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Cognitive, verbal (dys)function

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Cognitive, verbal (dys)function
5/11/19 1:04 PM

Currently realising impaired cognitive and verbal function in day to day interactions such as being able to keep up in a conversation, keep track of reading materials, remember vocabulary, or keep a logical, pointed discussion without it scattering and diverging aimlessly. Whether this has always been the case and I am only recently becoming aware is unclear. Whether it's the effect of social isolated is probable. Essentially my brain feels dense, akin to Teflon- nothing sticks (being 25, I can only pray it is not an early onset of Alzheimer's). I have what feels like zero motivation, social skills (marked by intolerance and edginess), coupled with feeling incredibly fragile or afraid of being seen with low self-esteem. The latter probably resulting from potential traits of personality disorder, for which I am receiving professional mental health support. Former could be a result of meditation-induced trauma. Insight, support and advice from anyone with lived experience in problem solving the former aspects would be very much appreciated. 

Many thanks in advance. 

RE: Cognitive, verbal (dys)function
5/11/19 6:00 PM as a reply to Q C.
There is not enough information to pinpoint the cause. It could be the onset of schizophrenia with mainly negative symptoms manifesting. It could be an allergic reaction to mold exposure. It could be the result of poor diet, not enough DHA, vitamins, mineral imbalances, sensitivity to intake of PUFA, poor sleep, sleep apnea, chronic stress, ADD, histamine intolerance, sensitivity to gluten and casein exorphins, etc.

You have to do a lot of research, try out various supplements and diets, to figure out the issue. Stay away from prescription pharmaceuticals. Each has side effects which will cause more problems. Do not watch porn or masturbate. 

Try cutting out all gluten, dairy products, processed foods to start. Try fasting for 36 hours and then introduce foods one by one to troubleshoot. Start with boiled, peeled potatoes. 

RE: Cognitive, verbal (dys)function
5/11/19 9:47 PM as a reply to Edward Prunesquallor.

Thanks for your response.

I should specify- more so looking for people who've been through something similar and are open to sharing their experience and process including what they thought they were going through, diagnosis (if there was one), steps they took relevant to their experience and even rational for the method they used. 

If it was schizophrenia my mental practitioner would have diagnosed it (also I do not think it's ethical or moral on your behalf for such a conclusion to be supposed) and blood tests are normal. 

From your suggestion it sounds like you would approach it from a lifestyle and dietary perspective. Is this something you've experienced personally? What's influenced your suggestion?


RE: Cognitive, verbal (dys)function
5/12/19 2:00 AM as a reply to Q C.
When you say this might be meditation induced, what experiences, practices, theories, maps, or symptoms lead you to that possibility?

RE: Cognitive, verbal (dys)function
5/12/19 6:16 AM as a reply to Daniel M. Ingram.
Around October 2017 I had quit an internship in healthcare and spiralled briefly into depression. I decided to attend a 10-day Vipassana retreat. I remember working intensively and sat through 5-hour sitting on day 8 without moving, which brought some insights into anger and transmuting fluids in the bodily system. A story which I thought I heard during discourse triggered deep seeded sadness (although the story I thought I heard was not the story told). On day 10 when noble silence was lifted, I remember needing to let go of and allow the peace and calm I felt throughout the noble silence sink into the core of the self instead of clinging on to it. On the drive home, I remember feeling more sensitive to the lyrics and tempo of music I was listening to. Generally speaking, I felt ok within myself. Upon arriving home, I found out my housemate had been sick for the period I've been away, which lead to cleaning up the house ie. mopping floors, putting on some music as well as setting up a vapouriser (I'm only elaborating these points because they feel relevant later on in the story). 
Later that evening, I decided to chat to a friend of mine who’s also attended a Vipassana retreat to touch base and share the experience. The conversation lead to an over-identification with fear-hate driven ego in an attempt to made a point or arrive at an understanding of how it motivates people to commit crimes against humanity, and I felt shaken by the experience- quite literally. I remember feeling angry and fearful, reminding myself of the '5 friends' ie. faith, effort, awareness, concentration and wisdom in order to ground myself. I remember crying and physically shaking, putting a Tibetan chanting album (I remember recommending to a friend earlier that year) on the equipment I had set up for my housemate, as well as putting on the vapouriser. This helped realise the principle of karma as 'cause and effect' ie. I had set up the environment to help my housemate which ended up being of my own benefit. I thought I reached some form of an enlightened state of being, and I felt like I had to carefully choose the clothes I slept in because of the colour of certain materials would protect me.
The morning after I didn’t know where I would go because I did not have plans, but I knew I needed to ground myself with grass. I remember having to make every little choice consciously from the clothes I wore, to the things I would carry with me, everything I chose had a reason or meaning behind it. Including the route I took, which lead me to a park I had visited earlier on in the year with a person I was dating. I remember lying down on the grass praying for help and receiving a call from the Vipassana centre I had contacted the evening before who explained or alluded to post-retreat effects and dukkha nanas. I remember desiring to meet this person I had been dating and willing him to get into contact through telekinesis or something, I don’t know, and giving up because I realised we never communicated or we weren’t ‘connected’. Then linking it to the pain of longing for an absent father as a child.
Anyway, it lead to a walk in the city, and going to a library because I remember feeling confused and I remember saying I could not see and libraries held knowledge and insight. I then realised I needed to get in touch with people who could help me see which lead to getting in touch with a leader from my local ISKCON temple who managed to calm down the storm and help realise what I was going through, which he explained as an existential crisis and normalised the ordeal (dragged me out of the grandiose sense of self and thinking I was enlightened). After the initial event, there was a great hollowing sensation, a realisation of emptiness, fear and the meaninglessness of it all and the desire to drop everything to join monastery or temple (which I noticed replaced thoughts of 'killing myself' however jokingly, which a few people talked me out of). Managed to find part time job in my specialty and work towards finishing studies. But the internal emotional distress was immense throughout the year, characterised by deep hollowing sensations of fear and anxiety in the background. I was also in a brief romantic relationship with someone who I didn’t feel like had my best interest and was attempting to gaslight my reality, at the same time I couldn’t let go for fear of being abandoned. The event lead to a realisation I had to go back into therapy after a suggestion I might have traits of BPD.
A lot of the fear and emptiness has since dissipated, and my emotions seemingly regular aside from being easily agitated by people who make subtle but disparaging remarks.
Since that time, I’ve felt even more aware of the anxiety I had when conversing with people, the inability to retain information or make sense of what’s being read, and decreased ability to choose the right words to convey myself.

As I'm writing this, the event could very well be the initial episode of many future schizophrenic/psychotic stress-induced events. I like to think otherwise, because I am too aware of the likelihood of a second, or third etc etc after the first. 
EVEN if it is, I'm determined to manage it and also keep a profession. Thus my reason for posting. How do I tease out whether it was spiritual or meditation induced or if it is mental or psychotic in nature?? 

RE: Cognitive, verbal (dys)function
5/12/19 6:49 AM as a reply to Daniel M. Ingram.
I'd like to add, I've since attended another Vipassana retreat in Kyoto, Japan late 2018 (which was rather trauma-sensitive since the centre's arrangement did not allow deep insight practice). I did go through another unnerving event recently (detailed in another thread) due to life circumstances and characterised by kundalini/piti arising and passing away which then plummetted into 2 months of depression along with a sprained ankle from which I'm currently recovering.