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Difficult emotions all day long

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Difficult emotions all day long
Answer
3/16/19 2:15 PM
Hi all,

Found the community through a Daniel Ingram video.

Background:

It has been a month since I decided to increase my meditation time to 1h a day (although some days I couldn't meditate). I have been meditating on and off for about 8 years. Besides this, I am doing medical treatment for depression and anxiety for about 3 years. My doctor understands and encourages meditation.

I discussed the following with him, and he believes it's a normal part of life. So, from the medical perspective I am clear, but as a more serious meditator, I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences on this.

Recently I have been dealing with negative emotions all day. For most of my life (I am in the early 30s) I have been "rational", logic, always thinking emotions were some kind of weakness. Today it's very clear this was more of an (emotional) illusion/defense than real rationality.

These emotions have been mostly related to a break-up that I thought I had dealt with. I am not sure if it's just an association with it, or the break-up is a cause. I was taking a break from a relationship with this girl, hoping we could get back together at a better time, but in December she found someone else. Part of me still believes I can "do something", but nothing really changed from the motives that made me decide to get away from the relationship. Crazy...

I am very competitive and blame myself for having "lost her" to another man. Besides, I always dealt with deep thoughts about never being "good enough". So you see the recipe for disaster was ready emoticon

I think this goes deeper than just being with the girl or not.

I was trying to solve it rationally (ruminating, really), but then my doctor told me to "get more in touch with my emotional side, accept it as part of life, just like I do with thoughts in meditation." And that, with time, this will make me stronger.

I am feeling very bad, it's affecting work, gym.

After some very confusing period, I learned that focusing on the breath is not just escaping emotions, but part of letting go. Right now, when the bad thoughts and feelings of loss come, I try to be aware of the sensations for a moment, not try to resist, and then gently pay attention to my breath or the activity I am doing.

Did any of you experience something like this? Since increasing my meditation time I noticed much more awareness, which already shown some positive improvements in my life. So it seems related to meditation. I don't want to give up, because meditation already gave me a much better life, and I know there are better things to come, but it can be very helpful if you can "diagnose", tell me experiences, anything really. 

Thanks emoticon

RE: Difficult emotions all day long
Answer
3/16/19 4:49 PM as a reply to Mario.
I've been a gloomy over thinking nerd all my life. I'm on the verge of stream entry, and have gone through a hellish month. I can assure you that what little I've seen of awakening was worth every minute of suffering.

Stick with it, work with a good teacher, and make sure you aren't suffering any medical problems.

RE: Difficult emotions all day long
Answer
3/17/19 12:15 PM as a reply to Mario.
Thanks for the comments!

@Nickol: I will look for medical related mindfulness professionals.

@Steven: Hope you can recover from this bad spot soon.