Polly Ester’s practice log 7

Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/17/20 3:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/18/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/18/20 12:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/19/20 3:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/20/20 5:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 1:57 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 6:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 8:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 12:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 1:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 1:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 1:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 2/21/20 2:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 2:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 3:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 4:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 4:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/24/20 2:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 10:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 9:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 5:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 4:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 9:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 11:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 1:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 1:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 2:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 5:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 7:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 10:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 2/23/20 1:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 2:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/24/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/25/20 9:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/25/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 4:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 7:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 3:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 6:04 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 1:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 4:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 11:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 9:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 3:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 10:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 11:04 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 1:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 2:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/2/20 4:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 12:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 3:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 4:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 6:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/5/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 2:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/6/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 6:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 7:01 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 10:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 7:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 3:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 1:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 5:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/7/20 6:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 7:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Siavash ' 3/7/20 8:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 8:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 9:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 8:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 4:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 8:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 12:16 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 8:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 8:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 9:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 9:21 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 11:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 11:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/9/20 1:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 2:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/9/20 10:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 7:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 6:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 1:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 6:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 2:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/12/20 4:14 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/12/20 6:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/14/20 3:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/15/20 6:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/15/20 2:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/16/20 8:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/16/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/17/20 9:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/18/20 5:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/19/20 12:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/19/20 6:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/19/20 8:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 7:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/20/20 9:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 9:25 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/20/20 9:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:16 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/20/20 2:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/21/20 4:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/22/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/23/20 4:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/23/20 4:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/24/20 12:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 8:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/25/20 8:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 8:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/25/20 8:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 9:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 9:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 10:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/25/20 10:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/26/20 6:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 7:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 12:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 9:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 8:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 10:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 11:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 11:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 12:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 9:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 11:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 9:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 9:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 5:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 10:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 3/29/20 4:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 2:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/4/20 10:23 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 5:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 4:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 4:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/31/20 4:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 12:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 10:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 2:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 3:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 7:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 3:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 7:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 4:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 1:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 10:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 2:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 4:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 5:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 6:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 6:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 7:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/2/20 8:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/3/20 5:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 hae1en 4/3/20 2:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/3/20 10:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/4/20 3:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 5:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/5/20 12:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 2:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/4/20 6:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 7:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 4:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/6/20 4:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/7/20 1:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/7/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/7/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 1:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 6:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/8/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 6:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 1:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 3:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 3:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 12:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:13 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 1:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/9/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 10:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 11:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 11:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 1:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 2:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/11/20 7:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 7:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/11/20 8:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 10:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/11/20 11:29 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/11/20 2:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 2:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/11/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 4:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/13/20 11:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 12:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/13/20 12:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 2:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 3:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 8:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 2:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 11:53 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 6:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 6:52 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 9:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/15/20 10:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/15/20 1:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/16/20 1:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/16/20 1:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/15/20 1:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/15/20 10:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/15/20 3:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/15/20 4:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 4:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 4:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/16/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 2:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 3:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/19/20 12:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/21/20 6:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/21/20 6:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 11:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 3:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Smiling Stone 4/17/20 5:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/17/20 7:23 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 5:09 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 1:40 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/17/20 3:42 PM
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Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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There is still this odd mix of on the one hand control-freaky yet unfocused racey and frantic mind, with parallell thought processes and parallell earworms going on, and tensing tourette-ticcing body, and on the other hand this calm space in the midst of it, around it and through it. The dukkha is as obvious as it could ever be but it doesn't really bother that space. There is habitual clenching but also automatic unclenching. There is recurring activity at the top of the head, almost like a gentle breeze. Things pop open behind the nose. There are those melting or raindroppy sensations from my left cheek bone and downward. There's a feeling that meditation is always going on in the background, with sensations of movement dancing around itself (?) and infrastructure refiguring itself (in a gentler way than before). Some instances of agencylessness.Took a nap during the day and stayed lucid for at least part of it. Happy. Something is exhausted but it doesn't feel like me.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/18/20 12:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Formal meditation 80 minutes, phenomenology similar to yesterday both on and off cushion.

Fractal cycling is getting more clear. In this reobservation-equanimity-A&P cycling loop, the dominating nana seems to be the subnana of A&P to the reobservation nana. What's that in numbers... 10.4? I recognize this from before SE, but I didn't identify the subnanas back then. It is frantic. Happy-happy but easily distracted and reactive and with lots of tics. If I ever were to develop mania, it would probably be in 10.4. This is why I developed the habit of reclining meditation. I sat for 50 minutes tonight and then lay down, not because I was uncomfortable but because my mind was going heywire. So f-ing hyper! Lying down helps with that. Lying down in my bed, jhanic factors showed up almost immediately. I think I was somewhere inbetween third vipassana jhana and third shamatha jhana. I could then see the subnanas develop. 10.5 was where it was most like shamatha jhana. In 10.6 there was a surge of adrenaline that pulled me up from that depth of still clear water and stirred it around. In 10.7 it was as if that sirring around had also stirred up some mud. In 10.8 there was energetic activity with more fierce vibrations. Then the bell rang. I'm expecting a partner arriving from Stockholm any minute now. I feel a bit guilty (but not that much) because I would really want to continue to meditate. 

After leaving the formal practice, it feels like 10.4 is the default nana again. It is an utterly unstable nana, though, so it fluctuates.

I think that before SE when I used to have severe pain in reobservation, this was during the 10.3. That explains why it was piti that took the pain away. The pain disappeared already in 10.4, not in equanimity as I thought. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/18/20 12:24 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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The subnanas continue to unfold off cushion. I recognize it now. It's amazingly fast. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/19/20 3:43 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Crossposting for the sake of keeping track:

I had a stubborn spiritosomatic headache today. It seems to arise when I feel the urge to meditate more but choose to prioritize differently. I used to think of this as stagnated energy (Kundalini or whatever), which I think in one sense is true but also misleading if I associate that with some power separated from ”me” or within ”me” and yet different from the rest of ”me”. So I asked myself ”Do I really have a headache because energies stagnated as a consequence of not practicing more, or is it because I think I should have practiced more?” After all, energy is intentions and/or beliefs manifesting themselves through the attentional system, or something like that. Thus, the energetic pain is basically a mental blueball phenomenon. That’s just stupid.

I knew this and still couldn’t transcend the pain. That is, until a conversation triggered a memory of when a baby hare mistook one of my cats for its mum and clinged to him for food and comfort. At first he was confused and backed away, which looked very funny. However, later I found the little leveret torn to pieces in my patio. The thought that maybe it thought that it was its mum that did this to it... It breaks my heart. Thinking about this, I felt the kind of nausea that usually means that an insight needs to happen. It was like poisoned mud being stirred up and moving about. I know exactly what to do with that. I deal with it on a strict sensate level. There it is just bubbles arising and popping. So I did, and it dissolved. And what do you know - it took the headache too! Just like that. Just a moment before, the headache was very dense. I could feel the sore points very tangibly, and I could feel it radiating from other points that were stiff. After this dissolving, which took maybe a few seconds, there were no sore points and no stiff points there. It was as if there hadn’t even been any pain there to begin with. The nausea lingered a little while, moving about, and then dissolved too. Then there were lots of clickings and snappings and poppings in my head, making it easier to breath, and that gentle breeze.

It is all so illusory.

And yet one may need to resolve suffering with suffering, just like one needs to resolve a fatty stain with fat, because just letting go is too easy for it to feel possible.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/20/20 5:40 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I treated myself to a two hour long digital gong bath (praise the universe for youtube and headphones) and found that the body knew exactly what to do to dissolve tensions. I could feel it disentangling in a very physical way while also sleep-breathing. There were some dream visions, and each time I identified them as dreams there was this strong light. Tissues connecting muscles and bones relaxed and opened up. Muscle knots dissolved. My hands opened up; they usually close themselves when I think they are relaxed, but now it seems that whatever tissue it is that closes them is starting to relax. Now my left hand crackles when I move it and I feel that blood is flowing more freely. It is the tendon running to the fingers that are crackling. They stand out on the backs of both my hands in a way that I haven't seen before. I could feel that seeping along a line in my face, and when I centered my focus instead of attending to that particular side, the seeping spread. I could feel a similar seeping along my lower arms, and now there are lines there as well, on both arms. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:57 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Apart from the gong bath yesterday I did some regular vipassana, yoga, and - when I remembered to do so (it will take patience and diligent work to make this the default approach) - pictured both myself and everyone and everything else as energetic and thus illusory manifestations of the divine (or whatever one wants to call it), and tried to be aware of changes in the screen as I fell asleep in the night and also when I woke up this morning. There were patterns, grainy ones but definitely something along the spectrum of sacred geometry. No lucidity during the night sleep.

The energetic headache revisited a few times. The first time I noticed the though "Why do I still have this headache?", but I rerouted that thought into "Why do I still believe in this headache?" (as something that is solid and mine). That allowed me to see the flow of it and how illusory it is, and it stopped bothering me. I applied that thought every time the headache popped up as something solid, and it worked. 

I'm looking into possibilities of going on retreat within Europe. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 6:01 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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This morning I have practiced the five point position, focusing on stillness, dedication of merit, and the nine breathings of purification as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. That tradition seems to be a reasonable framework for lucid sleep practices and illusory body practices, as well as for understanding my energetic exoeriences, and the Rinpoche seems very approachable and teaches online. If I practice the basics of his teachings, more advanced courses will then be available. I have listened to teachings by him for a while and tried out some of his methods. The symbolic language resonates fairly well with me. Visualization is not my strong suit, though. Thankfully, I think I may actually be feeling the energy channels, at least partly. I know that there are different versions of them, and I find that somewhat confusing, especially sine I also do yoga and some qigong. Mixing the frameworks can be tricky, but I choose to think of it as a reminder that they are all constructions and that all manifestations are illusory (basically magickal creations) - something that I believe applies to medical frameworks as well (those are widely consensual and therefore very solidified). One additional practical adavantage of this framework is that it fits pretty well with other Ribetan practices that I have taken an interest in, such as the teachings of Lama Lena (who talks in a way that I understand), Ken McLeod, Catherine McGee, and also with Michael Taft's nondual teachings, which in turn combine the nondual practice with both vipassana and shamatha.

I still feel like Michael Taft is my teacher, although it was only 10 lessons, so compatibilty with his teachings will probably continue to be a great plus. One of the many reasons I wanted to work with him was that he ties together many different traditions and methods. I want to be able to combine and modify methods in an eclectic way. I want to know what each method does and how it relates to the other ones so that I use every tool for its right purpose. I also want to be able to play with the tools, just not in a way that resembles using a screwdriver as a hammer. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 8:39 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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During the part of the nine breathings of purification that is supposed to breath out attachment and desire, I sensed a taste and smell on the outbreath. It was the same one as I also sensed during Kundalini yoga exercises the other day. The taste and smell was subtle but felt slightly unhealthy. 

This is probably my way of visualizing.

It smelled pretty much like fear.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 12:10 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
During the part of the nine breathings of purification that is supposed to breath out attachment and desire, I sensed a taste and smell on the outbreath. It was the same one as I also sensed during Kundalini yoga exercises the other day. The taste and smell was subtle but felt slightly unhealthy. 

This is probably my way of visualizing.

It smelled pretty much like fear.

Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.

---

At yoga class today I felt that energetic breeze at the crown chakra again. It seems to appear at the end of the outbreath. The idea of breathing out throught the central channel and through the crown chakra thus seems to correspond with phenomenology. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:


Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.


A little extract from one of my favourite suttas on this point, with some notes.  This is Dhammadinnah schooling her ex-husband, who abandoned her to follow the dharma.  She thought, damn it, I will too then.  And then totally outpaced him  ...

Culavedalla: "Is passion-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all pleasant feeling? Is resistance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all painful feeling? Is ignorance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling?"

So do you have to be become completley passionless and totally accepting? The answer is, as you already know ...

Dhammadinnah: "No... There is the case where a monk — quite withdrawn from sensuality, withdrawn from unskillful qualities — enters & remains in the first jhana: rapture & pleasure born from withdrawal, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. With that he abandons passion. No passion-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk considers, 'O when will I enter & remain in the dimension that those who are noble now enter & remain in?' And as he thus nurses this yearning for the unexcelled liberations, there arises within him sorrow based on that yearning. With that he abandons resistance. No resistance-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk, with the abandoning of pleasure & pain — as with the earlier disappearance of elation & distress — enters & remains in the fourth jhana: purity of equanimity & mindfulness, neither pleasure nor pain. With that he abandons ignorance. No ignorance-obsession gets obsessed there."

In other words, you only have to get these insights once. To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight -  and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.

Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta.  ANY JHANA WILL DO.  Here is an example from the first Jhana (emphasia mine)

https://suttacentral.net/mn64/en/horner

"Whatever is there of material shape, feeling, perception, the habitual tendencies, consciousness—he beholds these things as impermanent, suffering, as a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction, as other, as decay, empty, not-self. He turns his mind from these things; and when he has turned his mind from these things he focuses his mind on the deathless element, thinking: ‘This is the real, this the excellent, that is to say the tranquillising of all the activities, the casting out of all clinging, the destruction of craving, dispassion, stopping, nibbāna. If he is steadfast therein, he achieves destruction of the cankers; if he does not achieve destruction of the cankers, then through his attachment to Dhamma, his delight in Dhamma, through his utter destruction of the five fetters binding to the lower (shore), he is of spontaneous uprising, one who attains nibbāna there, not liable to return from that world"

Apply this teaching to the jhana factors - the piti and ratpure, or to space without boundary, and see what you find.

:-)

Malcolm
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:25 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Thankyou Malcolm! I will try, as soon as I feel like doing shamatha again. For some reason, I'm not particularly motivated for that kind of practice at the moment. Your advice usually works for me so I'll bear it in mind. Inclinations tend to change anyway, so opportunities will arise. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:33 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Weirdly enough, I found I didn't actually have to do shamatha for this. Rather, the insight just came on me as I was walking along, and was applied to my memory of jhana factors.  I suddently understood what Uncle Sid was on about.  I kind of knew it already intellectually, but hadn't really seen it directly for myself.  Luckily I knew enough by then to really wallow in the insight and follow it to related matters as far as I could - to "squeeze the honey out of it".  

So just be open to this insight if it arrives.  Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
T, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 2:15 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I did it at the dentist

As in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 2:36 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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T:
I did it at the dentist

As in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?

Not exactly, I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space.  This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.

The other example was an account I read from the Thai forest tradition, where out of love for all sentient beings a monk offerred up his arm for all the very many mosquitos to feast on. To me, this corresponds exactly with what Dhammadinnah was saying (and what I describe above) about giving up resistance obsession out of yearning for the dharma.  But the old words need a bit of modern interpretation to be made clear - which is why we have buddha - dharma - sangha.  The sangha can explain the dharma, despite drifts in expression and cultural and literary style over thousands of years.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:

I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space.  This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.


I tried that too early in my practice. It did not work. emoticon
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:28 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Poor Polly! It doesn't have to be such challenging pain - anything that provokes resistance obsession will do, as long as you observe it closely enough to see what is happening, and then let it continue to happen but without the resistance obsession.  Maybe cleaning up cat vomit would do the trick if you found that particularly unpleasant, for example - spot the emotion and the contraction, and let them continue to happen without solidifying into an anguished reaction.  That will still require strong concentration - to observe and let some parts of the process happen, without leading to resistance obsession.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:39 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I think I may slowly and gradually be on the right track with the intense headache that keeps coming back.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:14 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:
Weirdly enough, I found I didn't actually have to do shamatha for this. Rather, the insight just came on me as I was walking along, and was applied to my memory of jhana factors.  I suddently understood what Uncle Sid was on about.  I kind of knew it already intellectually, but hadn't really seen it directly for myself.  Luckily I knew enough by then to really wallow in the insight and follow it to related matters as far as I could - to "squeeze the honey out of it".  

So just be open to this insight if it arrives.  Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
Good. I think I might be doing that. Right now, piti and sukkha feel like an effort. Like... I don't know if you have ever been in a relationships where cuddling leading up to sex feels so predictable and effortful that one rather just avoids it (it's not like that for me now but I remember it too well many years later). Like one knows the drill too well and knows that it will be over soon (too soon for it to give any release) and then one needs to get washed and it just isn't worth getting excited about it. Shamatha feels like that right now. Except I also remember the time the jhanas just unfolded over and over again until I was so drained that I had to interrupt it by watching netflix, and I really don't feel like going there either, even though it did lead to release, over and over again until it was completely bizarre. It was just too frantic. I know that kind of relationship as well. I said no to that this weekend because I feel the need to be alone and silent and meditate in stillness. Thus I'd rather not do the kind of meditation that would basically be the same stuff. Sorry if I'm being too outspoken. That was the only way I could think of that would explain what I mean.

Right now I prefer the simplicity of just giving awareness the space to be lucid, without doing anything with it. It feels fresh, clean and simple and at the same time so very alive. And so ridiculously familiar. 

I did this guided meditation by Michael Taft, which was very much about that. https://youtu.be/Wi1XqTlCQXY

There were a couple of showers of piti, but they weren't appealing at all. It felt like freezing. 

I'll probably get motivated to do jhanas again, maybe sooner than it feels like. I really do think that awareness enjoys playing once in a while. Not that I think that awareness is some entity with a history and personality. It seems to be born anew in every given moment. The inclination  to explore is just inherent in awareness. I guess if that weren't the case, there would be no awareness. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:31 PM
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And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:42 PM
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curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

Apart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 4:27 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

Apart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?

Bzzt!  Thank you playing. Wrong.  It's actually something to do with the flip side of that.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 4:44 PM
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Okay, good. Because if this was it, I'd be disappointed.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/24/20 2:31 PM
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curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.


Maybe it feels like freezing because it is freezing, that is, freezing the moment and the flow of phenomena.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:13 AM
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curious:

To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight -  and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.

Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta. 


I have no idea whether what I described above counts as part of the process you were talking about. It seems too simple. And I wasn't deconstructing any jhana. I just completely forgot about it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/21/20 9:35 AM
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That energetic headache turns out to be a pretty helpful meditation object. It pops up now and then, and I tune into the sensate level of it. First  it becomes less solid, as the phenomenon of it is ungraspable. The story of sore spots have been stripped away. Instead there is the feeling that I have been calling nausea, which is more like filthy mud being stirred up. Then I strip away the stories about that, and the vedana. Then what is left is vibrations. Then a new story is often linked together about the pleasantness of vibrations, but that is just as much a construction.  There can be attachment to the pleasantness, and that can cause pain too. I try to let it come, let it be and let it go. There's a freedom in that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/22/20 5:03 AM
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I don't believe the brain fog to be a bad thing anymore. It's just ignorance being stirred up so that it can be aware. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/22/20 5:08 AM
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Whaaaaat... writing the above resulted in a huge shower of piti that dissolved the knots in my muscles leading to headache and now I'm f-ing freezing.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/22/20 4:07 PM
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Morning: nine breathings of purification.

Day: an hour of just resting, being in awareness. Head shook itself, hands moved and unclenched, mouth opened itself, and so forth. Lots of unclenching going on.

Evening: about an hour of zhine as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, focusing on the stillness of the body. This feels broader than I usually picture shamatha, but the Rinpoche says that it is a form of shamatha. If so, I have been doing much more shamatha than I have realized. This is exactly what I have been doing all along as one of my default practices. Now that I have been doing some Dzogchen for a while (a beginner's version anyway), this feels very dense in comparison. Broad and dense at the same time. Coming out of it, I almost couldn't see. Focusing my eyes was impossible. During the session, there was a phase when I could not think verbally. There were thoughts going on that I could notice but I could not translate them into language. They were more like textures. I think they had sounds, like talk, but it wasn't recognizable as words. 

Throughout the day I have come back to inclining towards just allowing awareness to be aware of itself and to trying to approach everything as a dream. The latter is hard, though. I really do think that the mind is creating our reality just like in dreams, but there sure is more consensus about the daytime dreams so it feels much more solid. Still I know that it can be surprisingly unsolid. Very dense pain can go away just like that. This reminds me of that experiment I used to do as a child: if someone holds up a pencil in both ends, one can easily split it with one finger if one looks beyond it, to the floor. If one looks at the pencil, on the other hand, the pencil becomes solid and the finger can't go through it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/22/20 9:26 PM
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This night lucidity has appeared now and then during the night sleep. It seems to be during phases of light sleep, because excitement about it tends to wake me up. In one of the instances I remember it happening after dreaming that I was meditating. Some screen is involved. The grainy one. The murk chrystallizes into pixels that then form a pattern of sacred geometry. So... hypnopomp lucidity? It has happened several times. Maybe the intention of maintaining lucidity interferes with my sleep.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/22/20 11:17 PM
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And now I noticed myself making active decisions about the plot in my dream, which made it lucid of sorts. Then I got lost in content again but got lucidity back when I noticed that. I decided to write about it here, but I was too tired to actually wake up so I dreamt that I did, but I noticed that I didn't so I woke myself up to do it. 

No skillful usage of the semi-lucidity. I was too caught up in content. I only remember fragments of the content. It had rivalry in it. Weird dream. I wasn't me and the content was very atypical. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:03 AM
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Now I'm not sure whether I just a moment ago dreamt that I woke up and checked the time and noticed that the alarm was to ring five minutes later, or if I just dreamt that I actually woke up and checked. Regardless of which, I was right. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:19 AM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Now I'm not sure whether I just a moment ago dreamt that I woke up and checked the time and noticed that the alarm was to ring five minutes later, or if I just dreamt that I actually woke up and checked. Regardless of which, I was right. 
Sorry, but which simulation is the real one? Asking for a friend! 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:51 AM
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I don't think there is a real one, but I guess I'm still treating the consensual reality as more real out of habit.

---

Morning: a short session of nine breathings of purification, resting in stillness, warrior seed syllable A, and dedications of merit to all sentient beings. Soon I'll go to a yoga class, focusing on one of the elements. The schedule doesn't say which one.
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 2:38 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I don't think there is a real one, but I guess I'm still treating the consensual reality as more real out of habit
Consensual reality? "We both have truths. Are yours the same as mine?" - Pontius Pilate, Jesus Christ Superstar

Also, refer to mind training - see the world as a dream, or as the fourth screen of the fire kasina. It is the greatest siddhi of them all. :-)

(Edit: by 'it' I mean consensual reality ...)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 5:07 AM
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Of course there is no full consensus on anything, but still most people take some extent of intersubjectivity for granted. Social interaction is dependent on it. Pyschosis or confabulation in dementia challenge it and makes people insecure about how to interact. Consensual reality or intersubjectivity can be seen as very powerful magick as it is so consensual that it becomes almost solid, like you said. I wrote that in Siavash's log yesterday. This is actually my research area, although I leave out the magickal framework, at least explicitly. We (the research group) do treat reality as we know it as constantly constructed in social interaction, though. I see no contradiction with the dharma there. 

On my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. That's just beliefs holding "me" back. I took in the details and the richness of it and was amazed by the mind. I usually do not pay that much of attention to visuals, but now when I did, they felt familiar. I probably have seen them but just shut the door to those manifestations for some reason. It sure helped that I have new glasses through which I can actually see more than rough contours. The fact that I'm trying out progressive lenses for the first time added to the experience, as it rendered things less solid and more dreamy - and yet much more solid than last Thursday when they were brand new, which illustrates very tangibly how much of what we see is a construct. 

I lay down to rest about 15 minutes before the yoga class, and I started to melt. The face flattened and melted down, with lots of sensations especially in and around the lips; I suppose that is what people often describe as having enlargened lips. I haven't thought of it like that before. I tend to think of it more like the lips and the area around them are dissolved into an energy field that sort of takes on a life of its own. The yoga class focused on the air element. It was challenging. Sometimes my visual field was pixelated bacause of the strain and because of temporary dizziness. Sometimes there were like bright starts burst out in the murk. Sometimes there was a colored dot/spot in front of me, red or blackish blue. Sometimes it was like a teal haze, sometimes a glowing warm reddish orb, sometimes both in combination. In shavasana at the end, there were purple swirls and some grainy flat patterns. 

It felt like the exercises of the class stirred up and eventually dissolved (?) some mud. That was probably well needed. I didn't feel any smell coming out this time. Maybe I was just more visually tuned this time. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 4:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

On my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. 
Exactly!  This is not to deny that there is an underlying reality - something is generating the sense data packets, after all. But it's fascinating to see how our being is contracted around one particular method of intepretating this sense data. And this is not a skilful contraction, because it is inextricably tied up with dukkha/suffering/inherent unsatisfactoriness (or that nagging sense of original sin, if you are a Catholic).

We strive endlessly towards ownership of the 'other', when it is just a phantasm of our minds. Our lives are spent grapsing at smoke. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 7:22 AM
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Once again my eyes were so relaxed during an hour of Dzogchen-type meditation (Michal Taft) that I don't remember how to focus them. Everything is just a blur despite my new glasses. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 10:08 AM
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I decided to give earth kasina another try and to be less bothered by ideas about what a learning image should look like and what should happen. I sat for 30 minutes, alternating between looking at the clay tray and closing my eyes to focus on the after image. Then I lay down for 30 minutes to just pay attention to what happened in the visual field, bearing in mind that my mind does know how to visualize since it visualizes stuff everyday in the wakeful dream reality. I could rather easily smooth out the clay tray in my looking at it so that diverging details of the surface were sort of photoshopped away. The after image was beautiful, a blue or indogo-colored disk with a bright golden halo. It looked just like an eclipse. To my surprise it actually did transform into something that reminded of the claytray - a terracotta/apricot disc. It wasn't as distinct as I know the red dot of the fire kasina to be, and it never reached that richly detailed version that I have seen in fire kasina during jhana either, and it didn't last nearly as long. However, as I refreshed my gaze at the kasina, a black disc showed up. At least that trajectory was familiar. After the black disc the imagery was less distinct. It was shimmery and vague but at least the murk was alive. In the latter part of the session, when I was lying down, there were the usual flourescent violet swirls but with an overlay of apricot swirling. When that calmed down, I found that I could visualize the claytray pretty well without being disturbed by the murk. I was very relaxed and got into somewhat dreamy territory, and sometimes there was this flash of solidifying that is hard to explain. Like I could have reached out and touched the claytray hovering over me, even though I didn't see it that clearly. Kinesthetically I believed in it being there. 

Something that I like about the earth kasina is how grounding it is. I have had many periods in my life when I have been spaced out and needed to ground myself in different ways. In such periods, I haven't even been able to hug a friend in a swimming pool without my whole body floating up all by itself, and if I have been standing up, my body has become like boiled spaghetti. I have often found myself unable to lift my arms as there was no connection to the body. This has been accompanied by a special form of anxiety that is ungrounded in its nature. Now I'm thinking of this as a tendency to have the earth element dissolved. Grounding really helps, and interestingly enough, even if one buys into the psychiatric framework of dissociation (as I used to do with self-diagnosis), the therapy recommendations are filled with grounding exercises. I find that making it into a ritual, as in some homebaked magick, actually works even better. I don't find that very surprising. Thinking of oneself as dissociative really doesn't help with the grounding. Thinking of oneself as someone who can tune into and work with the earth element, on the other hand, has exactly the right connotations. Stable, firm, grounded, steady, solid, stoic even. It does wonders for my posture and balance. Also, I don't think there is much of a risk that regular sessions of earth kasina will make me too earthy, unless I go for an intense retreat. 

I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way. 
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Lars, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way. 

Chapter 4 of the Visuddhimagga covers the earth kasina. As you mentioned, it's not exactly short but you might find it useful. You can find free PDF versions online. Don't remember where I found it unfortunately.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/23/20 2:07 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/24/20 2:38 PM
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Practice today:

Day: one hour of noticing with all senses.
Evening: 75 minutes of yoga asanas + one hour of pranayama and meditation in a restorative yoga position.

I have booked an 8 day meditation retreat in May here in Sweden but with teachers from Gaia House in England and registered myself as a student at Ligmincha International.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/25/20 9:26 AM
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This morning before waking up I was convinced that I was doing energy work. It involved twisting the wrist of my left arm to remove energy blockages. When I woke up I remembered that I hadn't been able to do the same thing with my right wrist. Now, late afternoon, the same thing happened during meditation. There were lots of kriyas, including twisting my left wrist. It definitely felt like it took away a blockage. I tried to do the same thing intentionally with my right wrist, as it wouldn't happen on its own, but that didn't do the trick. Now my right wrist feels blocked. 

I have done the nine breathings of purification. I sure needed it. This has been a miserable day. I have been feeling completely worthless. It felt like nothing would ever help. I had been to a meeting with a children's psychologist who could no nothing to help my kid. It made me doubt  that meditation would ever do any good too. I wasn't motivated to even try. However, I recognized that as doubt, so I automatically started noting. Somehow, that cleared up the respiratory tract and made things literally click in my head. So I thought I might as well at least do that breathing exercise when I for once had all those feelings laid bare to work with. And so I did. It allowed for some peace to mix in with the remaining grief. Then I did 30 minutes of six different mini-slots. Then I lay down to relax and let the body unclench on its own and the energy body to do whatever it needed to do, which apparently involved lots of kriyas. They scared away one of my cats. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/25/20 3:00 PM
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Being interrupted 30 times or so while trying to meditate on a night when everything feels like shit sure sheds light on aversions. It wasn't hard to find stuff to note. I even got angry because noting worked. It was like the universe was telling me that my kid's wellbeing wasn't important. So then I noted clinging to anger. And anger anger anger. It kept giving me signs that it is working and part of me is still pissed off because of that. 

At least awareness's recognition of itself is accessible. 

I feel thoughts energetically before they have words. Every single one of them changes the energy field.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/26/20 4:42 AM
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I'm darknighting hard (potentially PMDD-related). I woke up too early this morning in deep misery, and there was no relief in the dharma. Emptiness seemed empty in a bad way. I would have wanted to die if I had believed that there were relief in dying. A couple of hours later I managed to lay down to meditate. It was hazy and slow but with peripheral clarity. No kriyas. I was cold. It felt like lying on the bottom of a very muddy and sticky pond, sort of, for about one and a half hour. Then suddenly things changed. I can't wrap my head around exactly what happened as it doesn't seem to fit the map, or maybe I just didn't notice the gradual progression of dukkha nanas as it was all just an abyss. Anyway, suddenly there was clarity and phenomena seemed to synch up. I could see inummerable dots of light flashing by, and the body temperature rised so I had to take away blankets. Then it returned to normal-shitty non-pathological low. I don't know if there was a short bounce up into equanimity or down to A&P or if it was just the relief of coming out from the depth of misery and disgust that jump-started me a bit. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/26/20 7:45 AM
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45 minutes basically comprising of depressive mindwandering and nausea with a few odd showers of freezingly cold piti. Occasional observations of how the mind contracted around stuff and created points that thought they were centers. Instances of spaciousness here and there, accompanied of reality appearing in multisensorial chunks. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/26/20 3:24 PM
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Things brightened up during the day. It may have been the fact that I did the nine breathings of purification on public transports, holding up a napkin and pretending to blow my nose, that did the trick, or maybe the Tsa Lung exercises, or the prospect of getting to do two and a half hours of yoga in the evening. Whatever it was, space opened up and the breath was exquisite. Now I plan to meditate until I fall asleep.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/27/20 6:04 AM
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Morning practice was rather dull. 30 minutes divided into sid slots. One observation was that when ideas pop up for me, they tend to do so in a non-discursive way, using a combination of kinesthetic and touch sensations, visuals and smells. A lot of my discursive thoughts are translations from sensorial ideas into discourse. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/27/20 1:42 PM
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I'm trying to summarize my practice after SE in a document. I started it several months ago and then life got in the way. When I reread the summary so far today, I recognized my current practice from the section that I named "stuck in newbie territory" which occurred after the late review phase. It was ridiculously similar. Thus I hypothesized that a narrow focus would work well again, so I decided to try focusing on my breath under the nose. I did so for about 70 minutes, part of which I spent in a light first jhana. Okay then. So maybe I'm not darknighting, but dealing with the 3C nana. That was always a tough one for me. That would also explain all the kriyas and the pain I have been dealing with lately. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/27/20 4:09 PM
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On the other hand... I'm watching teachings about how our sensory experiences are vibrational, and there are a bunch of people who can't even relate to that, which is clear from their questions and comments. I don't get how it is possible not to notice it. I mean, that's just obvious. So I guess newbie stage is a relative thing. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/27/20 11:15 PM
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I dreamt that I was meditating on the vibrational flow in all sense gates and then I woke up in a light fourth jhana which however faded away. I'm using conventional language with regard to sleep and wakefulness here although I don't really believe in those boundaries anymore. Apparently there are still unconscious thought patterns that believe in the difference, as there is such a difference with regard to what is accessble. Fourth jhana has been out of reach lately, but obviously the unconscious knows how to get there when some processes are asleep. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/28/20 9:32 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I dreamt that I was meditating on the vibrational flow in all sense gates and then I woke up in a light fourth jhana which however faded away. I'm using conventional language with regard to sleep and wakefulness here although I don't really believe in those boundaries anymore. Apparently there are still unconscious thought patterns that believe in the difference, as there is such a difference with regard to what is accessble. Fourth jhana has been out of reach lately, but obviously the unconscious knows how to get there when some processes are asleep. 

It was the fourth vipassana jhana, not shamatha jhana.

---

I followed Michael Taft's newest guided meditation today. I don't find them as frustrating nowadays as I did before. They used to "work" for me so well at times and then at other times I didn't get them at all. Now I understand that I'm not supposed to get them, not the way I thought anyway. They aren't designed to result in trips. During our last sessions he explained to me his view of the difference between vipassana and non-dual practice, and he said that the latter didn't involve the drilling that vipassana does. I'm starting to understand what he was pointing at. And in this session it was clear that I still cling to the drilling. I never thought of it as drilling because that's not how I would have put it, but I can see that there is "zooming in" on sensations going on, and that the zooming in does things to the experiences. Which is totally valid. Nothing wrong with that. But I suspect that it would be a good thing to stay mindful of what it is that I'm currently doing and not confuse methods with each other. Interesting. Different pathways lead to different phenomenology. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/28/20 3:55 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Evening: two hours of shamatha, with varied quality. Second jhana is available again. The nada sound works as a nimitta again. It seems like timing is important. It doesn't work if I start with focusing on the sound. I need to start with the breath and then switch over to the sound when the concentration is strong enough for the sound to manifest as a nimitta rather than empty space. When the timing is right, vibrations in all sense gates synch up. That makes it easier for piti to turn into sound and for the sound to be distilled into light. It makes me think of alchemy. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:02 AM
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Morning: 75 minutes of Vinyasa yoga, 2 h of a combination between yin yoga and restorative yoga. During the shivasana of the first yoga class, there was a blip (impermanence door) right after I had let go of stubborn tics and opened up to the moment.

Afternoon: one hour of what started out as shamatha on the breath but turned into just opening up to the present moment. I forgot all about the breath as glimpses of awareness recognizing itself showed up in all their amazing simplicity. Layers of tensions dissolved. There was another blip. 

I had just accepted that I was going to be stuck in lower nanas for a while. I don't know what to think of this. 

These blips stand out very clearly because of the special sound in the coming back (it's an electronic beep) and the "What the f-uck?!" or disruptiveness of it all. They always come as a surprise. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/29/20 12:11 PM
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Did the five Tsa Lung Movements. The one that felt most clearing was the pervasive wind element wind, which wan't that much of a surprise as it is said to clear away blockages for success (I didn't see that until after doing it). I'm a chronic procrastinator with enormous performance anxiety. Seems like the perfect exercise for me. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 2/29/20 11:04 PM
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There are structures of bright light in various colors spinning around in my peripheral vision. It happens when I try to watch netflix so maybe it's from processing the light from the ipad screen.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/1/20 1:20 AM
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Okay, now I heard a voice in my ear. It was on the threshold between sleep and wakefulness (still can't find better words for it although that categorization is obviously rather arbitrary) so it was probably a hypnagogic or hypnopomp hallucination. The voice didn't say anything comprehensible. It was a male voice and it sounded like American English pronunciation, but it sounded like "thought-ass" or something, haha. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/1/20 2:46 AM
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My peripheral vision has improved again. Now I can see some details 180 degrees. 

Still too much sense of agency to be anywhere near what third path is supposed to be, though. I'll probably need hundreds of bug fixes before that happens. 

Edited to add: I don't even know what is normal vision. I'm pretty sure that I started out with an unusually narrow and limited visual field.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/1/20 4:35 AM
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I just had a yoga class focusing on balance, and noticed that my balance has suddenly improved tangibly too. That has happened before after  fruitions and it didn't last, so I'm not expecting any miracles. Still, it was pretty cool. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/1/20 7:03 AM
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I have noticed that selfing is very much embodied (having Tourette makes this very tangible), and so I'm experimenting with relaxing the body so much that selfing can't occur. Interesting how complete stillness of the body also stills the mind. Also, it tends to get very bright. Lots of popping going on. 

I couldn't tell where my body ended and my cat's body began. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/2/20 4:59 PM
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My drastically improved balance was back to normal already today. I wasn't surprised. This doesn't feel like a review phase so I'll assume that those fruitions were from an earlier path. I have had a horrible headache today (due to eating a small amount of black pepper; this body is ridiculously sensitive) so my practice today mainly focused on that. I found that it really makes a difference when I manage not to contract around the pain. I also did a yoga class and a pranayama class. There were some tinglings at the crown chakra. I dwelled in the space of awareness recognizing itself. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/3/20 2:54 PM
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Something came up today that made me reflect on my cravings and aversions. A few days ago I realized that I had missed the opportunity of going to Iceland for a conference. I discovered that I had misunderstood when I would be notified about my submitted abstract. I was waiting for the notice in vain, and so I searched my inbox and noticed that I had received a message several weeks ago where they did not accept my abstract as part of the symposium I had intended to be part of. Instead they encouraged me to send in the abstract anew, for an individual presentation. I had totally missed that, and now it was too late. I discovered this very early in the morning and in the midst of the abyss of wanting-to-die-pms, and I was devastated, while at the same time being very aware that the suffering was caused by my wanting it to be different. Being aware of that didn't help as much as I would have wished (another set of cravings and aversions noted). A few days later, when the pms had ended, it wasn't that bad. I was saying to myself that I really need to focus on writing my book anyway, and that flying is bad for the environment. I was okay with it but still disappointed both with the crushed dream of finally getting to experience Iceland and with myself for making that stupid mistake.

Then today I was told that nobody in my research group will go to that conference, because that symposium was not accepted and everyone who had applied for an individual presentation were offered to do poster presentations only. I was so relieved. That doesn’t make sense at all. I was happy because I wouldn’t miss out on anything - but that isn’t true, as I still won’t go to Iceland. I was relieved because suddenly it wasn’t a mistake not to make that new application. Instead of missing it, I now spared myself unnecessary work. But it’s not like the history has really changed. And yet it has, because history is a story that we tell ourselves. It is so illusory. I even said out loud that I had felt so bad for nothing, which is kind of funny, because that is really suffering in its making. I couldn’t even just be happy now (which is silly too), but I felt bad for feeling bad earlier! That lasted only a few seconds, though, thankfully, because it was so obviously empty.

Thankfully my colleagues didn’t seem very sad. They all work fulltime and can afford to travel to Iceland for holidays. Still I feel a bit ashamed for being happy that my colleagues didn’t get to go to Iceland either, becuse that is the only ”fact” that has changed. I suppose that counts as ill will, even though it feels more like being spared from envying them, which would also be ill will. And my feeling ashamed doesn’t make anything better. That’s not a strong feeling, though. I think it falls into the category of being human. The crown of the creation, my ass.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:31 PM
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And I still haven't really learned the lesson... I just realized that I was supposed to reconfirm, again, that I still want to be on the waiting list for a Goenka retreat that starts tomorrow. I did now, and they can still contact me tomorrow, but I may have missed opportunities since they sent out that email the last time, which I feel bad about. The message was identical to one they have sent before so I didn't realize that they were expecting another reply (I kept checking their website record of our correspondence, and I didn't realize that it was a new copy of the same message). At least this time I find myself hoping that nobody got sick the last few days, which feels better than in the post above, but it still illustrates how storytelling is deeply entangled with craving and aversion and how much I identify with this constructed entity ("me") and put it at the center of everything.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:41 PM
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Then it dawned on me that maybe this means that somebody who longs for a retreat even more than me got to go, and that feels good. There is some joy for others accessible there as well. That's a relief (self grasping noted).
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:48 PM
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Apparently the thought of something being "my own fault" is a trigger for reactive patterns. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/4/20 12:45 AM
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I did some wakeful dream yoga exercises yesterday, imagining dreamsigns in the wakeful experience and planted the intention to remember dreams (seems like a reasonable first steps). I actually remember quite a lot from the dreams (too personal to post) and dream signs did appear in them. Maybe they would have become lucid if they had the chance, I don't know. There were cats insisting on getting in and getting out all the time, so I was constantly interrupted. Those who instruct that one should lie perfectly still for quite some after waking up obviously do not have a cat that scratches them in the face until they get up (ironically, he is named Morpheus). I did notice, however, that I tend to redirect stuff in dreams. I do that and still don't realize that it's a dream. I'll not that as a strong dream sign. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/4/20 3:20 AM
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Meh, I went back into the same dream and made some changes to it and still didn't realize it was a dream. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/4/20 4:37 PM
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My practice today involved two and a half hours of yoga, some dzogchen and some dream yoga. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/5/20 6:20 AM
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When I listen to some teachings on youtube, for instance from Bhante Gunaratana and Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, I feel something happening at the crown of my head. Kind of a softening, a gentle breeze, a light...? Is that a sign of what is referred to as transmission? Or do I just have a very active imagination? 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/5/20 12:51 PM
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I'm continuing with my online course from Ligmincha. It is a very basic level, but as it is a new tradition to me, there is much to learn. For some reason it resonates with me. It does something. From the framework I'm used to from before, it feels like it cultivates the Brahmaviharas and the formless realms. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 3/5/20 1:11 PM
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What will you do when you run out of new teachers and techniques to study? :-)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:33 PM
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Oh, that won't happen. I'll die before that. 

I don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles. 

Right now I'm watching Michael Taft's latest teaching at SF Dharma Collective (from their youtube channel, not his own one) and he ties together Mahayana and Theravadan traditions, which was pretty much what we were talking about during our last lessions. (I just took a short break now because I had a hunch that there would be a comment.) The essence of the Ligmincha teachings so far are very much in line with what Michael says and what Lama Lena says - and also very much in line with MCTB2, albeit with a different framing and emphasis. What is most new to me is the rituals - singing in Tibetan, visualizing very specific stuff, specific movements (seems to work similarly to Kundalini yoga but it has its own grammar) and some terminology (although I had heard those words in dharma talks before, they are put together in a way that is new to me). I get that the ritual stuff is tech to see something that is already there, but it's cool that it actually works, and it's cool that it gives symbolic meaning to sensations I already had and enables me to work with them more hands-on, to transform them. The energetic level always made sense to me, intuitively. It's the concept level of it that feels a bit foreign. However, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche has a tendency to use language that is very close to how I conceptualize some of it. He simplifies it enough for me to get what he is pointing at, at least roughly, especially since I relate it to other resources as well. And his teachings tie together my interest in the silence, in the elements, in the lucid sleep, and in sound healing (which suits this kinesthetic and auditory mind).

I'm considering taking a course on the elements in real time that starts a few feeks from now. That course costs, unlike these introductory courses, but then I will also have the opportunity to interact with the Rinpoche and ask questions. I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to be careful with my money as I don't yet know if I'll have an employment from the beginning of July. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:58 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles.
 

That was a bit misleading... It's not like I think that there is an objective phenomenon out there that can be mapped from every angle. Not at all. An important point of it is exploring the interactiveness of it. How it takes shape depending on the dynamics of approaching it, sort of like the observer's paradox although the observer is just as much a product of the dynamics as the assumed object. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:34 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Oh, that won't happen. I'll die before that. 


So you'll never get out of the boat, and finish crossing over? emoticon

emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:46 PM
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I was hoping that trying all different methods would be a bit overkill...? And that maybe I wouldn't need to. emoticon

On a more serious note, point taken. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 6:44 PM
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A suffering door fruition wants to happen. I don't know how to let go. It hurts and I'm scared. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:01 PM
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It feels like I'm in labor although the pain is in my shoulders and it feels like I'm about to deliver something from my heart. Either that or I'm very slowly being drawn into a singularity, torn apart and stretched out. Please let me let go!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 10:54 PM
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I didn't. Instead I fell asleep and dreamt that I had contractions and that my entire torso opened up and a tiny tiny child came out who grew and was able to walk and talk while I was still waiting for help from a doctor. 

It was weird, what happened. After acknowledging that Malcolm was right, that I'm chasing around and basically avoiding the work I need to do, I lay down and tried to have faith that the needed tools are already in place. I tried to surrender. It hurt, so for a while I tried to adjust my position over and over again and took pain killers that didn't help. I realized that there was probably nothing wrong physically and tried to just surrender to the pain. That made it grow in intensity, and at the same time I was drawn into vipassana jhanas. The nada sound was loud. There were visuals, first an intense flickering of lights, then patterns (the grainy kind), and there was an intense pressure in the head. There was a forceful widening that felt like my eyes were drawn apart. The pain in my shoulders was intensifying and it felt like there was a force tearing me apart. The cessation never came. I didn't let go enough. Thinking about this starts the pain anew. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:55 AM
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There were brief instances of lucid dreaming this morning, not from getting lucid from within the dreams but from falling back into sleep and into the same dreams while retaining lucidity for a while. Unfortunately I cannot recall what content drew me back into the illusion.

This afternoon I did some letting go of grasping meditation with a varied result. I fell into both ditches of restlessness and dullness. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:21 PM
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In the evening I practiced some basics of the Bön tradition, with dedication, the nine breathings of purification, Tsa Lung, and three doors practice. The Tsa Lung exercises were a bit overwhelming today. After the first three exercises I felt slightly nauseous, and after the fourth one    (the pervasive wind) there were intense piti and relief. The fifth one doesn't seem to affect me that much, but maybe it has a stabilizing effect. After those exercises, it is surprisingly easy to connect to the three doors (not the same ones as in MCTB2, but stillness of the body, silence, and spaciousness of the mind). There are instant purple swirls and spaciousness and bliss (even without the Tsa Lung exercises). It is probably helpful for my ADHD mind to frame the meditation so clearly. Whether or not this will lead me to transforming insights I cannot tell, but at times when the three poisons are particularly stubborn, I believe this may be a way to maintain both a steady practice and relative wellbeing. 

There are very bright dots flickering in my visual field now and then, off cushion and with eyes open. The sound of silence is getting loud again. I wonder if this is how tinnitus sounds. I don't mind it. I find it comforting. It reminds me that there is space. Listening to it opens up possibilities where the contracted mind can't see any. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:38 AM
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One dimension of depth vision just disappeared again. This time everything was horizontally flat. The time before it was vertically flat. It doesn't last long but I can repeat it, for now.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:08 PM
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Practice has been interesting today. Challenging but interesting. I have often said that something I love about vipassana is that it is failproof, that it is impossible to fail because if one makes a mistake, noting it turns it into good vipassana, and if one fails to note it, then one notes that, and so forth. Yeah well, I still think it's a good principle, but it turns out that there are times when the chain of failings to note becomes too long and one completely forgets what one is doing. I don't really believe that there are solid layers to work with in the mind, okay, but it tends to manifest as if there were. The construction/manifestation of layer that I'm currently working on has "laid bare" some stuff that triggers such chains. it's an entanglement of the ego's fear of annihilation, defense mechanisms, and the relatively hard wiring (as it tends to manifest) of my neurodivergent brain. It all hooks on to each other. And of course it would be great if I could just note or notice this as it happens in any given now moment. The things is, I can't. However, there are ways to make it possible.

It is true that I have been rushing between teachings lately in a desperate attempt to make up for all the years that I have "missed out on" the dharma, as the grasping thinks of it. It is also true that this grasping is something that I need to work on, because otherwise I will stay asleep. It is also true that the tech I'm currently learning (beginner exercises from Bön lineage with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche) works - not as a replacement for vipassana, but as an enabler for vipassana. Part of it is how it keeps the avoidant mind busy with details that don't horrify the ego, just like many theravadan techs also do. Part of it is that it works with intentions and with dedications for the benefit of all sentient beings - hardly unique for this tech, but it adds to the toolbox of how to do it. I think I will cherrypick some of it. Part of it is that the Brahmaviharas are integrated in all sessions, and in a way that uses all senses and that doesn't feel false or sleezy and doesn't trigger old patterns of guilt and shame. For me this feels like genuine compassion and it cultivates The same in me. That cuts through my defenses, in a good way (I figured out that this is also why Malcolm's pointers always seems to work when little else does, and it is probably also how guru yoga works when it works - the genuine compassion together with my trust cuts through my defenses). In addition, it adds a symbolic language that seems to resonate with my unconscious, and movements that have a similar effect to the yoga I'm already used to - all in one package. And the teacher seems decent and approachable and is altruistic enough to offer a lot of his teachings for free. Also, his age isn't super high and he looks healthy so there is actually at least statistically a chance that I may get to see him before he dies, especially since he travels around and comes to Europe. 

So - after nine breathings of purification, dedication, a few minutes of shinei, five Tsa Lung exercises, guru yoga with transmission (not worshipping any living guru, but opening up to one's own Buddha nature by way of a ritualized practice that involves symbolism and Brahmaviharas and all senses, at least for me), and a guided meditation geared towards the three doors of body (stillness), speech (silence) and mind (spaciousness) and towards the trikayas, I was finally able to do vipassana. And I have always done vipassana the way it works for me, varying the levels (concept, phenomenon, vibrational, and awareness) according to what I feel is needed. I don't care whether it is Theravadan or Mahayana, as long as it works. 

Then I could actually both note and notice my reaction chains. I had become vulnerable and somewhat defenseless, but also confident enough to face the challenges. There are a lot of fear responses, but it is managable. It may take some time to break through all of the defenses. That's okay. I feel compassion for the fear responses. They aren't the enemy, just misguided. I know how to work with that. I have done it before. Hopefully it will take less effort to cut through the strongest defenses eventually, so that I can cut down on the rituals. 

I noticed that some of the movement/dance I have been sensing in the stillness, in some synesthetic mix of senses (visually, kinesthetically and auditorily), is actually my heartbeat as experienced at a vibrational level. Cool!

Now, after a dinner break (I ate while writing), I will get back to meditation again. Vipassana, reclining, after all this sitting practice.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 5:26 PM
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Yeah right... Who am I kidding? Taking a break took away the focus. I procrastinated starting again (defense mechanisms back online), and when I did get started, there was this constant buzz of thoughts about maybe needing a bathroom break just in case and lots of discursive yada yada. I was able to see that, but I also got lost in content over and over again. There is frustration. There is also shame. There is some self-bashing, but not that much. My mood is actually quite okay*. Having ADHD but being unmedicated most of my life, I'm so used to this. It's familiar. A wellknown suffering for which I at least have som coping mechanisms, in contrast to the great unknown that apparently spooks parts of me out. I think I am slowly letting go of this weird reobservation-attatchment, though. The constant selfing is pretty tiresome. I used to get high on the mindspeed but now I know that it backfires. That takes away the fun. Also, it is so predictable that it's silly. Undignifying. This sounds like much self-bashing, but it doesn't really feel like it (not compared to periods of deep self-loathing, anyway) because despite all the selfing I know that the constructed self is a mirage. And yet it keeps going. It's like a parody. What annoys me most right now, at least as far as I'm conscious of, is that there's actually interesting stuff going on at the same time, at a vibrational level, and I just can't keep my focus on it. I wonder if it would be possible to trick myself into trying to focus on the yada yada content and thereby make that fall into the background. Probably not. 

*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 6:19 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Yeah right... Who am I kidding? Taking a break took away the focus. I procrastinated starting again (defense mechanisms back online), and when I did get started, there was this constant buzz of thoughts about maybe needing a bathroom break just in case and lots of discursive yada yada. I was able to see that, but I also got lost in content over and over again. There is frustration. There is also shame. There is some self-bashing, but not that much. My mood is actually quite okay*. Having ADHD but being unmedicated most of my life, I'm so used to this. It's familiar. A wellknown suffering for which I at least have som coping mechanisms, in contrast to the great unknown that apparently spooks parts of me out. I think I am slowly letting go of this weird reobservation-attatchment, though. The constant selfing is pretty tiresome. I used to get high on the mindspeed but now I know that it backfires. That takes away the fun. Also, it is so predictable that it's silly. Undignifying. This sounds like much self-bashing, but it doesn't really feel like it (not compared to periods of deep self-loathing, anyway) because despite all the selfing I know that the constructed self is a mirage. And yet it keeps going. It's like a parody. What annoys me most right now, at least as far as I'm conscious of, is that there's actually interesting stuff going on at the same time, at a vibrational level, and I just can't keep my focus on it. I wonder if it would be possible to trick myself into trying to focus on the yada yada content and thereby make that fall into the background. Probably not. 

*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling. 

Are you noting the third vipassana jhana?  emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 7:00 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation. I love third vipassana jhana. Usually. But apparently not yesterday. I only count it as jhana when I'm absorbed, and that goes for the vipassana jhana as well. Third shamatha jhana and third vipassana jhana are two very different things but in my experience they are both absorbed. It's just that the vipassana kind tears you apart whereas the shamatha kind is still and calm and sort of muffled. And weirdly enough I usually prefer the kind that tears me apart. Except yesterday it hurt so badly that it stopped mesmerizing me. 
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Siavash ', modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:32 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation.

I thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.

(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:54 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Siavash:
I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation.

I thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.

(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)

Reobservation is a nana. If absorption accours in it during vipassana practice, third vipassana jhana arises. 

Yes, it did. Technically it didn't disappear. It just moved back in the recent posts department because there is a bug in the code with regard to date and time if some post is deleted. I have reported that bug before. Thanks for looking for the thread!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 9:37 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Now I have noted third vipassana jhana, possibly with a quick visit in a very light version of fourth vipassana jhana (or rather what I think of as third and a half) and an impermanence door fruition. Not a path moment. Just enough bliss that I can finally get some sleep, I hope. 

Why is it that when I try to meditate, it is almost impossible, and when I try to sleep, meditation insists on happening? Yeah, I know, it's because I finally relax enough, but it isn't fair. *grumpy*
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:46 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Damn energetic pain! I need to sleep! It's close to four o'clock in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep yet. 

Seems to involve some glands or something. Groups of tiny lumps that form a cluster of lump groups. The lumps move around when I put pressure on them with a finger.

And now the nada sound is loud again and it feels like static electricity around my head. My body has that kind of vibrations that I for so many years thought was some kind of pathological tremor. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/8/20 7:49 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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It turns out that I seem to have heart chakra pain. How about that? Heartopening yoga exercises seem to be a potential cure. I felt that very clearly at the yoga class this morning. I guess things are going on with that nerve bundle. My unconscious seemed to know, hence the meditation experience of being about to give birth through the heart and the dream about my torso opening up to give birth. The nerves from the heart chakra are connected to many muscles that I tend to have pain in. Energetic practices seem to actually deal with that stuff in a constructive way. The pain is probably connected to the phenomenology of feeling contracted, and to resisting that. Spiritosomatic pain, oh yay. Interesting how symbolic it all is. 

My mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed.  For now I'm content with that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/8/20 9:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
My mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed.  For now I'm content with that. 

On the other hand, those dissociative seizures I used to have had a similar effect. I sometimes used them to reboot myself. I must say that I'm not overly impressed with these repeated fruitions. The path moments make a huge difference, but this... Is there a point to it? I'm assuming that it fills some function. Maybe it's like an ordinary restart of the computer whereas the path moments are restarts after a major upgrade. There seem to be some minor upgrades too, for some fruitions.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/8/20 4:55 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I decided to take care of myself today. I did some more stretching on the cylinder-shaped bolster and noticed how it affects the vibrations of the body - quite a lot, actually. It made me wonder if all that movement shows how much samsaric stuff is going on. Maybe the key to truly formless realms is to get rid of all that and have the stillness be so still that when the body is dissolved, the energy field is so still that it dissolves too. If so, maybe it's a good thing that my third vipassana jhanas tend to be calmer and more "boring" now. There wasn't much motion in the third vipassana jhana that hurt so much. Maybe that's why the remaining tearing stood out so fiercely. In dukkha nanas the vibrations have mainly been in the same area in daily life as well. Michael Taft actually warned me about pain from focusing so much on the kinesthetics.  He had me work with other senses to balance it up. I'm grateful for that. Thankfully, the pain is gone for now. 

Then I have connected to all the elements, taken a candle-lit herbal bath, and listened to dharma talks and done guided meditations and chantings by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (some of it while in the bath; the five point position is so much more comfortable when sitting in warm water), just because it makes me feel great. When I chant Tibetan syllables, loud overtones appear automatically. They seem to be constructed that way. I noticed that different syllables are dominated by different overtones, and that it matches which chakras they represent. That's really cool. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/8/20 8:56 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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It's weird how much emotions are tied up in body tissues. Just lying on my back on a bolster, stretching muscles in shoulders, chest and back, gives emotional responses. It opens up fear and nausea and vulnerability, but also relief. Sorry for spamming with so many brief reports. It's a lifeline for me. I'll probably go through similar stuff again as it all seems to be spiralling, and it helps to backtrack and check what was helpful the last time. 

How do people manage to go through with meditation without yoga or something similar? Maybe they don't somatize as much and therefore don't need it. 

Ugh, I feel dizzy now. Maybe detox isn't just a hoax. I don't know what to believe about anything anymore. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 12:16 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Meh... I was getting close to fourth vipassana jhana yesterday at night, but then I fell asleep. Sure, I was sleep deprived, but it wasn't that urgent.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:37 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hypothesis for investigation: piti is the vibrational quality of samsara. It feels good because it is impermanent. It isn't the bubbles themselves that feel good, but the bursting of them. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:50 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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So... if one solidifies piti, it becomes suffering. If one lets the samsara flow just as it is, it becomes vibrational. Something like that. 

So when I "cured" pain with piti, that was a misunderstanding. The pain and the piti was the same thing, only approached differently. 

I need to let go of the piti to be able to let go of the pain. I need to let piti be piti, that is, let it be impermanence. Grasping it turns it into pain.

I think I'm obscuring the intuition with intellectualization now...
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:15 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I think it's everything I'm grabbing onto that hurts. Right now it is mainly in my neck. Throat chakra stuff? Ah. Yeah, I know what it is.*

But the hypothesis about piti as the vibrational quality of samsara is still on. 

*) Edited to add: Hahaha, that's why listening to the silence helps. So obvious, so literal, just like the symbolic language of dreams. Thankyou, Sambhogakaya! Point taken. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:21 AM
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Okay, this is just ridiculously obvious. That insight took the neckpain away. Its vibrational quality appeared, as piti, and then it was gone. Really gone. But as soon as I had discursive thoughts about how to present that (selfing through speech), the pain was instantly back. Okay, I'll have to approach this pain as a pedagogical reminder. I don't have to like it, but apparently I need it, until the hook of the speech is dissolved. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:01 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I just realized something that I have already been told several times in different ways, but now it sank in. I don't need to let go of the behavior I think is needed. It's the hook in it, the selfing, the stake in it, that I need to stop solidifying. I don't know exactly how to do that yet, but the key is turned. One of them, anyway. 

Ah. I think I'm on the threshold between 11.3 and 11.4 right now, in some unspecified insight cycle. Hence this weird combo of micro and macro observations and calmness and mindspeed that looks like hypomania in text. I recognize this from before. HAH! That's what frutions from former paths do: they "stabilize" equanimity on the relative macro level for a while whereas the micro-cycling speeds up. At least that's a hypothesis for now. 

I think that unspecified insight cycle may be where the mapping starts making sense again. I think I started out seeing more of a macro-level cycling compared to the cycling that practicioners usually learn to recognize on retreats, and then I learned to identify the micro-level of cycling, which was confusing, and now I can see them both (that is, I can see two of the levels; I'm not saying that's all of them). Maybe it's more common to start with the micro-cycling? I don't know. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:37 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Crossposting to keep track of the impermanence of views:

I have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains. 

Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important. 

I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains. 

I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood. 

This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:55 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Crossposting to keep track of the impermanence of views:

I have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains. 

Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important. 

I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains. 

I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood. 

This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers. 


Hahaha! This did increase my pain in the throat chakra, just as suspected, and boasting about the suspicion here will probably make it even worse, but it may be the case that I need to squeeze this ball really really hard before all mind processes intersecting with the Polly Ester continuum construction let the insight sink in that letting go of the ball is a relief. 

Squeezing the ball like this moves me on the map from 11.3-11.4 to 10.3.11-10.4.11... or something like that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:07 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Note to (not)self: I see that you are looking for validation now, responses that tell you that you are on the right track. That's just counterproductive. All validation that is needed for insight comes from the practice. Pointers are another thing. Those can come from the "outside". But do I need one right now? No. I already have the pointers I need right now, so let's just work with them instead of chasing validation, okay?

There's that ticking noice from the paranasal cavities, which actually maps quite well to the energy channels. The ticking noice is a clearing of the energy channels. Ah. Okay, that's my validation for this particular post. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Note to aspiring teachers: Please don't poke too much on what you think need to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill. Malcolm, you are totally innocent in this (not that I blame anyone - it's just how it is). Your gentle nudging works perfectly. I'm doing most of the poking myself, because I'm impatient. But sometimes wellmeaning teachers-to-be interfere persistently with my own poking because they don't see why I need to take that detour, and that adds to the already painful process. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. 

I think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do. 
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 1:35 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Note to aspiring teachers: Please don't poke too much on what you think need to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill. Malcolm, you are totally innocent in this (not that I blame anyone - it's just how it is). Your gentle nudging works perfectly. I'm doing most of the poking myself, because I'm impatient. But sometimes wellmeaning teachers-to-be interfere persistently with my own poking because they don't see why I need to take that detour, and that adds to the already painful process. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. 

I think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do. 
emoticon  Metta to you Linda.  Also, you seem to be getting a variety of rather good micro-insights at the moment - space perceptions, piti and pain, dharmic hooks.  Keep going!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 2:32 PM
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Thankyou so much!

I decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time. 

Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
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Not two, not one, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:53 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Thankyou so much!

I decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time. 

Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
Thanks Linda!  I'm touched.  But of course, I'm only as good as my most recent piece of advice   emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/9/20 7:32 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Fun fact - science supports my experience of "destilling" sound into light. Apparently there is something called sonoluminesence which is the process whereby a loud sound generates an emission of light. I thought I was clever, but there's a shrimp - the mantis shrimp - that can do the same thing in a way that is visible for others as well. 

I googled "sound turns into light". 

I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Fun fact - science supports my experience of "destilling" sound into light. Apparently there is something called sonoluminesence which is the process whereby a loud sound generates an emission of light. I thought I was clever, but there's a shrimp - the mantis shrimp - that can do the same thing in a way that is visible for others as well. 

I googled "sound turns into light". 

I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well. 

Nah, I don't think we filter it out. It's still the same shit. And the same sacredness. We just think we filter it out. It's an escape. And for many of us probably a detour that we need to do, to squeeze that ball really tight before we can really let go. 
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Chris M, modified 2 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Cavitation produces sonoluminescence. That's probably how the shrimp does it. 

(That's a non-dharma comment.)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:11 AM
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Chris Marti:
Cavitation produces sonoluminescence. That's probably how the shrimp does it. 

(That's a non-dharma comment.)

Yes, it is. 

It seems to have some dharma-relevance, though, at least for the phenomenology. In my experience, light does appear when bubbles burst. Visually, I mean. It does for me.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 2 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:15 AM