I experienced awakening 2 years ago, and sice then life is meaningless to me, because i know it's just a dream, not a real life.

I don't have friends, i usually don't talk with people, because even though i'm no awaken right now, i know that these things don't give me happiness of any kind - they just make me feel less miserable. For past 2 years i was moving in dark, trying to find path to awakening, unsuccessfully.

Week ago i started to meditate, with great success.

But my ego is in awful state - i feel great loneliness and misery, i feel that whole world is dissapointed with me. When i'm free from illussions, that doesn't matter; but as fast i progress forward, as fast i fall down.

Once illussions become my reality, life is awful. Meditation and enlightenment seems to be illussion, and i'm unable to clear my mind and meditate, hence i'm unable to progress and leave this state. I feel that i should drop these thing and start *normal* life. Sometimes i just want to kill myself.

I'm looking for some aid for those bad times - what should i do? I was told to concentrate on some certain object, since i'm unable to clear my mind.

And don't get me wrong; i'm not seeking life of "empty island" or whatever to call it - once i reach certain state, everything is joyful.
But below this state nothing brings joy, there is just misery and urge to lower this misery.

do you experience great loneliness and misery, all day every day?

tarin

No. When i progress on path to enlightenment, loneliness and misery fades away.

But making great progress, or falling deep into illussions is matter of hours for me; my progress is very unstable.

Was what you refer to as "awakening" an emotional state of bliss, union, love and/or euphoria?

I'm not really sure what was "awakening" - i think that was realization that there's no need to feel fear, pain, and that i am able to enjoy every aspect of life. Something like that, soon after that i achieved further stage and i dont really remember where is boundary between being asleep and being awaken. I described this further stage in different topic.
Anyway i wouldn't call it euphoria, even though i felt great.

@
paul. S

i dont understand your respond, because what you reffer to is not what i wrote.


When someone answers me, it's important to understand that i often reach state, when i understand whole concept of dark night and stuff, so you don't have to tell me what is past dark night;

i just want to know what to do when dark night comes.