. The add feature on insight timer, unfortunately, doesn’t go beyond 1h where it had stopped.

Felt centered afterward. Considering contacting Susanne Marie whom a friend has recommended. to work energetically with this knot/shame. It has been there forever and meditation doesn’t seem to get at it.

1H Sat in armchair, cozy energy cocoon descending from above. Focused on relaxing. Managed to focus better on the stillness in the first two thirds of the sit. Last parts there where more storylines, but they were still dreamy and felt distant. Silence and nada were in the foreground. Also slight pain/soreness in the coccyx during last part. Feel expanded now afterwards, still hearing the sound of silence.


33min mantra march repeated 1000 mantras. Enjoyable but not very good concentration.  Longed for how the mantra felt in Tiru when i decided to take on mantra sadhana. The mala is always a great companion to hide in the pocket during walks and commuting.

2h First part guided, Reggie - whole body breathing, sat up after 35 min, almost immediately pain in left hip, stillness and towards the end my hips were vibrating and heat was arising, sat for 1h until the pain got unbearable, looked at the clock and it was 32min left so decided to lay down. While laying down I got restless, felt disappointment and sadness, asusual the physical sensation under the rib cage was activated. But it was not as strong as yesterday. Wanted to quit prematurely but waited for the alarm.

20min Candle Kasina 1 cycle  a few seconds of big black dot, then maybe 1 min of drop shaped golden dot with red cover, 2 cycle same but now red  dot with golden cover, 3 cycle flame became several flames could not get clear focus, after closing eyes no dot felt a bit disappointed

Awoke from stress dream, in the dream I had booked a flight the evening before to go to a small town for work. Awoke on the sofa at my parents place from the phone ringing and phone flashing with a flight icon indicating it was taking off. Then the real alarm went off. Solar plexus activated

1h pain in hip again had to adjust the position at 35 min, last 15 min also pain in right knee. Noticed resistance to practice and thoughts on being a fake yogi who can not even do 1h without pain. Felt tired, at least one sigh towards the end, worthlessness, no hope, coming up, looked at the clock one more time when it was 5 min left. Tired nowafterwards with congested energy in face/forehead

45min straight after first session 30min laying down with 10 points p. managed to relax and drift off a bit towards the end some pain in left hip even while laying down. 15 min sit up, got restless experienced chills, the only thing I thought about when getting up was to get hot tea, drinking tea and feeling vulnerable writing this. Gray skies and sleet pouring down out the window, outside and inside at same wavelength

50min walk, skipped the mantra today, choose to feel in the body and be with how the emotional state colored my experience. Also contemplated how it is both a blessing and a curse to have such strong emotions. Both heaven and hellis possible on earth in this body. Was good to get some movement in the dread. Bought cinema tickets, it will be interesting to go into the city,  usually I don’t choose to do anything in the world unless I have to when the emotional pain body is activated. Also interesting how a smile from the cute cashier lit up the world for a moment. I know this smile can be found inside without external stimuli though
..
34min first 15min 500 mantras with bliss generating practice, some absorption manifested along with calmness, just sitting, focusing on posture for the reminder, easy to sit, calm and steady, subtle bliss and happinessafterwards, now looking forward to city/movie

Comical when I stepped out to go to the metro the sun was shining. The weather had shifted along with my mood. The movie Gräns/Boarder was touching in a slightly disturbing way. The main character was an ugly woman with a sixth sense working as a customs agent. It later showed why she looked so peculiar she was actually a troll who had been taken from her parents young and put with humans. Identifiedmyself with how it is to live here among humans and feel out of place, otherworldly. I have always been an outsider/contrarian/loner, in a way I have a sixth sense also picking up on moods around me and merging with my surroundings.

30min Fire Kasina 4 cycles saw first the black dot and then the red/golden. The Black is stationary, but the red moves around. Time passed fast.

Woke up 05:30 feeling rested, don’t remember the last dream, but it left a pleasant after tone.

2h put the zabuton in front of the armchair so I could make an easy transition,55min on floor, braced myself for pain like yesterday. But it was easy still and awake, focused on posture, and even though I felt still, I made many adjustments, straightening spine, relaxing shoulder and releasing tension around the eyes. Recognize that i tense up around the eyes when i concentrate.1h5min in armchair, relaxed cozy, drifting off several times but awoke when my head tipped over, one time I had a brief feeling/vision of being sucked into a vortex. Energybody vibrating fast afterwards, mostly in the solar plexus, asked my partner to put her hand on and see if she could feel the vibrations. Which she couldn’t, she said it was the energy body, sounds right.

55min 34min guided yin breathing from insight timer,i do get into a calm and centered space. But have trouble finding the exact spot of the dan tien. It’s not like the heart center yet, where I can feel a very tangible physical sensation. Love the full on talk Reggie holds at the end though on how in welcoming death we say yes to life. During the last 20 free form sitting I experienced some mild irritation and impatience spreading from the usual stomach area. It stays with me now afterwards.

1h heavy energy descending after dinner made armchair meditation extremely compelling. Strong pressure in forehead and top of head, also movement in heart center, towards the end my head violently moved backwards, left it there some time but emotional panicky content came up as it felt hard to breath, Strong itch on nose during last minutes. The heaviness stays with me now afterwards, could easily have sat on.

Woke up feeling slightly heavy and congested in the head space, like I needed more sleep, but I had slept enough,

131min
56min sitting, heard nada which increased slightly along with the concentration, not that much pain, had the sense of becoming more bodily/internally still as the sit progressed, the thought of visualizing myself as Arunachala arose, feels like a worthy avatar/yidam to strive for. Am also not very visual but the pyramid shape of the Mountain is easily recollected, as is a sense of its steady power.
45min laying down, knees up feet on the ground, this will be my prefered laying down position for meditation unless stated otherwise in this log, relaxed and relaxed some more into the earth, steady awake consciousness, no nodding off, worked quite a while on the solar plexus knot and , managed to peel off and relax it quite a bit, the emotional content was not overwhelming at all, the thought “relaxation of the body is healing” arose
30min sat up considerably more relaxation than first sit, a tiny bit more like a mountain, wondering how many times I need to relax shoulders and eyes? They seem to unconsciously tighten up, even though my mind was so relaxed, towards the end focused on subtle flow up along the central channel, steadiness increased further.
Got an idea to alternate sitting and laying down in this way for a several hours long session. Could be beneficial. We’ll see when it happens.

46min 1500mantras, a pressure in head and got electrical buzzez of energy in temples, felt a minor background irritation/anger throughout the sit, still there now 30min afterwards, not something that was hard to be with, in fact would have prefered to sit longer, but all the mornings tee drinking made it impossible

Went for a walk and listened to FAQ 1 and 2 from the firekasina webpage. Great service to put this up, thank you so much. Especially helpful to get several perspectives instead of one authority figure telling how it is from his experience only.

35min firekasina, 3 cycles subtle bliss and wellbeing got a heart palpitation at one point. Enjoy just watching the candle , it’s calming. Saw first red and then a turquoise dot, bought new candles, unfortunately they flicker at times, but at least that made the murk more interesting and vibrating and I prefer this bigger flame to the tea candle I used before.

30min firekasina, 2 cycles, enjoyed looking at the flame and found the right word for it, soothing. more thoughts than usual, the forum thread about cluster b personality types triggered storylines on how I met quite a few, more than usual I think, difficult people there, often in charge and as a sensitive person i find this challenging, red dot and after that black dot I found it stayed longer than the first session today.

Woke up feeling slightly groggy again, stayed up later than usual, not that skillful, so had only 1h to meditate before breakfast instead of two.

57min in the beginning thoughts where going the mind still engaging with the topic I had been staying up late reading about. Got more and more still though and towards the last third they were a few words spaced out by gaps of minutes. Improvement posture wise was that my shoulders stayed down for the most part today and didn’t find much tension around the eyes either,, now it’s the tendency to tip forward slightly and collapse some in the chest to work with. For some reason focus on posture and whole body awareness comes so much more naturally than breath meditation for me .Hips hurt the last part, but not unbearable. Also my eyes opened more and more, for the last 10 minutes i was sitting with them completely open, just resting

My partner showed this video today as a breakfast conversation starter about one of the things she has been with during her retreat. How to develop/be with your dark side and the tremendous potential for force and power that lies therein. It is of a controversial figure so if you can’t look at him and actually take in what he says without you filtering it through ideas about his persona, please don’t watch it.

How can we think that we can be with the darkness of the world if we can’t be with/acknowledge our own.? Not sure where this contemplation will lead.  But. I do acknowledge that stored below the shame is suppressed anger and below this anger is power, I‘ve tasted it at times and it’s intoxicating. Definitely takes skill to let this arise in a beneficial way.

Dr. Jordan B. Peterson gives practical advice on how to develop your Jungian Shadow.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBet_lgh4wc

Kali is another archetypical example of what we talked about. I get a sense of her powerful current through the words of Aurobindo in The Mother Book. Maybe you do as well?

“Mahakali is of another nature.Not of wideness but of height, not wisdom but force and strength are her peculiar power. There is in her a overwhelming intensity, a mighty passion of force to achieve, a divine violence rushing to shatter every limit and obstacle.

All her divinity leaps out in a splendor of tempestuous action; she is there fore swiftness, for the immediately effective process, the rapid and direct stroke, the frontal assault that carries everything, before it.Terrible is her face to the Asura, dangerous and ruthless her mood against the haters of the Divine; for she is the Warrior of the Worlds who never shrinks from the battle. Intolerant of imperfection, she deals roughly with all in man that is unwilling and she is severe to all that is obstinately ignorant and obscure; her wrath is immediate and dire against treachery and falsehood and malignity, ill-will is smitten at once by her scourge

Indifference, negligence and sloth in the divine work she cannot bear and she smites awake at once with sharp pain, if need be, the untimely slumberer and the loiterer. The impulses that are swift and straight and frank, the movements that are unreserved and absolute, the aspiration that mounts in flame are the motion of Mahakali.Her spirit is tameless, her vision and will are high and far-reaching like the flight of an eagle, her feet are rapid on the upward way and her hands are outstretched to strike and to succour.

For she too is the Mother and her love is as intense as her wrath and she has a deep and passionate kindness. When she is allowed to intervene in her strength , then in one moment are broken like things without consistence the obstacles that immobilise or the enemies that assail the seeker.If her anger is dreadful to the hostile and the vehemence of her pressure painful to the weak and timid, she is loved and worshipped by the great, the strong and the noble; for they feel that her blows beat what is rebellious in their material into strength and perfect truth, hammer straight what is wry and perverse and expel what is impure or defective.

But for her what is done in a day might have taken centuries; without her Ananda might be wide and grave or soft and sweet and beautiful but would lose the flaming joy of its most absolute intensities. To knowledge she gives a conquering might, brings to beauty and harmony a high and mounting movement and imparts to the slow and difficult labour after perfection an impetus that multiplies the power and shortens the long way.Nothing can satisfy her that falls short of the supreme ecstasies, the highest heights, the noblest aims, the largest vistas. Therefore with her is the victorious force of the Divine and it is by grace of her fire and passion and speed if the great achievement can be done now rather than hereafter.”

1h laid down 30min, let myself relax letting tension drain into the earth, I had continues awareness and felt light although I at on point experienced a snoring sound, I guess this was just relaxation. Sat up 30 min, my mind was going somewhat on the power topic, and things I could post in this log, tried to let it go  and just be in the awake openness I also felt but it persisted, not super sticky though, eyes opened last 10min, feel clear and awake in the head space now afterwards 

1,5h Went to a friends yoga/meditation/sharing class, he held a very loving and still space, which was nice to be a part of, I have a tendency to always choose my private practice at home instead of getting out on things like this. A good reminder that connecting inwards together can be beneficial and a loving way to share communion. Interestingly he had lit a lot of candles, one right before my eyes so I kind of got my kasina practice in while he held the introductory talk. My mind was very silent throughout and expanded in the head space.

Woke up with a fast vibrating energy body coming from the solar plexus, but no strong emotional charge

2h morning practice
58min sitting up recognized dullness and mind wandering off in storylines 15 min in did alittlebitofbhastrika followed by 12 fold lower belly breathing to energize/center myself, worked some,did another round 12flbb at 30 min worked better but could not get the clear steadiness of mind I’ve got yesterday in the morning. Towards the end I got quite intense knee pain and was happy when the bell rang.
30min laid down, scanned the body, could feel how the mind was drifting off into trains of thought and dullness.
30minfirekasina. 2 cycles Enjoyed looking at the candle flame so much that I considered not closing my eyes, for the first time this morning there was steadiness, also subtle heartfelt bliss and wellbeing arose. Closed them anyway, saw only a black dot with turquoise cover briefly both cycles., probably because I was practicing in daylight. During the last 10min the perineum activated and lust arose, fascinating all this pleasure/wellbeing available in bodies

Was more ungrounded than usual afterwards, my partner laughed at me while we made breakfast as I forgot water in the porridge and put the oatmeal in the fridge and so on

1h Went for a walk and instead of listening to something/recite mantra i decided to be with things as they were. Slight restlessness dissatisfaction from the solar plexus. Realize that this is the feeling I want to get away from with distraction. Dharma talks and mantras can work that way too. Also, a clear moment of joy when I came across yellow spring flowers, they brought positive memories of hope I associate with spring, returning sunlight is healing joy.

1,5h Went to the sangha my partner has been on retreat with. Usually, it’s 1,5h meditation but today it was sharing first. Felt the force descending creating pressure on my system immediately during the 5 min meditation before the sharing.There is truth to the Bible saying ”For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them." My system became like I pressure cocker during my contemplation on what to share and also from the other’s sharing. It’s a privilege to be with this group, many mature seekers throwing themselves into the process. A particularly strong sharing was on Kali, funny how she appears today again, and how it is to have her cutting truth run through you always making you speak what is true, doesn’t make you very agreeable in other people's eyes. I shared about what was activated in my body which was the physical sensation of shame. The way to shamelessness is to speak about and welcome it whenever it arises. Not fun, but necessary. Welcome and be with an emotion that is so strong that people honour kill their own kin to get rid of. We ended with 40 min meditation, couldn’t get settled, solar plexus activated and the mind was moving on the shame topic. To be expected, this is how this force work it always bring up content until it is processed and first then there can be stillness.

2h Pain and shame

59min difficult to sit still almost straight away pain and numbing out in left hip, theshame band under rib cage activated, thoughts on giving up, being a failure, 45min in I gave up and switched leg position at least that got rid of the intense pain. But then I could spin the failed yogi who moved before time was up story.
70min transferred myself to the armchair, with the bodily pain mostly gone, the shame band came even more in the foreground, had the thought when the heart center is vibrating with bliss I concentrate on that, what’s the difference of practicing samadhi on this bodily sensation?Well one thing is that it’s so much harder to stay present with a deeply uncomfortable sensation, I think I dissociated quite a bit the second part of this sit. Remember now afterwards what I’ve learned about somatic experience and the concept of resourcing/pendulation , to pendel between a place of rest, could be the heart center, and the trauma or a mental image of a peaceful place. I make a resolution to do this next time. As physical sensations of bliss can be hard to evoke in shame, so this could definitely be combined with metta phrases for oneself to make it more tangible/mechanic.

After having read Malcolm account of his push through fear I was filled with vibrating anxious energy. So went for a forest walk that ended up being 3,5h long, a lovely spring day. It was soothing to sit in the sun and did a 15min mediation in which it was hard to relax, also sat by and listened to a creek which played its soothing tune for my solar plexus.. Towards the end of the walk I listened to a talk on chapter one of The Mother Book. I find this book very inspiring as an ideal, but it’s difficult to live up to for sure. It has a relentless transmission on me however and I came home ungrounded to say the least. My partner called it on me wondering why my eyes were so big? It’s good to check in on each other. The wisest decision now is to take the evening off from meditation and take a warm bath of self love instead.

Woke up feeling still and balanced, the 1,5h bath yesterday evening worked, didn’t want to move from bed and that restful state so did 10pp in bed for 20 min.

1h Felt more grounded than yesterday, easy to sit, was relaxed, maybe a bit too relaxed noticed strains of thought creeping in and let it happen. Was background stillness though, opened my eyes the last 5 min and saw the visual field vibrating fast along with hearing the high pitched sound of nada. Didn’t listen to the voice who said I needed to push more and practice longer, nice to chill after yesterday’s bender

Reading advice from one year ago on the importance of grounding awareness in the body for the next step to show itself, just as appropriate to listen to today……

Why do I keep forgetting this practice instruction? Finding it so hard to do? At least hard below the heart center. Could it be a life of transcending the body for there is where the pain and shame isstored? No more floating above.... and the instruction is to establish the expansion in the heart to begin with so…...no need to worry about the rest for now…….

“You have to retrain your system…….. so you have to actually direct your attention to your heart and then to your body. Actually, the stages to do is first attend to your heart, feel it expand there, then put yourself in your belly, and feel it expand there, and then put yourself in the bottom of your feet, and have it expand there, and just imagine that this that has come is going down through your whole body. “

“ but the place that you really want to start with is here (indicating the heart chakra inthecentre of the chest) and it might be a good idea to, while you're meditating, just periodically knock on your chest, at the heart, to remind you, so that your attention will go down there and pay attention to the heart, because once the heart opens up, the rigidity in your structure will quiet and the energy will flow more into your body.”

“Basically, in the state of consciousness you are in now, your imagination is what creates a pathway…….. it's the physical body ultimately that is the channel, not just this (indicating the region of the head with his hands at his head), because this will just go to the transcendent awareness, it's when you can bring it in to your body that it can become lived, it's like you're turning on the light bulb, but you're not taking the step, you're seeing the way but you're not acting on what you see, so by bringing it into your body, more, you can accelerate the process, of what would otherwise be happening naturally to you.”

“can have in awareness a kind of a rigidity to it, right?  You have to do it this way and it can't be that way and you're going to have to reject these lower sensations or experiences so that this (indicating the region of the head with his hands at his head) can expand, that has an interim truth, but when ... it can also create a distorted exaggeration of the awareness, so you want to bring your body in.”

30min heart focus, just focusing there I feel subtle sukha, practiced feeling the excess head energy pouring down into the heart on the inbreath, also did a few rounds of gentle jalandharakumbhaka, devotional subtle head rotations with breathold in the chest, this increased the wellbeing, have a three partsanskrit mantra for this practice, but wonder if three understandable words might be more beneficial?Love, Bliss, Peace curls nicely on the tongue………..

30min sitting mantra recitation with eyes open in forest, enjoyed it except for minor paranoia that someone would sneak up on me and see me sitting there, wouldn’t have mattered really. But who knows why feelings arise?

42min 3 cycles firekasina, saw the dot as always, but not so clear,, the murk was vibrating, both forth and quite a lot of second chakra bliss arose, pleasant.

During the walk today there was more movement energy than usual, like in the old commercial when the duracell rabbit just continues and continues, like if my ordinary batteries had been upgraded and the legs was full of bounce

24.03.19
Woke up feeling slightly groggy and congested in the forehead, had a dream evolving around physical problems in my body, problems that exist in this dimension too

61min increasing 1 min per day, never been able to go much beyond 1h on the floor, but 1 min at a time…. slightly dull, enjoyed breathing down into the heart, feeling more sensations there already, subtle bliss, now afterward also, a few rounds of head rotations/breath hold - reminding myself to go gentle with devotion, no point in forcing the breath hold -  the congestion in the forehead couldn't be let go of, minor headache at the moment,

Talked to a friend who taught me to ground myself by tapping on the bones below the eyes. It actually made it tingle under my feet and the head congestion goes down, even though it came back quickly one very practical puzzle piece.

20min focused on grounding and heart-centeredness just before going to the potluck. The usual anxiety before social occasions got considerably less.. Instead I felt a bit of excitement about going

Went to the birthday party/potluck, recognizing that it’s in the social sphere a large part of my challenges need to happen. As a 100% introvert with social anxiety, it’s far too easy to take the easy route of staying at home. Practiced being with the outsider feeling of sitting on the side not initiating conversation, but happily talk to those who came to me. It is ok to feel both awkwardness and love for oneself at the same time.

The best part of the party was the end when only me and 3 other yogis remained. None of which lives dependent on going up to work early on Monday. We drank a little bit of wine, which I very rarely do and engaged the topics of shame/psychopaths. Was introduced to the opinion that shame is an important healthy emotion, in the right dosage, if you are completely shameless you are a psychopath….Not sure I agree, I think that you can be free from shame but still have empathy and understand boundaries. Need to contemplate this…...

25.03.19
Slept light and felt slightly hungover waking up from one ¼ bottle of wine ha!? sensitive yogi….

62minHeart centered feeling remaining from the after party yesterday, social intimate interactions like that is worth to have was a note to self that arose, also got bursts of piti/electricity as the thought of offering the wine to shaktikundalini washed through, metta/second jhana like bliss throughout as I focused on the fourth chakra, but didn’t feel the absorption of jhana,

AnP defiantly today, manic electric feeling, danced to trance music and listened during my walk it was like being on a small dose of speed, contemplated where the suffering lies in this state, and there is suffering in the vibratory piti, it’s restless and slightly anxious, this state must have something to do with overactive dopamine receptors? A sure sign is also that I want to hang out with people, so used it positively and went to a friends meditation/sharing group

45min heavy energy in the head, could feel the force being channeled into the space through my friend/group. The mind could not settle in completely but felt a bit groggy afterward, time past fast anyhow. Took some time to return to the room for the sharing. Was not as intimate space as last Thursday with mostly beginners so didn’t go all in in the sharing, not that it wanted to happen anyway, fantastic how intelligently appropriate the arisings can be

Woke up with a sore throat, slept in

Spent the day napping and feeling disgust, self-pity for my experience. With a sense of humor/self-love at my mancold, unpleasant vibrations in solar plexus, shoulders and upper body and of course throat

75min afternoon decided that I wanted to get some practice in, feel the pressure of this log calling, whatever motivates right, 40min laid down in bed felt the bodily/emotional unpleasantness and drowsiness, dozed off for a while 35min sat up, was in a kind of pleasant dull state so continued for 15 min after the alarm went off, felt/rested in the heart and generated some mild wellbeing, heavy pressure in head

Reading MCTB on dukkha nanas, recognize a lot, although I find it hard to remember all the details and diagnose the right one, I’m sure I’m there somewhere at the moment mixed with the feeling of sickness, at the moment there is unpleasant vibrations in body, mostly upper, but really everywhere if I scan and visual field constantly, paying notice reading and/writing this

Slept light after 02:00 feverish dreams, 05:30 I woke up from a dream where I was swimming, putting the feet down to the bottom a big crab tried to bite me, I literally jumped up in bed to avoid it, scaring my partner who also got an abrupt awakening

1h Sat in the armchair being uncomfortable in my body, had trouble staying awake for the first 30min and my head kept dropping down, now afterward a disgusted feeling is remaining, feel like I’m contaminated, which I guess I am, with the virus, throat even sorer today

45 min attempted to do guided 10pp, but fell asleep and missed Reggie's call to sit up. I guess my body needed it. Had a disgusted feeling afterward.

1h firekasina in the bathtub, not much new to report, dot coming and going, soothing to stare at the flame, murk flickering, emotional state alright afterward

Slept like a log, still sore throat but the feverish feeling is gone, don’t remember any dreams

Got really happy reading Lindas log during breakfast sat there getting all excited for her with a big smile on my face, but some time afterwards the feeling of being a failure came up, comparing probably, recognize it as something that regularly makes an appearance, the identification with the emotional state was not total, however, in fact, it’s interesting to write this down and see in real time how the states come and go, yesterday disgust, right now failure, what’s next?

1h 10pp practice 30min scanned the body releasing tensions to the earth, managed to lessen the feeling of failure by relaxing tension in the solar plexus, also had a vibrating energy release in my throat, felt less congested there afterward. 30 min sat up could not calm the mind, it was spinning on topics on fear about the future, topics I also recognize from being in this emotional state before,  was however also some feeling of wellbeing and gratefulness for sitting still and just being with it all, and background stillness somehow.

150minfirekasina got inspired by recent Deconstructing Yourself Podcast, Fired up the candle and set the alarm on 2h started practice around 5 pm and the afternoons are always when I get the strongest concentration. Feel comfortable to say that i was in Jhanic territory today, not sure how to describe it however, my reference is Leigh Bs jhanas after 2 retreats with him, after 1,5 h I tried for his jhana but could only get the 1th, when I tried to shift from piti to sukha in the heart center I couldn’t generate sufficient bliss to absorb in, it was like the togetherness/ bodyload had but a lid on that ability,  I know my concentration was strong because my bodily pains felt distant. another interesting thing was that the candle flame generated mist with morphing patterns around it with eyes open, also got an energy release/healing in my sore throat, absorbed in the tingling sensations until I coughed out of nowhere then my tongue stuck out by itself/kriya and i got rid of stuck energy with a hissing sound, Laid down for 30 min more focused on the body and gave myself healing found a trigger point under my left rib cage which has to do with all the emotional content stuck there. Pressured hard on it until the pain lessened, this point could be worth remembering

Two other data points are that I got quite hot during the session and hot-headed afterward, was confrontational and projected stuff at my girlfriend, realized that I was unbalanced, however,,i guess fire does this

Woke up feeling kind of ok, but then it changed after a few hours and the body started feeling unwell again, this is not a normal cold because then it would have moved from throat to nose by now, maybe it’s purification?

22min felt that I had to sit down, lots of energy coming into the head, stopped prematurely for lunch

90min armchair, had so much energy movement in the crown, felt like energy was flowing into me, reached out about my solar plexus issue today, maybe that’s what started it? A positive note is that I feel a lot of tingling under my feet since i learned the tapping technique, there is hope for grounding, was nodding out for the first 45min, then I was awake being with all the tingling feelings with the feet on the ground doing my best to channel the flow through them

Still, lots of flow in the head now during the evening, will lay down in bed and try to ground

Woke up early after 6h sleep, wide awake but felt like I needed more sleep, weird even though I’m unwell i haven’t slept more than 6h several nights in a row now.

1h sat and felt into the solar plexus, with gentle awareness, no particularly difficult feeling/sensations but felt the vulnerable parts, kind of quiet, nice sit, peeling layers of the onion

Went back to bed, and had a very clear vivid dream of being at a retreat with Reggie Ray. I was in the first row for a talk. When he needed to have some papers printed I offered to go and get them for him. When I came back into the Dharma Hall they had rearranged the chairs to two quadrants one before the other and now my chair was in the back, impossible to see and hear. Got so angry that I took my chair and went as far back as possible, put it by the wall and sat down with a grumpy face. One of the attendants came to get me and said that I had to be part of the group. Then I woke up.

Felt terrible afterward, headache, bodypainand fever. My partner convinced me to go see a doctor. Which I did reluctantly. I have a virus the Dr said so nothing he could do. Just such a weird sickness, sometimes I feel ok then it comes back full force. Decided to not meditate more today and hope that a good night sleep will finally put me on the road to recovery.

Woke up 4 am after only 5h sleep and in the middle of an intimate dream encounter, heard nada and the air was vibrating with energy, second chakra very activated not surprisingly

3h lying down meditation, started with 10pp relaxing the whole body, then continued to probe with gentle allowing awareness in my solar plexus, just being with the tension, oh so familiar thought streams appeared, with the underlying emotion of fear,  the mind tried to come up with reasons to rearrange my life in different way, move her and there, get that job, study , not work at all, but in every plan there seemed to be something to be afraid of, had the insight that what I want to get away from isn’t situations per see but this feeling/sensation and that is with me whatever I do, this is the root. Peeled of layer by layer until the sensation under the rib cage was almost gone and I got in to a very restful space,

Then it shifted and another energy came in or maybe it was the energy I had woken up from, which started to activate in the second chakra, pleasure, then the murk came alive with geometric patterns, like a medium dose shrooms close  eyes visuals, this happens occasionally the last time I remembered it was before going to sleep a few days before starting this log. Came out of my spontaneous meditation session. Hadn’t planned it to be this long. It just wanted to unfold this way.

Interestingly the illness is mostly gone today. The occurrence of me feeling super ill yesterday most have been my system purging the last piece. Feel alive and back today. Definitely not only illness but also an energy body cleansing cycle.

30min heavy head energy worked on grounding it in hara, worked around 50%, loud nada and vibrating visual field as I sat with eyes open last half of the sit

48min , joined a mantra meditation online, first chanting, then a pranayama and then silent sitting, magnetizing current, focused as best as i could in hara, but the energy was a bit ungrounding. But nice to feel how it increases in a group

Had to get up at 04:15 to wave off someone close to me going to guru-land for 2 months, managed to fall asleep again and slept to 10:30, this was needed after all I’ve been ill, woke up with a slight headache, realized during the day that I’m on a kind of an energy come down today has been kind of wired for some time, it will be an interesting week now with the household transmitter out of the house having left for further charging, last week of practice log here before next work period, didn’t want to practice, took a long bath instead, will get one session in now in the evening.

45min didn’t want to sit, slight unease/resistance arising before and during sit,  felt very hot and a bit dull even had to remove my sweater, worked on sending head energy downwards, worked some, surprisingly easy though when considering the resistance beforehand

I have decided to end this log. Although I'm happy I took up journaling for this time and will continue by myself. It really helps to look back and see my wild swings. I guess you could explain it as cycling between the dukka nanas and AnP, or purification as I'm more used to refer to the cycles. I might/or might not start posting again at some point when I feel my practice needs more fuel or maybe if I actually has some liberating insight.........

Insights/lessons:

Shame: happy how I met this, and continuously have peeled off layers of the solar plexus onion. The challenge now is to not close back up again when working again other challenging situations. Resolve to continue to be/allow/relax in self-love and acceptance

Embodiment: Felt that there was progress here, this is a large part of my journey, always been able to feel the descent in head and heart, but this time I had clear experiences of it flowing all the way down to the soles of my feet, work on this, 

Tapping: The very simple technique of tapping on the bones under the eyes was thought to me. Gives immediate release from head pressure and makes in tingle under the feet. Sounds almost too easy......  

Dukka in AnP: Have had a clear insight on how being taken over by the anxious part of this energy is not pleasurable at all, yes it gives you energy, but the manic drive is dukka, for sure.........to examine.........is it possible to center/ground in the hara when in this state? 

How sweet of you to be happy for me! I don’t know what to say about your feelings of failure, though, more than that is is brave to be honest about them. Also, you seem to have handled it very skillfully.

It sounds like you have a good practice going, and it sure sounds like jhanic territory to me.

The tounge kriya with the hissing sound sounds exactly like an exercise that we do in my yoga class. It’s so cool that those kinds of things happen spontaneously.

I have never tried doing a long session of fire kasina. Maybe I should. It seems to be very powerful. I would probably need to balance it up with something else, though, because otherwise it might be too much for me.

You are welcome! But don't take it too personally ;) it's a personality trait of mine. The good thing about it is that I am always genuinely glad for other's accomplishments, but I also have a tendency to turn it on myself. No worries about the feeling of failure it comes and goes like everything else. But to note it in this blog is a way of calling myself and that's why I'm honest. To see and be reminded of the patterns. What's the point otherwise?

Yes kriyas are fascinating. When I was on a shaktipat path people used to do full-blown spontaneous asana, mudras and chanting when the juice started flowing. That tradition claims that the energy is intelligent and knows what needs to be done to clear out the blockages. 

Fire kasina, magnetic object, draws you in, doesn't it? I guess you could always increase time slowly.....but on the other hand, it's not like you need to juice up your practice. It seems to me like a lot is happening/moving anyway. The problem for me with the practice is that I'm already ungrounded and however marvelous the practice is I think it's hard to claim that it is grounding I need to reverse the flow downwards, not focus in headspace really......

Sounds like a very sane approach.

That’s interesting. I’m not so sure it’s always helpful to make the energies into entities with agency, but on some plane of the existence they probably are in, the same sense as we are. That is, not ultimately. I do believe that the process knows its way.

That has been true lately but I’m not quite sure where I am at now. There seem to be stagnated energies in my body causing pain, so I guess I need to get them flowing rather than building up some more.