Initially I found it difficult to experience a PCE/EE while parenting or to maintain one if I was in that space upon the commencement of parenting. (I am divorced and share 50/50 custody w/my ex, so I have what seems like quite a lot of "solo" time.) But I started going for walks with my daughter around sunset and this was a helpful integration of "parent" mode and pce/ee mode. In fact, while on one of these walks, the way I saw her really shifted. I ceased to see her as "mine," and so there was really nothing to "do" in terms of shaping her behavior. Approaching her in this way has destabilized much of the usual parent/child tension. It is really so simple...I just let her be. I am sure the parents who read this will cringe and maybe that will be perceived by some as uncaring or irresponsible, but analytically speaking, I would have to disagree.

I think being in that mode makes me a much better parent. In much the same way that when I am in that space I don't feel a centralized identification with "Stefanie," I also don't feel that identified with my daughter. I also see her as something "happening" so nothing she does can anger me (including say, "I hate you," or smearing BBQ sauce on the couch) because while I am in that space she can't really insult "me," or make me upset about "my" couch.

Lately she has picked up the habit of spitting (she is 4, btw) while at summer camp from some older kids. And of course I've told her repeatedly not to spit, but she sort of ignores me. I tell her not to spit not because it irritates me, but because I know this is a violation of social norms and I need to instruct her. There is no passion in my instruction, it is very rote actually.

Scene:

Child: spits.

Mother: Sweetie, don't spit.

Child: Ok.

(Some tme later.)

Child: spits.

Mother: Sweetie, don't spit.

Child: Ok.

(Repeat ad nauseum.)

End scene.

When I went to pick her up at my ex's house, she spit, and he flew off the handle and I was kind of watching him, her, the spit, etc. etc. unfold and he was like "Hello?? Aren't you going to do something?" So I just turned to my daughter and looked her in the eye and said, "Please, don't spit anymore." (Of course this had no long term results.) But I have a very good memory of childhood and of having had an abusive, very reactive parent. So I know that while 4 year old children will definitely outgrow the habit of spitting, they will quite likely hold on to the memory of an irate (and scary) parent for a long time. A non-reactive attitude, which is my norm, even out of PCE/EE mode, is much better in the long run. I just don't see the super-clingy, overly reactive way of parenting as a good thing.

I have read on this forum some debates from anti-AF people that they think PCE's make one more prone to danger because one wouldn't be motivated to avoid it. Well, yesterday I was in PCE/EE mode and I was at the park with my daughter and another woman and her daughter. And storm clouds rolled in. It was magnificent! They were so dark and gray and fat, and there was a lot of lovely, strong wind, which once the children were assured that no tornado was coming, they relaxed into it and let the wind blow them around. Well, about 10 minutes into this lovely pre-storm activity, lightening struck a tree and an electric line right next to the park. A fire started and the electric line made these bass-like booming noises. Well, my friend that I was with started running away frantically, with her child. (Which was also funny because I drove and had the car keys...but I digress...) I just sort of calmly gathered up my daughter and walked away. She was incredibly shaken up and afraid, and I felt nothing except maybe some intense interest about the sound of two forms of electricity meeting (the line and the lightening). But no one was harmed, or even close to harmed, and it was fine.