Polly Ester’s practice log 7 - Discussion
Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/17/20 3:42 PM
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Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/18/20 12:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsFractal cycling is getting more clear. In this reobservation-equanimity-A&P cycling loop, the dominating nana seems to be the subnana of A&P to the reobservation nana. What's that in numbers... 10.4? I recognize this from before SE, but I didn't identify the subnanas back then. It is frantic. Happy-happy but easily distracted and reactive and with lots of tics. If I ever were to develop mania, it would probably be in 10.4. This is why I developed the habit of reclining meditation. I sat for 50 minutes tonight and then lay down, not because I was uncomfortable but because my mind was going heywire. So f-ing hyper! Lying down helps with that. Lying down in my bed, jhanic factors showed up almost immediately. I think I was somewhere inbetween third vipassana jhana and third shamatha jhana. I could then see the subnanas develop. 10.5 was where it was most like shamatha jhana. In 10.6 there was a surge of adrenaline that pulled me up from that depth of still clear water and stirred it around. In 10.7 it was as if that sirring around had also stirred up some mud. In 10.8 there was energetic activity with more fierce vibrations. Then the bell rang. I'm expecting a partner arriving from Stockholm any minute now. I feel a bit guilty (but not that much) because I would really want to continue to meditate.
After leaving the formal practice, it feels like 10.4 is the default nana again. It is an utterly unstable nana, though, so it fluctuates.
I think that before SE when I used to have severe pain in reobservation, this was during the 10.3. That explains why it was piti that took the pain away. The pain disappeared already in 10.4, not in equanimity as I thought.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/18/20 12:24 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/19/20 3:43 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI had a stubborn spiritosomatic headache today. It seems to arise when I feel the urge to meditate more but choose to prioritize differently. I used to think of this as stagnated energy (Kundalini or whatever), which I think in one sense is true but also misleading if I associate that with some power separated from ”me” or within ”me” and yet different from the rest of ”me”. So I asked myself ”Do I really have a headache because energies stagnated as a consequence of not practicing more, or is it because I think I should have practiced more?” After all, energy is intentions and/or beliefs manifesting themselves through the attentional system, or something like that. Thus, the energetic pain is basically a mental blueball phenomenon. That’s just stupid.
I knew this and still couldn’t transcend the pain. That is, until a conversation triggered a memory of when a baby hare mistook one of my cats for its mum and clinged to him for food and comfort. At first he was confused and backed away, which looked very funny. However, later I found the little leveret torn to pieces in my patio. The thought that maybe it thought that it was its mum that did this to it... It breaks my heart. Thinking about this, I felt the kind of nausea that usually means that an insight needs to happen. It was like poisoned mud being stirred up and moving about. I know exactly what to do with that. I deal with it on a strict sensate level. There it is just bubbles arising and popping. So I did, and it dissolved. And what do you know - it took the headache too! Just like that. Just a moment before, the headache was very dense. I could feel the sore points very tangibly, and I could feel it radiating from other points that were stiff. After this dissolving, which took maybe a few seconds, there were no sore points and no stiff points there. It was as if there hadn’t even been any pain there to begin with. The nausea lingered a little while, moving about, and then dissolved too. Then there were lots of clickings and snappings and poppings in my head, making it easier to breath, and that gentle breeze.
It is all so illusory.
And yet one may need to resolve suffering with suffering, just like one needs to resolve a fatty stain with fat, because just letting go is too easy for it to feel possible.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/20/20 5:40 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:57 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe energetic headache revisited a few times. The first time I noticed the though "Why do I still have this headache?", but I rerouted that thought into "Why do I still believe in this headache?" (as something that is solid and mine). That allowed me to see the flow of it and how illusory it is, and it stopped bothering me. I applied that thought every time the headache popped up as something solid, and it worked.
I'm looking into possibilities of going on retreat within Europe.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 6:01 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI still feel like Michael Taft is my teacher, although it was only 10 lessons, so compatibilty with his teachings will probably continue to be a great plus. One of the many reasons I wanted to work with him was that he ties together many different traditions and methods. I want to be able to combine and modify methods in an eclectic way. I want to know what each method does and how it relates to the other ones so that I use every tool for its right purpose. I also want to be able to play with the tools, just not in a way that resembles using a screwdriver as a hammer.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 8:39 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThis is probably my way of visualizing.
It smelled pretty much like fear.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 12:10 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 12:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThis is probably my way of visualizing.
It smelled pretty much like fear.
Just to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.
---
At yoga class today I felt that energetic breeze at the crown chakra again. It seems to appear at the end of the outbreath. The idea of breathing out throught the central channel and through the crown chakra thus seems to correspond with phenomenology.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsJust to be clear: I don't plan to get rid of feelings or preferences. I don't think it is possible while staying alive as a mammal. However, I do think that disentangling some hooks in them is a good thing, as it frees up energy that can be better spent.
A little extract from one of my favourite suttas on this point, with some notes. This is Dhammadinnah schooling her ex-husband, who abandoned her to follow the dharma. She thought, damn it, I will too then. And then totally outpaced him ...
Culavedalla: "Is passion-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all pleasant feeling? Is resistance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all painful feeling? Is ignorance-obsession to be abandoned with regard to all neither-pleasant-nor-painful feeling?"
So do you have to be become completley passionless and totally accepting? The answer is, as you already know ...
Dhammadinnah: "No... There is the case where a monk — quite withdrawn from sensuality, withdrawn from unskillful qualities — enters & remains in the first jhana: rapture & pleasure born from withdrawal, accompanied by directed thought & evaluation. With that he abandons passion. No passion-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk considers, 'O when will I enter & remain in the dimension that those who are noble now enter & remain in?' And as he thus nurses this yearning for the unexcelled liberations, there arises within him sorrow based on that yearning. With that he abandons resistance. No resistance-obsession gets obsessed there. There is the case where a monk, with the abandoning of pleasure & pain — as with the earlier disappearance of elation & distress — enters & remains in the fourth jhana: purity of equanimity & mindfulness, neither pleasure nor pain. With that he abandons ignorance. No ignorance-obsession gets obsessed there."
In other words, you only have to get these insights once. To know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight - and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.
Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta. ANY JHANA WILL DO. Here is an example from the first Jhana (emphasia mine)
https://suttacentral.net/mn64/en/horner
"Whatever is there of material shape, feeling, perception, the habitual tendencies, consciousness—he beholds these things as impermanent, suffering, as a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction, as other, as decay, empty, not-self. He turns his mind from these things; and when he has turned his mind from these things he focuses his mind on the deathless element, thinking: ‘This is the real, this the excellent, that is to say the tranquillising of all the activities, the casting out of all clinging, the destruction of craving, dispassion, stopping, nibbāna. If he is steadfast therein, he achieves destruction of the cankers; if he does not achieve destruction of the cankers, then through his attachment to Dhamma, his delight in Dhamma, through his utter destruction of the five fetters binding to the lower (shore), he is of spontaneous uprising, one who attains nibbāna there, not liable to return from that world"
Apply this teaching to the jhana factors - the piti and ratpure, or to space without boundary, and see what you find.
:-)
Malcolm
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:25 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 1:33 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsSo just be open to this insight if it arrives. Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
T, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 2:15 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 279 Join Date: 1/15/19 Recent PostsAs in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 2:36 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsAs in... you were focusing on this as a means of being aware of these things in the moment - which led to a realization?
Not exactly, I refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space. This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.
The other example was an account I read from the Thai forest tradition, where out of love for all sentient beings a monk offerred up his arm for all the very many mosquitos to feast on. To me, this corresponds exactly with what Dhammadinnah was saying (and what I describe above) about giving up resistance obsession out of yearning for the dharma. But the old words need a bit of modern interpretation to be made clear - which is why we have buddha - dharma - sangha. The sangha can explain the dharma, despite drifts in expression and cultural and literary style over thousands of years.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:11 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI refused novocaine, and as the dentist drilled into the dentine, I deconstructed the sensations to see separately the initial twinkling sparks (the arising and passing away of the base sense quanta), the negative vedana, the resistance obsession, the physical tightness - the whole sensate reality of the pain. And I relaxed into that, gave up the resistance obsession, saw the emptiness of pain, and just dwelt in an expanded place in which the twinkling of nerve sensations in the tooth were just one part of the space. This required a lot of concentration, and it was only love and yearning for the dharma that provided the motivation to do it.
I tried that too early in my practice. It did not work.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:28 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:39 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:14 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSo just be open to this insight if it arrives. Why are piti and sukkha "suffering ... a disease, an imposthume, a dart, a misfortune, an affliction"
Right now I prefer the simplicity of just giving awareness the space to be lucid, without doing anything with it. It feels fresh, clean and simple and at the same time so very alive. And so ridiculously familiar.
I did this guided meditation by Michael Taft, which was very much about that. https://youtu.be/Wi1XqTlCQXY
There were a couple of showers of piti, but they weren't appealing at all. It felt like freezing.
I'll probably get motivated to do jhanas again, maybe sooner than it feels like. I really do think that awareness enjoys playing once in a while. Not that I think that awareness is some entity with a history and personality. It seems to be born anew in every given moment. The inclination to explore is just inherent in awareness. I guess if that weren't the case, there would be no awareness.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:31 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 3:42 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsApart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 4:27 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsApart from everything being the same non-thing, that is, the dance of creation, which is also samsara?
Bzzt! Thank you playing. Wrong. It's actually something to do with the flip side of that.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 4:44 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/24/20 2:31 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsMaybe it feels like freezing because it is freezing, that is, freezing the moment and the flow of phenomena.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:13 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTo know for yourself once that jhanas are taints - to have that insight - and to make the effort to completely deconstruct resistance obsession once, out of yearning for progress in the dharma (I did it at the dentist, I read of a monk doing it by offering his arm to all the mosquitos without resistence), and then to truly see the way the world is, to have knowledge and vision.
Before you can stabilise knowledge and vision you may have to complete the other two steps - clearly seeing the process by which resistance obsession is generated, and seeing through the jhanas to understand that they are a taint. The buddha gives explicit instructions for seeing through the jhanas and achieving third path in the Malunkya sutta.
I have no idea whether what I described above counts as part of the process you were talking about. It seems too simple. And I wasn't deconstructing any jhana. I just completely forgot about it.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/21/20 9:35 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 5:03 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 5:08 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 4:07 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsDay: an hour of just resting, being in awareness. Head shook itself, hands moved and unclenched, mouth opened itself, and so forth. Lots of unclenching going on.
Evening: about an hour of zhine as taught by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, focusing on the stillness of the body. This feels broader than I usually picture shamatha, but the Rinpoche says that it is a form of shamatha. If so, I have been doing much more shamatha than I have realized. This is exactly what I have been doing all along as one of my default practices. Now that I have been doing some Dzogchen for a while (a beginner's version anyway), this feels very dense in comparison. Broad and dense at the same time. Coming out of it, I almost couldn't see. Focusing my eyes was impossible. During the session, there was a phase when I could not think verbally. There were thoughts going on that I could notice but I could not translate them into language. They were more like textures. I think they had sounds, like talk, but it wasn't recognizable as words.
Throughout the day I have come back to inclining towards just allowing awareness to be aware of itself and to trying to approach everything as a dream. The latter is hard, though. I really do think that the mind is creating our reality just like in dreams, but there sure is more consensus about the daytime dreams so it feels much more solid. Still I know that it can be surprisingly unsolid. Very dense pain can go away just like that. This reminds me of that experiment I used to do as a child: if someone holds up a pencil in both ends, one can easily split it with one finger if one looks beyond it, to the floor. If one looks at the pencil, on the other hand, the pencil becomes solid and the finger can't go through it.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 9:26 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/22/20 11:17 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNo skillful usage of the semi-lucidity. I was too caught up in content. I only remember fragments of the content. It had rivalry in it. Weird dream. I wasn't me and the content was very atypical.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:03 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:19 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:51 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
Morning: a short session of nine breathings of purification, resting in stillness, warrior seed syllable A, and dedications of merit to all sentient beings. Soon I'll go to a yoga class, focusing on one of the elements. The schedule doesn't say which one.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 2:38 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsAlso, refer to mind training - see the world as a dream, or as the fourth screen of the fire kasina. It is the greatest siddhi of them all. :-)
(Edit: by 'it' I mean consensual reality ...)
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 5:07 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOn my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really. That's just beliefs holding "me" back. I took in the details and the richness of it and was amazed by the mind. I usually do not pay that much of attention to visuals, but now when I did, they felt familiar. I probably have seen them but just shut the door to those manifestations for some reason. It sure helped that I have new glasses through which I can actually see more than rough contours. The fact that I'm trying out progressive lenses for the first time added to the experience, as it rendered things less solid and more dreamy - and yet much more solid than last Thursday when they were brand new, which illustrates very tangibly how much of what we see is a construct.
I lay down to rest about 15 minutes before the yoga class, and I started to melt. The face flattened and melted down, with lots of sensations especially in and around the lips; I suppose that is what people often describe as having enlargened lips. I haven't thought of it like that before. I tend to think of it more like the lips and the area around them are dissolved into an energy field that sort of takes on a life of its own. The yoga class focused on the air element. It was challenging. Sometimes my visual field was pixelated bacause of the strain and because of temporary dizziness. Sometimes there were like bright starts burst out in the murk. Sometimes there was a colored dot/spot in front of me, red or blackish blue. Sometimes it was like a teal haze, sometimes a glowing warm reddish orb, sometimes both in combination. In shavasana at the end, there were purple swirls and some grainy flat patterns.
It felt like the exercises of the class stirred up and eventually dissolved (?) some mud. That was probably well needed. I didn't feel any smell coming out this time. Maybe I was just more visually tuned this time.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 4:05 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsOn my way to the yoga class I was fascinated by how rich the wakeful dream construct is in detail and texture and how believable it is. It really is a miracle. It dawned on me that when I say that I'm a poor visualizer, that is simply not true, as my mind can make out all this from vibrant superstrings that do not have any material qualities as far as I know. I suppose the vibrant superstrings are also mind constructions, but you get the picture. There really isn't anything solid there, and yet - all of this. So if I can visualize all that by "seeing" it, it should be available in what we commonly refer to as fantasies and dreams as well. There is no tangible difference, really.
We strive endlessly towards ownership of the 'other', when it is just a phantasm of our minds. Our lives are spent grapsing at smoke.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 7:22 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 10:08 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSomething that I like about the earth kasina is how grounding it is. I have had many periods in my life when I have been spaced out and needed to ground myself in different ways. In such periods, I haven't even been able to hug a friend in a swimming pool without my whole body floating up all by itself, and if I have been standing up, my body has become like boiled spaghetti. I have often found myself unable to lift my arms as there was no connection to the body. This has been accompanied by a special form of anxiety that is ungrounded in its nature. Now I'm thinking of this as a tendency to have the earth element dissolved. Grounding really helps, and interestingly enough, even if one buys into the psychiatric framework of dissociation (as I used to do with self-diagnosis), the therapy recommendations are filled with grounding exercises. I find that making it into a ritual, as in some homebaked magick, actually works even better. I don't find that very surprising. Thinking of oneself as dissociative really doesn't help with the grounding. Thinking of oneself as someone who can tune into and work with the earth element, on the other hand, has exactly the right connotations. Stable, firm, grounded, steady, solid, stoic even. It does wonders for my posture and balance. Also, I don't think there is much of a risk that regular sessions of earth kasina will make me too earthy, unless I go for an intense retreat.
I haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way.
Lars, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 1:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent PostsI haven't found many resources on earth kasina. Maybe Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder describe it in their book? I should have a look. I assume that there may be descriptions in the old grimmoires as well, if one has the patience to read them. In the meantime, I'll just explore it empirically and hope that I don't dabble with it in any harmful way.
Chapter 4 of the Visuddhimagga covers the earth kasina. As you mentioned, it's not exactly short but you might find it useful. You can find free PDF versions online. Don't remember where I found it unfortunately.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/23/20 2:07 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/24/20 2:38 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsDay: one hour of noticing with all senses.
Evening: 75 minutes of yoga asanas + one hour of pranayama and meditation in a restorative yoga position.
I have booked an 8 day meditation retreat in May here in Sweden but with teachers from Gaia House in England and registered myself as a student at Ligmincha International.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/25/20 9:26 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/25/20 9:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI have done the nine breathings of purification. I sure needed it. This has been a miserable day. I have been feeling completely worthless. It felt like nothing would ever help. I had been to a meeting with a children's psychologist who could no nothing to help my kid. It made me doubt that meditation would ever do any good too. I wasn't motivated to even try. However, I recognized that as doubt, so I automatically started noting. Somehow, that cleared up the respiratory tract and made things literally click in my head. So I thought I might as well at least do that breathing exercise when I for once had all those feelings laid bare to work with. And so I did. It allowed for some peace to mix in with the remaining grief. Then I did 30 minutes of six different mini-slots. Then I lay down to relax and let the body unclench on its own and the energy body to do whatever it needed to do, which apparently involved lots of kriyas. They scared away one of my cats.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/25/20 3:00 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/25/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAt least awareness's recognition of itself is accessible.
I feel thoughts energetically before they have words. Every single one of them changes the energy field.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 4:42 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 4:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 7:45 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 7:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/26/20 3:24 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 6:04 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 1:42 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 4:09 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 11:15 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/27/20 11:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/28/20 9:32 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/28/20 9:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt was the fourth vipassana jhana, not shamatha jhana.
---
I followed Michael Taft's newest guided meditation today. I don't find them as frustrating nowadays as I did before. They used to "work" for me so well at times and then at other times I didn't get them at all. Now I understand that I'm not supposed to get them, not the way I thought anyway. They aren't designed to result in trips. During our last sessions he explained to me his view of the difference between vipassana and non-dual practice, and he said that the latter didn't involve the drilling that vipassana does. I'm starting to understand what he was pointing at. And in this session it was clear that I still cling to the drilling. I never thought of it as drilling because that's not how I would have put it, but I can see that there is "zooming in" on sensations going on, and that the zooming in does things to the experiences. Which is totally valid. Nothing wrong with that. But I suspect that it would be a good thing to stay mindful of what it is that I'm currently doing and not confuse methods with each other. Interesting. Different pathways lead to different phenomenology.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/28/20 3:55 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/28/20 3:55 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:02 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAfternoon: one hour of what started out as shamatha on the breath but turned into just opening up to the present moment. I forgot all about the breath as glimpses of awareness recognizing itself showed up in all their amazing simplicity. Layers of tensions dissolved. There was another blip.
I had just accepted that I was going to be stuck in lower nanas for a while. I don't know what to think of this.
These blips stand out very clearly because of the special sound in the coming back (it's an electronic beep) and the "What the f-uck?!" or disruptiveness of it all. They always come as a surprise.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 12:11 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 12:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 11:04 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 2/29/20 10:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 1:20 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 1:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 2:46 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 2:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsStill too much sense of agency to be anywhere near what third path is supposed to be, though. I'll probably need hundreds of bug fixes before that happens.
Edited to add: I don't even know what is normal vision. I'm pretty sure that I started out with an unusually narrow and limited visual field.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 4:35 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 7:03 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/1/20 7:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI couldn't tell where my body ended and my cat's body began.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/2/20 4:59 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/2/20 4:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 2:54 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 2:52 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThen today I was told that nobody in my research group will go to that conference, because that symposium was not accepted and everyone who had applied for an individual presentation were offered to do poster presentations only. I was so relieved. That doesn’t make sense at all. I was happy because I wouldn’t miss out on anything - but that isn’t true, as I still won’t go to Iceland. I was relieved because suddenly it wasn’t a mistake not to make that new application. Instead of missing it, I now spared myself unnecessary work. But it’s not like the history has really changed. And yet it has, because history is a story that we tell ourselves. It is so illusory. I even said out loud that I had felt so bad for nothing, which is kind of funny, because that is really suffering in its making. I couldn’t even just be happy now (which is silly too), but I felt bad for feeling bad earlier! That lasted only a few seconds, though, thankfully, because it was so obviously empty.
Thankfully my colleagues didn’t seem very sad. They all work fulltime and can afford to travel to Iceland for holidays. Still I feel a bit ashamed for being happy that my colleagues didn’t get to go to Iceland either, becuse that is the only ”fact” that has changed. I suppose that counts as ill will, even though it feels more like being spared from envying them, which would also be ill will. And my feeling ashamed doesn’t make anything better. That’s not a strong feeling, though. I think it falls into the category of being human. The crown of the creation, my ass.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:31 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:41 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:48 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/3/20 3:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 12:45 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 12:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 3:20 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 3:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 4:37 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/4/20 4:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 6:20 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 6:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 12:51 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 1:11 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:33 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles.
Right now I'm watching Michael Taft's latest teaching at SF Dharma Collective (from their youtube channel, not his own one) and he ties together Mahayana and Theravadan traditions, which was pretty much what we were talking about during our last lessions. (I just took a short break now because I had a hunch that there would be a comment.) The essence of the Ligmincha teachings so far are very much in line with what Michael says and what Lama Lena says - and also very much in line with MCTB2, albeit with a different framing and emphasis. What is most new to me is the rituals - singing in Tibetan, visualizing very specific stuff, specific movements (seems to work similarly to Kundalini yoga but it has its own grammar) and some terminology (although I had heard those words in dharma talks before, they are put together in a way that is new to me). I get that the ritual stuff is tech to see something that is already there, but it's cool that it actually works, and it's cool that it gives symbolic meaning to sensations I already had and enables me to work with them more hands-on, to transform them. The energetic level always made sense to me, intuitively. It's the concept level of it that feels a bit foreign. However, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche has a tendency to use language that is very close to how I conceptualize some of it. He simplifies it enough for me to get what he is pointing at, at least roughly, especially since I relate it to other resources as well. And his teachings tie together my interest in the silence, in the elements, in the lucid sleep, and in sound healing (which suits this kinesthetic and auditory mind).
I'm considering taking a course on the elements in real time that starts a few feeks from now. That course costs, unlike these introductory courses, but then I will also have the opportunity to interact with the Rinpoche and ask questions. I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to be careful with my money as I don't yet know if I'll have an employment from the beginning of July.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:58 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/5/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI don't see it exactly as new, separate stuff, even though I know I phrased it like that. I see it more like approaching the same indescribable non-stuff from different angles to grasp more dimensions (or non-dimensions?) of it. I feel like it ties things together. It makes me understand my earlier experiences so much better. It becomes like a network rather than isolated isles.
That was a bit misleading... It's not like I think that there is an objective phenomenon out there that can be mapped from every angle. Not at all. An important point of it is exploring the interactiveness of it. How it takes shape depending on the dynamics of approaching it, sort of like the observer's paradox although the observer is just as much a product of the dynamics as the assumed object.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:34 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsSo you'll never get out of the boat, and finish crossing over?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:46 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOn a more serious note, point taken.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 6:44 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 6:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:01 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:01 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 10:54 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 10:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt was weird, what happened. After acknowledging that Malcolm was right, that I'm chasing around and basically avoiding the work I need to do, I lay down and tried to have faith that the needed tools are already in place. I tried to surrender. It hurt, so for a while I tried to adjust my position over and over again and took pain killers that didn't help. I realized that there was probably nothing wrong physically and tried to just surrender to the pain. That made it grow in intensity, and at the same time I was drawn into vipassana jhanas. The nada sound was loud. There were visuals, first an intense flickering of lights, then patterns (the grainy kind), and there was an intense pressure in the head. There was a forceful widening that felt like my eyes were drawn apart. The pain in my shoulders was intensifying and it felt like there was a force tearing me apart. The cessation never came. I didn't let go enough. Thinking about this starts the pain anew.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:55 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 7:55 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThis afternoon I did some letting go of grasping meditation with a varied result. I fell into both ditches of restlessness and dullness.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:21 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/20 3:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThere are very bright dots flickering in my visual field now and then, off cushion and with eyes open. The sound of silence is getting loud again. I wonder if this is how tinnitus sounds. I don't mind it. I find it comforting. It reminds me that there is space. Listening to it opens up possibilities where the contracted mind can't see any.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:38 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:08 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 1:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt is true that I have been rushing between teachings lately in a desperate attempt to make up for all the years that I have "missed out on" the dharma, as the grasping thinks of it. It is also true that this grasping is something that I need to work on, because otherwise I will stay asleep. It is also true that the tech I'm currently learning (beginner exercises from Bön lineage with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche) works - not as a replacement for vipassana, but as an enabler for vipassana. Part of it is how it keeps the avoidant mind busy with details that don't horrify the ego, just like many theravadan techs also do. Part of it is that it works with intentions and with dedications for the benefit of all sentient beings - hardly unique for this tech, but it adds to the toolbox of how to do it. I think I will cherrypick some of it. Part of it is that the Brahmaviharas are integrated in all sessions, and in a way that uses all senses and that doesn't feel false or sleezy and doesn't trigger old patterns of guilt and shame. For me this feels like genuine compassion and it cultivates The same in me. That cuts through my defenses, in a good way (I figured out that this is also why Malcolm's pointers always seems to work when little else does, and it is probably also how guru yoga works when it works - the genuine compassion together with my trust cuts through my defenses). In addition, it adds a symbolic language that seems to resonate with my unconscious, and movements that have a similar effect to the yoga I'm already used to - all in one package. And the teacher seems decent and approachable and is altruistic enough to offer a lot of his teachings for free. Also, his age isn't super high and he looks healthy so there is actually at least statistically a chance that I may get to see him before he dies, especially since he travels around and comes to Europe.
So - after nine breathings of purification, dedication, a few minutes of shinei, five Tsa Lung exercises, guru yoga with transmission (not worshipping any living guru, but opening up to one's own Buddha nature by way of a ritualized practice that involves symbolism and Brahmaviharas and all senses, at least for me), and a guided meditation geared towards the three doors of body (stillness), speech (silence) and mind (spaciousness) and towards the trikayas, I was finally able to do vipassana. And I have always done vipassana the way it works for me, varying the levels (concept, phenomenon, vibrational, and awareness) according to what I feel is needed. I don't care whether it is Theravadan or Mahayana, as long as it works.
Then I could actually both note and notice my reaction chains. I had become vulnerable and somewhat defenseless, but also confident enough to face the challenges. There are a lot of fear responses, but it is managable. It may take some time to break through all of the defenses. That's okay. I feel compassion for the fear responses. They aren't the enemy, just misguided. I know how to work with that. I have done it before. Hopefully it will take less effort to cut through the strongest defenses eventually, so that I can cut down on the rituals.
I noticed that some of the movement/dance I have been sensing in the stillness, in some synesthetic mix of senses (visually, kinesthetically and auditorily), is actually my heartbeat as experienced at a vibrational level. Cool!
Now, after a dinner break (I ate while writing), I will get back to meditation again. Vipassana, reclining, after all this sitting practice.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 5:26 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 5:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 6:19 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 6:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent Posts*That is, I'm annoyed as f-ck by how this mind babbles but at the same time amused by it in a perverse way. I'm constantly smiling.
Are you noting the third vipassana jhana?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 7:00 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 7:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSiavash ', modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:32 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsI thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.
(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:54 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI thought reobservation is part of third vipassana jhana, according to MCTB.
(It seems that this thread disappeared after deleting one post from it.)
Reobservation is a nana. If absorption accours in it during vipassana practice, third vipassana jhana arises.
Yes, it did. Technically it didn't disappear. It just moved back in the recent posts department because there is a bug in the code with regard to date and time if some post is deleted. I have reported that bug before. Thanks for looking for the thread!
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 9:37 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 9:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsWhy is it that when I try to meditate, it is almost impossible, and when I try to sleep, meditation insists on happening? Yeah, I know, it's because I finally relax enough, but it isn't fair. *grumpy*
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:46 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/7/20 8:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSeems to involve some glands or something. Groups of tiny lumps that form a cluster of lump groups. The lumps move around when I put pressure on them with a finger.
And now the nada sound is loud again and it feels like static electricity around my head. My body has that kind of vibrations that I for so many years thought was some kind of pathological tremor.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 7:49 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsMy mind is calmer today. That's a relief. I'm tired as f-uck and almost missed my favorite yoga class this morning after this wired-up night, but I actually feel good. Not in a wow transformation way, but as if in equanimity, or maybe I'm just down in mind and body again. I don't know how it works with these fruitions from former paths, what they do to the cycling. It stopped the mind from racing, anyway, and that was well needed. For now I'm content with that.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 9:34 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOn the other hand, those dissociative seizures I used to have had a similar effect. I sometimes used them to reboot myself. I must say that I'm not overly impressed with these repeated fruitions. The path moments make a huge difference, but this... Is there a point to it? I'm assuming that it fills some function. Maybe it's like an ordinary restart of the computer whereas the path moments are restarts after a major upgrade. There seem to be some minor upgrades too, for some fruitions.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 4:55 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 4:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThen I have connected to all the elements, taken a candle-lit herbal bath, and listened to dharma talks and done guided meditations and chantings by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (some of it while in the bath; the five point position is so much more comfortable when sitting in warm water), just because it makes me feel great. When I chant Tibetan syllables, loud overtones appear automatically. They seem to be constructed that way. I noticed that different syllables are dominated by different overtones, and that it matches which chakras they represent. That's really cool.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 8:56 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/8/20 8:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsHow do people manage to go through with meditation without yoga or something similar? Maybe they don't somatize as much and therefore don't need it.
Ugh, I feel dizzy now. Maybe detox isn't just a hoax. I don't know what to believe about anything anymore.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 12:16 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 12:16 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:37 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:50 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 8:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSo when I "cured" pain with piti, that was a misunderstanding. The pain and the piti was the same thing, only approached differently.
I need to let go of the piti to be able to let go of the pain. I need to let piti be piti, that is, let it be impermanence. Grasping it turns it into pain.
I think I'm obscuring the intuition with intellectualization now...
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:15 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBut the hypothesis about piti as the vibrational quality of samsara is still on.
*) Edited to add: Hahaha, that's why listening to the silence helps. So obvious, so literal, just like the symbolic language of dreams. Thankyou, Sambhogakaya! Point taken.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:21 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 9:21 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:01 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAh. I think I'm on the threshold between 11.3 and 11.4 right now, in some unspecified insight cycle. Hence this weird combo of micro and macro observations and calmness and mindspeed that looks like hypomania in text. I recognize this from before. HAH! That's what frutions from former paths do: they "stabilize" equanimity on the relative macro level for a while whereas the micro-cycling speeds up. At least that's a hypothesis for now.
I think that unspecified insight cycle may be where the mapping starts making sense again. I think I started out seeing more of a macro-level cycling compared to the cycling that practicioners usually learn to recognize on retreats, and then I learned to identify the micro-level of cycling, which was confusing, and now I can see them both (that is, I can see two of the levels; I'm not saying that's all of them). Maybe it's more common to start with the micro-cycling? I don't know.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:37 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains.
Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important.
I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains.
I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood.
This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:55 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI have the personal belief that it is liberating to work on different levels and different domains, to both deepen and broaden one's awakening. Not too much at once, of course, as I have a tendency to do, but in the long run. Exactly in which tradition one does it is of lesser importance, I think, as long as one doesn't confuse the levels and/or the domains. For some it is easier to work from one direction in a given domain, for others it is easier to work from the opposite direction. Another way to go may be to go back and forth between levels, hermeneutically. The same goes for domains.
Regardless of where one starts, I think there is a risk of skipping some levels or some domains because one beliefs that they are less important.
I think there's a great risk in assuming hierarchies of levels and domains.
I don't think there are any shortcuts if one aspires to buddhahood.
This is the product of a racing mind that has only started to see glimpses, so it could of course be total bullshit, but there are parts of this minds that thinks it has a pretty darn good intuition. Obviously those parts have hubris, but hey... even paranoid people occasionally have stalkers.
Hahaha! This did increase my pain in the throat chakra, just as suspected, and boasting about the suspicion here will probably make it even worse, but it may be the case that I need to squeeze this ball really really hard before all mind processes intersecting with the Polly Ester continuum construction let the insight sink in that letting go of the ball is a relief.
Squeezing the ball like this moves me on the map from 11.3-11.4 to 10.3.11-10.4.11... or something like that.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:07 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:07 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThere's that ticking noice from the paranasal cavities, which actually maps quite well to the energy channels. The ticking noice is a clearing of the energy channels. Ah. Okay, that's my validation for this particular post.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:34 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 11:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 1:35 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 1:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsI think this is rather unusual, but it might be good to know in case any of you come across a student who somatizes spiritual work just like I do.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 2:32 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 2:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time.
Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:53 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 10:53 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsI decided to work on my long procrastinated report to Michael Taft since I seem to be working at the concept level right now anyway, and wow, it is so helpful! I see things in my old log now (log 3) that I couldn't see at the time. The unconscious has been ahead of me the whole time. It is comical. The first real confusion about the mapping was when a more micro-level cycling started to stand out instead of the more macro-level cycling I was used to mapping. I can see how the nanas swish by sentence by sentence in the log reports. It's hillarious! And I can see important clues to the work I'm doing right now. Apparently I made the observation that third jhana is the vibrational quality of the brain fog already in July 2019. I just didn't phrase it like that. That's why it took me so long to get to know third shamatha jhana! For me it presented as non-jhanic because I resisted it so much. Just like my first A&P:s (long before I started my daily practice) presented as lightning upwards through the spine that exploded in the head, and piti as seizures. Jeeeeeze, I really need to let go of all that resistance. I can also see that your pointers back then were even more on spot than I could see at the time.
Metta to you too! Just so you know, I think of you as my teacher. There are no strings attached to that. It's just a description of something that apparently happens. It's the closest thing to one-on-one sessions I have had for almost a year now, and it works.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 7:32 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/9/20 7:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI googled "sound turns into light".
I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:34 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI googled "sound turns into light".
I was reflecting on my hypothesis/conclusion that piti is the vibrational level of samsara, and how that relates to other jhanic factors and other forms of vibrations than the kinesthetic ones, and came to think of the experiment I did with destilling the nada sound into light in shamatha. It totally makes sense. The transition from kinesthetic vibrations to sound as detectable by a human ear leaves grosser (lower frequency) vibrations behind, and the transition from sound to light leaves the lower amplitudes behind. Thus we filter out more and more samsara while climbing the jhanic arch. The jhanas are physics! And new age spiritualism really is on to something in all the talk about raising the frequency, but it turns out that amplitude is involved as well.
Nah, I don't think we filter it out. It's still the same shit. And the same sacredness. We just think we filter it out. It's an escape. And for many of us probably a detour that we need to do, to squeeze that ball really tight before we can really let go.
Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts(That's a non-dharma comment.)
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:11 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts(That's a non-dharma comment.)
Yes, it is.
It seems to have some dharma-relevance, though, at least for the phenomenology. In my experience, light does appear when bubbles burst. Visually, I mean. It does for me.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:15 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 7:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAs for the hypothesis about ADHD medication, at least it is much easier to instantly get the feeling of floating without it, and the nada sound gets louder. However, there's also that thing with the racing mind that has to be dealt with. I think it can, but that requires patience and it requires letting go of the idea of what clarity is. The racing mind is grasping for what it thinks is clarity. There's also that thing with dullness, which is the sweet smooth seductiveness of ignorance. The unattentive mind is vulnerable to that seduction. Yet the vulnerability seems to be an important part of the equation.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 1:28 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 1:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI was flying and knew that it was a meditation-related experience, that it had to do with what I thought of as possible. It happened in a bedroom with someone (not sure who, could be several persons merged into one) sleeping next to me, so on some level I knew that it was a dream, only it wasn't any bedroom I recognize. Then there was clinging to the experience and to conditions that the dream-me thought was enabling the experience.
I was in my bathroom, looking at the reflection of myself in the mirror. My face was looking back at me but it wasn't attached to any physical body. I liked it. Then I realized that if this imagery could appear, then horror images could appear as well. And so they did. It was a bit scary but I kept looking and reminded myself that it was all a mirage anyway. The imagery shifted back and forth many times. It couldn't hurt me. I didn't believe in it. Nor did I believe in the regular image.
There were also lots of photography during some kind of journey, grasping to all the experiences on the journey, capturing them, using my ipad (the one I use to write my reports here; in the dream the ipad camera was merged with my better camera). During a particularly picturesque part of the terrain, near a waterfall, the ipad was dropped on a radiator, which for some reason was next to the waterfall, and exposed to heat. Radiators are called "element" in Swedish. The ipad partly melted and the memory card may have been damaged. I was devastated about losing all those pictures that had captured the journey and did everything I could to restore it. The dukkha waw obvious. I woke up with the thought that it was all a dream, nothing to hold on to, and how absurd it was that I was clinging so fiercely to something that was merely a dream, a figment of imagination.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 4:35 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 4:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNote to readers of this log:
- Please don't poke too much on what you think needs to be poked on, if you notice resistance, because I somatize what I'm working with. Too much samsara stirred up hurts like hell, physically, and even makes me ill sometimes. Gentle pointers, on the other hand, work miracles. I tend to do most of the poking myself, and I know fairly well how much I can take and when poking is needed.
- Sometimes I need to ”squeeze the ball” very stubbornly and hard before I’m ready to let go of something. Please don’t engage me in a tug of war about that, if you notice resistance, for the above reasons. I’m not kidding - my chakras hurt. Painkillers don’t work. It’s a symbolic language for processing stuff that keeps shouting until I have cleared something up, and that has real physical consequences if taken too far.
- Gentle pointers, from genuine compassion, are highly appreciated.
- Information is highly appreciated.
- Sharing of relevant personal experiences is highly appreciated.
- Sharing of tips and tricks and hacks is highly appreciated.
As I woke up this morning and was about to report on those dharma-related dreams, I decided to put that new beginning off, as it felt like this could be a very temporary view solidified by the culmination of some ongoing process. Who knows if this even feels true tomorrow? I seem to be almost ridiculously sensitive to symbolic associations right now, which makes me think that unconscious processing is driving this whole thing. I just walked into the shower feeling rigid and solid in my body, and the contact with the flowing water made my body feel fluid. The stiffness was gone, just like that. Then there was magickal thinking: "Water element! Can it be that easy? I have cut down on showers lately, after all. Maybe daily showers will take away the pain?!" Jeeze! Well, placebo works. It works like magick... Laughing is okay.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 7:03 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 6:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI think I'm at risk of being one of those stereotypical practicioners who go on and on about rigpa. I get what it is. I have resisted using that term for quite some time now, but yeah... rigpa is the shit. Gotta admit it.
Going through old logs I see how the process spirals. I no longer feel stuck, and I can't even find places where I have actually been stuck. The development was there the whole time. It seems like over and over again I discover things anew that I knew all along, but it all falls into place. The overall picture becomes clearer. Obscurations dissipate.
I can see now that since what may or may not have been second path moment, I have gone through a similar development as I did between SE and that moment. Relishing in the stronger concentration while I could. Despairing about loss of both concentration and clarity. Finding ways to get around that, involving discipline, purification, and a softer touch from another angle, and then combining all resources to power up the investigation. I have been on a track the whole time without having much of a clue about what I was doing.
Hey, I can visualize. Who would have thought that? It isn't even hard. I'm making it simple. Taperitsa is basically made of light, so he can be blurry, that's allright, especially since he is in a rainbow circle. I mean, rainbows appear when sun shines through mist, and he is in the midst of all that. Whatever parts are hard to imagine can just be shrouded in mist. Perfect! That's a reason to appreciate Taperitsa right there. And much of the stuff that happens in the guru yoga, as well as in the nine breathings of purification, are things that I already felt kinesthetically. Now suddenly I have symbolic meaning to connect to them, and that helps in getting all subconscious processes on board. There were a few aha moments there. One reason that I felt the pain wash away with the shower today may have been that the guru yoga involves a sequence of a purifying shower.
The construct of how to work with the breath with regard to energy in the nine breathings of purification suits me much better than most takes on it that I have heard before. At yoga classes we are often told to imagine breathing in energy to the whole body at the inbreath, but I have always felt that the energy reaches its intended destination at the outbreath. In this exercise the outbreath in the last three breathings (through both nostrils) centers the energy in the central channel and brings it to the crown chakra and then out through it. That's more like it. That's what I'm feeling. And I can both smell and taste the greed, desire and attachment as I breath it out in the second round when I breathe in from the right nostril and out through the left nostril, clearing the left energy channel. It is very tangible for me.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 2:58 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/10/20 2:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:27 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 6:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:37 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI came to think of something with regard to attention and awareness. As a child and growing up, I knew how to get around my attention deficit (I had no diagnosis at the time). I knew that if I tried to keep count of something, I would loose it. Awareness kept track, though. I used that together with my Tourette-related symmetry obsession and my ability to see meta-levels - and vedana. I had a system for counting retrospectively. It was based on metalevels of fours. 4 felt good. It was symmetric. 16 felt good too, because it was four fours. 64 felt good because it was four sixteens. Awareness kept track of that, and it kept track of what was needed to get that pleasant vedana again. This came in very handy when I was playing the flute in an orchestra. We were two people playing the flute and we often had long pauses. Those pauses were often based on fours as well, and even on fours of fours. The older man that played second flute used to whisper amazingly funny stories during our pauses. I could listen to them with my attention while awareness kept track on where we were.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:46 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:50 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 12:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 2:50 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/20 2:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSo far, not helpful. I wonder if attention (to be distinguished from awareness) is the same thing as the doer. If so, any dose would be too much.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/12/20 4:14 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/12/20 4:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBack to unclenching. Had new experiences of that. Hard to explain. I was stretching the fascia around the heart chakra while meditating in a reclining position. It hurt, but as I relaxed into it, something burst into vibrations in a new way. That happened a few times. Maybe my synesthetic processing was just triggered by thinking about that shrimp earlier, the kind that can turn vibrations into sound that turns into light. The best way I can describe it is that it was like chains of bubbles bursting in water, creating light. Like I was under water and the bubbles were moving upwards before bursting.
Gosh, this must sound like jumbo mumbo jumbo.
Visuals patterns are accessible, not the chrystal clear kind.
It is possible that I'm back in dissolution again. Hard to tell, as I don't experience it as the brain fog I was used to anymore. The tells are changing. I think I may be in the phase of the path when I'm cycling the darknight over and over again in a spiralling way, with more and more concentration.
There's that rhythmical ticking from the paranasal cavities again.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/12/20 6:28 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/12/20 6:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBefore that, I did my Bön lineage practice, and it was no longer easy to visualize.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/14/20 3:45 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/14/20 3:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/20 6:22 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/15/20 6:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/20 2:35 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/15/20 2:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/20 8:24 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/16/20 8:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAbout one hour and a half in total.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/20 4:05 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/16/20 4:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/17/20 9:54 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/17/20 9:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI'm getting restless about my practice again. Maybe it's a desire for deliverance nana thing. It could very well be. I'll try to be patient, and note the restlessness. At least I don't have pain now.
The sa le ö mantra seems to have planted itself in my brain.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/18/20 5:37 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/18/20 5:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 12:15 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 12:15 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 6:45 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 6:45 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAt six pm (or slightly later due to a phone call and some technical difficulties) I joined a live broadcast with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche. Weirdly, it felt like he was looking right at me, seeing me, although it was just a one-way broadcast. I got chills all over me and around me and felt this great pressence, connection, and like things were happening inside my head. At one point I noticed visuals organizing themselves into a recognizable image after blinking. The image wasn't immediately there but had to be created.
I did a formal sitting with nine breathings of purification, guru yoga with chanting and visualization, three doors practice, and dedication (chanting in Tibetan and reciting in English).
Then I did reclining meditation for about 2 h 15 min: I let awareness be there in all sense gates in the moment. It was incredibly rich. Subtle tensions and subtle mental contractions autoliberated in the awareness. One of my cats lay next to me, so I sort of scanned his body too, probably as an extrapolation based on what I could sense, but it felt as rich and immediate as if it were my own body, and the immediacy and texture were there in their own right (equanimity of formations). Then there was light, or brightness. There was being in that light, or being that light. Nothing but that very clear presence. That must be that pristine awareness that people are talking about. I dwelled there. I popped out of it a few times, like on the threshold of it, where discursive thoughts were available, but was soon immersed in the brightness again. I don't know if there was really visual brightness. I don't think that there were separate senses. It was absolute clarity but minimal distinction. It was close to but not entirely timeless. Then there was something. There was some switch. There was some confusion about which part of it all was me. Then there was sleep paralysis. A cat was scratching at the patio door, sort of earth calling, wanted to get inside. I didn't know what parts of it all to mobilize to manifest as someone with body and assumed agency. There was the knowledge that moving a finger or toes would help to snap out of it, but fingers and toes were nowhere to find. Finally there was blinking.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 8:03 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/19/20 8:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent Posts. Or should I say (The dharma's so bright, I have to wear shades).
Malcolm
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:05 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOh... wow... in writing this, and in tuning into where the pointing points, there was sort of a flip. I think awareness maybe moved behind me.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 7:00 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 7:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts. Or should I say (The dharma's so bright, I have to wear shades).
Malcolm
You know, when I try to describe such experiences, there is always someone who insists that this is just poor sensory clarity. That's not really the case, though, right? I mean, of course I don't think that the sense organs capture it like that, but the mind is a sense too and the mind sensations exist in their own right. Also, I'm not so sure that the sense organ - individual brain processing model is very accurate. It's seems more like how Newton's model is helpful for a narrow scale of occurrings which happen to correspond with people's daily experience whereas it is dead wrong outside that scale. Phenomenologically, it seems to me like information waves (no discrete units of information exist) on various levels just hover around and interact with each other, spreading like waves on water without being the water (I took that analogy from terry, who said it about ideas vs words). It's just that people normally restrict their access to what they think of as something corresponding to the water within a limited space. The water analogy fits very well here, because just like the water molecules within a specific cubicle of a sea do not stay still there but intermingle with the rest of the sea, with the air, with the earth, and with the organisms living in those elements, this is also the case with the molecules of our bodies, including the brain. And yet the waves are even more transcendent.
That would explain why we can sometimes know things that we otherwise couldn't possibly know. Like when I see stuff that physiologically just must be outside the scope of my visual field, stuff that then enters the "real" visual field with the same characteristics as I had already seen. It's not like I could hear a color, even if I hadn't been listening to a dharma talk in my headphones. Or like the time I dreamt the continuation of the dream that my husband at the time was dreaming next to me. I could give many examples.
Still, when I see advice from you, to me or to someone else, about moving awareness to a field outside the body, a frustrated thought pattern pops up questioning how I should be able to do that. I think the answer to that is that I can't do it. The trick is to transcend the I and just let awareness be awareness. And awareness doesn't do it. Awareness is it. Or becomes it and passes away every given moment.
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:13 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsStill, when I see advice from you, to me or to someone else, about moving awareness to a field outside the body, a frustrated thought pattern pops up questioning how I should be able to do that. I think the answer to that is that I can't do it. The trick is to transcend the I and just let awareness be awareness. And awareness doesn't do it. Awareness is it. Or becomes it and passes away every given moment.
I think I get what you're saying with that whole post. The sense organs have very little to do with it. It's a story you learned in kindergarten (do they have kindergarten in Sweden?)
Something I have found interesting is:
1. push the awareness somewhere where it seems like it can't go
2. feel the frustration of that
3. stay there until the mind starts to reinterpret the sensations as something other than frustration
I believe I wrote in my practice log, perhaps in October or November, about a time when I was walking in the woods. I heard some people coming up behind me, and I felt my awareness go back behind my head as I imagined what they looked like. But then, I realized I didn't need to actually "go back" there at all, since I was still aware of the people even while staring straight in front of me. I then felt the awareness split in two, and it was a huge relief, and I think a turning point.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:25 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:25 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYes, we have kindergarten here too, and learning about the senses and sense organs is huge at that age here to. What's up with that?!
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:41 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 9:41 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsThis particular thing has been the most interesting part of the path for me, because it's somehow exactly where things start to get...really weird, I guess. There's no way to talk about it with normal people, because our language and habitual ways of thinking just don't allow it.
I love practicing looking at objects that I have no way of physically seeing. Trees off in the distance...the intricacy of their thousands of leaves and branches...birds way up in the sky that appear as mere specks...people in the past or future...things behind me...closing my eyes and seeing the room I'm in...people in the cars that speed past me on the road...my body seen from the outside. Also, sounds that I am not currently hearing. It's really fascinating and revealing to investigate the sensations that show up around these things. You can do it all day long, as you go about your normal business, too.
Yes, we have kindergarten here too, and learning about the senses and sense organs is huge at that age here to. What's up with that?!
Don't get me started on all the problems with education...
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:07 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:04 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI have my own version of that, which is kinesthetically feeling what I can't physically feel. I have loved that from the start. It makes me feel so very alive, even when what I feel is from the perspective of a car.
---
Second facepalm for the day: I just realized that the flowy sensations that I tend to feel (and see and hear) certain times of the day do not mean that clarity is at peak. It means that the elements are dissolving in my body because it wants to go asleep. No wonder that I have developed the tendency to get into lucid dreamless sleep in the afternoons on a regular basis, haha! Paying attention to the elements as they dissolve is part of the practices in preparation for clear light sleep, and I have been doing this the whole time. No surprise that I would fall asleep doing it, and no surprise that I would develop lucidity. I just had no idea that what I was paying so close attention to was the process of falling asleep. I just thought it was something fascinating.
I just spent a couple of hours or more doing this again.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:16 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 1:16 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 2:14 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 2:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsAnd yes moving your awareness somewhere else is just an exercise, it's not a description of a final desired state. The awareness is already in every object. In fact, all objects are none other than awareness. Your (our) delusions just stop us seeing that. The exercises are designed to erode that illusion of a clinging centre, not to have a different centre, but to have no centre.
Moving the centre around is just a step along the way.
Scary?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 2:44 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI really don't want a center. It may be that I err on the other side. The thought of having to bear with this assumed center continuously, that is scary. Hey, I have even wanted to join the Borg collective just to get rid of the center. I have wanted to throw up my self so many times (not to the point of actually throwing up, though, because this center can be almost ridiculously constructive in the midst of not wanting to be). Now that I know that there is a way, I don't feel so desperate anymore. It is a great relief.
Now I just want to pump you on information about how to get there as soon as possible, but I guess it doesn't work that way.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/21/20 4:27 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/21/20 4:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts[…] parts of me seem to enjoy the feeling of reobservation and don't want to let go of it. They enjoy the intensity of it and the mindracing and find the agitated energy motivating. They enjoy that things are happening.
Some of them enjoy being torn apart and long for the annihilation. Others enjoy that the illusion of a self is at a peak because it makes them feel in control and on top of the world. Paradoxically, both those very different attachments lead to clinging to the nana. That is due to misconceptions about what the annihilation is in the first case, focusing on the destruction rather than the liberation. In the second case, it is of cource due to a misconception about the possibility of being in control and of being something continuous and separate. The first case shares that latter misconception as well, which is why it thinks that there is something there that needs to be annihilated or even "punished" for the sake of purification, and so it goes all in as if it were in some kind of BDSM relationship with "the Process" as its master. Thus, indirectly, since both these rather opposite reaction patterns become allies in clinging to the polarization of reobservation, it seems like the "master" in that relationship is really the deluded ego that enjoys being on top of the world, and so it becomes something self-absorbed and ludicrous and self-perpetuating. I'm in the process of letting go of this.
This isn't specific for today, more like a more long-term tendency. Today, so far, I feel peaceful and content with things being peaceful.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/22/20 3:58 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/22/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsToday I have observed the process of falling asleep and stayed lucid. I have a job deadline so I haven't had time to practice as much as I would want.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/23/20 4:02 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/23/20 4:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI knew that it was somehow familiar, haha. Of course, my grandmother's words of wisdom were less poetic and more mundanely oriented... like "You have to fart, otherwise your tummy will hurt"... but there's some wisdom in that pragmatic acceptance that shouldn't be underestimated.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/23/20 4:20 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/23/20 4:16 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
I have gradually stopped being super-annoyed with my mum's rants on the phone, so something must be right in my practice. It has changed from totally freaking out to not being even slightly irritated, just a bit restless at worst.
Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 3/24/20 12:06 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/24/20 12:06 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsMuch compassion and love
Malcolm
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:06 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYesterday I was inspired by Spatial's thread, about Jhanas and the sense of self, to do some experimenting. As I wrote there, I realized that it's time to "let go of letting go" and let contractions build up where they seem to want to build up, like I used to do and which used to take me into jhanas. I just never realized the part that the contractions had in it, apart from the vipassana jhana three parts where parts of the body seems to be torn to different directions. I realized quite some time ago that attention is what drives that. But "everybody" talks about the importance of letting go in order to enter the jhanas, so I had no idea that letting go could be what keeps me from accessing them. Of course it does, though, now that I think about it, because that means that I stop holding on the intention that drives the jhana. That intention is what manifests as a contraction. How could I not see that? Anyway, realizing that seems promising. I hope I'm not too optimistic. Unfortunately, shamatha may be tricky for a while, at least if I am to use the breath, because I have a runny nose and swollen ear canals. Whether it's allergies or a cold or the covid 19, I don't know. Anyway, two therapy singing bowls arrived on the mail today, finally. The sound is magnificently round and nuanced. I'm so looking forward to playing with that, so I will be busy.
Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:10 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsContracting is what human minds do. We are blind to it much of the time. That's why placing attention on the mind's process is so valuable. Also, hang on to your comment about intention being your obstacle. File it away somewhere for future reference. That same thing will crop up again and again, and finally in a very big way.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:28 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThanks for the pointer! I appreciate it a lot.
Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:45 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 8:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 9:17 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 9:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 9:42 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 9:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 10:47 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 10:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOr maybe I misunderstood you now, Chris...? Anyway, I'll try to stay open to any possible interpretation and find out empirically.
Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 10:50 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 10:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 5:43 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/25/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
In the midst of a cold or allergies or possibly a very very mild version of the covid 19, the dharma is a true blessing. Everytime I come across a good pointer, the respiratory tracts open up and suddenly breathing is very easy. Luckily I have bought myself a bunch of new dharma books and there are even more online resources available - live ones in abundance - and helpful conversations are going on on this forum. I recline on my bed with one singing bowl on my pelvis and one on my chest while reading about the warrior seed syllables (sound healing), holding the book with one hand and the mallet with the other one. The vibrations from the bowls work too. If I balance the small bowl on my forehead, the vibrations spread through the paranasal cavities and it instantly stops my running nose and takes away the swelling.
The book I'm reading says that the ground of completely pure and newborn being is the dharmakaya and that the seed syllable A can take you there. Well, what do you know, I had been doing that practice for a while when that happened. What tipped me over at the time was pointers for Dzogchen which did not involve any syllables, but those practices go together very well. It's good to get a sense of what combined powers lead to a result. The dharmakaya was possibly the most profound healing experience I have ever had, so I wouldn't mind having a window to it. I really wish the whole world could have the possibility of experiencing that. I can't imagine anyone going to war operating from that experience. It can probably be obscured again, though. Still, for everyone to have the experience, at least once in their life, of being totally pure, totally innocent, totally unfuckupable... I didn't merely feel forgiven. It was clear that there was nothing to forgive. Even if it wouldn't change anyone, just to have the experience once is a blessing in itself. I wish everyone could have that. To feel that they don't have to deserve anything, don't have to make up for anything, that they are truly and fully okay. Wow. Wouldn't that be amazing?
I followed a live broadcast guided meditation today, with Jeff Warren. I felt the connection to others practicing in different parts of the world and still together. Very nice vibes.
I have paid attention to subtle responses to stuff throughout the day.
Generelly I feel great, apart from the fact that I still have a writer's block with regard to my work, but there are some very subtle fear responses that seem to come from relaxing.
Chris M, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 6:36 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 6:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 5117 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:49 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:49 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsCool. Yeah, I like him. I have talked to him on zoom during an online retreat.
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:33 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:33 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsI really wish people wouldn't talk that way. It's such a distraction. Maybe it's right for some people...I don't know.
Then again, maybe I should thank them for the anger that's arising right now.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:50 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 7:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI really wish people wouldn't talk that way. It's such a distraction. Maybe it's right for some people...I don't know.
Then again, maybe I should thank them for the anger that's arising right now.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 12:07 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 12:07 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLater it it really felt like meditation needed to happen, and so I lay down to give shamatha a go. I even tried to really hang on tight and hold my breath while contracting some point in front on me, inspired by Spatial's thread, and sure, that worked. However, I hardly recognized piti as piti. Once again, it felt like freezing. I actually thought I was freezing but decided to just relax and go with it. That's when I noticed that it was piti. I was surprised. As absorption happened, the focus very soon tilted from its focus into focusing on being aware of focusing (I think I remember this from Spatial's log too). That made everything turn bright and feel spacious and light and free, and it snapped me out of jhana. It happened every time I managed to get back into first jhana. I don't remember how many times it was. Three? Four? The last time, I felt that I really didn't want to get back into jhana again. I was done.
Somewhere in the beginning of the session, I believe, there were a couple of instances of sudden noicy blips that came out of nowhere. I think it may have been after the first shift of focus to attention itself, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure what kind of blips they were either. The sound seemed to be somewhere inbetween that very distinct sound of common back and the more vague sound that seems to be a shift between different states.
The anxiety seems to be gone for now. I'll try to get some work done.
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 9:02 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 8:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsMy guess is that some people out there could meditate for 20 years straight without this ever happening to them.
I think "do nothing" is a good practice, but for the purpose of counteracting dark night, not counteracting excess efforting.
But I think there's also some kind of language issue. I'm listening to Michael Taft right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mkYlus3ZLY
He starts talking about effort and concentration at 45:42, and at 49:07, he says something interesting (which to me indicates some kind of miscommunication).
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 8:59 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/20 8:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 6:11 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsVery true. Utterly fascinated.
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 10:00 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 10:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsVery true. Utterly fascinated.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQECU2VMjW4
Here, too, at 1:01:30, he starts saying "that could be aversion...but another one could be sort of tight grabbing onto that, surrendering into the grasping like hurts. And that's not aversion, that's wisdom...and so after you notice that a million times you'll just start going 'what if I just don't grab onto it?'"
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:05 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:05 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsVery true. Utterly fascinated.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gQECU2VMjW4
Here, too, at 1:01:30, he starts saying "that could be aversion...but another one could be sort of tight grabbing onto that, surrendering into the grasping like hurts. And that's not aversion, that's wisdom...and so after you notice that a million times you'll just start going 'what if I just don't grab onto it?'"
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:35 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsYeah, but that's not shamatha, so that's different. And not grabbing onto something tightly isn't the same thing as blocking out. Or do you think so?
I'm having a hard time understanding your question, but let me just try to explain more about why I posted that quote.
He seems to be saying that when you experience grabbing that's so tight that it hurts, it's not a sign that you're doing it wrong. Rather, it's a sign that you're doing it right, because you're finally noticing the pain of grabbing.
And, he seems to be saying that the way to let go of that is NOT to stop trying so hard. Instead, it's to keep grabbing on until after the millionth time, when you will automatically realize that you have the option of letting go.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 12:33 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 12:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 6:10 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt is all too easy to go wrong from words. Then again, taking a "wrong" turn is also an opportunity for learning. And I really want to learn exactly what all those different mind states are, what leads to them, how they intersect with each other and how they differ from each other.
I have sort of the embryo of a hypothesis. I'm starting to think that maybe there are different ways of reaching the formless realms. One is through the jhanic arc, which makes it a concentration practice, and one is the Mahayana way. I know that curious had the same hypothesis a while back and started a thread about it, and at that time I argued against it. I'm still very unsure of what I think. But the thing is, now I have experienced it both ways (well, at least some of it). And they were different, very different, and yet... not... Maybe it's the same realms but experienced from different lenses? I know that Michael Taft is very adamant that they are not jhanas, but realms, and that you don't need to go through the whole jhanic arc to get to them. Still, when he teaches Mahayana practice, he doesn't explicitly talk about the formless realms, so I don't know what he thinks about this hypothesis.
Anyway, I'm thinking that the whole thing could be like that snake that bites its own tail. Concentration as a very tight grabbing focus will eventually lead to more and more of letting go, so maybe you could go either way.
I hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it.
spatial, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 9:47 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 9:47 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsI hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it.
I'll tell you that after a few days into a 10-day retreat, I start getting into states that are far deeper than what I experience off-retreat.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:03 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/28/20 11:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI hope I haven't entirely screwed up my chances of ever experiencing hard jhanas. I don't think those are necessary for awakening, but it would be interesting to experience it.
I'll tell you that after a few days into a 10-day retreat, I start getting into states that are far deeper than what I experience off-retreat.
Good to know!
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 9:00 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 9:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 9:36 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 9:36 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI'm not going all religious here. Just fascinated by archetypes and how they resonate with the subconscious, and by what role they play in our creating the world.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 5:24 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/27/20 5:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAnd no, that is definitely not even remotely similar to the formless realm called boundless awareness.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 10:34 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 10:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsToday I have done a Tibetan Bön session with nine breathings of purification, guru yoga, three doors, and dedication. I have also done more of the three doors reclining, with poor results due to dullness. I have done two short sessions of yoga at home because my body is really missing it and starting to protest. Yet, I can't do much of it, because either the histamine reaction or the virus, or whatever it is that I'm having, takes its toll. After the last yoga session, I lay down to do some heart opening and some hip opening restorative positions. It was good, but it also stirred up some samsaric mud. Then I lay down to work with that. It was fear, misery and disgust showing up close to each other. It was easy to get into the vibrational level of it, but that felt unsatisfactory. I chanted the seed syllable AH a few times. I investigated the three characteristics.
Then I did this guided shamatha meditation by Michael Taft: https://youtu.be/re7ZuK3frdQ. It helped me to find the way into a relatively stable first jhana. It reminded me of how I used to do before I even knew the difference between vipassana and shamatha, and it built up a very smooth and stable full-body piti, like the foam on a Guiness (can't drink those anymore due to gluten intolerance, but it was the analogy that came to my mind) combined with some of the sting of carbonated water. That old landmark "backward hands" appeared, which is really direct awareness combined with absorption, which makes it feel like subject and object sort of merge while still retaining enough dualism to be both at the same time (which is of course a construct). I remained in this state throughout most of the talk after the meditation as well, and then there was a nice afterglow. Coming out from it, I can still feel some lingering nausea from the disgust, but now I have had a nice reminder that the samsaric mud that it stirs up is made up by the same kinds of vibrations that can also be approached as piti.
Soon it's time for another couple of hours of Dzogchen teachings.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 3:11 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 3:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOlivier S, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 4:39 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 4:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent PostsI can relate to a lot of things that are happening in your practice these days. In particular, I'm also regularly getting this thing where vision appears flat, though not always full-on - hell, it happened while I was peeing earlier : the pee jet had no depth. Lol. Sorry for the image ^^ But to me it makes things appear extremely beautiful and magical, pee too ; what, with the yellowness, the flickering light reflections/shadow play and what-not. haha
More seriously though, it feels like seeing space as just a mental construct from what is in fact just a gradient of bluriness...
In fact, I had a very strong non-conceptual experience last august, as you may recall from my journal, during a dzogchen oriented retreat, and I realized recently that one very characteristic aspect of this mode of visual perception was that everything was completely flat. It seems, as Stirling Campbell predicted, that these aspects are starting to infuse daily experience. Upon further reflection, I thought that this aspect of it could pretty aptly be described as emptiness of vision, though I don't know if this is correct. When it's flat, doesn't it feel totally full/totally empty ? This is, like, the double meaning of sunyata, according to Varela.
I remember you mentioning about some popping in you head and para-nasal cavities, and this is something which is happening to me too. Actually it started while I was looking at my ficus tree (trees man !) : I was very focused on looking at a leaf and trying to see things that way, in that flat way, - which usually is made easier by determining, for me, to be extremely extremely calm/quiet, while being as lucid as possible -, and it made the surrounding visual field start to move around, and I felt like it was actually my breath being or being expressed in the vision, pretty nice - and that's when the nose popping started... Has this evolved into anything for you, or is it just springtime ?
Another thing I'm recognizing from you impressively dedicated reporting, is that you're starting to go back to somehow familiar territory, with a new perspective and lots of understandings, after a period of muddy stuff. In particular trying to get a grip on jhanas. Experiencing new kinds of tensions in the head (forehead for me) which paying attention to seems to be interesting... Reinterpreting old things, finding new avenues of practice, all this is also developing in my life. Maybe it's just coronavirus... haha
I don't know, nothing to say really, never mind this message, it just feels cool to notice path similarities, and as a meditation comrade I wanted to let you know about it. ^^
All the best yo tou
ps : May I ask what is tawa ?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 2:21 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 2:21 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThanks for a very nice comment! It made me happy.
Don't worry, I found that image hillarious. I agree that the flatness illustrates how space is a construct and that it somehow is both empty and vivid at the same time.
The nose popping still goes on. I believe it can be understood as clearing of energy channels. I suppose that will need to continue for quite some time.
Yes, I seem to have many muddy periods and they always feel longer than they actually are. When I look at my log reports in retrospect, the periods when I felt stuck in the mud turn out to be ridiculously short. Thus there are also many periods of rediscovering old territory with a new perspective. It seems to form a spiral pattern.
I would love to go on a Dzogchen retreat. That seems awsome. Tawa is a Dzogchen term. It is mind-mind looking. Mind recognizing itself. That is, the "greater" mind. Awareness being self-aware. It's a glimpse of dharmatta (dharmakaya, samboghakaya and nirmanakaya). Hard to describe but I have a feeling you'll know what I'm talking about.
Very best wishes for your practice and wellbeing!
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 10:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 10:19 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent PostsHi Linda (edit : this post for some strange reason was only posted now, but I wrote it a few days ago as a response to this earlier message, sorry about that !)
I'm extremely interested in the three kayas thing, but no, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. I've read many different explanations about this. I'd love to ask you some questions in the hope of clarifying some things :
In my understanding, nirmanakaya is conventional, relative reality, the dependently-originated world of things about which existence most humans agree upon. ?
Samboghakaya would be the "apparitional realm", somehow, I relate it with the "world of ideas", of visions (idea > eidos, it is, in greek, a past participle of the verb for "seeing"), the "in-between" world. ?
Dharmakaya, then, is it (1) the unmanifested ground of being, the great darkness, alaya (?), which i conceive of as what we become when in cessation, the beyond-consciousness, invisible, unfabricated, ie transcendance, what some other traditions (guess which) would call the Father, or (2) the aware aspect of that, "pure self-aware awareness", I believe they would call that alayavijñana in some schools, also non-manifest, exhibiting no appearances yet, "pre-worldly", but still essentially self-aware - what some call Ipseity, pathos, the will-to-life, in a way the possibility for manifestation to occur, essential transcendantal subjectivity, the Son, the first-born, or (3) self-aware appearances, not dependently-originated (in my understanding of DO anyways...), not observed by a consciousness, in a way the bringing back of those previous, transcendant/transcendantal things, into immanence, the overcoming of the duality between samsara-nirvana : the experience of an arahat, or the experience that an arahat is not, not is not, is not both, is not neither ? ;) ;)
Because saying that one can experience "the ground of being", which some also seem to equate with rigpa, is very confusing to me.
In any case, I thought that dharmakaya was only "accessible" to arahats, yet you are saying that you experience it ?
What would you say is the difference between rigpa and tawa ? The connection between rigpa/tawa/dharmatta - and is dharmatta in any way relater with that dharmadattu thing ?
I don't expect definitive answers from you, obviously , but would love to hear your thoughts, long or short.
Metta
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 5:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 5:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI'm extremely interested in the three kayas thing, but no, I'm not sure I know what you're talking about. I've read many different explanations about this. I'd love to ask you some questions in the hope of clarifying some things :
In my understanding, nirmanakaya is conventional, relative reality, the dependently-originated world of things about which existence most humans agree upon. ?
Samboghakaya would be the "apparitional realm", somehow, I relate it with the "world of ideas", of visions (idea > eidos, it is, in greek, a past participle of the verb for "seeing"), the "in-between" world. ?
Dharmakaya, then, is it (1) the unmanifested ground of being, the great darkness, alaya (?), which i conceive of as what we become when in cessation, the beyond-consciousness, invisible, unfabricated, ie transcendance, what some other traditions (guess which) would call the Father, or (2) the aware aspect of that, "pure self-aware awareness", I believe they would call that alayavijñana in some schools, also non-manifest, exhibiting no appearances yet, "pre-worldly", but still essentially self-aware - what some call Ipseity, pathos, the will-to-life, in a way the possibility for manifestation to occur, essential transcendantal subjectivity, the Son, the first-born, or (3) self-aware appearances, not dependently-originated (in my understanding of DO anyways...), not observed by a consciousness, in a way the bringing back of those previous, transcendant/transcendantal things, into immanence, the overcoming of the duality between samsara-nirvana : the experience of an arahat, or the experience that an arahat is not, not is not, is not both, is not neither ? ;) ;)
Because saying that one can experience "the ground of being", which some also seem to equate with rigpa, is very confusing to me.
In any case, I thought that dharmakaya was only "accessible" to arahats, yet you are saying that you experience it ?
What would you say is the difference between rigpa and tawa ? The connection between rigpa/tawa/dharmatta - and is dharmatta in any way relater with that dharmadattu thing ?
I don't expect definitive answers from you, obviously , but would love to hear your thoughts, long or short.
Metta
Hi! First of all, I’m certainly no arahant, so whatever insights or experiences or nonexperiences that are reserved for them, I have certainly not had them. I wasn’t intentionally referring to anything that fancy. I think those words are used differently in different contexts, so it was probably risky business to use them, especially without being more specific, and also especially with my limited experience.
This is the context I was referring to: Lama Lena says that Tawa is Dharmakaya nature of mind, the wide open awareness that is not singularly focusing on one thing or another. The spaciousness that makes anything possible, I'd say. She also uses a term called Gompa which refers to including this awareness in thinking, so that...
Thus I'm not talking about anything that goes beyond what can be experienced in daily life, eventually, as the insight settles.
Also, of course there is a difference between seeing glimpses of it and being it. I just experience glimpses of it. There was one glimpse that stood out as the experience of actually being it, but it ended, so it's still not being it (except to the extent that we are all being it, even if we don't know it). But that's how it starts, as I understand it. I'm having glimpses more and more often, not only on the cushion, and I'm loving it. I'm in love with it, and that of course illustrates that there's still a long way to go (or to not go, or whatever, haha).
The glimpses say to me that the movement of awareness in emptiness creates the phenomena, which is also how Lama Lena phrases it. Of course I cannot experience the absolute emptiness. As far as I know, there is no experience there. But I have sensed the playful dance that is the creation, and I'm gradually developing a connection to it. Very gradually.
I believe that rigpa is when that connection has become strong. I'm not there yet. I used the concept the wrong way earlier in this log.
Metta to you too!
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 4:18 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/29/20 4:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 2:38 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 2:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 4:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/30/20 4:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThere are two different live broadcasts coming up soon: Shinzen and Lama Lena.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 3/31/20 4:09 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 3/31/20 3:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNote to (not)self: When you read this tomorrow, do NOT start the day with distractions. You know very well that it doesn't help to give you that energy. It won't work this time around either, I promise. You are allowed to watch Lama Lena's new video during breakfast and while emptying the dishwasher if you rise and shine really early, but NO netflix! There's a deadline! You are allowed to take meditation breaks (preferably out in the sun on the patio) or short yoga breaks but not to bail on the writing. This is your dream job, for cryin' out loud, and the book can possible contribute to a better world for people with dementia; at least that's the goal. You can do it. Or the universe can do it, if you stop resisting it. The book is already there. You just have to clean it up, repair it and set it to sail... or whatever. Come on - it will be fun! And necessary for your practice too. Yeah, I know that this message annoys the hell out of you tomorrow morning, but you know I'm right. Right?* Also - check the "to do" list for the most important stuff that has already been procrastinated too long, and check the mail! Reobservation hyena out.
*) You may even find that if you follow this advice without too much aversion, you'll stop identifying with this annoying voice too. Wouldn't that be nice? So breath it out, and use the warrior seed syllables.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 12:56 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 12:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsDamn it, now I have to go up and work. When I wrote it like that, I just can't betray myself.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 10:44 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 10:44 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsEquanimity has been the dominating nana so far today. I know that because it's the only way I can deal with complex tasks without getting wired up from it. Tawa has showed up during the work, on its own (well, duh). Nose popping has been occurring.
Now yoga.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 2:40 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 2:35 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsRight now I'm wondering if I'm going (even more) crazy or if the following can be due to transmission: I was watching Lama Lena doing teachings on facebook live, and after she had talked about all thoughts and perceptions of the world come and go and having no substance, she said "Watch!" and then she was verbally silent for a long period but I could tell that she was still vividly communicating, as she so often is in those "silent" moments. I tuned into it and felt very relaxed and suddenly she disappeared, sort of, or was there like a ghost. Transparent! As it was twenty to four in the morning here in Sweden, I wrote a comment about it, attributing it to sleep deprivation. One person replied with a laughter emoji afterwards. Another practicioner said that it really had happened. So I watched the video in replay. The first time I was staring at the pixels and couldn't see it. Then I watched again, tuning into the vibes - and then I saw it again! Is that something that occurs in transmission?
At another time, she asked us to watch her through our hands, between the fingers, and then watch a finger print, and then look back and forth. That was to illustrate how recognizing thoughts with our mind can first feel like watching ping pong, before we can comprehend it all at the same time and see that it isn't separate. The thing is, it wasn't like ping pong for me. When I focused on my finger print, I could still see Lama Lena as vividly, and she wasn't farther away than my finger print. There was no space, no perspective. Everything was just as close. I have had visions like that before (all after watching Lama Lena on youtube) and I thought that was just a quirk of the stage of my practice. Now I'm wondering if that was transmitted too.
Is this what transmissions are like?
I had my first experience of Dharmatta while practicing directly after watching Lama Lena on youtube. I attributed that to transmission, because it was so exceptionally clear, and I'd had the feeling that something had happened while watching too. That was more in line with what I expected. I had not expected a person to go invisible right before my eyes, apparent to some and not to others.
The live webcast was early yesterday morning, if I remember correctly. I just watched the replay a moment ago because I saw the comment from someone saying that it actually happened.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 3:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 3:42 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsRight now I'm wondering if I'm going (even more) crazy or if the following can be due to transmission: I was watching Lama Lena doing teachings on facebook live, and after she had talked about all thoughts and perceptions of the world come and go and having no substance, she said "Watch!" and then she was verbally silent for a long period but I could tell that she was still vividly communicating, as she so often is in those "silent" moments. I tuned into it and felt very relaxed and suddenly she disappeared, sort of, or was there like a ghost. Transparent! As it was twenty to four in the morning here in Sweden, I wrote a comment about it, attributing it to sleep deprivation. One person replied with a laughter emoji afterwards. Another practicioner said that it really had happened. So I watched the video in replay. The first time I was staring at the pixels and couldn't see it. Then I watched again, tuning into the vibes - and then I saw it again! Is that something that occurs in transmission?
At another time, she asked us to watch her through our hands, between the fingers, and then watch a finger print, and then look back and forth. That was to illustrate how recognizing thoughts with our mind can first feel like watching ping pong, before we can comprehend it all at the same time and see that it isn't separate. The thing is, it wasn't like ping pong for me. When I focused on my finger print, I could still see Lama Lena as vividly, and she wasn't farther away than my finger print. There was no space, no perspective. Everything was just as close. I have had visions like that before (all after watching Lama Lena on youtube) and I thought that was just a quirk of the stage of my practice. Now I'm wondering if that was transmitted too.
Is this what transmissions are like?
I had my first experience of Dharmatta while practicing directly after watching Lama Lena on youtube. I attributed that to transmission, because it was so exceptionally clear, and I'd had the feeling that something had happened while watching too. That was more in line with what I expected. I had not expected a person to go invisible right before my eyes, apparent to some and not to others.
The live webcast was early yesterday morning, if I remember correctly. I just watched the replay a moment ago because I saw the comment from someone saying that it actually happened.
Okay, maybe I am nuts, but I want to learn how to wiggle like that!
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 7:31 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 7:31 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOh, I forgot to report something recently: I tried shouting the seed syllable PEH while in Jhana recently, because I wanted to know what it would be like to cut through such a pleasant state, if it would be a disappointment to have it shredded. It turned out that it wasn't. It was amazing. Vaste, open, free, clear.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 3:18 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 3:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOh, I forgot to report something recently: I tried shouting the seed syllable PEH while in Jhana recently, because I wanted to know what it would be like to cut through such a pleasant state, if it would be a disappointment to have it shredded. It turned out that it wasn't. It was amazing. Vaste, open, free, clear.
Actually, I may be mixing things up. It was a while ago so I don’t remember clearly exactly what state or non-state I was in. Another possibility is that I had a Dharmatta experience and wanted to see if it would hold up, and found that it could be even clearer. Hopefully my subconscious remembers what was learned even if my conscious mind mixes things up.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 7:38 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/1/20 7:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts(or edited instead of deleting, since there is a bug in the code that affects threads in which posts are deleted)
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 4:20 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 4:20 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 1:45 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 10:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsHi there, I thought people might be interested in this simple exercise for broadening awareness. It comes from my physical practice and is adapted from martial arts with a buddhist influence. But it is simple enough to do while sitting at the computer !
1. Calm the mind, so that it is like a still pool of water.
2. Look to the front while defocussing the eyes, (from budo "look at your opponent as you would look at a distant mountain.")
3. WIthout focussing or moving the eyes, practice putting your attention on the periphery of the visual field.
4. Then hold up your left hand, with one finger raised, about 30 cm in front of your eyes (don't focus on it - keep looking at the mountain).
5. Move your finger counterclockwise in a curve towards your left ear. Track it visually, but don't move your eyes.
6. Find the point at which you lose sight of the finger. At that point, move it back and forth, raise and lower additional fingers. Work out the limit of your visual field versus by perceiving movement in the fingers or counting the number of fingers being held upright.
7. Repeat 4-6 with the right hand, clockwise to the right ear. Remember, don't move or focus your eyes.
8. Repeat using both hands simultaneously. Find the limits of your preception - try to get to near-180 degree visual awareness.
9. Then drop your hands. Add hearing and body sense to deepen awareness and fill in the whole sensory field, including behind you.
10. Sit or walk around enjoying this 360 degree perception. If you have some residual focus, push it up through the crown of the head so that it doesn't solidify in front of you.
You should then have mind like a pool of water, eyes like the moon, no narrative thought, and an intuitive awareness of the total field of perception. You might even get into a very lite jhana. It that doesn't work, then practice it for five minutes a day. Soon you will be able to summon up this broad perceptual state without using the finger exercises.
If you wear glasses, take them off while you learn. They make it harder to defocus and the frame may block peripheral vision.
Metta
Malcolm
I have been doing this playfully because it suddenly became available after having had an unusual amount of tunnel vision for many years, propably due to having been so sensitive to impressions and felt a need to shield myself. Inspired by the post quoted above I tapped into this fully while being out to do an errand. It was amazing. It is almost storm outside. I was listening to an Avalokiteshvara mantra in my headphones and at the same time listening to the traffic and the wind rustling in dry leaves on the ground and in the tree crowns. I was feeling the wind and the ground and the... existence... The wind was holding me and holding everything, and I was thoroughly enjoying it all. My visual field was clearly wider than 180 degrees. Much wider. I estimate it to 240 degrees. It shouldn't be possible, but I'm probably just sufficiently crazy to be able to tap into stuff that shouldn't be available to me. I just took it all in, or through me, or through it all. I let it be vibrant. There were thoughts there too, but that didn't take away any of the vibrancy, or any of the stillness of it. And so it dawned on me: that's the way to get jhanic factors nowadays, by opening up to what used to overwhelm me completely. It's the dance of the stillness. I get it, and I love it.
The feeling of seeing 240 degrees is just wow.
Maybe I'm more suited for zhinei than for shamatha.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 10:51 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 10:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 2:05 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 2:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsBut we have this cartoonish concept of lines of vision shooting from our fovea through our pupils. Actually, the lenses protude, and can bend light, and there are photoreceptors all over the eye. And all that is before the pre-processing kicks in (e.g. writing over the blind spot). The eyes are vortexes of oblate perception, sucking in an entire hemisphere of information.
We live in caves of our own making, hunched over, watching the shadows on the wall.
Glad you like the exercise.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 4:42 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 4:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI was about to ask why we people limit ourselves so much, but then I remembered that I had already given a reply to that. Overwhelm, the perceived need to shield oneself. It has to do with the idea of having to be in control.
---
I was resting in the "sacred space" as Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche calls it. Tuned into Dharmatta. I had a really nice connection to it. It felt so simple. And in the midst of that, Dream Walker called so I had to collect myself again because I haven't yet learned how to interact verbally with someone whom I have never talked to before while being in the sacred space. The perceived gap has become smaller, but it's still there, so I was confused for a while. I can feel that the space is still there and that I never really left it. I used to feel that speaking or moving the body intentionally would sort of break the spell, but it doesn't necessarily feel like that anymore. I think practicing while walking and while doing chores has helped a lot with that.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:17 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:29 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent Posts'Scuse me chipping in again .... but why on earth must woo woo stuff and physical explanations be separate? Our intuitive 'physical explanations' are wrong in almost every respect - western physics and western philosophy of mind has already determined that. In fact, our intuitive explanations are arguably the woo woo - such as I have weight, and see the world, and correctly perceive colour, and am the same person as yesterday.
And while you are on Kasina ... try Golden Buddha as the meditation object - get Medicine Buddha as the kasina! Check it out. Even a smartphone image of a golden buddha on a white background will do the trick. Like this one.
EDIT: Or try Light Globe as the meditation object (be careful that it is not too bright for your eyes, and that it really is a globe) - get Yin/Yang as the Kasina. All these things, hidden plain sight.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:43 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 5:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYeah, I had already planned to do that. I was thinking of a mandala or an image of Avalokiteshvara or some seed syllable.
Why is it important that it's a globe when at the same time a Buddha shape or a candle flame is okay?
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 6:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 6:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsIf you try the golden Buddha link in my previous comment you will just need 30 seconds of contemplation, then close your eyes and a few seconds for the medicine Buddha to ripen, Of course Thangkas must presumably all have the same effect - reverse colour kasinas. But I haven't been able to get them to work, probably due to lack of serious effort.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 6:47 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 6:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 7:26 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 7:26 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 8:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/2/20 8:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent PostsAnd while you are on Kasina ... try Golden Buddha as the meditation object - get Medicine Buddha as the kasina! Check it out. Even a smartphone image of a golden buddha on a white background will do the trick. Like this one.
Interesting, during the retreat I did some medicine buddha practise (before getting distracted by other things), but using this technique worked very quickly as you mentioned it would. Thanks for the idea.
Also, thanks Linda for the "bless me to ever remain a child of illusion." thing from the other thread. It reminds me of the last two panels of the ox herding pictures. There's a bit of a tug of war between presence and detachment in my practise lately, it's a good reminder.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 5:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 5:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI'm still wondering about optical phenomena. I think it was one, but heightened by whatever nana I was in, with its corresponding jhanic factors. After images tend to be more vivid and evolve into something concentration-related more easily in some phases than others. I don't count the reverse color phenomenon as a kasina, because that has to do with mechanisms of the eyes. I do think of all sensory experiences as dream creations, and that includes the notion of having eyes, and that is divine in itself. It should not be underestimated. I totally agree with that. Still I find it practical to make distinctions between what can be explained within what paradigm. What I saw was not a reverse color. It was more similar to what the red dot transforms into during fire kasina. Thus I think the sambhogakaya was involved. It was a symbolic creation of sorts. The red dot isn't as simple as a reverse color either. It is much more stylized than that. It is already evolved from the reverse color phenomenon. It utilizes the reverse color optical phenomenon as a stepping stone, though, and for some reason the candle flame more easily transforms into something more evolved than other objects. The golden Buddha image made me see a purple Buddha. That is not evolved. That is just a reverse color phenomenon. I don't know if the two of you saw something more refined than that? Bright discs make me see a solar eclipse phenomenon. That is also just a reverse color phenomenon. I haven't worked with that, though. I suppose it would change if someone worked hard with it, as a white disc is a valid kasina object in the theravadan tradition. I can get reverse color phenomena from anything, if the background isn't messy, but that doesn't make it a kasina as I see it. If it evolves into something else, that's a whole different story.
I hold the belief that the Buddha restricted kasina practice to a limited set of objects for a reason. I would be very interested in what the reason was. Traditions differ, though, and I know that there are plenty of Tibetan practices that use Thangka images and mandalas and complex visualizations as well. I suppose they also choose some objects over others for a reason. I believe we humans are more receptive to symbolism than we usually like to admit as modern westerners. I would be careful about using something unorthodox as a concentration object without thinking it through, as it might have some unwanted effect. Then again, I suppose people have different karmic tendencies and that risks therefore also vary.
hae1en, modified 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 2:09 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 2:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 99 Join Date: 10/13/19 Recent PostsNice to read about your practice again! I see you tapped into Lingmincha. If you ever come for a retreat, call me and I will take you around. I am about to contact you on FB, so keep your eyes open.
Best of all,
hae1n
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 10:12 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/3/20 10:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
At the same time, I'm following Lama Lena's teachings on Mahamudra this weekend, to the extent that they don't collide with the retreat sessions. I just had the introduction to how Dzogchen and Mahamudra overlap. We got a homework, which happens to be what I used to do to regenerate in times of distress. Great to get a name for that coping strategy. Apparently I did zhinei with an object. I had no idea. I just found that it worked. And then I found that an object wasn't necessary.
Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 3:06 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent PostsThe golden Buddha image made me see a purple Buddha. That is not evolved. That is just a reverse color phenomenon. I don't know if the two of you saw something more refined than that?
Realized I forgot to respond to this before. The reason I found it interesting was that I usually use the "retinal damage kasina" as an object. It has a pretty consistent starting shape which looks like my eye. It then evolves as you mentioned. However using the golden image buddha produced a kasina that was very bright blue (maybe my monitor is brighter than yours?), but more importantly the kasina was in the shape of the buddha. Most of the detail was washed out inside the shape, but the outline of the body was distinct. If you're used to using physical objects like colored discs, candle flames etc this is probably normal, but somewhat unusual for me due to the usual "non standard" kasina object. The intensity of the color right from the start was also unusual, instead of an outline with flickering colors inside it was mostly solid blue.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 5:35 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 5:35 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe golden Buddha image made me see a purple Buddha. That is not evolved. That is just a reverse color phenomenon. I don't know if the two of you saw something more refined than that?
Realized I forgot to respond to this before. The reason I found it interesting was that I usually use the "retinal damage kasina" as an object. It has a pretty consistent starting shape which looks like my eye. It then evolves as you mentioned. However using the golden image buddha produced a kasina that was very bright blue (maybe my monitor is brighter than yours?), but more importantly the kasina was in the shape of the buddha. Most of the detail was washed out inside the shape, but the outline of the body was distinct. If you're used to using physical objects like colored discs, candle flames etc this is probably normal, but somewhat unusual for me due to the usual "non standard" kasina object. The intensity of the color right from the start was also unusual, instead of an outline with flickering colors inside it was mostly solid blue.
Aha. Yes, it was in the shape of the Buddha for me too, and yes, that's normal. That's just an effect of how vision works. And yes, my screen had less blue light because of a setting I have that reduces blue light during the night to prevent insomnia. I get after images like that very often, and it doesn't necessarily have to be from a shining screen, but a shining screen definitely speeds up the process. It varies over time how easily I get them. I'm guessing that I was at a peak of it and at the same time at a peak of having hypnagogic images when I saw the aura phenomena that I did a terrible job at describing. Those two peaks together resulted in something that seemed to live its own life for a while. It's gone now.
It's very cool that you get all those evolved imageries from something that doesn't stand out so clearly in the beginning.
Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 12:57 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 12:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent PostsIt's very cool that you get all those evolved imageries from something that doesn't stand out so clearly in the beginning.
I should clarify, for a very brief period during the initial A&P phase it's vivid and defined. But that usually only lasts a second or two before it heads toward dissolution and onwards. Is the program you're using called F.lux? I used to use that too, but I found I got headaches too often when using it.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 2:46 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 2:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI have no idea what the program is called. It is part of the settings for the ipad, I think. It might be the setting "true tone", but I don't remember. It makes the screen very yellowish at night. If nothing else, it's a reminder that it's time to go to bed. I think it makes a difference for the brain too. When a partner uses their phone or pad next to me without using such a program, I find the brightness disruptive. The program can be a bit annoying when I want to look at some picture, though.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 6:40 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/4/20 6:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe pebble wiggled in different dimensions of space and occasionally turned invisible. It instantly had a halo, and so did any objects surrounding it. Sometimes the pebble stood out, sometimes the surroundings. Sometimes the pebble glowed. Sometimes it was veiled by colored hypnagogic swirls. Sometimes it was flat, lacking all details. Sometimes it seemed to levitate, sometimes to sink into the ground. Sometimes the ground it was lying on had heightened textures, like in a 3D picture. Sometimes the ground was smoothened out, lacking all detail. Sometimes the perspective alternated between my eyes back and forth. Sometimes there was no perspective. Sometimes there was no pebble. Sometimes there was just resting in the pebble with no "special effects". Sometimes there was just resting.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 7:44 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/5/20 4:14 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsInvestigation-wise, I have seen the emptiness of thoughts and plans and worries and stuff like that more clearly in real time.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/6/20 4:53 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/6/20 4:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsToday I did shiné with a pebble again, for one hour. I went through very similar cycles as last time, although it didn't disappear this time. This seems to be a good practice to go back to in order to work with hindrances when needed. It is simple, much simpler than focusing on the breath. I know from my past that shiné with an object works for me even in times of distress, although I had no idea that it was a basic Mahamudra practice back then. I just found it very soothing. I can easily get intro a trance this way, or whatever one wants to call it. Always could.
Then I did a couple of guided meditations from my Ligmincha classes, and then it naturally developed into shiné without an object. I have also done some mind-mind looking, and I have done some chanting just because it makes me happy. I continued to meditate while cooking food. There is connection to tawa and to the stillness, silence and spaciousness. The stillness dances and the silence sings, and the spaciousness carries me without holding me.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 1:49 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 1:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsThis may be the wrong place or time or anything to mention this, but you've referred a couple of times to polyamory as liberating for you, and i thought it might interest you to know that i was sort of present at the creation, of "polyamory" in its specific present historical thread with a lineage form. I was in the San Francisco Bay Area during the early eighties through the late 90s, and during that period i spent a good deal of deep karmic time with the Kerista Commune in the Haight-Ashbury, where we practiced a form of non-monogamy, group marriage, called "polyfidelity." There was still sexual fidelity within the family group (we called them BFICs, Best Friend Identity Clusters; i laugh just to think of our many acronyms now). The largest group I was ever in had 11 women and 8 men, I think. We had a sleeping schedule and slept with each opposite sex partner in turn, through a nightly rotation. It was remarkably well organized, actually. Very very intense psychological test tube. Anyway, what i remember of "polyamory" from back then was that it emerged as an explicit nonmonogamous alternative to our relatively Puritanical polyfidelity. Ryam Nearing, a marvelous long time friend of mine, who lived in Oregon at that time, was also practicing polyfidelity with her two guy partners, Barry and Allan, with much less of the cult-like trappings that were accumulating around the Keristsa scene, and she started a magazine called Loving More for the larger looser poly community. It was through that that she met Deborah Anapole, who was the first person i knew who was explicitly practicing "polyamory," though at the time i thought that was just a lame excuse for her hot tub scene in Marin County. But they really did the work to make it a viable concept in relationships, and so we see the fruits of their labors in Sweden today! Polyfidelity is a historical footnote, but polyamory has achieved a genuine breakout into its various evolutionary forms. One more thing for me to be humble about, lol.
If you feels this post mucks up your practice thread, let me knew, and I'll delete it. Or can you delete it yourself? in any case, it can disappear. But I did think you might find it amusing.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 2:44 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 2:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsWell, I just picked up a vibe early on. People always said that I should be able to read between the lines, and I took that literally.
Thanks for sharing your story! Small world, huh? Cool! The Swedish polyamorous community/set of communities tends to be somewhat more inspired by relationship anarchy than what is common in the US, I think, but it has more than one root. There are quite a few who dream about having a "polycule" similar to what you described, albeit usually a smaller one, but there are also many who are very sceptical about the dynamics that can arise from anything rule-based, eapecially if it starts with one couple that "opens up". That can get nasty. Nobody gets to tell me when I sleep with or do whatever with whom. There is communication about potential risks and other stuff that might have influence inbetween relationships, and then everybody makes their own informed decisions, and stuff happens if wishes overlap. People who are involved with each other either directly or indirectly mostly care about the wellbeing of the others. Thus it works despite lacking much of the organization. Two of my exes are key in making sure that it works for me. One of them takes care of my cats when I travel to my partners, and the other one takes care of one of my partners' cats when he travels to me (they are best friends and consider each other brothers). Those exes will always be family. Rather than a closed polycule, it's a complex net of relationships. The relationships develop organically. I couldn't possibly tell you how many people I'm in love with. I don't know how to count. I can tell you, though, that it's not one and not two.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 5:29 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/7/20 5:29 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsSeriously, how can focusing on a small stone be so fuckin' pleasant?! And how could I forget how amazing it is? And why do people bother with dangerous and/or expensive drugs? Just let me sit with my pebble and I'm all bliss. It's like the whole world is in that pebble.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 1:13 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 12:57 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:06 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI don't know how much of this is scripted. I recognize components from Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche's teachings on yoga of dream and sleep (the paragraph right above this one) and Lama Lena's teachings about symbolic consort practice, the kind that only involves visualizations, not actual tantric sexual practice (the quoted part). I guess both teachings spoke to and resonated with subconscious processing. What's not scripted anyway? It just seems very naive to think that any experience could be non-scripted. I think the experience was also pushed into being by merging very pleasantly with the pebble before I went to sleep and by putting a framed Avalokiteshvara image on the head board of my bed. I remember a thought popping up about going to bed with the Buddha gestalt, haha.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:11 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:11 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsAmen. Surely this is somewhere in the realm of what the awakened ones have hinted at in the highly technical dharma term "the good stuff."
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:24 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 6:24 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 1:18 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 3:32 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/8/20 3:44 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:49 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt felt as if I had quite a number of blips even during the yoga, but I don't know what kind of blips. It's like there is an energy flow, like waves through the energy channels, and when they reach the crown they continue out through it and into space if I let go (my tics prevent that, but letting go of the tics helps), and then it culminates in a blip or an electric glitch. And then from spaciousness a new wave begins. I'm wondering whether these waves are rapid nana clyclings. If so, the cessations aren't necessarily related to great insight, but more an inevitable reoccurring "movement".
Chanting seems to be an accessible door into spaciousness. I feel this especially with Tibetan syllables. In the very beginning it feels like I am doing the chanting, and that creates a blockage in the throat chakra, but then the sound starts to just come out effortlessly, and the sense of a doer fades away and spaciousness opens up. Blockages are cleared away. After a while, even longer mantras do themselves.
I will soon do the Sherap Chamma practice again, as it continues online for yet several hours. I will work in the evening instead.
The retreat I had booked myself to in May, with Catherine McGee and Yannic something, will be online instead and somewhat shorter. That means that I will also be able to attend the Immersion online retreat with Shinzen Young and Julianna Rayes. Thus I will have a somewhat longer retreat altogether.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 12:25 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 12:25 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAt least this time around due to the corona virus, I can't make the usual mistake of running around and doing too much directly after a cessation, it that's what they are, which I can't tell for certain. Michael Taft would be content.
Wherever it is that I am, I'm loving it. And I see the limitations of it. And that's fine.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 12:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Postsspatial, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:02 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 614 Join Date: 5/20/18 Recent PostsDoes anything feel like it has resolved itself?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:13 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:13 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsDoes anything feel like it has resolved itself?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 1:51 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 1:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsWonders of the natural mind
The Tibetan yogas of dream and sleep
Healing with form, energy and light: the five elements in Tibetan Shamanism, Tantra, and Dzogchen
Still disappointed that I couldn't find his other books on any Swedish online bookstore, as shipping sometimes costs more than the books.
Hm, the other two books seem easier to read, which would mean that I would be able to start on a new one sooner. Damn it! And they include practice CD:s. Gah, I can't choose! Those books are:
Awakening the luminous mind
Tibetan sound healing
What shall I do? Should I just go chronologically?
EDIT: Oh noooooo, or Yaaaaaaaay, I just found the other ones available. I want them all! Craving duly noted.
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:02 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsMalcolm
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:09 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:09 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsMalcolm
They are both doing their own thing. Saying "both" is an oversimplification, but let's go with that. The noting doesn't actually note the craving. The noting doesn't have an object. It just is.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:15 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:15 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsMalcolm
They are both doing their own thing. Saying "both" is an oversimplification, but let's go with that. The noting doesn't actually note the craving. The noting doesn't have an object. It just is.
Actually, I have no idea. I just wrote what came to my mind first.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:17 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:17 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:34 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:41 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:41 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:49 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 3:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOh my goodness, they are so great!
I picked the one about dream and sleep. After all, I had already committed to that practice. And when I picked it up, reading just happened, so it seemed practical to just continue.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 10:33 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 10:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI was still resisting something, so curious gave me instructions. It was pretty obvious that following the instructions would trigger a development of unfoldings that was something different from the explicit level of the instruction. I was to sit in a position that supported both my back and my neck so that no effort was required, and there were pointers about stuff to focus on. I knew that it would make me lose control and that subconscious processes would be communicated uncensored. I wouldn't be able to hide anything or hold anything back. There would be no control. I was willing to let go of that control.
There was also something about different mantras and transmissions within them. We were talking about them in a café or dining hall or study room; it looked a bit like a reading hall at a university library, with many rows of single tables, but people were eating there, I think, and there was a row by the window side of tables for two. Were the mantras the gifts? I don't know. There was something mystical about them. I think they were speaking to my subconscious. Another detail is that at one point there was a sense of having brought baggage into the room. It is possible that I had brought all those dharma books.
*) One karmic seed for that aspect of the dream was undoubtedly Chris's caution in the Advaita and Buddhism thread that I should press teachers, and one karmic seed for the context part may have been both our discussion about that and the fact that we always seem to lack context in our communication.
**) The committment part may have been what I said about having committed to the practice of yoga of dream and sleep, which is why I should open that book.
---
There was also the ocean. It may have been in a separate dream. The ocean is a common refuge in my dreams.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 11:02 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 11:02 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/9/20 11:18 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 1:37 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 1:37 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI also happen to believe that it is possible to tap into something that goes beyond one's ordinary conscious mind by allowing symbolic stuff to play out without buying into it as something real. It's just a construct. Like all our experience, mind you. And still - some constructs are more consensual than others, and it's good to remind oneself of what is what. Tech is tech, not religion and not a natural law, and the teacher in guru yoga symbolizes one's own Buddha nature.
---
Today I was reckless enough to eat something that gave me a bit of a histamine reaction (I failed to check the best before date on some food that was already somewhat risky business even if fresh). It was a mild one as I was lucky enough to notice it in time and take measures, but I can still feel my body working on it. There is both pain and fatigue in the background. As I needed the rest, I did reclining meditation and let it just develop into whatever was needed. It turned into some light jhana version, then brief lapses into lucid dreamless sleep, then more light jhana, which then popped into some light version of spaciousness and then turned into some pleasant trance which I reluctantly broke because I needed to pee. It seems to match my scattered intentions quite well.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 2:12 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 2:12 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/10/20 2:58 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsAnd the pebble doesn't care whether I have it levitate or collapse space or if I just rest with it in my brain fog.
Placing the pebble on my knee for the practice in order to be able to recline hurts. Focusing so intensely on the pebble makes the touch sensations painful.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 7:19 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 7:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 7:59 AM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYeah, I'm probably the one who spends most time here. It must look like I don't have a life, haha.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 8:12 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 8:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI'm taking this opportunity to try out and practice my new siddhi, of maybe being able to respond with multiple boxes of quotation in a single reply.
Well, even if you are looking for a fight, i think you picked a perfect place for it, as far as I'm concerned, among consenting adults. If we can't start a healing process on a battleground, what good are we? You were wounded by a previous exchange, and have invited a healing conversation, as i see it. I was totally up for a fight with you, personally, and like I said, it took me some discipline to just let the thing be once it became clear to me who you were calling out.
Yeah, I'm probably the one who spends most time here. It must look like I don't have a life, haha.
Ha, the siddhi worked!
That's what i was saying too, and ditto re: looking like i don't have a life. But it can get sort of hilarious when we're both looking for someone to play with and we're the only two on DhO who are even, quite literally, awake. It's like that famous painting "Nighthawks" i think it's called , by Edward Hopper, a late night diner with a few people inside with their cups of coffee. Sometimes it's just you and me in that cafe.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 10:33 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 10:22 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
Hm, maybe we are both a little too addicted to dopamine.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 11:29 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 11:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent PostsSo, just to give you my perspective on that exchange, from memory, i didn't go back to read through again : at the time, it seemed to me that there was a kind of deliberate irony in the way he was answering you, because he thought, I sensed, that it wasn't worth actually literally replying to your reading of what he was saying. Which to me is a good sign - I would have had a less positive impression if he felt like he had to prove something, in this context. Which is why he made that consent form joke. To say it bluntly - and I'm not taking sides at all, seriously - I think you took it too seriously and literally, and he just wasn't willing to get very serious.
There was little actually on the balance in this conversation, it was just happening on some obviously relatively mature and blanced guy's practice log (mine ) on the internet, with relatively mature and balanced participants in the conversation. If someone was gonna read that and then go on to think they don't have a disability, then I think they would also be at risk of harming themselves in some way from anything they read which may or may not be adressed to them but could influence them. To assume that Stirling actually doesn't care about that stuff in real life from that exchange alone is a bit much in my view ^^. Of course it's possible that this is true, in fact he might be a criminal of some kind for all we know xD
But in that case, if he was actually not taking these things into consideration, which would be a sign of some kind of serious problem IMHO, do you think telling him that on a forum would change something to the behavior ? I have serious doubts. When you say
I really think that this specifically was implicitly obvious for us, an unstated but shared assumption behind the whole exchange, the unstatedness of which seems to have fuelled what I consider to be a misunderstanding - which obviously, and unfortunately, affected you.
Just my 2 cents, for the sake of perspective. Maybe you're clear on all that but either way, thought i'd mention.
With metta
edit : and to be even more fair, Stirling's participation in this thread at this particular moment was very beneficial to me, it provoked some serious opening, some shunning off of some unnoticed stuff which had been blocking me, during the retreat I went to right after, as well as provided inspiration and insight (remember that thing about "appearances are just mirrors of the mind" ? loved it), even that specific point of "there are no causes and conditions", which was basically adressed to me in that context, that was very skillful from him because it struck me and opened something up too.
So, yeah, I guess that's 4 cents now ^^
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:27 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:51 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOlivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:36 PM
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RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent PostsI don't know if you remember it, but I actually asked that we should stop talking about me in your log, after several comments directed towards me. |
Definitely and as I was watching the exchange happen from the retreat (oops ! busted !), I was kind of appalled at the bitterness. I still think there was no malignent intent from anyone though, and that you've got it perfectly right that not everyone can be everyone's teacher. I also thought that it was somehow a fruitful happening in the end, because it made some things like what you just said come out, and probably even made you more confident about your needs and what you don't want (?) You clearly have a very good sense of what can and cannot work for you and I guess that's also a result of unfortunate discussions like this one (and probably a lot of prior suffering from such happenings ?)
Well in any case I'm in no position to say what is what, but I just wanted to share my perspective about how the whole thing unraveled, and talk a bit about myself in your log But I do completely understand the frustration that can arise from feeling totally misunderstood by someone who seems to know what is right for you. It can be a mindfuck.
Otherwise : I did read you answer, thanks for that, I didn't want to interrupt the flow of you log though, since you had already written a few new entries when I got there. Edit : So I read it again, and must say I'm not very satisfied with Lama Lena's descriptions. I have glimpsed stuff like that too but for instance nirmanakaya and samboghakaya are not really explained there, and the distinctions between tawa, rigpa, dharmakaya, are pretty unclear imo. The thing is, I not only have an experiential interest in this (which is what matters, and obviously your main orientation - props), but also a huge theoretical one, being a reader of phenomenologists like Michel Henry who talk about things like this in a much more satisfying way in some regards, but not all. Anyways... I will figure it out as I go along and post my findings in my log.
Cheers ! Metta ! Karuna ! Mudita ! Upekkha ! Et cetera !
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:48 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt was a bit of a surprise to me too that it all sort of blurped out like this. I hadn't planned on it.
I don't think it was a fruitful happening. It didn't help me in any way. One could hope that it will help others, but to be realistic, it usually doesn't. Hoping that it will help only causes suffering.
My knowing what works for me is thanks to those who actually were sensitive to my needs and showed me that they do matter, in spite of everything else.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOlivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 3:34 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 3:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent PostsI do think it's important ! For after awakening, for talking about it, for understanding you own culture... For instance, precisely nailing what dharmakaya is is important to me because it seems to simply be what some people call god, you know. And that is hugely significant culturally speaking.
Regarding the other thing, I'm sorry that it was just a bad exchange for you. I feel like bad experiences have also taught me things, like, in a way, that panditarama lumbini retreat, but I might just be refusing to be honest. Who knows.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 4:03 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 4:03 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYou know, when you go through something negative too many times, the learning that still takes place is usually not the positive kind. That's why I don't accept for people to take credit for overstepping my boundaries.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:59 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTenzin Wangyal Rinpoche (1998): The Tibetan yogas of dream and sleep. Boulder, Colorado: Snow Lion, p. 56f.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 11:17 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 11:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Posts<br />
I definitely don't mean to say we could find a way to reach or express or lead someone to the absolute, awakening, realization, reality, etc., through language. Really really not.</p>
<p>Since you seem interested I'll try to explain my perspective. IMNFEO (In My Not-Yet Fully Enlightened Opinion), realization is beyond relationality and things, hence, meaningless, or alternatively it is absolute meaning = meaninglessness. I don't think I can go wrong saying that.</p>
<p>But the world of meaning, of signs, is almost <em>all of humanity. </em>Human culture, beyond the absolute, is the dependently originated world. It is based on and comprised of things, which implies some kind of permanence (memory) and relationality (something standing for something else - ie, semiosis, signification). Sure, it's all the One Mind in the end, as some would say, yet the human world remains. Any-thing we have access to that is not the absolute is a variation on that, is it not ? Nirmanakaya and sambhogakaya. There are no humans ultimately, are there, and we are not talking. Yet these dimensions will remain and are what humans do, and we talk about it, and generations before us have talked about it and built their everyday lives around this. Because if enlightened beings were not humans and not in the world of signs, they would not do.</p>
<p>It seems easier to reach enlightenment than to do many other things, to be honest, and once we are fully there these other things will be all that is left to do, no ?</p>
<p>What I mean is something along the lines of : once you get the realization, how do you share it and express it and get other people to share in it, how do you symbolically express it, which are the skillful means for that, how do you deepen it and make it infuse every aspect of your experience ; and further than that : how have people in the past reached it ? How did they name it ? How did they express it and transmit it ?</p>
<p>This is partly why I'm so interested in thoroughly understanding those things also from an intellectual point of view. Is the sambhogakaya is actually what that crazy guy Plato meant by the "world of ideas" ? When Parmenides, or Heraclites, some of the first greek philosophers, talk about "Aei", the Eternal, in ways that are so reminiscent of some buddhist formulations (Parmenides is a bit like the Heart-Sutra Buddha), were they also pointing to that common thing which people in the Advaita vs Buddhism thread came to agree that it is the end-goal of the path and "ultimate" ?</p>
<p>I think many people would agree : yes, different persons from different times and different traditions have entered the absolute dimension through varying ways. Because the truth is the truth regardless of time and place, regardless of anything human.</p>
<p>OK man. But that kind of cultural connection really turns me on, though. Why ? Because the culture I was raised in was influenced for thousands of years by this Plato guy. Not by the buddha. And it seems to me that there is something strange in going in a culture which had little historical contact with mine, to learn about things which are seemingly virtually unknown here. Is it true that, as many present it, through this contact between East and West, the West is learning about things it had never known, and that buddhadharma and this sunyata which Francisco Varela talked about as the crown jewel of human experience are just unknown things in our history ? That seems preposterous to me.</p>
<p>Cultures have started to merge basically in parallel with the industrial revolution. During the XXth century more and more buddhism came to the west. It seemed to many people that something which had been completely overlooked in our "materialist and scientific culture" was being introduced for the first time. It seemed like a kind of spiritual revolution and renaissance. A new age. In fact, since the XIXth century people have been saying that : our culture is materialist and unspiritual and its renewal will come from the Eastern spiritualities. And that was true ! But we should be aware that our culture did not start in the XVIth century. Actually, it's rather that it started going to shit in the XVIth century, at least in the spiritual dimension, with the rise of scientific though and the downfall of Christianity. Sure, technological progress is very nice. Doesn't really compensate meaninglessness and complete cultural disconnection from the truth. </p>
<p>So yes, the word Sunyata has come to have a certain resonance, emotionally and intellectually and experientally for me. The word "Eternity" however, has an incomparably more profound effect on me than Sunyata. The word "plénitude" (fullness, as in fulness of being), or "Openness", which both seem to be appropriate alternative translations to sunyata, they immediatly ring many bells for me. The word "Absolute" has depth for me. When I hear it I shiver. When I hear the word eternity I get an incredibly profound sense of inspiration across all the three kayas ^^. It's woven deep at the root of the construct which is my identity, unlike the word Dharmakaya. The word Dharmakaya sounds curious and foreign to me. I will not be able in this life to shun away my human identity, however ultimately sunyata it might be. It would simply more skillful, IMNYFEO, to use a word like The Absolute to orient my quest for it, if that is indeed a good synonym for Dharmakaya, although maybe less exotic of a term. I wish I had someone who could talk to me about these things in words I have heard of. Honestly I've had enough exoticism, to me, local is the new cool. Haha ^^ I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to put things. Chopsticks are fun for a while, but does it make much sense if a guy from Senegal starts using them for eating Bananas ?<br />
<br />
And you know what, if we can have some people express these things clearly who both have the contemplative chop(stick)s, and are educated in the normal sense, who have read the great thinkers from where we are from, then something amazing opens up : our own cultural history. Because for instance, some of the phenomenologists were probably arahants, that is my guess anyways. If people can achieve arahatship in one year upon reading mctb, is it far reaching to suppose that some philosophers like Husserl for instance, might have achieved some degree of awakening, or gone all the way, though somehow independent means, from a life-time of curiosity about the nature of appearances and profound, committed, sincere concern for truth ? Because Kierkegaard talked about the absolute. Because the christian mystics in the middle-ages new everything about the absolute. Because the people who built the churches which still stand today in every single village in the country where I live, knew about this - perhaps, perhaps some of them. They didn't know about the buddha though. </p>
<p>You feel what I'm saying ? I'm not saying : let's go back. Just looking for a meaningful synthesis, looking for the great meaning in the realms of the relative, for my own satisfaction, and for reaching more people from my cultural area, to whom I can relate more easily. When I first experienced the DN, it was Albert Camus who brought me comfort, not Mahasi Sayadaw. Etc. </p>
<p>So, there is also a quest for justice, respect and fidelity here. I want to pay homage to the generations past, and dispell my ignorance about how far some of the people who contributed to building the culture in which I was born actually made it. Fuck cultural disconnection.</p>
<p>Thank for giving me an opportunity to gather my thoughts on this and clarify my motives. I hope it can be of interest to you as well, and I'd love to hear feedback on this ;)<br />
<br />
Pax tibi.</p>
Edit : upon re-reading my message, I'm getting a lot of that nice nose-popping haha !
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 12:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 11:59 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIf I will ever teach the dharma, which I have no plans for at the moment, I'll probably teach people who think more like me. There aren't many teachers like that. Probably not many students either, but those who do think like me most likely have a hard time finding someone who speaks their language. I have no intention whatsoever to engage in long and intricate theoretical teachings. Even in my research at the University, I am an empiricist.
I have never thought about Husserl and company being awakened. I really have no idea, but why would they? Kirkegaard does not strike me as someone who had recuced his suffering. Not Camus either. The thought has popped up about Parfit, though, but I haven't read that much of him so that is too much to say. I think awakening by way of intellectual reasoning is probably at least very unusual. I don't think it's that common to reach arahantship within a year from reading a dharma book either, even if it is a great one.
I find it likely that Jesus was awakened, but even though I live in a country that has had hundreds of years of Christian tradition, that is not the original roots here, and it's a secularized society, and I don't have any relationship to Christian mystics. I don't understand why they would be closer to me than anything else. I'll use the tech that I find works for me, and I find that the Buddhist framework really works.
I enjoyed reading your post, though, and I look forward to reading more about your findings.
As for names, any of them is fine.
Olivier S, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 12:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 12:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 872 Join Date: 4/27/19 Recent Postsedit : yeah, this is more a question of cultural appropriation than anything in my mind, I guess, so not at all about personal practice, just to be clear.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:38 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:38 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/11/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:48 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 1:48 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 2:49 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 2:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsGetting an after image from the clay tray is easy, but it doesn't evolve as easily as fire kasina. The after image is mainly just the opposite color (bluegreen). Sometimes it momentarily shifted color into something golden, but it wasn't stable. There were instances of a finger print pattern. The disc often dissolved like an effervescent tablet after a while.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 3:22 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 3:20 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsWhen I tried earth kasina I felt cold and dull. When I tried fire kasina I got thirsty.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 3:46 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/13/20 3:46 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTime to go to sleep.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:03 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:03 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:09 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:12 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:12 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsNot two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:18 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:26 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:26 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI had another of those partial collapses of space today during the fire kasina. At least that reminded of previous experiences.
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:28 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:28 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI have been talking to Dream Walker. I like that. He seems a bit frustrated, though, because nobody can tell you how to get to third. I don't think there is a way to tell anyone that. Some pointers, sure, but nothing more specific. I think that if it were possible to tell someone, then it would be pretty crappy. It will reveal itself on its own when it's ripe. He compared it to walking around with a stick hitting the treas to make the ripe apples fall, which would not make the green apples ripe. Yeah, of course hitting the trees won't make the apples ripe. They have to ripen on their own. Climbing the top of the trees won't make the apples ripe either. There is no way to make the apples ripen ahead of time. We can only provide sufficient nourishment and protection from damage. (There are of course industrial apples that are made to ripen ahead of their time, but that's not the kind of apple I'm going for.)
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:56 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:56 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsBut also, I found something pretty good at this point to be deep mindfulness for a few days, and then per Shargrol's advice just sitting and allowing myself to be me, and observing for 30 minutes. You probably have the equivalent of the deep mindfulness already. Can you just sit in your patio for 30 minutes a day and just be you - no formal meditation, just sitting, without giving in to distraction? It's NOT easy at all to do this.
M.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 8:01 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 8:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsOh, the non-responsive mode of just being? I know what it is. I can't claim that I can always do it, but I have certainly done it. As a child I did it a lot. That was deemed pathological.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 9:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 9:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 2:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 2:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBut also, I found something pretty good at this point to be deep mindfulness for a few days, and then per Shargrol's advice just sitting and allowing myself to be me, and observing for 30 minutes. You probably have the equivalent of the deep mindfulness already. Can you just sit in your patio for 30 minutes a day and just be you - no formal meditation, just sitting, without giving in to distraction? It's NOT easy at all to do this.
Yes, I can, and I quite like it, ney, I love it. However, this is what I call Dzogchen. Does this mean that I have misunderstood Dzogchen?
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 2:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 2:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsBut also, I found something pretty good at this point to be deep mindfulness for a few days, and then per Shargrol's advice just sitting and allowing myself to be me, and observing for 30 minutes. You probably have the equivalent of the deep mindfulness already. Can you just sit in your patio for 30 minutes a day and just be you - no formal meditation, just sitting, without giving in to distraction? It's NOT easy at all to do this.
Yes, I can, and I quite like it, ney, I love it. However, this is what I call Dzogchen. Does this mean that I have misunderstood Dzogchen?
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 3:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 3:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:13 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 5:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 11:53 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 11:43 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Postsedit: but it sure makes some yoga positions much easier.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 6:43 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/14/20 6:43 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:54 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:54 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsDoing the 30 minutes non-meditation/Dzogchen on an empty stomach and before the ADHD medication kicked in wasn't ideal. Distracting thoughts did not immediately self-liberate. There were moments of strong presence, though, without a "just me" to be, so I can see that this is the way to centerlessness. I intend to keep doing this, ideally more than once a day (including shorter sessions that can easily be squeezed in) but with a minimum of 30 unbroken minutes.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 6:52 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 6:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTo another caller who had energetic pain, she recommended no poking.
I love Mukti.
---
I'm sitting in a meadow full of wood anemones, taking in the outer elements. If I feel like it, I will also go to a pond nearby, to add water to the mix (all the others are available in abundance). I did the same thing yesterday before yoga class. It helps me to reconnect with inner stillness.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 9:46 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 9:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts---
I didn't go to that pond but instead a payed a short visit to a set of rocks with marks from glacial action when the inland ice melted at the end of the ice age. That kind of ground is often the safest bet of finding the kind of vibrational energy that feels so good within walking distance in a town, I find, probably because it has been left relatively untouched when the surrounding environment has been manipulated over and over again. I know that there is no ultimate truth to that kind of energy, but there is no ultumate truth to paying taxes either and yet I find it meaningful to pay them. Tapping into energies is an important tech for my wellbeing, and it increases the degree of connection in my meditation practice.
There have been non-dual whiffs during the day. Like seeing a horse and instantly having the whole package of sensations that comes with it, not only how it would feel to touch it and how it would smell and the sounds it makes, or the sense of its movements when riding it (not that I have done much horseback riding), but also the sense of how it feels to have that posture and move my body like the horse, and the feeling of having my hooves firmly placed on the ground.
There have also been brief clicks in my head, the kind that doesn't feel like paranasal cavities popping open (well, I have that too) or like sudden shifts in mental states but still doesn't come close to that very special feeling of coming back from an impermanence door fruition. It's more like new synapses are forming or something like that. No nausea from walking today. I don't know if the change into perceiving the ground as moving relative to me instead of me moving relative to it (the latter because of the brain's photoshopping) has remained or if it was a temporal thing. It feels like it is back to normal but I'm confused about what normal means (even more so than usually).
That spot on the top of my head to the left, the one that had like electrical surges yesterday (?), feels warm and sort of activated. The energy channels are open, making breathing very easy. There is a subtle sense of difference in pressure between inside and outside of my head, as if on an air plane. There is a very subtle pressure at the third eye point. I don't believe that energies can really be trapped inside the head, so that doesn't bother me. Besides, I have had the subjective experience before of having the energies project out from the physical body and forming a large spheric field around it, so I know that it is open.
I don't feel contracted around the heart anymore. Whatever the intense heat in the heart chakra was, I think it did something.
I'm having trouble getting the touch pad to respond to my fingers again. I seem to have an energetic signature that it can't read properly (it can usually read other people's fingers when I ask them to try). That happens (not only with touch pads).
It feels like something "wants" to happen.
Thankyou Malcolm for suggesting to do the non-meditation thing. It was the push I needed to get back to connecting with the dance of the stillness. It is in line with both the Lama Lena teachings and the Ligmincha classes, as well as with what Michael Taft teaches nowadays at SH Dharma Collective and most teachings that I find myself drawn to. It is all too easy to get busy with the other parts of the teachings, but this is the most essential part.
T, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 10:06 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 10:06 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 279 Join Date: 1/15/19 Recent PostsI understand you're into energy tapping/feeling/sensing from your writing elsewhere. Is it just me or is there some weirdness going down right now? Both on the forum, and generally.
T.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:07 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 12:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI understand you're into energy tapping/feeling/sensing from your writing elsewhere. Is it just me or is there some weirdness going down right now? Both on the forum, and generally.
T.
I am no authority with regard to this, and honestly, I have been very sceptical about that kind of reports so I have no idea what is said about this on a larger scale. I haven't had any systematic training. I just feel stuff and pick up stuff, like some others also seem to do, and I can sometimes affect others in a way that I can't explain (usually during a strong A&P). And I observe things happening in interactions, just like you. I can't always tell which is which, as I depend on intuition in large parts of my daily life (my subconscious processing tends to know stuff before the rest of me does). I believe that people who tune into each other in interaction - even at a distance on an online forum - can affect each other also energetically, especially if they are all sensitive to that. Right now, with so many people being in isolation due to the corona virus, people rely on online communication more than usually. There is also a large-scale trauma affecting us globally. That is bound to stir up energies. Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche says he thinks that the universe is telling us to connect with inner stillness and that the nature needs a break. Obviously many people have a hard time connecting to stillness during lockdown, so regardless of whether or not the Rinpoche is right, there are restless and anxious vibes in the air. I'm mainly avoiding (other) social media nowadays so I don't know if such vibes are apparent there too. I'd guess that there is chaos in some corners of the internet, but that's no surprise. I'd also guess that people at this forum, despite often being good at expressing themselves diplomatically, are more sensitive to vibes than the average, causing us to seek. As stabilizing as a spiritual practice can ideally be, as we know, it can also have the opposite effect, so I can see how we could as a community be vulnerable to energetic influences.
I don't think it's just you. It's like the energy signatures are magnified, and people affect each other more than usually, for good and for bad. The neighbourhood where I live feels surprisingly calm, though. I don't think that the global trauma has quite taken root here. The weather sometimes has sort of an energetic quality, but I can't say that it's more than normally. So I don't know about the world any more than you do. Probably less. I choose my influences very carefully. With regard to the forum, well, you have seen it too. There are ripples. And it can probably be explained without any reference to energies. It's just that for me the energetic lens is what resonates most with my subjective experience, so for me it feels most authentic to talk about it that way, even though it admittedly makes me sound like some new age witch wannabe.
Sorry that I can't answer any better than that.
T, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:32 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 279 Join Date: 1/15/19 Recent PostsIt's a good enough answer for me! I have a job that I am still out interacting with the public-at-large regularly. Cabin fever is getting to a lot of people. I just found the energy here to be curious, too.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:36 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:36 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:40 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:40 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI just found the energy here to be curious, too.
And it keeps getting even more screwed-up. What the hell is happening?
Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:22 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:22 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent PostsAnd it keeps getting even more screwed-up. What the hell is happening?
Since everything is interconnected, I suppose it's not surprising that the stress of the world regarding the virus is bleeding into this community as well. But yeah, it's a little odd, this is probably the largest spike of dukkha i've seen on this board so far, though I wasn't here for that actualism thing.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:34 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI remember that there was a time when I was about to check out meditation methods and I ran into a thread on a forum that made me postpone it for another decade or so. I don't think it was here, because it was a battle between transcendental meditation and "Buddhist meditation" (as if that were one tradition, haha) and they were all convinced about perfected emotion control (and apparently all sucked at it).
Lars, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:50 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:50 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 420 Join Date: 7/20/17 Recent Poststhey were all convinced about perfected emotion control (and apparently all sucked at it).
One of the things i'm glad I read in MCTB was the section on the various models, and how the idea of emotional perfection doesn't necessarily line up with realization (or possibly exist at all). I try to be polite and open in my interactions with others, but i'm aware that at various points i've bypassed, done virtue signalling, acted like my shit don't stink, etc. We're all human, and the less we acknowledge that the more the shadow sides can do their thing.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:11 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:03 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIt is indeed i who am a foul-mouthed piece of shit. there was nothing funny in these instances of my ignorant efforts at humor, and there is no excuse for it. Please forgive me, and feel free to educate my unwoke ass by any skillful means that come to your sure hand. T may have a keisaku handy, i'm sure he'll let you use it.
love, tim
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsMy take on Tourette's is that it is both a magnifying glass on the dukkha and an increased sensitivity to noticing the dissolution of the self and the world resulting in contractions/grasping as the ego's defense mechanism. I have noticed that when I can let go of ticcing, stuff dissolves.
As someone with Tourette's, I find it fascinating that people often have such a hard time noticing sensations in their body. I never had that problem. I always feel a great variety of sensations at the soles of my feet when I walk and at the same time I feel the touch of my clothes on every inch of my skin and the touch of the wind. That's the minimum baseline while I go about doing stuff. I can't imagine how it would be not to feel that.
There is a great fictional depiction of a character with Tourette's in the book Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem. I can't vouch for the movie version, though, because I haven't seen it.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 10:18 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 10:18 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsMy take on Tourette's is that it is both a magnifying glass on the dukkha and an increased sensitivity to noticing the dissolution of the self and the world resulting in contractions/grasping as the ego's defense mechanism. I have noticed that when I can let go of ticcing, stuff dissolves.
As someone with Tourette's, I find it fascinating that people often have such a hard time noticing sensations in their body. I never had that problem. I always feel a great variety of sensations at the soles of my feet when I walk and at the same time I feel the touch of my clothes on every inch of my skin and the touch of the wind. That's the minimum baseline while I go about doing stuff. I can't imagine how it would be not to feel that.
That is so cool, your pre-sensitization to certain things like that, for meditation practice. I am typically dulled-out and numb, sensate-wise, as i am learning from the lack of much news from between my thumbs in sits right now.
There is a great fictional depiction of a character with Tourette's in the book Motherless Brooklyn by Jonathan Lethem. I can't vouch for the movie version, though, because I haven't seen it.
I think i had a bit of Tourette's on my mind lately, and was prone to my error, because i am (re-)reading Neal Stephenson's The Confusion, a vast philosophical comedy, which has a character, a Portugese sailor, who is depicted as a profoundly compulsive foul-mouthed truth teller of truly heroic stature, and, Stephenson indicates at various points, is also somehow Patient Zero for Tourette's, historically speaking, which i haven't quite figured out, since Tourette's groundbreaking study was published in 1885, and this novel is set circa 1689.I have found one of my tourette's mentions and edited it to my new standard. If you spot the other allusion in your travels, give me the coordinates if you wish and i'll do the appropriate edit there too.
b
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 12:50 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 12:49 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsActually, this makes me realize: I owe Chris a great deal for that exercise, because the dullness I experienced from it made me take up yoga again, and more systematically than ever before. Getting some physical exercise was Chris's idea. At that time I had severe histamine reactions even from minimal physical strain. If I walked up a staircase, I'd lose my voice for a week. I was suffering from chronic fatigue. I even had a mattress on the kitchen floor so I could lie down while cooking food. I had been trying to cure myself with exercise and it had only gotten worse. I did some very light zumba classes together with seniors. Some of the seniors took three classes in a row. If I endured more than half a class, I would get some really strange bodily reactions (I have now realized that they were Kundalini-related, like many others things I have gone through) and a rapid development of stomach flue. It resembled the beginning of anafylactic shock, but it never developed into anything dangerous, and according to tests, it seemed to be something else. I was extremely sensitive even to walking. Thus, getting exercise was easier said than done. I did have positive experiences from yoga, though. That seemed to be the only physical strain that my body could tolerate. So I found myself a yoga studio that was close enough for me to actually go there and started doing yoga at a frantic rate. I felt that I couldn't afford having all that brain fog if I were to meditate. And wow, what a difference it made. I no longer have chronic fatigue. I don't suffer from brain fog anymore. It also helped with other energetic symptoms. This is why I still take yoga classes in the midst of the corona pandemic. It is my lifeline. Thankyou Chris!
Actually, the way you make long association chains and the rapidness of it, and the vibes around it, you kind of remind me of people with Tourette. That's a compliment. Also, bipolar and Tourette's tend to coexist within families. As far as I know, there is a genetic connection. Many years ago I read that there was a hypothesis that the same genes that led to bipolar disorder in some family members, led to Tourette's in others. It may have been an epigenetic thing. I haven't followed up on that report, though.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:39 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 1:39 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:20 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:18 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBless me not to awaken before I have locked in sufficient degrees of human decency, compassion and skillful means while I still believe in choices.
Bless me to always have skillful intentions, regardless of subjective sense of agency.
Bless me not to spiritually bypass.
Bless me never to patronize someone for caring.
Om Ah Hung So Ha.
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:44 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:44 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsIt's so weird that some people use partial insights to erase the meaning of their humanity. The true insight is that humanity is far more amazing than we ever really appreciated before. What an amazing universe, to allow the light of awareness and power of love and compassion to come into being. That is an even more incredible phenomena than a supernova.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:58 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 3:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIn fact, it is my highest priority when looking for a teacher. That was the case from the beginning, and if that should change, I seriously hope that people around me will protest and punch me on the nose if necessary, or even lock me up.
It really is incredible, isn't it? I feel sorry for those who miss out on that. And yes, it is only partial insight that makes people deny their humanity, isn't it? I'm so grateful that I have had the glimpses that I have had, already at this stage, because they made such a deep impact that I can't see myself denying them completely even during disorienting times of purification. At least that's my hope.
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:11 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:11 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:19 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:40 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/15/20 4:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:45 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsBless me not to awaken before I have locked in sufficient degrees of human decency, compassion and skillful means while I still believe in choices.
Bless me to always have skillful intentions, regardless of subjective sense of agency.
Bless me not to spiritually bypass.
Bless me never to patronize someone for caring.
Om Ah Hung So Ha.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:51 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:51 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBless me not to awaken before I have locked in sufficient degrees of human decency, compassion and skillful means while I still believe in choices.
Bless me to always have skillful intentions, regardless of subjective sense of agency.
Bless me not to spiritually bypass.
Bless me never to patronize someone for caring.
Om Ah Hung So Ha.
Thankyou!
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI'm also horrified that maybe this is how terry interpreted me, and what made him react so strongly. If so, I'm fuckin' hurt.
And I'm terrified of transforming into someone who non-thinks like that. Please let me die instead, if those are the only alternatives!
A more rational voice says that the fact that I react so strongly to this indicates that the universe will continue to unfold in a way that lets me care. But a much louder voice screams "What if the path is a recepy for psychopathology?!" And so I need to remind myself of all the compassionate realized people (yes, people!, but of course it is not really the person that is realized, but fucking language is designed that way) that I also know exist in the relative world. Any reminders of this here in my log are most welcome. And if someone feels the need to make this into a debate here in my log, then go fuck your fucking nonself!
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:38 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:38 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsYou are safe, and worthwhile, and loved, and you are a miracle. As are we all.
Metta. And time now for metta.
Malcolm
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI just saw antisemist propaganda in the name of the dharma and I'm officially freaking out.
Before I started my daily practice, this is exactly the sort of situation that would have triggered a seizure. I can't escape into that anymore.
Hm, weird, that thought just made me very calm. It feels like something is pushing its way out of my head, and I know that there is enough inner stillness to balance it.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 12:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 12:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsHm, weird, that thought just made me very calm. It feels like something is pushing its way out of my head, and I know that there is enough inner stillness to balance it.
I have been noticing something that I can't quite put my finger on since that shift today. It's like I notice that there is still openness happening in the midst of fucking freaking out. Even when physical contractions are happening very tangibly, because I'm ticcing frantically (muscle tensions in feet and stomach), there is energetic openness. I can feel kinesthetically that the energy channels are open. Exactly how is hard to say, and I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it feels like the universe is telling me that it is safe to have strong human feelings and open up to centerless at the same time, that it doesn't have to be one or the other.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:02 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:01 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI'm also horrified that maybe this is how terry interpreted me, and what made him react so strongly. If so, I'm fuckin' hurt.
And I'm terrified of transforming into someone who non-thinks like that. Please let me die instead, if those are the only alternatives!
Linda, Fear is fine, a well-designed stage of insight to be passed through regulary, arriving at its arisal without effort, living with it without hurry, and finally seeing it without fear, that paradox that may be close to why the language gets so screwy so fast: fearless seeing of fear arising and passing.
A more rational voice says that the fact that I react so strongly to this indicates that the universe will continue to unfold in a way that lets me care. But a much louder voice screams "What if the path is a recepy for psychopathology?!"
I think you have a fondness for "dissolution" yourself, i've heard you say a lot of things along those lines.
And so I need to remind myself of all the compassionate realized people (yes, people!, but of course it is not really the person that is realized, but fucking language is designed that way) that I also know exist in the relative world. Any reminders of this here in my log are most welcome.
And compassionate unrealized actual people!
And if someone feels the need to make this into a debate here in my log, then go fuck your fucking nonself!
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 3:41 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:17 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYes, compassionate non-realized people too, of course. It's just that at the moment it is the not caring in realized people that scares the crap out of me.
Yup, that was me. That's how the universe unfolds, as me telling spiritual bypassers to go fuck their fucking nonselves.
edited to add: I was touched by your standing up for me and de-gaslighting me in that thread. I have faith that you will retain your humanity, but I promise that if I ever see you at risk of losing it, I will personally punch your nose, albeit most likely only verbally. Please promise me to do the same for me.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:28 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:28 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsPlease promise me to do the same for me.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:40 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:40 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsBut really? I'm harmless.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 1:51 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLet's not give up on each other, okay?
I'm a Marine Corps brat. Marines die saving other Marines. That's just how it is.
I scare the shit out of you,
Let it be acknowledged in full.
so you will comply,
yes, i am your love slave.
and I can take a hint -
that's what i said--- i am your love slave. that is called a hint.
and I find that one asshole is quite enough
No, you said you were polyamorous.
so...
haaammmmm. . .
I think we're good.
But really? I'm harmless.
the fuck you say. You're as dangerous as they come.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:08 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 2:08 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:05 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:05 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:19 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:19 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:24 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:24 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt just felt... normal.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:32 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:32 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIt just felt... normal.
You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.
In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:37 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt just felt... normal.
You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.
In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.
I did both. (Keeping the context of it, as you like it.)
I can assure you, there was a very hearty smile of recognition over here. I embrace my weirdness. Normality is overrated.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:45 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:42 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt just felt... normal.
You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.
In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.
I did both. (Keeping the context of it, as you like it.)
I can assure you, there was a very hearty smile of recognition over here. I embrace my weirdness. Normality is overrated.
And I also instantly pondered the humor in instantly seeing the vipassana side of that comment. It's fucking hillarious.
For a moment I thought that maybe I'm also in manic lucidity. Then I realized that this is actually my normal.
Except when it's not.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:54 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:54 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsI know, i know! "Normal."
My head has exploded and filled all space with the petals of blown flowers.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:57 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:57 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI know, i know! "Normal."
My head has exploded and filled all space with the petals of blown flowers.
You have a way with words, my dear.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:00 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:00 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:38 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:37 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThat's not saying much, no offense to anyone.
True. But it's very reassuring when someone does pick up on it, because I often find myself wondering whether I was just imagining communicating.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:39 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:47 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:47 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsIt just felt... normal.
You of course went straight to the wisdom-meditative side of my remark, applying a vipassana attention to whatever arises, and agreed. But if you flip the coin of the remark, it is also sort of an affectionate joke: "consider the source" is maybe an Americanism, and usually implies a dissonance. Like a manic person talking about sanity, me, say, and people nod and say, "Yes, but consider the source." Meaning, maybe partly, well, yeah, but this is a crazy guy's take on sanity. That was the joke side: yours is an abnormal person's normality. You'd be surprised how many people don't consider multiple round trips through the Clear light and into the bardos, cycling through emptiness and rebirth multiple times, to be a normal night's sleep.
In wasn't looking for agreement, darling, i was looking for laughter.
I did both. (Keeping the context of it, as you like it.)
I only prefer enough context to keep a balance with the danger and cost of misunderstanding. If I were anticipating a full on red-zone dharma battle ground melee here, i would even ask that you keep the entire post together with the fullest use of reply-with-quote, even if it starts taking five minutes to scroll down to the working bottom of a mile high stream of single letters on the lines.
I believe that is what you mean by "as you like." I thought i had only done it with people where i suspected i might lose my, uh, decorum, and it makes the moderator's job easier in those instances. i can well imagine using it in a context where i thought an prolonged exchange might clarify something, even without danger of bloodshed, as a transcript the person could consider as a whole and maybe see something.
I just realized you probably didn't even mean the whole box-within-a-box full-on type of context, but were addressing my deep appreciation of context, context, context in general.
You make me feel so slow sometimes. I spend a certain amount of time lately realizing sometime later that i missed your point spectacularly, and went on and on time belaboring points you had done the math on invisibly and easily even before anything was said at all, while missing the elephant in the living room you had actually pointed out.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:56 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:56 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsYes, I meant context in general. And I kind of wanted to keep the dialogue intact for the art of it. And I had fun in the absurdity of building that wall of text, as if we would need it.
When a manic person says I make him feel slow, that says something. See now why I might be risky business?
At least you see that you missed the elephant in the room. Most people don't.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:58 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/16/20 11:58 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:02 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:02 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThat's very possible. I have a tendency to impulsively push the publish button too soon. Sorry! I don't remember. I am happy, though, but not because of that.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:13 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:13 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:31 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:31 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:34 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:34 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:27 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 12:27 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 12:14 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 12:14 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsIt just felt... normal.
Only at DhO: getting perspicacious reality checks from someone who is in the midst of fullblown mania. *smiling warmly*
To that I can now also add finding one(not)self confiding in a self-proclaimed narcissist who turns out to be a compassionate listener with great respect and sensitivity for one's boundaries. I love how this opens up possibilities.
I failed at my attempt to do just sitting for 30 minutes today. First there were itches, then distractive thoughts, then dullness. There was also some very welcome spaciousness intermittently.
I have spent quite some time "just reclining" after that, resting in direct awareness with a long period without discursive thoughts. Rather early on in the session, there was brightness, which I paid attention to (okay, not just reclining then). If I remember correctly, it faded after a while. Then there was one of those headpops as I let go of a thought in the midst of its arising (this was before the period without discursive thoughts). The pop was followed by brightness and a strong sense of presence. Then I just kept dwelling in that. It was pleasant.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:10 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:10 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsLinda:
Only at DhO: getting perspicacious reality checks from someone who is in the midst of fullblown mania. *smiling warmly*
To that I can now also add finding one(not)self confiding in a self-proclaimed narcissist who turns out to be a compassionate listener with great respect and sensitivity for one's boundaries. I love how this opens up possibilities.
Linda, I am not going to flag this--- i don't know what "perspicacious" means, but I am betting it is a name-calling violation. "Midst of a fullblown mania," of course, is your usual perpicacious accuracy on the truth.
i'm betting that [expletive deleted, per DhO forum guidelines] agnostic will flag this though, that self-proclaimed narcissist with a heart of gold that belongs to everyone, since it belongs to No One.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:37 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:37 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe dictionary said that it meant receptive, showing keen insight, so I sure hope it does.
Tim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:47 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:46 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsThe dictionary said that it meant receptive, showing keen insight, so I sure hope it does.
Some call me the gangster of love!
Some People Call Me the Space Cowboy(The Joker) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h66V1hYAjG0
T, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:39 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:39 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 279 Join Date: 1/15/19 Recent PostsTim Farrington, modified 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:50 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/21/20 6:50 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 2464 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent PostsNo, actually I'm having that soup course you've been slurping lately and am ALL FUCKED UP BY BLISS.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 11:32 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 11:32 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI did some guru yoga with warrior seed syllables (yes, I'm doing that routine in spite of the absurdity of visualizing a milky white liquid coming down over me from Taphiritsa who appears to be totally butt-naked in the pictures; in doing it, I'm not visualizing it like that, okay). It started to cut through the very much embodied hypomania. Then I did the inner refuge prayer (also Ligmincha stuff) and then lay down to open up to the inner stillness, the silence and the spaciousness. It was a haven. I fell asleep while retaining lucidity. I was sleep deprived, so that was a blessing. It was very bright for a while, and there was a strong presence. Then I listened to myself snoring for quite some time, just being there with my sleeping body. Then it was bright again. Then there were thoughts, and there was a recognition that the stillness was still with me.
One of the first thoughts that appeared was that the non-doer paradox is none other than the usual determinism vs free will conundrum, and I concluded 25 years ago that I'm a compatibilistic determinist, and that seems to hold up to phenomenology. I didn't suddenly vaporize like a mirage 25 years ago upon realizing that, so there is no risk that I will now.
And I recalled a friend of mine telling me about how one of the other students in her anthropology class suddenly rised up from her seat saying "This is all an illusion. None of you exists." She had then walked out from the class never to come back. At least she had the decency not to ask any of her "non-existing" class mates for donations. I guess she had gotten rid of some more fetters.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 3:27 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 3:27 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsHe swept through the forum like a whirlwind, leaving few untouched, I'd guess. I'll miss him here.
Smiling Stone, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 5:00 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 5:00 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 341 Join Date: 5/10/16 Recent PostsAnd I feel like I pressed the wrong button in getting him excited...
Aargh....
Yes, a true whirlwind. I got into his groove as well.
If you can pm me his email, I'll write tomorrow (to bed now)
That's why the dho looks so quiet tonight...
Love
Smiling stone
Not two, not one, modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 7:23 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 7:23 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1038 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent PostsMalcolm
Siavash ', modified 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 10:10 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/17/20 10:10 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 1679 Join Date: 5/5/19 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 5:09 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 5:09 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 12:59 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 12:59 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsThe unclenching refers to noticing that body parts are clenched up and allowing them to let go. It is weird how some tensions arise over and over again. It is often the shoulders and the neck. I somehow tend to arch my chest upwards and tilt my neck backwards, like in exorcism movies. I also often get painful cramps in my ankles. It seems like that's where blockages move when they are released somewhere else, and then I need to move them to get the tensions out of my system and allow energies to move more freely.
I have some of those head poppings again.
I think the kind of work I'm doing now is preparation work. I seem to need it in some parts of the spiraling. It seems like it's a process of alligning the subconscious by using one of its languages, that is, kinesthetic energy work. It is also restful, restoring, nourishing, probably also what is referred to as purification.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 1:40 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/18/20 1:33 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsLinda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 4:45 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/19/20 4:45 AM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent PostsI just had a yoga class. Perception shifted a bit back and forth between perspectives.
I'm not entirely in touch with the spaciousness, but it is there, beyond the samsaric clouds (beyond is not the same thing as behind; phenomenology is futile with regard to this sort of thing).
I'm sitting under a pink fluff of cherry blossom, drinking the beauty of the blossom and of the joy of people passing by who are appreciating the beauty of the cherry blossom. There is a ripple effect to that as well.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 3:36 PM
Created 3 Years ago at 4/20/20 2:34 PM
RE: Polly Ester’s practice log 7
Posts: 7134 Join Date: 12/8/18 Recent Posts*edit: no, actually it was the one before the last one.