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Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/17/20 3:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/18/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/18/20 12:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/19/20 3:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/20/20 5:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 1:57 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 6:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 8:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 12:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 1:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 1:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 1:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 2/21/20 2:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 2:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 3:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 4:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 4:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/24/20 2:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 10:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 9:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 5:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 4:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 9:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 11:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 1:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 1:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 2:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 5:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 7:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 10:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 2/23/20 1:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 2:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/24/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/25/20 9:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/25/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 4:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 7:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 3:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 6:04 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 1:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 4:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 11:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 9:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 3:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 10:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 11:04 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 1:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 2:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/2/20 4:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 12:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 3:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 4:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 6:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/5/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 2:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/6/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 6:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 7:01 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 10:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 7:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 3:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 1:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 5:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/7/20 6:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 7:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Siavash 3/7/20 8:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 8:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 9:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 8:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 4:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 8:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 12:16 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 8:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 8:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 9:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 9:21 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 11:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 11:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/9/20 1:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 2:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/9/20 10:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 7:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 6:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris Marti 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 1:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 6:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 2:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/12/20 4:14 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/12/20 6:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/14/20 3:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/15/20 6:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/15/20 2:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/16/20 8:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/16/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/17/20 9:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/18/20 5:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/19/20 12:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/19/20 6:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/19/20 8:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 7:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/20/20 9:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 9:25 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/20/20 9:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:16 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/20/20 2:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/21/20 4:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/22/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/23/20 4:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/23/20 4:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/24/20 12:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 8:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris Marti 3/25/20 8:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 8:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris Marti 3/25/20 8:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 9:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 9:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 10:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris Marti 3/25/20 10:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris Marti 3/26/20 6:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 7:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 12:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 9:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 8:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 10:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 11:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 11:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 12:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 9:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 11:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 9:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 9:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 5:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 10:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 3/29/20 4:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 2:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 4/4/20 10:23 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 5:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 4:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 4:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/31/20 4:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 12:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 10:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 2:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 3:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 7:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 3:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 7:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 4:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 1:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 10:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 2:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 4:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 5:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 6:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 6:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 7:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/2/20 8:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/3/20 5:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 hae1en 4/3/20 2:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/3/20 10:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/4/20 3:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 5:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/5/20 12:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 2:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/4/20 6:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 7:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 4:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/6/20 4:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/7/20 1:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/7/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/7/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 1:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 6:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/8/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 6:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 1:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 3:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 3:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 12:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:13 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 1:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/9/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 10:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 11:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 11:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 1:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 2:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/11/20 7:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 7:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/11/20 8:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 10:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 4/11/20 11:29 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 4/11/20 2:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 2:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 4/11/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 4:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 4/13/20 11:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 12:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier 4/13/20 12:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 2:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 3:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 8:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 2:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 11:53 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 6:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 6:52 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 9:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/15/20 10:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/15/20 1:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/16/20 1:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/16/20 1:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/15/20 1:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/15/20 10:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/15/20 3:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/15/20 4:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 4:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 4:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/16/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 2:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 3:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/19/20 12:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/21/20 6:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/21/20 6:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 11:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 3:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Smiling Stone 4/17/20 5:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/17/20 7:23 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Siavash 4/17/20 10:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 5:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 12:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 1:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/19/20 4:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/20/20 3:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/20/20 3:16 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/20/20 10:55 PM
Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/17/20 3:42 PM
There is still this odd mix of on the one hand control-freaky yet unfocused racey and frantic mind, with parallell thought processes and parallell earworms going on, and tensing tourette-ticcing body, and on the other hand this calm space in the midst of it, around it and through it. The dukkha is as obvious as it could ever be but it doesn't really bother that space. There is habitual clenching but also automatic unclenching. There is recurring activity at the top of the head, almost like a gentle breeze. Things pop open behind the nose. There are those melting or raindroppy sensations from my left cheek bone and downward. There's a feeling that meditation is always going on in the background, with sensations of movement dancing around itself (?) and infrastructure refiguring itself (in a gentler way than before). Some instances of agencylessness.Took a nap during the day and stayed lucid for at least part of it. Happy. Something is exhausted but it doesn't feel like me.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/18/20 12:11 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Formal meditation 80 minutes, phenomenology similar to yesterday both on and off cushion.

Fractal cycling is getting more clear. In this reobservation-equanimity-A&P cycling loop, the dominating nana seems to be the subnana of A&P to the reobservation nana. What's that in numbers... 10.4? I recognize this from before SE, but I didn't identify the subnanas back then. It is frantic. Happy-happy but easily distracted and reactive and with lots of tics. If I ever were to develop mania, it would probably be in 10.4. This is why I developed the habit of reclining meditation. I sat for 50 minutes tonight and then lay down, not because I was uncomfortable but because my mind was going heywire. So f-ing hyper! Lying down helps with that. Lying down in my bed, jhanic factors showed up almost immediately. I think I was somewhere inbetween third vipassana jhana and third shamatha jhana. I could then see the subnanas develop. 10.5 was where it was most like shamatha jhana. In 10.6 there was a surge of adrenaline that pulled me up from that depth of still clear water and stirred it around. In 10.7 it was as if that sirring around had also stirred up some mud. In 10.8 there was energetic activity with more fierce vibrations. Then the bell rang. I'm expecting a partner arriving from Stockholm any minute now. I feel a bit guilty (but not that much) because I would really want to continue to meditate. 

After leaving the formal practice, it feels like 10.4 is the default nana again. It is an utterly unstable nana, though, so it fluctuates.

I think that before SE when I used to have severe pain in reobservation, this was during the 10.3. That explains why it was piti that took the pain away. The pain disappeared already in 10.4, not in equanimity as I thought. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/18/20 12:24 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
The subnanas continue to unfold off cushion. I recognize it now. It's amazingly fast. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/19/20 3:43 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Crossposting for the sake of keeping track:

I had a stubborn spiritosomatic headache today. It seems to arise when I feel the urge to meditate more but choose to prioritize differently. I used to think of this as stagnated energy (Kundalini or whatever), which I think in one sense is true but also misleading if I associate that with some power separated from ”me” or within ”me” and yet different from the rest of ”me”. So I asked myself ”Do I really have a headache because energies stagnated as a consequence of not practicing more, or is it because I think I should have practiced more?” After all, energy is intentions and/or beliefs manifesting themselves through the attentional system, or something like that. Thus, the energetic pain is basically a mental blueball phenomenon. That’s just stupid.

I knew this and still couldn’t transcend the pain. That is, until a conversation triggered a memory of when a baby hare mistook one of my cats for its mum and clinged to him for food and comfort. At first he was confused and backed away, which looked very funny. However, later I found the little leveret torn to pieces in my patio. The thought that maybe it thought that it was its mum that did this to it... It breaks my heart. Thinking about this, I felt the kind of nausea that usually means that an insight needs to happen. It was like poisoned mud being stirred up and moving about. I know exactly what to do with that. I deal with it on a strict sensate level. There it is just bubbles arising and popping. So I did, and it dissolved. And what do you know - it took the headache too! Just like that. Just a moment before, the headache was very dense. I could feel the sore points very tangibly, and I could feel it radiating from other points that were stiff. After this dissolving, which took maybe a few seconds, there were no sore points and no stiff points there. It was as if there hadn’t even been any pain there to begin with. The nausea lingered a little while, moving about, and then dissolved too. Then there were lots of clickings and snappings and poppings in my head, making it easier to breath, and that gentle breeze.

It is all so illusory.

And yet one may need to resolve suffering with suffering, just like one needs to resolve a fatty stain with fat, because just letting go is too easy for it to feel possible.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/20/20 5:40 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I treated myself to a two hour long digital gong bath (praise the universe for youtube and headphones) and found that the body knew exactly what to do to dissolve tensions. I could feel it disentangling in a very physical way while also sleep-breathing. There were some dream visions, and each time I identified them as dreams there was this strong light. Tissues connecting muscles and bones relaxed and opened up. Muscle knots dissolved. My hands opened up; they usually close themselves when I think they are relaxed, but now it seems that whatever tissue it is that closes them is starting to relax. Now my left hand crackles when I move it and I feel that blood is flowing more freely. It is the tendon running to the fingers that are crackling. They stand out on the backs of both my hands in a way that I haven't seen before. I could feel that seeping along a line in my face, and when I centered my focus instead of attending to that particular side, the seeping spread. I could feel a similar seeping along my lower arms, and now there are lines there as well, on both arms. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 1:57 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Apart from the gong bath yesterday I did some regular vipassana, yoga, and - when I remembered to do so (it will take patience and diligent work to make this the default approach) - pictured both myself and everyone and everything else as energetic and thus illusory manifestations of the divine (or whatever one wants to call it), and tried to be aware of changes in the screen as I fell asleep in the night and also when I woke up this morning. There were patterns, grainy ones but definitely something along the spectrum of sacred geometry. No lucidity during the night sleep.

The energetic headache revisited a few times. The first time I noticed the though "Why do I still have this headache?", but I rerouted that thought into "Why do I still believe in this headache?" (as something that is solid and mine). That allowed me to see the flow of it and how illusory it is, and it stopped bothering me. I applied that thought every time the headache popped up as something solid, and it worked. 

I'm looking into possibilities of going on retreat within Europe. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 6:01 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
This morning I have practiced the five point position, focusing on stillness, dedication of merit, and the nine breathings of purification as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. That tradition seems to be a reasonable framework for lucid sleep practices and illusory body practices, as well as for understanding my energetic exoeriences, and the Rinpoche seems very approachable and teaches online. If I practice the basics of his teachings, more advanced courses will then be available. I have listened to teachings by him for a while and tried out some of his methods. The symbolic language resonates fairly well with me. Visualization is not my strong suit, though. Thankfully, I think I may actually be feeling the energy channels, at least partly. I know that there are different versions of them, and I find that somewhat confusing, especially sine I also do yoga and some qigong. Mixing the frameworks can be tricky, but I choose to think of it as a reminder that they are all constructions and that all manifestations are illusory (basically magickal creations) - something that I believe applies to medical frameworks as well (those are widely consensual and therefore very solidified). One additional practical adavantage of this framework is that it fits pretty well with other Ribetan practices that I have taken an interest in, such as the teachings of Lama Lena (who talks in a way that I understand), Ken McLeod, Catherine McGee, and also with Michael Taft's nondual teachings, which in turn combine the nondual practice with both vipassana and shamatha.

I still feel like Michael Taft is my teacher, although it was only 10 lessons, so compatibilty with his teachings will probably continue to be a great plus. One of the many reasons I wanted to work with him was that he ties together many different traditions and methods. I want to be able to combine and modify methods in an eclectic way. I want to know what each method does and how it relates to the other ones so that I use every tool for its right purpose. I also want to be able to play with the tools, just not in a way that resembles using a screwdriver as a hammer. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 8:39 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
During the part of the nine breathings of purification that is supposed to breath out attachment and desire, I sensed a taste and smell on the outbreath. It was the same one as I also sensed during Kundalini yoga exercises the other day. The taste and smell was subtle but felt slightly unhealthy. 

This is probably my way of visualizing.

It smelled pretty much like fear.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 9:35 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
That energetic headache turns out to be a pretty helpful meditation object. It pops up now and then, and I tune into the sensate level of it. First  it becomes less solid, as the phenomenon of it is ungraspable. The story of sore spots have been stripped away. Instead there is the feeling that I have been calling nausea, which is more like filthy mud being stirred up. Then I strip away the stories about that, and the vedana. Then what is left is vibrations. Then a new story is often linked together about the pleasantness of vibrations, but that is just as much a construction.  There can be attachment to the pleasantness, and that can cause pain too. I try to let it come, let it be and let it go. There's a freedom in that. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 12:10 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
During the part of the nine breathings of purification that is supposed to breath out attachment and desire, I sensed a taste and smell on the outbreath. It was the same one as I also sensed during Kundalini yoga exercises the other day. The taste and smell was subtle but felt slightly unhealthy. 

This is probably my way of visualizing.

It smelled pretty much like fear.

Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.

---

At yoga class today I felt that energetic breeze at the crown chakra again. It seems to appear at the end of the outbreath. The idea of breathing out throught the central channel and through the crown chakra thus seems to correspond with phenomenology. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 1:05 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:


Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.


A little extract from one of my favourite suttas on this point, with some notes.  This is Dhammadinnah schooling her ex-husband, who abandoned her to follow the dharma.  She thought, damn it, I will too then.  And then totally outpaced him  ...

Culavedalla: "Is passion-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all pleasant feeling? Is resistance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all painful feeling? Is ignorance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling?"

So do you have to be become completley passionless and totally accepting? The answer is, as you already know ...

Dhammadinnah: "No... There is the case where a monk — quite withdrawn from sensuality, withdrawn from unskillful qualities — enters & remains in the first jhana: rapture & pleasure born from withdrawal, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. With that he abandons passion. No passion-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk considers, 'O when will I enter & remain in the dimension that those who are noble now enter & remain in?' And as he thus nurses this yearning for the unexcelled liberations, there arises within him sorrow based on that yearning. With that he abandons resistance. No resistance-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk, with the abandoning of pleasure & pain — as with the earlier disappearance of elation & distress — enters & remains in the fourth jhana: purity of equanimity & mindfulness, neither pleasure nor pain. With that he abandons ignorance. No ignorance-obsession gets obsessed there."

In other words, you only have to get these insights once. To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight -  and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.

Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta.  ANY JHANA WILL DO.  Here is an example from the first Jhana (emphasia mine)

https://suttacentral.net/mn64/en/horner

"Whatever is there of material shape, feeling, perception, the habitual tendencies, consciousness—he beholds these things as impermanent, suffering, as a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction, as other, as decay, empty, not-self. He turns his mind from these things; and when he has turned his mind from these things he focuses his mind on the deathless element, thinking: ‘This is the real, this the excellent, that is to say the tranquillising of all the activities, the casting out of all clinging, the destruction of craving, dispassion, stopping, nibbāna. If he is steadfast therein, he achieves destruction of the cankers; if he does not achieve destruction of the cankers, then through his attachment to Dhamma, his delight in Dhamma, through his utter destruction of the five fetters binding to the lower (shore), he is of spontaneous uprising, one who attains nibbāna there, not liable to return from that world"

Apply this teaching to the jhana factors - the piti and ratpure, or to space without boundary, and see what you find.

:-)

Malcolm

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 1:25 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
Thankyou Malcolm! I will try, as soon as I feel like doing shamatha again. For some reason, I'm not particularly motivated for that kind of practice at the moment. Your advice usually works for me so I'll bear it in mind. Inclinations tend to change anyway, so opportunities will arise. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 1:33 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Weirdly enough, I found I didn't actually have to do shamatha for this. Rather, the insight just came on me as I was walking along, and was applied to my memory of jhana factors.  I suddently understood what Uncle Sid was on about.  I kind of knew it already intellectually, but hadn't really seen it directly for myself.  Luckily I knew enough by then to really wallow in the insight and follow it to related matters as far as I could - to "squeeze the honey out of it".  

So just be open to this insight if it arrives.  Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 2:15 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I did it at the dentist

As in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 2:36 PM as a reply to T.
T:
I did it at the dentist

As in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?

Not exactly, I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space.  This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.

The other example was an account I read from the Thai forest tradition, where out of love for all sentient beings a monk offerred up his arm for all the very many mosquitos to feast on. To me, this corresponds exactly with what Dhammadinnah was saying (and what I describe above) about giving up resistance obsession out of yearning for the dharma.  But the old words need a bit of modern interpretation to be made clear - which is why we have buddha - dharma - sangha.  The sangha can explain the dharma, despite drifts in expression and cultural and literary style over thousands of years.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 3:14 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
curious:
Weirdly enough, I found I didn't actually have to do shamatha for this. Rather, the insight just came on me as I was walking along, and was applied to my memory of jhana factors.  I suddently understood what Uncle Sid was on about.  I kind of knew it already intellectually, but hadn't really seen it directly for myself.  Luckily I knew enough by then to really wallow in the insight and follow it to related matters as far as I could - to "squeeze the honey out of it".  

So just be open to this insight if it arrives.  Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
Good. I think I might be doing that. Right now, piti and sukkha feel like an effort. Like... I don't know if you have ever been in a relationships where cuddling leading up to sex feels so predictable and effortful that one rather just avoids it (it's not like that for me now but I remember it too well many years later). Like one knows the drill too well and knows that it will be over soon (too soon for it to give any release) and then one needs to get washed and it just isn't worth getting excited about it. Shamatha feels like that right now. Except I also remember the time the jhanas just unfolded over and over again until I was so drained that I had to interrupt it by watching netflix, and I really don't feel like going there either, even though it did lead to release, over and over again until it was completely bizarre. It was just too frantic. I know that kind of relationship as well. I said no to that this weekend because I feel the need to be alone and silent and meditate in stillness. Thus I'd rather not do the kind of meditation that would basically be the same stuff. Sorry if I'm being too outspoken. That was the only way I could think of that would explain what I mean.

Right now I prefer the simplicity of just giving awareness the space to be lucid, without doing anything with it. It feels fresh, clean and simple and at the same time so very alive. And so ridiculously familiar. 

I did this guided meditation by Michael Taft, which was very much about that. https://youtu.be/Wi1XqTlCQXY

There were a couple of showers of piti, but they weren't appealing at all. It felt like freezing. 

I'll probably get motivated to do jhanas again, maybe sooner than it feels like. I really do think that awareness enjoys playing once in a while. Not that I think that awareness is some entity with a history and personality. It seems to be born anew in every given moment. The inclination  to explore is just inherent in awareness. I guess if that weren't the case, there would be no awareness. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 3:11 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
curious:

I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space.  This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.


I tried that too early in my practice. It did not work. emoticon

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 3:28 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Poor Polly! It doesn't have to be such challenging pain - anything that provokes resistance obsession will do, as long as you observe it closely enough to see what is happening, and then let it continue to happen but without the resistance obsession.  Maybe cleaning up cat vomit would do the trick if you found that particularly unpleasant, for example - spot the emotion and the contraction, and let them continue to happen without solidifying into an anguished reaction.  That will still require strong concentration - to observe and let some parts of the process happen, without leading to resistance obsession.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 3:31 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 3:39 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I think I may slowly and gradually be on the right track with the intense headache that keeps coming back.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 3:42 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

Apart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
2/21/20 4:27 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

Apart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?

Bzzt!  Thank you playing. Wrong.  It's actually something to do with the flip side of that.

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2/21/20 4:44 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
Okay, good. Because if this was it, I'd be disappointed.

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2/22/20 5:03 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I don't believe the brain fog to be a bad thing anymore. It's just ignorance being stirred up so that it can be aware. 

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2/22/20 5:08 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Whaaaaat... writing the above resulted in a huge shower of piti that dissolved the knots in my muscles leading to headache and now I'm f-ing freezing.

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2/22/20 4:07 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Morning: nine breathings of purification.

Day: an hour of just resting, being in awareness. Head shook itself, hands moved and unclenched, mouth opened itself, and so forth. Lots of unclenching going on.

Evening: about an hour of zhine as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, focusing on the stillness of the body. This feels broader than I usually picture shamatha, but the Rinpoche says that it is a form of shamatha. If so, I have been doing much more shamatha than I have realized. This is exactly what I have been doing all along as one of my default practices. Now that I have been doing some Dzogchen for a while (a beginner's version anyway), this feels very dense in comparison. Broad and dense at the same time. Coming out of it, I almost couldn't see. Focusing my eyes was impossible. During the session, there was a phase when I could not think verbally. There were thoughts going on that I could notice but I could not translate them into language. They were more like textures. I think they had sounds, like talk, but it wasn't recognizable as words. 

Throughout the day I have come back to inclining towards just allowing awareness to be aware of itself and to trying to approach everything as a dream. The latter is hard, though. I really do think that the mind is creating our reality just like in dreams, but there sure is more consensus about the daytime dreams so it feels much more solid. Still I know that it can be surprisingly unsolid. Very dense pain can go away just like that. This reminds me of that experiment I used to do as a child: if someone holds up a pencil in both ends, one can easily split it with one finger if one looks beyond it, to the floor. If one looks at the pencil, on the other hand, the pencil becomes solid and the finger can't go through it. 

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2/22/20 9:26 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
This night lucidity has appeared now and then during the night sleep. It seems to be during phases of light sleep, because excitement about it tends to wake me up. In one of the instances I remember it happening after dreaming that I was meditating. Some screen is involved. The grainy one. The murk chrystallizes into pixels that then form a pattern of sacred geometry. So... hypnopomp lucidity? It has happened several times. Maybe the intention of maintaining lucidity interferes with my sleep.

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2/22/20 11:17 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
And now I noticed myself making active decisions about the plot in my dream, which made it lucid of sorts. Then I got lost in content again but got lucidity back when I noticed that. I decided to write about it here, but I was too tired to actually wake up so I dreamt that I did, but I noticed that I didn't so I woke myself up to do it. 

No skillful usage of the semi-lucidity. I was too caught up in content. I only remember fragments of the content. It had rivalry in it. Weird dream. I wasn't me and the content was very atypical. 

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2/23/20 1:03 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Now I'm not sure whether I just a moment ago dreamt that I woke up and checked the time and noticed that the alarm was to ring five minutes later, or if I just dreamt that I actually woke up and checked. Regardless of which, I was right. 

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2/23/20 1:19 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Now I'm not sure whether I just a moment ago dreamt that I woke up and checked the time and noticed that the alarm was to ring five minutes later, or if I just dreamt that I actually woke up and checked. Regardless of which, I was right. 
Sorry, but which simulation is the real one? Asking for a friend! 

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2/23/20 1:51 AM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I don't think there is a real one, but I guess I'm still treating the consensual reality as more real out of habit.

---

Morning: a short session of nine breathings of purification, resting in stillness, warrior seed syllable A, and dedications of merit to all sentient beings. Soon I'll go to a yoga class, focusing on one of the elements. The schedule doesn't say which one.

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2/23/20 2:38 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I don't think there is a real one, but I guess I'm still treating the consensual reality as more real out of habit
Consensual reality? "We both have truths. Are yours the same as mine?" - Pontius Pilate, Jesus Christ Superstar

Also, refer to mind training - see the world as a dream, or as the fourth screen of the fire kasina. It is the greatest siddhi of them all. :-)

(Edit: by 'it' I mean consensual reality ...)

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2/23/20 5:07 AM as a reply to Not two, not one.
Of course there is no full consensus on anything, but still most people take some extent of intersubjectivity for granted. Social interaction is dependent on it. Pyschosis or confabulation in dementia challenge it and makes people insecure about how to interact. Consensual reality or intersubjectivity can be seen as very powerful magick as it is so consensual that it becomes almost solid, like you said. I wrote that in Siavash's log yesterday. This is actually my research area, although I leave out the magickal framework, at least explicitly. We (the research group) do treat reality as we know it as constantly constructed in social interaction, though. I see no contradiction with the dharma there. 

On my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. That's just beliefs holding "me" back. I took in the details and the richness of it and was amazed by the mind. I usually do not pay that much of attention to visuals, but now when I did, they felt familiar. I probably have seen them but just shut the door to those manifestations for some reason. It sure helped that I have new glasses through which I can actually see more than rough contours. The fact that I'm trying out progressive lenses for the first time added to the experience, as it rendered things less solid and more dreamy - and yet much more solid than last Thursday when they were brand new, which illustrates very tangibly how much of what we see is a construct. 

I lay down to rest about 15 minutes before the yoga class, and I started to melt. The face flattened and melted down, with lots of sensations especially in and around the lips; I suppose that is what people often describe as having enlargened lips. I haven't thought of it like that before. I tend to think of it more like the lips and the area around them are dissolved into an energy field that sort of takes on a life of its own. The yoga class focused on the air element. It was challenging. Sometimes my visual field was pixelated bacause of the strain and because of temporary dizziness. Sometimes there were like bright starts burst out in the murk. Sometimes there was a colored dot/spot in front of me, red or blackish blue. Sometimes it was like a teal haze, sometimes a glowing warm reddish orb, sometimes both in combination. In shavasana at the end, there were purple swirls and some grainy flat patterns. 

It felt like the exercises of the class stirred up and eventually dissolved (?) some mud. That was probably well needed. I didn't feel any smell coming out this time. Maybe I was just more visually tuned this time. 

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2/23/20 7:22 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Once again my eyes were so relaxed during an hour of Dzogchen-type meditation (Michal Taft) that I don't remember how to focus them. Everything is just a blur despite my new glasses. 

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2/23/20 10:08 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I decided to give earth kasina another try and to be less bothered by ideas about what a learning image should look like and what should happen. I sat for 30 minutes, alternating between looking at the clay tray and closing my eyes to focus on the after image. Then I lay down for 30 minutes to just pay attention to what happened in the visual field, bearing in mind that my mind does know how to visualize since it visualizes stuff everyday in the wakeful dream reality. I could rather easily smooth out the clay tray in my looking at it so that diverging details of the surface were sort of photoshopped away. The after image was beautiful, a blue or indogo-colored disk with a bright golden halo. It looked just like an eclipse. To my surprise it actually did transform into something that reminded of the claytray - a terracotta/apricot disc. It wasn't as distinct as I know the red dot of the fire kasina to be, and it never reached that richly detailed version that I have seen in fire kasina during jhana either, and it didn't last nearly as long. However, as I refreshed my gaze at the kasina, a black disc showed up. At least that trajectory was familiar. After the black disc the imagery was less distinct. It was shimmery and vague but at least the murk was alive. In the latter part of the session, when I was lying down, there were the usual flourescent violet swirls but with an overlay of apricot swirling. When that calmed down, I found that I could visualize the claytray pretty well without being disturbed by the murk. I was very relaxed and got into somewhat dreamy territory, and sometimes there was this flash of solidifying that is hard to explain. Like I could have reached out and touched the claytray hovering over me, even though I didn't see it that clearly. Kinesthetically I believed in it being there. 

Something that I like about the earth kasina is how grounding it is. I have had many periods in my life when I have been spaced out and needed to ground myself in different ways. In such periods, I haven't even been able to hug a friend in a swimming pool without my whole body floating up all by itself, and if I have been standing up, my body has become like boiled spaghetti. I have often found myself unable to lift my arms as there was no connection to the body. This has been accompanied by a special form of anxiety that is ungrounded in its nature. Now I'm thinking of this as a tendency to have the earth element dissolved. Grounding really helps, and interestingly enough, even if one buys into the psychiatric framework of dissociation (as I used to do with self-diagnosis), the therapy recommendations are filled with grounding exercises. I find that making it into a ritual, as in some homebaked magick, actually works even better. I don't find that very surprising. Thinking of oneself as dissociative really doesn't help with the grounding. Thinking of oneself as someone who can tune into and work with the earth element, on the other hand, has exactly the right connotations. Stable, firm, grounded, steady, solid, stoic even. It does wonders for my posture and balance. Also, I don't think there is much of a risk that regular sessions of earth kasina will make me too earthy, unless I go for an intense retreat. 

I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way. 

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2/23/20 1:58 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way. 

Chapter 4 of the Visuddhimagga covers the earth kasina. As you mentioned, it's not exactly short but you might find it useful. You can find free PDF versions online. Don't remember where I found it unfortunately.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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2/23/20 2:07 PM as a reply to Lars.

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2/23/20 4:05 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

On my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. 
Exactly!  This is not to deny that there is an underlying reality - something is generating the sense data packets, after all. But it's fascinating to see how our being is contracted around one particular method of intepretating this sense data. And this is not a skilful contraction, because it is inextricably tied up with dukkha/suffering/inherent unsatisfactoriness (or that nagging sense of original sin, if you are a Catholic).

We strive endlessly towards ownership of the 'other', when it is just a phantasm of our minds. Our lives are spent grapsing at smoke. 

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2/24/20 2:31 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.


Maybe it feels like freezing because it is freezing, that is, freezing the moment and the flow of phenomena.

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2/24/20 2:38 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Practice today:

Day: one hour of noticing with all senses.
Evening: 75 minutes of yoga asanas + one hour of pranayama and meditation in a restorative yoga position.

I have booked an 8 day meditation retreat in May here in Sweden but with teachers from Gaia House in England and registered myself as a student at Ligmincha International.

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2/25/20 9:26 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
This morning before waking up I was convinced that I was doing energy work. It involved twisting the wrist of my left arm to remove energy blockages. When I woke up I remembered that I hadn't been able to do the same thing with my right wrist. Now, late afternoon, the same thing happened during meditation. There were lots of kriyas, including twisting my left wrist. It definitely felt like it took away a blockage. I tried to do the same thing intentionally with my right wrist, as it wouldn't happen on its own, but that didn't do the trick. Now my right wrist feels blocked. 

I have done the nine breathings of purification. I sure needed it. This has been a miserable day. I have been feeling completely worthless. It felt like nothing would ever help. I had been to a meeting with a children's psychologist who could no nothing to help my kid. It made me doubt  that meditation would ever do any good too. I wasn't motivated to even try. However, I recognized that as doubt, so I automatically started noting. Somehow, that cleared up the respiratory tract and made things literally click in my head. So I thought I might as well at least do that breathing exercise when I for once had all those feelings laid bare to work with. And so I did. It allowed for some peace to mix in with the remaining grief. Then I did 30 minutes of six different mini-slots. Then I lay down to relax and let the body unclench on its own and the energy body to do whatever it needed to do, which apparently involved lots of kriyas. They scared away one of my cats. 

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2/25/20 3:00 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Being interrupted 30 times or so while trying to meditate on a night when everything feels like shit sure sheds light on aversions. It wasn't hard to find stuff to note. I even got angry because noting worked. It was like the universe was telling me that my kid's wellbeing wasn't important. So then I noted clinging to anger. And anger anger anger. It kept giving me signs that it is working and part of me is still pissed off because of that. 

At least awareness's recognition of itself is accessible. 

I feel thoughts energetically before they have words. Every single one of them changes the energy field.

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2/26/20 4:42 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I'm darknighting hard (potentially PMDD-related). I woke up too early this morning in deep misery, and there was no relief in the dharma. Emptiness seemed empty in a bad way. I would have wanted to die if I had believed that there were relief in dying. A couple of hours later I managed to lay down to meditate. It was hazy and slow but with peripheral clarity. No kriyas. I was cold. It felt like lying on the bottom of a very muddy and sticky pond, sort of, for about one and a half hour. Then suddenly things changed. I can't wrap my head around exactly what happened as it doesn't seem to fit the map, or maybe I just didn't notice the gradual progression of dukkha nanas as it was all just an abyss. Anyway, suddenly there was clarity and phenomena seemed to synch up. I could see inummerable dots of light flashing by, and the body temperature rised so I had to take away blankets. Then it returned to normal-shitty non-pathological low. I don't know if there was a short bounce up into equanimity or down to A&P or if it was just the relief of coming out from the depth of misery and disgust that jump-started me a bit. 

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2/26/20 7:45 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
45 minutes basically comprising of depressive mindwandering and nausea with a few odd showers of freezingly cold piti. Occasional observations of how the mind contracted around stuff and created points that thought they were centers. Instances of spaciousness here and there, accompanied of reality appearing in multisensorial chunks. 

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2/26/20 3:24 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Things brightened up during the day. It may have been the fact that I did the nine breathings of purification on public transports, holding up a napkin and pretending to blow my nose, that did the trick, or maybe the Tsa Lung exercises, or the prospect of getting to do two and a half hours of yoga in the evening. Whatever it was, space opened up and the breath was exquisite. Now I plan to meditate until I fall asleep.

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2/27/20 6:04 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Morning practice was rather dull. 30 minutes divided into sid slots. One observation was that when ideas pop up for me, they tend to do so in a non-discursive way, using a combination of kinesthetic and touch sensations, visuals and smells. A lot of my discursive thoughts are translations from sensorial ideas into discourse. 

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2/27/20 1:42 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I'm trying to summarize my practice after SE in a document. I started it several months ago and then life got in the way. When I reread the summary so far today, I recognized my current practice from the section that I named "stuck in newbie territory" which occurred after the late review phase. It was ridiculously similar. Thus I hypothesized that a narrow focus would work well again, so I decided to try focusing on my breath under the nose. I did so for about 70 minutes, part of which I spent in a light first jhana. Okay then. So maybe I'm not darknighting, but dealing with the 3C nana. That was always a tough one for me. That would also explain all the kriyas and the pain I have been dealing with lately. 

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2/27/20 4:09 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
On the other hand... I'm watching teachings about how our sensory experiences are vibrational, and there are a bunch of people who can't even relate to that, which is clear from their questions and comments. I don't get how it is possible not to notice it. I mean, that's just obvious. So I guess newbie stage is a relative thing. 

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2/27/20 11:15 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I dreamt that I was meditating on the vibrational flow in all sense gates and then I woke up in a light fourth jhana which however faded away. I'm using conventional language with regard to sleep and wakefulness here although I don't really believe in those boundaries anymore. Apparently there are still unconscious thought patterns that believe in the difference, as there is such a difference with regard to what is accessble. Fourth jhana has been out of reach lately, but obviously the unconscious knows how to get there when some processes are asleep. 

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2/28/20 9:32 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I dreamt that I was meditating on the vibrational flow in all sense gates and then I woke up in a light fourth jhana which however faded away. I'm using conventional language with regard to sleep and wakefulness here although I don't really believe in those boundaries anymore. Apparently there are still unconscious thought patterns that believe in the difference, as there is such a difference with regard to what is accessble. Fourth jhana has been out of reach lately, but obviously the unconscious knows how to get there when some processes are asleep. 

It was the fourth vipassana jhana, not shamatha jhana.

---

I followed Michael Taft's newest guided meditation today. I don't find them as frustrating nowadays as I did before. They used to "work" for me so well at times and then at other times I didn't get them at all. Now I understand that I'm not supposed to get them, not the way I thought anyway. They aren't designed to result in trips. During our last sessions he explained to me his view of the difference between vipassana and non-dual practice, and he said that the latter didn't involve the drilling that vipassana does. I'm starting to understand what he was pointing at. And in this session it was clear that I still cling to the drilling. I never thought of it as drilling because that's not how I would have put it, but I can see that there is "zooming in" on sensations going on, and that the zooming in does things to the experiences. Which is totally valid. Nothing wrong with that. But I suspect that it would be a good thing to stay mindful of what it is that I'm currently doing and not confuse methods with each other. Interesting. Different pathways lead to different phenomenology. 

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2/28/20 3:55 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Evening: two hours of shamatha, with varied quality. Second jhana is available again. The nada sound works as a nimitta again. It seems like timing is important. It doesn't work if I start with focusing on the sound. I need to start with the breath and then switch over to the sound when the concentration is strong enough for the sound to manifest as a nimitta rather than empty space. When the timing is right, vibrations in all sense gates synch up. That makes it easier for piti to turn into sound and for the sound to be distilled into light. It makes me think of alchemy. 

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2/29/20 10:02 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Morning: 75 minutes of Vinyasa yoga, 2 h of a combination between yin yoga and restorative yoga. During the shivasana of the first yoga class, there was a blip (impermanence door) right after I had let go of stubborn tics and opened up to the moment.

Afternoon: one hour of what started out as shamatha on the breath but turned into just opening up to the present moment. I forgot all about the breath as glimpses of awareness recognizing itself showed up in all their amazing simplicity. Layers of tensions dissolved. There was another blip. 

I had just accepted that I was going to be stuck in lower nanas for a while. I don't know what to think of this. 

These blips stand out very clearly because of the special sound in the coming back (it's an electronic beep) and the "What the f-uck?!" or disruptiveness of it all. They always come as a surprise. 

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2/29/20 10:13 AM as a reply to Not two, not one.
curious:

To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight -  and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.

Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta. 


I have no idea whether what I described above counts as part of the process you were talking about. It seems too simple. And I wasn't deconstructing any jhana. I just completely forgot about it. 

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2/29/20 12:11 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Did the five Tsa Lung Movements. The one that felt most clearing was the pervasive wind element wind, which wan't that much of a surprise as it is said to clear away blockages for success (I didn't see that until after doing it). I'm a chronic procrastinator with enormous performance anxiety. Seems like the perfect exercise for me. 

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2/29/20 11:04 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
There are structures of bright light in various colors spinning around in my peripheral vision. It happens when I try to watch netflix so maybe it's from processing the light from the ipad screen.

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3/1/20 1:20 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Okay, now I heard a voice in my ear. It was on the threshold between sleep and wakefulness (still can't find better words for it although that categorization is obviously rather arbitrary) so it was probably a hypnagogic or hypnopomp hallucination. The voice didn't say anything comprehensible. It was a male voice and it sounded like American English pronunciation, but it sounded like "thought-ass" or something, haha. 

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3/1/20 2:46 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
My peripheral vision has improved again. Now I can see some details 180 degrees. 

Still too much sense of agency to be anywhere near what third path is supposed to be, though. I'll probably need hundreds of bug fixes before that happens. 

Edited to add: I don't even know what is normal vision. I'm pretty sure that I started out with an unusually narrow and limited visual field.

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3/1/20 4:35 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I just had a yoga class focusing on balance, and noticed that my balance has suddenly improved tangibly too. That has happened before after  fruitions and it didn't last, so I'm not expecting any miracles. Still, it was pretty cool. 

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3/1/20 7:03 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I have noticed that selfing is very much embodied (having Tourette makes this very tangible), and so I'm experimenting with relaxing the body so much that selfing can't occur. Interesting how complete stillness of the body also stills the mind. Also, it tends to get very bright. Lots of popping going on. 

I couldn't tell where my body ended and my cat's body began. 

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3/2/20 4:59 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
My drastically improved balance was back to normal already today. I wasn't surprised. This doesn't feel like a review phase so I'll assume that those fruitions were from an earlier path. I have had a horrible headache today (due to eating a small amount of black pepper; this body is ridiculously sensitive) so my practice today mainly focused on that. I found that it really makes a difference when I manage not to contract around the pain. I also did a yoga class and a pranayama class. There were some tinglings at the crown chakra. I dwelled in the space of awareness recognizing itself. 

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3/3/20 2:54 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Something came up today that made me reflect on my cravings and aversions. A few days ago I realized that I had missed the opportunity of going to Iceland for a conference. I discovered that I had misunderstood when I would be notified about my submitted abstract. I was waiting for the notice in vain, and so I searched my inbox and noticed that I had received a message several weeks ago where they did not accept my abstract as part of the symposium I had intended to be part of. Instead they encouraged me to send in the abstract anew, for an individual presentation. I had totally missed that, and now it was too late. I discovered this very early in the morning and in the midst of the abyss of wanting-to-die-pms, and I was devastated, while at the same time being very aware that the suffering was caused by my wanting it to be different. Being aware of that didn't help as much as I would have wished (another set of cravings and aversions noted). A few days later, when the pms had ended, it wasn't that bad. I was saying to myself that I really need to focus on writing my book anyway, and that flying is bad for the environment. I was okay with it but still disappointed both with the crushed dream of finally getting to experience Iceland and with myself for making that stupid mistake.

Then today I was told that nobody in my research group will go to that conference, because that symposium was not accepted and everyone who had applied for an individual presentation were offered to do poster presentations only. I was so relieved. That doesn’t make sense at all. I was happy because I wouldn’t miss out on anything - but that isn’t true, as I still won’t go to Iceland. I was relieved because suddenly it wasn’t a mistake not to make that new application. Instead of missing it, I now spared myself unnecessary work. But it’s not like the history has really changed. And yet it has, because history is a story that we tell ourselves. It is so illusory. I even said out loud that I had felt so bad for nothing, which is kind of funny, because that is really suffering in its making. I couldn’t even just be happy now (which is silly too), but I felt bad for feeling bad earlier! That lasted only a few seconds, though, thankfully, because it was so obviously empty.

Thankfully my colleagues didn’t seem very sad. They all work fulltime and can afford to travel to Iceland for holidays. Still I feel a bit ashamed for being happy that my colleagues didn’t get to go to Iceland either, becuse that is the only ”fact” that has changed. I suppose that counts as ill will, even though it feels more like being spared from envying them, which would also be ill will. And my feeling ashamed doesn’t make anything better. That’s not a strong feeling, though. I think it falls into the category of being human. The crown of the creation, my ass.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/3/20 3:31 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
And I still haven't really learned the lesson... I just realized that I was supposed to reconfirm, again, that I still want to be on the waiting list for a Goenka retreat that starts tomorrow. I did now, and they can still contact me tomorrow, but I may have missed opportunities since they sent out that email the last time, which I feel bad about. The message was identical to one they have sent before so I didn't realize that they were expecting another reply (I kept checking their website record of our correspondence, and I didn't realize that it was a new copy of the same message). At least this time I find myself hoping that nobody got sick the last few days, which feels better than in the post above, but it still illustrates how storytelling is deeply entangled with craving and aversion and how much I identify with this constructed entity ("me") and put it at the center of everything.

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3/3/20 3:41 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Then it dawned on me that maybe this means that somebody who longs for a retreat even more than me got to go, and that feels good. There is some joy for others accessible there as well. That's a relief (self grasping noted).

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3/3/20 3:48 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Apparently the thought of something being "my own fault" is a trigger for reactive patterns. 

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3/4/20 12:45 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I did some wakeful dream yoga exercises yesterday, imagining dreamsigns in the wakeful experience and planted the intention to remember dreams (seems like a reasonable first steps). I actually remember quite a lot from the dreams (too personal to post) and dream signs did appear in them. Maybe they would have become lucid if they had the chance, I don't know. There were cats insisting on getting in and getting out all the time, so I was constantly interrupted. Those who instruct that one should lie perfectly still for quite some after waking up obviously do not have a cat that scratches them in the face until they get up (ironically, he is named Morpheus). I did notice, however, that I tend to redirect stuff in dreams. I do that and still don't realize that it's a dream. I'll not that as a strong dream sign. 

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3/4/20 3:20 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Meh, I went back into the same dream and made some changes to it and still didn't realize it was a dream. 

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3/4/20 4:37 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
My practice today involved two and a half hours of yoga, some dzogchen and some dream yoga. 

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3/5/20 6:20 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
When I listen to some teachings on youtube, for instance from Bhante Gunaratana and Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, I feel something happening at the crown of my head. Kind of a softening, a gentle breeze, a light...? Is that a sign of what is referred to as transmission? Or do I just have a very active imagination? 

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3/5/20 12:51 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I'm continuing with my online course from Ligmincha. It is a very basic level, but as it is a new tradition to me, there is much to learn. For some reason it resonates with me. It does something. From the framework I'm used to from before, it feels like it cultivates the Brahmaviharas and the formless realms. 

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3/5/20 1:11 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
What will you do when you run out of new teachers and techniques to study? :-)

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3/5/20 2:33 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
Oh, that won't happen. I'll die before that. 

I don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles. 

Right now I'm watching Michael Taft's latest teaching at SF Dharma Collective (from their youtube channel, not his own one) and he ties together Mahayana and Theravadan traditions, which was pretty much what we were talking about during our last lessions. (I just took a short break now because I had a hunch that there would be a comment.) The essence of the Ligmincha teachings so far are very much in line with what Michael says and what Lama Lena says - and also very much in line with MCTB2, albeit with a different framing and emphasis. What is most new to me is the rituals - singing in Tibetan, visualizing very specific stuff, specific movements (seems to work similarly to Kundalini yoga but it has its own grammar) and some terminology (although I had heard those words in dharma talks before, they are put together in a way that is new to me). I get that the ritual stuff is tech to see something that is already there, but it's cool that it actually works, and it's cool that it gives symbolic meaning to sensations I already had and enables me to work with them more hands-on, to transform them. The energetic level always made sense to me, intuitively. It's the concept level of it that feels a bit foreign. However, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche has a tendency to use language that is very close to how I conceptualize some of it. He simplifies it enough for me to get what he is pointing at, at least roughly, especially since I relate it to other resources as well. And his teachings tie together my interest in the silence, in the elements, in the lucid sleep, and in sound healing (which suits this kinesthetic and auditory mind).

I'm considering taking a course on the elements in real time that starts a few feeks from now. That course costs, unlike these introductory courses, but then I will also have the opportunity to interact with the Rinpoche and ask questions. I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to be careful with my money as I don't yet know if I'll have an employment from the beginning of July. 

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3/5/20 2:58 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles.
 

That was a bit misleading... It's not like I think that there is an objective phenomenon out there that can be mapped from every angle. Not at all. An important point of it is exploring the interactiveness of it. How it takes shape depending on the dynamics of approaching it, sort of like the observer's paradox although the observer is just as much a product of the dynamics as the assumed object. 

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3/6/20 7:55 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
There were brief instances of lucid dreaming this morning, not from getting lucid from within the dreams but from falling back into sleep and into the same dreams while retaining lucidity for a while. Unfortunately I cannot recall what content drew me back into the illusion.

This afternoon I did some letting go of grasping meditation with a varied result. I fell into both ditches of restlessness and dullness. 

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3/6/20 3:21 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
In the evening I practiced some basics of the Bön tradition, with dedication, the nine breathings of purification, Tsa Lung, and three doors practice. The Tsa Lung exercises were a bit overwhelming today. After the first three exercises I felt slightly nauseous, and after the fourth one    (the pervasive wind) there were intense piti and relief. The fifth one doesn't seem to affect me that much, but maybe it has a stabilizing effect. After those exercises, it is surprisingly easy to connect to the three doors (not the same ones as in MCTB2, but stillness of the body, silence, and spaciousness of the mind). There are instant purple swirls and spaciousness and bliss (even without the Tsa Lung exercises). It is probably helpful for my ADHD mind to frame the meditation so clearly. Whether or not this will lead me to transforming insights I cannot tell, but at times when the three poisons are particularly stubborn, I believe this may be a way to maintain both a steady practice and relative wellbeing. 

There are very bright dots flickering in my visual field now and then, off cushion and with eyes open. The sound of silence is getting loud again. I wonder if this is how tinnitus sounds. I don't mind it. I find it comforting. It reminds me that there is space. Listening to it opens up possibilities where the contracted mind can't see any. 

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3/6/20 3:34 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Oh, that won't happen. I'll die before that. 


So you'll never get out of the boat, and finish crossing over? emoticon

emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon

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3/6/20 3:46 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I was hoping that trying all different methods would be a bit overkill...? And that maybe I wouldn't need to. emoticon

On a more serious note, point taken. 

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3/6/20 6:44 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
A suffering door fruition wants to happen. I don't know how to let go. It hurts and I'm scared. 

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3/6/20 7:01 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
It feels like I'm in labor although the pain is in my shoulders and it feels like I'm about to deliver something from my heart. Either that or I'm very slowly being drawn into a singularity, torn apart and stretched out. Please let me let go!

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3/6/20 10:54 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I didn't. Instead I fell asleep and dreamt that I had contractions and that my entire torso opened up and a tiny tiny child came out who grew and was able to walk and talk while I was still waiting for help from a doctor. 

It was weird, what happened. After acknowledging that Malcolm was right, that I'm chasing around and basically avoiding the work I need to do, I lay down and tried to have faith that the needed tools are already in place. I tried to surrender. It hurt, so for a while I tried to adjust my position over and over again and took pain killers that didn't help. I realized that there was probably nothing wrong physically and tried to just surrender to the pain. That made it grow in intensity, and at the same time I was drawn into vipassana jhanas. The nada sound was loud. There were visuals, first an intense flickering of lights, then patterns (the grainy kind), and there was an intense pressure in the head. There was a forceful widening that felt like my eyes were drawn apart. The pain in my shoulders was intensifying and it felt like there was a force tearing me apart. The cessation never came. I didn't let go enough. Thinking about this starts the pain anew. 

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3/7/20 1:38 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
One dimension of depth vision just disappeared again. This time everything was horizontally flat. The time before it was vertically flat. It doesn't last long but I can repeat it, for now.

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3/7/20 1:08 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Practice has been interesting today. Challenging but interesting. I have often said that something I love about vipassana is that it is failproof, that it is impossible to fail because if one makes a mistake, noting it turns it into good vipassana, and if one fails to note it, then one notes that, and so forth. Yeah well, I still think it's a good principle, but it turns out that there are times when the chain of failings to note becomes too long and one completely forgets what one is doing. I don't really believe that there are solid layers to work with in the mind, okay, but it tends to manifest as if there were. The construction/manifestation of layer that I'm currently working on has "laid bare" some stuff that triggers such chains. it's an entanglement of the ego's fear of annihilation, defense mechanisms, and the relatively hard wiring (as it tends to manifest) of my neurodivergent brain. It all hooks on to each other. And of course it would be great if I could just note or notice this as it happens in any given now moment. The things is, I can't. However, there are ways to make it possible.

It is true that I have been rushing between teachings lately in a desperate attempt to make up for all the years that I have "missed out on" the dharma, as the grasping thinks of it. It is also true that this grasping is something that I need to work on, because otherwise I will stay asleep. It is also true that the tech I'm currently learning (beginner exercises from Bön lineage with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche) works - not as a replacement for vipassana, but as an enabler for vipassana. Part of it is how it keeps the avoidant mind busy with details that don't horrify the ego, just like many theravadan techs also do. Part of it is that it works with intentions and with dedications for the benefit of all sentient beings - hardly unique for this tech, but it adds to the toolbox of how to do it. I think I will cherrypick some of it. Part of it is that the Brahmaviharas are integrated in all sessions, and in a way that uses all senses and that doesn't feel false or sleezy and doesn't trigger old patterns of guilt and shame. For me this feels like genuine compassion and it cultivates The same in me. That cuts through my defenses, in a good way (I figured out that this is also why Malcolm's pointers always seems to work when little else does, and it is probably also how guru yoga works when it works - the genuine compassion together with my trust cuts through my defenses). In addition, it adds a symbolic language that seems to resonate with my unconscious, and movements that have a similar effect to the yoga I'm already used to - all in one package. And the teacher seems decent and approachable and is altruistic enough to offer a lot of his teachings for free. Also, his age isn't super high and he looks healthy so there is actually at least statistically a chance that I may get to see him before he dies, especially since he travels around and comes to Europe. 

So - after nine breathings of purification, dedication, a few minutes of shinei, five Tsa Lung exercises, guru yoga with transmission (not worshipping any living guru, but opening up to one's own Buddha nature by way of a ritualized practice that involves symbolism and Brahmaviharas and all senses, at least for me), and a guided meditation geared towards the three doors of body (stillness), speech (silence) and mind (spaciousness) and towards the trikayas, I was finally able to do vipassana. And I have always done vipassana the way it works for me, varying the levels (concept, phenomenon, vibrational, and awareness) according to what I feel is needed. I don't care whether it is Theravadan or Mahayana, as long as it works. 

Then I could actually both note and notice my reaction chains. I had become vulnerable and somewhat defenseless, but also confident enough to face the challenges. There are a lot of fear responses, but it is managable. It may take some time to break through all of the defenses. That's okay. I feel compassion for the fear responses. They aren't the enemy, just misguided. I know how to work with that. I have done it before. Hopefully it will take less effort to cut through the strongest defenses eventually, so that I can cut down on the rituals. 

I noticed that some of the movement/dance I have been sensing in the stillness, in some synesthetic mix of senses (visually, kinesthetically and auditorily), is actually my heartbeat as experienced at a vibrational level. Cool!

Now, after a dinner break (I ate while writing), I will get back to meditation again. Vipassana, reclining, after all this sitting practice.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/7/20 5:26 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Yeah right... Who am I kidding? Taking a break took away the focus. I procrastinated starting again (defense mechanisms back online), and when I did get started, there was this constant buzz of thoughts about maybe needing a bathroom break just in case and lots of discursive yada yada. I was able to see that, but I also got lost in content over and over again. There is frustration. There is also shame. There is some self-bashing, but not that much. My mood is actually quite okay*. Having ADHD but being unmedicated most of my life, I'm so used to this. It's familiar. A wellknown suffering for which I at least have som coping mechanisms, in contrast to the great unknown that apparently spooks parts of me out. I think I am slowly letting go of this weird reobservation-attatchment, though. The constant selfing is pretty tiresome. I used to get high on the mindspeed but now I know that it backfires. That takes away the fun. Also, it is so predictable that it's silly. Undignifying. This sounds like much self-bashing, but it doesn't really feel like it (not compared to periods of deep self-loathing, anyway) because despite all the selfing I know that the constructed self is a mirage. And yet it keeps going. It's like a parody. What annoys me most right now, at least as far as I'm conscious of, is that there's actually interesting stuff going on at the same time, at a vibrational level, and I just can't keep my focus on it. I wonder if it would be possible to trick myself into trying to focus on the yada yada content and thereby make that fall into the background. Probably not. 

*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/7/20 6:19 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Yeah right... Who am I kidding? Taking a break took away the focus. I procrastinated starting again (defense mechanisms back online), and when I did get started, there was this constant buzz of thoughts about maybe needing a bathroom break just in case and lots of discursive yada yada. I was able to see that, but I also got lost in content over and over again. There is frustration. There is also shame. There is some self-bashing, but not that much. My mood is actually quite okay*. Having ADHD but being unmedicated most of my life, I'm so used to this. It's familiar. A wellknown suffering for which I at least have som coping mechanisms, in contrast to the great unknown that apparently spooks parts of me out. I think I am slowly letting go of this weird reobservation-attatchment, though. The constant selfing is pretty tiresome. I used to get high on the mindspeed but now I know that it backfires. That takes away the fun. Also, it is so predictable that it's silly. Undignifying. This sounds like much self-bashing, but it doesn't really feel like it (not compared to periods of deep self-loathing, anyway) because despite all the selfing I know that the constructed self is a mirage. And yet it keeps going. It's like a parody. What annoys me most right now, at least as far as I'm conscious of, is that there's actually interesting stuff going on at the same time, at a vibrational level, and I just can't keep my focus on it. I wonder if it would be possible to trick myself into trying to focus on the yada yada content and thereby make that fall into the background. Probably not. 

*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling. 

Are you noting the third vipassana jhana?  emoticon

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3/7/20 7:00 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation. I love third vipassana jhana. Usually. But apparently not yesterday. I only count it as jhana when I'm absorbed, and that goes for the vipassana jhana as well. Third shamatha jhana and third vipassana jhana are two very different things but in my experience they are both absorbed. It's just that the vipassana kind tears you apart whereas the shamatha kind is still and calm and sort of muffled. And weirdly enough I usually prefer the kind that tears me apart. Except yesterday it hurt so badly that it stopped mesmerizing me. 

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3/7/20 8:32 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation.

I thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.

(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)

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3/7/20 8:46 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Damn energetic pain! I need to sleep! It's close to four o'clock in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep yet. 

Seems to involve some glands or something. Groups of tiny lumps that form a cluster of lump groups. The lumps move around when I put pressure on them with a finger.

And now the nada sound is loud again and it feels like static electricity around my head. My body has that kind of vibrations that I for so many years thought was some kind of pathological tremor. 

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3/7/20 8:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation.

I thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.

(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)

Reobservation is a nana. If absorption accours in it during vipassana practice, third vipassana jhana arises. 

Yes, it did. Technically it didn't disappear. It just moved back in the recent posts department because there is a bug in the code with regard to date and time if some post is deleted. I have reported that bug before. Thanks for looking for the thread!

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3/7/20 9:37 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
Now I have noted third vipassana jhana, possibly with a quick visit in a very light version of fourth vipassana jhana (or rather what I think of as third and a half) and an impermanence door fruition. Not a path moment. Just enough bliss that I can finally get some sleep, I hope. 

Why is it that when I try to meditate, it is almost impossible, and when I try to sleep, meditation insists on happening? Yeah, I know, it's because I finally relax enough, but it isn't fair. *grumpy*

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3/8/20 7:49 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
It turns out that I seem to have heart chakra pain. How about that? Heartopening yoga exercises seem to be a potential cure. I felt that very clearly at the yoga class this morning. I guess things are going on with that nerve bundle. My unconscious seemed to know, hence the meditation experience of being about to give birth through the heart and the dream about my torso opening up to give birth. The nerves from the heart chakra are connected to many muscles that I tend to have pain in. Energetic practices seem to actually deal with that stuff in a constructive way. The pain is probably connected to the phenomenology of feeling contracted, and to resisting that. Spiritosomatic pain, oh yay. Interesting how symbolic it all is. 

My mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed.  For now I'm content with that. 

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3/8/20 8:56 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
It's weird how much emotions are tied up in body tissues. Just lying on my back on a bolster, stretching muscles in shoulders, chest and back, gives emotional responses. It opens up fear and nausea and vulnerability, but also relief. Sorry for spamming with so many brief reports. It's a lifeline for me. I'll probably go through similar stuff again as it all seems to be spiralling, and it helps to backtrack and check what was helpful the last time. 

How do people manage to go through with meditation without yoga or something similar? Maybe they don't somatize as much and therefore don't need it. 

Ugh, I feel dizzy now. Maybe detox isn't just a hoax. I don't know what to believe about anything anymore. 

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3/8/20 9:34 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
My mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed.  For now I'm content with that. 

On the other hand, those dissociative seizures I used to have had a similar effect. I sometimes used them to reboot myself. I must say that I'm not overly impressed with these repeated fruitions. The path moments make a huge difference, but this... Is there a point to it? I'm assuming that it fills some function. Maybe it's like an ordinary restart of the computer whereas the path moments are restarts after a major upgrade. There seem to be some minor upgrades too, for some fruitions.

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3/8/20 4:55 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I decided to take care of myself today. I did some more stretching on the cylinder-shaped bolster and noticed how it affects the vibrations of the body - quite a lot, actually. It made me wonder if all that movement shows how much samsaric stuff is going on. Maybe the key to truly formless realms is to get rid of all that and have the stillness be so still that when the body is dissolved, the energy field is so still that it dissolves too. If so, maybe it's a good thing that my third vipassana jhanas tend to be calmer and more "boring" now. There wasn't much motion in the third vipassana jhana that hurt so much. Maybe that's why the remaining tearing stood out so fiercely. In dukkha nanas the vibrations have mainly been in the same area in daily life as well. Michael Taft actually warned me about pain from focusing so much on the kinesthetics.  He had me work with other senses to balance it up. I'm grateful for that. Thankfully, the pain is gone for now. 

Then I have connected to all the elements, taken a candle-lit herbal bath, and listened to dharma talks and done guided meditations and chantings by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (some of it while in the bath; the five point position is so much more comfortable when sitting in warm water), just because it makes me feel great. When I chant Tibetan syllables, loud overtones appear automatically. They seem to be constructed that way. I noticed that different syllables are dominated by different overtones, and that it matches which chakras they represent. That's really cool. 

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3/9/20 12:16 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Meh... I was getting close to fourth vipassana jhana yesterday at night, but then I fell asleep. Sure, I was sleep deprived, but it wasn't that urgent.

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3/9/20 8:37 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Hypothesis for investigation: piti is the vibrational quality of samsara. It feels good because it is impermanent. It isn't the bubbles themselves that feel good, but the bursting of them. 

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3/9/20 8:50 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
So... if one solidifies piti, it becomes suffering. If one lets the samsara flow just as it is, it becomes vibrational. Something like that. 

So when I "cured" pain with piti, that was a misunderstanding. The pain and the piti was the same thing, only approached differently. 

I need to let go of the piti to be able to let go of the pain. I need to let piti be piti, that is, let it be impermanence. Grasping it turns it into pain.

I think I'm obscuring the intuition with intellectualization now...

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/9/20 9:15 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I think it's everything I'm grabbing onto that hurts. Right now it is mainly in my neck. Throat chakra stuff? Ah. Yeah, I know what it is.*

But the hypothesis about piti as the vibrational quality of samsara is still on. 

*) Edited to add: Hahaha, that's why listening to the silence helps. So obvious, so literal, just like the symbolic language of dreams. Thankyou, Sambhogakaya! Point taken. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 9:21 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Okay, this is just ridiculously obvious. That insight took the neckpain away. Its vibrational quality appeared, as piti, and then it was gone. Really gone. But as soon as I had discursive thoughts about how to present that (selfing through speech), the pain was instantly back. Okay, I'll have to approach this pain as a pedagogical reminder. I don't have to like it, but apparently I need it, until the hook of the speech is dissolved. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 10:01 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I just realized something that I have already been told several times in different ways, but now it sank in. I don't need to let go of the behavior I think is needed. It's the hook in it, the selfing, the stake in it, that I need to stop solidifying. I don't know exactly how to do that yet, but the key is turned. One of them, anyway. 

Ah. I think I'm on the threshold between 11.3 and 11.4 right now, in some unspecified insight cycle. Hence this weird combo of micro and macro observations and calmness and mindspeed that looks like hypomania in text. I recognize this from before. HAH! That's what frutions from former paths do: they "stabilize" equanimity on the relative macro level for a while whereas the micro-cycling speeds up. At least that's a hypothesis for now. 

I think that unspecified insight cycle may be where the mapping starts making sense again. I think I started out seeing more of a macro-level cycling compared to the cycling that practicioners usually learn to recognize on retreats, and then I learned to identify the micro-level of cycling, which was confusing, and now I can see them both (that is, I can see two of the levels; I'm not saying that's all of them). Maybe it's more common to start with the micro-cycling? I don't know. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 10:37 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Crossposting to keep track of the impermanence of views:

I have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains. 

Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important. 

I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains. 

I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood. 

This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 10:55 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Crossposting to keep track of the impermanence of views:

I have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains. 

Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important. 

I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains. 

I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood. 

This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers. 


Hahaha! This did increase my pain in the throat chakra, just as suspected, and boasting about the suspicion here will probably make it even worse, but it may be the case that I need to squeeze this ball really really hard before all mind processes intersecting with the Polly Ester continuum construction let the insight sink in that letting go of the ball is a relief. 

Squeezing the ball like this moves me on the map from 11.3-11.4 to 10.3.11-10.4.11... or something like that. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 11:07 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Note to (not)self: I see that you are looking for validation now, responses that tell you that you are on the right track. That's just counterproductive. All validation that is needed for insight comes from the practice. Pointers are another thing. Those can come from the "outside". But do I need one right now? No. I already have the pointers I need right now, so let's just work with them instead of chasing validation, okay?

There's that ticking noice from the paranasal cavities, which actually maps quite well to the energy channels. The ticking noice is a clearing of the energy channels. Ah. Okay, that's my validation for this particular post. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 11:34 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Note to aspiring teachers: Please don't poke too much on what you think need to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill. Malcolm, you are totally innocent in this (not that I blame anyone - it's just how it is). Your gentle nudging works perfectly. I'm doing most of the poking myself, because I'm impatient. But sometimes wellmeaning teachers-to-be interfere persistently with my own poking because they don't see why I need to take that detour, and that adds to the already painful process. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. 

I think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 1:35 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Note to aspiring teachers: Please don't poke too much on what you think need to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill. Malcolm, you are totally innocent in this (not that I blame anyone - it's just how it is). Your gentle nudging works perfectly. I'm doing most of the poking myself, because I'm impatient. But sometimes wellmeaning teachers-to-be interfere persistently with my own poking because they don't see why I need to take that detour, and that adds to the already painful process. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. 

I think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do. 
emoticon  Metta to you Linda.  Also, you seem to be getting a variety of rather good micro-insights at the moment - space perceptions, piti and pain, dharmic hooks.  Keep going!

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 2:32 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
Thankyou so much!

I decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time. 

Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 7:32 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Fun fact - science supports my experience of "destilling" sound into light. Apparently there is something called sonoluminesence which is the process whereby a loud sound generates an emission of light. I thought I was clever, but there's a shrimp - the mantis shrimp - that can do the same thing in a way that is visible for others as well. 

I googled "sound turns into light". 

I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/9/20 10:53 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Thankyou so much!

I decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time. 

Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
Thanks Linda!  I'm touched.  But of course, I'm only as good as my most recent piece of advice   emoticon

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/10/20 1:28 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I had dharma-related dreams:

I was flying and knew that it was a meditation-related experience, that it had to do with what I thought of as possible. It happened in a bedroom with someone (not sure who, could be several persons merged into one) sleeping next to me, so on some level I knew that it was a dream, only it wasn't any bedroom I recognize. Then there was clinging to the experience and to conditions that the dream-me thought was enabling the experience.

I was in my bathroom, looking at the reflection of myself in the mirror. My face was looking back at me but it wasn't attached to any physical body. I liked it. Then I realized that if this imagery could appear, then horror images could appear as well. And so they did. It was a bit scary but I kept looking and reminded myself that it was all a mirage anyway. The imagery shifted back and forth many times. It couldn't hurt me. I didn't believe in it. Nor did I believe in the regular image. 

There were also lots of photography during some kind of journey, grasping to all the experiences on the journey, capturing them, using my ipad (the one I use to write my reports here; in the dream the ipad camera was merged with my better camera). During a particularly picturesque part of the terrain, near a waterfall, the ipad was dropped on a radiator, which for some reason was next to the waterfall, and exposed to heat. Radiators are called "element" in Swedish. The ipad partly melted and the memory card may have been damaged. I was devastated about losing all those pictures that had captured the journey and did everything I could to restore it. The dukkha waw obvious. I woke up with the thought that it was all a dream, nothing to hold on to, and how absurd it was that I was clinging so fiercely to something that was merely a dream, a figment of imagination. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/10/20 4:35 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Last night I planned to start a new log and frame it very clearly with the following as the starting post:


Note to readers of this log: 
  1. Please don't poke too much on what you think needs to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill sometimes. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. I tend to do most of the poking myself, and I know fairly well how much I can take and when poking is needed.
  2. Sometimes I need to ”squeeze the ball” very stubbornly and hard before I’m ready to let go of something. Please don’t engage me in a tug of war about that, if you notice resistance, for the above reasons. I’m not kidding - my chakras hurt. Painkillers don’t work. It’s a symbolic language for processing stuff that keeps shouting until I have cleared something up, and that has real physical consequences if taken too far. 
  3. Gentle pointers, from genuine compassion, are highly appreciated.
  4. Information is highly appreciated.
  5. Sharing of relevant personal experiences is highly appreciated.
  6. Sharing of tips and tricks and hacks is highly appreciated.

As I woke up this morning and was about to report on those dharma-related dreams, I decided to put that new beginning off, as it felt like this could be a very temporary view solidified by the culmination of some ongoing process. Who knows if this even feels true tomorrow? I seem to be almost ridiculously sensitive to symbolic associations right now, which makes me think that unconscious processing is driving this whole thing. I just walked into the shower feeling rigid and solid in my body, and the contact with the flowing water made my body feel fluid. The stiffness was gone, just like that. Then there was magickal thinking: "Water element! Can it be that easy? I have cut down on showers lately, after all. Maybe daily showers will take away the pain?!" Jeeze! Well, placebo works. It works like magick... Laughing is okay. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/10/20 7:03 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Around lunchtime I continued my practice in the Tibetan Bön lineage: nine breathings of purification, stillness, dedication, and guru yoga. I'm really taking a liking to this. My take on the lineage system, apart from it being some sort of relative quality assurance, is that it is the opposite to person cult. That includes the guru yoga whereby one prays to the root lama (which is dead, by the way, and not profiting from any of it). It is symbolic and I can feel kinesthetically that it softens the hooks of me and mine. I felt this particularly with regard to the hooks of how I express myself. Through the guru yoga I receive the blessings of speech from Master Taperitsa. Thus the speech isn't mine. Even the more primitive subconscious processes can understand that simple logic. It is their language. I felt the relief of it. That ticking sound from the energy channels clearing, or from the paranasal cavities opening up, appeared.

I think I'm at risk of being one of those stereotypical practicioners who go on and on about rigpa. I get what it is. I have resisted using that term for quite some time now, but yeah... rigpa is the shit. Gotta admit it. 

Going through old logs I see how the process spirals. I no longer feel stuck, and I can't even find places where I have actually been stuck. The development was there the whole time. It seems like over and over again I discover things anew that I knew all along, but it all falls into place. The overall picture becomes clearer. Obscurations dissipate. 

I can see now that since what may or may not have been second path moment, I have gone through a similar development as I did between SE and that moment. Relishing in the stronger concentration while I could. Despairing about loss of both concentration and clarity. Finding ways to get around that, involving discipline, purification, and a softer touch from another angle, and then combining all resources to power up the investigation. I have been on a track the whole time without having much of a clue about what I was doing. 

Hey, I can visualize. Who would have thought that? It isn't even hard. I'm making it simple. Taperitsa is basically made of light, so he can be blurry, that's allright, especially since he is in a rainbow circle. I mean, rainbows appear when sun shines through mist, and he is in the midst of all that. Whatever parts are hard to imagine can just be shrouded in mist. Perfect! That's a reason to appreciate Taperitsa right there. And much of the stuff that happens in the guru yoga, as well as in the nine breathings of purification, are things that I already felt kinesthetically. Now suddenly I have symbolic meaning to connect to them, and that helps in getting all subconscious processes on board. There were a few aha moments there. One reason that I felt the pain wash away with the shower today may have been that the guru yoga involves a sequence of a purifying shower. 

The construct of how to work with the breath with regard to energy in the nine breathings of purification suits me much better than most takes on it that I have heard before. At yoga classes we are often told to imagine breathing in energy to the whole body at the inbreath, but I have always felt that the energy reaches its intended destination at the outbreath. In this exercise the outbreath in the last three breathings (through both nostrils) centers the energy in the central channel and brings it to the crown chakra and then out through it. That's more like it. That's what I'm feeling. And I can both smell and taste the greed, desire and attachment as I breath it out in the second round when I breathe in from the right nostril and out through the left nostril, clearing the left energy channel. It is very tangible for me. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/10/20 2:58 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Concentration has increased. I lay down to practice, because that makes it easier to just drop everything. Thoughts dropped themselves. After dropping down from second jhana (some mix betwen vipassana jhana and shamatha jhana?), there was a period of dullness that may have been related to some lingering idea that clarity has to do with the tug of the senses which prevented awareness from manifesting as clear as it is. Somehow that delusion was dropped (well, temporarily, I suspect). Clarity arose, not the agitated kind, but the still kind. There was some movement back and forth between third vipassana jhana and third shamatha jhana. I realized that I recognize that movement but I haven't understood it for what it is before. There was sort of a dance in slow motion when the tearing movements of third vipassana jhana came to stillness. Then it didn't seem like those two versions of third jhana are so different anymore. It was just that the vibrations had transformed from kinesthetical to loud nada sound and a relative brightness (still weak) at such a high frequency that they were more energy than form, or something like that. I could feel that my attachment to the kinesthetic massage was loosening. However, the two versions were both heavy and dense and still not fully clear. I noticed a craving for fourth jhana - the vipassana version or the shamatha version - to arise. I wanted chrystal clear visuals or pure brightness. I noticed how that was keeping me from fully exploring the hooks of third jhana. That's something to work on. After spending quite some time with this, neck pain gradually cut its way through the dissipating jhana. It dawned on me that it can actually be a good thing to get up and let the body move around. Sometimes pain isn't more complicated than that. The unconscious has stopped screaming and my body seems to function more normally. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 6:27 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Hypothesis: I can't get into jhanas with ADHD medication. It really seems like it, as I tend to get into jhanas at night when the medicine is out of the system. That says something interesting about concentration. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 6:34 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Fun fact - science supports my experience of "destilling" sound into light. Apparently there is something called sonoluminesence which is the process whereby a loud sound generates an emission of light. I thought I was clever, but there's a shrimp - the mantis shrimp - that can do the same thing in a way that is visible for others as well. 

I googled "sound turns into light". 

I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well. 

Nah, I don't think we filter it out. It's still the same shit. And the same sacredness. We just think we filter it out. It's an escape. And for many of us probably a detour that we need to do, to squeeze that ball really tight before we can really let go. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 7:09 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Cavitation produces sonoluminescence. That's probably how the shrimp does it. 

(That's a non-dharma comment.)

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 7:09 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Hypothesis: Shamatha is the act of trying to squeeze samsara into a diamond. 

As for the hypothesis about ADHD medication, at least it is much easier to instantly get the feeling of floating without it, and the nada sound gets louder. However, there's also that thing with the racing mind that has to be dealt with. I think it can, but that requires patience and it requires letting go of the idea of what clarity is. The racing mind is grasping for what it thinks is clarity. There's also that thing with dullness, which is the sweet smooth seductiveness of ignorance. The unattentive mind is vulnerable to that seduction. Yet the vulnerability seems to be an important part of the equation. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 7:11 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Cavitation produces sonoluminescence. That's probably how the shrimp does it. 

(That's a non-dharma comment.)

Yes, it is. 

It seems to have some dharma-relevance, though, at least for the phenomenology. In my experience, light does appear when bubbles burst. Visually, I mean. It does for me.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 7:15 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
But of course, the light is in itself one giant bubble. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 12:37 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
That wider vision is back again. It is even wider than 180 degrees. That is the fourth screen at play (dream vision). Time to go for fruitions. I knew it was coming up.

I came to think of something with regard to attention and awareness. As a child and growing up, I knew how to get around my attention deficit (I had no diagnosis at the time). I knew that if I tried to keep count of something, I would loose it. Awareness kept track, though. I used that together with my Tourette-related symmetry obsession and my ability to see meta-levels - and vedana. I had a system for counting retrospectively. It was based on metalevels of fours. 4 felt good. It was symmetric. 16 felt good too, because it was four fours. 64 felt good because it was four sixteens. Awareness kept track of that, and it kept track of what was needed to get that pleasant vedana again. This came in very handy when I was playing the flute in an orchestra. We were two people playing the flute and we often had long pauses. Those pauses were often based on fours as well, and even on fours of fours. The older man that played second flute used to whisper amazingly funny stories during our pauses. I could listen to them with my attention while awareness kept track on where we were. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 12:46 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
What is weird is that I can see a hare running into my visual field from behind when it is more than 180 degrees from where my gaze is directed. How did I know to dream up a hare that would actually be there for "real"? 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 12:50 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Experiment: I will try microdosing my ADHD medication, just enough to make it easier to remember not to engage with irrelevant stuff but not enough to boost attention to manifest as a doer. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/11/20 2:50 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Experiment: I will try microdosing my ADHD medication, just enough to make it easier to remember not to engage with irrelevant stuff but not enough to boost attention to manifest as a doer. 

So far, not helpful. I wonder if attention (to be distinguished from awareness) is the same thing as the doer. If so, any dose would be too much. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/12/20 4:14 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I missed the window due to grasping. Can't say I'm surprised. 

Back to unclenching. Had new experiences of that. Hard to explain. I was stretching the fascia around the heart chakra while meditating in a reclining position. It hurt, but as I relaxed into it, something burst into vibrations in a new way. That happened a few times. Maybe my synesthetic processing was just triggered by thinking about that shrimp earlier, the kind that can turn vibrations into sound that turns into light. The best way I can describe it is that it was like chains of bubbles bursting in water, creating light. Like I was under water and the bubbles were moving upwards before bursting.

Gosh, this must sound like jumbo mumbo jumbo. 

Visuals patterns are accessible, not the chrystal clear kind. 

It is possible that I'm back in dissolution again. Hard to tell, as I don't experience it as the brain fog I was used to anymore. The tells are changing. I think I may be in the phase of the path when I'm cycling the darknight over and over again in a spiralling way, with more and more concentration. 

There's that rhythmical ticking from the paranasal cavities again. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/12/20 6:28 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Yup, back to lucid dreamless sleep in the afternoon. That's dissolution now, I think. 

Before that, I did my Bön lineage practice, and it was no longer easy to visualize.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/14/20 3:45 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Practice right now is dissolutiony dreamy and out of phase and with lots of sleepiness. I actually slept until mid afternoon today. There might be a histamine reaction involved. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/15/20 6:22 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
This night and morning I remember waking up with memories of awareness of the breath and of the body (position of jaw and tounge) and of music in the background of my mind, for instance the sa le ö mantra. I think I may have even had that awareness at the same time as being engaged in non-lucid dreaming, but I'm not sure whether that is possible so maybe I'm just mixing it up. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/15/20 2:35 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I did something wreckless and irresponsible today. I listened to Michael Taft's guided meditation on death while shopping for groceries. I would not recommend doing that. I have pretty strong defences, but my body reacted to it with rapid heartbeat, shakiness and nausea. That soft kind voice does get under one's skin, and the worst case scenario he would have one imagine was pretty brutal. Also, there were quite a few empty shelves in the store since people have been stocking up on food and other supplies due to the virus outbreak, and it fitted the story quite well. It was the first time I felt fear due to the virus. My mum is panicking about it so it hasn't been much room for me to worry. I still didn't feel emotionally afraid. It was embodied, physical. It lingered a while afterwards. The sound of silence was roaring. After I had taken care of my groceries, I lay down to meditate in my bed, to kinesthetically tune into the samsaric mud that had been stirred up. The boundaries of my body fell away almost immediately. I dealt with it nonconceptually. I think it may have been an hour and a half or something like that. I know that there was awareness and I know that processing was going on but I can't put it into words. There were no words there. That must have been that primordial awareness that some dharma teachers talk about. It was good. It felt healing. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Answer
3/16/20 8:24 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Fear appeared in a session of basic Bön tradition practice - nine breathings of purification, guru yoga (Taperitsa), practice of the three doors and three refuges, and dedication. In breathing out attachment, I smelled the fear. It's a rank smell. It's how people smell when they are afraid.  If you can't smell that, maybe you are familar with how fear makes a cat smell? That's a stronger version of the same thing. Already in the chanting I could feel the fear gripping my body. My voice and my breath lacked anchoring. In receiving the blessings from Taperitsa, it got worse. I could feel that my whole chest was contracting, which made it hard to breathe. After the Bön session, I layed down in my bed to tune into this. Thoughts and feelings popped up, related to failures in life. The thoughts and feelings were accompanied by contractions of the body. I could see how grabbing onto these thoughts and feelings caused suffering and did nothing good, so I tried to allow myself to let go. I let go of the contractions, over and over again. There was a development from fear through misery to disgust. I could sense that rank smell in my breath. I still haven't completely let go. I think I believe that I don't deserve it. That I that is a mere construction holds on to the suffering to punish itself. That's fucked up. 

About one hour and a half in total.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/16/20 4:05 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
After one yoga class and one pranayama class, I feel centered and calm and actually pretty blissful. Not sure how that happened. That space of awareness recognizing itself was accessible to dwell in. The brahmari (bumble bee sound exercise) was full of clear overtones. The paranasal cavities cracked open. The capalabathi (unsure of the spelling; fire breathing) resulted in a centered crowd of bright light dots, slowly swaying, rather than restless bubbles all over the place. Now the sound of silence is loud, in a peaceful way. Like silence out in the nature, full both of space and of other elements. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/17/20 9:54 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Did 80 minutes of reclining meditation while waiting for my laundry. The sound of silence was roaring and the sound of my pulse was roaring too, while going about my daily business, so it felt like meditation was needed. There was some unclenching going on, which I think is my subconscious letting go of stuff since I tend to somaticize. There was a period of dullness and then a period of restlessness (after an hour had gone by), but my focus isn't as bad as it feels subjectively. I tested counting my breath, forwards and backwards. I have no problem doing that whatsoever. The problem is that I can do it and still think about stuff, or still get dreamy, without losing count, so it doesn't help. I experimented with it and found that silently chanting the sa le ö mantra in Tibetan (a a kar sa le ö a yang om du) while counting the breath keeps me busy enough if needed. 

I'm getting restless about my practice again. Maybe it's a desire for deliverance nana thing. It could very well be. I'll try to be patient, and note the restlessness. At least I don't have pain now. 

The sa le ö mantra seems to have planted itself in my brain. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/18/20 5:37 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
After a rather low day, I had two hours and a half of great yoga practice, first Ashtanga yoga and then a slow vinyasa mixed with Kundalini yoga. My body was surpringly compliant. The ujjayi breath runs smoothly again, and that makes the asanas so much easier. Still I could sense a subtle resistance against the new openness. Parts of the mind were unwilling to relax and let go of control in the rest at the end of the sessions. It wasn't racing, just alert in the beta wave way. I did take the last of my ADHD medication a little too late in the afternoon, so that may have contributed, but I don't think it was the only reason. The doer fights back. It is scared. Weird that a construction can think that it has feelings. Anyway, I feel much more relaxed now. I look forward to dissolving everything into light in accordance with clear light sleep practice as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. I found an entire playlist with his teachings on clear light sleep. So far, the exercises fit very well into the practice I'm already doing. It feels like it is all falling into place. I have already been doing some of it intuitively. The other day I almost followed the instructions point by point although I hadn't yet heard them. Even the collecting of all light into a single sphere happened, although it was more a spherical flock of lights. That was in the afternoon, not before going to bed in the evening. Still, it led to lucid dreamless sleep, so I already know that this works. I don't expect clear light sleep during the night to happen instantly, of course, but the development in that direction has already started. I think of this as a lifelong practice, from now on. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/19/20 12:15 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Well, I can't say that there was any clear light sleep, but I woke up well rested much earlier than for a long time and without the performance anxiety that so often makes me procrastinate getting started with work (I consider this a miracle - the relief is undescribable). In the dream I can remember, I helped to solve a conflict in a constructive way and without getting wired up emotionally. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/19/20 6:45 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Awareness has been strong throughout the day, with few brief lapses into the default mode network or whatever is the right name for the monkey mind. Rigpa has been there, if that is an appropriate term for it at a stage where it still comes in glimpses, brief ones and longer ones. Awareness recognized itself to a larger extent than usually, that is, more often and for longer periods.

At six pm (or slightly later due to a phone call and some technical difficulties) I joined a live broadcast with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. Weirdly, it felt like he was looking right at me, seeing me, although it was just a one-way broadcast. I got chills all over me and around me and felt this great pressence, connection, and like things were happening inside my head. At one point I noticed visuals organizing themselves into a recognizable image after blinking. The image wasn't immediately there but had to be created. 

I did a formal sitting with nine breathings of purification, guru yoga with chanting and visualization, three doors practice, and dedication (chanting in Tibetan and reciting in English).

Then I did reclining meditation for about 2 h 15 min: I let awareness be there in all sense gates in the moment. It was incredibly rich. Subtle tensions and subtle mental contractions autoliberated in the awareness. One of my cats lay next to me, so I sort of scanned his body too, probably as an extrapolation based on what I could sense, but it felt as rich and immediate as if it were my own body, and the immediacy and texture were there in their own right (equanimity of formations). Then there was light, or brightness. There was being in that light, or being that light. Nothing but that very clear presence. That must be that pristine awareness that people are talking about. I dwelled there. I popped out of it a few times, like on the threshold of it, where discursive thoughts were available, but was soon immersed in the brightness again. I don't know if there was really visual brightness. I don't think that there were separate senses. It was absolute clarity but minimal distinction. It was close to but not entirely timeless. Then there was something. There was some switch. There was some confusion about which part of it all was me. Then there was sleep paralysis. A cat was scratching at the patio door, sort of earth calling, wanted to get inside. I didn't know what parts of it all to mobilize to manifest as someone with body and assumed agency. There was the knowledge that moving a finger or toes would help to snap out of it, but fingers and toes were nowhere to find. Finally there was blinking. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/19/20 8:03 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Cool!   You can get back there more easily by being expanded, rather than contracted.  Just move awareness out into the field, and then let the clarity and brigthness mature over a few seconds.

emoticon.  Or should I say emoticon (The dharma's so bright, I have to wear shades).

Malcolm

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 1:05 AM as a reply to Not two, not one.
That's basically what all teachings I have listened to lately say, in different wordings. I triangulate the pointing. 

Oh... wow... in writing this, and in tuning into where the pointing points, there was sort of a flip. I think awareness maybe moved behind me. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 7:00 AM as a reply to Not two, not one.
curious:
Cool!   You can get back there more easily by being expanded, rather than contracted.  Just move awareness out into the field, and then let the clarity and brigthness mature over a few seconds.

emoticon.  Or should I say emoticon (The dharma's so bright, I have to wear shades).

Malcolm

You know, when I try to describe such experiences, there is always someone who insists that this is just poor sensory clarity. That's not really the case, though, right? I mean, of course I don't think that the sense organs capture it like that, but the mind is a sense too and the mind sensations exist in their own right. Also, I'm not so sure that the sense organ - individual brain processing model is very accurate. It's seems more like how Newton's model is helpful for a narrow scale of occurrings which happen to correspond with people's daily experience whereas it is dead wrong outside that scale. Phenomenologically, it seems to me like information waves (no discrete units of information exist) on various levels just hover around and interact with each other, spreading like waves on water without being the water (I took that analogy from terry, who said it about ideas vs words). It's just that people normally restrict their access to what they think of as something corresponding to the water within a limited space. The water analogy fits very well here, because just like the water molecules within a specific cubicle of a sea do not stay still there but intermingle with the rest of the sea, with the air, with the earth, and with the organisms living in those elements, this is also the case with the molecules of our bodies, including the brain. And yet the waves are even more transcendent. 

That would explain why we can sometimes know things that we otherwise couldn't possibly know. Like when I see stuff that physiologically just must be outside the scope of my visual field, stuff that then enters the "real" visual field with the same characteristics as I had already seen. It's not like I could hear a color, even if I hadn't been listening to a dharma talk in my headphones. Or like the time I dreamt the continuation of the dream that my husband at the time was dreaming next to me. I could give many examples. 

Still, when I see advice from you, to me or to someone else, about moving awareness to a field outside the body, a frustrated thought pattern pops up questioning how I should be able to do that. I think the answer to that is that I can't do it. The trick is to transcend the I and just let awareness be awareness. And awareness doesn't do it. Awareness is it. Or becomes it and passes away every given moment. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 9:13 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Still, when I see advice from you, to me or to someone else, about moving awareness to a field outside the body, a frustrated thought pattern pops up questioning how I should be able to do that. I think the answer to that is that I can't do it. The trick is to transcend the I and just let awareness be awareness. And awareness doesn't do it. Awareness is it. Or becomes it and passes away every given moment. 

I think I get what you're saying with that whole post. The sense organs have very little to do with it. It's a story you learned in kindergarten (do they have kindergarten in Sweden?)

Something I have found interesting is:

1. push the awareness somewhere where it seems like it can't go
2. feel the frustration of that
3. stay there until the mind starts to reinterpret the sensations as something other than frustration

I believe I wrote in my practice log, perhaps in October or November, about a time when I was walking in the woods. I heard some people coming up behind me, and I felt my awareness go back behind my head as I imagined what they looked like. But then, I realized I didn't need to actually "go back" there at all, since I was still aware of the people even while staring straight in front of me. I then felt the awareness split in two, and it was a huge relief, and I think a turning point. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 9:25 AM as a reply to spatial.
Ah. That makes sense. A lot of sense. I remember reading that, but at the time, I could only see the simplest level of that and couldn't understand what was the great relevation in that, but now I do. Of cource. *headpalm* And of cource awareness has been there the whole time. On some level, of course I also knew that. I mean, after all, "I" am aware of "my" surroundings. I just couldn't grasp what that meant, because I still identified too much with me and mine. Really - headpalm!!! 

Yes, we have kindergarten here too, and learning about the senses and sense organs is huge at that age here to. What's up with that?! 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 9:41 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Ah. That makes sense. A lot of sense. I remember reading that, but at the time, I could only see the simplest level of that and couldn't understand what was the great relevation in that, but now I do. Of cource. *headpalm* And of cource awareness has been there the whole time. On some level, of course I also knew that. I mean, after all, "I" am aware of "my" surroundings. I just couldn't grasp what that meant, because I still identified too much with me and mine. Really - headpalm!!! 

This particular thing has been the most interesting part of the path for me, because it's somehow exactly where things start to get...really weird, I guess. There's no way to talk about it with normal people, because our language and habitual ways of thinking just don't allow it.

I love practicing looking at objects that I have no way of physically seeing. Trees off in the distance...the intricacy of their thousands of leaves and branches...birds way up in the sky that appear as mere specks...people in the past or future...things behind me...closing my eyes and seeing the room I'm in...people in the cars that speed past me on the road...my body seen from the outside. Also, sounds that I am not currently hearing. It's really fascinating and revealing to investigate the sensations that show up around these things. You can do it all day long, as you go about your normal business, too.


Yes, we have kindergarten here too, and learning about the senses and sense organs is huge at that age here to. What's up with that?! 


Don't get me started on all the problems with education...

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 1:07 PM as a reply to spatial.
That's very true. It really sounds like "crazy talk". Thanks goodness for weird people; I know a lot of those (and consider myself one).

I have my own version of that, which is kinesthetically feeling what I can't physically feel. I have loved that from the start. It makes me feel so very alive, even when what I feel is from the perspective of a car. 

---

Second facepalm for the day: I just realized that the flowy sensations that I tend to feel (and see and hear) certain times of the day do not mean that clarity is at peak. It means that the elements are dissolving in my body because it wants to go asleep. No wonder that I have developed the tendency to get into lucid dreamless sleep in the afternoons on a regular basis, haha! Paying attention to the elements as they dissolve is part of the practices in preparation for clear light sleep, and I have been doing this the whole time. No surprise that I would fall asleep doing it, and no surprise that I would develop lucidity. I just had no idea that what I was paying so close attention to was the process of falling asleep. I just thought it was something fascinating. 

I just spent a couple of hours or more doing this again. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 1:16 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Hm... Maybe I still have chronic fatigue, then? Maybe I'm just approaching it as something fascinating now? That's... weird. And pretty constructive, I'll say, because this way I feel healthy. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 2:14 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Now that you have clearly seen the trees, it is time to look at the forest - in fact look at the whole biosphere and hydrosphere and lithosphere.  The fact that you no longer see the individual trees when you look at the forest is not a lack of clarity. 

And yes moving your awareness somewhere else is just an exercise, it's not a description of a final desired state. The awareness is already in every object. In fact, all objects are none other than awareness. Your (our) delusions just stop us seeing that.  The exercises are designed to erode that illusion of a clinging centre, not to have a different centre, but to have no centre.

Moving the centre around is just a step along the way.

Scary?

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/20/20 2:44 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I suppose that there must be some fear there since I'm not there yet, but I don't feel scared. I love it. I'm thrilled by the prospect of being centerless. I long for it. I think I have been longing for it basically throughout my life - except from when I was centerless as a child, merging with stuff like snow chrystals and forgetting about everything else. I guess I could say that I feel like it is time to finally get to go home, but home has never had that kind of longing associated with it for me. 

I really don't want a center. It may be that I err on the other side. The thought of having to bear with this assumed center continuously, that is scary. Hey, I have even wanted to join the Borg collective just to get rid of the center. I have wanted to throw up my self so many times (not to the point of actually throwing up, though, because this center can be almost ridiculously constructive in the midst of not wanting to be). Now that I know that there is a way, I don't feel so desperate anymore. It is a great relief. 

Now I just want to pump you on information about how to get there as soon as possible, but I guess it doesn't work that way. emoticon

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/21/20 4:27 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Crossposting for the sake of keeping track:


[…] parts of me seem to enjoy the feeling of reobservation and don't want to let go of it. They enjoy the intensity of it and the mindracing and find the agitated energy motivating. They enjoy that things are happening. 

Some of them enjoy being torn apart and long for the annihilation. Others enjoy that the illusion of a self is at a peak because it makes them feel in control and on top of the world. Paradoxically, both those very different attachments lead to clinging to the nana. That is due to misconceptions about what the annihilation is in the first case, focusing on the destruction rather than the liberation. In the second case, it is of cource due to a misconception about the possibility of being in control and of being something continuous and separate. The first case shares that latter misconception as well, which is why it thinks that there is something there that needs to be annihilated or even "punished" for the sake of purification, and so it goes all in as if it were in some kind of BDSM relationship with "the Process" as its master. Thus, indirectly, since both these rather opposite reaction patterns become allies in clinging to the polarization of reobservation, it seems like the "master" in that relationship is really the deluded ego that enjoys being on top of the world, and so it becomes something self-absorbed and ludicrous and self-perpetuating. I'm in the process of letting go of this.



This isn't specific for today, more like a more long-term tendency. Today, so far, I feel peaceful and content with things being peaceful.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/22/20 3:58 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Yesterday I went out in the nature (where I live we are not all isolated due to the covid 19) and made an elements practice with mantras while connecting to the elements, together with the usual Ligmincha practice.

Today I have observed the process of falling asleep and stayed lucid. I have a job deadline so I haven't had time to practice as much as I would want. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/23/20 4:02 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
It seems like I'm currently going through a rewriting of my biographical history. I grew up in a rather dysfunctional family. There was love, but also open wounds that had less skillful outlets. Eventually my dad took his own life. I thought I had made peace with all of that many years ago. Now I have found that there is more peace available, as I'm reliving happy childhood memories that had been clouded, tainted by the anxiety and pain that were also there. Refuges of safety and happiness, space to just be, so much love, so much wisdom hiding in plain sight. That cliché that it's never to late to have a happy childhood, it's actually true. I'm also remembering good people that I have met throughout my life, some of which may even have been awakened just by being who they were, fully and without reservation, in the midst of what could have been suffering, would have been for most people, but for some reason wasn't. My grandmother was like that. I never understood it, as I grew older and more restless, how she could be happy with that life. It had so many ingredients for tragedy, and so few for the opposite. Now I understand perfectly. She didn't need more. All she needed was to be helpful, and she was. They adored her at the hospital where she died from cancer. She was happy and grateful and caring and funny til the end. There was a librarian like that too, at the local library where I practically lived as a child. As a teenager I had a practical working experience week or two there from school together with a friend. We both felt that the librarian was so kind that it was contagious. We could barely recognize ourselves at home in the evenings, and we found that both scary and cool at the same time. That's how Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche's teachings feel like. Like that and like sitting in my grandmother's kitchen together with her, doing absolutely nothing and being perfectly content with that (which I was as a small child). Feeling the peace in the stillness and in the silence.

I knew that it was somehow familiar, haha. Of course, my grandmother's words of wisdom were less poetic and more mundanely oriented... like "You have to fart, otherwise your tummy will hurt"... but there's some wisdom in that pragmatic acceptance that shouldn't be underestimated. emoticon

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/23/20 4:20 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Weirdly enough, this is accompanied by pain in the heart chakra again as if it somehow hurts to open up for the good memories. It's mild pain, though, and it feels like it's going in the right direction. 

---

I have gradually stopped being super-annoyed with my mum's rants on the phone, so something must be right in my practice. It has changed from totally freaking out to not being even slightly irritated, just a bit restless at worst. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/24/20 12:06 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
It's kind of amazing, isn't it, that are the dharma settles in and ignorance reduces, we find these deeply embedded levels of emotion that are subtly driving all sort of things. And we had no idea.  

Much compassion and love

Malcolm

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/25/20 8:06 AM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I agree. And much compassion and love to you too.

Yesterday I was inspired by Spatial's thread, about Jhanas and the sense of self, to do some experimenting. As I wrote there, I realized that it's time to "let go of letting go" and let contractions build up where they seem to want to build up, like I used to do and which used to take me into jhanas. I just never realized the part that the contractions had in it, apart from the vipassana jhana three parts where parts of the body seems to be torn to different directions. I realized quite some time ago that attention is what drives that. But "everybody" talks about the importance of letting go in order to enter the jhanas, so I had no idea that letting go could be what keeps me from accessing them. Of course it does, though, now that I think about it, because that means that I stop holding on the intention that drives the jhana. That intention is what manifests as a contraction. How could I not see that? Anyway, realizing that seems promising. I hope I'm not too optimistic. Unfortunately, shamatha may be tricky for a while, at least if I am to use the breath, because I have a runny nose and swollen ear canals. Whether it's allergies or a cold or the covid 19, I don't know. Anyway, two therapy singing bowls arrived on the mail today, finally. The sound is magnificently round and nuanced. I'm so looking forward to playing with that, so I will be busy. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/25/20 8:10 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
... because that means that I stop holding on the intention that drives the jhana. That intention is what manifests as a contraction. How could I not see that?

Contracting is what human minds do. We are blind to it much of the time. That's why placing attention on the mind's process is so valuable. Also, hang on to your comment about intention being your obstacle. File it away somewhere for future reference. That same thing will crop up again and again, and finally in a very big way.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/25/20 8:28 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Thanks! Will do. The thing is, I so often read and hear about the problem being what sounded like the opposite, that one wants it too much. I probably listened too much to that, and listened in a way that was based on misunderstanding. There is still definitely a need for that which is the embryo for something's coming into being, which probably is what an intention really is (depending on how one uses words, of course; I'm referring to that thing that is needed and that Daniel calls intention). That's not quite the same thing as what people often refer to as intention, though, is it? It's not wanting something as much as manifesting it, which involves trust rather than hope. Right? And probably not any actual initiative, but more like letting manifestation take place without resistance. And all of this is of course still clouded for me by delusion, so I may just be rambling.

Thanks for the pointer! I appreciate it a lot. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/25/20 8:45 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I might have one better to call this thing not "intention" but seeking. Wanting.

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3/25/20 9:17 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/25/20 9:42 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
The problem with being a very intuition-led practicioner, in combination with being rather unsystematic, is that when things work, I don't always know what it is that works, and so I risk stop doing that thing that was working. Sooner or later, that shows, though. It is a bit back and forth, but that's okay (it will have to be). At least it generates questions for investigation. I like solving the mystery. Also, having glimpses of stuff early on thanks to some intuitive drive at least demonstrates that things are possible. It make take a while to replicate it, and that can be frustrating at times, but there can be no hesitation that it can be done. Well, sometimes I do wonder if I imagined all of it, but that doesn't last very long. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/25/20 10:47 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

Or maybe I misunderstood you now, Chris...? Anyway, I'll try to stay open to any possible interpretation and find out empirically.

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3/25/20 10:50 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I think you have it right.

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3/25/20 5:43 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Good to know. Thanks!

---

In the midst of a cold or allergies or possibly a very very mild version of the covid 19, the dharma is a true blessing. Everytime I come across a good pointer, the respiratory tracts open up and suddenly breathing is very easy. Luckily I have bought myself a bunch of new dharma books and there are even more online resources available - live ones in abundance - and helpful conversations are going on on this forum. I recline on my bed with one singing bowl on my pelvis and one on my chest while reading about the warrior seed syllables (sound healing), holding the book with one hand and the mallet with the other one. The vibrations from the bowls work too. If I balance the small bowl on my forehead, the vibrations spread through the paranasal cavities and it instantly stops my running nose and takes away the swelling.

The book I'm reading says that the ground of completely pure and newborn being is the dharmakaya and that the seed syllable A can take you there. Well, what do you know, I had been doing that practice for a while when that happened. What tipped me over at the time was pointers for Dzogchen which did not involve any syllables, but those practices go together very well. It's good to get a sense of what combined powers lead to a result. The dharmakaya was possibly the most profound healing experience I have ever had, so I wouldn't mind having a window to it. I really wish the whole world could have the possibility of experiencing that. I can't imagine anyone going to war operating from that experience. It can probably be obscured again, though. Still, for everyone to have the experience, at least once in their life, of being totally pure, totally innocent, totally unfuckupable... I didn't merely feel forgiven. It was clear that there was nothing to forgive. Even if it wouldn't change anyone, just to have the experience once is a blessing in itself. I wish everyone could have that. To feel that they don't have to deserve anything, don't have to make up for anything, that they are truly and fully okay. Wow. Wouldn't that be amazing? 

I followed a live broadcast guided meditation today, with Jeff Warren. I felt the connection to others practicing in different parts of the world and still together. Very nice vibes. 

I have paid attention to subtle responses to stuff throughout the day. 

Generelly I feel great, apart from the fact that I still have a writer's block with regard to my work, but there are some very subtle fear responses that seem to come from relaxing. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 6:36 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Jeff Warren is a good dude. I met him F2F a few times and the ol' Buddhist Geeks Conferences.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 7:33 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

I really wish people wouldn't talk that way. It's such a distraction. Maybe it's right for some people...I don't know.

Then again, maybe I should thank them for the anger that's arising right now.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 7:49 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Jeff Warren is a good dude. I met him F2F a few times and the ol' Buddhist Geeks Conferences.


Cool. Yeah, I like him. I have talked to him on zoom during an online retreat. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 7:50 AM as a reply to spatial.
spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

I really wish people wouldn't talk that way. It's such a distraction. Maybe it's right for some people...I don't know.

Then again, maybe I should thank them for the anger that's arising right now.
Thanks, I agree.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 12:07 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I was doing some work that I have been procrastinating for a long time and I felt anxiety building up. Instead of fleeing into some other activity, away from the anxiety, I decided to work with the anxiety in the practice of Warrior seed syllables A, OM and HUNG and then get back to work. A and OM felt good, but with some subtle fear response. HUNG (heart chakra) opened up more anxiety so that I could really feel it. It didn't kill me. Then I got back to work.

Later it it really felt like meditation needed to happen, and so I lay down to give shamatha a go. I even tried to really hang on tight and hold my breath while contracting some point in front on me, inspired by Spatial's thread, and sure, that worked. However, I hardly recognized piti as piti. Once again, it felt like freezing. I actually thought I was freezing but decided to just relax and go with it. That's when I noticed that it was piti. I was surprised. As absorption happened, the focus very soon tilted from its focus into focusing on being aware of focusing (I think I remember this from Spatial's log too). That made everything turn bright and feel spacious and light and free, and it snapped me out of jhana. It happened every time I managed to get back into first jhana. I don't remember how many times it was. Three? Four? The last time, I felt that I really didn't want to get back into jhana again. I was done.

Somewhere in the beginning of the session, I believe, there were a couple of instances of sudden noicy blips that came out of nowhere. I think it may have been after the first shift of focus to attention itself, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure what kind of blips they were either. The sound seemed to be somewhere inbetween that very distinct sound of common back and the more vague sound that seems to be a shift between different states. 

The anxiety seems to be gone for now. I'll try to get some work done. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 9:02 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
My honest opinion is that there's no way to go seriously wrong when it comes to this. I suspect that meditation has somehow permanently broken my brain (and yours as well) to the point where it's impossible to get stuck on one track for too long. 

Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
 As absorption happened, the focus very soon tilted from its focus into focusing on being aware of focusing (I think I remember this from Spatial's log too).


My guess is that some people out there could meditate for 20 years straight without this ever happening to them. 

I think "do nothing" is a good practice, but for the purpose of counteracting dark night, not counteracting excess efforting.

But I think there's also some kind of language issue. I'm listening to Michael Taft right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mkYlus3ZLY

He starts talking about effort and concentration at 45:42, and at 49:07, he says something interesting (which to me indicates some kind of miscommunication).

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/26/20 8:59 PM as a reply to spatial.
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/27/20 6:10 AM as a reply to spatial.
Language is a very tricky thing. Sure, this is part of what confused me, but at the same time, I still agree with it. The thing is, in periods when I get drawn into jhana, it doesn't feel like effort at all. It's like it's the easiest thing in the world. Just like Chris said, I just fell into it. Still, I also know that it has often taken me a period of building it up, and that involved effort, but a different kind of effort from what he describes. 

It is all too easy to go wrong from words. Then again, taking a "wrong" turn is also an opportunity for learning. And I really want to learn exactly what all those different mind states are, what leads to them, how they intersect with each other and how they differ from each other. 

I have sort of the embryo of a hypothesis. I'm starting to think that maybe there are different ways of reaching the formless realms. One is through the jhanic arc, which makes it a concentration practice, and one is the Mahayana way. I know that curious had the same hypothesis a while back and started a thread about it, and at that time I argued against it. I'm still very unsure of what I think. But the thing is, now I have experienced it both ways (well, at least some of it). And they were different, very different, and yet... not... Maybe it's the same realms but experienced from different lenses? I know that Michael Taft is very adamant that they are not jhanas, but realms, and that you don't need to go through the whole jhanic arc to get to them. Still, when he teaches Mahayana practice, he doesn't explicitly talk about the formless realms, so I don't know what he thinks about this hypothesis. 

Anyway, I'm thinking that the whole thing could be like that snake that bites its own tail. Concentration as a very tight grabbing focus will eventually lead to more and more of letting go, so maybe you could go either way. 

I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/27/20 6:11 AM as a reply to spatial.
spatial:
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

Very true. Utterly fascinated. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/27/20 9:00 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I haven't really cultivated the habit of starting weekdays with meditation, because it often takes a while for me to wake up my brain (I blame ADHD for that), but on the other hand (also thanks to ADHD, or to ADHD medication), I can often find focus in the afternoon. Today I did 1 h 40 minutes of shamatha in the afternoon. I have found my way back into jhana. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but it seems that it is easier to just go right for it instead of trying to build up pleasant feelings with the breath. Somehow I know exactly where it is. It involves less piti from the beginning, but it starts with something that isn't entirely stable so I'm guessing that it's still first jhana. Then there's a tangible shift into something that holds itself, and that's second jhana. Then, instead of climbing the arc, or sinking into it, it evens out and gets dull or distracted. There probably wasn't enough intention to hold through. Maybe I do need to build up more piti and sukkha for it to go all the way. That's challenging because for some reason I'm somewhat disenchanted with it. On the other hand, I haven't done shamatha for a while, so difficulties are only to expect. It's not like I have superpowers. I need to build up momentum. Patience is a good thing, I hear. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/27/20 9:36 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Oh, I forgot - there were visuals. Images flashing by, and the sense of browsing among them. One image was a picture of an idyllic cottage with birch trees around it, sort of the archetypical Swedish image. I have no idea why that popped up. Totally unrelated to that, there was also some dreamlike scene or dreamy thought (?) that Avalokiteshvara or Chenrezig, the Lord of Compassion, and Jesus were the same. A quick internet search shows that the female form of Avalokiteshvara, Guan Yin (among many different spellings), was often depicted nursing a child and therefore in the west was associated with Mary and Jesus. 

I'm not going all religious here. Just fascinated by archetypes and how they resonate with the subconscious, and by what role they play in our creating the world. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/27/20 5:24 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
After listening to a dharma talk by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, I had planned to do the next guided meditation in the course (The true source of healing), but the three doors (again, to clarify: not the same ones as talked about in Theravadan practice, but stillness of the body, silence of the speech and spaciousness of the mind) had already been established, and so I just let meditation happen on its own. There was openness, but now and then there would be a contraction that narrowed down focus to some content, and every time that happened, openness would snap back with a strong sense of presence that would brighten the whole field. 

And no, that is definitely not even remotely similar to the formless realm called boundless awareness. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/28/20 9:47 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it. 

I'll tell you that after a few days into a 10-day retreat, I start getting into states that are far deeper than what I experience off-retreat.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/28/20 10:00 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
spatial:
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

Very true. Utterly fascinated. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQECU2VMjW4

Here, too, at 1:01:30, he starts saying "that could be aversion...but another one could be sort of tight grabbing onto that, surrendering into the grasping like hurts. And that's not aversion, that's wisdom...and so after you notice that a million times you'll just start going 'what if I just don't grab onto it?'"

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/28/20 11:03 AM as a reply to spatial.
spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it. 

I'll tell you that after a few days into a 10-day retreat, I start getting into states that are far deeper than what I experience off-retreat.

Good to know!

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/28/20 11:05 AM as a reply to spatial.
spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
spatial:
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

Very true. Utterly fascinated. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQECU2VMjW4

Here, too, at 1:01:30, he starts saying "that could be aversion...but another one could be sort of tight grabbing onto that, surrendering into the grasping like hurts. And that's not aversion, that's wisdom...and so after you notice that a million times you'll just start going 'what if I just don't grab onto it?'"
Yeah, but that's not shamatha, so that's different. And not grabbing onto something tightly isn't the same thing as blocking out. Or do you think so?

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/28/20 11:35 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Yeah, but that's not shamatha, so that's different. And not grabbing onto something tightly isn't the same thing as blocking out. Or do you think so?

I'm having a hard time understanding your question, but let me just try to explain more about why I posted that quote.

He seems to be saying that when you experience grabbing that's so tight that it hurts, it's not a sign that you're doing it wrong. Rather, it's a sign that you're doing it right, because you're finally noticing the pain of grabbing.

And, he seems to be saying that the way to let go of that is NOT to stop trying so hard. Instead, it's to keep grabbing on until after the millionth time, when you will automatically realize that you have the option of letting go.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/28/20 12:33 PM as a reply to spatial.
Ah, then I understand. And that makes my question irrelevant.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/29/20 10:34 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Yesterday I had five and a half hours of live online teachings in Dzogchen by Lama Lena, which was really cool. My personal practice, on the other hand, was pretty clouded, maybe from sleep deprivement (the first session started at two o'clock in the morning). 

Today I have done a Tibetan Bön session with nine breathings of purification, guru yoga, three doors, and dedication. I have also done more of the three doors reclining, with poor results due to dullness. I have done two short sessions of yoga at home because my body is really missing it and starting to protest. Yet, I can't do much of it, because either the histamine reaction or the virus, or whatever it is that I'm having, takes its toll. After the last yoga session, I lay down to do some heart opening and some hip opening restorative positions. It was good, but it also stirred up some samsaric mud. Then I lay down to work with that. It was fear, misery and disgust showing up close to each other. It was easy to get into the vibrational level of it, but that felt unsatisfactory. I chanted the seed syllable AH a few times. I investigated the three characteristics. 

Then I did this guided shamatha meditation by Michael Taft: https://youtu.be/re7ZuK3frdQ. It helped me to find the way into a relatively stable first jhana. It reminded me of how I used to do before I even knew the difference between vipassana and shamatha, and it built up a very smooth and stable full-body piti, like the foam on a Guiness (can't drink those anymore due to gluten intolerance, but it was the analogy that came to my mind) combined with some of the sting of carbonated water. That old landmark "backward hands" appeared, which is really direct awareness combined with absorption, which makes it feel like subject and object sort of merge while still retaining enough dualism to be both at the same time (which is of course a construct). I remained in this state throughout most of the talk after the meditation as well, and then there was a nice afterglow. Coming out from it, I can still feel some lingering nausea from the disgust, but now I have had a nice reminder that the samsaric mud that it stirs up is made up by the same kinds of vibrations that can also be approached as piti. 

Soon it's time for another couple of hours of Dzogchen teachings.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/29/20 3:11 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
During the Dzogchen teaching I had another of those moments when space turns flat. It was vertical this time. It was during a pointing. We were asked to look at the screen through our spread fingers first and then look closely at a finger print and then back and forth between. Apparently that should be like the experience of seeing both tawa and our thoughts before we would be wired for a broader awareness. The thing is, when I looked at a finger print, the Lama was still just as clear (although there were two of her), and that very wide vision was there. All was clear. And suddenly it was all flat, and the Lama was as close to me as the finger. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/29/20 4:18 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I did a reclining session of shamatha, now that I seemed to have reconnected with the feel for it. I climbed back and forth between first, second and third shamatha jhana, until hearing suddenly came back with a screeching sound. I'm guessing that my swollen ear canals make the shift between muffled hearing and normal hearing very un-smooth. Third jhana was somewhat difficult to reach. I had to go back to the threshold and incline myself there by connecting with satisfaction and growing equanimity. At times the one-pointed focus was shattered by a flash of spaciousness that saw through the altered state, and so I had to incline my way back in. Getting back in wasn't hard, though. The spaciousness isn't a different state, just the ground for any state, so it was like flipping to the other side of the coin and then back. Probably the same kind of ping pong feel that Lama Lena described with regard to tawa and thoughts, although here it was tawa and an altered state without discursive thoughts. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/29/20 4:39 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
During the Dzogchen teaching I had another of those moments when space turns flat. It was vertical this time. It was during a pointing. We were asked to look at the screen through our spread fingers first and then look closely at a finger print and then back and forth between. Apparently that should be like the experience of seeing both tawa and our thoughts before we would be wired for a broader awareness. The thing is, when I looked at a finger print, the Lama was still just as clear (although there were two of her), and that very wide vision was there. All was clear. And suddenly it was all flat, and the Lama was as close to me as the finger. 
Hi Linda,

I can relate to a lot of things that are happening in your practice these days. In particular, I'm also regularly getting this thing where vision appears flat, though not always full-on - hell, it happened while I was peeing earlier : the pee jet had no depth. Lol. Sorry for the image ^^ But to me it makes things appear extremely beautiful and magical, pee too ; what, with the yellowness, the flickering light reflections/shadow play and what-not. haha

More seriously though, it feels like seeing space as just a mental construct from what is in fact just a gradient of bluriness...
In fact, I had a very strong non-conceptual experience last august, as you may recall from my journal, during a dzogchen oriented retreat, and I realized recently that one very characteristic aspect of this mode of visual perception was that everything was completely flat. It seems, as Stirling Campbell predicted, that these aspects are starting to infuse daily experience. Upon further reflection, I thought that this aspect of it could pretty aptly be described as emptiness of vision, though I don't know if this is correct. When it's flat, doesn't it feel totally full/totally empty ? This is, like, the double meaning of sunyata, according to Varela. 

I remember you mentioning about some popping in you head and para-nasal cavities, and this is something which is happening to me too. Actually it started while I was looking at my ficus tree (trees man !) : I was very focused on looking at a leaf and trying to see things that way, in that flat way, - which usually is made easier by determining, for me, to be extremely extremely calm/quiet, while being as lucid as possible -, and it made the surrounding visual field start to move around, and I felt like it was actually my breath being or being expressed in the vision, pretty nice - and that's when the nose popping started... Has this evolved into anything for you, or is it just springtime ?

Another thing I'm recognizing from you impressively dedicated reporting, is that you're starting to go back to somehow familiar territory, with a new perspective and lots of understandings, after a period of muddy stuff. In particular trying to get a grip on jhanas. Experiencing new kinds of tensions in the head (forehead for me) which paying attention to seems to be interesting... Reinterpreting old things, finding new avenues of practice, all this is also developing in my life. Maybe it's just coronavirus... haha

I don't know, nothing to say really, never mind this message, it just feels cool to notice path similarities, and as a meditation comrade I wanted to let you know about it. ^^

All the best yo tou

ps : May I ask what is tawa ?

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/30/20 2:21 PM as a reply to Olivier.
Hi Olivier!

Thanks for a very nice comment! It made me happy.

Don't worry, I found that image hillarious. I agree that the flatness illustrates how space is a construct and that it somehow is both empty and vivid at the same time. 

The nose popping still goes on. I believe it can be understood as clearing of energy channels. I suppose that will need to continue for quite some time.

Yes, I seem to have many muddy periods and they always feel longer than they actually are. When I look at my log reports in retrospect, the periods when I felt stuck in the mud turn out to be ridiculously short. Thus there are also many periods of rediscovering old territory with a new perspective. It seems to form a spiral pattern. 

I would love to go on a Dzogchen retreat. That seems awsome. Tawa is a Dzogchen term. It is mind-mind looking. Mind recognizing itself. That is, the "greater" mind. Awareness being self-aware. It's a glimpse of dharmatta (dharmakaya, samboghakaya and nirmanakaya). Hard to describe but I have a feeling you'll know what I'm talking about.

Very best wishes for your practice and wellbeing!

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/30/20 2:38 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
So far I have been focusing on shamatha today. It seems that it is possible to turn mild nausea/anxiety (hard to distinguish for me) into jhana, as the impermanence of the suffering itself is piti. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/30/20 4:54 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
...and now I have also done formal sessions of Dzogchen. During the day I have done microhits.

There are two different live broadcasts coming up soon: Shinzen and Lama Lena. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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3/31/20 4:09 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Okay, so now I can feel clearly that jhanas are accessible again if there is a stable enough intention. Problem is that intentions are all over the place (did a shamatha session and popped in and out from jhana because apparently there were processes that felt like identifying very strongly with the spinning mind that was just waiting for a chance to spin ideas and that thought it was hillarious). Restless and easily distracted and mind-racey reobservation, here I come. Well, I've got to say that I prefer this to basically the rest of the dukkha nanas. The cockiness of reobservation helps me to overcome the overwhelm that my disasterous executive functioning brings during the earlier dukkha nanas. That overwhelm is no picnic - that I can assure you. Reobservation is an avarage Tuesday compared to that, at least for someone who is used to dealing with unmedicated ADHD which is basically chronic reobservation. However, this is getting pretty much "bought and wore out that f-ing T-shirt" even for me, so I intend not to get caught up in this. I had planned to stay up during the night to take part in a live webcast teaching, but I came to the conclusion that it would be a bad idea. I need to ground myself now. Get back into routines, get some decent sleep, connect with the spaciousness. So I'll try to just brush my teeth and then devote myself to calming and stabilizing Tibetan Bön practice until I doze off (plan B is earth kasina).

Note to (not)self: When you read this tomorrow, do NOT start the day with distractions. You know very well that it doesn't help to give you that energy. It won't work this time around either, I promise. You are allowed to watch Lama Lena's new video during breakfast and while emptying the dishwasher if you rise and shine really early, but NO netflix! There's a deadline! You are allowed to take meditation breaks (preferably out in the sun on the patio) or short yoga breaks but not to bail on the writing. This is your dream job, for cryin' out loud, and the book can possible contribute to a better world for people with dementia; at least that's the goal. You can do it. Or the universe can do it, if you stop resisting it. The book is already there. You just have to clean it up, repair it and set it to sail... or whatever. Come on - it will be fun!  And necessary for your practice too. Yeah, I know that this message annoys the hell out of you tomorrow morning, but you know I'm right. Right?* Also - check the "to do" list for the most important stuff that has already been procrastinated too long, and check the mail! Reobservation hyena out.

*) You may even find that if you follow this advice without too much aversion, you'll stop identifying with this annoying voice too. Wouldn't that be nice? So breath it out, and use the warrior seed syllables. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/1/20 12:56 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Hey, it worked! I had a lucid dream! It was a really short one, but still. I used one of the tells I had written down as dream signs. My first two cats appeared in the dream. I managed to recognize one of them as dead. While introducing him to some stranger and while still petting him, I said "but this is echoes from the past. He's dead now." Then I had the impulse to produce a toilet because I really needed to pee, but luckily I realized straight away that it wouldn't solve anything. I knew I had to wake up my body to do something about it. I sighed and thought it was typical. Then I was about to test if I could do some ghost maneuver and move my hand through some object, but somebody else was already moving their arm through my arm to test it for me, because they instantly knew that I was dreaming when I said out loud that the cat I was petting was an echo from my past. So much for trying to convince "people" in the dream that it's just a dream. I was annoyed and asked them to move away so that "I" could test before I'd wake up. Haha, the other character knew that he was me too, but "I" didn't. Then the drive to find a toilet was too strong, and I found myself opening my eyes. The scenery had already changed to a bedroom because I knew I was close to waking up, and the other character was in the bed next to me and was no longer a stranger but felt familiar. It may have been the bedroom of a past boyfriend, from the time when those cats were still alive. When I opened my eyes, after a brief moment of not being able to, I was in my own present bedroom and had woken up for real (instead of fooling myself into believing that I had woken up so I could just dream about going to the toilet instead of having to actually do it, as has been very common).

Damn it, now I have to go up and work. When I wrote it like that, I just can't betray myself. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/1/20 10:44 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Writing that rant to my(not)self yesterday seems to have snapped me out reobservation. After writing it, there was a sense of calm. Tawa was there. I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my practice. I remember that there was vivid awareness of the process of going to sleep. Among other things, I had listened to a long bardo prayer and read the English translation, and it seemed that the description of the dying process in many ways also applies to the process of falling asleep. I think that pointer helped. I can't put the experience of falling asleep into words, though. That part of the brain was probably already asleep. Not much of a phenomenology report here, in other words. Apparently the phenomenology junky goes unconscious before other parts. I know that light was doing stuff. I think the sound of silence did too. I know that there was some recognition. There were some basic distinctions remaining until there wasn't any. 

Equanimity has been the dominating nana so far today. I know that because it's the only way I can deal with complex tasks without getting wired up from it. Tawa has showed up during the work, on its own (well, duh). Nose popping has been occurring. 

Now yoga. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/1/20 2:40 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Crossposting to keep track:


Right now I'm wondering if I'm going (even more) crazy or if the following can be due to transmission: I was watching Lama Lena doing teachings on facebook live, and after she had talked about all thoughts and perceptions of the world come and go and having no substance, she said "Watch!" and then she was verbally silent for a long period but I could tell that she was still vividly communicating, as she so often is in those "silent" moments. I tuned into it and felt very relaxed and suddenly she disappeared, sort of, or was there like a ghost. Transparent! As it was twenty to four in the morning here in Sweden, I wrote a comment about it, attributing it to sleep deprivation. One person replied with a laughter emoji afterwards. Another practicioner said that it really had happened. So I watched the video in replay. The first time I was staring at the pixels and couldn't see it. Then I watched again, tuning into the vibes - and then I saw it again! Is that something that occurs in transmission? 

At another time, she asked us to watch her through our hands, between the fingers, and then watch a finger print, and then look back and forth. That was to illustrate how recognizing thoughts with our mind can first feel like watching ping pong, before we can comprehend it all at the same time and see that it isn't separate. The thing is, it wasn't like ping pong for me. When I focused on my finger print, I could still see Lama Lena as vividly, and she wasn't farther away than my finger print. There was no space, no perspective. Everything was just as close. I have had visions like that before (all after watching Lama Lena on youtube) and I thought that was just a quirk of the stage of my practice. Now I'm wondering if that was transmitted too. 

Is this what transmissions are like? 

I had my first experience of Dharmatta while practicing directly after watching Lama Lena on youtube. I attributed that to transmission, because it was so exceptionally clear, and I'd had the feeling that something had happened while watching too. That was more in line with what I expected. I had not expected a person to go invisible right before my eyes, apparent to some and not to others.


The live webcast was early yesterday morning, if I remember correctly. I just watched the replay a moment ago because I saw the comment from someone saying that it actually happened.

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/1/20 7:31 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
For the moment I'm focusing on Dzogchen as there are teachings available and I'm loving it. I have signed up for a three-day long online zoom retreat on the Melody of Silence with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche this weekend, but I will also squeeze in some Lama Lena live (it partly overlaps but not completely). I find that their teachings go together very well. I have also made contacts to hopefully be able to take part in a closed online zoom retreat with Lama Lena in May. This evening, after a well needed Ashtanga yoga session, during which the ujjayi breath was with me and therefore also my body, I have continued with my Ligmincha classes. I have really taken a liking to Tibetan chanting. In the beginning, the rhythms and the melodies felt a bit peculiar, and there always seemed to be too many syllables - which were all so difficult to pronounce - but now that I have gotten a grip on how the mantras are organized, they go straight to my heart. I love the intricate details. Not only do the positions of the dominating overtones of the syllables AH OM HUNG correspond with their associated chakras; so do the Tibetan signs for them (they take up three different heights in space, vertically). When I read the English translations to get a feel for the meaning of the mantras, I get shivers all over my body. It is the easiest way for me to get piti and sukha and equanimity. I could probably use it as a foundation for jhana practice. Maybe I'm actually becoming a Buddhist. I have bought a beautiful art print of Avalokiteshvara/Chenrezig that I will have framed as soon as I can afford it, and a mala, and I have found that I sleep so much better if I end the evening/night with Buddhist prayers after my practice.

Oh, I forgot to report something recently: I tried shouting the seed syllable PEH while in Jhana recently, because I wanted to know what it would be like to cut through such a pleasant state, if it would be a disappointment to have it shredded. It turned out that it wasn't. It was amazing. Vaste, open, free, clear. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/1/20 7:38 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
- deleted dubble posting -

(or edited instead of deleting, since there is a bug in the code that affects threads in which posts are deleted)

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 3:18 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Oh, I forgot to report something recently: I tried shouting the seed syllable PEH while in Jhana recently, because I wanted to know what it would be like to cut through such a pleasant state, if it would be a disappointment to have it shredded. It turned out that it wasn't. It was amazing. Vaste, open, free, clear. 


Actually, I may be mixing things up. It was a while ago so I don’t remember clearly exactly what state or non-state I was in. Another possibility is that I had a Dharmatta experience and wanted to see if it would hold up, and found that it could be even clearer. Hopefully my subconscious remembers what was learned even if my conscious mind mixes things up. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 3:50 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Crossposting to keep track:


Right now I'm wondering if I'm going (even more) crazy or if the following can be due to transmission: I was watching Lama Lena doing teachings on facebook live, and after she had talked about all thoughts and perceptions of the world come and go and having no substance, she said "Watch!" and then she was verbally silent for a long period but I could tell that she was still vividly communicating, as she so often is in those "silent" moments. I tuned into it and felt very relaxed and suddenly she disappeared, sort of, or was there like a ghost. Transparent! As it was twenty to four in the morning here in Sweden, I wrote a comment about it, attributing it to sleep deprivation. One person replied with a laughter emoji afterwards. Another practicioner said that it really had happened. So I watched the video in replay. The first time I was staring at the pixels and couldn't see it. Then I watched again, tuning into the vibes - and then I saw it again! Is that something that occurs in transmission? 

At another time, she asked us to watch her through our hands, between the fingers, and then watch a finger print, and then look back and forth. That was to illustrate how recognizing thoughts with our mind can first feel like watching ping pong, before we can comprehend it all at the same time and see that it isn't separate. The thing is, it wasn't like ping pong for me. When I focused on my finger print, I could still see Lama Lena as vividly, and she wasn't farther away than my finger print. There was no space, no perspective. Everything was just as close. I have had visions like that before (all after watching Lama Lena on youtube) and I thought that was just a quirk of the stage of my practice. Now I'm wondering if that was transmitted too. 

Is this what transmissions are like? 

I had my first experience of Dharmatta while practicing directly after watching Lama Lena on youtube. I attributed that to transmission, because it was so exceptionally clear, and I'd had the feeling that something had happened while watching too. That was more in line with what I expected. I had not expected a person to go invisible right before my eyes, apparent to some and not to others.


The live webcast was early yesterday morning, if I remember correctly. I just watched the replay a moment ago because I saw the comment from someone saying that it actually happened.
Allright... I asked Lama Lena and she says that she sometimes gets restless and wiggles a little and that there are many dimensions to wiggle in. 

Okay, maybe I am nuts, but I want to learn how to wiggle like that!

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 4:20 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Tonight I dreamt that I had a conversation with Dalai Lama and that he said that I should let the samsaric mud be stirred up and watch it, or something like that. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 1:45 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
I hope it's okay that I quote curious's post from his own thread in this log. It is relevant for my practice.


curious, in a separate thread on exercises for broadening the visual field:


Hi there, I thought people might be interested in this simple exercise for broadening awareness.  It comes from my physical practice and is adapted from martial arts with a buddhist influence.  But it is simple enough to do while sitting at the computer !

1. Calm the mind, so that it is like a still pool of water.
2. Look to the front while defocussing the eyes, (from budo "look at your opponent as you would look at a distant mountain.")
3. WIthout focussing or moving the eyes, practice putting your attention on the periphery of the visual field.
4. Then hold up your left hand, with one finger raised, about 30 cm in front of your eyes (don't focus on it - keep looking at the mountain).
5. Move your finger counterclockwise in a curve towards your left ear. Track it visually, but don't move your eyes.
6. Find the point at which you lose sight of the finger. At that point, move it back and forth, raise and lower additional fingers. Work out the limit of your visual field versus by perceiving movement in the fingers or counting the number of fingers being held upright.
7. Repeat 4-6 with the right hand, clockwise to the right ear.  Remember, don't move or focus your eyes.
8. Repeat using both hands simultaneously. Find the limits of your preception - try to get to near-180 degree visual awareness.
9. Then drop your hands. Add hearing and body sense to deepen awareness and fill in the whole sensory field, including behind you.
10. Sit or walk around enjoying this 360 degree perception. If you have some residual focus, push it up through the crown of the head so that it doesn't solidify in front of you.

You should then have mind like a pool of water, eyes like the moon, no narrative thought, and an intuitive awareness of the total field of perception. You might even get into a very lite jhana. It that doesn't work, then practice it for five minutes a day.  Soon you will be able to summon up this broad perceptual state without using the finger exercises.

If you wear glasses, take them off while you learn. They make it harder to defocus and the frame may block peripheral vision.

Metta

Malcolm






I have been doing this playfully because it suddenly became available after having had an unusual amount of tunnel vision for many years, propably due to having been so sensitive to impressions and felt a need to shield myself. Inspired by the post quoted above I tapped into this fully while being out to do an errand. It was amazing. It is almost storm outside. I was listening to an Avalokiteshvara mantra in my headphones and at the same time listening to the traffic and the wind rustling in dry leaves on the ground and in the tree crowns. I was feeling the wind and the ground and the... existence... The wind was holding me and holding everything, and I was thoroughly enjoying it all. My visual field was clearly wider than 180 degrees. Much wider. I estimate it to 240 degrees. It shouldn't be possible, but I'm probably just sufficiently crazy to be able to tap into stuff that shouldn't be available to me. I just took it all in, or through me, or through it all. I let it be vibrant. There were thoughts there too, but that didn't take away any of the vibrancy, or any of the stillness of it. And so it dawned on me: that's the way to get jhanic factors nowadays, by opening up to what used to overwhelm me completely. It's the dance of the stillness. I get it, and I love it. 

The feeling of seeing 240 degrees is just wow. 

Maybe I'm more suited for zhinei than for shamatha. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 10:51 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
It's an extatic wheather outside, almost as if my thrill manifested physically. There's storm and rain and sunshine and a rainbow, all at the same time. Or it was. And now suddenly it is calm, like nothing happened. 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 2:05 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Our assumptions about the eyes are yet another contraction. You can definitely get 170 degree of details, and 180 degrees of general impressions, from physical aspects alone. Then if you allow micro movements of your eyes while keeping your head still, 240 degrees of of impressions become available. And that is all before unleashing the full power of the meditative mind, and combining other senses to have an integrated perceptual field.

But we have this cartoonish concept of lines of vision shooting from our fovea through our pupils. Actually, the lenses protude, and can bend light, and there are photoreceptors all over the eye. And all that is before the pre-processing kicks in (e.g. writing over the blind spot). The eyes are vortexes of oblate perception, sucking in an entire hemisphere of information.

We live in caves of our own making, hunched over, watching the shadows on the wall.

Glad you like the exercise.  emoticon 

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
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4/2/20 4:42 PM as a reply to Not two, not one.
I don't know what is the limit for what is a micromovement, but it makes sense. I keep my eyes directed straigthly forward, not just my head, but just as I subvocalize inner talk I probably do some really tiny movements with my eyes too. I know that I'm doing something that makes the peripheral vision stand out more. I zoom out and switch to wide-angle