Hi Gregor,
I would take a break from athletic, achievement-oriented meditation. For the next month meditate no more than 10 minutes of breath counting each morning + evening.
What is the mind’s reaction to reading that? What is the mind’s reaction when you consider following through? Does it dismiss, lash out, rationalize? Does it scheme for other ways to “progress”? Can you see how this causes suffering?
Whether you follow that advice or not, I would also take some time to deeply and honestly think about the root cause for your spiritual quest. When did it start and why? Was it a glimpse of impermanence or no-self? Was it an egoic act to make up for some inadequacy or insufficiency?
Every time I ramped up the seeking in my life it was due to some suffering (stress, loss of “control”, feelings of inadequacy). What are your triggers? How far back do they go? Can you see the inherent suffering?
I'd also take some time to broaden the view and work on psychology a bit. It will pay off later. Brad Blanton’s Radical Honesty and Brene Brown’s TED talks are good starting points.
After a while slowly start ramping up your sitting time. Try to forget the techniques. Just gently relax and be with experience. Use something like Shinzen’s Do Nothing. But really, honestly do nothing. Be mindful of every intention that arises, every thought, every desire. Your mind will soon figure out that the only mental states that are truly satisfactory are those without craving or aversion.
With Metta
