| I'm kind of selfishly hoping that you really are a narcissist, because I want to believe that it is possible for at least some narcissists to admit their difficulties, show some vulnerability and be motivated to work on causing others less harm. More than one of my friends have been severely abused by people with what I would say are obvious narcissistic traits. None of them were diagnosed as far as I know, and none of them would ever willingly undergo any investigation that would possibly point out any problems with them, so they will probably never know whether or not they should have a diagnosis, let alone work with themselves. I do know of one highfunctioning sociopath who is a decent guy although he can sometimes behave like an asshat without realizing it.
I'm no therapist, like Ben, and I'm no narcissist either (they actually check for that when diagnosing other stuff, so I know that for sure), so you should take anything I say with a huge grain of salt, or maybe a cup or two. I do have some experience of needing to build up the stuff that others struggle to tear down because they (humans in general) are trapped by it. I know that it can be very seductive to think that one has advanced more than one actually has, because one never had that thing to begin with. Being autistic with ADHD and Tourette's syndrome, I sometimes come from a very different direction than the majority. There can be some advantages to, just to take an example, already feeling that there are no real boundaries between my body and the world. That's a little less resistance in some limited respect. I think some insights and some states may have appeared earlier to me for that reason, compared to if I would have had more of that particular resistance. Still, it doesn't mean that I get to just skip parts. Just like you describe, I also need to pragmatically build up the very things that I'm also supposed to get rid of. It can seem very counterproductive sometimes. I don't think it really is, though. I'm thinking that there's a difference between building up something pragmatically for specific purposes on the one hand, and, on the other hand, believing that the construction is something more than a pragmatic construction. It's probably wise to clearly distinguish those two processes from each other, though, and keep in mind that they have very different premises - perhaps not unlike how Daniel describes separating between the underlying assumptions of morality work and of insight work in MCTB2.
I'm wondering - when you say that you were going to be your own best therapist, you also acknowledge that there is something ironic and problematic about that. Would you be willing to take the step to actually seek professional help? Both a therapist and a meditation teacher? Would you be okay with making the effort to find ones that wouldn't too easily buy into some lingo that you have learned, but who could really expose your vulnerability behind the defenses? I think that could be beneficial both for your wellbeing and for your practice. I also think it could be very tough and triggering. I guess it could backlash, if the need to escape from it would get too strong. In order to get through it, you would probably need to keep acknowledging your own vulnerability and admit that you depend on others, and reach out for help and support without therefore feeling entitled to support no matter what. You would have to bear with setbacks and keep going even if it would make you feel like a failure, and even if people around you were to lose hope. I'd like to think that you can do it. If you want to, then go for it, I'd say. Just make sure to have proper feedback channels, people around you who can point out to you when are deluding yourself or being an ass - and from whom you could actually take that information without having your defenses triggered too much.
I don't think it's selfish to pay someone to listen to your problems. I think it can be selfish not to do that, because without proper support, you are more likely to cause harm to people around you.
Part of me wants to applaude you for being brave enough to ask this on a public forum. Another part of me worries that applauding would only reinforce unhealthy patterns of building up favorable images of yourself. Hence I feel a bit awkward and don't know how to conclude this. It is good that you ask, though, because these are important questions. I hope it goes well. |