Message Boards Message Boards

Practices Inspired by Actualism

How to investigate the belief of "good life" (authority)?

Toggle
Another belief that I must investigate is often activated when I am "outside" walking among people ... especially in this summer season ... more specifically in those places where couples and families stroll by and laze around.

Keep in mind that I am a 30 years old never-been-in-relationship single

Upon noticing these couples and families, I react by "internally cringing". Why? I find myself to be unworthy. Why? I have "failed" to live a good life set out by the high-status individuals (those couples and families). What is the problem? I reluctantly want be like them, and then confidently show my newfound status to others. If not, I remain a low status individual deserving contempt - which contempt is, in my imagination, exemplified by those couples and families "looking down" upon me ("hah, look at that loner!") as I walk by.

I sense there is an issue here with authority. Why do I give such power to these "positions" in life? Obviously I have an intellectual understanding of "I don't have to raise a family to be happy" and yet, here I am - cringing in fear.

I must note that libido plays a significant role in this belief as, among all the couples, only those with an attractive female partner tend to have a strong triggering effect of this belief.

Any tips, triggers or AF correspondence links to further my investigation?

RE: How to investigate the belief of "good life" (authority&
Answer
5/29/11 7:49 PM as a reply to Harry Potter.
I have similar issues. I'm a 17 year old, and today I was just sort of walking through my neighborhood, walking alone with a slightly foolish grin, going past a few teenage guys and girls playing tennis or swimming or whatever... all doing what is conventionally thought of as the things that bring true happiness, the things any well-adjusted teenager would do... etc.

I think you already know the way to get past this, it's just a matter of trying it over and over. just see that there's no real value in fitting in with society's norms, that you are hurting yourself, that you are furthering your fears by making yourself less confident and more prone to being a loner.

I definitely get what it is like to be a loner, I think it's just a matter of learning not to value what society 'wants' you to be or do.

oh also, a trap i got into when doing this. I'd start to hide my lack of fitting in by creating another identity that they could accept me as (this is just the shit that goes on in my mind) I'd put this really serene expression on my face, look off into the distance, pretend to be in deep thought, thinking, as long as they think I'm way smarter than them it will be OK, or as long as they think I'm really happy it will be OK, I'll be like an exotic but still cool bird.

any attempt to modify behavior is misguided, it leads to repression of thoughts, behavior is the symptom not the disease. Only think about your perception

also, I try and take shelter in the physical actual world, constantly thinking, they are physical pieces of the universe, I am a physical piece of the universe, what we are doing doesn't matter. perceive only the physical. good lucks.

RE: How to investigate the belief of "good life" (authority&
Answer
5/29/11 9:34 PM as a reply to adam ,.
Yup, just gotta work through those beliefs. Cut them off. Find their sources and make those sources harmless. The more you delight in the senses and wonder the less their opinions matter. Its funny because soon some of these issues just won't come up and you'll feel so much lighter.

Just thought i'd comment about the "loner" label and loneliness in general. Loneliness is a feeling and when made harmless, disappears. One just delights and wonders. Only a self can be lonely. Therefore, less self translates to lesser degrees of the loneliness feeling. Also, the self who "was" a loner is disappearing and one doesn't see themselves that way anymore and eventually doesn't see themselves at all. Their are no loners in the actual world or any loneliness.

Most issues you have can be found somewhere in Richards correspondences. They are of great help.

Whittle, Whittle, Whittle!

Adam,

although you can see yourself as smarter than others (common phenomenon and which I have often been victim to), this mode of perception is not actual and therefore, will eventually disappear through the actualism method as well as other ways "you" view "yourself". In PCE, one perceives their surroundings without judgement so maybe when in pce or ee watch how you perceive people and make that harmless including desire when seeing a woman or aggression when watching those other teenagers play. Watch a sense turn into a passion and leave it harmless. Example, see a woman, desire arises almost instantly.
delight, wonder, sensuous attention, and pure intent. dismantle all else.

RE: How to investigate the belief of "good life" (authority&
Answer
5/29/11 9:43 PM as a reply to Adam Bieber.
yep - I said that was what not to do

RE: How to investigate the belief of "good life" (authority&
Answer
6/3/11 8:59 PM as a reply to adam ,.
adam ,:
I have similar issues. I'm a 17 year old, and today I was just sort of walking through my neighborhood, walking alone with a slightly foolish grin, going past a few teenage guys and girls playing tennis or swimming or whatever... all doing what is conventionally thought of as the things that bring true happiness, the things any well-adjusted teenager would do... etc.

I think you already know the way to get past this, it's just a matter of trying it over and over. just see that there's no real value in fitting in with society's norms, that you are hurting yourself, that you are furthering your fears by making yourself less confident and more prone to being a loner.

I definitely get what it is like to be a loner, I think it's just a matter of learning not to value what society 'wants' you to be or do.


Methinks it is much more than learning not to value what society 'wants' me to be or do. I suspect I need to arrive at a visceral and personal - rather than a mere intellectual - understanding.

When you said I think you already know the way to get past this, I recalled my past felicity experience which made me realize again how vital it is to do all this investigation from the stage of feeling good.

If I am not feeling good, then I MUST get back to feeling good as soon as possible. Until then, no amount of investigation can succeed.

adam ,:

oh also, a trap i got into when doing this. I'd start to hide my lack of fitting in by creating another identity that they could accept me as (this is just the shit that goes on in my mind) I'd put this really serene expression on my face, look off into the distance, pretend to be in deep thought, thinking, as long as they think I'm way smarter than them it will be OK, or as long as they think I'm really happy it will be OK, I'll be like an exotic but still cool bird.


I did that too. I guess it is a natural coping mechanism. A layer on top of the 'good life' belief. Got to peel it.

adam ,:

any attempt to modify behavior is misguided, it leads to repression of thoughts, behavior is the symptom not the disease. Only think about your perception

also, I try and take shelter in the physical actual world, constantly thinking, they are physical pieces of the universe, I am a physical piece of the universe, what we are doing doesn't matter. perceive only the physical. good lucks.


I do hope you now realize why "perceiv only the physical" is not enough. :-) Good luck to you too, fella.

RE: How to investigate the belief of "good life" (authority&
Answer
6/5/11 10:57 PM as a reply to Harry Potter.
Harry Potter:

Upon noticing these couples and families, I react by "internally cringing". Why? I find myself to be unworthy. Why? I have "failed" to live a good life set out by the high-status individuals (those couples and families). What is the problem? I reluctantly want be like them, and then confidently show my newfound status to others. If not, I remain a low status individual deserving contempt - which contempt is, in my imagination, exemplified by those couples and families "looking down" upon me ("hah, look at that loner!") as I walk by.


Read this today, found it relevant to your post. I've read similar things before but this struck me differently and though you may have read this already, I thought I'd share. Good luck. Ed

Peter (on the need to belong)
http://actualfreedom.com.au/library/topics/belonging.htm

Secondly, the other faculty I see as essentially pre-coded is an instinctual need to ‘belong’ to the herd – the herding instinct, as Vineeto puts it. It might seem banal and obvious given that humans, as a species, have perennially needed to maintain, at very least, a family grouping in order to ensure the survival of the species. Given that the human infant is helpless for such a long time compared with most other species, the immediate family group was the basic minimum need, and the chance of survival was considerably increased with larger and stronger groupings. This is an instinctual program that over-rides the individual’s own survival instincts for one is ultimately programmed to ensure survival of the species – not one’s own, as in self-preservation. Given that these involve more sophisticated programming than mere instantaneous ‘fight and flight’ reactions they must be encoded in the genetic memory of the amygdala, passed on from ‘way back there’, in the mists of time.

This instinct, implanted by blind nature to ensure the survival of the species, pumps the body with chemicals that induce the feeling of fear whenever one is straying too far away from the herd, abandoning other members of the family or group or being on one’s own. I remember particularly, in my early twenties, travelling across Europe and the Middle East on my way home from London and arriving at the border with Iran. I was turned away at an isolated border post as I didn’t have a visa and I was struck with a deep sense of panic, a feeling of utter loneliness. Looking back, it was as though I had gone too far striking off on my own and had hit the limit. This feeling of loneliness was to haunt me for many years – the image of becoming a lonely old man on a park bench, outcast and abandoned. It coincidentally was to prove one of the images that made me leap into the spiritual world with such gusto. I was to lose this fear later in life but living alone was always accompanied by a bitter-sweet feeling of loneliness...

From my investigations and experiences it is obvious that ‘who’ I think and feel I am – ‘me’ at the core – encompasses both a deep-set feeling of separateness from others and the world as perceived by the senses as well as a deep-set feeling of needing to ‘belong’.

This over-arching feeling of separateness – of being a ‘separate self’, who is forever yearning to ‘belong’ – is the root cause of sorrow in me and the all encompassing ‘ocean’ of human sorrow in the world.