Tell a lie, I had read it, but a long time ago.
Sobering stuff all together. It has been a hell of a ride that last 10 days or so, and my skeptisism about stream entry has been rather washed away by the intensity of it all.
MCTB:
wait a year and a day before completely making up your mind.
Sounds like good advice. After all, its not as if my wishes in the matter make any difference, I either got path or not. In either case life goes on.
MCTB:
However, if one’s “realization” doesn’t stand to the test of time, or if there is not some sort of fundamental and unalterable reduction in suffering, write it off and keep going.
The trouble is its way to early to judge this. Its difficult to conduct any kind of review of the process when every day a new waves of "insight" break. If all this is mind generated noise, then it's being very effective at stopping me practicing in my normal way or intensity. If I practice too precisely, things can take a turn for the odd, sometimes not, its difficult to know. On a couple of occasions strong practice seemed to lead to strong insight. Maybe an illusion, but I don't feel like I'm in a position to judge. But I do remain oddly unconcerned. I have been very pleased with my mental stability through all of this. Life will go on no matter what my attainment status is.
MCTB:
Even if one does complete a progress of insight, it is easy to imagine that more has been debunked than actually has, so continue to practice training in morality throughout your life as before to avoid being bitten by those unskillful potentials that remain but are hidden. Strangely, the temptations to screw up can become more subtle and seductive as practice deepens. These tend to be at their worst around the next Arising and Passing Away or during the next Re-observation.
Trust me when I say that I have kept this very quiet in my daily life. I save all my enthusiasm for this forum. Nobody knows what may or may not have happened except one Buddhist friend who appears to have, thankfully, forgotten all about it. Years of therapy have trained me to recognise the boundaries between "safe" places to express your self and "less safe." I hope people will let me know if my boundaries are not appropriate. Also, years of illness showed me that people don't really care about your internal processes. They just want you to behave in a way they regard as reasonable and responsible. When I think about it, I'm no different. All I want is a quiet life too.
MCTB:
The meditator masters this stage of awakening by continued practice as before. They can quickly learn to rise through all of the stages, starting from the Arising and Passing Away, through the Dark Night, up to Equanimity and Fruition in a single sitting or even during some of the activities of daily life. Merely sitting down on a cushion, or being awake for that matter, will involve naturally moving through these cycles, though the speed and clarity of these can vary widely depending on the practitioner and circumstances.
This has been a surprising feature of the process. Reading this forum, most of people's experiences seem to relate to retreat, or at least practice, environments; mine are often "off the cushion." I have done lots of cushion time over the years, 20 years is quite a stretch, but very early in my practice career, the notion of practicing off the cushion always just seemed like common sense. After all, enlightenment, I assume, happens in every moment no matter where you are or what you are doing. It just seemed like common sense to start immediately. Plus my lifestyle has never allowed me to develop any kind of sangha or teacher relationships. So I've done my own thing a lot of the time. This has had catastrophic consequences on my formal meditation skills and my book learning is weak by any measure. But also, I have had no peer pressure to condition my expectations.
So when suspected fruitions occurred off the cushion, this felt was normal and natural, also moving up through the stages off the cushion also seemed natural. Maybe I'm wrong, perhaps the process is not, in fact, as I am perceiving it. I hope not, but as I say, life goes on.
This basic ignorance has had an interesting impact on my approach to life after my suspected SE, I had no pre-conceptions. I had read very little about path or post path experiences. I was much more concerned with getting my practice disciplined and solid. SE was a total surprise. I thought maybe something was "on" but I was also rather skeptical. I saw a window up till Christmas when life is scheduled to get in the way, and went for it. But I only gave my self a 30% chance. Good training for the next push, I thought.
So my approach to these experiences has been one of awe, wonder, and total ignorance. This has its advantages and disadvantages. Which is which, is very difficult to tease out at the moment. In truth I'm looking forward to the dust settling a little. I thought that some clarity was emerging a couple of days ago but that has proved not to be the case, but I'm sure things will settle soon. Seeing any durable changes over a longer period will be an interesting process.
Bruno, thank you for referring me to this section of the MCTB, I have a lot to think about. I don't know if you had anything particular in mind when you mentioned this, but I would be very grateful if you could direct me to the particular bits you may think I need to read.
Thanks again
Howard
