Polly Ester’s practice log 7

Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/17/20 3:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/18/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/18/20 12:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/19/20 3:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/20/20 5:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 1:57 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 6:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 8:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 12:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 1:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 1:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 1:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 2/21/20 2:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 2:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 3:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 3:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/21/20 4:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 4:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/24/20 2:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 10:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/21/20 9:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 5:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 4:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 9:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/22/20 11:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 1:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 1:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 2:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 5:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 2/23/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 7:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 10:08 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 2/23/20 1:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/23/20 2:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/24/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/25/20 9:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/25/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 4:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 7:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/26/20 3:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 6:04 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 1:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 4:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/27/20 11:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 9:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/28/20 3:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 10:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 2/29/20 11:04 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 1:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 2:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/1/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/2/20 4:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/3/20 3:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 12:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 3:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/4/20 4:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 6:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/5/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 2:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/5/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/6/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 6:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 7:01 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 10:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 7:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/6/20 3:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 1:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 5:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/7/20 6:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 7:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Siavash ' 3/7/20 8:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 8:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 9:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/7/20 8:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 4:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/8/20 8:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 12:16 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 8:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 8:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 9:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 9:21 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 10:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 11:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 11:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/9/20 1:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 2:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/9/20 10:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/9/20 7:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 6:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 1:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 6:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/11/20 2:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/12/20 4:14 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/12/20 6:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/14/20 3:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/15/20 6:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/15/20 2:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/16/20 8:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/16/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/17/20 9:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/18/20 5:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/19/20 12:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/19/20 6:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/19/20 8:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 7:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/20/20 9:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 9:25 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/20/20 9:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 1:16 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/20/20 2:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/20/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/21/20 4:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/22/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/23/20 4:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/23/20 4:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 3/24/20 12:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 8:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/25/20 8:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 8:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/25/20 8:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 9:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 9:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 10:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/25/20 10:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/25/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Chris M 3/26/20 6:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 7:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 7:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/26/20 12:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 9:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/26/20 8:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 10:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 11:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 11:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 12:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 3/28/20 9:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/28/20 11:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 9:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 9:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/27/20 5:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 10:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 3/29/20 4:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 2:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/4/20 10:23 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 5:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/29/20 4:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/30/20 4:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 3/31/20 4:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 12:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 10:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 2:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 3:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 7:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 3:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/1/20 7:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 4:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 1:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 10:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 2:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 4:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 5:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/2/20 6:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 6:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/2/20 7:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/2/20 8:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/3/20 5:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 hae1en 4/3/20 2:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/3/20 10:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/4/20 3:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 5:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/5/20 12:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 2:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/4/20 6:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 7:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/5/20 4:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/6/20 4:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/7/20 1:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/7/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/7/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 1:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 6:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/8/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 6:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 1:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 3:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/8/20 3:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 12:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 spatial 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:13 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 1:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/9/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 3:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 10:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 11:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/9/20 11:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 1:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 2:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/11/20 7:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 7:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/11/20 8:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 10:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/11/20 11:29 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/11/20 2:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 2:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/11/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 4:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/13/20 11:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 12:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Olivier S 4/13/20 12:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/11/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 1:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 2:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 3:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/13/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 5:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 8:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/14/20 2:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 5:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 11:53 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/14/20 6:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 6:52 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 9:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/15/20 10:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:07 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/16/20 1:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Lars 4/16/20 1:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/15/20 1:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/15/20 10:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 1:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/15/20 3:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/15/20 4:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 4:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/15/20 4:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/16/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 2:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 3:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 1:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 1:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 2:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/16/20 11:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/16/20 11:56 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/17/20 12:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 12:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/19/20 12:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/21/20 6:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 T 4/21/20 6:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Tim Farrington 4/21/20 6:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 11:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/17/20 3:27 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Not two, not one 4/17/20 7:23 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 5:09 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 4/18/20 1:40 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/17/20 3:42 PM
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Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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There is still this odd mix of on the one hand control-freaky yet unfocused racey and frantic mind, with parallell thought processes and parallell earworms going on, and tensing tourette-ticcing body, and on the other hand this calm space in the midst of it, around it and through it. The dukkha is as obvious as it could ever be but it doesn't really bother that space. There is habitual clenching but also automatic unclenching. There is recurring activity at the top of the head, almost like a gentle breeze. Things pop open behind the nose. There are those melting or raindroppy sensations from my left cheek bone and downward. There's a feeling that meditation is always going on in the background, with sensations of movement dancing around itself (?) and infrastructure refiguring itself (in a gentler way than before). Some instances of agencylessness.Took a nap during the day and stayed lucid for at least part of it. Happy. Something is exhausted but it doesn't feel like me.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/18/20 12:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Formal meditation 80 minutes, phenomenology similar to yesterday both on and off cushion.

Fractal cycling is getting more clear. In this reobservation-equanimity-A&P cycling loop, the dominating nana seems to be the subnana of A&P to the reobservation nana. What's that in numbers... 10.4? I recognize this from before SE, but I didn't identify the subnanas back then. It is frantic. Happy-happy but easily distracted and reactive and with lots of tics. If I ever were to develop mania, it would probably be in 10.4. This is why I developed the habit of reclining meditation. I sat for 50 minutes tonight and then lay down, not because I was uncomfortable but because my mind was going heywire. So f-ing hyper! Lying down helps with that. Lying down in my bed, jhanic factors showed up almost immediately. I think I was somewhere inbetween third vipassana jhana and third shamatha jhana. I could then see the subnanas develop. 10.5 was where it was most like shamatha jhana. In 10.6 there was a surge of adrenaline that pulled me up from that depth of still clear water and stirred it around. In 10.7 it was as if that sirring around had also stirred up some mud. In 10.8 there was energetic activity with more fierce vibrations. Then the bell rang. I'm expecting a partner arriving from Stockholm any minute now. I feel a bit guilty (but not that much) because I would really want to continue to meditate. 

After leaving the formal practice, it feels like 10.4 is the default nana again. It is an utterly unstable nana, though, so it fluctuates.

I think that before SE when I used to have severe pain in reobservation, this was during the 10.3. That explains why it was piti that took the pain away. The pain disappeared already in 10.4, not in equanimity as I thought. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/18/20 12:24 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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The subnanas continue to unfold off cushion. I recognize it now. It's amazingly fast. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/19/20 3:43 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Crossposting for the sake of keeping track:

I had a stubborn spiritosomatic headache today. It seems to arise when I feel the urge to meditate more but choose to prioritize differently. I used to think of this as stagnated energy (Kundalini or whatever), which I think in one sense is true but also misleading if I associate that with some power separated from ”me” or within ”me” and yet different from the rest of ”me”. So I asked myself ”Do I really have a headache because energies stagnated as a consequence of not practicing more, or is it because I think I should have practiced more?” After all, energy is intentions and/or beliefs manifesting themselves through the attentional system, or something like that. Thus, the energetic pain is basically a mental blueball phenomenon. That’s just stupid.

I knew this and still couldn’t transcend the pain. That is, until a conversation triggered a memory of when a baby hare mistook one of my cats for its mum and clinged to him for food and comfort. At first he was confused and backed away, which looked very funny. However, later I found the little leveret torn to pieces in my patio. The thought that maybe it thought that it was its mum that did this to it... It breaks my heart. Thinking about this, I felt the kind of nausea that usually means that an insight needs to happen. It was like poisoned mud being stirred up and moving about. I know exactly what to do with that. I deal with it on a strict sensate level. There it is just bubbles arising and popping. So I did, and it dissolved. And what do you know - it took the headache too! Just like that. Just a moment before, the headache was very dense. I could feel the sore points very tangibly, and I could feel it radiating from other points that were stiff. After this dissolving, which took maybe a few seconds, there were no sore points and no stiff points there. It was as if there hadn’t even been any pain there to begin with. The nausea lingered a little while, moving about, and then dissolved too. Then there were lots of clickings and snappings and poppings in my head, making it easier to breath, and that gentle breeze.

It is all so illusory.

And yet one may need to resolve suffering with suffering, just like one needs to resolve a fatty stain with fat, because just letting go is too easy for it to feel possible.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/20/20 5:40 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I treated myself to a two hour long digital gong bath (praise the universe for youtube and headphones) and found that the body knew exactly what to do to dissolve tensions. I could feel it disentangling in a very physical way while also sleep-breathing. There were some dream visions, and each time I identified them as dreams there was this strong light. Tissues connecting muscles and bones relaxed and opened up. Muscle knots dissolved. My hands opened up; they usually close themselves when I think they are relaxed, but now it seems that whatever tissue it is that closes them is starting to relax. Now my left hand crackles when I move it and I feel that blood is flowing more freely. It is the tendon running to the fingers that are crackling. They stand out on the backs of both my hands in a way that I haven't seen before. I could feel that seeping along a line in my face, and when I centered my focus instead of attending to that particular side, the seeping spread. I could feel a similar seeping along my lower arms, and now there are lines there as well, on both arms. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:57 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Apart from the gong bath yesterday I did some regular vipassana, yoga, and - when I remembered to do so (it will take patience and diligent work to make this the default approach) - pictured both myself and everyone and everything else as energetic and thus illusory manifestations of the divine (or whatever one wants to call it), and tried to be aware of changes in the screen as I fell asleep in the night and also when I woke up this morning. There were patterns, grainy ones but definitely something along the spectrum of sacred geometry. No lucidity during the night sleep.

The energetic headache revisited a few times. The first time I noticed the though "Why do I still have this headache?", but I rerouted that thought into "Why do I still believe in this headache?" (as something that is solid and mine). That allowed me to see the flow of it and how illusory it is, and it stopped bothering me. I applied that thought every time the headache popped up as something solid, and it worked. 

I'm looking into possibilities of going on retreat within Europe. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 6:01 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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This morning I have practiced the five point position, focusing on stillness, dedication of merit, and the nine breathings of purification as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. That tradition seems to be a reasonable framework for lucid sleep practices and illusory body practices, as well as for understanding my energetic exoeriences, and the Rinpoche seems very approachable and teaches online. If I practice the basics of his teachings, more advanced courses will then be available. I have listened to teachings by him for a while and tried out some of his methods. The symbolic language resonates fairly well with me. Visualization is not my strong suit, though. Thankfully, I think I may actually be feeling the energy channels, at least partly. I know that there are different versions of them, and I find that somewhat confusing, especially sine I also do yoga and some qigong. Mixing the frameworks can be tricky, but I choose to think of it as a reminder that they are all constructions and that all manifestations are illusory (basically magickal creations) - something that I believe applies to medical frameworks as well (those are widely consensual and therefore very solidified). One additional practical adavantage of this framework is that it fits pretty well with other Ribetan practices that I have taken an interest in, such as the teachings of Lama Lena (who talks in a way that I understand), Ken McLeod, Catherine McGee, and also with Michael Taft's nondual teachings, which in turn combine the nondual practice with both vipassana and shamatha.

I still feel like Michael Taft is my teacher, although it was only 10 lessons, so compatibilty with his teachings will probably continue to be a great plus. One of the many reasons I wanted to work with him was that he ties together many different traditions and methods. I want to be able to combine and modify methods in an eclectic way. I want to know what each method does and how it relates to the other ones so that I use every tool for its right purpose. I also want to be able to play with the tools, just not in a way that resembles using a screwdriver as a hammer. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 8:39 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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During the part of the nine breathings of purification that is supposed to breath out attachment and desire, I sensed a taste and smell on the outbreath. It was the same one as I also sensed during Kundalini yoga exercises the other day. The taste and smell was subtle but felt slightly unhealthy. 

This is probably my way of visualizing.

It smelled pretty much like fear.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 12:10 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
During the part of the nine breathings of purification that is supposed to breath out attachment and desire, I sensed a taste and smell on the outbreath. It was the same one as I also sensed during Kundalini yoga exercises the other day. The taste and smell was subtle but felt slightly unhealthy. 

This is probably my way of visualizing.

It smelled pretty much like fear.

Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.

---

At yoga class today I felt that energetic breeze at the crown chakra again. It seems to appear at the end of the outbreath. The idea of breathing out throught the central channel and through the crown chakra thus seems to correspond with phenomenology. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:


Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.


A little extract from one of my favourite suttas on this point, with some notes.  This is Dhammadinnah schooling her ex-husband, who abandoned her to follow the dharma.  She thought, damn it, I will too then.  And then totally outpaced him  ...

Culavedalla: "Is passion-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all pleasant feeling? Is resistance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all painful feeling? Is ignorance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling?"

So do you have to be become completley passionless and totally accepting? The answer is, as you already know ...

Dhammadinnah: "No... There is the case where a monk — quite withdrawn from sensuality, withdrawn from unskillful qualities — enters & remains in the first jhana: rapture & pleasure born from withdrawal, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. With that he abandons passion. No passion-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk considers, 'O when will I enter & remain in the dimension that those who are noble now enter & remain in?' And as he thus nurses this yearning for the unexcelled liberations, there arises within him sorrow based on that yearning. With that he abandons resistance. No resistance-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk, with the abandoning of pleasure & pain — as with the earlier disappearance of elation & distress — enters & remains in the fourth jhana: purity of equanimity & mindfulness, neither pleasure nor pain. With that he abandons ignorance. No ignorance-obsession gets obsessed there."

In other words, you only have to get these insights once. To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight -  and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.

Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta.  ANY JHANA WILL DO.  Here is an example from the first Jhana (emphasia mine)

https://suttacentral.net/mn64/en/horner

"Whatever is there of material shape, feeling, perception, the habitual tendencies, consciousness—he beholds these things as impermanent, suffering, as a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction, as other, as decay, empty, not-self. He turns his mind from these things; and when he has turned his mind from these things he focuses his mind on the deathless element, thinking: ‘This is the real, this the excellent, that is to say the tranquillising of all the activities, the casting out of all clinging, the destruction of craving, dispassion, stopping, nibbāna. If he is steadfast therein, he achieves destruction of the cankers; if he does not achieve destruction of the cankers, then through his attachment to Dhamma, his delight in Dhamma, through his utter destruction of the five fetters binding to the lower (shore), he is of spontaneous uprising, one who attains nibbāna there, not liable to return from that world"

Apply this teaching to the jhana factors - the piti and ratpure, or to space without boundary, and see what you find.

:-)

Malcolm
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:25 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Thankyou Malcolm! I will try, as soon as I feel like doing shamatha again. For some reason, I'm not particularly motivated for that kind of practice at the moment. Your advice usually works for me so I'll bear it in mind. Inclinations tend to change anyway, so opportunities will arise. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:33 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Weirdly enough, I found I didn't actually have to do shamatha for this. Rather, the insight just came on me as I was walking along, and was applied to my memory of jhana factors.  I suddently understood what Uncle Sid was on about.  I kind of knew it already intellectually, but hadn't really seen it directly for myself.  Luckily I knew enough by then to really wallow in the insight and follow it to related matters as far as I could - to "squeeze the honey out of it".  

So just be open to this insight if it arrives.  Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
T, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 2:15 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I did it at the dentist

As in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 2:36 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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T:
I did it at the dentist

As in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?

Not exactly, I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space.  This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.

The other example was an account I read from the Thai forest tradition, where out of love for all sentient beings a monk offerred up his arm for all the very many mosquitos to feast on. To me, this corresponds exactly with what Dhammadinnah was saying (and what I describe above) about giving up resistance obsession out of yearning for the dharma.  But the old words need a bit of modern interpretation to be made clear - which is why we have buddha - dharma - sangha.  The sangha can explain the dharma, despite drifts in expression and cultural and literary style over thousands of years.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:

I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space.  This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.


I tried that too early in my practice. It did not work. emoticon
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:28 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Poor Polly! It doesn't have to be such challenging pain - anything that provokes resistance obsession will do, as long as you observe it closely enough to see what is happening, and then let it continue to happen but without the resistance obsession.  Maybe cleaning up cat vomit would do the trick if you found that particularly unpleasant, for example - spot the emotion and the contraction, and let them continue to happen without solidifying into an anguished reaction.  That will still require strong concentration - to observe and let some parts of the process happen, without leading to resistance obsession.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:39 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I think I may slowly and gradually be on the right track with the intense headache that keeps coming back.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:14 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:
Weirdly enough, I found I didn't actually have to do shamatha for this. Rather, the insight just came on me as I was walking along, and was applied to my memory of jhana factors.  I suddently understood what Uncle Sid was on about.  I kind of knew it already intellectually, but hadn't really seen it directly for myself.  Luckily I knew enough by then to really wallow in the insight and follow it to related matters as far as I could - to "squeeze the honey out of it".  

So just be open to this insight if it arrives.  Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
Good. I think I might be doing that. Right now, piti and sukkha feel like an effort. Like... I don't know if you have ever been in a relationships where cuddling leading up to sex feels so predictable and effortful that one rather just avoids it (it's not like that for me now but I remember it too well many years later). Like one knows the drill too well and knows that it will be over soon (too soon for it to give any release) and then one needs to get washed and it just isn't worth getting excited about it. Shamatha feels like that right now. Except I also remember the time the jhanas just unfolded over and over again until I was so drained that I had to interrupt it by watching netflix, and I really don't feel like going there either, even though it did lead to release, over and over again until it was completely bizarre. It was just too frantic. I know that kind of relationship as well. I said no to that this weekend because I feel the need to be alone and silent and meditate in stillness. Thus I'd rather not do the kind of meditation that would basically be the same stuff. Sorry if I'm being too outspoken. That was the only way I could think of that would explain what I mean.

Right now I prefer the simplicity of just giving awareness the space to be lucid, without doing anything with it. It feels fresh, clean and simple and at the same time so very alive. And so ridiculously familiar. 

I did this guided meditation by Michael Taft, which was very much about that. https://youtu.be/Wi1XqTlCQXY

There were a couple of showers of piti, but they weren't appealing at all. It felt like freezing. 

I'll probably get motivated to do jhanas again, maybe sooner than it feels like. I really do think that awareness enjoys playing once in a while. Not that I think that awareness is some entity with a history and personality. It seems to be born anew in every given moment. The inclination  to explore is just inherent in awareness. I guess if that weren't the case, there would be no awareness. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:31 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:42 PM
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curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

Apart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 4:27 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.

Apart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?

Bzzt!  Thank you playing. Wrong.  It's actually something to do with the flip side of that.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 4:44 PM
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Okay, good. Because if this was it, I'd be disappointed.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/24/20 2:31 PM
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curious:
And on the piti - sounds like your subconscious has figured it out, but you conscious hasn't spotted the underlying reason yet.


Maybe it feels like freezing because it is freezing, that is, freezing the moment and the flow of phenomena.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:13 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:

To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight -  and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.

Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta. 


I have no idea whether what I described above counts as part of the process you were talking about. It seems too simple. And I wasn't deconstructing any jhana. I just completely forgot about it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 9:35 AM
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That energetic headache turns out to be a pretty helpful meditation object. It pops up now and then, and I tune into the sensate level of it. First  it becomes less solid, as the phenomenon of it is ungraspable. The story of sore spots have been stripped away. Instead there is the feeling that I have been calling nausea, which is more like filthy mud being stirred up. Then I strip away the stories about that, and the vedana. Then what is left is vibrations. Then a new story is often linked together about the pleasantness of vibrations, but that is just as much a construction.  There can be attachment to the pleasantness, and that can cause pain too. I try to let it come, let it be and let it go. There's a freedom in that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 5:03 AM
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I don't believe the brain fog to be a bad thing anymore. It's just ignorance being stirred up so that it can be aware. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 5:08 AM
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Whaaaaat... writing the above resulted in a huge shower of piti that dissolved the knots in my muscles leading to headache and now I'm f-ing freezing.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 4:07 PM
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Morning: nine breathings of purification.

Day: an hour of just resting, being in awareness. Head shook itself, hands moved and unclenched, mouth opened itself, and so forth. Lots of unclenching going on.

Evening: about an hour of zhine as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, focusing on the stillness of the body. This feels broader than I usually picture shamatha, but the Rinpoche says that it is a form of shamatha. If so, I have been doing much more shamatha than I have realized. This is exactly what I have been doing all along as one of my default practices. Now that I have been doing some Dzogchen for a while (a beginner's version anyway), this feels very dense in comparison. Broad and dense at the same time. Coming out of it, I almost couldn't see. Focusing my eyes was impossible. During the session, there was a phase when I could not think verbally. There were thoughts going on that I could notice but I could not translate them into language. They were more like textures. I think they had sounds, like talk, but it wasn't recognizable as words. 

Throughout the day I have come back to inclining towards just allowing awareness to be aware of itself and to trying to approach everything as a dream. The latter is hard, though. I really do think that the mind is creating our reality just like in dreams, but there sure is more consensus about the daytime dreams so it feels much more solid. Still I know that it can be surprisingly unsolid. Very dense pain can go away just like that. This reminds me of that experiment I used to do as a child: if someone holds up a pencil in both ends, one can easily split it with one finger if one looks beyond it, to the floor. If one looks at the pencil, on the other hand, the pencil becomes solid and the finger can't go through it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 9:26 PM
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This night lucidity has appeared now and then during the night sleep. It seems to be during phases of light sleep, because excitement about it tends to wake me up. In one of the instances I remember it happening after dreaming that I was meditating. Some screen is involved. The grainy one. The murk chrystallizes into pixels that then form a pattern of sacred geometry. So... hypnopomp lucidity? It has happened several times. Maybe the intention of maintaining lucidity interferes with my sleep.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 11:17 PM
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And now I noticed myself making active decisions about the plot in my dream, which made it lucid of sorts. Then I got lost in content again but got lucidity back when I noticed that. I decided to write about it here, but I was too tired to actually wake up so I dreamt that I did, but I noticed that I didn't so I woke myself up to do it. 

No skillful usage of the semi-lucidity. I was too caught up in content. I only remember fragments of the content. It had rivalry in it. Weird dream. I wasn't me and the content was very atypical. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:03 AM
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Now I'm not sure whether I just a moment ago dreamt that I woke up and checked the time and noticed that the alarm was to ring five minutes later, or if I just dreamt that I actually woke up and checked. Regardless of which, I was right. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:19 AM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Now I'm not sure whether I just a moment ago dreamt that I woke up and checked the time and noticed that the alarm was to ring five minutes later, or if I just dreamt that I actually woke up and checked. Regardless of which, I was right. 
Sorry, but which simulation is the real one? Asking for a friend! 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:51 AM
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I don't think there is a real one, but I guess I'm still treating the consensual reality as more real out of habit.

---

Morning: a short session of nine breathings of purification, resting in stillness, warrior seed syllable A, and dedications of merit to all sentient beings. Soon I'll go to a yoga class, focusing on one of the elements. The schedule doesn't say which one.
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 2:38 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I don't think there is a real one, but I guess I'm still treating the consensual reality as more real out of habit
Consensual reality? "We both have truths. Are yours the same as mine?" - Pontius Pilate, Jesus Christ Superstar

Also, refer to mind training - see the world as a dream, or as the fourth screen of the fire kasina. It is the greatest siddhi of them all. :-)

(Edit: by 'it' I mean consensual reality ...)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 5:07 AM
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Of course there is no full consensus on anything, but still most people take some extent of intersubjectivity for granted. Social interaction is dependent on it. Pyschosis or confabulation in dementia challenge it and makes people insecure about how to interact. Consensual reality or intersubjectivity can be seen as very powerful magick as it is so consensual that it becomes almost solid, like you said. I wrote that in Siavash's log yesterday. This is actually my research area, although I leave out the magickal framework, at least explicitly. We (the research group) do treat reality as we know it as constantly constructed in social interaction, though. I see no contradiction with the dharma there. 

On my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. That's just beliefs holding "me" back. I took in the details and the richness of it and was amazed by the mind. I usually do not pay that much of attention to visuals, but now when I did, they felt familiar. I probably have seen them but just shut the door to those manifestations for some reason. It sure helped that I have new glasses through which I can actually see more than rough contours. The fact that I'm trying out progressive lenses for the first time added to the experience, as it rendered things less solid and more dreamy - and yet much more solid than last Thursday when they were brand new, which illustrates very tangibly how much of what we see is a construct. 

I lay down to rest about 15 minutes before the yoga class, and I started to melt. The face flattened and melted down, with lots of sensations especially in and around the lips; I suppose that is what people often describe as having enlargened lips. I haven't thought of it like that before. I tend to think of it more like the lips and the area around them are dissolved into an energy field that sort of takes on a life of its own. The yoga class focused on the air element. It was challenging. Sometimes my visual field was pixelated bacause of the strain and because of temporary dizziness. Sometimes there were like bright starts burst out in the murk. Sometimes there was a colored dot/spot in front of me, red or blackish blue. Sometimes it was like a teal haze, sometimes a glowing warm reddish orb, sometimes both in combination. In shavasana at the end, there were purple swirls and some grainy flat patterns. 

It felt like the exercises of the class stirred up and eventually dissolved (?) some mud. That was probably well needed. I didn't feel any smell coming out this time. Maybe I was just more visually tuned this time. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 4:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

On my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. 
Exactly!  This is not to deny that there is an underlying reality - something is generating the sense data packets, after all. But it's fascinating to see how our being is contracted around one particular method of intepretating this sense data. And this is not a skilful contraction, because it is inextricably tied up with dukkha/suffering/inherent unsatisfactoriness (or that nagging sense of original sin, if you are a Catholic).

We strive endlessly towards ownership of the 'other', when it is just a phantasm of our minds. Our lives are spent grapsing at smoke. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 7:22 AM
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Once again my eyes were so relaxed during an hour of Dzogchen-type meditation (Michal Taft) that I don't remember how to focus them. Everything is just a blur despite my new glasses. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 10:08 AM
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I decided to give earth kasina another try and to be less bothered by ideas about what a learning image should look like and what should happen. I sat for 30 minutes, alternating between looking at the clay tray and closing my eyes to focus on the after image. Then I lay down for 30 minutes to just pay attention to what happened in the visual field, bearing in mind that my mind does know how to visualize since it visualizes stuff everyday in the wakeful dream reality. I could rather easily smooth out the clay tray in my looking at it so that diverging details of the surface were sort of photoshopped away. The after image was beautiful, a blue or indogo-colored disk with a bright golden halo. It looked just like an eclipse. To my surprise it actually did transform into something that reminded of the claytray - a terracotta/apricot disc. It wasn't as distinct as I know the red dot of the fire kasina to be, and it never reached that richly detailed version that I have seen in fire kasina during jhana either, and it didn't last nearly as long. However, as I refreshed my gaze at the kasina, a black disc showed up. At least that trajectory was familiar. After the black disc the imagery was less distinct. It was shimmery and vague but at least the murk was alive. In the latter part of the session, when I was lying down, there were the usual flourescent violet swirls but with an overlay of apricot swirling. When that calmed down, I found that I could visualize the claytray pretty well without being disturbed by the murk. I was very relaxed and got into somewhat dreamy territory, and sometimes there was this flash of solidifying that is hard to explain. Like I could have reached out and touched the claytray hovering over me, even though I didn't see it that clearly. Kinesthetically I believed in it being there. 

Something that I like about the earth kasina is how grounding it is. I have had many periods in my life when I have been spaced out and needed to ground myself in different ways. In such periods, I haven't even been able to hug a friend in a swimming pool without my whole body floating up all by itself, and if I have been standing up, my body has become like boiled spaghetti. I have often found myself unable to lift my arms as there was no connection to the body. This has been accompanied by a special form of anxiety that is ungrounded in its nature. Now I'm thinking of this as a tendency to have the earth element dissolved. Grounding really helps, and interestingly enough, even if one buys into the psychiatric framework of dissociation (as I used to do with self-diagnosis), the therapy recommendations are filled with grounding exercises. I find that making it into a ritual, as in some homebaked magick, actually works even better. I don't find that very surprising. Thinking of oneself as dissociative really doesn't help with the grounding. Thinking of oneself as someone who can tune into and work with the earth element, on the other hand, has exactly the right connotations. Stable, firm, grounded, steady, solid, stoic even. It does wonders for my posture and balance. Also, I don't think there is much of a risk that regular sessions of earth kasina will make me too earthy, unless I go for an intense retreat. 

I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way. 
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Lars, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way. 

Chapter 4 of the Visuddhimagga covers the earth kasina. As you mentioned, it's not exactly short but you might find it useful. You can find free PDF versions online. Don't remember where I found it unfortunately.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 2:07 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/24/20 2:38 PM
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Practice today:

Day: one hour of noticing with all senses.
Evening: 75 minutes of yoga asanas + one hour of pranayama and meditation in a restorative yoga position.

I have booked an 8 day meditation retreat in May here in Sweden but with teachers from Gaia House in England and registered myself as a student at Ligmincha International.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/25/20 9:26 AM
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This morning before waking up I was convinced that I was doing energy work. It involved twisting the wrist of my left arm to remove energy blockages. When I woke up I remembered that I hadn't been able to do the same thing with my right wrist. Now, late afternoon, the same thing happened during meditation. There were lots of kriyas, including twisting my left wrist. It definitely felt like it took away a blockage. I tried to do the same thing intentionally with my right wrist, as it wouldn't happen on its own, but that didn't do the trick. Now my right wrist feels blocked. 

I have done the nine breathings of purification. I sure needed it. This has been a miserable day. I have been feeling completely worthless. It felt like nothing would ever help. I had been to a meeting with a children's psychologist who could no nothing to help my kid. It made me doubt  that meditation would ever do any good too. I wasn't motivated to even try. However, I recognized that as doubt, so I automatically started noting. Somehow, that cleared up the respiratory tract and made things literally click in my head. So I thought I might as well at least do that breathing exercise when I for once had all those feelings laid bare to work with. And so I did. It allowed for some peace to mix in with the remaining grief. Then I did 30 minutes of six different mini-slots. Then I lay down to relax and let the body unclench on its own and the energy body to do whatever it needed to do, which apparently involved lots of kriyas. They scared away one of my cats. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/25/20 3:00 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Being interrupted 30 times or so while trying to meditate on a night when everything feels like shit sure sheds light on aversions. It wasn't hard to find stuff to note. I even got angry because noting worked. It was like the universe was telling me that my kid's wellbeing wasn't important. So then I noted clinging to anger. And anger anger anger. It kept giving me signs that it is working and part of me is still pissed off because of that. 

At least awareness's recognition of itself is accessible. 

I feel thoughts energetically before they have words. Every single one of them changes the energy field.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 4:42 AM
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I'm darknighting hard (potentially PMDD-related). I woke up too early this morning in deep misery, and there was no relief in the dharma. Emptiness seemed empty in a bad way. I would have wanted to die if I had believed that there were relief in dying. A couple of hours later I managed to lay down to meditate. It was hazy and slow but with peripheral clarity. No kriyas. I was cold. It felt like lying on the bottom of a very muddy and sticky pond, sort of, for about one and a half hour. Then suddenly things changed. I can't wrap my head around exactly what happened as it doesn't seem to fit the map, or maybe I just didn't notice the gradual progression of dukkha nanas as it was all just an abyss. Anyway, suddenly there was clarity and phenomena seemed to synch up. I could see inummerable dots of light flashing by, and the body temperature rised so I had to take away blankets. Then it returned to normal-shitty non-pathological low. I don't know if there was a short bounce up into equanimity or down to A&P or if it was just the relief of coming out from the depth of misery and disgust that jump-started me a bit. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 7:45 AM
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45 minutes basically comprising of depressive mindwandering and nausea with a few odd showers of freezingly cold piti. Occasional observations of how the mind contracted around stuff and created points that thought they were centers. Instances of spaciousness here and there, accompanied of reality appearing in multisensorial chunks. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 3:24 PM
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Things brightened up during the day. It may have been the fact that I did the nine breathings of purification on public transports, holding up a napkin and pretending to blow my nose, that did the trick, or maybe the Tsa Lung exercises, or the prospect of getting to do two and a half hours of yoga in the evening. Whatever it was, space opened up and the breath was exquisite. Now I plan to meditate until I fall asleep.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 6:04 AM
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Morning practice was rather dull. 30 minutes divided into sid slots. One observation was that when ideas pop up for me, they tend to do so in a non-discursive way, using a combination of kinesthetic and touch sensations, visuals and smells. A lot of my discursive thoughts are translations from sensorial ideas into discourse. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 1:42 PM
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I'm trying to summarize my practice after SE in a document. I started it several months ago and then life got in the way. When I reread the summary so far today, I recognized my current practice from the section that I named "stuck in newbie territory" which occurred after the late review phase. It was ridiculously similar. Thus I hypothesized that a narrow focus would work well again, so I decided to try focusing on my breath under the nose. I did so for about 70 minutes, part of which I spent in a light first jhana. Okay then. So maybe I'm not darknighting, but dealing with the 3C nana. That was always a tough one for me. That would also explain all the kriyas and the pain I have been dealing with lately. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 4:09 PM
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On the other hand... I'm watching teachings about how our sensory experiences are vibrational, and there are a bunch of people who can't even relate to that, which is clear from their questions and comments. I don't get how it is possible not to notice it. I mean, that's just obvious. So I guess newbie stage is a relative thing. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 11:15 PM
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I dreamt that I was meditating on the vibrational flow in all sense gates and then I woke up in a light fourth jhana which however faded away. I'm using conventional language with regard to sleep and wakefulness here although I don't really believe in those boundaries anymore. Apparently there are still unconscious thought patterns that believe in the difference, as there is such a difference with regard to what is accessble. Fourth jhana has been out of reach lately, but obviously the unconscious knows how to get there when some processes are asleep. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/28/20 9:32 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I dreamt that I was meditating on the vibrational flow in all sense gates and then I woke up in a light fourth jhana which however faded away. I'm using conventional language with regard to sleep and wakefulness here although I don't really believe in those boundaries anymore. Apparently there are still unconscious thought patterns that believe in the difference, as there is such a difference with regard to what is accessble. Fourth jhana has been out of reach lately, but obviously the unconscious knows how to get there when some processes are asleep. 

It was the fourth vipassana jhana, not shamatha jhana.

---

I followed Michael Taft's newest guided meditation today. I don't find them as frustrating nowadays as I did before. They used to "work" for me so well at times and then at other times I didn't get them at all. Now I understand that I'm not supposed to get them, not the way I thought anyway. They aren't designed to result in trips. During our last sessions he explained to me his view of the difference between vipassana and non-dual practice, and he said that the latter didn't involve the drilling that vipassana does. I'm starting to understand what he was pointing at. And in this session it was clear that I still cling to the drilling. I never thought of it as drilling because that's not how I would have put it, but I can see that there is "zooming in" on sensations going on, and that the zooming in does things to the experiences. Which is totally valid. Nothing wrong with that. But I suspect that it would be a good thing to stay mindful of what it is that I'm currently doing and not confuse methods with each other. Interesting. Different pathways lead to different phenomenology. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/28/20 3:55 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Evening: two hours of shamatha, with varied quality. Second jhana is available again. The nada sound works as a nimitta again. It seems like timing is important. It doesn't work if I start with focusing on the sound. I need to start with the breath and then switch over to the sound when the concentration is strong enough for the sound to manifest as a nimitta rather than empty space. When the timing is right, vibrations in all sense gates synch up. That makes it easier for piti to turn into sound and for the sound to be distilled into light. It makes me think of alchemy. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:02 AM
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Morning: 75 minutes of Vinyasa yoga, 2 h of a combination between yin yoga and restorative yoga. During the shivasana of the first yoga class, there was a blip (impermanence door) right after I had let go of stubborn tics and opened up to the moment.

Afternoon: one hour of what started out as shamatha on the breath but turned into just opening up to the present moment. I forgot all about the breath as glimpses of awareness recognizing itself showed up in all their amazing simplicity. Layers of tensions dissolved. There was another blip. 

I had just accepted that I was going to be stuck in lower nanas for a while. I don't know what to think of this. 

These blips stand out very clearly because of the special sound in the coming back (it's an electronic beep) and the "What the f-uck?!" or disruptiveness of it all. They always come as a surprise. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 12:11 PM
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Did the five Tsa Lung Movements. The one that felt most clearing was the pervasive wind element wind, which wan't that much of a surprise as it is said to clear away blockages for success (I didn't see that until after doing it). I'm a chronic procrastinator with enormous performance anxiety. Seems like the perfect exercise for me. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 11:04 PM
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There are structures of bright light in various colors spinning around in my peripheral vision. It happens when I try to watch netflix so maybe it's from processing the light from the ipad screen.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 1:20 AM
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Okay, now I heard a voice in my ear. It was on the threshold between sleep and wakefulness (still can't find better words for it although that categorization is obviously rather arbitrary) so it was probably a hypnagogic or hypnopomp hallucination. The voice didn't say anything comprehensible. It was a male voice and it sounded like American English pronunciation, but it sounded like "thought-ass" or something, haha. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 2:46 AM
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My peripheral vision has improved again. Now I can see some details 180 degrees. 

Still too much sense of agency to be anywhere near what third path is supposed to be, though. I'll probably need hundreds of bug fixes before that happens. 

Edited to add: I don't even know what is normal vision. I'm pretty sure that I started out with an unusually narrow and limited visual field.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 4:35 AM
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I just had a yoga class focusing on balance, and noticed that my balance has suddenly improved tangibly too. That has happened before after  fruitions and it didn't last, so I'm not expecting any miracles. Still, it was pretty cool. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 7:03 AM
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I have noticed that selfing is very much embodied (having Tourette makes this very tangible), and so I'm experimenting with relaxing the body so much that selfing can't occur. Interesting how complete stillness of the body also stills the mind. Also, it tends to get very bright. Lots of popping going on. 

I couldn't tell where my body ended and my cat's body began. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/2/20 4:59 PM
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My drastically improved balance was back to normal already today. I wasn't surprised. This doesn't feel like a review phase so I'll assume that those fruitions were from an earlier path. I have had a horrible headache today (due to eating a small amount of black pepper; this body is ridiculously sensitive) so my practice today mainly focused on that. I found that it really makes a difference when I manage not to contract around the pain. I also did a yoga class and a pranayama class. There were some tinglings at the crown chakra. I dwelled in the space of awareness recognizing itself. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 2:54 PM
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Something came up today that made me reflect on my cravings and aversions. A few days ago I realized that I had missed the opportunity of going to Iceland for a conference. I discovered that I had misunderstood when I would be notified about my submitted abstract. I was waiting for the notice in vain, and so I searched my inbox and noticed that I had received a message several weeks ago where they did not accept my abstract as part of the symposium I had intended to be part of. Instead they encouraged me to send in the abstract anew, for an individual presentation. I had totally missed that, and now it was too late. I discovered this very early in the morning and in the midst of the abyss of wanting-to-die-pms, and I was devastated, while at the same time being very aware that the suffering was caused by my wanting it to be different. Being aware of that didn't help as much as I would have wished (another set of cravings and aversions noted). A few days later, when the pms had ended, it wasn't that bad. I was saying to myself that I really need to focus on writing my book anyway, and that flying is bad for the environment. I was okay with it but still disappointed both with the crushed dream of finally getting to experience Iceland and with myself for making that stupid mistake.

Then today I was told that nobody in my research group will go to that conference, because that symposium was not accepted and everyone who had applied for an individual presentation were offered to do poster presentations only. I was so relieved. That doesn’t make sense at all. I was happy because I wouldn’t miss out on anything - but that isn’t true, as I still won’t go to Iceland. I was relieved because suddenly it wasn’t a mistake not to make that new application. Instead of missing it, I now spared myself unnecessary work. But it’s not like the history has really changed. And yet it has, because history is a story that we tell ourselves. It is so illusory. I even said out loud that I had felt so bad for nothing, which is kind of funny, because that is really suffering in its making. I couldn’t even just be happy now (which is silly too), but I felt bad for feeling bad earlier! That lasted only a few seconds, though, thankfully, because it was so obviously empty.

Thankfully my colleagues didn’t seem very sad. They all work fulltime and can afford to travel to Iceland for holidays. Still I feel a bit ashamed for being happy that my colleagues didn’t get to go to Iceland either, becuse that is the only ”fact” that has changed. I suppose that counts as ill will, even though it feels more like being spared from envying them, which would also be ill will. And my feeling ashamed doesn’t make anything better. That’s not a strong feeling, though. I think it falls into the category of being human. The crown of the creation, my ass.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:31 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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And I still haven't really learned the lesson... I just realized that I was supposed to reconfirm, again, that I still want to be on the waiting list for a Goenka retreat that starts tomorrow. I did now, and they can still contact me tomorrow, but I may have missed opportunities since they sent out that email the last time, which I feel bad about. The message was identical to one they have sent before so I didn't realize that they were expecting another reply (I kept checking their website record of our correspondence, and I didn't realize that it was a new copy of the same message). At least this time I find myself hoping that nobody got sick the last few days, which feels better than in the post above, but it still illustrates how storytelling is deeply entangled with craving and aversion and how much I identify with this constructed entity ("me") and put it at the center of everything.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:41 PM
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Then it dawned on me that maybe this means that somebody who longs for a retreat even more than me got to go, and that feels good. There is some joy for others accessible there as well. That's a relief (self grasping noted).
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:48 PM
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Apparently the thought of something being "my own fault" is a trigger for reactive patterns. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 12:45 AM
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I did some wakeful dream yoga exercises yesterday, imagining dreamsigns in the wakeful experience and planted the intention to remember dreams (seems like a reasonable first steps). I actually remember quite a lot from the dreams (too personal to post) and dream signs did appear in them. Maybe they would have become lucid if they had the chance, I don't know. There were cats insisting on getting in and getting out all the time, so I was constantly interrupted. Those who instruct that one should lie perfectly still for quite some after waking up obviously do not have a cat that scratches them in the face until they get up (ironically, he is named Morpheus). I did notice, however, that I tend to redirect stuff in dreams. I do that and still don't realize that it's a dream. I'll not that as a strong dream sign. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 3:20 AM
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Meh, I went back into the same dream and made some changes to it and still didn't realize it was a dream. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 4:37 PM
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My practice today involved two and a half hours of yoga, some dzogchen and some dream yoga. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 6:20 AM
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When I listen to some teachings on youtube, for instance from Bhante Gunaratana and Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, I feel something happening at the crown of my head. Kind of a softening, a gentle breeze, a light...? Is that a sign of what is referred to as transmission? Or do I just have a very active imagination? 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 12:51 PM
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I'm continuing with my online course from Ligmincha. It is a very basic level, but as it is a new tradition to me, there is much to learn. For some reason it resonates with me. It does something. From the framework I'm used to from before, it feels like it cultivates the Brahmaviharas and the formless realms. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 1:11 PM
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What will you do when you run out of new teachers and techniques to study? :-)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:33 PM
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Oh, that won't happen. I'll die before that. 

I don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles. 

Right now I'm watching Michael Taft's latest teaching at SF Dharma Collective (from their youtube channel, not his own one) and he ties together Mahayana and Theravadan traditions, which was pretty much what we were talking about during our last lessions. (I just took a short break now because I had a hunch that there would be a comment.) The essence of the Ligmincha teachings so far are very much in line with what Michael says and what Lama Lena says - and also very much in line with MCTB2, albeit with a different framing and emphasis. What is most new to me is the rituals - singing in Tibetan, visualizing very specific stuff, specific movements (seems to work similarly to Kundalini yoga but it has its own grammar) and some terminology (although I had heard those words in dharma talks before, they are put together in a way that is new to me). I get that the ritual stuff is tech to see something that is already there, but it's cool that it actually works, and it's cool that it gives symbolic meaning to sensations I already had and enables me to work with them more hands-on, to transform them. The energetic level always made sense to me, intuitively. It's the concept level of it that feels a bit foreign. However, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche has a tendency to use language that is very close to how I conceptualize some of it. He simplifies it enough for me to get what he is pointing at, at least roughly, especially since I relate it to other resources as well. And his teachings tie together my interest in the silence, in the elements, in the lucid sleep, and in sound healing (which suits this kinesthetic and auditory mind).

I'm considering taking a course on the elements in real time that starts a few feeks from now. That course costs, unlike these introductory courses, but then I will also have the opportunity to interact with the Rinpoche and ask questions. I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to be careful with my money as I don't yet know if I'll have an employment from the beginning of July. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:58 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles.
 

That was a bit misleading... It's not like I think that there is an objective phenomenon out there that can be mapped from every angle. Not at all. An important point of it is exploring the interactiveness of it. How it takes shape depending on the dynamics of approaching it, sort of like the observer's paradox although the observer is just as much a product of the dynamics as the assumed object. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:34 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Oh, that won't happen. I'll die before that. 


So you'll never get out of the boat, and finish crossing over? emoticon

emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:46 PM
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I was hoping that trying all different methods would be a bit overkill...? And that maybe I wouldn't need to. emoticon

On a more serious note, point taken. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 6:44 PM
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A suffering door fruition wants to happen. I don't know how to let go. It hurts and I'm scared. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:01 PM
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It feels like I'm in labor although the pain is in my shoulders and it feels like I'm about to deliver something from my heart. Either that or I'm very slowly being drawn into a singularity, torn apart and stretched out. Please let me let go!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 10:54 PM
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I didn't. Instead I fell asleep and dreamt that I had contractions and that my entire torso opened up and a tiny tiny child came out who grew and was able to walk and talk while I was still waiting for help from a doctor. 

It was weird, what happened. After acknowledging that Malcolm was right, that I'm chasing around and basically avoiding the work I need to do, I lay down and tried to have faith that the needed tools are already in place. I tried to surrender. It hurt, so for a while I tried to adjust my position over and over again and took pain killers that didn't help. I realized that there was probably nothing wrong physically and tried to just surrender to the pain. That made it grow in intensity, and at the same time I was drawn into vipassana jhanas. The nada sound was loud. There were visuals, first an intense flickering of lights, then patterns (the grainy kind), and there was an intense pressure in the head. There was a forceful widening that felt like my eyes were drawn apart. The pain in my shoulders was intensifying and it felt like there was a force tearing me apart. The cessation never came. I didn't let go enough. Thinking about this starts the pain anew. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:55 AM
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There were brief instances of lucid dreaming this morning, not from getting lucid from within the dreams but from falling back into sleep and into the same dreams while retaining lucidity for a while. Unfortunately I cannot recall what content drew me back into the illusion.

This afternoon I did some letting go of grasping meditation with a varied result. I fell into both ditches of restlessness and dullness. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:21 PM
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In the evening I practiced some basics of the Bön tradition, with dedication, the nine breathings of purification, Tsa Lung, and three doors practice. The Tsa Lung exercises were a bit overwhelming today. After the first three exercises I felt slightly nauseous, and after the fourth one    (the pervasive wind) there were intense piti and relief. The fifth one doesn't seem to affect me that much, but maybe it has a stabilizing effect. After those exercises, it is surprisingly easy to connect to the three doors (not the same ones as in MCTB2, but stillness of the body, silence, and spaciousness of the mind). There are instant purple swirls and spaciousness and bliss (even without the Tsa Lung exercises). It is probably helpful for my ADHD mind to frame the meditation so clearly. Whether or not this will lead me to transforming insights I cannot tell, but at times when the three poisons are particularly stubborn, I believe this may be a way to maintain both a steady practice and relative wellbeing. 

There are very bright dots flickering in my visual field now and then, off cushion and with eyes open. The sound of silence is getting loud again. I wonder if this is how tinnitus sounds. I don't mind it. I find it comforting. It reminds me that there is space. Listening to it opens up possibilities where the contracted mind can't see any. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:38 AM
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One dimension of depth vision just disappeared again. This time everything was horizontally flat. The time before it was vertically flat. It doesn't last long but I can repeat it, for now.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:08 PM
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Practice has been interesting today. Challenging but interesting. I have often said that something I love about vipassana is that it is failproof, that it is impossible to fail because if one makes a mistake, noting it turns it into good vipassana, and if one fails to note it, then one notes that, and so forth. Yeah well, I still think it's a good principle, but it turns out that there are times when the chain of failings to note becomes too long and one completely forgets what one is doing. I don't really believe that there are solid layers to work with in the mind, okay, but it tends to manifest as if there were. The construction/manifestation of layer that I'm currently working on has "laid bare" some stuff that triggers such chains. it's an entanglement of the ego's fear of annihilation, defense mechanisms, and the relatively hard wiring (as it tends to manifest) of my neurodivergent brain. It all hooks on to each other. And of course it would be great if I could just note or notice this as it happens in any given now moment. The things is, I can't. However, there are ways to make it possible.

It is true that I have been rushing between teachings lately in a desperate attempt to make up for all the years that I have "missed out on" the dharma, as the grasping thinks of it. It is also true that this grasping is something that I need to work on, because otherwise I will stay asleep. It is also true that the tech I'm currently learning (beginner exercises from Bön lineage with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche) works - not as a replacement for vipassana, but as an enabler for vipassana. Part of it is how it keeps the avoidant mind busy with details that don't horrify the ego, just like many theravadan techs also do. Part of it is that it works with intentions and with dedications for the benefit of all sentient beings - hardly unique for this tech, but it adds to the toolbox of how to do it. I think I will cherrypick some of it. Part of it is that the Brahmaviharas are integrated in all sessions, and in a way that uses all senses and that doesn't feel false or sleezy and doesn't trigger old patterns of guilt and shame. For me this feels like genuine compassion and it cultivates The same in me. That cuts through my defenses, in a good way (I figured out that this is also why Malcolm's pointers always seems to work when little else does, and it is probably also how guru yoga works when it works - the genuine compassion together with my trust cuts through my defenses). In addition, it adds a symbolic language that seems to resonate with my unconscious, and movements that have a similar effect to the yoga I'm already used to - all in one package. And the teacher seems decent and approachable and is altruistic enough to offer a lot of his teachings for free. Also, his age isn't super high and he looks healthy so there is actually at least statistically a chance that I may get to see him before he dies, especially since he travels around and comes to Europe. 

So - after nine breathings of purification, dedication, a few minutes of shinei, five Tsa Lung exercises, guru yoga with transmission (not worshipping any living guru, but opening up to one's own Buddha nature by way of a ritualized practice that involves symbolism and Brahmaviharas and all senses, at least for me), and a guided meditation geared towards the three doors of body (stillness), speech (silence) and mind (spaciousness) and towards the trikayas, I was finally able to do vipassana. And I have always done vipassana the way it works for me, varying the levels (concept, phenomenon, vibrational, and awareness) according to what I feel is needed. I don't care whether it is Theravadan or Mahayana, as long as it works. 

Then I could actually both note and notice my reaction chains. I had become vulnerable and somewhat defenseless, but also confident enough to face the challenges. There are a lot of fear responses, but it is managable. It may take some time to break through all of the defenses. That's okay. I feel compassion for the fear responses. They aren't the enemy, just misguided. I know how to work with that. I have done it before. Hopefully it will take less effort to cut through the strongest defenses eventually, so that I can cut down on the rituals. 

I noticed that some of the movement/dance I have been sensing in the stillness, in some synesthetic mix of senses (visually, kinesthetically and auditorily), is actually my heartbeat as experienced at a vibrational level. Cool!

Now, after a dinner break (I ate while writing), I will get back to meditation again. Vipassana, reclining, after all this sitting practice.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 5:26 PM
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Yeah right... Who am I kidding? Taking a break took away the focus. I procrastinated starting again (defense mechanisms back online), and when I did get started, there was this constant buzz of thoughts about maybe needing a bathroom break just in case and lots of discursive yada yada. I was able to see that, but I also got lost in content over and over again. There is frustration. There is also shame. There is some self-bashing, but not that much. My mood is actually quite okay*. Having ADHD but being unmedicated most of my life, I'm so used to this. It's familiar. A wellknown suffering for which I at least have som coping mechanisms, in contrast to the great unknown that apparently spooks parts of me out. I think I am slowly letting go of this weird reobservation-attatchment, though. The constant selfing is pretty tiresome. I used to get high on the mindspeed but now I know that it backfires. That takes away the fun. Also, it is so predictable that it's silly. Undignifying. This sounds like much self-bashing, but it doesn't really feel like it (not compared to periods of deep self-loathing, anyway) because despite all the selfing I know that the constructed self is a mirage. And yet it keeps going. It's like a parody. What annoys me most right now, at least as far as I'm conscious of, is that there's actually interesting stuff going on at the same time, at a vibrational level, and I just can't keep my focus on it. I wonder if it would be possible to trick myself into trying to focus on the yada yada content and thereby make that fall into the background. Probably not. 

*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 6:19 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Yeah right... Who am I kidding? Taking a break took away the focus. I procrastinated starting again (defense mechanisms back online), and when I did get started, there was this constant buzz of thoughts about maybe needing a bathroom break just in case and lots of discursive yada yada. I was able to see that, but I also got lost in content over and over again. There is frustration. There is also shame. There is some self-bashing, but not that much. My mood is actually quite okay*. Having ADHD but being unmedicated most of my life, I'm so used to this. It's familiar. A wellknown suffering for which I at least have som coping mechanisms, in contrast to the great unknown that apparently spooks parts of me out. I think I am slowly letting go of this weird reobservation-attatchment, though. The constant selfing is pretty tiresome. I used to get high on the mindspeed but now I know that it backfires. That takes away the fun. Also, it is so predictable that it's silly. Undignifying. This sounds like much self-bashing, but it doesn't really feel like it (not compared to periods of deep self-loathing, anyway) because despite all the selfing I know that the constructed self is a mirage. And yet it keeps going. It's like a parody. What annoys me most right now, at least as far as I'm conscious of, is that there's actually interesting stuff going on at the same time, at a vibrational level, and I just can't keep my focus on it. I wonder if it would be possible to trick myself into trying to focus on the yada yada content and thereby make that fall into the background. Probably not. 

*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling. 

Are you noting the third vipassana jhana?  emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 7:00 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation. I love third vipassana jhana. Usually. But apparently not yesterday. I only count it as jhana when I'm absorbed, and that goes for the vipassana jhana as well. Third shamatha jhana and third vipassana jhana are two very different things but in my experience they are both absorbed. It's just that the vipassana kind tears you apart whereas the shamatha kind is still and calm and sort of muffled. And weirdly enough I usually prefer the kind that tears me apart. Except yesterday it hurt so badly that it stopped mesmerizing me. 
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Siavash ', modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:32 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation.

I thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.

(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:54 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Siavash:
I don't count that as third vipassana jhana. That's just regular reobservation.

I thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.

(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)

Reobservation is a nana. If absorption accours in it during vipassana practice, third vipassana jhana arises. 

Yes, it did. Technically it didn't disappear. It just moved back in the recent posts department because there is a bug in the code with regard to date and time if some post is deleted. I have reported that bug before. Thanks for looking for the thread!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 9:37 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Now I have noted third vipassana jhana, possibly with a quick visit in a very light version of fourth vipassana jhana (or rather what I think of as third and a half) and an impermanence door fruition. Not a path moment. Just enough bliss that I can finally get some sleep, I hope. 

Why is it that when I try to meditate, it is almost impossible, and when I try to sleep, meditation insists on happening? Yeah, I know, it's because I finally relax enough, but it isn't fair. *grumpy*
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:46 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Damn energetic pain! I need to sleep! It's close to four o'clock in the morning and I haven't been able to sleep yet. 

Seems to involve some glands or something. Groups of tiny lumps that form a cluster of lump groups. The lumps move around when I put pressure on them with a finger.

And now the nada sound is loud again and it feels like static electricity around my head. My body has that kind of vibrations that I for so many years thought was some kind of pathological tremor. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 7:49 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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It turns out that I seem to have heart chakra pain. How about that? Heartopening yoga exercises seem to be a potential cure. I felt that very clearly at the yoga class this morning. I guess things are going on with that nerve bundle. My unconscious seemed to know, hence the meditation experience of being about to give birth through the heart and the dream about my torso opening up to give birth. The nerves from the heart chakra are connected to many muscles that I tend to have pain in. Energetic practices seem to actually deal with that stuff in a constructive way. The pain is probably connected to the phenomenology of feeling contracted, and to resisting that. Spiritosomatic pain, oh yay. Interesting how symbolic it all is. 

My mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed.  For now I'm content with that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 9:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
My mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed.  For now I'm content with that. 

On the other hand, those dissociative seizures I used to have had a similar effect. I sometimes used them to reboot myself. I must say that I'm not overly impressed with these repeated fruitions. The path moments make a huge difference, but this... Is there a point to it? I'm assuming that it fills some function. Maybe it's like an ordinary restart of the computer whereas the path moments are restarts after a major upgrade. There seem to be some minor upgrades too, for some fruitions.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 4:55 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I decided to take care of myself today. I did some more stretching on the cylinder-shaped bolster and noticed how it affects the vibrations of the body - quite a lot, actually. It made me wonder if all that movement shows how much samsaric stuff is going on. Maybe the key to truly formless realms is to get rid of all that and have the stillness be so still that when the body is dissolved, the energy field is so still that it dissolves too. If so, maybe it's a good thing that my third vipassana jhanas tend to be calmer and more "boring" now. There wasn't much motion in the third vipassana jhana that hurt so much. Maybe that's why the remaining tearing stood out so fiercely. In dukkha nanas the vibrations have mainly been in the same area in daily life as well. Michael Taft actually warned me about pain from focusing so much on the kinesthetics.  He had me work with other senses to balance it up. I'm grateful for that. Thankfully, the pain is gone for now. 

Then I have connected to all the elements, taken a candle-lit herbal bath, and listened to dharma talks and done guided meditations and chantings by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (some of it while in the bath; the five point position is so much more comfortable when sitting in warm water), just because it makes me feel great. When I chant Tibetan syllables, loud overtones appear automatically. They seem to be constructed that way. I noticed that different syllables are dominated by different overtones, and that it matches which chakras they represent. That's really cool. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 8:56 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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It's weird how much emotions are tied up in body tissues. Just lying on my back on a bolster, stretching muscles in shoulders, chest and back, gives emotional responses. It opens up fear and nausea and vulnerability, but also relief. Sorry for spamming with so many brief reports. It's a lifeline for me. I'll probably go through similar stuff again as it all seems to be spiralling, and it helps to backtrack and check what was helpful the last time. 

How do people manage to go through with meditation without yoga or something similar? Maybe they don't somatize as much and therefore don't need it. 

Ugh, I feel dizzy now. Maybe detox isn't just a hoax. I don't know what to believe about anything anymore. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 12:16 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Meh... I was getting close to fourth vipassana jhana yesterday at night, but then I fell asleep. Sure, I was sleep deprived, but it wasn't that urgent.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:37 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hypothesis for investigation: piti is the vibrational quality of samsara. It feels good because it is impermanent. It isn't the bubbles themselves that feel good, but the bursting of them. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:50 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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So... if one solidifies piti, it becomes suffering. If one lets the samsara flow just as it is, it becomes vibrational. Something like that. 

So when I "cured" pain with piti, that was a misunderstanding. The pain and the piti was the same thing, only approached differently. 

I need to let go of the piti to be able to let go of the pain. I need to let piti be piti, that is, let it be impermanence. Grasping it turns it into pain.

I think I'm obscuring the intuition with intellectualization now...
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:15 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I think it's everything I'm grabbing onto that hurts. Right now it is mainly in my neck. Throat chakra stuff? Ah. Yeah, I know what it is.*

But the hypothesis about piti as the vibrational quality of samsara is still on. 

*) Edited to add: Hahaha, that's why listening to the silence helps. So obvious, so literal, just like the symbolic language of dreams. Thankyou, Sambhogakaya! Point taken. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:21 AM
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Okay, this is just ridiculously obvious. That insight took the neckpain away. Its vibrational quality appeared, as piti, and then it was gone. Really gone. But as soon as I had discursive thoughts about how to present that (selfing through speech), the pain was instantly back. Okay, I'll have to approach this pain as a pedagogical reminder. I don't have to like it, but apparently I need it, until the hook of the speech is dissolved. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:01 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I just realized something that I have already been told several times in different ways, but now it sank in. I don't need to let go of the behavior I think is needed. It's the hook in it, the selfing, the stake in it, that I need to stop solidifying. I don't know exactly how to do that yet, but the key is turned. One of them, anyway. 

Ah. I think I'm on the threshold between 11.3 and 11.4 right now, in some unspecified insight cycle. Hence this weird combo of micro and macro observations and calmness and mindspeed that looks like hypomania in text. I recognize this from before. HAH! That's what frutions from former paths do: they "stabilize" equanimity on the relative macro level for a while whereas the micro-cycling speeds up. At least that's a hypothesis for now. 

I think that unspecified insight cycle may be where the mapping starts making sense again. I think I started out seeing more of a macro-level cycling compared to the cycling that practicioners usually learn to recognize on retreats, and then I learned to identify the micro-level of cycling, which was confusing, and now I can see them both (that is, I can see two of the levels; I'm not saying that's all of them). Maybe it's more common to start with the micro-cycling? I don't know. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:37 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Crossposting to keep track of the impermanence of views:

I have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains. 

Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important. 

I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains. 

I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood. 

This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:55 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Crossposting to keep track of the impermanence of views:

I have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains. 

Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important. 

I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains. 

I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood. 

This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers. 


Hahaha! This did increase my pain in the throat chakra, just as suspected, and boasting about the suspicion here will probably make it even worse, but it may be the case that I need to squeeze this ball really really hard before all mind processes intersecting with the Polly Ester continuum construction let the insight sink in that letting go of the ball is a relief. 

Squeezing the ball like this moves me on the map from 11.3-11.4 to 10.3.11-10.4.11... or something like that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:07 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Note to (not)self: I see that you are looking for validation now, responses that tell you that you are on the right track. That's just counterproductive. All validation that is needed for insight comes from the practice. Pointers are another thing. Those can come from the "outside". But do I need one right now? No. I already have the pointers I need right now, so let's just work with them instead of chasing validation, okay?

There's that ticking noice from the paranasal cavities, which actually maps quite well to the energy channels. The ticking noice is a clearing of the energy channels. Ah. Okay, that's my validation for this particular post. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Note to aspiring teachers: Please don't poke too much on what you think need to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill. Malcolm, you are totally innocent in this (not that I blame anyone - it's just how it is). Your gentle nudging works perfectly. I'm doing most of the poking myself, because I'm impatient. But sometimes wellmeaning teachers-to-be interfere persistently with my own poking because they don't see why I need to take that detour, and that adds to the already painful process. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. 

I think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 1:35 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Note to aspiring teachers: Please don't poke too much on what you think need to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill. Malcolm, you are totally innocent in this (not that I blame anyone - it's just how it is). Your gentle nudging works perfectly. I'm doing most of the poking myself, because I'm impatient. But sometimes wellmeaning teachers-to-be interfere persistently with my own poking because they don't see why I need to take that detour, and that adds to the already painful process. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. 

I think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do. 
emoticon  Metta to you Linda.  Also, you seem to be getting a variety of rather good micro-insights at the moment - space perceptions, piti and pain, dharmic hooks.  Keep going!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 2:32 PM
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Thankyou so much!

I decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time. 

Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:53 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Thankyou so much!

I decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time. 

Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
Thanks Linda!  I'm touched.  But of course, I'm only as good as my most recent piece of advice   emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 7:32 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Fun fact - science supports my experience of "destilling" sound into light. Apparently there is something called sonoluminesence which is the process whereby a loud sound generates an emission of light. I thought I was clever, but there's a shrimp - the mantis shrimp - that can do the same thing in a way that is visible for others as well. 

I googled "sound turns into light". 

I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Fun fact - science supports my experience of "destilling" sound into light. Apparently there is something called sonoluminesence which is the process whereby a loud sound generates an emission of light. I thought I was clever, but there's a shrimp - the mantis shrimp - that can do the same thing in a way that is visible for others as well. 

I googled "sound turns into light". 

I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well. 

Nah, I don't think we filter it out. It's still the same shit. And the same sacredness. We just think we filter it out. It's an escape. And for many of us probably a detour that we need to do, to squeeze that ball really tight before we can really let go. 
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Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
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Cavitation produces sonoluminescence. That's probably how the shrimp does it. 

(That's a non-dharma comment.)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:11 AM
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Chris Marti:
Cavitation produces sonoluminescence. That's probably how the shrimp does it. 

(That's a non-dharma comment.)

Yes, it is. 

It seems to have some dharma-relevance, though, at least for the phenomenology. In my experience, light does appear when bubbles burst. Visually, I mean. It does for me.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:15 AM
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But of course, the light is in itself one giant bubble. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
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Hypothesis: Shamatha is the act of trying to squeeze samsara into a diamond. 

As for the hypothesis about ADHD medication, at least it is much easier to instantly get the feeling of floating without it, and the nada sound gets louder. However, there's also that thing with the racing mind that has to be dealt with. I think it can, but that requires patience and it requires letting go of the idea of what clarity is. The racing mind is grasping for what it thinks is clarity. There's also that thing with dullness, which is the sweet smooth seductiveness of ignorance. The unattentive mind is vulnerable to that seduction. Yet the vulnerability seems to be an important part of the equation. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 1:28 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I had dharma-related dreams:

I was flying and knew that it was a meditation-related experience, that it had to do with what I thought of as possible. It happened in a bedroom with someone (not sure who, could be several persons merged into one) sleeping next to me, so on some level I knew that it was a dream, only it wasn't any bedroom I recognize. Then there was clinging to the experience and to conditions that the dream-me thought was enabling the experience.

I was in my bathroom, looking at the reflection of myself in the mirror. My face was looking back at me but it wasn't attached to any physical body. I liked it. Then I realized that if this imagery could appear, then horror images could appear as well. And so they did. It was a bit scary but I kept looking and reminded myself that it was all a mirage anyway. The imagery shifted back and forth many times. It couldn't hurt me. I didn't believe in it. Nor did I believe in the regular image. 

There were also lots of photography during some kind of journey, grasping to all the experiences on the journey, capturing them, using my ipad (the one I use to write my reports here; in the dream the ipad camera was merged with my better camera). During a particularly picturesque part of the terrain, near a waterfall, the ipad was dropped on a radiator, which for some reason was next to the waterfall, and exposed to heat. Radiators are called "element" in Swedish. The ipad partly melted and the memory card may have been damaged. I was devastated about losing all those pictures that had captured the journey and did everything I could to restore it. The dukkha waw obvious. I woke up with the thought that it was all a dream, nothing to hold on to, and how absurd it was that I was clinging so fiercely to something that was merely a dream, a figment of imagination. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 4:35 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Last night I planned to start a new log and frame it very clearly with the following as the starting post:


Note to readers of this log: 
  • Please don't poke too much on what you think needs to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill sometimes. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. I tend to do most of the poking myself, and I know fairly well how much I can take and when poking is needed.
  • Sometimes I need to ”squeeze the ball” very stubbornly and hard before I’m ready to let go of something. Please don’t engage me in a tug of war about that, if you notice resistance, for the above reasons. I’m not kidding - my chakras hurt. Painkillers don’t work. It’s a symbolic language for processing stuff that keeps shouting until I have cleared something up, and that has real physical consequences if taken too far. 
  • Gentle pointers, from genuine compassion, are highly appreciated.
  • Information is highly appreciated.
  • Sharing of relevant personal experiences is highly appreciated.
  • Sharing of tips and tricks and hacks is highly appreciated.

As I woke up this morning and was about to report on those dharma-related dreams, I decided to put that new beginning off, as it felt like this could be a very temporary view solidified by the culmination of some ongoing process. Who knows if this even feels true tomorrow? I seem to be almost ridiculously sensitive to symbolic associations right now, which makes me think that unconscious processing is driving this whole thing. I just walked into the shower feeling rigid and solid in my body, and the contact with the flowing water made my body feel fluid. The stiffness was gone, just like that. Then there was magickal thinking: "Water element! Can it be that easy? I have cut down on showers lately, after all. Maybe daily showers will take away the pain?!" Jeeze! Well, placebo works. It works like magick... Laughing is okay. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 7:03 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Around lunchtime I continued my practice in the Tibetan Bön lineage: nine breathings of purification, stillness, dedication, and guru yoga. I'm really taking a liking to this. My take on the lineage system, apart from it being some sort of relative quality assurance, is that it is the opposite to person cult. That includes the guru yoga whereby one prays to the root lama (which is dead, by the way, and not profiting from any of it). It is symbolic and I can feel kinesthetically that it softens the hooks of me and mine. I felt this particularly with regard to the hooks of how I express myself. Through the guru yoga I receive the blessings of speech from Master Taperitsa. Thus the speech isn't mine. Even the more primitive subconscious processes can understand that simple logic. It is their language. I felt the relief of it. That ticking sound from the energy channels clearing, or from the paranasal cavities opening up, appeared.

I think I'm at risk of being one of those stereotypical practicioners who go on and on about rigpa. I get what it is. I have resisted using that term for quite some time now, but yeah... rigpa is the shit. Gotta admit it. 

Going through old logs I see how the process spirals. I no longer feel stuck, and I can't even find places where I have actually been stuck. The development was there the whole time. It seems like over and over again I discover things anew that I knew all along, but it all falls into place. The overall picture becomes clearer. Obscurations dissipate. 

I can see now that since what may or may not have been second path moment, I have gone through a similar development as I did between SE and that moment. Relishing in the stronger concentration while I could. Despairing about loss of both concentration and clarity. Finding ways to get around that, involving discipline, purification, and a softer touch from another angle, and then combining all resources to power up the investigation. I have been on a track the whole time without having much of a clue about what I was doing. 

Hey, I can visualize. Who would have thought that? It isn't even hard. I'm making it simple. Taperitsa is basically made of light, so he can be blurry, that's allright, especially since he is in a rainbow circle. I mean, rainbows appear when sun shines through mist, and he is in the midst of all that. Whatever parts are hard to imagine can just be shrouded in mist. Perfect! That's a reason to appreciate Taperitsa right there. And much of the stuff that happens in the guru yoga, as well as in the nine breathings of purification, are things that I already felt kinesthetically. Now suddenly I have symbolic meaning to connect to them, and that helps in getting all subconscious processes on board. There were a few aha moments there. One reason that I felt the pain wash away with the shower today may have been that the guru yoga involves a sequence of a purifying shower. 

The construct of how to work with the breath with regard to energy in the nine breathings of purification suits me much better than most takes on it that I have heard before. At yoga classes we are often told to imagine breathing in energy to the whole body at the inbreath, but I have always felt that the energy reaches its intended destination at the outbreath. In this exercise the outbreath in the last three breathings (through both nostrils) centers the energy in the central channel and brings it to the crown chakra and then out through it. That's more like it. That's what I'm feeling. And I can both smell and taste the greed, desire and attachment as I breath it out in the second round when I breathe in from the right nostril and out through the left nostril, clearing the left energy channel. It is very tangible for me. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 2:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Concentration has increased. I lay down to practice, because that makes it easier to just drop everything. Thoughts dropped themselves. After dropping down from second jhana (some mix betwen vipassana jhana and shamatha jhana?), there was a period of dullness that may have been related to some lingering idea that clarity has to do with the tug of the senses which prevented awareness from manifesting as clear as it is. Somehow that delusion was dropped (well, temporarily, I suspect). Clarity arose, not the agitated kind, but the still kind. There was some movement back and forth between third vipassana jhana and third shamatha jhana. I realized that I recognize that movement but I haven't understood it for what it is before. There was sort of a dance in slow motion when the tearing movements of third vipassana jhana came to stillness. Then it didn't seem like those two versions of third jhana are so different anymore. It was just that the vibrations had transformed from kinesthetical to loud nada sound and a relative brightness (still weak) at such a high frequency that they were more energy than form, or something like that. I could feel that my attachment to the kinesthetic massage was loosening. However, the two versions were both heavy and dense and still not fully clear. I noticed a craving for fourth jhana - the vipassana version or the shamatha version - to arise. I wanted chrystal clear visuals or pure brightness. I noticed how that was keeping me from fully exploring the hooks of third jhana. That's something to work on. After spending quite some time with this, neck pain gradually cut its way through the dissipating jhana. It dawned on me that it can actually be a good thing to get up and let the body move around. Sometimes pain isn't more complicated than that. The unconscious has stopped screaming and my body seems to function more normally. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:27 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hypothesis: I can't get into jhanas with ADHD medication. It really seems like it, as I tend to get into jhanas at night when the medicine is out of the system. That says something interesting about concentration. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:37 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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That wider vision is back again. It is even wider than 180 degrees. That is the fourth screen at play (dream vision). Time to go for fruitions. I knew it was coming up.

I came to think of something with regard to attention and awareness. As a child and growing up, I knew how to get around my attention deficit (I had no diagnosis at the time). I knew that if I tried to keep count of something, I would loose it. Awareness kept track, though. I used that together with my Tourette-related symmetry obsession and my ability to see meta-levels - and vedana. I had a system for counting retrospectively. It was based on metalevels of fours. 4 felt good. It was symmetric. 16 felt good too, because it was four fours. 64 felt good because it was four sixteens. Awareness kept track of that, and it kept track of what was needed to get that pleasant vedana again. This came in very handy when I was playing the flute in an orchestra. We were two people playing the flute and we often had long pauses. Those pauses were often based on fours as well, and even on fours of fours. The older man that played second flute used to whisper amazingly funny stories during our pauses. I could listen to them with my attention while awareness kept track on where we were. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:46 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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What is weird is that I can see a hare running into my visual field from behind when it is more than 180 degrees from where my gaze is directed. How did I know to dream up a hare that would actually be there for "real"? 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:50 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Experiment: I will try microdosing my ADHD medication, just enough to make it easier to remember not to engage with irrelevant stuff but not enough to boost attention to manifest as a doer. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 2:50 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Experiment: I will try microdosing my ADHD medication, just enough to make it easier to remember not to engage with irrelevant stuff but not enough to boost attention to manifest as a doer. 

So far, not helpful. I wonder if attention (to be distinguished from awareness) is the same thing as the doer. If so, any dose would be too much. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/12/20 4:14 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I missed the window due to grasping. Can't say I'm surprised. 

Back to unclenching. Had new experiences of that. Hard to explain. I was stretching the fascia around the heart chakra while meditating in a reclining position. It hurt, but as I relaxed into it, something burst into vibrations in a new way. That happened a few times. Maybe my synesthetic processing was just triggered by thinking about that shrimp earlier, the kind that can turn vibrations into sound that turns into light. The best way I can describe it is that it was like chains of bubbles bursting in water, creating light. Like I was under water and the bubbles were moving upwards before bursting.

Gosh, this must sound like jumbo mumbo jumbo. 

Visuals patterns are accessible, not the chrystal clear kind. 

It is possible that I'm back in dissolution again. Hard to tell, as I don't experience it as the brain fog I was used to anymore. The tells are changing. I think I may be in the phase of the path when I'm cycling the darknight over and over again in a spiralling way, with more and more concentration. 

There's that rhythmical ticking from the paranasal cavities again. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/12/20 6:28 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Yup, back to lucid dreamless sleep in the afternoon. That's dissolution now, I think. 

Before that, I did my Bön lineage practice, and it was no longer easy to visualize.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/14/20 3:45 PM
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Practice right now is dissolutiony dreamy and out of phase and with lots of sleepiness. I actually slept until mid afternoon today. There might be a histamine reaction involved. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/20 6:22 AM
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This night and morning I remember waking up with memories of awareness of the breath and of the body (position of jaw and tounge) and of music in the background of my mind, for instance the sa le ö mantra. I think I may have even had that awareness at the same time as being engaged in non-lucid dreaming, but I'm not sure whether that is possible so maybe I'm just mixing it up. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/20 2:35 PM
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I did something wreckless and irresponsible today. I listened to Michael Taft's guided meditation on death while shopping for groceries. I would not recommend doing that. I have pretty strong defences, but my body reacted to it with rapid heartbeat, shakiness and nausea. That soft kind voice does get under one's skin, and the worst case scenario he would have one imagine was pretty brutal. Also, there were quite a few empty shelves in the store since people have been stocking up on food and other supplies due to the virus outbreak, and it fitted the story quite well. It was the first time I felt fear due to the virus. My mum is panicking about it so it hasn't been much room for me to worry. I still didn't feel emotionally afraid. It was embodied, physical. It lingered a while afterwards. The sound of silence was roaring. After I had taken care of my groceries, I lay down to meditate in my bed, to kinesthetically tune into the samsaric mud that had been stirred up. The boundaries of my body fell away almost immediately. I dealt with it nonconceptually. I think it may have been an hour and a half or something like that. I know that there was awareness and I know that processing was going on but I can't put it into words. There were no words there. That must have been that primordial awareness that some dharma teachers talk about. It was good. It felt healing. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/20 8:24 AM
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Fear appeared in a session of basic Bön tradition practice - nine breathings of purification, guru yoga (Taperitsa), practice of the three doors and three refuges, and dedication. In breathing out attachment, I smelled the fear. It's a rank smell. It's how people smell when they are afraid.  If you can't smell that, maybe you are familar with how fear makes a cat smell? That's a stronger version of the same thing. Already in the chanting I could feel the fear gripping my body. My voice and my breath lacked anchoring. In receiving the blessings from Taperitsa, it got worse. I could feel that my whole chest was contracting, which made it hard to breathe. After the Bön session, I layed down in my bed to tune into this. Thoughts and feelings popped up, related to failures in life. The thoughts and feelings were accompanied by contractions of the body. I could see how grabbing onto these thoughts and feelings caused suffering and did nothing good, so I tried to allow myself to let go. I let go of the contractions, over and over again. There was a development from fear through misery to disgust. I could sense that rank smell in my breath. I still haven't completely let go. I think I believe that I don't deserve it. That I that is a mere construction holds on to the suffering to punish itself. That's fucked up. 

About one hour and a half in total.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/20 4:05 PM
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After one yoga class and one pranayama class, I feel centered and calm and actually pretty blissful. Not sure how that happened. That space of awareness recognizing itself was accessible to dwell in. The brahmari (bumble bee sound exercise) was full of clear overtones. The paranasal cavities cracked open. The capalabathi (unsure of the spelling; fire breathing) resulted in a centered crowd of bright light dots, slowly swaying, rather than restless bubbles all over the place. Now the sound of silence is loud, in a peaceful way. Like silence out in the nature, full both of space and of other elements. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/17/20 9:54 AM
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Did 80 minutes of reclining meditation while waiting for my laundry. The sound of silence was roaring and the sound of my pulse was roaring too, while going about my daily business, so it felt like meditation was needed. There was some unclenching going on, which I think is my subconscious letting go of stuff since I tend to somaticize. There was a period of dullness and then a period of restlessness (after an hour had gone by), but my focus isn't as bad as it feels subjectively. I tested counting my breath, forwards and backwards. I have no problem doing that whatsoever. The problem is that I can do it and still think about stuff, or still get dreamy, without losing count, so it doesn't help. I experimented with it and found that silently chanting the sa le ö mantra in Tibetan (a a kar sa le ö a yang om du) while counting the breath keeps me busy enough if needed. 

I'm getting restless about my practice again. Maybe it's a desire for deliverance nana thing. It could very well be. I'll try to be patient, and note the restlessness. At least I don't have pain now. 

The sa le ö mantra seems to have planted itself in my brain. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/18/20 5:37 PM
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After a rather low day, I had two hours and a half of great yoga practice, first Ashtanga yoga and then a slow vinyasa mixed with Kundalini yoga. My body was surpringly compliant. The ujjayi breath runs smoothly again, and that makes the asanas so much easier. Still I could sense a subtle resistance against the new openness. Parts of the mind were unwilling to relax and let go of control in the rest at the end of the sessions. It wasn't racing, just alert in the beta wave way. I did take the last of my ADHD medication a little too late in the afternoon, so that may have contributed, but I don't think it was the only reason. The doer fights back. It is scared. Weird that a construction can think that it has feelings. Anyway, I feel much more relaxed now. I look forward to dissolving everything into light in accordance with clear light sleep practice as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. I found an entire playlist with his teachings on clear light sleep. So far, the exercises fit very well into the practice I'm already doing. It feels like it is all falling into place. I have already been doing some of it intuitively. The other day I almost followed the instructions point by point although I hadn't yet heard them. Even the collecting of all light into a single sphere happened, although it was more a spherical flock of lights. That was in the afternoon, not before going to bed in the evening. Still, it led to lucid dreamless sleep, so I already know that this works. I don't expect clear light sleep during the night to happen instantly, of course, but the development in that direction has already started. I think of this as a lifelong practice, from now on. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 12:15 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Well, I can't say that there was any clear light sleep, but I woke up well rested much earlier than for a long time and without the performance anxiety that so often makes me procrastinate getting started with work (I consider this a miracle - the relief is undescribable). In the dream I can remember, I helped to solve a conflict in a constructive way and without getting wired up emotionally. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 6:45 PM
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Awareness has been strong throughout the day, with few brief lapses into the default mode network or whatever is the right name for the monkey mind. Rigpa has been there, if that is an appropriate term for it at a stage where it still comes in glimpses, brief ones and longer ones. Awareness recognized itself to a larger extent than usually, that is, more often and for longer periods.

At six pm (or slightly later due to a phone call and some technical difficulties) I joined a live broadcast with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. Weirdly, it felt like he was looking right at me, seeing me, although it was just a one-way broadcast. I got chills all over me and around me and felt this great pressence, connection, and like things were happening inside my head. At one point I noticed visuals organizing themselves into a recognizable image after blinking. The image wasn't immediately there but had to be created. 

I did a formal sitting with nine breathings of purification, guru yoga with chanting and visualization, three doors practice, and dedication (chanting in Tibetan and reciting in English).

Then I did reclining meditation for about 2 h 15 min: I let awareness be there in all sense gates in the moment. It was incredibly rich. Subtle tensions and subtle mental contractions autoliberated in the awareness. One of my cats lay next to me, so I sort of scanned his body too, probably as an extrapolation based on what I could sense, but it felt as rich and immediate as if it were my own body, and the immediacy and texture were there in their own right (equanimity of formations). Then there was light, or brightness. There was being in that light, or being that light. Nothing but that very clear presence. That must be that pristine awareness that people are talking about. I dwelled there. I popped out of it a few times, like on the threshold of it, where discursive thoughts were available, but was soon immersed in the brightness again. I don't know if there was really visual brightness. I don't think that there were separate senses. It was absolute clarity but minimal distinction. It was close to but not entirely timeless. Then there was something. There was some switch. There was some confusion about which part of it all was me. Then there was sleep paralysis. A cat was scratching at the patio door, sort of earth calling, wanted to get inside. I didn't know what parts of it all to mobilize to manifest as someone with body and assumed agency. There was the knowledge that moving a finger or toes would help to snap out of it, but fingers and toes were nowhere to find. Finally there was blinking. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 8:03 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Cool!   You can get back there more easily by being expanded, rather than contracted.  Just move awareness out into the field, and then let the clarity and brigthness mature over a few seconds.

emoticon.  Or should I say emoticon (The dharma's so bright, I have to wear shades).

Malcolm
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:05 AM
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That's basically what all teachings I have listened to lately say, in different wordings. I triangulate the pointing. 

Oh... wow... in writing this, and in tuning into where the pointing points, there was sort of a flip. I think awareness maybe moved behind me. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 7:00 AM
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curious:
Cool!   You can get back there more easily by being expanded, rather than contracted.  Just move awareness out into the field, and then let the clarity and brigthness mature over a few seconds.

emoticon.  Or should I say emoticon (The dharma's so bright, I have to wear shades).

Malcolm

You know, when I try to describe such experiences, there is always someone who insists that this is just poor sensory clarity. That's not really the case, though, right? I mean, of course I don't think that the sense organs capture it like that, but the mind is a sense too and the mind sensations exist in their own right. Also, I'm not so sure that the sense organ - individual brain processing model is very accurate. It's seems more like how Newton's model is helpful for a narrow scale of occurrings which happen to correspond with people's daily experience whereas it is dead wrong outside that scale. Phenomenologically, it seems to me like information waves (no discrete units of information exist) on various levels just hover around and interact with each other, spreading like waves on water without being the water (I took that analogy from terry, who said it about ideas vs words). It's just that people normally restrict their access to what they think of as something corresponding to the water within a limited space. The water analogy fits very well here, because just like the water molecules within a specific cubicle of a sea do not stay still there but intermingle with the rest of the sea, with the air, with the earth, and with the organisms living in those elements, this is also the case with the molecules of our bodies, including the brain. And yet the waves are even more transcendent. 

That would explain why we can sometimes know things that we otherwise couldn't possibly know. Like when I see stuff that physiologically just must be outside the scope of my visual field, stuff that then enters the "real" visual field with the same characteristics as I had already seen. It's not like I could hear a color, even if I hadn't been listening to a dharma talk in my headphones. Or like the time I dreamt the continuation of the dream that my husband at the time was dreaming next to me. I could give many examples. 

Still, when I see advice from you, to me or to someone else, about moving awareness to a field outside the body, a frustrated thought pattern pops up questioning how I should be able to do that. I think the answer to that is that I can't do it. The trick is to transcend the I and just let awareness be awareness. And awareness doesn't do it. Awareness is it. Or becomes it and passes away every given moment. 
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:13 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Still, when I see advice from you, to me or to someone else, about moving awareness to a field outside the body, a frustrated thought pattern pops up questioning how I should be able to do that. I think the answer to that is that I can't do it. The trick is to transcend the I and just let awareness be awareness. And awareness doesn't do it. Awareness is it. Or becomes it and passes away every given moment. 

I think I get what you're saying with that whole post. The sense organs have very little to do with it. It's a story you learned in kindergarten (do they have kindergarten in Sweden?)

Something I have found interesting is:

1. push the awareness somewhere where it seems like it can't go
2. feel the frustration of that
3. stay there until the mind starts to reinterpret the sensations as something other than frustration

I believe I wrote in my practice log, perhaps in October or November, about a time when I was walking in the woods. I heard some people coming up behind me, and I felt my awareness go back behind my head as I imagined what they looked like. But then, I realized I didn't need to actually "go back" there at all, since I was still aware of the people even while staring straight in front of me. I then felt the awareness split in two, and it was a huge relief, and I think a turning point. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:25 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Ah. That makes sense. A lot of sense. I remember reading that, but at the time, I could only see the simplest level of that and couldn't understand what was the great relevation in that, but now I do. Of cource. *headpalm* And of cource awareness has been there the whole time. On some level, of course I also knew that. I mean, after all, "I" am aware of "my" surroundings. I just couldn't grasp what that meant, because I still identified too much with me and mine. Really - headpalm!!! 

Yes, we have kindergarten here too, and learning about the senses and sense organs is huge at that age here to. What's up with that?! 
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:41 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Ah. That makes sense. A lot of sense. I remember reading that, but at the time, I could only see the simplest level of that and couldn't understand what was the great relevation in that, but now I do. Of cource. *headpalm* And of cource awareness has been there the whole time. On some level, of course I also knew that. I mean, after all, "I" am aware of "my" surroundings. I just couldn't grasp what that meant, because I still identified too much with me and mine. Really - headpalm!!! 

This particular thing has been the most interesting part of the path for me, because it's somehow exactly where things start to get...really weird, I guess. There's no way to talk about it with normal people, because our language and habitual ways of thinking just don't allow it.

I love practicing looking at objects that I have no way of physically seeing. Trees off in the distance...the intricacy of their thousands of leaves and branches...birds way up in the sky that appear as mere specks...people in the past or future...things behind me...closing my eyes and seeing the room I'm in...people in the cars that speed past me on the road...my body seen from the outside. Also, sounds that I am not currently hearing. It's really fascinating and revealing to investigate the sensations that show up around these things. You can do it all day long, as you go about your normal business, too.


Yes, we have kindergarten here too, and learning about the senses and sense organs is huge at that age here to. What's up with that?! 


Don't get me started on all the problems with education...
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:07 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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That's very true. It really sounds like "crazy talk". Thanks goodness for weird people; I know a lot of those (and consider myself one).

I have my own version of that, which is kinesthetically feeling what I can't physically feel. I have loved that from the start. It makes me feel so very alive, even when what I feel is from the perspective of a car. 

---

Second facepalm for the day: I just realized that the flowy sensations that I tend to feel (and see and hear) certain times of the day do not mean that clarity is at peak. It means that the elements are dissolving in my body because it wants to go asleep. No wonder that I have developed the tendency to get into lucid dreamless sleep in the afternoons on a regular basis, haha! Paying attention to the elements as they dissolve is part of the practices in preparation for clear light sleep, and I have been doing this the whole time. No surprise that I would fall asleep doing it, and no surprise that I would develop lucidity. I just had no idea that what I was paying so close attention to was the process of falling asleep. I just thought it was something fascinating. 

I just spent a couple of hours or more doing this again. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:16 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hm... Maybe I still have chronic fatigue, then? Maybe I'm just approaching it as something fascinating now? That's... weird. And pretty constructive, I'll say, because this way I feel healthy. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 2:14 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Now that you have clearly seen the trees, it is time to look at the forest - in fact look at the whole biosphere and hydrosphere and lithosphere.  The fact that you no longer see the individual trees when you look at the forest is not a lack of clarity. 

And yes moving your awareness somewhere else is just an exercise, it's not a description of a final desired state. The awareness is already in every object. In fact, all objects are none other than awareness. Your (our) delusions just stop us seeing that.  The exercises are designed to erode that illusion of a clinging centre, not to have a different centre, but to have no centre.

Moving the centre around is just a step along the way.

Scary?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 2:44 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I suppose that there must be some fear there since I'm not there yet, but I don't feel scared. I love it. I'm thrilled by the prospect of being centerless. I long for it. I think I have been longing for it basically throughout my life - except from when I was centerless as a child, merging with stuff like snow chrystals and forgetting about everything else. I guess I could say that I feel like it is time to finally get to go home, but home has never had that kind of longing associated with it for me. 

I really don't want a center. It may be that I err on the other side. The thought of having to bear with this assumed center continuously, that is scary. Hey, I have even wanted to join the Borg collective just to get rid of the center. I have wanted to throw up my self so many times (not to the point of actually throwing up, though, because this center can be almost ridiculously constructive in the midst of not wanting to be). Now that I know that there is a way, I don't feel so desperate anymore. It is a great relief. 

Now I just want to pump you on information about how to get there as soon as possible, but I guess it doesn't work that way. emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/21/20 4:27 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Crossposting for the sake of keeping track:


[…] parts of me seem to enjoy the feeling of reobservation and don't want to let go of it. They enjoy the intensity of it and the mindracing and find the agitated energy motivating. They enjoy that things are happening. 

Some of them enjoy being torn apart and long for the annihilation. Others enjoy that the illusion of a self is at a peak because it makes them feel in control and on top of the world. Paradoxically, both those very different attachments lead to clinging to the nana. That is due to misconceptions about what the annihilation is in the first case, focusing on the destruction rather than the liberation. In the second case, it is of cource due to a misconception about the possibility of being in control and of being something continuous and separate. The first case shares that latter misconception as well, which is why it thinks that there is something there that needs to be annihilated or even "punished" for the sake of purification, and so it goes all in as if it were in some kind of BDSM relationship with "the Process" as its master. Thus, indirectly, since both these rather opposite reaction patterns become allies in clinging to the polarization of reobservation, it seems like the "master" in that relationship is really the deluded ego that enjoys being on top of the world, and so it becomes something self-absorbed and ludicrous and self-perpetuating. I'm in the process of letting go of this.



This isn't specific for today, more like a more long-term tendency. Today, so far, I feel peaceful and content with things being peaceful.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/22/20 3:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Yesterday I went out in the nature (where I live we are not all isolated due to the covid 19) and made an elements practice with mantras while connecting to the elements, together with the usual Ligmincha practice.

Today I have observed the process of falling asleep and stayed lucid. I have a job deadline so I haven't had time to practice as much as I would want. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/23/20 4:02 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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It seems like I'm currently going through a rewriting of my biographical history. I grew up in a rather dysfunctional family. There was love, but also open wounds that had less skillful outlets. Eventually my dad took his own life. I thought I had made peace with all of that many years ago. Now I have found that there is more peace available, as I'm reliving happy childhood memories that had been clouded, tainted by the anxiety and pain that were also there. Refuges of safety and happiness, space to just be, so much love, so much wisdom hiding in plain sight. That cliché that it's never to late to have a happy childhood, it's actually true. I'm also remembering good people that I have met throughout my life, some of which may even have been awakened just by being who they were, fully and without reservation, in the midst of what could have been suffering, would have been for most people, but for some reason wasn't. My grandmother was like that. I never understood it, as I grew older and more restless, how she could be happy with that life. It had so many ingredients for tragedy, and so few for the opposite. Now I understand perfectly. She didn't need more. All she needed was to be helpful, and she was. They adored her at the hospital where she died from cancer. She was happy and grateful and caring and funny til the end. There was a librarian like that too, at the local library where I practically lived as a child. As a teenager I had a practical working experience week or two there from school together with a friend. We both felt that the librarian was so kind that it was contagious. We could barely recognize ourselves at home in the evenings, and we found that both scary and cool at the same time. That's how Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche's teachings feel like. Like that and like sitting in my grandmother's kitchen together with her, doing absolutely nothing and being perfectly content with that (which I was as a small child). Feeling the peace in the stillness and in the silence.

I knew that it was somehow familiar, haha. Of course, my grandmother's words of wisdom were less poetic and more mundanely oriented... like "You have to fart, otherwise your tummy will hurt"... but there's some wisdom in that pragmatic acceptance that shouldn't be underestimated. emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/23/20 4:20 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Weirdly enough, this is accompanied by pain in the heart chakra again as if it somehow hurts to open up for the good memories. It's mild pain, though, and it feels like it's going in the right direction. 

---

I have gradually stopped being super-annoyed with my mum's rants on the phone, so something must be right in my practice. It has changed from totally freaking out to not being even slightly irritated, just a bit restless at worst. 
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/24/20 12:06 PM
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It's kind of amazing, isn't it, that are the dharma settles in and ignorance reduces, we find these deeply embedded levels of emotion that are subtly driving all sort of things. And we had no idea.  

Much compassion and love

Malcolm
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:06 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I agree. And much compassion and love to you too.

Yesterday I was inspired by Spatial's thread, about Jhanas and the sense of self, to do some experimenting. As I wrote there, I realized that it's time to "let go of letting go" and let contractions build up where they seem to want to build up, like I used to do and which used to take me into jhanas. I just never realized the part that the contractions had in it, apart from the vipassana jhana three parts where parts of the body seems to be torn to different directions. I realized quite some time ago that attention is what drives that. But "everybody" talks about the importance of letting go in order to enter the jhanas, so I had no idea that letting go could be what keeps me from accessing them. Of course it does, though, now that I think about it, because that means that I stop holding on the intention that drives the jhana. That intention is what manifests as a contraction. How could I not see that? Anyway, realizing that seems promising. I hope I'm not too optimistic. Unfortunately, shamatha may be tricky for a while, at least if I am to use the breath, because I have a runny nose and swollen ear canals. Whether it's allergies or a cold or the covid 19, I don't know. Anyway, two therapy singing bowls arrived on the mail today, finally. The sound is magnificently round and nuanced. I'm so looking forward to playing with that, so I will be busy. 
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Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:10 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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... because that means that I stop holding on the intention that drives the jhana. That intention is what manifests as a contraction. How could I not see that?

Contracting is what human minds do. We are blind to it much of the time. That's why placing attention on the mind's process is so valuable. Also, hang on to your comment about intention being your obstacle. File it away somewhere for future reference. That same thing will crop up again and again, and finally in a very big way.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:28 AM
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Thanks! Will do. The thing is, I so often read and hear about the problem being what sounded like the opposite, that one wants it too much. I probably listened too much to that, and listened in a way that was based on misunderstanding. There is still definitely a need for that which is the embryo for something's coming into being, which probably is what an intention really is (depending on how one uses words, of course; I'm referring to that thing that is needed and that Daniel calls intention). That's not quite the same thing as what people often refer to as intention, though, is it? It's not wanting something as much as manifesting it, which involves trust rather than hope. Right? And probably not any actual initiative, but more like letting manifestation take place without resistance. And all of this is of course still clouded for me by delusion, so I may just be rambling.

Thanks for the pointer! I appreciate it a lot. 
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Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:45 AM
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I might have one better to call this thing not "intention" but seeking. Wanting.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 9:17 AM
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If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 9:42 AM
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The problem with being a very intuition-led practicioner, in combination with being rather unsystematic, is that when things work, I don't always know what it is that works, and so I risk stop doing that thing that was working. Sooner or later, that shows, though. It is a bit back and forth, but that's okay (it will have to be). At least it generates questions for investigation. I like solving the mystery. Also, having glimpses of stuff early on thanks to some intuitive drive at least demonstrates that things are possible. It make take a while to replicate it, and that can be frustrating at times, but there can be no hesitation that it can be done. Well, sometimes I do wonder if I imagined all of it, but that doesn't last very long. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 10:47 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

Or maybe I misunderstood you now, Chris...? Anyway, I'll try to stay open to any possible interpretation and find out empirically.
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Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 10:50 AM
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I think you have it right.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 5:43 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Good to know. Thanks!

---

In the midst of a cold or allergies or possibly a very very mild version of the covid 19, the dharma is a true blessing. Everytime I come across a good pointer, the respiratory tracts open up and suddenly breathing is very easy. Luckily I have bought myself a bunch of new dharma books and there are even more online resources available - live ones in abundance - and helpful conversations are going on on this forum. I recline on my bed with one singing bowl on my pelvis and one on my chest while reading about the warrior seed syllables (sound healing), holding the book with one hand and the mallet with the other one. The vibrations from the bowls work too. If I balance the small bowl on my forehead, the vibrations spread through the paranasal cavities and it instantly stops my running nose and takes away the swelling.

The book I'm reading says that the ground of completely pure and newborn being is the dharmakaya and that the seed syllable A can take you there. Well, what do you know, I had been doing that practice for a while when that happened. What tipped me over at the time was pointers for Dzogchen which did not involve any syllables, but those practices go together very well. It's good to get a sense of what combined powers lead to a result. The dharmakaya was possibly the most profound healing experience I have ever had, so I wouldn't mind having a window to it. I really wish the whole world could have the possibility of experiencing that. I can't imagine anyone going to war operating from that experience. It can probably be obscured again, though. Still, for everyone to have the experience, at least once in their life, of being totally pure, totally innocent, totally unfuckupable... I didn't merely feel forgiven. It was clear that there was nothing to forgive. Even if it wouldn't change anyone, just to have the experience once is a blessing in itself. I wish everyone could have that. To feel that they don't have to deserve anything, don't have to make up for anything, that they are truly and fully okay. Wow. Wouldn't that be amazing? 

I followed a live broadcast guided meditation today, with Jeff Warren. I felt the connection to others practicing in different parts of the world and still together. Very nice vibes. 

I have paid attention to subtle responses to stuff throughout the day. 

Generelly I feel great, apart from the fact that I still have a writer's block with regard to my work, but there are some very subtle fear responses that seem to come from relaxing. 
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Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 6:36 AM
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Jeff Warren is a good dude. I met him F2F a few times and the ol' Buddhist Geeks Conferences.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:49 AM
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Chris Marti:
Jeff Warren is a good dude. I met him F2F a few times and the ol' Buddhist Geeks Conferences.


Cool. Yeah, I like him. I have talked to him on zoom during an online retreat. 
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:33 AM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

I really wish people wouldn't talk that way. It's such a distraction. Maybe it's right for some people...I don't know.

Then again, maybe I should thank them for the anger that's arising right now.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:50 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I really listened too much to all those who said that wanting and grabbing onto would prevent one from getting there. 

I really wish people wouldn't talk that way. It's such a distraction. Maybe it's right for some people...I don't know.

Then again, maybe I should thank them for the anger that's arising right now.
Thanks, I agree.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 12:07 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I was doing some work that I have been procrastinating for a long time and I felt anxiety building up. Instead of fleeing into some other activity, away from the anxiety, I decided to work with the anxiety in the practice of Warrior seed syllables A, OM and HUNG and then get back to work. A and OM felt good, but with some subtle fear response. HUNG (heart chakra) opened up more anxiety so that I could really feel it. It didn't kill me. Then I got back to work.

Later it it really felt like meditation needed to happen, and so I lay down to give shamatha a go. I even tried to really hang on tight and hold my breath while contracting some point in front on me, inspired by Spatial's thread, and sure, that worked. However, I hardly recognized piti as piti. Once again, it felt like freezing. I actually thought I was freezing but decided to just relax and go with it. That's when I noticed that it was piti. I was surprised. As absorption happened, the focus very soon tilted from its focus into focusing on being aware of focusing (I think I remember this from Spatial's log too). That made everything turn bright and feel spacious and light and free, and it snapped me out of jhana. It happened every time I managed to get back into first jhana. I don't remember how many times it was. Three? Four? The last time, I felt that I really didn't want to get back into jhana again. I was done.

Somewhere in the beginning of the session, I believe, there were a couple of instances of sudden noicy blips that came out of nowhere. I think it may have been after the first shift of focus to attention itself, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure what kind of blips they were either. The sound seemed to be somewhere inbetween that very distinct sound of common back and the more vague sound that seems to be a shift between different states. 

The anxiety seems to be gone for now. I'll try to get some work done. 
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 9:02 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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My honest opinion is that there's no way to go seriously wrong when it comes to this. I suspect that meditation has somehow permanently broken my brain (and yours as well) to the point where it's impossible to get stuck on one track for too long. 

Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
 As absorption happened, the focus very soon tilted from its focus into focusing on being aware of focusing (I think I remember this from Spatial's log too).


My guess is that some people out there could meditate for 20 years straight without this ever happening to them. 

I think "do nothing" is a good practice, but for the purpose of counteracting dark night, not counteracting excess efforting.

But I think there's also some kind of language issue. I'm listening to Michael Taft right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mkYlus3ZLY

He starts talking about effort and concentration at 45:42, and at 49:07, he says something interesting (which to me indicates some kind of miscommunication).
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 8:59 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 6:11 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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spatial:
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

Very true. Utterly fascinated. 
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 10:00 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
spatial:
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

Very true. Utterly fascinated. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQECU2VMjW4

Here, too, at 1:01:30, he starts saying "that could be aversion...but another one could be sort of tight grabbing onto that, surrendering into the grasping like hurts. And that's not aversion, that's wisdom...and so after you notice that a million times you'll just start going 'what if I just don't grab onto it?'"
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:05 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
spatial:
Because, as much as we complain about all the horrible sensations we experience, we are, at the end of the day, fascinated by them. Even if it's unbearable for a short while, we come right back for more. This is fundamentally different from someone who blocks out most sensations while meditating.

Very true. Utterly fascinated. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQECU2VMjW4

Here, too, at 1:01:30, he starts saying "that could be aversion...but another one could be sort of tight grabbing onto that, surrendering into the grasping like hurts. And that's not aversion, that's wisdom...and so after you notice that a million times you'll just start going 'what if I just don't grab onto it?'"
Yeah, but that's not shamatha, so that's different. And not grabbing onto something tightly isn't the same thing as blocking out. Or do you think so?
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:35 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Yeah, but that's not shamatha, so that's different. And not grabbing onto something tightly isn't the same thing as blocking out. Or do you think so?

I'm having a hard time understanding your question, but let me just try to explain more about why I posted that quote.

He seems to be saying that when you experience grabbing that's so tight that it hurts, it's not a sign that you're doing it wrong. Rather, it's a sign that you're doing it right, because you're finally noticing the pain of grabbing.

And, he seems to be saying that the way to let go of that is NOT to stop trying so hard. Instead, it's to keep grabbing on until after the millionth time, when you will automatically realize that you have the option of letting go.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 12:33 PM
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Ah, then I understand. And that makes my question irrelevant.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 6:10 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Language is a very tricky thing. Sure, this is part of what confused me, but at the same time, I still agree with it. The thing is, in periods when I get drawn into jhana, it doesn't feel like effort at all. It's like it's the easiest thing in the world. Just like Chris said, I just fell into it. Still, I also know that it has often taken me a period of building it up, and that involved effort, but a different kind of effort from what he describes. 

It is all too easy to go wrong from words. Then again, taking a "wrong" turn is also an opportunity for learning. And I really want to learn exactly what all those different mind states are, what leads to them, how they intersect with each other and how they differ from each other. 

I have sort of the embryo of a hypothesis. I'm starting to think that maybe there are different ways of reaching the formless realms. One is through the jhanic arc, which makes it a concentration practice, and one is the Mahayana way. I know that curious had the same hypothesis a while back and started a thread about it, and at that time I argued against it. I'm still very unsure of what I think. But the thing is, now I have experienced it both ways (well, at least some of it). And they were different, very different, and yet... not... Maybe it's the same realms but experienced from different lenses? I know that Michael Taft is very adamant that they are not jhanas, but realms, and that you don't need to go through the whole jhanic arc to get to them. Still, when he teaches Mahayana practice, he doesn't explicitly talk about the formless realms, so I don't know what he thinks about this hypothesis. 

Anyway, I'm thinking that the whole thing could be like that snake that bites its own tail. Concentration as a very tight grabbing focus will eventually lead to more and more of letting go, so maybe you could go either way. 

I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it. 
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spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 9:47 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it. 

I'll tell you that after a few days into a 10-day retreat, I start getting into states that are far deeper than what I experience off-retreat.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:03 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it. 

I'll tell you that after a few days into a 10-day retreat, I start getting into states that are far deeper than what I experience off-retreat.

Good to know!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 9:00 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I haven't really cultivated the habit of starting weekdays with meditation, because it often takes a while for me to wake up my brain (I blame ADHD for that), but on the other hand (also thanks to ADHD, or to ADHD medication), I can often find focus in the afternoon. Today I did 1 h 40 minutes of shamatha in the afternoon. I have found my way back into jhana. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but it seems that it is easier to just go right for it instead of trying to build up pleasant feelings with the breath. Somehow I know exactly where it is. It involves less piti from the beginning, but it starts with something that isn't entirely stable so I'm guessing that it's still first jhana. Then there's a tangible shift into something that holds itself, and that's second jhana. Then, instead of climbing the arc, or sinking into it, it evens out and gets dull or distracted. There probably wasn't enough intention to hold through. Maybe I do need to build up more piti and sukkha for it to go all the way. That's challenging because for some reason I'm somewhat disenchanted with it. On the other hand, I haven't done shamatha for a while, so difficulties are only to expect. It's not like I have superpowers. I need to build up momentum. Patience is a good thing, I hear. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 9:36 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Oh, I forgot - there were visuals. Images flashing by, and the sense of browsing among them. One image was a picture of an idyllic cottage with birch trees around it, sort of the archetypical Swedish image. I have no idea why that popped up. Totally unrelated to that, there was also some dreamlike scene or dreamy thought (?) that Avalokiteshvara or Chenrezig, the Lord of Compassion, and Jesus were the same. A quick internet search shows that the female form of Avalokiteshvara, Guan Yin (among many different spellings), was often depicted nursing a child and therefore in the west was associated with Mary and Jesus. 

I'm not going all religious here. Just fascinated by archetypes and how they resonate with the subconscious, and by what role they play in our creating the world. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 5:24 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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After listening to a dharma talk by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, I had planned to do the next guided meditation in the course (The true source of healing), but the three doors (again, to clarify: not the same ones as talked about in Theravadan practice, but stillness of the body, silence of the speech and spaciousness of the mind) had already been established, and so I just let meditation happen on its own. There was openness, but now and then there would be a contraction that narrowed down focus to some content, and every time that happened, openness would snap back with a strong sense of presence that would brighten the whole field. 

And no, that is definitely not even remotely similar to the formless realm called boundless awareness. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 10:34 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Yesterday I had five and a half hours of live online teachings in Dzogchen by Lama Lena, which was really cool. My personal practice, on the other hand, was pretty clouded, maybe from sleep deprivement (the first session started at two o'clock in the morning). 

Today I have done a Tibetan Bön session with nine breathings of purification, guru yoga, three doors, and dedication. I have also done more of the three doors reclining, with poor results due to dullness. I have done two short sessions of yoga at home because my body is really missing it and starting to protest. Yet, I can't do much of it, because either the histamine reaction or the virus, or whatever it is that I'm having, takes its toll. After the last yoga session, I lay down to do some heart opening and some hip opening restorative positions. It was good, but it also stirred up some samsaric mud. Then I lay down to work with that. It was fear, misery and disgust showing up close to each other. It was easy to get into the vibrational level of it, but that felt unsatisfactory. I chanted the seed syllable AH a few times. I investigated the three characteristics. 

Then I did this guided shamatha meditation by Michael Taft: https://youtu.be/re7ZuK3frdQ. It helped me to find the way into a relatively stable first jhana. It reminded me of how I used to do before I even knew the difference between vipassana and shamatha, and it built up a very smooth and stable full-body piti, like the foam on a Guiness (can't drink those anymore due to gluten intolerance, but it was the analogy that came to my mind) combined with some of the sting of carbonated water. That old landmark "backward hands" appeared, which is really direct awareness combined with absorption, which makes it feel like subject and object sort of merge while still retaining enough dualism to be both at the same time (which is of course a construct). I remained in this state throughout most of the talk after the meditation as well, and then there was a nice afterglow. Coming out from it, I can still feel some lingering nausea from the disgust, but now I have had a nice reminder that the samsaric mud that it stirs up is made up by the same kinds of vibrations that can also be approached as piti. 

Soon it's time for another couple of hours of Dzogchen teachings.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 3:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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During the Dzogchen teaching I had another of those moments when space turns flat. It was vertical this time. It was during a pointing. We were asked to look at the screen through our spread fingers first and then look closely at a finger print and then back and forth between. Apparently that should be like the experience of seeing both tawa and our thoughts before we would be wired for a broader awareness. The thing is, when I looked at a finger print, the Lama was still just as clear (although there were two of her), and that very wide vision was there. All was clear. And suddenly it was all flat, and the Lama was as close to me as the finger. 
Olivier S, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 4:39 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
During the Dzogchen teaching I had another of those moments when space turns flat. It was vertical this time. It was during a pointing. We were asked to look at the screen through our spread fingers first and then look closely at a finger print and then back and forth between. Apparently that should be like the experience of seeing both tawa and our thoughts before we would be wired for a broader awareness. The thing is, when I looked at a finger print, the Lama was still just as clear (although there were two of her), and that very wide vision was there. All was clear. And suddenly it was all flat, and the Lama was as close to me as the finger. 
Hi Linda,

I can relate to a lot of things that are happening in your practice these days. In particular, I'm also regularly getting this thing where vision appears flat, though not always full-on - hell, it happened while I was peeing earlier : the pee jet had no depth. Lol. Sorry for the image ^^ But to me it makes things appear extremely beautiful and magical, pee too ; what, with the yellowness, the flickering light reflections/shadow play and what-not. haha

More seriously though, it feels like seeing space as just a mental construct from what is in fact just a gradient of bluriness...
In fact, I had a very strong non-conceptual experience last august, as you may recall from my journal, during a dzogchen oriented retreat, and I realized recently that one very characteristic aspect of this mode of visual perception was that everything was completely flat. It seems, as Stirling Campbell predicted, that these aspects are starting to infuse daily experience. Upon further reflection, I thought that this aspect of it could pretty aptly be described as emptiness of vision, though I don't know if this is correct. When it's flat, doesn't it feel totally full/totally empty ? This is, like, the double meaning of sunyata, according to Varela. 

I remember you mentioning about some popping in you head and para-nasal cavities, and this is something which is happening to me too. Actually it started while I was looking at my ficus tree (trees man !) : I was very focused on looking at a leaf and trying to see things that way, in that flat way, - which usually is made easier by determining, for me, to be extremely extremely calm/quiet, while being as lucid as possible -, and it made the surrounding visual field start to move around, and I felt like it was actually my breath being or being expressed in the vision, pretty nice - and that's when the nose popping started... Has this evolved into anything for you, or is it just springtime ?

Another thing I'm recognizing from you impressively dedicated reporting, is that you're starting to go back to somehow familiar territory, with a new perspective and lots of understandings, after a period of muddy stuff. In particular trying to get a grip on jhanas. Experiencing new kinds of tensions in the head (forehead for me) which paying attention to seems to be interesting... Reinterpreting old things, finding new avenues of practice, all this is also developing in my life. Maybe it's just coronavirus... haha

I don't know, nothing to say really, never mind this message, it just feels cool to notice path similarities, and as a meditation comrade I wanted to let you know about it. ^^

All the best yo tou

ps : May I ask what is tawa ?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 2:21 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hi Olivier!

Thanks for a very nice comment! It made me happy.

Don't worry, I found that image hillarious. I agree that the flatness illustrates how space is a construct and that it somehow is both empty and vivid at the same time. 

The nose popping still goes on. I believe it can be understood as clearing of energy channels. I suppose that will need to continue for quite some time.

Yes, I seem to have many muddy periods and they always feel longer than they actually are. When I look at my log reports in retrospect, the periods when I felt stuck in the mud turn out to be ridiculously short. Thus there are also many periods of rediscovering old territory with a new perspective. It seems to form a spiral pattern. 

I would love to go on a Dzogchen retreat. That seems awsome. Tawa is a Dzogchen term. It is mind-mind looking. Mind recognizing itself. That is, the "greater" mind. Awareness being self-aware. It's a glimpse of dharmatta (dharmakaya, samboghakaya and nirmanakaya). Hard to describe but I have a feeling you'll know what I'm talking about.

Very best wishes for your practice and wellbeing!
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 10:23 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tawa is a Dzogchen term. It is mind-mind looking. Mind recognizing itself. That is, the "greater" mind. Awareness being self-aware. It's a glimpse of dharmatta (dharmakaya, samboghakaya and nirmanakaya). Hard to describe but I have a feeling you'll know what I'm talking about.

Hi Linda (edit : this post for some strange reason was only posted now, but I wrote it a few days ago as a response to this earlier message, sorry about that !)

I'm extremely interested in the three kayas thing, but no, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. I've read many different explanations about this. I'd love to ask you some questions in the hope of clarifying some things :

In my understanding, nirmanakaya is conventional, relative reality, the dependently-originated world of things about which existence most humans agree upon. ?

Samboghakaya would be the "apparitional realm", somehow, I relate it with the "world of ideas", of visions (idea > eidos, it is, in greek, a past participle of the verb for "seeing"), the "in-between" world. ?

Dharmakaya, then, is it (1) the unmanifested ground of being, the great darkness, alaya (?), which i conceive of as what we become when in cessation, the beyond-consciousness, invisible, unfabricated, ie transcendance, what some other traditions (guess which) would call the Father, or (2) the aware aspect of that, "pure self-aware awareness", I believe they would call that alayavijñana in some schools, also non-manifest, exhibiting no appearances yet, "pre-worldly", but still essentially self-aware - what some call Ipseity, pathos, the will-to-life, in a way the possibility for manifestation to occur, essential transcendantal subjectivity, the Son, the first-born, or (3) self-aware appearances, not dependently-originated (in my understanding of DO anyways...), not observed by a consciousness, in a way the bringing back of those previous, transcendant/transcendantal things, into immanence, the overcoming of the duality between samsara-nirvana : the experience of an arahat, or the experience that an arahat is not, not is not, is not both, is not neither ? ;) ;)

Because saying that one can experience "the ground of being", which some also seem to equate with rigpa, is very confusing to me.

In any case, I thought that dharmakaya was only "accessible" to arahats, yet you are saying that you experience it ?  

What would you say is the difference between rigpa and tawa ? The connection between rigpa/tawa/dharmatta - and is dharmatta in any way relater with that dharmadattu thing ?

I don't expect definitive answers from you, obviously emoticon, but would love to hear your thoughts, long or short.

Metta
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 5:24 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Olivier:


I'm extremely interested in the three kayas thing, but no, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. I've read many different explanations about this. I'd love to ask you some questions in the hope of clarifying some things :

In my understanding, nirmanakaya is conventional, relative reality, the dependently-originated world of things about which existence most humans agree upon. ?

Samboghakaya would be the "apparitional realm", somehow, I relate it with the "world of ideas", of visions (idea > eidos, it is, in greek, a past participle of the verb for "seeing"), the "in-between" world. ?

Dharmakaya, then, is it (1) the unmanifested ground of being, the great darkness, alaya (?), which i conceive of as what we become when in cessation, the beyond-consciousness, invisible, unfabricated, ie transcendance, what some other traditions (guess which) would call the Father, or (2) the aware aspect of that, "pure self-aware awareness", I believe they would call that alayavijñana in some schools, also non-manifest, exhibiting no appearances yet, "pre-worldly", but still essentially self-aware - what some call Ipseity, pathos, the will-to-life, in a way the possibility for manifestation to occur, essential transcendantal subjectivity, the Son, the first-born, or (3) self-aware appearances, not dependently-originated (in my understanding of DO anyways...), not observed by a consciousness, in a way the bringing back of those previous, transcendant/transcendantal things, into immanence, the overcoming of the duality between samsara-nirvana : the experience of an arahat, or the experience that an arahat is not, not is not, is not both, is not neither ? ;) ;)

Because saying that one can experience "the ground of being", which some also seem to equate with rigpa, is very confusing to me.

In any case, I thought that dharmakaya was only "accessible" to arahats, yet you are saying that you experience it ?  

What would you say is the difference between rigpa and tawa ? The connection between rigpa/tawa/dharmatta - and is dharmatta in any way relater with that dharmadattu thing ?

I don't expect definitive answers from you, obviously emoticon, but would love to hear your thoughts, long or short.

Metta


Hi! First of all, I’m certainly no arahant, so whatever insights or experiences or nonexperiences that are reserved for them, I have certainly not had them. I wasn’t intentionally referring to anything that fancy. I think those words are used differently in different contexts, so it was probably risky business to use them, especially without being more specific, and also especially with my limited experience.

This is the context I was referring to: Lama Lena says that Tawa is Dharmakaya nature of mind, the wide open awareness that is not singularly focusing on one thing or another. The spaciousness that makes anything possible, I'd say. She also uses a term called Gompa which refers to including this awareness in thinking, so that...

Lama Lena in her teachings on facebook live yesterday:
…while you think your thoughts, you see Dharmakaya nature of mind in the arising of phenomena which is nirmanakaya nature of mind, and you are sambhogakaya nature of mind, the perceiver, the awareness, the vitality. This is the approach to tawa, describing it as three parts, but actually it’s a single thing - no-thing - where the awareness rests as infinite vaste openness in all its inherent vitality, also known as clear light nature. Shimmering with the sparkle of lively playful creativity. So this is the union of the three jewels as one, Dharmatta.


Thus I'm not talking about anything that goes beyond what can be experienced in daily life, eventually, as the insight settles. 

Also, of course there is a difference between seeing glimpses of it and being it. I just experience glimpses of it. There was one glimpse that stood out as the experience of actually being it, but it ended, so it's still not being it (except to the extent that we are all being it, even if we don't know it). But that's how it starts, as I understand it. I'm having glimpses more and more often, not only on the cushion, and I'm loving it. I'm in love with it, and that of course illustrates that there's still a long way to go (or to not go, or whatever, haha). 

The glimpses say to me that the movement of awareness in emptiness creates the phenomena, which is also how Lama Lena phrases it. Of course I cannot experience the absolute emptiness. As far as I know, there is no experience there. But I have sensed the playful dance that is the creation, and I'm gradually developing a connection to it. Very gradually. 

I believe that rigpa is when that connection has become strong. I'm not there yet. I used the concept the wrong way earlier in this log. 

Metta to you too!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 4:18 PM
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I did a reclining session of shamatha, now that I seemed to have reconnected with the feel for it. I climbed back and forth between first, second and third shamatha jhana, until hearing suddenly came back with a screeching sound. I'm guessing that my swollen ear canals make the shift between muffled hearing and normal hearing very un-smooth. Third jhana was somewhat difficult to reach. I had to go back to the threshold and incline myself there by connecting with satisfaction and growing equanimity. At times the one-pointed focus was shattered by a flash of spaciousness that saw through the altered state, and so I had to incline my way back in. Getting back in wasn't hard, though. The spaciousness isn't a different state, just the ground for any state, so it was like flipping to the other side of the coin and then back. Probably the same kind of ping pong feel that Lama Lena described with regard to tawa and thoughts, although here it was tawa and an altered state without discursive thoughts. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 2:38 PM
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So far I have been focusing on shamatha today. It seems that it is possible to turn mild nausea/anxiety (hard to distinguish for me) into jhana, as the impermanence of the suffering itself is piti. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 4:54 PM
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...and now I have also done formal sessions of Dzogchen. During the day I have done microhits.

There are two different live broadcasts coming up soon: Shinzen and Lama Lena. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/31/20 4:09 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Okay, so now I can feel clearly that jhanas are accessible again if there is a stable enough intention. Problem is that intentions are all over the place (did a shamatha session and popped in and out from jhana because apparently there were processes that felt like identifying very strongly with the spinning mind that was just waiting for a chance to spin ideas and that thought it was hillarious). Restless and easily distracted and mind-racey reobservation, here I come. Well, I've got to say that I prefer this to basically the rest of the dukkha nanas. The cockiness of reobservation helps me to overcome the overwhelm that my disasterous executive functioning brings during the earlier dukkha nanas. That overwhelm is no picnic - that I can assure you. Reobservation is an avarage Tuesday compared to that, at least for someone who is used to dealing with unmedicated ADHD which is basically chronic reobservation. However, this is getting pretty much "bought and wore out that f-ing T-shirt" even for me, so I intend not to get caught up in this. I had planned to stay up during the night to take part in a live webcast teaching, but I came to the conclusion that it would be a bad idea. I need to ground myself now. Get back into routines, get some decent sleep, connect with the spaciousness. So I'll try to just brush my teeth and then devote myself to calming and stabilizing Tibetan Bön practice until I doze off (plan B is earth kasina).

Note to (not)self: When you read this tomorrow, do NOT start the day with distractions. You know very well that it doesn't help to give you that energy. It won't work this time around either, I promise. You are allowed to watch Lama Lena's new video during breakfast and while emptying the dishwasher if you rise and shine really early, but NO netflix! There's a deadline! You are allowed to take meditation breaks (preferably out in the sun on the patio) or short yoga breaks but not to bail on the writing. This is your dream job, for cryin' out loud, and the book can possible contribute to a better world for people with dementia; at least that's the goal. You can do it. Or the universe can do it, if you stop resisting it. The book is already there. You just have to clean it up, repair it and set it to sail... or whatever. Come on - it will be fun!  And necessary for your practice too. Yeah, I know that this message annoys the hell out of you tomorrow morning, but you know I'm right. Right?* Also - check the "to do" list for the most important stuff that has already been procrastinated too long, and check the mail! Reobservation hyena out.

*) You may even find that if you follow this advice without too much aversion, you'll stop identifying with this annoying voice too. Wouldn't that be nice? So breath it out, and use the warrior seed syllables. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 12:56 AM
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Hey, it worked! I had a lucid dream! It was a really short one, but still. I used one of the tells I had written down as dream signs. My first two cats appeared in the dream. I managed to recognize one of them as dead. While introducing him to some stranger and while still petting him, I said "but this is echoes from the past. He's dead now." Then I had the impulse to produce a toilet because I really needed to pee, but luckily I realized straight away that it wouldn't solve anything. I knew I had to wake up my body to do something about it. I sighed and thought it was typical. Then I was about to test if I could do some ghost maneuver and move my hand through some object, but somebody else was already moving their arm through my arm to test it for me, because they instantly knew that I was dreaming when I said out loud that the cat I was petting was an echo from my past. So much for trying to convince "people" in the dream that it's just a dream. I was annoyed and asked them to move away so that "I" could test before I'd wake up. Haha, the other character knew that he was me too, but "I" didn't. Then the drive to find a toilet was too strong, and I found myself opening my eyes. The scenery had already changed to a bedroom because I knew I was close to waking up, and the other character was in the bed next to me and was no longer a stranger but felt familiar. It may have been the bedroom of a past boyfriend, from the time when those cats were still alive. When I opened my eyes, after a brief moment of not being able to, I was in my own present bedroom and had woken up for real (instead of fooling myself into believing that I had woken up so I could just dream about going to the toilet instead of having to actually do it, as has been very common).

Damn it, now I have to go up and work. When I wrote it like that, I just can't betray myself. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 10:44 AM
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Writing that rant to my(not)self yesterday seems to have snapped me out reobservation. After writing it, there was a sense of calm. Tawa was there. I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my practice. I remember that there was vivid awareness of the process of going to sleep. Among other things, I had listened to a long bardo prayer and read the English translation, and it seemed that the description of the dying process in many ways also applies to the process of falling asleep. I think that pointer helped. I can't put the experience of falling asleep into words, though. That part of the brain was probably already asleep. Not much of a phenomenology report here, in other words. Apparently the phenomenology junky goes unconscious before other parts. I know that light was doing stuff. I think the sound of silence did too. I know that there was some recognition. There were some basic distinctions remaining until there wasn't any. 

Equanimity has been the dominating nana so far today. I know that because it's the only way I can deal with complex tasks without getting wired up from it. Tawa has showed up during the work, on its own (well, duh). Nose popping has been occurring. 

Now yoga. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 2:40 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Crossposting to keep track:


Right now I'm wondering if I'm going (even more) crazy or if the following can be due to transmission: I was watching Lama Lena doing teachings on facebook live, and after she had talked about all thoughts and perceptions of the world come and go and having no substance, she said "Watch!" and then she was verbally silent for a long period but I could tell that she was still vividly communicating, as she so often is in those "silent" moments. I tuned into it and felt very relaxed and suddenly she disappeared, sort of, or was there like a ghost. Transparent! As it was twenty to four in the morning here in Sweden, I wrote a comment about it, attributing it to sleep deprivation. One person replied with a laughter emoji afterwards. Another practicioner said that it really had happened. So I watched the video in replay. The first time I was staring at the pixels and couldn't see it. Then I watched again, tuning into the vibes - and then I saw it again! Is that something that occurs in transmission? 

At another time, she asked us to watch her through our hands, between the fingers, and then watch a finger print, and then look back and forth. That was to illustrate how recognizing thoughts with our mind can first feel like watching ping pong, before we can comprehend it all at the same time and see that it isn't separate. The thing is, it wasn't like ping pong for me. When I focused on my finger print, I could still see Lama Lena as vividly, and she wasn't farther away than my finger print. There was no space, no perspective. Everything was just as close. I have had visions like that before (all after watching Lama Lena on youtube) and I thought that was just a quirk of the stage of my practice. Now I'm wondering if that was transmitted too. 

Is this what transmissions are like? 

I had my first experience of Dharmatta while practicing directly after watching Lama Lena on youtube. I attributed that to transmission, because it was so exceptionally clear, and I'd had the feeling that something had happened while watching too. That was more in line with what I expected. I had not expected a person to go invisible right before my eyes, apparent to some and not to others.


The live webcast was early yesterday morning, if I remember correctly. I just watched the replay a moment ago because I saw the comment from someone saying that it actually happened.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 3:50 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Crossposting to keep track:


Right now I'm wondering if I'm going (even more) crazy or if the following can be due to transmission: I was watching Lama Lena doing teachings on facebook live, and after she had talked about all thoughts and perceptions of the world come and go and having no substance, she said "Watch!" and then she was verbally silent for a long period but I could tell that she was still vividly communicating, as she so often is in those "silent" moments. I tuned into it and felt very relaxed and suddenly she disappeared, sort of, or was there like a ghost. Transparent! As it was twenty to four in the morning here in Sweden, I wrote a comment about it, attributing it to sleep deprivation. One person replied with a laughter emoji afterwards. Another practicioner said that it really had happened. So I watched the video in replay. The first time I was staring at the pixels and couldn't see it. Then I watched again, tuning into the vibes - and then I saw it again! Is that something that occurs in transmission? 

At another time, she asked us to watch her through our hands, between the fingers, and then watch a finger print, and then look back and forth. That was to illustrate how recognizing thoughts with our mind can first feel like watching ping pong, before we can comprehend it all at the same time and see that it isn't separate. The thing is, it wasn't like ping pong for me. When I focused on my finger print, I could still see Lama Lena as vividly, and she wasn't farther away than my finger print. There was no space, no perspective. Everything was just as close. I have had visions like that before (all after watching Lama Lena on youtube) and I thought that was just a quirk of the stage of my practice. Now I'm wondering if that was transmitted too. 

Is this what transmissions are like? 

I had my first experience of Dharmatta while practicing directly after watching Lama Lena on youtube. I attributed that to transmission, because it was so exceptionally clear, and I'd had the feeling that something had happened while watching too. That was more in line with what I expected. I had not expected a person to go invisible right before my eyes, apparent to some and not to others.


The live webcast was early yesterday morning, if I remember correctly. I just watched the replay a moment ago because I saw the comment from someone saying that it actually happened.
Allright... I asked Lama Lena and she says that she sometimes gets restless and wiggles a little and that there are many dimensions to wiggle in. 

Okay, maybe I am nuts, but I want to learn how to wiggle like that!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 7:31 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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For the moment I'm focusing on Dzogchen as there are teachings available and I'm loving it. I have signed up for a three-day long online zoom retreat on the Melody of Silence with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche this weekend, but I will also squeeze in some Lama Lena live (it partly overlaps but not completely). I find that their teachings go together very well. I have also made contacts to hopefully be able to take part in a closed online zoom retreat with Lama Lena in May. This evening, after a well needed Ashtanga yoga session, during which the ujjayi breath was with me and therefore also my body, I have continued with my Ligmincha classes. I have really taken a liking to Tibetan chanting. In the beginning, the rhythms and the melodies felt a bit peculiar, and there always seemed to be too many syllables - which were all so difficult to pronounce - but now that I have gotten a grip on how the mantras are organized, they go straight to my heart. I love the intricate details. Not only do the positions of the dominating overtones of the syllables AH OM HUNG correspond with their associated chakras; so do the Tibetan signs for them (they take up three different heights in space, vertically). When I read the English translations to get a feel for the meaning of the mantras, I get shivers all over my body. It is the easiest way for me to get piti and sukha and equanimity. I could probably use it as a foundation for jhana practice. Maybe I'm actually becoming a Buddhist. I have bought a beautiful art print of Avalokiteshvara/Chenrezig that I will have framed as soon as I can afford it, and a mala, and I have found that I sleep so much better if I end the evening/night with Buddhist prayers after my practice.

Oh, I forgot to report something recently: I tried shouting the seed syllable PEH while in Jhana recently, because I wanted to know what it would be like to cut through such a pleasant state, if it would be a disappointment to have it shredded. It turned out that it wasn't. It was amazing. Vaste, open, free, clear. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 3:18 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Oh, I forgot to report something recently: I tried shouting the seed syllable PEH while in Jhana recently, because I wanted to know what it would be like to cut through such a pleasant state, if it would be a disappointment to have it shredded. It turned out that it wasn't. It was amazing. Vaste, open, free, clear. 


Actually, I may be mixing things up. It was a while ago so I don’t remember clearly exactly what state or non-state I was in. Another possibility is that I had a Dharmatta experience and wanted to see if it would hold up, and found that it could be even clearer. Hopefully my subconscious remembers what was learned even if my conscious mind mixes things up. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 7:38 PM
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- deleted dubble posting -

(or edited instead of deleting, since there is a bug in the code that affects threads in which posts are deleted)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 4:20 AM
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Tonight I dreamt that I had a conversation with Dalai Lama and that he said that I should let the samsaric mud be stirred up and watch it, or something like that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 1:45 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I hope it's okay that I quote curious's post from his own thread in this log. It is relevant for my practice.


curious, in a separate thread on exercises for broadening the visual field:


Hi there, I thought people might be interested in this simple exercise for broadening awareness.  It comes from my physical practice and is adapted from martial arts with a buddhist influence.  But it is simple enough to do while sitting at the computer !

1. Calm the mind, so that it is like a still pool of water.
2. Look to the front while defocussing the eyes, (from budo "look at your opponent as you would look at a distant mountain.")
3. WIthout focussing or moving the eyes, practice putting your attention on the periphery of the visual field.
4. Then hold up your left hand, with one finger raised, about 30 cm in front of your eyes (don't focus on it - keep looking at the mountain).
5. Move your finger counterclockwise in a curve towards your left ear. Track it visually, but don't move your eyes.
6. Find the point at which you lose sight of the finger. At that point, move it back and forth, raise and lower additional fingers. Work out the limit of your visual field versus by perceiving movement in the fingers or counting the number of fingers being held upright.
7. Repeat 4-6 with the right hand, clockwise to the right ear.  Remember, don't move or focus your eyes.
8. Repeat using both hands simultaneously. Find the limits of your preception - try to get to near-180 degree visual awareness.
9. Then drop your hands. Add hearing and body sense to deepen awareness and fill in the whole sensory field, including behind you.
10. Sit or walk around enjoying this 360 degree perception. If you have some residual focus, push it up through the crown of the head so that it doesn't solidify in front of you.

You should then have mind like a pool of water, eyes like the moon, no narrative thought, and an intuitive awareness of the total field of perception. You might even get into a very lite jhana. It that doesn't work, then practice it for five minutes a day.  Soon you will be able to summon up this broad perceptual state without using the finger exercises.

If you wear glasses, take them off while you learn. They make it harder to defocus and the frame may block peripheral vision.

Metta

Malcolm






I have been doing this playfully because it suddenly became available after having had an unusual amount of tunnel vision for many years, propably due to having been so sensitive to impressions and felt a need to shield myself. Inspired by the post quoted above I tapped into this fully while being out to do an errand. It was amazing. It is almost storm outside. I was listening to an Avalokiteshvara mantra in my headphones and at the same time listening to the traffic and the wind rustling in dry leaves on the ground and in the tree crowns. I was feeling the wind and the ground and the... existence... The wind was holding me and holding everything, and I was thoroughly enjoying it all. My visual field was clearly wider than 180 degrees. Much wider. I estimate it to 240 degrees. It shouldn't be possible, but I'm probably just sufficiently crazy to be able to tap into stuff that shouldn't be available to me. I just took it all in, or through me, or through it all. I let it be vibrant. There were thoughts there too, but that didn't take away any of the vibrancy, or any of the stillness of it. And so it dawned on me: that's the way to get jhanic factors nowadays, by opening up to what used to overwhelm me completely. It's the dance of the stillness. I get it, and I love it. 

The feeling of seeing 240 degrees is just wow. 

Maybe I'm more suited for zhinei than for shamatha. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 10:51 AM
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It's an extatic wheather outside, almost as if my thrill manifested physically. There's storm and rain and sunshine and a rainbow, all at the same time. Or it was. And now suddenly it is calm, like nothing happened. 
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 2:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Our assumptions about the eyes are yet another contraction. You can definitely get 170 degree of details, and 180 degrees of general impressions, from physical aspects alone. Then if you allow micro movements of your eyes while keeping your head still, 240 degrees of of impressions become available. And that is all before unleashing the full power of the meditative mind, and combining other senses to have an integrated perceptual field.

But we have this cartoonish concept of lines of vision shooting from our fovea through our pupils. Actually, the lenses protude, and can bend light, and there are photoreceptors all over the eye. And all that is before the pre-processing kicks in (e.g. writing over the blind spot). The eyes are vortexes of oblate perception, sucking in an entire hemisphere of information.

We live in caves of our own making, hunched over, watching the shadows on the wall.

Glad you like the exercise.  emoticon 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 4:42 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I don't know what is the limit for what is a micromovement, but it makes sense. I keep my eyes directed straigthly forward, not just my head, but just as I subvocalize inner talk I probably do some really tiny movements with my eyes too. I know that I'm doing something that makes the peripheral vision stand out more. I zoom out and switch to wide-angle mode. That's got to include some movement. What you are saying explains a lot, especially the bending of light. I kind of liked the idea of dream vision more, but I guess one doesn't preclude the other. 

I was about to ask why we people limit ourselves so much, but then I remembered that I had already given a reply to that. Overwhelm, the perceived need to shield oneself. It has to do with the idea of having to be in control.

---

I was resting in the "sacred space" as Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche calls it. Tuned into Dharmatta. I had a really nice connection to it. It felt so simple. And in the midst of that, Dream Walker called so I had to collect myself again because I haven't yet learned how to interact verbally with someone whom I have never talked to before while being in the sacred space. The perceived gap has become smaller, but it's still there, so I was confused for a while. I can feel that the space is still there and that I never really left it. I used to feel that speaking or moving the body intentionally would sort of break the spell, but it doesn't necessarily feel like that anymore. I think practicing while walking and while doing chores has helped a lot with that.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:17 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Okay, I'm going to convey more woo woo stuff (?) here that may or may not have an optical explanation. I watch many dharma teachings on youtube, and one bonus dimension of it is that the teacher usually turns into a kasina that I can see vividly when I close my eyes. Lately I have started to see large bright auras around the contour of the teacher in that after image. I got curious about what that aura was the after image of, if there was something in the actual image, amd so I started looking for it. And yes, there's an aura there. Interestingly the aura is bright both with my eyes open and in the after image in the murk, so it isn't a counter image. I guess that makes it a learning sign? Aura kasina. Never heard of that. Anyway, I still thought it's probably something that can be explained optically. It's just that some people seem to have a more vivid aura than others. So I thought I'd compare. I looked for a video with somebody who is probably not into meditation, and found one with some chiropractor talking about anatomy. I was interested in looking at what his after image aura would look like, as that seems to be easier than seeing the aura directly. To my surprise I found that I couldn't get an after image of him at all, with or without aura. I was probably not sufficiently absorbed (he wasn't talking about the dharma, haha). My eyes were equally focused or non-focused on him, though. So are auras a product of the concentration on the part of the "perceiver"? 
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:29 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Okay, I'm going to convey more woo woo stuff (?) here that may or may not have an optical explanation. I watch many dharma teachings on youtube, and one bonus dimension of it is that the teacher usually turns into a kasina that I can see vividly when I close my eyes. Lately I have started to see large bright auras around the contour of the teacher in that after image. I got curious about what that aura was the after image of, if there was something in the actual image, amd so I started looking for it. And yes, there's an aura there. Interestingly the aura is bright both with my eyes open and in the after image in the murk, so it isn't a counter image. I guess that makes it a learning sign? Aura kasina. Never heard of that. Anyway, I still thought it's probably something that can be explained optically. It's just that some people seem to have a more vivid aura than others. So I thought I'd compare. I looked for a video with somebody who is probably not into meditation, and found one with some chiropractor talking about anatomy. I was interested in looking at what his after image aura would look like, as that seems to be easier than seeing the aura directly. To my surprise I found that I couldn't get an after image of him at all, with or without aura. I was probably not sufficiently absorbed (he wasn't talking about the dharma, haha). My eyes were equally focused or non-focused on him, though. So are auras a product of the concentration on the part of the "perceiver"? 

'Scuse me chipping in again .... but why on earth must woo woo stuff and physical explanations be separate?  Our intuitive 'physical explanations' are wrong in almost every respect - western physics and western philosophy of mind has already determined that.  In fact, our intuitive explanations are arguably the woo woo - such as I have weight, and see the world, and correctly perceive colour, and am the same person as yesterday.

And while you are on Kasina ... try Golden Buddha as the meditation object -  get Medicine Buddha as the kasina!  Check it out.  Even a smartphone image of a golden buddha on a white background will do the trick.  Like this one.

EDIT:  Or try Light Globe as the meditation object (be careful that it is not too bright for your eyes, and that it really is a globe) -  get Yin/Yang as the Kasina.  All these things, hidden plain sight.  emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:43 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Yes, it's all information waves. Still, I think it matters whether an after image is just the opposite color because of how we mechanically process visual input with those holographic eyes we dream that we have, or if it's reflections of light, or light being bent around an object, or if something entirely else is going on. 

Yeah, I had already planned to do that. emoticon I was thinking of a mandala or an image of Avalokiteshvara or some seed syllable. 

Why is it important that it's a globe when at the same time a Buddha shape or a candle flame is okay?
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 6:10 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I don't know why it has to be a globe  - it's just the effect I happened to stumble across.  It only happened from contemplation of a round light source.  I could make up an explanation if you like!  

If you try the golden Buddha link in my previous comment you will just need 30 seconds of contemplation, then close your eyes and a few seconds for the medicine Buddha to ripen, Of course Thangkas must presumably all have the same effect - reverse colour kasinas. But I haven't been able to get them to work, probably due to lack of serious effort.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 6:47 PM
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I wasn't talking about reverse colors. I know what that is. I saw something other than that.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 7:26 PM
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But if one is interested in a kasina object for the cool visual effect, this one is nice: https://wallpaperaccess.com/flower-of-life
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Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 8:10 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:

And while you are on Kasina ... try Golden Buddha as the meditation object -  get Medicine Buddha as the kasina!  Check it out.  Even a smartphone image of a golden buddha on a white background will do the trick.  Like this one.


Interesting, during the retreat I did some medicine buddha practise (before getting distracted by other things), but using this technique worked very quickly as you mentioned it would. Thanks for the idea.

Also, thanks Linda for the "bless me to ever remain a child of illusion." thing from the other thread. It reminds me of the last two panels of the ox herding pictures. There's a bit of a tug of war between presence and detachment in my practise lately, it's a good reminder.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 5:10 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I'm glad it helped. emoticon

I'm still wondering about optical phenomena. I think it was one, but heightened by whatever nana I was in, with its corresponding jhanic factors. After images tend to be more vivid and evolve into something concentration-related more easily in some phases than others. I don't count the reverse color phenomenon as a kasina, because that has to do with mechanisms of the eyes. I do think of all sensory experiences as dream creations, and that includes the notion of having eyes, and that is divine in itself. It should not be underestimated. I totally agree with that. Still I find it practical to make distinctions between what can be explained within what paradigm. What I saw was not a reverse color. It was more similar to what the red dot transforms into during fire kasina. Thus I think the sambhogakaya was involved. It was a symbolic creation of sorts. The red dot isn't as simple as a reverse color either. It is much more stylized than that. It is already evolved from the reverse color phenomenon. It utilizes the reverse color optical phenomenon as a stepping stone, though, and for some reason the candle flame more easily transforms into something more evolved than other objects. The golden Buddha image made me see a purple Buddha. That is not evolved. That is just a reverse color phenomenon. I don't know if the two of you saw something more refined than that? Bright discs make me see a solar eclipse phenomenon. That is also just a reverse color phenomenon. I haven't worked with that, though. I suppose it would change if someone worked hard with it, as a white disc is a valid kasina object in the theravadan tradition. I can get reverse color phenomena from anything, if the background isn't messy, but that doesn't make it a kasina as I see it. If it evolves into something else, that's a whole different story.

I hold the belief that the Buddha restricted kasina practice to a limited set of objects for a reason. I would be very interested in what the reason was. Traditions differ, though, and I know that there are plenty of Tibetan practices that use Thangka images and mandalas and complex visualizations as well. I suppose they also choose some objects over others for a reason. I believe we humans are more receptive to symbolism than we usually like to admit as modern westerners. I would be careful about using something unorthodox as a concentration object without thinking it through, as it might have some unwanted effect. Then again, I suppose people have different karmic tendencies and that risks therefore also vary. 
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hae1en, modified 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 2:09 PM
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Hi Polly!
Nice to read about your practice again! I see you tapped into Lingmincha. If you ever come for a retreat, call me and I will take you around. I am about to contact you on FB, so keep your eyes open.
Best of all,
hae1n
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 10:12 PM
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Hi! Lovely! That would be amazing. I hope it happens. I'm doing their online retreat now, The Melody of Silence. I'll try to take you up on that offer.

---

At the same time, I'm following Lama Lena's teachings on Mahamudra this weekend, to the extent that they don't collide with the retreat sessions. I just had the introduction to how Dzogchen and Mahamudra overlap. We got a homework, which happens to be what I used to do to regenerate in times of distress. Great to get a name for that coping strategy. Apparently I did zhinei with an object. I had no idea. I just found that it worked. And then I found that an object wasn't necessary. 
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Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 3:06 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

The golden Buddha image made me see a purple Buddha. That is not evolved. That is just a reverse color phenomenon. I don't know if the two of you saw something more refined than that?

Realized I forgot to respond to this before. The reason I found it interesting was that I usually use the "retinal damage kasina" as an object. It has a pretty consistent starting shape which looks like my eye. It then evolves as you mentioned. However using the golden image buddha produced a kasina that was very bright blue (maybe my monitor is brighter than yours?), but more importantly the kasina was in the shape of the buddha. Most of the detail was washed out inside the shape, but the outline of the body was distinct. If you're used to using physical objects like colored discs, candle flames etc this is probably normal, but somewhat unusual for me due to the usual "non standard" kasina object. The intensity of the color right from the start was also unusual, instead of an outline with flickering colors inside it was mostly solid blue.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 5:35 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Lars:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

The golden Buddha image made me see a purple Buddha. That is not evolved. That is just a reverse color phenomenon. I don't know if the two of you saw something more refined than that?

Realized I forgot to respond to this before. The reason I found it interesting was that I usually use the "retinal damage kasina" as an object. It has a pretty consistent starting shape which looks like my eye. It then evolves as you mentioned. However using the golden image buddha produced a kasina that was very bright blue (maybe my monitor is brighter than yours?), but more importantly the kasina was in the shape of the buddha. Most of the detail was washed out inside the shape, but the outline of the body was distinct. If you're used to using physical objects like colored discs, candle flames etc this is probably normal, but somewhat unusual for me due to the usual "non standard" kasina object. The intensity of the color right from the start was also unusual, instead of an outline with flickering colors inside it was mostly solid blue.

Aha. Yes, it was in the shape of the Buddha for me too, and yes, that's normal. That's just an effect of how vision works. And yes, my screen had less blue light because of a setting I have that reduces blue light during the night to prevent insomnia. I get after images like that very often, and it doesn't necessarily have to be from a shining screen, but a shining screen definitely speeds up the process. It varies over time how easily I get them. I'm guessing that I was at a peak of it and at the same time at a peak of having hypnagogic images when I saw the aura phenomena that I did a terrible job at describing. Those two peaks together resulted in something that seemed to live its own life for a while. It's gone now. 

It's very cool that you get all those evolved imageries from something that doesn't stand out so clearly in the beginning. 
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Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 12:57 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

It's very cool that you get all those evolved imageries from something that doesn't stand out so clearly in the beginning. 

I should clarify, for a very brief period during the initial A&P phase it's vivid and defined. But that usually only lasts a second or two before it heads toward dissolution and onwards. Is the program you're using called F.lux? I used to use that too, but I found I got headaches too often when using it.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 2:46 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I think it's cool anyway that you found a way to use your eye divergence like this.

I have no idea what the program is called. It is part of the settings for the ipad, I think. It might be the setting "true tone", but I don't remember. It makes the screen very yellowish at night. If nothing else, it's a reminder that it's time to go to bed. I think it makes a difference for the brain too. When a partner uses their phone or pad next to me without using such a program, I find the brightness disruptive. The program can be a bit annoying when I want to look at some picture, though.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 6:40 AM
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Notes from shiné with an object (a quartz pebble the size of my thum print), 30 + 45 minutes (with relocation to a more comfortable spot inbetween).

The pebble wiggled in different dimensions of space and occasionally turned invisible. It instantly had a halo, and so did any objects surrounding it. Sometimes the pebble stood out, sometimes the surroundings. Sometimes the pebble glowed. Sometimes it was veiled by colored hypnagogic swirls. Sometimes it was flat, lacking all details. Sometimes it seemed to levitate, sometimes to sink into the ground. Sometimes the ground it was lying on had heightened textures, like in a 3D picture. Sometimes the ground was smoothened out, lacking all detail. Sometimes  the perspective alternated between my eyes back and forth. Sometimes there was no perspective. Sometimes there was no pebble. Sometimes there was just resting in the pebble with no "special effects". Sometimes there was just resting. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 7:44 AM
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I'm having these snaps inside my head. In the midst of thinking something, there is recognition of the creation that goes on there, how something without any substance whatsoever takes shape and comes to be and gets tangled up with some identification, and then there is a feeling of spaciousness and then a snap. This has become more and more common. It feels like a small electric surge. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 4:14 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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The online Ligmincha retreat on the Melody of Silence has now ended, and so has Lama Lena's facebook live retreat. I feel peaceful. It feels like some blockage in the throat chakra has been cleared away and there is less contraction around the heart. I'm talking kinesthetically now. I have no idea what different teachings say about this stuff with regard to meditative paths. This is no claim about anything, merely subjective phenomenology. I just feel that tensions are gone, at least for the moment, and that there is more space and more warmth and more peace. I feel both grounded and light. There is an exquisite stillness and it dances. Paradoxically, there has been a lot of talk about silence for three days now. It has been wonderful, and yet I also enjoy the actual silence. I usually spend quite a lot of time in physical silence, so for me there has been unusually little silence of that kind during the retreat. Of course, physical silence is just the grosser aspect of it. Anyway, the combination of physical silence after the retreat and silence-retaled insights from the retreat is so beautiful. It's like it has a whole new depth of nuances. Forgive me the very mundane analogy, but I can only think of the complex and yet fresh and light bouquet of an excellent white wine, or champagne maybe. Yes, Moët Chandon. Or the laughing of a mountain brook of the purest water ever, tasted at sunrise and in moonlight.

Investigation-wise, I have seen the emptiness of thoughts and plans and worries and stuff like that more clearly in real time. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/6/20 4:53 PM
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Of cource that exquisiteness of the melody of the silence is a construction, but that's the point. The silence leaves room for more peaceful constructions.

Today I did shiné with a pebble again, for one hour. I went through very similar cycles as last time, although it didn't disappear this time. This seems to be a good practice to go back to in order to work with hindrances when needed. It is simple, much simpler than focusing on the breath. I know from my past that shiné with an object works for me even in times of distress, although I had no idea that it was a basic Mahamudra practice back then. I just found it very soothing. I can easily get intro a trance this way, or whatever one wants to call it. Always could. 

Then I did a couple of guided meditations from my Ligmincha classes, and then it naturally developed into shiné without an object. I have also done some mind-mind looking, and I have done some chanting just because it makes me happy. I continued to meditate while cooking food. There is connection to tawa and to the stillness, silence and spaciousness. The stillness dances and the silence sings, and the spaciousness carries me without holding me.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 1:49 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hi Linda, and thank you again for your kindness in having a compassionate and concerned eye on me as an unusually volatile practitioner. Silence and stillness was my A & P, I think, and it still has a healing feeling to it. So thank you also for the invitation to share that vibe with you, in light of recent, more agitated states I've been navigating.

This may be the wrong place or time or anything to mention this, but you've referred a couple of times to polyamory as liberating for you, and i thought it might interest you to know that i was sort of present at the creation, of "polyamory" in its specific present historical thread with a lineage form. I was in the San Francisco Bay Area during the early eighties through the late 90s, and during that period i spent a good deal of deep karmic time with the Kerista Commune in the Haight-Ashbury, where we practiced a form of non-monogamy, group marriage, called "polyfidelity." There was still sexual fidelity within the family group (we called them BFICs, Best Friend Identity Clusters; i laugh just to think of our many acronyms now). The largest group I was ever in had 11 women and 8 men, I think. We had a sleeping schedule and slept with each opposite sex partner in turn, through a nightly rotation. It was remarkably well organized, actually. Very very intense psychological test tube. Anyway, what i remember of "polyamory" from back then was that it emerged as an explicit nonmonogamous alternative to our relatively Puritanical polyfidelity. Ryam Nearing, a marvelous long time friend of mine, who lived in Oregon at that time, was also practicing polyfidelity with her two guy partners, Barry and Allan, with much less of the cult-like trappings that were accumulating around the Keristsa scene, and she started a magazine called Loving More for the larger looser poly community. It was through that that she met Deborah Anapole, who was the first person i knew who was explicitly practicing "polyamory," though at the time i thought that was just a lame excuse for her hot tub scene in Marin County. But they really did the work to make it a viable concept in relationships, and so we see the fruits of their labors in Sweden today! Polyfidelity is a historical footnote, but polyamory has achieved a genuine breakout into its various evolutionary forms. One more thing for me to be humble about, lol.

If you feels this post mucks up your practice thread, let me knew, and I'll delete it. Or can you delete it yourself? in any case, it can disappear. But I did think you might find it amusing. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 2:44 PM
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Hi! No worries. The post can stay. 

Well, I just picked up a vibe early on. People always said that I should be able to read between the lines, and I took that literally. emoticon

Thanks for sharing your story! Small world, huh? Cool! The Swedish polyamorous community/set of communities tends to be somewhat more inspired by relationship anarchy than what is common in the US, I think, but it has more than one root. There are quite a few who dream about having a "polycule" similar to what you described, albeit usually a smaller one, but there are also many who are very sceptical about the dynamics that can arise from anything rule-based, eapecially if it starts with one couple that "opens up". That can get nasty. Nobody gets to tell me when I sleep with or do whatever with whom. There is communication about potential risks and other stuff that might have influence inbetween relationships, and then everybody makes their own informed decisions, and stuff happens if wishes overlap. People who are involved with each other either directly or indirectly mostly care about the wellbeing of the others. Thus it works despite lacking much of the organization. Two of my exes are key in making sure that it works for me. One of them takes care of my cats when I travel to my partners, and the other one takes care of one of my partners' cats when he travels to me (they are best friends and consider each other brothers). Those exes will always be family. Rather than a closed polycule, it's a complex net of relationships. The relationships develop organically. I couldn't possibly tell you how many people I'm in love with. I don't know how to count. I can tell you, though, that it's not one and not two. emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 5:29 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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My formal practice today was limited to chanting the Heart-dharani of Avalokiteshvara-ekadaśamukha a.k.a. Eleven-faced Avalokiteshvara Heart Dharani Sutra (I love it so much that it's hard not to do it) and resting with a pebble (zhine with an object). Some mind-mind-looking occurred off the cushion. I lost myself in contractions during the afternoon because I got a bit wired up from thinking, but I kept noticing it and connect with the stillness inbetween. All in all, I think it was educational. It's good to get to learn one's triggers. 

Seriously, how can focusing on a small stone be so fuckin' pleasant?! And how could I forget how amazing it is? And why do people bother with dangerous and/or expensive drugs? Just let me sit with my pebble and I'm all bliss. It's like the whole world is in that pebble. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 1:13 AM
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I had an amazingly weird experience this night (or very early in the morning here). It must have been an A&P experience because... well, I totally get now why people would report having been made love to by a spirit... That was so weird! And wow, was it good. It felt almost like I experienced the very meeting between emptiness and awareness and the creation that comes from their lovemaking. Apart from the... uhm... lovemaking part, there was centerlessness. I vaporized and floated out into space. Hearing floated out too. I used to think that of course sounds just happen where they are, even though technically the sound is created inside the mind (but hey, isn't the entire world as we know it inside mind? Or inside overlapping minds?), but this was different. The consciousness of hearing moved out from my body in a very tangible way. I was spread out. I had no substance. And then I had. And then I hadn't. And then I had. And so forth. The contractions were very pleasant blisswaves of creation. It was as if I was space or emptiness and was being penetrated by the existence, and wow, it felt so good. Both movements were amazing, both the vaporizing and the manifestation. Holy fuck, literally. Or well, symbolically, of course. And after quite some time of that extatic bliss, there was peace and I fell back into sleep. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:06 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I had an amazingly weird experience this night (or very early in the morning here). It must have been an A&P experience because... well, I totally get now why people would report having been made love to by a spirit... That was so weird! And wow, was it good. It felt almost like I experienced the very meeting between emptiness and awareness and the creation that comes from their lovemaking. Apart from the... uhm... lovemaking part, there was centerlessness. I vaporized and floated out into space. Hearing floated out too. I used to think that of course sounds just happen where they are, even though technically the sound is created inside the mind (but hey, isn't the entire world as we know it inside mind? Or inside overlapping minds?), but this was different. The consciousness of hearing moved out from my body in a very tangible way. I was spread out. I had no substance. And then I had. And then I hadn't. And then I had. And so forth. The contractions were very pleasant blisswaves of creation. It was as if I was space or emptiness and was being penetrated by the existence, and wow, it felt so good. Both movements were amazing, both the vaporizing and the manifestation. Holy fuck, literally. Or well, symbolically, of course. And after quite some time of that extatic bliss, there was peace and I fell back into sleep. 
Somewhere in this process, many tiny sparks of light were brought together into one sphere. Then that sphere would expand and fill first the "screen" and then beyond that. That was repeted in all the cycles of it. I remember that the bright screen was what woke me up. 

I don't know how much of this is scripted. I recognize components from Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche's teachings on yoga of dream and sleep (the paragraph right above this one) and Lama Lena's teachings about symbolic consort practice, the kind that only involves visualizations, not actual tantric sexual practice (the quoted part). I guess both teachings spoke to and resonated with subconscious processing. What's not scripted anyway? It just seems very naive to think that any experience could be non-scripted. I think the experience was also pushed into being by merging very pleasantly with the pebble before I went to sleep and by putting a framed Avalokiteshvara image on the head board of my bed. I remember a thought popping up about going to bed with the Buddha gestalt, haha. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:11 AM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Holy fuck, literally. Or well, symbolically, of course. 

Amen. Surely this is somewhere in the realm of what the awakened ones have hinted at in the highly technical dharma term "the good stuff."
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:24 AM
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Haha! I don't know, but it definitely felt like good stuff. Possible the best ever. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 1:18 AM
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I'm mixing methods in a very eclectic way and I'm intrigued by how they interact. Maybe that's my actual method, investigating that interaction.  It seems to be working somehow. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 3:32 AM
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Oh dear... I just attended a vipassana group practice via zoom for the first time within that particular community. They introduced an "advanced" method today: trying not only to stay aware of the breath but also notice being aware of the breath. Then they talked about the importance of keeping one's impulses in check to stay away from unhealthy behavior as the main point of the practice, and gratitude was expressed for that new tool. Uhm... I missed an online job meeting for this. I had really been looking forward to practicing with a sangha in the mornings. I think I'll stick to the job meetings and do my own practice instead. Or maybe I should make a practice out of dealing with my disappointment. That could be helpful, but it would feel dishonest and disrespectful. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 3:44 AM
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I mean, there's certainly nothing wrong with teaching the basics or practicing the basics, but presenting actually starting to do vipassana as an advanced vipassana practice... 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:49 AM
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Yesterday afternoon I celebrated Sherap Chamma, a Tibetan Bön lineage tradition, online with Ligmincha. It starts with tantric visualizations and chanting of seed syllables to purify and get blessings. Then there is mantra chanting. Then I did two and a half hours of yoga. After that I meditated again to prepare for the chanting, then went back online to continue with the mantra chanting. As soon as I join the zoom room, I can feel the energy of the sangha. 

It felt as if I had quite a number of blips even during the yoga, but I don't know what kind of blips. It's like there is an energy flow, like waves through the energy channels, and when they reach the crown they continue out through it and into space if I let go (my tics prevent that, but letting go of the tics helps), and then it culminates in a blip or an electric glitch. And then from spaciousness a new wave begins. I'm wondering whether these waves are rapid nana clyclings. If so, the cessations aren't necessarily related to great insight, but more an inevitable reoccurring "movement".

Chanting seems to be an accessible door into spaciousness. I feel this especially with Tibetan syllables. In the very beginning it feels like I am doing the chanting, and that creates a blockage in the throat chakra, but then the sound starts to just come out effortlessly, and the sense of a doer fades away and spaciousness opens up. Blockages are cleared away. After a while, even longer mantras do themselves. 

I will soon do the Sherap Chamma practice again, as it continues online for yet several hours. I will work in the evening instead.

The retreat I had booked myself to in May, with Catherine McGee and Yannic something, will be online instead and somewhat shorter. That means that I will also be able to attend the Immersion online retreat with Shinzen Young and Julianna Rayes. Thus I will have a somewhat longer retreat altogether. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 12:25 PM
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I'm continuously having these blips that fall somewhere inbetween recognizable cessations and recognizable non-cessations. Now and then I also have a rhythmic ticking in my head. Spaciousness pops up. Jhanas are accessible, but I haven't put in the work to gain momentum. Right now I'm more into the open spaciousness. I don't know where I am in the spiralling. Maybe I have gone through one of those full insight cycles that are still not a path moment. If so, I should soon be back in what I refer to as the newbie territory (lower nanas and poor concentration, albeit with a new baseline each time). This feels like one of those mini-reviews or whatever one should call them. I have forgotten the critera for different paths, but I suspect that there is still too much assumed agency to qualify as third path. It has decreased, but not enough. 

At least this time around due to the corona virus, I can't make the usual mistake of running around and doing too much directly after a cessation, it that's what they are, which I can't tell for certain. Michael Taft would be content. 

Wherever it is that I am, I'm loving it. And I see the limitations of it. And that's fine. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 12:54 PM
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Undefined blips occur off cushion as well, such as during online job meetings. Some selfing is seen through, then sshhhPOP! I stole that description from Matthew. It's actually a great description. 
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spatial, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:02 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I have forgotten the critera for different paths, but I suspect that there is still too much assumed agency to qualify as third path. It has decreased, but not enough. 

Does anything feel like it has resolved itself?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:13 PM
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spatial:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I have forgotten the critera for different paths, but I suspect that there is still too much assumed agency to qualify as third path. It has decreased, but not enough. 

Does anything feel like it has resolved itself?
Uhm... It took me a while to figure out why there would be anything to resolve, which is weird, because there are obviously plenty of things to work on. So... yes and no and both and neither... -ish...
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 1:51 PM
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Hilfe! I have bought five dharma books by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (and some by other teachers, but those will have to wait) and I can't decide which one to start with as they all seem great. I think I have narrowed it down to three of them:

Wonders of the natural mind
The Tibetan yogas of dream and sleep
Healing with form, energy and light: the five elements in Tibetan Shamanism, Tantra, and Dzogchen

Still disappointed that I couldn't find his other books on any Swedish online bookstore, as shipping sometimes costs more than the books.

Hm, the other two books seem easier to read, which would mean that I would be able to start on a new one sooner. Damn it! And they include practice CD:s. Gah, I can't choose! Those books are:

Awakening the luminous mind
Tibetan sound healing


What shall I do? Should I just go chronologically?

EDIT: Oh noooooo, or Yaaaaaaaay, I just found the other ones available. I want them all! Craving duly noted.
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:02 PM
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So you can probably dimly perceive the subconscious complex doing the craving.  Is it the same complex as the one doing the noting, or are they different?

emoticon

Malcolm
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:09 PM
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curious:
So you can probably dimly perceive the subconscious complex doing the craving.  Is it the same complex as the one doing the noting, or are they different?

emoticon

Malcolm

They are both doing their own thing. Saying "both" is an oversimplification, but let's go with that. The noting doesn't actually note the craving. The noting doesn't have an object. It just is. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:15 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
curious:
So you can probably dimly perceive the subconscious complex doing the craving.  Is it the same complex as the one doing the noting, or are they different?

emoticon

Malcolm

They are both doing their own thing. Saying "both" is an oversimplification, but let's go with that. The noting doesn't actually note the craving. The noting doesn't have an object. It just is. 

Actually, I have no idea. I just wrote what came to my mind first. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:17 PM
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By the way, I picked a book and started reading. Problem solved. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:34 PM
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What complexes?
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:41 PM
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Never mind, enjoy your books!  Think about it next month.  emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:49 PM
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Okay. 

Oh my goodness, they are so great! 

I picked the one about dream and sleep. After all, I had already committed to that practice. And when I picked it up, reading just happened, so it seemed practical to just continue. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 10:33 PM
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I had a dharma-related dream, and as one of my cats woke me up I may as well write it down. Prior to falling asleep I had been watching tiglés of different colors doing stuff. I have forgotten the specifics now, but in the dream I was trying to describe the process to someone who was teaching me. There may have been different teacher gestalts in the dream, but somewhere down the line they were personified as curious. I had been given neatly wrapped presents by different beings. Some of them I was hesitant to open because I had been warned about those beings giving pointers that weren't untrue per se but prone to be misleading because the context was unknown (and that could be the intention).* I think maybe they could unlock something that was potentially dangerous. One of the presents that I had been hesitant to open I was now told by curious that I needed to open. The gift was from The Mother or something like that (an important gestalt in yoga of dream and sleep). At least it was a female gestalt, and I owed it to her to open it because of my committment.**

I was still resisting something, so curious gave me instructions. It was pretty obvious that following the instructions would trigger a development of unfoldings that was something different from the explicit level of the instruction. I was to sit in a position that supported both my back and my neck so that no effort was required, and there were pointers about stuff to focus on. I knew that it would make me lose control and that subconscious processes would be communicated uncensored. I wouldn't be able to hide anything or hold anything back. There would be no control. I was willing to let go of that control.

There was also something about different mantras and transmissions within them. We were talking about them in a café or dining hall or study room; it looked a bit like a reading hall at a university library, with many rows of single tables, but people were eating there, I think, and there was a row by the window side of tables for two. Were the mantras the gifts? I don't know. There was something mystical about them. I think they were speaking to my subconscious. Another detail is that at one point there was a sense of having brought baggage into the room. It is possible that I had brought all those dharma books.

*) One karmic seed for that aspect of the dream was undoubtedly Chris's caution in the Advaita and Buddhism thread that I should press teachers, and one karmic seed for the context part may have been both our discussion about that and the fact that we always seem to lack context in our communication.

**) The committment part may have been what I said about having committed to the practice of yoga of dream and sleep, which is why I should open that book.

---

There was also the ocean. It may have been in a separate dream. The ocean is a common refuge in my dreams.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 11:02 PM
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I may have offered curious my food in the dream. That may have been what the food was about. I only remember that part vaguely. Symbolic offerings of one's food to enlightened beings, which can be personified by basically anyone and often one's teachers, is common in many Tibetan traditions. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 11:18 PM
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The Mother is emptiness.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 1:37 PM
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Just to be very clear, I'm fully aware of the pitfalls of transference in guru yoga and I don't intend to go down that road. 

I also happen to believe that it is possible to tap into something that goes beyond one's ordinary conscious mind by allowing symbolic stuff to play out without buying into it as something real. It's just a construct. Like all our experience, mind you. And still - some constructs are more consensual than others, and it's good to remind oneself of what is what. Tech is tech, not religion and not a natural law, and the teacher in guru yoga symbolizes one's own Buddha nature. 

---

Today I was reckless enough to eat something that gave me a bit of a histamine reaction (I failed to check the best before date on some food that was already somewhat risky business even if fresh). It was a mild one as I was lucky enough to notice it in time and take measures, but I can still feel my body working on it. There is both pain and fatigue in the background. As I needed the rest, I did reclining meditation and let it just develop into whatever was needed. It turned into some light jhana version, then brief lapses into lucid dreamless sleep, then more light jhana, which then popped into some light version of spaciousness and then turned into some pleasant trance which I reluctantly broke because I needed to pee. It seems to match my scattered intentions quite well. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 2:12 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Sometimes I wonder whether one reason that we cycle the nanas is that we have an innate tendency to do stupid shit like eating too much histamine on a regular basis. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 2:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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A simple but yet crucial insight dawned on me: if there is the experience of brain fog, being aware of the experience of brain fog is not poor sensory clarity. Poor sensory clarity would mean not being aware of the experience of brain fog. 

And the pebble doesn't care whether I have it levitate or collapse space or if I just rest with it in my brain fog. 

Placing the pebble on my knee for the practice in order to be able to recline hurts. Focusing so intensely on the pebble makes the touch sensations painful. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 7:19 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hi Linda, I can't make my private messages function here on DhO generate new outward-bound messages, which is the most appropriate means for this communication. So you can treat this as a read-and-burn if you don't want it cluttering up your practice thread. I just wanted to let you know that I'm letting your work on the Bodhisattva battleground be for the time being, not because i don't want to jump in and dance, which i do, but because i think the ball there is in Stirling's court, to mix the metaphors and hopefully not hit any dancers on the head with any balls, or dance thrugh any ball games, or whatever. It's funny sometimes, with you on Swedish time and me on my very early quasi-monastic US east coast rhythm with a working time zone more truly in the mid-Atlantic somewhere; we're often the only ones up, through certain hours!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 7:59 AM
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I understand. I'm not looking for a fight and maybe it was unskillful to bring this up now in another thread, and especially to call out a person. I think I was mainly hoping for a confirmation that of course our relative conditionings and people's boundaries and wellbeing do matter, and it was indeed only in a specific context that he took that position for some reason. He seemed very adamant at the time, though, and it wasn't that long ago, and as he seemed to think it was okay to bring up stuff from my previous posts in that thread (another practicioner's log), I take it that it is also okay for me to do the same. It's just conditions, after all, and he explicitly claimed that those don't exist, so I figure they can't hurt him. 

Yeah, I'm probably the one who spends most time here. It must look like I don't have a life, haha. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 8:12 AM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I understand. I'm not looking for a fight and maybe it was unskillful to bring this up now in another thread, and especially to call out a person. 


I'm taking this opportunity to try out and practice my new siddhi, of maybe being able to respond with multiple boxes of quotation in a single reply.

Well, even if you are looking for a fight, i think you picked a perfect place for it, as far as I'm concerned, among consenting adults. If we can't start a healing process on a battleground, what good are we? You were wounded by a previous exchange, and have invited a healing conversation, as i see it. I was totally up for a fight with you, personally, and like I said, it took me some discipline to just let the thing be once it became clear to me who you were calling out.

Yeah, I'm probably the one who spends most time here. It must look like I don't have a life, haha. 


Ha, the siddhi worked!

That's what i was saying too, and ditto re: looking like i don't have a life. But it can get sort of hilarious when we're both looking for someone to play with and we're the only two on DhO who are even, quite literally, awake. It's like that famous painting "Nighthawks" i think it's called , by Edward Hopper, a late night diner with a few people inside with their cups of coffee. Sometimes it's just you and me in that cafe.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 10:33 AM
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Well, I found it a bit scary that I was the only one in that discussion (the one I referred to, not the one you were involved in) who seemed to think it was important not to minimize disability and stuff like that. I have seen far too much of that in other contexts and I have seen how harmful it can be for those who can't just stop suffering on command. I think you would have agreed with me if you had been there. For some reason, all those who have been fighting for emotions before did not see any reason to say anything, so I felt pretty alone. The thread wasn't even about that, and yet my delusion of thinking that things matter was adressed over and over again. The thing is, when that kind of discourse is normalized, those who are affected by it often become silent. Important perspectives then aren't voiced, and if abuse happens, it is kept silent. Of course I'm not saying that anything like that happened. But it could. If it does, I don't want to be one of those who made talking about conditions taboo. 

---

Hm, maybe we are both a little too addicted to dopamine. 
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 11:29 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hi Polly,

So, just to give you my perspective on that exchange, from memory, i didn't go back to read through again : at the time, it seemed to me that there was a kind of deliberate irony in the way he was answering you, because he thought, I sensed, that it wasn't worth actually literally replying to your reading of what he was saying. Which to me is a good sign - I would have had a less positive impression if he felt like he had to prove something, in this context. Which is why he made that consent form joke. To say it bluntly - and I'm not taking sides at all, seriously - I think you took it too seriously and literally, and he just wasn't willing to get very serious.

There was little actually on the balance in this conversation, it was just happening on some obviously relatively mature and blanced guy's practice log (mine emoticonemoticon) on the internet, with relatively mature and balanced participants in the conversation. If someone was gonna read that and then go on to think they don't have a disability, then I think they would also be at risk of harming themselves in some way from anything they read which may or may not be adressed to them but could influence them. To assume that Stirling actually doesn't care about that stuff in real life from that exchange alone is a bit much in my view ^^. Of course it's possible that this is true, in fact he might be a criminal of some kind for all we know xD

But in that case, if he was actually not taking these things into consideration, which would be a sign of some kind of serious problem IMHO, do you think telling him that on a forum would change something to the behavior ? I have serious doubts. When you say 
I found it a bit scary that I was the only one in that discussion (the one I referred to, not the one you were involved in) who seemed to think it was important not to minimize disability and stuff like that.

I really think that this specifically was implicitly obvious for us, an unstated but shared assumption behind the whole exchange, the unstatedness of which seems to have fuelled what I consider to be a misunderstanding - which obviously, and unfortunately, affected you.

Just my 2 cents, for the sake of perspective. Maybe you're clear on all that but either way, thought i'd mention.

With metta

edit : and to be even more fair, Stirling's participation in this thread at this particular moment was very beneficial to me, it provoked some serious opening, some shunning off of some unnoticed stuff which had been blocking me, during the retreat I went to right after, as well as provided inspiration and insight (remember that thing about "appearances are just mirrors of the mind" ? loved it), even that specific point of "there are no causes and conditions", which was basically adressed to me in that context, that was very skillful from him because it struck me and opened something up too. 

So, yeah, I guess that's 4 cents now ^^ 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:27 PM
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I'm glad it was helpful to you. I wouldn't have minded at all if it had all been adressed to you who was obviously up for it. Much of it was adressed to me, though, with hints to his impression of my writing but with no reference to my actual practice. If people want to give me pointers, I prefer if they do it in my practice log rather than somebody else's, and I prefer if it is based on actual practice notes. He basically said that my and other people's disabilities don't matter and he treated consent as something to make jokes about. I sure hope that it was a misunderstanding, but that would be pretty ironic as the risk of misunderstanding was what I had been talking about and what he dismissed as irrelevant because the frames of reference don't exist. I did ask curious if his pointers to you would be relevant for me as well, but I didn't mean to invite a whole discussion about my persona from someone who doesn't know me at all, and I definitely did not invite anyone to make fun of me for thinking that neurodivergence can matter in a teaching situation and that if you don't know somebody's boundaries, then maybe you shouldn't hold on to the poking as some badger when they have indicated that they are uncomfortable. I'm sure that tactic works fine for some, but he certainly made it to my "definitely not my teacher" list in that thread. If I was the only one who was uncomfortable, then that actually proves that conditionings such as neurodivergence does make a difference, and that even a whole bunch of realized people can do harm without noticing it because they don't bother to think about how frames of reference matter and how failing to take them into account tend to affect the minority. That is how ableism works. Nobody means any harm. They just think our issues are silly and unnecessary to even adress. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:51 PM
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I don't know if you remember it, but I actually asked that we should stop talking about me in your log, after several comments directed towards me. 
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:36 PM
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I don't know if you remember it, but I actually asked that we should stop talking about me in your log, after several comments directed towards me. 

Definitely and as I was watching the exchange happen from the retreat (oops ! busted !), I was kind of appalled at the bitterness. I still think there was no malignent intent from anyone though, and that you've got it perfectly right that not everyone can be everyone's teacher. I also thought that it was somehow a fruitful happening in the end, because it made some things like what you just said come out, and probably even made you more confident about your needs and what you don't want (?) You clearly have a very good sense of what can and cannot work for you and I guess that's also a result of unfortunate discussions like this one (and probably a lot of prior suffering from such happenings ?) 

Well in any case I'm in no position to say what is what, but I just wanted to share my perspective about how the whole thing unraveled, and talk a bit about myself in your log emoticonemoticon But I do completely understand the frustration that can arise from feeling totally misunderstood by someone who seems to know what is right for you. It can be a mindfuck.

Otherwise : I did read you answer, thanks for that, I didn't want to interrupt the flow of you log though, since you had already written a few new entries when I got there. Edit : So I read it again, and  must say I'm not very satisfied with Lama Lena's descriptions. I have glimpsed stuff like that too but for instance nirmanakaya and samboghakaya are not really explained there, and the distinctions between tawa, rigpa, dharmakaya, are pretty unclear imo. The thing is, I not only have an experiential interest in this (which is what matters, and obviously your main orientation - props), but also a huge theoretical one, being a reader of phenomenologists like Michel Henry who talk about things like this in a much more satisfying way in some regards, but not all. Anyways... I will figure it out as I go along and post my findings in my log.

Cheers ! Metta ! Karuna ! Mudita ! Upekkha ! Et cetera ! 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:48 PM
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Oh, the flow here is total chaos anyway, and that is fine. Feel free to comment on it if you wish. If you have better things to do, that's totally okay too. For me it would be interesting.

It was a bit of a surprise to me too that it all sort of blurped out like this. I hadn't planned on it. 

I don't think it was a fruitful happening. It didn't help me in any way. One could hope that it will help others, but to be realistic, it usually doesn't. Hoping that it will help only causes suffering.   

My knowing what works for me is thanks to those who actually were sensitive to my needs and showed me that they do matter, in spite of everything else. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:54 PM
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Thanks for commenting on our shared interest! Yeah, I guess Lama Lena is more of a cut to the chase and get your practice going kind of teacher. I like that. I don't think the theoretical views of it are that important. Still, I look forward to reading your reflections on it, especially in relationship to your phenomenology. 
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 3:34 PM
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Thanks for commenting on our shared interest! Yeah, I guess Lama Lena is more of a cut to the chase and get your practice going kind of teacher. I like that. I don't think the theoretical views of it are that important. Still, I look forward to reading your reflections on it, especially in relationship to your phenomenology. 

I do think it's important ! emoticonemoticon For after awakening, for talking about it, for understanding you own culture... For instance, precisely nailing what dharmakaya is is important to me because it seems to simply be what some people call god, you know. And that is hugely significant culturally speaking. 

Regarding the other thing, I'm sorry that it was just a bad exchange for you. I feel like bad experiences have also taught me things, like, in a way, that panditarama lumbini retreat, but I might just be refusing to be honest. Who knows.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 4:03 PM
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I have the greatest respect for your perspective. When you do find the precise nailing of it, I would love it if you share it. I'm not convinced that it can be nailed, but I'm open to being wrong there.

You know, when you go through something negative too many times, the learning that still takes place is usually not the positive kind. That's why I don't accept for people to take credit for overstepping my boundaries. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:59 AM
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Our minds, trained to work with abstractions and logic, seize a metaphor and analyze it. We ask too much of the metaphor. We want to know how the lamp got in the room, how the flame gets lite, how the wind starts. We want to know what kind of mirror it is, what it is made of, what stands outside of the mirror to be reflected. Instead, let yourself dwell in the image; try to find the experience hidden in the word.  There is darkness. A lamp is lit. We all know this experience with our bodies and senses. The darkness is replaced by luminosity that is clear, substanceless, directly known. A wind arises and the flame is blown out. We know what it feels like when the light is overcome by darkness.


Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (1998): The Tibetan yogas of dream and sleep. Boulder, Colorado: Snow Lion, p. 56f.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 11:17 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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<p>Hi Polly, or Linda ? What do you prefer ?<br />
<br />
I definitely don&#39;t mean to say we could find a way to reach or express or lead someone to the absolute, awakening, realization, reality, etc., through language. Really really not.</p>

<p>Since you seem interested I&#39;ll try to explain my perspective. IMNFEO (In My Not-Yet Fully Enlightened Opinion), realization is beyond relationality and things, hence, meaningless, or&nbsp;alternatively it is absolute meaning = meaninglessness. I don&#39;t think I can go wrong saying that.</p>

<p>But the world of meaning, of signs, is almost <em>all of&nbsp;humanity. </em>Human culture, beyond the absolute, is the dependently originated world. It is based on and comprised of&nbsp;things, which implies&nbsp;some kind of permanence (memory) and relationality (something standing for something else - ie, semiosis, signification). Sure, it&#39;s all the One Mind in the end,&nbsp;as some would say, yet the human world&nbsp;remains. Any-thing we have access to that is not the absolute is a variation on that, is it not ? Nirmanakaya and sambhogakaya. There are no humans ultimately, are there,&nbsp;and we are not talking. Yet these dimensions will remain and are what humans do, and we talk about it, and generations before us have talked about it and built their everyday lives around this. Because if enlightened beings&nbsp;were not humans and not in the world of signs, they would not do.</p>

<p>It seems easier to reach enlightenment than to do many other things, to be honest, and once we are fully there these other things will be all that is left to do, no ?</p>

<p>What I mean is something along the lines of : once you get the realization, how do you share it and express it and get other people to share in it, how do you symbolically express it, which are the skillful means for that, how do you deepen it and make it infuse every aspect of your experience ; and further than that : how have people in the past reached it ? How did they name it ? How did they express it and transmit it ?</p>

<p>This is partly why I&#39;m so interested in thoroughly understanding those things also from an intellectual point of view. Is&nbsp;the sambhogakaya is actually what that crazy guy Plato meant by the &quot;world of ideas&quot; ? When Parmenides, or Heraclites, some&nbsp;of the first greek philosophers, talk&nbsp;about&nbsp;&quot;Aei&quot;, the Eternal, in ways that are&nbsp;so reminiscent of some buddhist formulations (Parmenides is a bit like the Heart-Sutra Buddha),&nbsp;were they also pointing to that common thing which people in the Advaita vs Buddhism thread came to agree that it is the end-goal of the path and &quot;ultimate&quot; ?</p>

<p>I think many people would agree : yes, different persons from different times and different traditions have entered the absolute dimension through varying ways. Because the truth is the truth regardless of time and place, regardless of anything human.</p>

<p>OK man. But that kind of cultural connection really turns me on, though. Why ? Because the culture I was raised in was influenced for thousands of years by this Plato guy. Not by the buddha. And it seems to me that there is something strange in going in a culture which had little historical contact with mine, to learn about things which are seemingly virtually unknown here. Is it true that, as many present it, through this contact between East and West, the West is learning about things it had never known, and that buddhadharma and this sunyata which Francisco Varela talked about as the crown jewel of human experience are just unknown things in our history ? That seems preposterous to me.</p>

<p>Cultures have started to merge basically in parallel with the industrial revolution. During the XXth century more and more buddhism came to the west. It seemed to many people that something which had been completely overlooked in our &quot;materialist and scientific culture&quot; was being introduced for the first time. It seemed like a kind of spiritual revolution and renaissance. A new age. In fact, since the XIXth century people have been saying that : our culture is materialist and unspiritual and its renewal will come from the Eastern spiritualities. And that was true ! But we should be aware that our culture did not start in the XVIth century. Actually, it&#39;s rather that it started going to shit in the XVIth century, at least in the spiritual dimension, with the rise of scientific though and the downfall of Christianity. Sure, technological progress is very nice. Doesn&#39;t really compensate meaninglessness and complete cultural disconnection from the truth.&nbsp;</p>

<p>So yes, the word Sunyata has come to have a certain resonance, emotionally and intellectually and experientally for me. The word &quot;Eternity&quot; however, has an incomparably more profound effect on me than Sunyata. The word &quot;pl&eacute;nitude&quot; (fullness, as in fulness of being), or &quot;Openness&quot;, which both seem&nbsp;to be appropriate alternative translations to sunyata, they immediatly ring many bells for me.&nbsp;The word &quot;Absolute&quot; has depth for me. When I hear it I shiver. When I hear the word eternity I get an incredibly profound sense of inspiration across all the three kayas ^^.&nbsp;&nbsp;It&#39;s woven deep at the root of the construct which is my identity, unlike the word Dharmakaya. The word Dharmakaya sounds curious and foreign to me. I will not be able in this life to shun away my human identity, however&nbsp;ultimately sunyata it might be. It would simply more skillful, IMNYFEO,&nbsp;to use a word like The Absolute to orient my quest for it, if that is indeed a good synonym for Dharmakaya,&nbsp;although maybe less exotic&nbsp;of a term. I wish I had someone who could talk to me about these things in words I have heard of. Honestly I&#39;ve had enough exoticism, to me, local is the new cool. Haha ^^ I&#39;m not saying there&#39;s a right or wrong way to put things. Chopsticks are fun for a while, but does it make much sense if a guy from Senegal starts using&nbsp;them for eating Bananas ?<br />
<br />
And you know what, if we can have some people express these things clearly who both have the contemplative chop(stick)s, and are educated in the normal sense, who have read the great thinkers from where we are from,&nbsp;then something amazing opens up : our own cultural history. Because for instance, some of the phenomenologists were probably arahants, that is my guess anyways. If people can achieve arahatship in one year upon reading mctb, is it far reaching to suppose that some philosophers like Husserl for instance, might have achieved some degree of awakening, or gone all the way, though somehow independent means, from a life-time of curiosity about the nature of appearances and profound, committed, sincere concern for truth ?&nbsp;Because Kierkegaard talked about the absolute. Because the christian mystics in the middle-ages new everything about the absolute. Because the people who built the churches which still stand today in every single village in the country where I live, knew about this - perhaps, perhaps some of them. They didn&#39;t know about the buddha though.&nbsp;</p>

<p>You feel what I&#39;m saying ? I&#39;m not saying : let&#39;s go back. Just looking for a meaningful synthesis, looking for the great meaning in the realms of the relative, for my own satisfaction, and for reaching more people from my cultural area, to whom I can relate more easily. When I first experienced the DN, it was Albert Camus who brought me comfort, not Mahasi Sayadaw. Etc.&nbsp;</p>

<p>So,&nbsp;there is also a quest for justice, respect and fidelity&nbsp;here. I want to pay homage to the generations past, and dispell my&nbsp;ignorance about how far some of the people who contributed to building the culture&nbsp;in which I was born actually made it. Fuck cultural disconnection.</p>

<p>Thank for giving me an opportunity to gather my thoughts on this and clarify my motives. I hope it can be of interest to you as well, and I&#39;d love to hear feedback on this ;)<br />
<br />
Pax tibi.</p>

Edit : upon re-reading my message, I'm getting a lot of that nice nose-popping haha !
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 12:00 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Yeah, I feel you, and it seems perfectly valid. I just don't have the same need. When people get into long intellectual discussions about concepts in the dharma, I usually get bored. I often say that language isn't my language. Lots of my processing, even the conscious processing, takes place on a pre-linguistic level. I think that has to do with being autistic. I think in textures and other sensory impressions that are linked and overlayed in intricate ways.

If I will ever teach the dharma, which I have no plans for at the moment, I'll probably teach people who think more like me. There aren't many teachers like that. Probably not many students either, but those who do think like me most likely have a hard time finding someone who speaks their language. I have no intention whatsoever to engage in long and intricate theoretical teachings. Even in my research at the University, I am an empiricist. 

I have never thought about Husserl and company being awakened. I really have no idea, but why would they? Kirkegaard does not strike me as someone who had recuced his suffering. Not Camus either. The thought has popped up about Parfit, though, but I haven't read that much of him so that is too much to say. I think awakening by way of intellectual reasoning is probably at least very unusual. I don't think it's that common to reach arahantship within a year from reading a dharma book either, even if it is a great one.

I find it likely that Jesus was awakened, but even though I live in a country that has had hundreds of years of Christian tradition, that is not the original roots here, and it's a secularized society, and I don't have any relationship to Christian mystics. I don't understand why they would be closer to me than anything else. I'll use the tech that I find works for me, and I find that the Buddhist framework really works. 

I enjoyed reading your post, though, and I look forward to reading more about your findings. 

As for names, any of them is fine. 
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 12:56 PM
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I'm definitely not suggesting that anyone should change something about their practice. Keep at it emoticon

edit : yeah, this is more a question of cultural appropriation than anything in my mind, I guess, so not at all about personal practice, just to be clear.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:38 PM
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When those who have the "birthright" to a tradition actually want for it to be spread, I gratefully accept the generous gift and do my best to honor it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:54 PM
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By the way, were you content with my reply to your questions somewhat earlier here in my log?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:48 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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The last few days my practice has been uninspired and dull. I feel disconnected. During the Easter I haven't gotten around to doing much yoga. That may be one reason. I have now booked as many classes as I could (yes, in Swedish small towns we can still take yoga classes in spite of the covid-19, but as they have limited the number of participants, the classes get full very quickly). I think I need to go out in the nature to connect with the elements as well. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 2:49 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I added 40 minutes of earth kasina to the Ligmincha practice to see if that would help connecting me. I often have a lack of earth. I don't think that was the case now, as the stability was prone to tipping over into dullness. 

Getting an after image from the clay tray is easy, but it doesn't evolve as easily as fire kasina. The after image is mainly just the opposite color (bluegreen). Sometimes it momentarily shifted color into something golden, but it wasn't stable. There were instances of a finger print pattern. The disc often dissolved like an effervescent tablet after a while. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 3:22 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I then tried fire kasina for 20 minutes. That felt more nourishing for the time being, so maybe I should connect more to both outer and inner fire for a while. The red dot was strong and clear and long-lasting and went through some evolving. Nothing particularly fancy, but it seemed to have potential. I see a red dot now when I'm trying to write, so maybe I should continue for a while. 

When I tried earth kasina I felt cold and dull. When I tried fire kasina I got thirsty. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 3:46 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Another 20 minutes of fire kasina. Detailed and lively dot, then black disc. Lots of nose popping. It is much easier to breath now. The nada sound is loud. Fire element it is. 

Time to go to sleep. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:03 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Less disconnected today. Did 45 minutes of fire kasina and then some guru yoga. Now there is more awareness. Bringing that with me as I work. My goal today is to notice the disconnection as it arises and reconnect. 
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:09 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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What's left? Are you done yet?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:12 AM
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Oh, of course I'm not done. I don't think I even have third path. That effing center still thinks it's there most of the time, thus restricting access to the field of awareness.
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:18 AM
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Is it the same as your previous centre?  Or is it different somehow?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:26 AM
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Well, I'm not overly impressed with it at the moment. I certainly hope there is more to it than this. I don't know how to compare. It's all so transient. I don't remember if it used to seem that transient. 

I had another of those partial collapses of space today during the fire kasina. At least that reminded of previous experiences. 
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:28 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Well, I'm not overly impressed with it at the moment. 
 No further comment. You know what to do.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:50 AM
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Yeah... I know what to do, but I don't know how, but I don't think I need to know. It will happen. It just can't help but unfolding. In the meantime, I'm going to have fun. 

I have been talking to Dream Walker. I like that. He seems a bit frustrated, though, because nobody can tell you how to get to third. I don't think there is a way to tell anyone that. Some pointers, sure, but nothing more specific. I think that if it were possible to tell someone, then it would be pretty crappy. It will reveal itself on its own when it's ripe. He compared it to walking around with a stick hitting the treas to make the ripe apples fall, which would not make the green apples ripe. Yeah, of course hitting the trees won't make the apples ripe. They have to ripen on their own. Climbing the top of the trees won't make the apples ripe either. There is no way to make the apples ripen ahead of time. We can only provide sufficient nourishment and protection from damage. (There are of course industrial apples that are made to ripen ahead of their time, but that's not the kind of apple I'm going for.)
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:56 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I think you are a bit different Linda. (Surprise surpise!). It is more common to clean out the perceptual processes so you can root up the ignorance. But in your case, I think you have rooted up the ignorance so now you can clean out the perceptual processes. All you need to do is give yourself the same advice you would give somebody else ....

But also, I found something pretty good at this point to be deep mindfulness for a few days, and then per Shargrol's advice just sitting and allowing myself to be me, and observing for 30 minutes.  You probably have the equivalent of the deep mindfulness already. Can you just sit in your patio for 30 minutes a day and just be you - no formal meditation, just sitting, without giving in to distraction?  It's NOT easy at all to do this.

M.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 8:01 AM
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That sounds about right, although I did no such thing. Sambhogakaya already knew, and it communicates. (And at the same time, it doesn't know or do anything, as it is also the Dharmakaya, and it is the done and known, as it is also the Nirmanakaya).

Oh, the non-responsive mode of just being? I know what it is. I can't claim that I can always do it, but I have certainly done it. As a child I did it a lot. That was deemed pathological. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 9:34 AM
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Maybe you guys had to learn that, but I had to unlearn it, which involved a serious amount of trauma. And now I need to relearn it and undo the trauma. I'm supposed to just ignore the trauma because it's not really there, I'm being told. Yeah, well, maybe not-I not-need to not-grive that totally unnecessary not-trauma for a not-while first. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 2:54 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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curious:

But also, I found something pretty good at this point to be deep mindfulness for a few days, and then per Shargrol's advice just sitting and allowing myself to be me, and observing for 30 minutes.  You probably have the equivalent of the deep mindfulness already. Can you just sit in your patio for 30 minutes a day and just be you - no formal meditation, just sitting, without giving in to distraction?  It's NOT easy at all to do this.


Yes, I can, and I quite like it, ney, I love it. However, this is what I call Dzogchen. Does this mean that I have misunderstood Dzogchen?
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 2:56 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
curious:

But also, I found something pretty good at this point to be deep mindfulness for a few days, and then per Shargrol's advice just sitting and allowing myself to be me, and observing for 30 minutes.  You probably have the equivalent of the deep mindfulness already. Can you just sit in your patio for 30 minutes a day and just be you - no formal meditation, just sitting, without giving in to distraction?  It's NOT easy at all to do this.


Yes, I can, and I quite like it, ney, I love it. However, this is what I call Dzogchen. Does this mean that I have misunderstood Dzogchen?
 Dunno.  But can you make this a semi-permanent default waking state?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 3:00 PM
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Yes. But it will take some time.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:13 AM
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Now I'm having weird mini-explosions (?) inside the skull at the top of my head, somewhat to the left, while reading an academic text out loud and trying to engage with the content while at the same time remaining aware that the engaging is just something that happens on its own. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 11:53 AM
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Something has changed about perception. The world moves around me like it did when I was a kid. I had finally gotten used to the ground being still. This is nauseating. 

edit: but it sure makes some yoga positions much easier. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 6:43 PM
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I seem to have gotten myself some of that mania shaktipat. I'm trying to sleep but keep seeing fireworks and the nada sound is roaring. Maybe I'll stay up for Mukti's live broadcast at 3:00 am then. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:54 AM
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Listening to Mukti caused sensations of intense heat in the heart chakra for some reason. Then, tapping into her calm, I fell asleep. I relistened to the broadcast in the morning, after too few hours of sleep, and it was great, but I fell asleep again. I'll listen to the last part of her session later today, because it is gold. She speaks my language, talking about energetically feeling stuff. If I ever get into serious difficulties with energetic pain or other energetic stuff, she's the one I'll contact (for all other spiritual emergencies, Daniel would be the first one to call). So far I haven't needed it. I am curious about what she would be able to teach me, though. 

Doing the 30 minutes non-meditation/Dzogchen on an empty stomach and before the ADHD medication kicked in wasn't ideal. Distracting thoughts did not immediately self-liberate. There were moments of strong presence, though, without a "just me" to be, so I can see that this is the way to centerlessness. I intend to keep doing this, ideally more than once a day (including shorter sessions that can easily be squeezed in) but with a minimum of 30 unbroken minutes. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 6:52 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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One of the listeners calling into the Mukti broadcast described something that sounded very similar to my experience of the lovemaking between emptiness and awareness, although the way she framed it, she seemed to be bothered by the lack of control over it. She called it ascensions and descensions, so first I thought she was talking about what I used to call expansions and contractions and that used to bother me because the contractions involved so much tension. Mukti replied in a way that makes me think that she made a very similar interpretation. Her recommendations were then both to tap into the stillness and to connect to energies that balance each other, just like I have been doing, because she thought that the caller had had her energetic field opened up without having enough of a connection with the stillness to balance it. When the caller explained further, she described very similar qualities as that cosmic lovemaking nondual absorption, and then Mukti said that it was a good sign and recommended the caller to find pleasure in the experience. 

To another caller who had energetic pain, she recommended no poking.

I love Mukti. 

---

I'm sitting in a meadow full of wood anemones, taking in the outer elements. If I feel like it, I will also go to a pond nearby, to add water to the mix (all the others are available in abundance). I did the same thing yesterday before yoga class. It helps me to reconnect with inner stillness. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 9:46 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Heh, I almost forgot: Mukti has a background in Advaita, and apparently she finds that it resonates well with the zen-Buddhisms she also works within. I would trust her as a teacher. 

---

I didn't go to that pond but instead a payed a short visit to a set of rocks with marks from glacial action when the inland ice melted at the end of the ice age. That kind of ground is often the safest bet of finding the kind of vibrational energy that feels so good within walking distance in a town, I find, probably because it has been left relatively untouched when the surrounding environment has been manipulated over and over again. I know that there is no ultimate truth to that kind of energy, but there is no ultumate truth to paying taxes either and yet I find it meaningful to pay them. Tapping into energies is an important tech for my wellbeing, and it increases the degree of connection in my meditation practice. 

There have been non-dual whiffs during the day. Like seeing a horse and instantly having the whole package of sensations that comes with it, not only how it would feel to touch it and how it would smell and the sounds it makes, or the sense of its movements when riding it (not that I have done much horseback riding), but also the sense of how it feels to have that posture and move my body like the horse, and the feeling of having my hooves firmly placed on the ground. 

There have also been brief clicks in my head, the kind that doesn't feel like paranasal cavities popping open (well, I have that too) or like sudden shifts in mental states but still doesn't come close to that very special feeling of coming back from an impermanence door fruition. It's more like new synapses are forming or something like that. No nausea from walking today. I don't know if the change into perceiving the ground as moving relative to me instead of me moving relative to it (the latter because of the brain's photoshopping) has remained or if it was a temporal thing. It feels like it is back to normal but I'm confused about what normal means (even more so than usually). 

That spot on the top of my head to the left, the one that had like electrical surges yesterday (?), feels warm and sort of activated. The energy channels are open, making breathing very easy. There is a subtle sense of difference in pressure between inside and outside of my head, as if on an air plane. There is a very subtle pressure at the third eye point. I don't believe that energies can really be trapped inside the head, so that doesn't bother me. Besides, I have had the subjective experience before of having the energies project out from the physical body and forming a large spheric field around it, so I know that it is open. 

I don't feel contracted around the heart anymore. Whatever the intense heat in the heart chakra was, I think it did something. 

I'm having trouble getting the touch pad to respond to my fingers again. I seem to have an energetic signature that it can't read properly (it can usually read other people's fingers when I ask them to try). That happens (not only with touch pads). 

It feels like something "wants" to happen. 

Thankyou Malcolm for suggesting to do the non-meditation thing. It was the push I needed to get back to connecting with the dance of the stillness. It is in line with both the Lama Lena teachings and the Ligmincha classes, as well as with what Michael Taft teaches nowadays at SH Dharma Collective and most teachings that I find myself drawn to. It is all too easy to get busy with the other parts of the teachings, but this is the most essential part. 
T, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 10:06 AM
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Hi Linda!

I understand you're into energy tapping/feeling/sensing from your writing elsewhere. Is it just me or is there some weirdness going down right now? Both on the forum, and generally. 

T.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:07 PM
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T:
Hi Linda!

I understand you're into energy tapping/feeling/sensing from your writing elsewhere. Is it just me or is there some weirdness going down right now? Both on the forum, and generally. 

T.

I am no authority with regard to this, and honestly, I have been very sceptical about that kind of reports so I have no idea what is said about this on a larger scale. I haven't had any systematic training. I just feel stuff and pick up stuff, like some others also seem to do, and I can sometimes affect others in a way that I can't explain (usually during a strong A&P). And I observe things happening in interactions, just like you. I can't always tell which is which, as I depend on intuition in large parts of my daily life (my subconscious processing tends to know stuff before the rest of me does). I believe that people who tune into each other in interaction - even at a distance on an online forum - can affect each other also energetically, especially if they are all sensitive to that. Right now, with so many people being in isolation due to the corona virus, people rely on online communication more than usually. There is also a large-scale trauma affecting us globally. That is bound to stir up energies. Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche says he thinks that the universe is telling us to connect with inner stillness and that the nature needs a break. Obviously many people have a hard time connecting to stillness during lockdown, so regardless of whether or not the Rinpoche is right, there are restless and anxious vibes in the air. I'm mainly avoiding (other) social media nowadays so I don't know if such vibes are apparent there too. I'd guess that there is chaos in some corners of the internet, but that's no surprise. I'd also guess that people at this forum, despite often being good at expressing themselves diplomatically, are more sensitive to vibes than the average, causing us to seek. As stabilizing as a spiritual practice can ideally be, as we know, it can also have the opposite effect, so I can see how we could as a community be vulnerable to energetic influences. 

I don't think it's just you. It's like the energy signatures are magnified, and people affect each other more than usually, for good and for bad. The neighbourhood where I live feels surprisingly calm, though. I don't think that the global trauma has quite taken root here. The weather sometimes has sort of an energetic quality, but I can't say that it's more than normally. So I don't know about the world any more than you do. Probably less. I choose my influences very carefully. With regard to the forum, well, you have seen it too. There are ripples. And it can probably be explained without any reference to energies. It's just that for me the energetic lens is what resonates most with my subjective experience, so for me it feels most authentic to talk about it that way, even though it admittedly makes me sound like some new age witch wannabe.  

Sorry that I can't answer any better than that. 
T, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:32 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I hadn't considered new age witch, but the idea is fun. 

It's a good enough answer for me! I have a job that I am still out interacting with the public-at-large regularly. Cabin fever is getting to a lot of people. I just found the energy here to be curious, too. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:36 PM
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It sure is. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:40 AM
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T:

I just found the energy here to be curious, too. 

And it keeps getting even more screwed-up. What the hell is happening? 
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Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:22 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

And it keeps getting even more screwed-up. What the hell is happening? 

Since everything is interconnected, I suppose it's not surprising that the stress of the world regarding the virus is bleeding into this community as well. But yeah, it's a little odd, this is probably the largest spike of dukkha i've seen on this board so far, though I wasn't here for that actualism thing.  emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:34 PM
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Yeah... I'm grateful that I missed that one. 

I remember that there was a time when I was about to check out meditation methods and I ran into a thread on a forum that made me postpone it for another decade or so. I don't think it was here, because it was a battle between transcendental meditation and "Buddhist meditation" (as if that were one tradition, haha) and they were all convinced about perfected emotion control (and apparently all sucked at it). 
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Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:50 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

they were all convinced about perfected emotion control (and apparently all sucked at it). 

One of the things i'm glad I read in MCTB was the section on the various models, and how the idea of emotional perfection doesn't necessarily line up with realization (or possibly exist at all). I try to be polite and open in my interactions with others, but i'm aware that at various points i've bypassed, done virtue signalling, acted like my shit don't stink, etc. We're all human, and the less we acknowledge that the more the shadow sides can do their thing.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:00 PM
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Yes, that section is very important. Acknowledging our shadow sides is key, indeed.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:11 PM
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I laid down to rest and let awareness do what it wanted, and that led to some glimpses of something less conceptualized with centerlessness and strong presence and few distinctions at play. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:03 AM
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Linda, it struck me last night as i was falling asleep that i have joked at least twice lately about suffering from Tourette's Syndrome. A mention from you of the tics, et al, made me wake up on the subject, just a tiny bit, and i now realize i owe you and all sufferers of that very real condition a giant fucking apology. I had been thinking the joke was on me, and that it meant, basically, "Yeah, i am a foul-mouthed piece of shit who will say anything." But what that usage of the term means in that so-called humor's metamessage is that people suffering from Tourette's are foul-mouthed pieces of shit who will say anything. Which is of course almost certainly the exact opposite of the truth, across the board; any actual sufferer of Tourette's is 1) intent on learning to live with or treat the spasmodic physical disruptions in their lives, and most of the verbal manifestations of the actual condition are actually unintelligible noises called, technically "tics"; and 2) in fact, many researchers now believe that there may be latent advantages associated with an individual's genetic vulnerability to developing Tourette syndrome that may have adaptive value, such as heightened awareness and increased attention to detail and surroundings. It is speculated, for instance, that Mozart suffered from Tourette's.

It is indeed i who am a foul-mouthed piece of shit. there was nothing funny in these instances of my ignorant efforts at humor, and there is no excuse for it. Please forgive me, and feel free to educate my unwoke ass by any skillful means that come to your sure hand. T may have a keisaku handy, i'm sure he'll let you use it.

love, tim
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:34 AM
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Thankyou, Tim! I had already forgiven you, but I appreciate that (mundane but still great) realization. Tourette's is still very stigmatized and the activism among ticcers is merely in its cradle as internalized shame is still so predominating. Living with Tourette's is extremely draining. Or it was. 

My take on Tourette's is that it is both a magnifying glass on the dukkha and an increased sensitivity to noticing the dissolution of the self and the world resulting in contractions/grasping as the ego's defense mechanism. I have noticed that when I can let go of ticcing, stuff dissolves.

As someone with Tourette's, I find it fascinating that people often have such a hard time noticing sensations in their body. I never had that problem. I always feel a great variety of sensations at the soles of my feet when I walk and at the same time I feel the touch of my clothes on every inch of my skin and the touch of the wind. That's the minimum baseline while I go about doing stuff. I can't imagine how it would be not to feel that. 

There is a great fictional depiction of a character with Tourette's in the book Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem. I can't vouch for the movie version, though, because I haven't seen it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tourette's is still very stigmatized and the activism among ticcers is merely in its cradle as internalized shame is still so predominating. Living with Tourette's is extremely draining. Or it was. 

My take on Tourette's is that it is both a magnifying glass on the dukkha and an increased sensitivity to noticing the dissolution of the self and the world resulting in contractions/grasping as the ego's defense mechanism. I have noticed that when I can let go of ticcing, stuff dissolves.

As someone with Tourette's, I find it fascinating that people often have such a hard time noticing sensations in their body. I never had that problem. I always feel a great variety of sensations at the soles of my feet when I walk and at the same time I feel the touch of my clothes on every inch of my skin and the touch of the wind. That's the minimum baseline while I go about doing stuff. I can't imagine how it would be not to feel that. 


That is so cool, your pre-sensitization to certain things like that, for meditation practice. I am typically dulled-out and numb, sensate-wise, as i am learning from the lack of much news from between my thumbs in sits right now.

There is a great fictional depiction of a character with Tourette's in the book Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem. I can't vouch for the movie version, though, because I haven't seen it. 

I think i had a bit of Tourette's on my mind lately, and was prone to my error, because i am (re-)reading Neal Stephenson's The Confusion, a vast philosophical comedy, which has a character, a Portugese sailor, who is depicted as a profoundly compulsive foul-mouthed truth teller of truly heroic stature, and, Stephenson indicates at various points, is also somehow Patient Zero for Tourette's, historically speaking, which i haven't quite figured out, since Tourette's groundbreaking study was published in 1885, and this novel is set circa 1689.I have found one of my tourette's mentions and edited it to my new standard. If you spot the other allusion in your travels, give me the coordinates if you wish and i'll do the appropriate edit there too. emoticon



b
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 12:50 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I've got to say that it took me some time and a lot of frustration to feel what that exercise is designed to illustrate. One reason was that I had just started to tap into a broader awareness, which doesn't function like attention does, and the exercise is about investigation attention. However, the main reason was that it was difficult to focus so singlepointedly with remaining alertness. I was prone to both distraction and dullness.

Actually, this makes me realize: I owe Chris a great deal for that exercise, because the dullness I experienced from it made me take up yoga again, and more systematically than ever before. Getting some physical exercise was Chris's idea. At that time I had severe histamine reactions even from minimal physical strain. If I walked up a staircase, I'd lose my voice for a week. I was suffering from chronic fatigue. I even had a mattress on the kitchen floor so I could lie down while cooking food. I had been trying to cure myself with exercise and it had only gotten worse. I did some very light zumba classes together with seniors. Some of the seniors took three classes in a row. If I endured more than half a class, I would get some really strange bodily reactions (I have now realized that they were Kundalini-related, like many others things I have gone through) and a rapid development of stomach flue. It resembled the beginning of anafylactic shock, but it never developed into anything dangerous, and according to tests, it seemed to be something else. I was extremely sensitive even to walking. Thus, getting exercise was easier said than done. I did have positive experiences from yoga, though. That seemed to be the only physical strain that my body could tolerate. So I found myself a yoga studio that was close enough for me to actually go there and started doing yoga at a frantic rate. I felt that I couldn't afford having all that brain fog if I were to meditate. And wow, what a difference it made. I no longer have chronic fatigue. I don't suffer from brain fog anymore. It also helped with other energetic symptoms. This is why I still take yoga classes in the midst of the corona pandemic. It is my lifeline. Thankyou Chris! 

Actually, the way you make long association chains and the rapidness of it, and the vibes around it, you kind of remind me of people with Tourette. That's a compliment. Also, bipolar and Tourette's tend to coexist within families. As far as I know, there is a genetic connection. Many years ago I read that there was a hypothesis that the same genes that led to bipolar disorder in some family members, led to Tourette's in others. It may have been an epigenetic thing. I haven't followed up on that report, though. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:39 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I did 15 minutes of fire kasina while waiting for my supper to be ready. The red dot was sharp, vivid, detailed and longlasting. Its halos were very distinct. After the dot had gotten black (more a black dot than a black disc), it changed colors and shape and did some spiraling/spinning.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:20 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I bow to the Lord of Compassion.
Bless me not to awaken before I have locked in sufficient degrees of human decency, compassion and skillful means while I still believe in choices. 
Bless me to always have skillful intentions, regardless of subjective sense of agency. 
Bless me not to spiritually bypass.
Bless me never to patronize someone for caring.
Om Ah Hung So Ha.
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:44 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Wonderful words. Never lose touch with your humanity. Well, maybe you might have a tenous connection at some times, as the dharma purfies you, and you echo around frames of reference.  But that should be temporary.  It will still be there, waiting to unfold as the greatest expression of the dharma.

It's so weird that some people use partial insights to erase the meaning of their humanity.  The true insight is that humanity is far more amazing than we ever really appreciated before. What an amazing universe, to allow the light of awareness and power of love and compassion to come into being. That is an even more incredible phenomena than a supernova.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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And that's why I call you my teacher.

In fact, it is my highest priority when looking for a teacher. That was the case from the beginning, and if that should change, I seriously hope that people around me will protest and punch me on the nose if necessary, or even lock me up. 

It really is incredible, isn't it? I feel sorry for those who miss out on that. And yes, it is only partial insight that makes people deny their humanity, isn't it? I'm so grateful that I have had the glimpses that I have had, already at this stage, because they made such a deep impact that I can't see myself denying them completely even during disorienting times of purification. At least that's my hope. 
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Thank you Linda.  emoticon  I don't think you are at risk.  You already accept that all fabricated things pass away.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:19 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I'll keep praying, just in case. Better safe than not-sorry. Holy fucking shit, I actually thought I wouldn't have to see such self-satisfied (!) indifference here. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:40 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Okay, that rapidly took care of fear, misery, disgust and desire for deliverance. I'll pass on this reobservation and relax with an apocalypse series on netflix and some popcorn instead. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:45 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I bow to the Lord of Compassion.
Bless me not to awaken before I have locked in sufficient degrees of human decency, compassion and skillful means while I still believe in choices. 
Bless me to always have skillful intentions, regardless of subjective sense of agency. 
Bless me not to spiritually bypass.
Bless me never to patronize someone for caring.
Om Ah Hung So Ha.
Om Ah Hung So HA. Amen.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:51 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:51 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Tim Farrington:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I bow to the Lord of Compassion.
Bless me not to awaken before I have locked in sufficient degrees of human decency, compassion and skillful means while I still believe in choices. 
Bless me to always have skillful intentions, regardless of subjective sense of agency. 
Bless me not to spiritually bypass.
Bless me never to patronize someone for caring.
Om Ah Hung So Ha.
Om Ah Hung So HA. Amen.

Thankyou!
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:31 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I woke up in fear. Terrified. I'm scared to even read that fucking thread. If I find out that the view that people's lives are as unsignificant as the lives of fictional characters is widely legitimized and normalized as an ultimate "insight", then I need to get out of here, and that would be a personal catastrophy in my fucking so called non-life. 

I'm also horrified that maybe this is how terry interpreted me, and what made him react so strongly. If so, I'm fuckin' hurt. 

And I'm terrified of transforming into someone who non-thinks like that. Please let me die instead, if those are the only alternatives!

A more rational voice says that the fact that I react so strongly to this indicates that the universe will continue to unfold in a way that lets me care. But a much louder voice screams "What if the path is a recepy for psychopathology?!" And so I need to remind myself of all the compassionate realized people (yes, people!, but of course it is not really the person that is realized, but fucking language is designed that way) that I also know exist in the relative world. Any reminders of this here in my log are most welcome. And if someone feels the need to make this into a debate here in my log, then go fuck your fucking nonself! 
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:38 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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No Linda, existence is the most amazing grace.  The most miraculous incredible thing.  It is not unexpected to find the insights tough at times. Hence - better not to start - but if you start, better to finish.  Or to put it another way, take refuge in Uncle Sid.

You are safe, and worthwhile, and loved, and you are a miracle.  As are we all.

Metta.  And time now for metta.

Malcolm 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:50 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Thankyou! I needed that.

I just saw antisemist propaganda in the name of the dharma and I'm officially freaking out. 

Before I started my daily practice, this is exactly the sort of situation that would have triggered a seizure. I can't escape into that anymore.

Hm, weird, that thought just made me very calm. It feels like something is pushing its way out of my head, and I know that there is enough inner stillness to balance it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 12:54 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:

Hm, weird, that thought just made me very calm. It feels like something is pushing its way out of my head, and I know that there is enough inner stillness to balance it. 

I have been noticing something that I can't quite put my finger on since that shift today. It's like I notice that there is still openness happening in the midst of fucking freaking out. Even when physical contractions are happening very tangibly, because I'm ticcing frantically (muscle tensions in feet and stomach), there is energetic openness. I can feel kinesthetically that the energy channels are open. Exactly how is hard to say, and I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it feels like the universe is telling me that it is safe to have strong human feelings and open up to centerless at the same time, that it doesn't have to be one or the other. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:02 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I woke up in fear. Terrified. I'm scared to even read that fucking thread. If I find out that the view that people's lives are as unsignificant as the lives of fictional characters is widely legitimized and normalized as an ultimate "insight", then I need to get out of here, and that would be a personal catastrophy in my fucking so called non-life. 

I'm also horrified that maybe this is how terry interpreted me, and what made him react so strongly. If so, I'm fuckin' hurt. 

And I'm terrified of transforming into someone who non-thinks like that. Please let me die instead, if those are the only alternatives!


Linda, Fear is fine, a well-designed stage of insight to be passed through regulary, arriving at its arisal without effort, living with it without hurry, and finally seeing it without fear, that paradox that may be close to why the language gets so screwy so fast: fearless seeing of fear arising and passing.

A more rational voice says that the fact that I react so strongly to this indicates that the universe will continue to unfold in a way that lets me care. But a much louder voice screams "What if the path is a recepy for psychopathology?!" 

Uh, i hear that scream a lot. But i'm not much help here, am I? lol. My practice log doubles as a journal of bipolar rollercoastering possibly exacerbated by my meditation, AMA. The funny thing is--- a funny thing is--- one of my own best tricks of the trade is to say to myself, "Okay, clearly, the path is a recipe for psychopatholoy, it may even just be one long inner subterranean restructing of the defense systems inherent to the human psyche until your defenses finally get so good and polished that you are able to declare yourself humanly impervious and start fucking up other people's lives for a living. But if i just go a little slower, my continually crystallizing, ever-more subtly reinforced protective systems pass into dissolution. That just comes, through practice: that shit dissolves. Dissolution solves the fear here, for me, rather than fear follwoing the realization of the nana of dissolution. I sort of like being dissolved, if inhumanity is the solution, i like the dis-solution."

I think you have a fondness for "dissolution" yourself, i've heard you say a lot of things along those lines.

And so I need to remind myself of all the compassionate realized people (yes, people!, but of course it is not really the person that is realized, but fucking language is designed that way) that I also know exist in the relative world. Any reminders of this here in my log are most welcome.


And compassionate unrealized actual people!

And if someone feels the need to make this into a debate here in my log, then go fuck your fucking nonself! 

fellow visitors to Linda's practice journal, that was her just then, not me. Seriously.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 3:41 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Yes, I really like that stuff dissolves, but I also like that they come into being. And dissolve. And come into being. And dissolve. And come into being. That's the cosmic lovemaking. 

Yes, compassionate non-realized people too, of course. It's just that at the moment it is the not caring in realized people that scares the crap out of me. 

Yup, that was me. That's how the universe unfolds, as me telling spiritual bypassers to go fuck their fucking nonselves. 

edited to add: I was touched by your standing up for me and de-gaslighting me in that thread. I have faith that you will retain your humanity, but I promise that if I ever see you at risk of losing it, I will personally punch your nose, albeit most likely only verbally. Please promise me to do the same for me. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:28 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
I promise that if I ever see you at risk of losing your humanity, I will personally punch your nose, albeit most likely only verbally.  
I will hold you mto that, thogh you may use nonverbal mwans as well, with my full blessing. Anything beyond killing me might be over the line. So let's say, up to and including killing me. There have to be limits, we all know that.

Please promise me to do the same for me.

I don't know. You scare the shit out of me. I mean, I will do my best, i do promise that. I might be able to work up to tearing you a very small new asshole. Is that enough?
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:40 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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No killing. Let's not give up on each other, okay? I scare the shit out of you, so you will comply, and I can take a hint - and I find that one asshole is quite enough for the whole disposing of organic waste thing, so... I think we're good. emoticon

But really? I'm harmless. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:54 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
No killing. 
Spoilsport.

Let's not give up on each other, okay?


I'm a Marine Corps brat. Marines die saving other Marines. That's just how it is.

I scare the shit out of you,

Let it be acknowledged in full.

so you will comply,

yes, i am your love slave.

and I can take a hint -


that's what i said--- i am your love slave. that is called a hint.

and I find that one asshole is quite enough 

No, you said you were polyamorous.

so...


haaammmmm. . .

I think we're good. 

That's as good as it gets, then. 

     "emoticon"

emoticon

But really? I'm harmless. 


the fuck you say. You're as dangerous as they come.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:08 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I needed that hearty laughter. Thanks! But seriously, as a love slave you really need to learn that it's not all about penetrating as many holes as possible. Also, there are usually more holes than individuals involved, so it's not like there is a shortage. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I woke up in the middle of the night again, having the feeling of evaporating and then being drawn into embodiment again, back and forth over and over again. It wasn't overwhelmingly amazing this time. It just felt... normal. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:19 PM
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It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:24 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:24 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Tim Farrington:

It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon
Sure! That's the key. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:32 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:32 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tim Farrington:

It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon
Sure! That's the key. 

You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.

In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:37 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Tim Farrington:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tim Farrington:

It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon
Sure! That's the key. 

You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.

In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.

I did both. (Keeping the context of it, as you like it.)

I can assure you, there was a very hearty smile of recognition over here. I embrace my weirdness. Normality is overrated.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:45 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tim Farrington:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tim Farrington:

It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon
Sure! That's the key. 

You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.

In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.

I did both. (Keeping the context of it, as you like it.)

I can assure you, there was a very hearty smile of recognition over here. I embrace my weirdness. Normality is overrated.

And I also instantly pondered the humor in instantly seeing the vipassana side of that comment. It's fucking hillarious. 

For a moment I thought that maybe I'm also in manic lucidity. Then I realized that this is actually my normal. 

Except when it's not.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:54 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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okay, now we're freaking me out, there's some kind of temporal dislocation, answers arriving before questions, things you couldn't know leading to to laugh at jokes that have't been told yet, etc.

I know, i know! "Normal."

My head has exploded and filled all space with the petals of blown flowers.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:57 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Tim Farrington:
okay, now we're freaking me out, there's some kind of temporal dislocation, answers arriving before questions, things you couldn't know leading to to laugh at jokes that have't been told yet, etc.

I know, i know! "Normal."

My head has exploded and filled all space with the petals of blown flowers.

You have a way with words, my dear.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:00 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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You pick up much more of what I'm communicating than most do.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:38 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
You pick up much more of what I'm communicating than most do.
(edit) Well, if I picked up any more, I think it might obliterate me.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:37 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Tim Farrington:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
You pick up much more of what I'm communicating than most do.

That's not saying much, no offense to anyone.

True. But it's very reassuring when someone does pick up on it, because I often find myself wondering whether I was just imagining communicating. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:39 AM
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Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:47 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tim Farrington:
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Tim Farrington:

It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon
Sure! That's the key. 

You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.

In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.

I did both. (Keeping the context of it, as you like it.)
Wow! Your humor is drier than mine. I have much to learn here.

I only prefer enough context to keep a balance with the danger and cost of misunderstanding. If I were anticipating a full on red-zone dharma battle ground melee here, i would even ask that you keep the entire post together with the fullest use of reply-with-quote, even if it starts taking five minutes to scroll down to the working bottom of a mile high stream of single letters on the lines.

I believe that is what you mean by "as you like." I thought i had only done it with people where i suspected i might lose my, uh, decorum, and it makes the moderator's job easier in those instances. i can well imagine using it in a context where i thought an prolonged exchange might clarify something, even without danger of bloodshed, as a transcript the person could consider as a whole and maybe see something.

I just realized you probably didn't even mean the whole box-within-a-box full-on type of context, but were addressing my deep appreciation of context, context, context in general.

You make me feel so slow sometimes. I spend a certain amount of time lately realizing sometime later that i missed your point spectacularly, and went on and on time belaboring points you had done the math on invisibly and easily even before anything was said at all, while missing the elephant in the living room you had actually pointed out.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:56 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Now I actually laughed out loud. Yes, I have a very dry humor. People often miss it. I find that subtleties can be hillarious. 

Yes, I meant context in general. And I kind of wanted to keep the dialogue intact for the art of it. And I had fun in the absurdity of building that wall of text, as if we would need it.

When a manic person says I make him feel slow, that says something. See now why I might be risky business?

At least you see that you missed the elephant in the room. Most people don't.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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You edited your post while i was replying to it, didn't you? There was a discontinuity. Are you trying to make me crazy? Good job! Good fucking job! I'm crazy as a fucking loon! Are you happy? (I am sort of happy.)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:02 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:02 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Tim Farrington:
You edited your post while i was replying to it, didn't you? There was a discontinuity. Are you trying to make me crazy? Good job! Good fucking job! I'm crazy as a fucking loon! Are you happy? (I am sort of happy.)


That's very possible. I have a tendency to impulsively push the publish button too soon. Sorry! I don't remember. I am happy, though, but not because of that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:13 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:13 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Uhm... Are you okay?
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:31 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Uhm... Are you okay?

Yeah, i just did my first sit of the day here.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:34 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Now that's fast. Jumping from the flow of a highly synched conversation right into a focused meditation. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:27 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:27 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
It's just dependent origination, one thought leading to another. Sometimes there's a synch in that. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 12:14 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 12:14 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
Tim Farrington:

It just felt... normal. 

lol, but consider the source of that feeling of . . . normality.

emoticon

Only at DhO: getting perspicacious reality checks from someone who is in the midst of fullblown mania. *smiling warmly*
To that I can now also add finding one(not)self confiding in a self-proclaimed narcissist who turns out to be a compassionate listener with great respect and sensitivity for one's boundaries. I love how this opens up possibilities.

I failed at my attempt to do just sitting for 30 minutes today. First there were itches, then distractive thoughts, then dullness. There was also some very welcome spaciousness intermittently. 

I have spent quite some time "just reclining" after that, resting in direct awareness with a long period without discursive thoughts. Rather early on in the session, there was brightness, which I paid attention to (okay, not just reclining then). If I remember correctly, it faded after a while. Then there was one of those headpops as I let go of a thought in the midst of its arising (this was before the period without discursive thoughts). The pop was followed by brightness and a strong sense of presence. Then I just kept dwelling in that. It was pleasant. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:10 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda:

Only at DhO: getting perspicacious reality checks from someone who is in the midst of fullblown mania. *smiling warmly*

To that I can now also add finding one(not)self confiding in a self-proclaimed narcissist who turns out to be a compassionate listener with great respect and sensitivity for one's boundaries. I love how this opens up possibilities.


Linda, I am not going to flag this--- i don't know what "perspicacious" means, but I am betting it is a name-calling violation. "Midst of a fullblown mania," of course, is your usual perpicacious accuracy on the truth.

i'm betting that [expletive deleted, per DhO forum guidelines] agnostic will flag this though, that self-proclaimed narcissist with a heart of gold that belongs to everyone, since it belongs to No One.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:37 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:37 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Hey, you perspicuous big joker, welcome back! 

The dictionary said that it meant receptive, showing keen insight, so I sure hope it does. 
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:47 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:46 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Hey, you perspicuous big joker, welcome back! 

The dictionary said that it meant receptive, showing keen insight, so I sure hope it does. 

Some call me the gangster of love!

Some People Call Me the Space Cowboy(The Joker) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h66V1hYAjG0

T, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:39 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:39 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Welcome back. I hope you're well and following the sensations wisely in each slow and methodical sit. emoticon
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:50 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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T:
Welcome back. I hope you're well and following the sensations wisely in each slow and methodical sit. emoticon


No, actually I'm having that soup course you've been slurping lately and am ALL FUCKED UP BY BLISS.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 11:32 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 11:32 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
I'm back in stillness after a ride of empathic hypomania (I have a tendency to pick up that kind of stuff, so apparently I have an attachment to it). I don't know if that was the 10.4 nana or if I fled back into pure A&P. Anyway, it was a pleasant hitchhike from the ripple effects of the mindfucking dramas of yesterday. 

I did some guru yoga with warrior seed syllables (yes, I'm doing that routine in spite of the absurdity of visualizing a milky white liquid coming down over me from Taphiritsa who appears to be totally butt-naked in the pictures; in doing it, I'm not visualizing it like that, okay). It started to cut through the very much embodied hypomania. Then I did the inner refuge prayer (also Ligmincha stuff) and then lay down to open up to the inner stillness, the silence and the spaciousness. It was a haven. I fell asleep while retaining lucidity. I was sleep deprived, so that was a blessing. It was very bright for a while, and there was a strong presence. Then I listened to myself snoring for quite some time, just being there with my sleeping body. Then it was bright again. Then there were thoughts, and there was a recognition that the stillness was still with me. 

One of the first thoughts that appeared was that the non-doer paradox is none other than the usual determinism vs free will conundrum, and I concluded 25 years ago that I'm a compatibilistic determinist, and that seems to hold up to phenomenology. I didn't suddenly vaporize like a mirage 25 years ago upon realizing that, so there is no risk that I will now. 

And I recalled a friend of mine telling me about how one of the other students in her anthropology class suddenly rised up from her seat saying "This is all an illusion. None of you exists." She had then walked out from the class never to come back. At least she had the decency not to ask any of her "non-existing" class mates for donations. I guess she had gotten rid of some more fetters.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 3:27 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 3:27 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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In case anyone wonders, Tim is deeply sorry that he acted in such a way that Chris was forced to ban him. In fact, he made me promise to have Chris's back in case anyone would question the decision. Not that I think Chris needs my validation, but I understand that he had to do it and support him in the decision, and I understand that it must have been awfully tough to ban a friend. I had Tim promise to keep me updated on his wellbeing. He will miss all his beloved friends here. I have his email address in case you wish to get in touch with him. 

He swept through the forum like a whirlwind, leaving few untouched, I'd guess. I'll miss him here. 
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Smiling Stone, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 5:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 5:00 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Wow, I missed that part... Thanks for updating!
And I feel like I pressed the wrong button in getting him excited...
Aargh....
Yes, a true whirlwind. I got into his groove as well.
If you can pm me his email, I'll write tomorrow (to bed now)
That's why the dho looks so quiet tonight...
Love
Smiling stone
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Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 7:23 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 7:23 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Best wishes Whirlwind Tim.  Don't stop practicing in your kuti.  I will feel your eyes on the forum and be sending you metta.

Malcolm
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Siavash ', modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 10:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 10:10 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Oh, I feel sad.
Yeah, Whirlwind.
Be safe man,
I'll miss you Tim.

(Thanks for update)
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 5:09 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 5:09 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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The shift in perception, seeing the ground as moving relative to my seeing rather than being photoshopped into stillness, has not settled. I'm back to photoshopping as the default mode. During the yoga class this morning I could however change the perspective back and forth. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 12:59 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 12:59 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I spent some time, maybe a couple of hours, just resting in awareness while reclining. It unfolded as some degree of non-dual absorption without discursive thinking for large parts of it, after a period of unclenching. When discursive thinking appeared again, the body was still resting in direct awareness. I dwelled in that for a little while before I ended the session. 

The unclenching refers to noticing that body parts are clenched up and allowing them to let go. It is weird how some tensions arise over and over again. It is often the shoulders and the neck. I somehow tend to arch my chest upwards and tilt my neck backwards, like in exorcism movies. I also often get painful cramps in my ankles. It seems like that's where blockages move when they are released somewhere else, and then I need to move them to get the tensions out of my system and allow energies to move more freely. 

I have some of those head poppings again. 

I think the kind of work I'm doing now is preparation work. I seem to need it in some parts of the spiraling. It seems like it's a process of alligning the subconscious by using one of its languages, that is, kinesthetic energy work. It is also restful, restoring, nourishing, probably also what is referred to as purification. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 1:40 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 1:33 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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By the way, the fact that I'm right now baking rather than hyperventilating or having a dissociative seizure is a fucking miracle that I'm attributing to my practice. Several of my worst triggers have been pushed over and over again during the last couple of days: nihilism (which legitimizes not giving a damn about people's wellbeing), history revision, manipulative and deceptive behavior, normalization of agendas that deny certain groups of people their human rights, and helplessness because pointing out the latter things is demonized and/or ridiculed. All this still scares the crap out of me, but earlier in my life I would not have been able to function now at all. Oh, well, that depends on when we are talking about. I have been the strong one too, most of the time, actually, but after certain amounts of gaslighting, I seem to have developed PTSD with regard to this. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 4:45 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 4:45 AM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I did not wake up in fear today. I'm catching up with the compassion as for the pain driving it all. I'm pondering the ripple effects of pain and fear and dependent origination and grieving the harm being done in all the ripples. May all beings be free from suffering.

I just had a yoga class. Perception shifted a bit back and forth between perspectives.

I'm not entirely in touch with the spaciousness, but it is there, beyond the samsaric clouds (beyond is not the same thing as behind; phenomenology is futile with regard to this sort of thing).

I'm sitting under a pink fluff of cherry blossom, drinking the beauty of the blossom and of the joy of people passing by who are appreciating the beauty of the cherry blossom. There is a ripple effect to that as well. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 3:36 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 2:34 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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Today's phenomenology is probably a boring read with few details. In the morning there was lucid sleeping. I watched little lights dance around and get centered and turn to brightness and then there was just awareness of sleeping. In the afternoon I treated myself to Michael Taft's latest guided meditation*, which felt great. In the beginning of it (the shamatha part) I had pretty much the exact experiences he was talking about, although I had them before he said it. In the dropping of layer after layer of constructions I don't know if my experiences matched what he was talking about because it was just sounds, not words anymore, for me, for a while. Then I popped back up to conceptualization a bit before he said to do so. In the evening I took a traditional yoga class, and I was back to what I think of as insect-ish perception: there is no up and down, just moving of the surface in relation to my body. I'm not pushing myself away from the floor, but the floor away from me, tilting it. Walking through the spring evening was magickal. I was happy and free in the moment and nothing or nobody could take that away from me. The textures were alive. There was no sadness from separation. I was part of the spring evening. It was breathing through me. 

*edit: no, actually it was the one before the last one.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 3:16 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 3:16 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts
20 minutes of Dzogchen. Discursive thoughts popped up and popped, with head poppings (not cessations). I observed the difference between  what was closer to "pure" mind-mind looking (as Lama Lena calls it) vs the idea of it. There is a kinesthetical difference. The more of an idea it is, the more it feels like the brain contracts. I guess that's the difference between attention and direct awareness. There were intermittent showers of piti - gross compared to the chrystal clear confusion of tawa and the subtle sweetness of the feelings associated with the idea of it. 
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 10:55 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 10:55 PM

RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7

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I meditated some more before falling asleep last night. I suddenly found myself freefalling, and it felt like everything was about to fall apart. There was a startling reaction that made it all come back. Darn. 

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