My regret

John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
I was a naughty boy since young and often bullied my brother and mother. My brother almost got killed by me during the time we play and he is hurt when we play at another time, and my mother always want to keep me away from my brother because of how I bully him.

I feel regret and remorseful of how I was not a good older brother while my younger brother always look up to me in admiration

I realise that my step is to acquire forgiveness from my mother and brother or at least stay away from them so that I will not hurt them again. While my brother often wanted to help me financially because of how I cant survive on my own and remain unmarried

I dont know what to do, it seems to me that I cant progress in spiritual path until I obtain their forgiveness.
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Lars, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent Posts
John Kenedy:

I dont know what to do, it seems to me that I cant progress in spiritual path until I obtain their forgiveness.

Just as important, you need to learn how to forgive yourself. Try looking into the reasons that you acted the way you did (in a compassionate and empathetic sort of way), and do your best to forgive yourself. It will make it easier to accept the forgiveness of your relatives, and will make it easier to behave more appropriately in the future. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
Lars:
John Kenedy:

I dont know what to do, it seems to me that I cant progress in spiritual path until I obtain their forgiveness.

Just as important, you need to learn how to forgive yourself. Try looking into the reasons that you acted the way you did (in a compassionate and empathetic sort of way), and do your best to forgive yourself. It will make it easier to accept the forgiveness of your relatives, and will make it easier to behave more appropriately in the future. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
I talked to him about it and he says he will only forgive me if i stay alive
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Lars, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent Posts
John Kenedy:

I talked to him about it and he says he will only forgive me if i stay alive

Sounds like a reasonable deal, and its ovbious that he really cares about you.  emoticon

Just do your best, moment by moment and be compassionate with yourself as it works itself out. Metta practises can be a big help in situations like this. If you're still struggling there's no shame in approaching a therapist or someone else who may be able to help.
John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
Lars:
John Kenedy:

I talked to him about it and he says he will only forgive me if i stay alive

Sounds like a reasonable deal, and its ovbious that he really cares about you.  emoticon

Just do your best, moment by moment and be compassionate with yourself as it works itself out. Metta practises can be a big help in situations like this. If you're still struggling there's no shame in approaching a therapist or someone else who may be able to help.


It is easy for others to forgive me, but it is not easy for me to forgive myself

as I sat down in meditation, my mind will struggle around being death as atonement for what I have done. And the reason I have no motivation or loved one to live for simply living over the past deed is because I am such a failure in life that only cause harm to others.

I even insulted my own spiritual teacher who did his best to guide me and I am still having some sort of anger inside me because how he overdid and uses too powerful people when deal with me and causes shock in me.

I am unsure who can I turn to, but when facing myself, it is death over all of other ways, because there is no other way for me who is unmarried and middle age and dont want to procreate and hated the idea of procreation
John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
as I sat down in the dark, I struggle to sleep but when I am asleep, I struggle to wake up.

The dark night is unable to lure me to sleep, but when it manage to do it, the sun is unable to waking me up.

The moon with its transient light shines deep down trembling the surface of my heart, as if it is a calling me to end it once and for all.

I made a phone call to test out my mom whether she will cry if I died, and luckily she knows that I have grown up and can decide things on my own, I realise she is no longer the mom when I was a kid who would hold my hand and bring me around the town.

How remorseful of me because I have no power to give her money so that she can walk around the world, I blame myself over my own incapacity and realise that she and my brother is the last one I would give up for. Because of them I remain alive and nothing seems alluring to me in this world anymore, because it is fated that I remain like this because of how my love is not fruitful.

Over the dead body of my teacher that he is going to sacrifice his own son for me, and it is shameless of me to yearn for his son and how possible a poor guy like me is capable to win the son of a millionaire, I am just asking for the moon.
John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
After living for 35 years old, I realise that my life is nothing much different from being not living. There is nothing more to chase and nothing more to lose other than my last breathe.
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Chris Marti, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 3865 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
I am unsure who can I turn to, but when facing myself, it is death over all of other ways, because there is no other way for me who is unmarried and middle age and dont want to procreate and hated the idea of procreation

Not sure what this means... are you contemplating suicide?
David Kyle Spencer, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 48 Join Date: 11/21/19 Recent Posts
John Kenedy:
Lars:
John Kenedy:

I talked to him about it and he says he will only forgive me if i stay alive

Sounds like a reasonable deal, and its ovbious that he really cares about you.  emoticon

Just do your best, moment by moment and be compassionate with yourself as it works itself out. Metta practises can be a big help in situations like this. If you're still struggling there's no shame in approaching a therapist or someone else who may be able to help.


It is easy for others to forgive me, but it is not easy for me to forgive myself

as I sat down in meditation, my mind will struggle around being death as atonement for what I have done. And the reason I have no motivation or loved one to live for simply living over the past deed is because I am such a failure in life that only cause harm to others.

I even insulted my own spiritual teacher who did his best to guide me and I am still having some sort of anger inside me because how he overdid and uses too powerful people when deal with me and causes shock in me.

I am unsure who can I turn to, but when facing myself, it is death over all of other ways, because there is no other way for me who is unmarried and middle age and dont want to procreate and hated the idea of procreation

Yes, you are lost in the Dark Night. Unfortunately, you didn't post a title more like "Help me! I'm lost in the Dark Night!" You need to do that, right now if possible, so that people here with experience at getting you out of the DK can help you. Posting "My Regret" could be anything, really. Most people would tend to skip over it. 

You say "myself": Your "Self" doesn't sound like it's worth keeping. Have you considered that in terms other than physical suicide, which you appear to be hinting at?

How do you think we came to be here, to embrace Gotama? There is no one here who has not suffered The Dark Night or on the verge of suffering it: I'm in a mini-Dark Night right now, which tells me that something amazing is on the horizon - another rapture, another fruition, Equanimity, the Formless Realms, the Pure Lands and beyond.

You say that your greatest regret is what happened to you brother.

You call your brother.

Your brother forgives you and asks for you to help him.

You agree to help him, and then refocus on how you can't forgive yourself, and that you're middle aged and have ruined your dreams and don't have children.

What happened to the power of your brothers forgiveness? Now your brother's forgiveness isn't enough: Your "Self" wants more.

Why are you still listening to a fractured Self that wants to die? You don't even seem to notice when you say "I can't forgive myself" that you're speaking of two entities, not one: The Self, and the "I" that can't forgive it. 

What is "I"?

Where is it?

What makes you so sure you've got one?

Have you thought to explore this in more detail before you implode under the weight of your own guilt?

If you're a "goner" as you say, then what more can there be to fear? If it's all over for you, then you are free to become anything. 

Please repost your spiritual situation using the term "Dark Night", ask the others here for help. We are here to help others through this. My method of beating the Dark Night might be too radical for you, though; for I would have you move forward fearlessly and discard this useless "Self" you dislike so much, and replace it with something more real. 
John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
Even though somehow I am remorseful over my brother's grief and mother's circumstances but I realise my brother is simply using me as a fallback or an anchor where he can seek help from when he is in need

While my mother is often grieving on her divorce, but subconsciously she is blaming me over how I am naughty when I was young resulting my dad to not believe her

She would often emphasize that my dad is abusive since before my birth, which implied that he turned abusive after my behavior

While regrets and remorseful may sound true, at the same time I can't believe on the weight she and my brother is putting on my shoulder and expecting me to amend for every foolish decision and utterance that they make

While my naughtiness is a result on their constant fear of being poor and abandoned by my dad which they did nothing to improve themselves and earn money on their own to improve their situation

While I have escaped life problems by working hard and saves money, they simply borrow from me without intention to return

Their failed integrity and upbringing get reflected on my naughty behavior which my spiritual teacher corrected it. And so far so good, I have improved a lot and stay away from ignorance of having to rely my life on the hand of others and strive for my own well being

While my mum often expect her children to give her money because how hard she had bring us up. And my foolish brother said that older brother should have more responsibility and simply borrow from me without intention of returning and probably regret over it or baiting for more help by offering help to me now when I am at down period

Both of them is ignorant and simply being led by desire to survive by the means of hurting others. After my brother do not want to pay his debt to me, I decided to go spend all my savings because I know that money is the root of evils which a family member will use such trickery to trick me lending and then turn deaf when I asked back

Such is a chinese culture where they pray for money fortune God and sacrifice away their family members including a woman who gave birth and expect children to be slaving for her retirement

After I know this, nothing seems matter to me anymore, and realise that such a foolish life of ignorant people will never be fulfilled. They will simply procreate and procreate to fill the quota of purging their semen while destroying the lives of their children with their ignorance and incapability to educate integrity and compassion

Their lives will revolve around spending and earning money and be pleased with their material gains and things they purchased. While their children will be educated to have more and more toys and cars or houses which they can't live in and destroy the life of their own siblings by scamming or conning them without a sense of remorse, they did it simply for an assurance to have a creature to get loan from

Such a sad and tragedy life revolving around fear of being exploited and eagerness to exploit others

A truly life of those fools whom live in samsara
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 5316 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I agree with Lars. It sounds like your brother has already forgoven you and sees the good in you. Do you think it would be possible for you to trust his judgement?
David Kyle Spencer, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 48 Join Date: 11/21/19 Recent Posts
John Kenedy:
I was a naughty boy since young and often bullied my brother and mother. My brother almost got killed by me during the time we play and he is hurt when we play at another time, and my mother always want to keep me away from my brother because of how I bully him.

I feel regret and remorseful of how I was not a good older brother while my younger brother always look up to me in admiration

I realise that my step is to acquire forgiveness from my mother and brother or at least stay away from them so that I will not hurt them again. While my brother often wanted to help me financially because of how I cant survive on my own and remain unmarried

I dont know what to do, it seems to me that I cant progress in spiritual path until I obtain their forgiveness.

Can you go back in time and save that boy? Not your brother, you. That boy. He's about to make a series of mistakes that will haunt him for years. 

Can you save him? No. You can't. 

Sad thing about that boy who bullied the other boy: somewhere along the way, that wildcat nature of his got him killed. He died, and the past reaped him. Check out an old photograph of him sometime and then take a long look in a mirror: Are you really that boy? 

No, you aren't. 

You are haunted by your past, but there is no arrow of time that causally connects you with that foolish boy you couldn't save, just artifacts. What you call "past" and "future" are just stories that the Self likes to repeat because it derives its strength primarily from Memory. The only skeleton is your closet is you. 

In truth, there is nothing and no one to forgive, not even "yourself", which can't even reconstruct what was going through that boy's mind without inventing fake details, causes and intentions. You couldn't even pretend to be that boy if your life depended on it, so knock it off already.

Now is all there ever was, and Now is all there ever is, and the only guy screwing up Now right Now is you.

But perhaps you're right, and they don't understand that impermanence is the nature of things, and you should therefore apologize. 

Sooooooooo...what are you waiting for? Now is all there is. Go over there right now and apologize. Just tell the truth: You aren't that person (include "anymore" if you really must.) If you catch hell, stay calm and composed, and explain it again. If they ask for proof by actions, then supply the actions. Do not prolongue the suffering of the World. That suffering includes your own.

"Don't underestimate good,
Saying, 'It can't happen to me."
Water falling, drop by drop, will fill even a
large pot. 
Likewise, the wise man, accumulating good,
little by little,
Becomes goodness itself." 
                                                 - The Dhammapada 
John Kenedy, modified 1 Year ago.

RE: My regret

Posts: 15 Join Date: 12/17/18 Recent Posts
David Kyle Spencer:
John Kenedy:
I was a naughty boy since young and often bullied my brother and mother. My brother almost got killed by me during the time we play and he is hurt when we play at another time, and my mother always want to keep me away from my brother because of how I bully him.

I feel regret and remorseful of how I was not a good older brother while my younger brother always look up to me in admiration

I realise that my step is to acquire forgiveness from my mother and brother or at least stay away from them so that I will not hurt them again. While my brother often wanted to help me financially because of how I cant survive on my own and remain unmarried

I dont know what to do, it seems to me that I cant progress in spiritual path until I obtain their forgiveness.

Can you go back in time and save that boy? Not your brother, you. That boy. He's about to make a series of mistakes that will haunt him for years. 

Can you save him? No. You can't. 

Sad thing about that boy who bullied the other boy: somewhere along the way, that wildcat nature of his got him killed. He died, and the past reaped him. Check out an old photograph of him sometime and then take a long look in a mirror: Are you really that boy? 

No, you aren't. 

You are haunted by your past, but there is no arrow of time that causally connects you with that foolish boy you couldn't save, just artifacts. What you call "past" and "future" are just stories that the Self likes to repeat because it derives its strength primarily from Memory. The only skeleton is your closet is you. 

In truth, there is nothing and no one to forgive, not even "yourself", which can't even reconstruct what was going through that boy's mind without inventing fake details, causes and intentions. You couldn't even pretend to be that boy if your life depended on it, so knock it off already.

Now is all there ever was, and Now is all there ever is, and the only guy screwing up Now right Now is you.

But perhaps you're right, and they don't understand that impermanence is the nature of things, and you should therefore apologize. 

Sooooooooo...what are you waiting for? Now is all there is. Go over there right now and apologize. Just tell the truth: You aren't that person (include "anymore" if you really must.) If you catch hell, stay calm and composed, and explain it again. If they ask for proof by actions, then supply the actions. Do not prolongue the suffering of the World. That suffering includes your own.

"Don't underestimate good,
Saying, 'It can't happen to me."
Water falling, drop by drop, will fill even a
large pot. 
Likewise, the wise man, accumulating good,
little by little,
Becomes goodness itself." 
                                                 - The Dhammapada 

i want to go meet him but some immigration things hold me back

i need to atone for what i have done by being a better brother, at least care about him

and he has long forsaken himself and needs me to take care of our mum when he is gone, while for me i am a goner

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