| I have been meditating for around half a year. I was chronically stressed, unhappy, had just gotten out of a horrible relationship (one of many throughout my life) and felt like I was willing to do anything to escape the suffering and unhappiness, the tension that would never seem to leave me.
I experienced many trance like states, as well as strange events that seemed A&Pish after around 3 months, which lead me here. I experienced an "ego-death" like experience briefly where I touched an awareness and realized I was not who I thought I was, I was not my thoughts. Not believing that I was in the dark night, I plunged into it shortly after, only now realizing it as I feel I've left it.
I started to hate meditation, it became extremely difficult. Before there was enthusiasm, excitement, relaxation I had never felt before. Now there was just tension and unease, a sense of pointlessness, that nothing new was happening, that "this was it" and I was utterly unsatisfied with it. Utter frustration. Why could I not escape suffering? The ease I had found before as I sat was gone. As I sat, I suffered. Practice became suffering instead of escape as it was at first. Inability to keep up consistent practice was constant. I would end up crying or swelling up with emotion constantly during practice.
A few days ago, I could not sleep. I spent nearly 48 hours awake. I had been trying to instill discipline in myself for days to get out of my slump, and every day I would watch myself fail in vivid detail. I could see my minds self sabotage at every turn but felt powerless to stop it. I did not even feel I deserved to rest. I picked up "A new earth" and sat in my meditation chair to read.
I had read tolle before, but this time it was different. As I read, I felt "epiphany shockwaves" through my body as I call them. Little jolts I get when something becomes clear to me. As I read his descriptions of present moment awareness something just clicked in my mind.
Something shifted, and my awareness became anchored in the present moment, and would not seem to leave. For the past 2 days since, my awareness has remained anchored. Monkey mind now seems to occupate a minority of my time where this "present moment awareness" is now the majority, where as before it was the opposite, this has been effortless, it just happened. I can feel myself leaving it and getting caught up in thoughts very quickly now, and its like a switch to return that is quite easy to push.
I feel like I'm seeing things with a childs eyes now, without pre-judgement and clear, I've dropped my formations and really "see" things as they are in the moment. It really feels almost like my eyesight has changed and become "clearer" in a way, in seeing the truth of things. I haven't meditated since. I almost don't feel a need to anymore. Is this equanamity? I feel content with this, if this is the fruit of the path, it was well worth traveling. Although a part of me now fears losing this awareness, as I've felt similiar things, but temporary where as this seems almost permanent so far. |