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Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta

Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/7/19 6:02 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/7/19 7:34 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/7/19 11:26 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 5/8/19 12:46 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/8/19 10:50 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 5/9/19 10:03 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/10/19 8:11 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 5/10/19 10:56 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/12/19 1:47 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 5/12/19 2:22 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/15/19 11:21 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/18/19 12:56 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/21/19 12:43 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 5/31/19 1:47 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 6/3/19 1:51 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 6/6/19 10:46 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 6/10/19 8:44 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 6/20/19 3:13 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 7/18/19 11:36 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 7/18/19 12:04 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 7/23/19 1:15 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 8/9/19 4:51 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta shargrol 8/9/19 6:07 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 8/10/19 9:00 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 8/23/19 2:20 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta shargrol 8/23/19 7:14 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 8/23/19 7:56 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 8/26/19 1:59 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 9/11/19 4:37 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 9/13/19 9:29 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 9/15/19 11:38 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 9/23/19 1:20 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 9/25/19 11:29 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 10/1/19 11:57 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta shargrol 10/2/19 6:05 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 10/10/19 2:54 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 10/13/19 11:47 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 10/23/19 3:09 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 10/30/19 12:11 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 11/6/19 6:43 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 11/17/19 10:43 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 11/21/19 10:36 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 11/24/19 10:50 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 12/19/19 10:35 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 1/6/20 3:39 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta shargrol 1/6/20 6:03 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 1/7/20 7:50 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta shargrol 1/7/20 8:29 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 1/8/20 6:39 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta shargrol 1/8/20 10:09 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta tamaha 1/9/20 12:59 PM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 3/23/20 1:03 AM
RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta Anicca Dukkha Anatta 3/23/20 11:04 AM
Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/7/19 6:02 AM
Time to start a practice log.  Have been thinking for last few days regarding purpose of doing this but everything does not need a specific purpose / goal so here it is :

Background :

Practice started in October 2018 with a 10 day Goenka Retreat. Have been practicing 1-2 hours most days since then, did another retreat in Feb 2019.

Based on diagnostic in the forum in the vicinity of Dukkha / Equanimity.

Earlier it was body scanning / noting. For last month or so focus on entire body while breathing so in a way scanning (or more like monitoring) entire body in single breath. Sometimes thoughts / visuals / feelings / sensations on body are verbalized , most of the times just observation. Most of the times content of thoughts and feelings is not engaged into and just observed. Judgement is mostly absent as well. 

Sits :
Most of the sits start with very easy (sometimes within seconds or 3-5 minutes) access to A&P. Its electric currents / vibrations going thru entire body. Very quickly these vibrations are not pleasant anymore. It feels like anxiety / fear. Fear in pit of stomach and entire body , sometimes its a jolt of fear like feeling of being attacked by some creature or some other unexpected thing. after dwelling with that anxiety for some time it turns into sadness . There is feeling of crying (which used to be at drop of hat few months ago) but now its dry cry with no tears. There is scrunching of eyes / face (as if to squeeze tears). Fearful anxious feelings are very easily recognizable but misery / disgust or anything else not so much . Its just very sad, exhausting feeling with a desparation to be free from it, actually feel stuck. Lots of random meaningless visuals keep flashing, some random thoughts which are easily noted, they go away very quickly replaced by something else and are not even remembered. At some points concentration is high with body feeling different (fixed ?? ) with no desire to move even though may not be in a very pleasant stage. Slowly get to a certain place where experience is not exactly painful or scary just tiring and meh. Feel a certain lightness of body and mind.

Personal Life:
Feel A&P at drop of hat even when not focusing so in a state where by default sensations in body continue to be observed, mostly vibrations all over (neither pleasant nor unpleasant ) actually sometimes both during sits and otherwise these sensations feel close to whole body orgasm. It feels body and mind have been cleaned somehow. Things are less heavy and murky compared to few months ago. There is sadness but not debilitating. Reactions are quicker, simpler and louder (less processed and childlike) . My parents expect me to take care of my mentally disabled sibling (totally dependent on parents currently) but they never took my feedback regarding her training or treatment. That has been a very big pain point in my life because that would hugely impact my life but somehow there was feeling of obligation towards parents and sibling even though I do not feel any attachment towards parents due to certain issues facedd during childhood. (There is other sister who keeps herself out of all the work and responsibilities). Suddenly in last few weeks I have found my voice to communicate clearly that we need to find an institution to place my sibling. The intentions are noble, no resentment, I want best for my parents and sibling but cant do it at expense of myself. This is new found clarity and voice with less negativity and drama towards anyone. Feel like the progress is result of meditation practice.

Will keep documenting the practice so there is a record to go back to and also with a hope that it might be helpful to someone. The forum has been extremely helpful so feel there might be continued guidance and support and course correction offered . 

Metta to all. 

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/7/19 7:34 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Changes observed in last few weeks -
* Dependence on God decreased significantly. Still believe but don't pray for help in tough situations, assume it's Karma so feeling is to quietly pay the debts.
* Reduced craving - food, entertainment, comfort. Slightly less Aversion towards pain and discomfort.
* Reduced need to be right, impress others , was never focussed on looks but it has gone down further to maintenance of basic hygiene and health.
* Acceptance of my mistakes in loosing lot of money in stock market in past.
* Forgave Self and others for things which harmed me ( including some childhood instances of sexual and emotional abuse ) I do not love said people but do not hate them or bothered by them any longer. Feel mild compassion.
* Less bothered about whether Equanimity is accessed or not, absolutely not worried about Stream Entry ( if / when). Somehow need to meditate has reduced , trying to keep up the practice.
* Trying to do what I can practically without too much attachment to result.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/7/19 11:26 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Woke up with sadness, ready to cry. Felt like a blob of pain was stuck in throat. Sat for 30-40 minutes.Did not feel A& P or fear, lot of sadness , dullness. There was itching then slowly body felt very fixed in a mildly pleasant state with no need to move. The blob of pain in throat had slowly melted without noticing. 
Recently there has been dullness and sleepiness during sits ( wasn't the case earlier). Felt dizzy ( used to be dizzy during sits all the time ) but was not sure if dizzy or sleepy.
Interesting insight this morning that if it wasn't for Dukkha there won't be practice ( for me). Also able to differentiate between sadness coming out of personal stories / life and Dukkha because there is no base , being stuck , needing to be freed ( existential crisis ? ).
Seem to be craving response from the forum. May have given up expectations of relatability in day to day life but craving some sort of acknowledgement / human touch if you will. Just trying to observe whatever shows up.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/8/19 12:46 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
I don’t know what to say that would be helpful. Just wishing you the best. May you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May you embrace happiness and the causes of happiness.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/8/19 10:50 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I don’t know what to say that would be helpful. Just wishing you the best. May you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May you embrace happiness and the causes of happiness.

Thanks for your kindness Linda. I follow you practice log and am very happy for you. Your progress gives me hope.

Its interesting to observe the cravings instead of just chasing them. Its also amusing to see how we go from say craving Money & Fame to Love n Respect and then may be chasing progress in Meditation practice. Equanimity and Stream Entry might be much worthier targets compared to Money and stuff but if we r craving then thats what they are cravings.
Also keep thinking about role of my karmic account in the suffering that is being experienced.
Had an interesting sit after waking up. It seemed like mild panic / anxiety attack. I was scared without any specific reason. Woke up with blob of pain in my throat.Sat down with feeling of sadness and crying. It stayed fearful and sad for sometime. Some real tears and slowly the blockage in throat dissipated. Body was in a state of fixedness with no desire to move but there was also certain amount of dullness and sleepiness. It ended with certain bland meh feeling. Even though there is pain in personal story but slowly trying to dissociate with past because ultimately its a story. But many times (even in this sit) its dissatisfactoriness, sadness and pain without any reason. Sense of being stuck and needing to be freed/relieved. (Desire for Deliverance ??)

Metta to all. 

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/9/19 10:03 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Thankyou, that warms my heart. There has been less progress lately, and some setbacks, but that is probably part of the process.

About cravings: what you wrote is so true. Those new cravings are sneaky and tricky, too. Some come in subtle shapes. Others seem more honorable. But cravings they are. And resisting them doesn’t help either, because that only makes them stronger. Sometimes I think they just need to play out, if circumstances allow it, until one has seen them for what they are clearly enough and is ready to let go of them.

What you describe from your practice sounds like a rapid cycling through dukkha nanas to me. You seem to handle it skillfully.


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/10/19 8:11 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Hope you get over the setbacks and get back on track to progress Linda. Yeah cycling through Dukkha it is but definitely glad to hear that my handling is skillful , that is all anyone can do.
Had a painful session last night. Was lying down before sleeping. Started with lump in throat, lot of sadness. Lot of tears, tried my best to observe instead of getting sucked into drama. There was lot of fear like ground beneath my feet was gone, feeling of falling into a pit .I think it got slightly better and I went to sleep. Don't totally remember , have been very forgetful lately - thoughts, words , what happened - almost feels like early onset of Alzheimers.

Had a morning sit which got interrupted in 20-30 minutes, do not remember anything other than the fact that it was sad then it got slightly better.

Afternoon sat for 90 minutes. For a change started with vibrations in entire body which were pleasant ( A&P ). Slowly started to feel attacked by random creatures, getting impaled ( murky mental images) , saw my dead body fall into pile of filth. Some itches, vibrations. Its funny sometimes I am observing itch in certain area then I loose focus go somewhere else and suddenly itch comes back in focus. that happens with thoughts but never realized unpleasant physical sensations like itch could also come in and out of focus / observation. Also few minutes into sit I felt need to urinate ( As if something wanted the session to be stopped)  but during sit it was becoming stronger and weaker . Felt tightness in chest. There was a thought that Mind does not want me to practice so keeps throwing disgustiong images/thoughts at me, suddenly realized then who is the one wanting to practice. There is observer, observed ( mind and body ??) then who am I , kinda stopped me in tracks. Certain distance has been created from the person I see in mirror, lot less attachment / reaction. It got better slowly , cant clearly explain / remember. Dukkha nanas are still understandable but getting better / lighter not so much. Am I accessing some sort of Equanimity ?

Even when I typing right now, mind+body system is very lethargic. It seems to slow down and I am just staring at nothing barely aware what I am doing, then things come back to normal. Body feels weird , best description is going in and out of somekind of state, certain emptiness, mildly pleasant, just saw visual field move slighly like curtain in breeze. Has been 2-3 hours since the sit I'm not sure if I visited the rest-room. I forgot ? Was there a physical need ?

I seem to be loosing my mind ... not sure if it is a good thing or bad.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/10/19 10:56 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Good observations.

Nah, if you are losing your mind, then we all are. Maybe we are, in a good way.

Equanimity is not only a stage, but also an approach. Applying it to dukkha nanas is helpful and may take you through them. You seem to be doing good.

Being lethargic and suffering from poor memory is typical dissolution stuff for me. It will pass.

I rarely get that type of images that you describe. I have read and heard about it, but my own visual imagination is poor. I once saw two skulls, but they were pink and not scary at all. I feel like a fraud, lol.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/12/19 1:47 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Linda , I have seen images of me getting killed in so many ways, dead body, my skeleton which I noted to be too tall for the small frame I have so I guess different strokes for different folks.

Some interesting things happened in last 1-2 days (3-4 sits).

Was reading something about cycling through Dukkha nanas and something struck like a ton of bricks - There is nobody to suffer through Dukkha, self is an illusion. Easy to see intellectually but the idea/insight brought a weird high. Feeling was of bouncing emotionally and even physically on a trampoline, fear of hitting the ceiling included. Tooks some time for high to disspate ( A&P ??).

Sits after that have been different. For 2 sits felt like just going thru the motions, No A&P but No dukkha - physical discomfort or sadness, it was like meditation skills have been lost.

Some information regarding Mother's health brought back the sadness. Husband told me that I seems to be disintegrating and in significant amount of pain. I asked if I was mis-behaving , irritable, bleeding thru but he clarified that wasn't taking out on others but he could see me struggling. He offered me to go to a retreat (however long it takes to sort things out) even though it would be very inconvenient for him and son. I do not think 10 day Vipasana Retreat by Goenka ji is the best option. If any of you can recommend a Teacher and / or retreat in India, Burma / Nepal it would be highly appreaciated. Do not want to hurt others during the journey specially when spouse is non-meditator and cannot make any sense of stages of insight (particularly dikkha nanas).

Had a 70-80 minutes sit an hour ago where dukhha showed up. The lump in throat moved to top of head and kept spinning. Headache came up at some point and it is still here. Thoughts indicating that dukkha is impermanent kept arising. Also kept seeing the thoughts about Mr. Ingram's new thread indicating that Past, Present, Self just occurred/ is occurring ; it does not exist. Itching, dizziness, exhaustion but lot less sadness or fear. Images like skull being broken, face getting cut by knife - hardly disgusts or bothers. Tightness in chest , images of neck getting broken but otherwise just meh.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/12/19 2:22 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Wow, you are tough. I can only hope that I would handle visions like that as skillfully as you do. I’m not so sure. I was totally freaked out by a meditation related dream where TV-monitors grew out from the walls, closer and closer, to show me things. They didn’t even show anything scary. I was just afraid of them appearing so suddenly. The levitating green cat in the same dream did scratch me just a little bit, but it did not turn into something from a horror movie as I feared it would do.

I hope somebody can provide you with good advice about teachers and retreats.

I’m sorry about your mother’s health.

Best wishes!

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/15/19 11:21 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Thanks for your kind responses and support Linda.

Have been busy with Doctor appointments for Mother.

The visuals I see can be extremely gory. The fact that I could very casually observe my body getting beaten, broken, impaled, crushed etc. made me think that I am able to handle stuff equanimously but my friend presented an alternative point of view, she said I may be repressing my feelings.

Anyway last 2 sits were focussed on Metta and healing. Vibrations throughtout were lot gentler.Even though there is lot going on in life and I am currently taking care of my sister, there is lot less sadness.

I guess dry Viipassana needs to be toned down and lot more Shamatha needs to be introduced. Process will take whatever time is needed.

Metta to all.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/18/19 12:56 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Last few sits things have changed ever so slightly. Actually most of the sessions have been lying down meditation.

* Memory is shot to hell so will just jot down the main observations (May be out of sequence applicable to different sessions).
* Felt like entire body was contracting and expanding subtly (kind of like liquid enclosed in a thin sack). Subtle movement in lips, skull was only part which felt very fixed.
* Sessions get me sleepy. Earlier it was very hard to fall asleep even late at night but now within 15-20 minutes start getting sleepy n dull.
* Energy level is very low in normal routine, am not able to get much done.Lethargy n lack of motivation prevails. Harder to find time n energy to even practice.
* Even though normal life is chaotic, busy and mood is sour, dukkha during practice has decreased. No more gory scenes , itches are lot less and easily bearable, mildly annoyed but not very sad.
* Last night strong Metta n compassion suddenly arose particularly towards Parents n sister. Saw an image of me kissing forehead of father , its not possible for me to muster that kind of affection towards him normally.
* Vaguely remember feeling some smells during practice which physically werent there.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/21/19 12:43 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Once again will try to remeber and write any new points observed in last 5-6 sits :

* Many of sits these days are lying down before sleeping during day as well as night. Its interesting sometimes I'm sleepy within 15-20 minutes during day and last night I was wide awake at 12:30 after 1and 1/2 hours of observation.
* Texture of dukkha has changed. Last night felt that dukkha is being observed but not truly accepted and embraced, I'm looking at it from a distance in form of images. There was intention to accept everything however painful, ugly , shameful. I got closer to dukkha tried to touch and feel it , accept it, be friends. Most of the session was filled with itching (No gory images). Mind kept trying to trick me into scratching. Somehow was managing to look into it without action then a new itch would start at a different spot.
* Linda what u said Equanimity is attitude not just  state, I'm trying to observe / implement it. Felt like when approach towards self and past is not equanimous and accepting , Equanimity (as a stage) willl not happen. Need to BE totally in present - right here , right now. It is what it is and I have to accept it 100%. Be OK with mess in my house, my mind  my life.
* Fear (whiich was easily observable earlier)is lot less potent, sadness has reduced. Sessions are ending with boredom and fatigue . Concentration is not great. Observing lot of pain in jaw recently, pressure in chest and head. Overall body is lot airier.
* Reading "In this very life" i believe read something which clicked (mini insight if u will) that dukkha is a blessing if it is allowing emotional wounds to surface and heal (hopefully).

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
5/31/19 1:47 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Have been busy with medical appointments for parents and sister. Most sits are not sits but focus on breath+scanning the body for 60-90 minutes before sleeping. Some observations :

* Sessions no longer make me sleepy, in fact it is hard to sleep at night. Slept at 1:45 and was awake at 6 this morning with decent energy. Dosed off again due to habit I believe.
* Gory or any sort of images are gone. Most of the session is itch fest . Itch at a spot melts easily and arises at different spot, then afer some cycles may come back at same spot again. Its unpleasant but not unbearable.
* Lot more Metta is arising and arising of sadness has reduced. crying again but tears bring relief and purification.
* Have been going thru some Mirror therapy which is also impaccting the sessions, my understanding of this upheaval and chaotic period is limited, all I can see is certai amount of healing and peace.
* Fear is not prominently experienced (in fact hardly ).
* Body and mind feel lighter, thinking is reduced, in fact mind feels less intrusive and obstructive (if that makes sense).

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
6/3/19 1:51 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Did a guided meditation based on a link found on some other thread in forum -

It was interesting and it also reminded me of certain experiences I was having for last few days but forgot to document.

* Initial part upto misery kind of made me sleepy, I was barely tracking the experiences he was speaking about.
* Disgust, desire for deliverence suddenly made me more attentive and the minute "Contraction" was used things clicked. I had been experiencing shrinking of self, tightness, claustrophobia for last few days. In this particular sit felt like was stuck in a standing coffin, breathing was not an issue but was desperately trying to get out. he suggested to deeply feel the contraction and during that coffin dropped down, did not get free enough to really stretch but somehow body expanded a bit and feeling of claustrophobia was gone. For quite a few hours after the session upper arms was aching as if they have just been unshackled.
* Few days ago I had a dream where I was trying to run around, find some space but kept running into walls and crowds. i even tried to go into past at a time/place where I had lot of space. I was not able to find it but it did not make me sad or upset, just kept trying then the dream faded away.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
6/6/19 10:46 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
There is progress / change in the prctice since now I am able to feel fear, misery , desire for deliverance (disgust may be not)seperately rather than heavy load of dukkha.
I feel the jolt of fear which runs in body for some time, then certain sadness and crying shows up. after some time there is clear sense of wanting for all this to be over. There is also clear sense of shrinking / contraction and tension, a very strong desire for that to release, it does not become pleasant but atleast the tension releases.
Had lot of intellectual insights (but lot deeper with feeling) recently. Realized that life is just a string of experiences, sense of experiencer is also part of experience. these are essentially generated based on cause n effect.
There was also a sense of stepping back and zooming out with respect to time and was able to observe verious younger and current version of self. Felt that zooming in and out with respect to time and space was possible.
Felt deeply that there  was nothing to be said or done or experienced , is no past, no future its all just here and now (if that).
Ego/self is arising and passing away like everything else and these insights may not be felt deeply next second or next day since the self who felt them is long gone.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
6/10/19 8:44 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Very hard to remember things ( and do not have desire) since the practice, insights and self everything is arising and passing away. Some random points :

* The impermanence is glaring. Thoughts, feelings, insights, self, pain, pleasure so quickly aspect of arising and passing away is prominent. here comes an itch which wants to be scratched and with that in full bloom realization arises that it has arisen, it will pass away. Its russian dolls, even the realization is in process of passing away.
* Very easy to see non-self, when even next breath is beyond control , its laughable to have illusion of any sort of control, that is if the impermanent SELF can be clearly identified.
* For the first time was able to observe Dukkha as not dissatisfactoriesness but lack of satisfaction. Its phenomena like everything else devoid of inherent value/meaning but not painful or sad just empty of any sort of satisfaction. Everything is empty.
* Non-duality , the observer, the observed , the observation. What is reality ? Physical phenomena ? Multiple people looking at same thing have different picture of reality created by their mind. But actually observation/experience is sum total of the observed & observer so division is arbitrary. Anyway all is in context of time and space so if granularity of time is changed I and so many others never existed. Understood some of it intellectually earlier also but now there is feeling  / experience?? (Which is off-course imparmanent)
* No formal sits but observation at night before sleeping, yesterday a 80-90 minute session was finished body trying to sleep at 1 am and guess what mind starts running its own thing again and 60-70 minutes pass observing the breathing all these insights showing up.
* With itch earlier body felt like quilt of 100 itches overlapping but now its like meagre 2-3-4 patches hardly covering 10% of body.
* Shackles are clearly felt or a sense of swinging trying to cross the chasm/ valley from this side to other. Feel the need to strongly contract before expansion is possible (Swing hard this side to make it to other side). Freedom doessn't entirely come but in someway shackles are gone.
* For the first time in observation felt like shackles were gone and entire body covered with ants kind of sensation (A&P ??)  and cycle started again.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
6/20/19 3:13 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Have been too busy in practical life ( went thru a trip, planned a trip and so on) so practice has been irregular and spotty. May be need to practice also was not strong enough. A few things observed :

* During email interaction with Kathmandu centre for 20 day retreat word Metta was mentioned and it resonated so deeply that I started crying.
* During most of the sits I feel like I am at a family friends place (from way past 35 years ago). Recently I try to navigate away from that place / time and /or explore further why I am there. It felt like it was a happy place / time for me, I wated to get to another happy time/place and suddenly realised that happy place/time is right here/right now. And the sadness/anxiety/ fear I was feeling vanished. Involuntarily I kept repeating mentally happy place is right here and now. Felt very light and peaceful.
* Felt that time and place are lot more closely related almost interchangeable (kind of like a state). And mind can make a choice to be in any state past or future.
* This thread was started with a craving for response/support from the group and keep a diary/track of practice. The craving has significantly decreased as well as need to have an exact diagnosis regarding if it is Equanimity or still Dukkha. Frame off mind has shifted something like - " Shakespeare asked - To be or not to be ; equanimity answered beautifully - It does not matter, it is fine either way."
* Used to be big time reader, am hardly able to read , even things like "In this very Life by U Pandita" which I was really enjoying and wanted to read.
* Craving for food, entertainment, sex all went down a few notches but not in a sad way, feel indifferent.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
7/18/19 11:36 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Was out at IBMC Kathmandu for a Vipassana retreat. Had some interesting experiences in 10 days, will be sharing the key points. I was recommended to note rising and falling of abdomen during sitting meditation and note if any secondary object arose.

Notes from a session on day 5 :
Vibrations started at the base, them arms and head ultimately torso too. Kept observing (and noting) expansion and shrinking of abdomen , it was also causing upper body and head to swing, kind of anchored by lower body. Stayed in vibratory state for 2-3 minutes. Very strong pain in right leg, rising falling speed increased, mild fear, physical pain. Pressure on chest, pain in shoulders, entire body felt tied up. Fast rising falling. Suddenly ropes opened up, entire body and mind felt free, rising falling slowed down. Body feltt expanded, everything went slow. Body wanted to lie down in open position, held it to stay sitting. Area of rising falling on abdomen expanded, felt very light with no rresistance. Body n mind seemed to be floating.Gentle waves (not strong vibrations) in body n mind. Open my eyes and it is magically end of session.

Later session day 5 :
Body felt so constricted like getting crushed from both sides. Rising falling faint n restricted, could barely breathe.Body kept trying to fall down in different directions. Hands n legs felt tied down, by the end of session tied feeling was gone. Got a sense of dying when was being crushed.

Day 6:
Just so much jolting of body, head kept dropping and swaying. Hardly any physical pain.Strong feeling that something was trying to happen but not happening. Got frustrated but not angry. Then 10 minutes before session end , it became very quiet and still. Next session started with very strong vibrations in skull. Swaying and head nodding kept happening.May be subsecond blackout and fell down on my elbows. Feeling of a continuous Beep in right leg (cant explain any better). When fell saw image of a lotus with very large no of petals blooming. Body wanted to expand like that lying on back.

Will continue sharing more notes.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
7/18/19 12:04 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Day 7:
Within 5 minutes there were vibrations in head, Jolt in body, then body slumped, swinging and dropping of head and body for next 30 minutes.

Day 8:
Most of the action happening one pair of raising and falling to next. Observing physical phenomenon in so much detail. Feeling very tiny particles in nose/mouth etc., can't see them.Residual vibration in abdomen after falling wich cant be seen/ felt ver faintly by hand. Vibrations felt inside mouth and in teeth.Start of vibrations in lot finer detail, arising of pain in slow motion. Mild aversion towards pain and mild curiosity but not much observed in mind.Just wondering why body is swinging so much ( in slow motion).Mind seems very mildly annoyed by it but mostly disinterested.

Day 9:
Finally head dropping stopped but felt so much pressure on neckk, feels like i am getting choked.Rapid movement in eyes, popping and pressure in 1 ear.Continued for 30+ minutes. Mid not scared, just wanted to be free of discomfort.Very mild rising falling, at verge of blackout. Lots of strong vibrations in throat and head.(Continued for 10-15 minutes)

Day 9 later session:
Started with vibrations in entire body within 1-2 minues.Pain kept popping in various parts of body, noted it did not see aversion. Thought arose - Pain is a conditional (essentially neutral) phenomenon - no point hating it. Made me cry but no sadness.So lot of physical pain  but no agitation very peaceful. Body also stayed very still ( Havent experienced that kind of stillness) . Headache and vibrations in head.
Body felt light but head felt very heavy. Just wanted to put it down. There was discomfortt and desire to put the head down but no anger or sadness.Compassion arose for my Hsband as fellow human being. Grieved for a second since never considered him just a fellow human. Something very subtle clicked. With closed eyes suddenly bright light shone in my left eye. It was reflection of outside light from my palm. ( Wierd since my palm is not reflective and there was no Sunlight outsiide. ) Mind n body very still with very bad headache, nausea and dizyness.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
7/23/19 1:15 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Circling cone of energy inside the skull kept going around and trying to get out.Kept going on for 15-20 minutes, went half out and stayed halff in (inside skull). Kept noting energy, was exhausted slept a little.Started meditating again  - Energy again went from Bod to head, some jolts in body, mild pressure in throat.Now energy started oozing out from head like a yogurt pouch being squeezed. Felt very exhausted, headachy n quiet.Some rotatingg sensation inside head. Parents, family, home, life everything feels so far away.

Day 10:
Body felt like big bowl of water gently being swayed. Some pain in right leg and pressure at base of body and gentle waves in entire body. Some jolts which seemed to squeezing energy out from base to head ( but no oozing out).

Day 10 later session: Upset stomach and lackk of concentration.Went thru some sort of revision. Strong vibrations in body, jolts and squeezing of energ upwards, strong vibrations in head, head and body nodding / dropping, Nausea, headache, energy circling inside head, pain in leg . It was very violent / brutal experience (Not entirely physical). Barely noted few istances of rising falling.It was like last few days repeating all at once.When I got up felt like getting out of boxing ring instead of meditation mat.Strong vibrations in head and dizzy spell lasted 30+ minutes (after session).

After coming back from retreat motivation for practice has been down, have been barely able to note abdomen before sleeping for 20-30 minutes. Craving for food, entertainment seems to have reduced further. Overall feeling very neutral and unattached to anything. Had some drama with family which made me sad but sprang back to this normalness (??) very quickly.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/9/19 4:51 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Practice is very confusing but somehow frame of mind seems to have changed, here are the key points :

* Need to find out the stage I am at has significantly diminished, progress will happen at its own pace. Anyway progress itself is lot more meaningful compared to knowing how much progress is being made (that is almost irrelevant). That automatically translated in the time spent lurking around on forum reduced.
* For a few days practice was almost gone, did not feel the need to practice. It has gotten better but the kind of urgency to practice which was there before retreat is not there at all.
* Life is still messy, lots to do, things not going to plan, but somehow Dukkha is gone ?? Nothing to be taken too seriously. Intellectually I always understood we r one of 6 Billion (that is currently alive) people on a tiny planet which is such an insignificant part of universe but may be there is a visceral sense of it now.
* most of the sits have lots of jolts &  pressure. Contractions are clearly felt but edge of pain and sadness is gone. Its fine, there might be mild aversion & desire for different things but it hardly sticks.
* Have been contemplating embarassment regarding my mistakes and they seem to have lost their grip on me.
* Attachment to my family has reduced, I am extremely thankful to have them in life but clinging is not there anymore . Anyway there is no control on anything.
* Peaks and valleys of experience r gone, not dancing out of joy but not sobbing on floor out of pain.
* Most of the sits bring headache ( mild n manageable).
* Earlier I used to be able to see the stages of insight, right now its very unclear but its Ok, it is what it is. Being able to sit /  practice before sleeping is good enough.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/9/19 6:07 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Could be Reobservation (sucky) turning into shallow Equanimity (fine, simple, okay, normalness).

The classic mistake people make at this stage is they stop practicing because everything seems fine, no dukka, nothing much to work on... The correct approach is to keep _gently_ practicing every day, and notice how things like space, ease, non-clinging, acceptance, openness, etc. are still experiences which can be noted. In other words, notice all the aspects of equanimity as a mind state too. There are still many aspects of mind to be curious about in these more simple states.

It's easy to remember to investigate wierd energies and jolts and pressures... but also make sure you continue to sit and use a very gentle effort to investigate normalness, ease, and even the minor sense of confusion. 

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/10/19 9:00 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thanks for your kind response Shargrol, totally agree. I realize that I need to continue sitting even if I am not able to muster enough enthusiasm.
I do try to note everything which comess up but as u mentioned jolts n energies shout so much louder than minor confusion or sense of space / okayness etc. . Will pay extra attention.

As a side note rising n falling of abdomen seems to go out of focus  sometimes ie not noticeable ( Just too subtle / feeble even though there is no distraction). Also body feels like it is rotating with axis going thru belly button (while lying down). Anyway all is unsatisfactory, transient and devoid of substance.

Metta to all,

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/23/19 2:20 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Update for last few days :

* Even though 40-50 minutes sessions are happening almost everyday (Mostly before sleeping) but lack of momentum is a concern. Their is equanimity about this lack of momentum.
* Things are not sticking much. Routine life is going through lots of ups and downs , many setbacks are happening but hardly any frustration or agitation. Even if something arises, its passing away swiftly.
* There is certain amount of decluttering happening in house and life. Starting to deal with things (for example very messy kitchen) from which I was running away earlier and was unwilling to face. Working on long standing issues with lot less emotional charge. Nothing has magically changed but may be things are not as bothersome as they were in past. No logic but have a strong feeling that bottom has been touched, U turn has been taken and things can only get better from here.
* Best word to describe mental state is "indifference".
* Physical Vedana during sessions is muted as well. Lot less itching, pain, fear, sadness, desperation... actually hardly any. Things r not very clear though but they do not cause unhappiness, just mild curiosity.
* Contractions (both extent and frequency) have reduced significantly. Don't feel stuck even if there is no explicit sense of openness and freedom. Its all Okay or most of things have lost the power to destabilize.
* Not in a hurry or desperatel chasing "Stream Entry" ... it will happen when it does or not. Anyway I can't make it happen but no bitterness about lack of control.
* Catching / observing arising/ passing, Dissatisfactoriness , Lack of control lot more frequently everyday, everwhere.
* Similarly Craving and Aversion are being noticed lot easier.
* Just today sense of some body parts started dissolving.
* Emotional attachements have definitely lost clinging aspects.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/23/19 7:14 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.

For what it's worth, you don't need to be particularly concerned about "indifference" at this stage. In the Christian tradition, there is a phrase "divine apathy" which is used to describe a state where the person isn't likely to be attracted by sin.

In buddhism, there's a recognition that when we start seeing samsara clearly, we are just aren't motivated by the strong urges of greed, aversion, and fantasy... and indeed there can be a feeling of indifference. It can feel strange to access this orientation at first, but the richness and enjoyment of the vividness of life does come back into the mix.

Also, you can let yourself enjoy the quiet seclusion of indifference and even feel some joy and pleasure in the wonderful simplicity of it. Sometimes this indifferent state is a good foundation for feeling jhanas. So you might want to explore basic metta practice and/or try cultivating the feeling of pleasure and jhana. The only reason I mention this is that sometimes having a joyous body tone helps "grease the skids" and allows us to slip into nibbana. 

But ultimately, no need to change a thing. You're doing great.

...And for what it's worth, here's my current metta statements --- feel free to create your own!

May I be calm and at ease
May I be healthy, rested, and whole
May I be safe and free from danger
May I bravely face the difficulties in my life, while wisely avoiding unnecessary problems
May I awaken
May I be free from suffering
May I be happy

May those that I love...(repeat phrases above with May those I love as the first part of the sentence)

May those who support me... 

May those who oppose me...

May I be healthy, rested, and whole
May I be safe and free from danger
May I bravely face the difficulties in my life, while wisely avoiding unnecessary problems
May I awaken
May I be free from suffering
May I be happy

(At least do metta for yourself. And if you do other groups of people too, also end with yourself.)

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/23/19 7:56 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Sounds like a diligent practice with mundfulness also in daily life. Nice to hear.

And Shargrol’s words are a treasure as usual.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
8/26/19 1:59 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Yes Linda, totally agree Shargrol's words are Gold.

In fact I was emotionally over-whelmed by the kindness and support behind these words. Thanks for your support Shargrol and Linda.

OK now for the updates :

* I have encorporated explicit Metta into the practice. Its very easy since I truly feel Metta for all , just was not focusing on it. Metta for self was harder (poor self-esteem in past) but last night was very easily able to wish for healing and happiness for all , specially self without feeling small about it.
* Was feeling very joyous , filled with Love during last night's practice. Almost high on Metta, body had mildly pleasant undertone, exhilarating kind of like free fall or roller coaster. Not sure if was high on A&P or it was Equanimity. The feeling was gentle and not hyper.
* Body is starting to get sense of expansion . It feels springy like bouncing on a trampoline but boundaries between body and trampoline are blurred.
* Body somehow feels lighter, cleaner. Earlier with Dukhha body felt covered with patches of pain / itch / sadnesss like quilt. Then it reduced with only few spots, now may be boundaries between body and environment have lightened, weight of entire self is not being carried. Sense of responsibility for everything has reduced since lack of control is accepted. Feels like weight of things has been reduced from shoulders (if not entirely eliminated).
* General feeling of health and well-being has increased.
* Lots of pain of past seems to have flushed out of system, just cant feel the pain and grudges I held for decades even if I remember things intellectually.

Desires like visiting Iguazu , Emotional attachments, Embarassment of past mistakes ... everything seems to have lost its grip (It is stilll there but just not as strong) . At peace with right here and now.

Metta ,

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
9/11/19 4:37 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Update for last 2 weeks :

* Once again inclination to practice has significantly improved. Many times body+mind just start meditating on own or there is significant motivation to just drop everything and sit even if it is for 10-20 minutes. So 1-2 hours of sitting / lying down meditation happening.
* Its hard to remember what happened during the sit, feels like nothing significant happened. Sometimes felt like logging the practice but was clueless regarding what to log. And anyway did not see much point in logging.
* Listening to lot of Dhamma talks. Had an interesting insight. First time truly felt that Suffering in Life is due to attachment and identification with self. That identification seems to be fading. It registered that consciousness in not limited to boundaries of own body.
* Many times question regarding who and where is the observer arises.
* Sits mostly have experience of contraction, which feels lot subtle compared to earlier experiences. There is no discomfort or aversion. It does dissolve but not into sense of wide open space but sometimes do get a glimpse of timelessness. No past or future, just now contains all the possible times.
* Had a sense of near miss. Was in a dreamy state lying down noting rising and falling of abdomen and suddenly saw/ felt putting a step ahead and started freefall but in a second found myself as it is lying on bed. Its like few frames in the middle got cut or frames were rewound very fast or something.
* Lot of pressure being felt in forehead. Dizzyness is back again. Mild headache is triggered after every session.
* Sense of self has diminished so even though "Stream-Entry" is always in the back of the mind but there is no desperation and certain wonder regarding who is the one looking for stream-entry.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
9/13/19 9:29 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Practice has clearly increased but this log is turning more into rough notes since sequence of events and events themselves are hard to remember.

* Entire body and mind feel like heart, simply contracting and expanding.
* Some random occurance of pain invokes just curiosity, itch on other hand still brings out mild aversion. ( Very low occurances though)
* Contractions r becoming subtler and they dissolve very sneakily, suddenly there is realization of just normalcy, no wide open sky just usual. Earlier there was feeling on floating / bobbing in ocean, kind of funny since I cant swim so scared of water.
* Starting to get a sense that space is not what is around but what is within. Self is just artificial boundary between in and out, all same process and elements.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
9/15/19 11:38 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
* Contracted states are reducing. Yesterday night contractions were 5-10%, it was just whole lot of nothing. No pain, no pleasure, no contraction, no desire, no aversion, just indifference.
* Actually lot of that session was spent in random thoughts of online clothing shopping. ( And shopping has never been an excititing activity so curious) No frustration or agitation just mild wonder - Vanity sputtering ??
* At some point (not while practice) observed conceit, a sense of doing a lot for others was always there just was not observed as conceit before this. Just noted it, no inclination to control/eliminate it, no aversion to it.
*Its a wierd state of mind - Nothing to gain, nothing to loose, No pain, no joy, no ugliness or beauty, no attachments or desires, no fear or hatred , nothing to do, nowhere to be .... just whole lot of emptiness ??
* Few days ago there was a thread discussing "Change in memories based on state of mind" , it is being experienced. Memories not painful any longer - sexual assault or emotional manipulation ... its not dissociation trying to protect, its just the identification with story of victimhood, pain etc. is pealing off. Even stories about self like intelligence, kindness, strength etc. are loosing grip. Getting to a state from doing to Being ( not being this or that, just being ).
* More intellectual but an insight regarding self being a sequence of experiences / moments which are essentially intersection of body+mind+consciousness.
* It is hard to remember my face, one day took >5 seconds, another day suddenly saw reflection and it was just surprising. Not running away or trying to dissociate from self, just dont care/identify enough. Actually not trying to do anything, since nobody permanent is there who is in control of anything so just moot point.
* First time world did not feel ugly or beautiful. There is so much pain and suffering but all transient. Cause and Effect are the only factors controlling so its a mean thing to say but first time all the pain/hunger/abuse (around in the world) did not really hurt. There is mild Metta n Karuna with wish of peace, joy and enlightenment for all .

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
9/23/19 1:20 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
And back comes the pain :

* For last few days observing/experiencing wierd sort of pain in face/jaw. Also lots of headache. Found some threads regarding that which mention Self kind of feels centred in facial zone so its trying to cling on or something. Physically pain is significant, but not causing suffering in any meaningful way. Still emotionally its easier to feel "No me, not mine" but physical pain gets experienced iin full glory. Was able to observe 4-5 episodes lasting 1-2 hours and the sensations slowly vibrating but not entirely melting. 
* Exploring duality / triality and location of mind / body / self / observer. Mind and Body r easier to observe flexing that side intertwined ( part of same phenomenon ) and there is observer but Self is not to be found. Intellectually understanding of Observer being embedded in experience / phenomenon (Mind/Body) is arising (Experience being intersection of mind / body n observation) but may be not viscerally or not strongly enough. 
* Some insights arise stopping Self (??) / observer cold in tracks. Thought that observer's task is to observe whatever arises (and passes away) trying to control or have desire / aversion towards stuff is not a part of job description. So the default state is dual where mind/body is doing their own thing ( 3 characteristics applicable) and observer is observing.
* Was talking to husband and son regarding his college and suddenly reality started fading away (very subtle, distance between observer and reality increased). Took certain effort to actually answer the questions asked. Was hearing and seeing physically but it did not invoke any response. Lines between regular life and sits is blurring, unless totally distracted mostly in observer mode , observing abdomen rising/falling or craving / aversion or arising of unskillful action/thoughts.
* Sleeping is just harder, mind does not stop observing, intention to sleep is not strong enough. Once sleep , mornings are harder to wake up though.
* Attachments seem to be gone visibly, husband asked me to explicitly show some emotion and empathy since lack of it is just showing thru. 
* Made a simple grammatical mistake while complimenting somebody outside but the embarrasment hardly registered.
* Will wrap with a thought which never came up before - "I am not coming back, have been pushed beyond point of no return." wanted to say to my husband but felt it was more for self.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
9/25/19 11:29 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Last night's session was interesting :

* For the first time part of body (initially legs and then part of torso) dissolved, smidgen of fear arose (feeling of half the body gone) but then fear passed away. Boundaries were totoally gone as in body boundary kind of came up to half of torso but there was mild sense of some sort of blob, part of body or not cant say. definitely made the vibrations of A&P feel kind of gross in terms of sensation and kind of juvenile /undetailed. Stayed for 5-10 minutes .
* Insight arose - "Mind does not create the filters , mind is the filter." Entire body/every atom is self-aware and doing its thing, its mind which is slapping stories on top of sensations to make sense of everything. Mind is creating "Self" attaching meanings/stories , filling in gaps, doing processing to create a consistent narrative. Identification, clinging, aversion all comes from these stories/ filters.
* Yesterday and even night before that got a sense of being in free slide, just sliding on a tilted plane into some pit but never reaching the ground. Off-course there is nothing to hold onto.
* Looked at the mirror in rest room just before sleeping and even though intellectualy identified "My" face but viscerally identification was just gone. Face was mildly scary.
* Morning that sense of non-self was of lot lesser degree , but still here. Its like focus / intensity of things changing.
* Now most of the times have some tingling/ vibrations coursing thru out body, sensations going in and out of focus, mind going thru phases of emptiness / clutter etc. . Just observing world passing by, sense of control / doing / solidity mostly gone.
* Feels like view of self has irreversibly changed but then experiences are filtered thru mind, don't know what are the parts filled in by mind.
* Also realized that as "I" or self is a story , same applies to others too ... like there is no Self to Love/Hate/Control/Do similarly there are no independent permanent people / entities to be Loved/ hated / clung to etc. .
* With all past and potential for future stored in form of Sankharas (??) / Karmic footprint .... only control / power is Intention .... With no permanent / unchangeable time/place / goalpost to measure / define reality ...... just flowing through the stream of Life .....

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
10/1/19 11:57 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Listening to Joseph Goldstein's talk on Impermanence :

* Suddenly the idea of leaning into next moment clicks , we are just looking for next day, next moment, next event, stream entry , new experience .... it was written earlier in context of craving but so simply exposes not being here and now.
* Earlier went thru guided meditation by Michael Taft ( Brilliant, very highly recommended) - Awareness has no centre and for the first time feeling of a particular self/I reduced significantly, wasn't a point, oberver was scattered everywhere . There was a sense that there is no reality / world beyond awareness.
* Starting to get glimpses and moments when "Self" is almost gone (not entirely maybe, that would be stream entry).
* Read regarding Karma which could lead to lower realm birth needs to totally extinguished before stream entry and made so much sense. Not that practice hard, get stream entry and lower gates get shut but bear/experience fruits of karma before the first taste of Nibbana comes.
* Going thru certain detox like symptoms physically. low fever, body ache, pain in tail bone . Got some medical test results back, there was expectation of better results being in Equanimity but bad results ended up testing Equanimity :-) . Took good 24-48 hours for the agitation / suffering to dissipate.
* Subtlety of experience / observation seems to be increasing exponentially. Experiences from from few days / weeks ago feel so simplistic.


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
10/2/19 6:05 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Regarding "leaning in"...

When I was on retreat, one teacher told me to notice how I either was "leaning in" or "leaning away" from experience. This is a very subtle thing, somewhat in the body (the slightest physical leaning forward and backward) but mostly in the mind (craving and aversion). It was very helpful to me to learn to rest in the middle, neither leaning forward or backward, neither craving or avoiding. There is a feeling of relaxation and awareness in "the middle".

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
10/10/19 2:54 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thanks for your kind words and support Shargrol. There is so much Metta flowing towards you, I am so emotional and crying. (Grudging use of "I", cant form seentence any better).

* Frame of mind keeps changing (Impermnent and beyond control off-course). Sometimes feeling of strong Metta and oneness but then it goes away , sometimes incredible lightness (of self too) then denseness of dukkha is back. Kind of like focuse of camera or frequency of radio station being set, just not exactly clicking or getting it. Or anyway its dharma of everything arises and passes away.
* Recently dealt with high abdominal pain during a flight. Just kept observing with understanding that its not observation if intention is for it to quickly go away. Hardly any aversion and there was aversion towards mild aversion to pain (which was fine too). Felt that pain was being noticed / observed but suffering was due to identification / extra focus (loud noises were similarly being noticed but were not being focussed on or identified with ) .Not entirely equanimous towards impermanence + Non-self+Unsatisfactoriness but no doubt about these characteristics being intrinsic to everything.
* Lines between practice and life are very blurred. Formal practice has not happened (out for vacation) but easily catch unskillful thoughts, sadness, anger, unmindfullness. Default mode is awareness.
* Sense of body is muddled, some times acutely aware of chaos of sensations everywhere sometimes some parts of body are almost gone or distorted (like looking in funny mirror).
* Wasn't really practicing but for first time closed eyes and saw a dot of light falling against dark background (minute or 2). Nimitta ??
* Idea of stream entry is still somewhere in mind but again it almost gets forgotten even when in focus, craving / desperation is just not there . No agency if when that happens, to whom ??
* Some glimpses of incredible joy/beauty but default mode is mild sadness/ annoyance / indifference. Attachments to people and things seem to be mostly gone. Some whispers of doubt arise where is "I" going but then feeling is quickly gone.


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
10/13/19 11:47 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Heard an idea by Joseph Goldstein , really clicked - " Observer is last hiding place of Self." 
Practicing guided meditation with Michael Taft - Escaping Observer trap and impermanence, Non-self and unsatisfactoriness of observer came into focus. Observer also seems to be bobbing in sea like everything else. The idea seems simple but never even showed up intellectually.
In some other Dhamma talk on Impermanence there was talk about absence of tooth-ache or ear-ache and it is never noticed, only pain is noticed. Connected the dots to self, lack of self may be natural and may never get really registered . Only when selfing is going on it is noticed and the unsatisfactoriness associated. It felt that way even though lack of self has not been experienced.
Metta like everything arises and passes away, found sending metta and karuna to some buffaloes which were gettinh beaten by the owner. Crave to have that kind of metta all the time. Still a non-vegetarian so long way to go.
Michael Taft suggested to focus on thoughts n feelings , to see how it feels to be "I" and somehow it felt very empty, hardly anything coming up.
Craving for food seems to be flaring up. Specially wit pre-diabetic and over-weight status not the best thing to happen - here comes aversion .
Tug of war between aversion to work (laziness) but craving for a clean house. 
Many times in day , eyes r open but grasping or engagement in what is physically seen is faded. Eyes out of focus is best description. 

While guided meditation, felt like education, skills, money , house etc represent extension of Ego/Self. Striping down everything Self came down to a tiny dot flowing in stream and slowly dissolving. Thought came up even if entirely dissolved like salt does it stop to exist or just exists in a different form.

Have been experiencing lot more Dukkha ( Nowhere near gut-wrenching experiences of Dukkha nana but sadness and lack of direction).


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
10/23/19 3:09 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Hardly any energy to document the practice in last few days. Here it goes :

* Some weird detox symptoms going on. Upset stomach, pressure and pain in lower back / colon. Excess urination, UTI like symptoms. Doesn't feel very physical, its like toxins seem to be slowly exiting the system.
* There is practice regularly, formal sits but feels like nothing, like no practice going on. Nothing positive or negative.... just nothing.
* Memory / experience is hardly being trusted.
* There is certain sense of grieving / mourning loss of self (may be). Dukkha seems to be back again. Painful, sad , bottom scrapping types. Caught by surprise by this endless supply of Dukkha.  But thers is strong sense of impermanence of these feelings.
* There are energy jolts, squeezing / contractions - just lot more subtle compared to earlier.
* Sense of confusion and indifference / disinterest. 
* There r times when Stream Entry (even meditation) is in focus then its all lost , its like last year of practice hardly matters or nothing really happened. But then sometimes its all there is to Life.
* Tendency to blame anyone else has reduced significantly. Feelings r very neutral if not entirely compassionate towards Parents and other people towards whom there were grudges in past.
* Changes in personality observed - Sense of letting go lot stronger than sense of collecting / holding on. Felt very sad about the book collection but realized that it has to be reduced (if not entirely given up) , thats the only way forward.


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
10/30/19 12:11 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
* Sense of being stalled, just not being able to make progress / see something is there.
* Random electric currents keep running thru different parts body at random times. Neither painful nor pleasant , they just are.
* Exploration of sense of observer happening. Where / who is the observer ? what is the vantage point ? 
* Getting a sense of awareness being part of experience so no special obsservation needed (So again where is this observer ).
* Starting to see mind slapping stories on top of experience to make sense of it. Who r these stories being told to ? Who needs to make sense of the happenings (May be mind itself)? All the reality is filtered interpretation of sensory input.
* May be some amatuer attempts to change the focus / point of observation going on. 
* Strong intention ( efforts ?? but then who is putting effort ?) to just see behind the curtain exists.
* Some of these insights r more intellectual but somethings r being felt lot deeper beyond intellect.
* Someone blamed me when there was a genuine attempt to help and there was no anger, only compassion towards the person. Similarly someone made a undeserved negative remark and there was no resentment just a feeling how much sadness / negtivity in life for them to be mean to others.
* A few times during practice felt lot of heaviness / energy  in head, sense of body minimized. Everything concentrated in head. Once or twice head felt like volcano, energy oozing out from top at that point sense of most of the skull was gone.
* many times visual field goes out of focus.  can physically see but sense of seeing gone. sometimes black and white dots ( TV without signal) overlap what is being seen. Sometimes transparent dots r falling. many times there is sense of everything falling gently thru void arises not in terms of seeing but also sense of body. Exploration of knowing beyond seeing or feeling (not intellectually as in thoughts) also seems to arise mant a times.
* Got a sense that meditation is just a tool being used to know the things as they are. Tweeking of the tool / how it is being used may be needed based on state of mind, karmic background.
* Spontaneous metta arises lot more frequently. Overall sense of purification, feeling lighter.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
11/6/19 6:43 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
* Was listening to a talk about "Love and Emptiness" and started crying , so much emotions and Metta. Pain is a quality of body , similarly mind behaves according to its dharma, aversions towards pain of existence just went another shade lighter , a little more metta and gentle acceptance.
* Intellectually believe in idea of Rebirth (Hindu) but somehow got a visceral sense of this life or that life, family in this life vs other lives, friends / enemies ( not any) everything and everyone comes and goes. No point grasping on to anything. Saw images of 2 close family members but they felt like strangers emotionally.
* Saw self identifying with country, family, personal story and it clicked that it was identification , impermanent ( a choice) and not intrinsically self.
* Read someone's experience regarding Stream entry and 500 hours in Equanimity wandering around were mentioned, made me laugh ( Similiar story here) and mention of A&P feeling like Dry toast compared to Straem Entry, again laughter - made it very clear haven't crossed the bridge.
* Sense of effortless awareness instead of a particular observer is starting to make more sense.
* Some rashes continue to appear on neck, feels like impurities/ pain draining out.
* Heaviness in head and sense of body fading is experienced quite often.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
11/17/19 10:43 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
* Rashes on neck come and go (Feel like detox symtoms). Yesterday suddenly rash on face came up, just observed the burning sensation, passed away but not entirely.
* Life felt like multi-sensory video game ( vsiuals, sounds, touching, feeling, awareness, taste, time, place all inclusive) but no real life behind it. We keep jumping from one role to other.
* Manage to have Metta for people who cheated financially and caused lot of emotional stress.
* Have been  exploring experience of seeing. Even when eyes are closed (so images r created by mind) still the images always come in front of eyes, not back of head or sideways. Its just conditioning ??
* Also exploring of leaning into future or past is happening. While practicing there was some random song playing in head . There was realization that it is the present moment, as real as it is going to get, No point looking forward to a better mental state or stream entry or having any sort of aversion towards lack of concentration or childish behavior :-) . Just complete acceptance of whatever is arising. Anyway impermanence makes it non-substantial so there is nothing like good/bad , right/wrong, happy/sad it just is. has arisen, will pass away.
* Strong feeling of no future dreams or goals arising. No control over future, no point of wanting this or that to happen. 
* While a sitting was in a contracted state , the thought of complete acceptance and no real difference between contraction and expansion arose and suddenly the state was not contracted any longer. Acceptance untied the bonds when accepted the bonds without aversion.
* Tendency of head-ache, pressure on head reduced significantly. Head does not feel contracted any longer.
* Even though don't have a clear sense of stages of insight but feel like most of the times its Equanimity. Sharp Edge of Dukkha has passed away. Sometimes experience flashes of fear ( and disgust, some ugly scene/feeling)  which r quickly gone, assume must be crossing that stage of insight.
* sense of observation is not as solid, don't identify as strongly with observer any longer. There is curiosity about phenomenon but obsession to observe everything in extreme detail is weakened. Don't feel the responsibility to observe, the need to do anything. Observer is not in control either. ( Awareness is intrinsic quality of phenomenon, Self is not there/needed to observe)

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
11/21/19 10:36 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Interesting sit this morning :
* Yesterday watched a video of Bhante Vimalaramsi , his points regarding relaxation and Metta made sense.
* Was slouching on sofa reading something on DhO when suddenly visual field started to kind of move back nforth and going in and out of focus. Slowly put the phone aside, just being in the state. Then there was inspiration to straighten up, sat cross legged, clossed the eyes and session started without any intention or plan. Its like something / somebody ordered to meditate.
* Slowly body was very very still ( that kind of stillness is rarely observed), feeling that layer of body was almost frozen This resulted in being able to observe the activity/movement/unstillness of mind somewhere deep inside in gut like a dot.
* No aversion against the thoughts/activity of mind, just observation, even curiosity was mild.
* Reminder of some task to be done arose, very slowly opened the eyes but they promptly closed again at their own accord.
* After sometimes eyes opened and very slowly sense of body returned, took some time for hands to move and it was like oh yeah, here are the hands.
* Wonder what these zoned out kind of phases are. While writing this note, experience is arising again. Time to re-explore ( or follow the intentention to meditate ) .... 

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
11/24/19 10:50 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Some random experiences :

* While sitting in a restaurant, felt like being thrown back /pushed/jolted and then back to the position. There was microseconds of not being in control / emptiness. Then a few seconds of dizziness then all normal.
* Listening to a link mentioned on DhO regarding Karma and state of mind/body altered. Visual field going in and out of focus (lost ineterst in seeing) , stillness and emptiness, felt like sliding into meditation. These days randomly feels like (I am) falling into medittion, not forced or harsh very smooth.. effort is needed to get self out of the state, not to go in.
* Some insights keep popping up --
---- realized even though craving have reduced but still so much attachment towards body (as a tool to provide sensual pleasures ?? ), craving for body to be healthy, strong, light etc. . 
----Certain pride /conceit regarding intelligence , practice etc. . With so much identification/ attachment with body/mind realized that self identification is strong , stream entry is some time/effort away.
----Lack of control was clear though and felt no need to fight /control the entanglement and just observe. Felt like just the awareness loosened the knots .
----Realization that identification with pain and story of victimhood was bigger cause of pain than other people's actions . It was choice to react the way self did and choice to hold on to painful memories.

* When itches arise , awareness of aversion arises before aversion and inclination to scratch.
* For the first time got certain clarity regarding difference between concentration and insight practice. An understanding how concentration helps in insights being more subtle. 
* Most of the times Metta arises towards whichever living beings attention goes and touches.


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
12/19/19 10:35 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Very hard to log the practice. There is certain sense of shame (?) , humility and feels like there is nothing to share. Anyway here is second / third attempt :

* First time experienced the feelings / intentions below the words / thoughts. Felt so simple hunger/fear / craving / aversion are experiences, words or thoughts are approximate stories at best and not the reality. While noting could acknowledge / note experience without actually verbalizing and could differentiate between the two.
* Slowly identification with visual of self is reducing. Still recognize self in mirror but somehow its less sticky/ less personal.
* Body feels lot more empty / shell like. Mostly feels like energy is cruising around, there is no blockage or resistance. It also seems to be shrinking / expanding or squeezing. Gentle vibrations everywhere. This is most of the time, not just during practice.
* Few moments when saw image of self and not sure which side I was.
* Lot of black and white symmetrical patterns are observed with closed eyes, specially if eyes are rubbed. They seem to be rolling / spreading out.
* Get a feeling of being in a tunnel moving in or out.
* Pressure in head and headaches but hardly any suffering due to physical pain.
* Have been very relaxed about practically important events happening in life.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/6/20 3:39 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
* Starting to understand the extent of attachment to Self. Not just the body, mind but things like gender, religion, country , skills ... ideas like my books, my kids, my choice, my stories, even my vulnerabilities ... Selef or I/me/my has its claws everywhere which wasn't easily visible or awareness was missing.
* Craving for food is coming to surface (being observed little more clearly), its quite inetersting. craving for food, sense pleasures, comfort ... so many layers so much drama to keep the "Self" strong and spread out (feels like so many roots going so far n deep).
* Lot of insights seem to be arising and getting dropped very quickly, its like no intention to hold onto insights, feelings, emotions or newer stuff arising. Old stuff is stilll entrenched deeply, surprised to see the extent of entanglement when there is a sense of not having cravings towards material stuff.
* Sleep is becoming harder to come by. Once asleep, hard to wake up.
* Body fees very light n empty - almost shell like. 
* Intention / desire for good stuff like health, generosity , even "Stream Entry" seems to reducing. Acceptance towards "Bad stuff" like unskillful behavior, low productivity , lack of Metta towards people who caused pain in past is increasing. A sense of things not being good or bad but just "being" is increasing. Judgement going down.
* Past feels ages  ago , previous years feel like previous lifetimes since it is truly gone so not much difference if it was 10s of years or 100s of years ago. Memory is very murky and impermanent anyway.
* Little more clarity in seeing leaning towards stories or past and dreams of future. Awareness of present moment is increasing. Nothing too see, to do, nowhere to be ... just a flow one state to other, nothing permanent, satisfactory, nothing to hold onto. Since nothing is satisfactory, everything is fine. 
* Curiosity to know everything , see everythig, getting a confirmation regarding stage of insight is starting to seem childish. What is, Is ... does the self need a front row seat for it , not necessarily . Just being aware of what is in front, right now is fine.

Metta .

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/6/20 6:03 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Sounds really good ADA. The road to SE is more like a plane landing, not like a firework. Most people think it's going to be like a firework, with a big explosion of light and sound at the end, but actually towards the end there is a sense of slowly losing speed, gliding, gliding, gliding, a feeling of being close but nothing that you can do... and then almost a surprise when the wheels touch the ground.

So letting things slow down, spending more time in just the present moment, having nowhere to go... that's a good approach. Sitting and very gently wondering big things like "what is now? what is body? what is mind?" is enough effort, almost like daydreaming. Letting yourself get pulled into concentration states if the mind wants to go there is good, too. You can trust the mind, it knows where to go. It's taken you this entire way already. It's smarter than you.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/7/20 7:50 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Gratitude for your kind encouraging words Shargrol.

Hard to find a self to trust mind. Its a day dreamy state overall between observer and mind, practice and daily life. Kind of like slowly rolling down the hill, no fear, no control, no resistance. There is momentum taking somewhere , do not know beyond that. (Who does not know ?) Inclination towards feelings instead of clear words , thoughts and stories. There is feeling of Okayness with everything. recently a personal piece of clothing was stolen/misplaced by iron lady and there was no anger or ill feelings ( surprised by it).

Gong to Panditarama Lumbini centre for a 10 day retreat in 2 weeks. Husband expected lot of enthusiasm but somehow its fine to be going and would have been fine not to go. reaction to lack of dinner and long sittings (hard experiences during previous retreats ) might be inetersting to observe.


RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/7/20 8:29 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
The retreat sounds great and I hope you go. Equanimity has a strange way of sometimes convincing ourself that practice or retreats really aren't necessary anymore -- but that's sneaky Mara talking emoticon Sometimes there can also be a little freak-out where fear comes back again, but no big deal --- you know that these kinds of fears are just a tiny dog barking, all bark and no bite.

Just try to gently follow the practice schedule on retreat. You're like a ripe fruit ready to fall off the tree. No need to think of it as particularly special... just one more ripe fruit ready to fall off the tree...

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/8/20 6:39 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thanks for your kind guidance Shargrol.

Travel arrangements have been made so if something upexpected does not happen, will be going.  A friend (Who has been helping me and practicing a lot longer than me but not Noting ) recently came back early from a long  ( 4 week) Mahasi style retreat. He recommended me to cancel the retreat since my practice is very new. His point of view is that practice done without joy is not good. Joy does not come naturally to me , peace, Metta and Equanimity is all that arises. Do not practice with expectation of joy or ease of practice.I just sit thru whatever arises  - pain, ugliness, lack of concentration, agitation and sometimes sessions filled with looking at clock. Inclination is still to go but any guidance would be highly appreciated.

Formal sessions may be irregular but practice continues everyday atleast before sleeping. Manytimes strong motivation to practice does not arise but need to practice is never entirely gone.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/8/20 10:09 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
It's good to pay attention to people's advice that know us well and really consider it. I'm only able to guess at things, since all I have are words on the internet... I agree that joy or at least kindness is important. It's very important to be kind to oneself and not have an attitude that causes harm to our mind or body.

Equanimity should have a flavor of kindness, ease, and space. False equanimity is often actually aversion and indifference.

How about using the retreat to also explore whether you have true equanimity or false equanimity?

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
1/9/20 12:59 PM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
Hello ADA,

I have been following you for sometime now. I must say your presence and practice is pretty inspiring to me. How often do I get to see a woman of your age (I see that you have a college-going son) from India, being the only meditator at home, interested in Maps and enlightenment and stuff, practicing consistently and having a practice log on a non dogmatic forum such as this? Almost nill.
I am from India too, and I know how big a deal it is. It is wonderful to see you.
I wish you the best for your upcoming retreat.

I have been to Panditarama Lumbini. In case you are not aware, please make sure you don't use map terminology, and also other terms like Jhana, Stream Entry, DhO, MCTB. Because of their past experiences, they don't seem to have a good impression on Yogis having a DhO background.
Best wishes.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
3/23/20 1:03 AM as a reply to tamaha.
Hello Everyone.

Thanks for your kind words Tamaha, just saw them today.
As far as updates go - Did goto Lumbini for 10 day retreat, by the time was getting out situattion regarding Corona really flared up (centre updated us during retreat). Daughter is in China (has been for last 6-7 months) so everything went fast. With son's exams , upcoming move (which has been indefinitely postponed now with with India being in a lockdown) was busy. But there was something about retreat.
* Ven. Vivekananda is a great teaccher and felt like he kind of guided me thru stages of insight in great detail.
* Had oneness with Universe experience , sense of gratitude for just being in such clarity , developed friendships with plants n butterflies around ( Very beautiful A&P I know) .
* The discomfort of just rising and falling of abdomen, such crystal clarity.
* Learnt to focus on simple rise n fall of abdomen instead of chasing fancy thoughts, emotions, thrill of different experiences.

Will try to share review of Lumbini Centre / experiences in greater detail but somehow after coming back from centre formal practice just fell down to zero. Even though there is awareness but somehow no motivation and not pushing to do it just observing the disinterest (??). There is still focus on abdomen, awareness of emotional state just out of sheer habit. Did not visit the forum for 2+ month ( when I was checking every 1-2 days before retreat). Not sure what changed but do ot feel the need and entitlement to know and understand everything.

With such stressful situation - Move and exams being postponed, severe financial losses, uncertainity ... its hardly making a dent, No song and dance but I could very well be casually whistling. Ven. Viveknanda pointed out that have a strong inclination to intellectualize everything, may be Intellect is the first ( and strongest) filter I see the world thru.

Will share more to the extent I can.

Metta to all.

RE: Practice Log of Anicca Dukkha Anatta
3/23/20 11:04 AM as a reply to Anicca Dukkha Anatta.
There is still plenty of "I" left to worry (or not) about the "personal" problems. Well the observer is observing. So much pain and suffering for so many people around the world .... certain mix of Dukkha and Metta arises.