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Shri's Log

Shri's Log
5/6/20 6:00 PM
I am 28 years old normal guy who recently got interested in dhamma. I seriously started meditating since September 2019, but very dilligently since January 2020. I have attended one Goenka 10-day course where I spent most of the time stressing about why I am not able to get to the subtle sensations, purifications, etc.

Goal is freedom from suffering. Daily motivation comes from the already gathered momentum (steady practice since 2-3 months). Also I have faith in the teaching.

Current Practice
Noting, 1 hour session, twice a day.

Motivation To Log
To have something to track how practice changes over time. I also tend to have weak memory of what happens in a sit, writing it down helps me compare current experience. I pubish this on Dho to seek feedback.

RE: Shri's Log
3/23/20 9:13 PM as a reply to Shri.
Recent logs in reverse order -

March 17, 2020
  • 50 minutes @ 11:00 AM
  • Started out with a lot of negative feelings or what I currently understand as ill-will.
  • But the session was to the point, very alert, felt that corrections were made whenever there were distractions, detecting loss of equanimity etc.
  • Lots of thoughts coming and going, of different weight/force. Proliferation happened only for a few.
  • At one point breath was very very subtle, for around 2 minutes.
  • Overall there is a general sense of the body and background awareness of sensations but attention/awareness tends to be more interested in thoughts or mental objects. 

March 16, 2020
  • 50 minutes @ 8:00 AM
  • 50 minutes @ 12:30 PM
  • 35 minutes @ 6:00 PM
  • Morning and afternoon sessions were focused, attention seldom leaving sensations.
  • Noting thoughts & sounds was quick and non-verbal, helping with distractions
  • Got stuck in a loop of finding the self for a while, which proliferated but not too far away from breath.
  • Evening session noticed that sometimes I do intentional breathing when I am trying to go for sensation clarity. Will watch out for this in next sessions.

March 15, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 6:00 PM
  • Started the times after the pre-practice routine which took 8 minutes.
  • The sit felt very different, and felt better quality of concentration and clarity.
  • It was easy to stay on the breath even without counting.
  • The breath often did not remain the only object of attention, but it was always close, and clear.
  • Noted a lot of thoughts at early stages, but still felt I was missing a lot more.
  • Balance between awareness and attention (introspective) still needs stability, but it feels that I have at least something to work with.
  • When the attention was stable on the breath, trying to find the joy, generating feeling, it felt a little weird and forced.
  • The sit was kind of enjoyable and interesting since it was new.

March 15, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 9:45 AM
  • First third of the sit had an energetic mind, but also vigilant noting and correction of distractions but not continuous attention on breath sensations.
  • Tried to fine tune attention and awareness, always tended to over attend or under attend breath in order to balance.
  • Last third felt continuous but forced focus on breath. Was able to note hindrance of restlessness and aversion to sitting.
  • Thought proliferation was very limited.
March 14, 2020
  • 51 minutes @ 8:50 AM
  • Very little dullness and almost no mind wandering.
  • Small intervals where breath sensations were very detailed.
  • Mind felt very nimble yet never left the breath sensations, although sensation clarity varied.
  • Ended session with doing nothing for 6 minutes. Felt little weird doing nothing and also I realized how little I know about the mind without relying on second hand information. Doing nothing was almost like noting without labeling, as my attention kept switching between sensations thoughts and feelings and little mind proliferation and then realizing it.
  • Although alert the mind did not seem calm.
March 13, 2020
  • 48 minutes @ 11:45 AM
  • Practiced TMI + noting distractions.
  • Memory of early practice is weak but felt it went well.
  • Attention to breath sensations and counting and very quick in noting distractions and restarting counting. It was sort of fun. No time to feel bad about anything because everything can be noted.
  • Most notes were ‘thought’ or ‘thought proliferation’ or ‘doubt in method’.
  • Started seeing outside light through closed eyelids, and tension building in the upper body, chest, shoulders, eyes. Noted anticipation/secretly wishing for something to happen.
  • After the above, I switched to only note and not be attentive to breath sensations for around 5 minutes.
  • Very soon mind went into complete scatter mode with some noting in between. From then on I switched back to breath + noting, but thought distractions were very strong.
  • After the last bell, just sat and observed everything without any set method. Did this for 3 minutes.
March 13, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 8:45 AM
  • Started with Metta for self. Set intention to let any feeling to come and go without me trying to change it.
  • Very interesting for 30 minutes, without any forgetting at all.
  • Very sharp perception for distractions and could recognize how thought always accompanies sensation and is giving constant commentary.
  • Penetrating sensation and looking at it in detail was done better than most of the sessions overall.
  • Was constantly looking for things I could log in this journal which might be a hindrance.
  • I find myself noting a lot recently.

March 12, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 5:00 PM
  • Although explicit attention to sensation was divided, the session felt very good for the first 25 minutes.
  • Required less effort than usual. I had an unacknowledged intention to try this.
  • Was able to catch the looking at what it was doing, example was able see the mind catch itself being distracted by some thought or some sensation at a earlier than normal.
  • Also was able to not indulge in negatively reacting to state of meditation.
  • Last part of meditation was full of distractions Attempted to notice the feeling of being restless and craving to hear the end bell.
March 12, 2020
  • 49 minutes @ 9:00 AM
  • Sensation not sharp.
  • First half of the session was able to remember before wandering started.
  • Last half had mind wandering and dullness.
  • Last 5 minutes were good, and had the feeling of being able to hold attention (even though sensations were muddy) without too much effort or will.
  • Noticed my approach is very ad hoc. Need more structure to it. Will take notes from TMI and stick to them for a few sessions.
March 11, 2020
  • 33 minutes @ 5:30 PM
  • Sensation very muddy, probably due to dullness.
  • Lots of distractions, counting was becoming mechanical. But still helped.
  • Able to remember to note hindrances.
  • Discomfort due to leg falling asleep.
  • Ended due to phone call.
March 11, 2020
  • 35 minutes @ 12:00 PM
  • Practiced in the office.
  • Sensations of breath were sharper than usual.
  • The attention was resting well on the sensations, although there were gross distractions making the breath go in the background.
  • Used counting to aid attention, this seemed useful and also it was tricky to not force counting or stop it from being mechanical.
  • Ended session to pee.
March 11, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 7.15 AM
  • Practiced attention on sensation of breath.
  • Goal is to minimize gross distractions (when breath goes into the background).
  • Duration and clarity of attention on the breath better than yesterday but still fragile.
  • Fairly quick to notice wandering and correct.
  • Remembered to make sure attention is on actual sensation when correcting.
  • Time went quickly, and there is a very weak memory of the practice itself.
  • Mild discomfort in lower back at the start 5 minutes, leg fell asleep at the last 5 minutes.

March 10, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 5.00 PM
  • Practiced attention on sensations of breath.
  • Spent most of the sit half asleep. Attention not clear and very fragile, very easily distracted into day-dreaming.
  • Time went quickly, and there is a very weak memory of the practice itself.
  • Guilt due to indulging in weed and stuff.

RE: Shri's Log
3/23/20 9:13 PM as a reply to Shri.
March 19, 2020
  • 50 minutes @ 10:50 AM
  • Started out with very little resistance from the mind.
  • Concentration was continuous and clear for about 20 minutes, with the sensations of breath, and also noticing all the other stimuli.
  • Then suddenly I noticed I had some tension built up in the face area which I allowed to relax. This led to a super comfortable state, which also led to thought distraction for around 5-10 minutes. Remembered to just remain equanimous but could not really settle in.
  • Keep noticing the thread in mind that the observer is looking at everything (aka noticing the observer trap). Not actually looking at the observer, but since every other object in experience is being objectified as thought, sensation etc, the only thing left is the objectifier. This particular noticing feels like a thought + feeling (+ optional emotion).
  • Last few minutes were back to regular concentration on breath and noticing distractions etc.

March 18, 2020
  • Morning and evening sessions were tough.
  • Concentration was weak and I ended the evening session 2-3 minutes short.
  • This led to the rest of the day being a little under stress, not too bad, but I felt I had to be vigilant not to get give into feelings of anger, depression, confusion etc.
  • Sleepiness throughout the day took a lot of attention.

RE: Shri's Log
3/20/20 1:10 PM as a reply to Shri.
March 20, 2020
  • 50 minutes @ 9.45 AM
  • Mind could not calm down for concentration to be steady on the breath.
  • Gave up after 30 minutes and switched to noting with short labels.
  • This helped a lot to limit thought proliferation and awareness started to become sharp and noticing a lot of subtle movements: sensations, sounds, patterns and depth in the visual field, and occasionally emotions of fear (during the visual patterns) and anticipation.
  • Perception of certain types of objects seems slow and weak as compared to speed of noting. Example it takes 4-5 seconds to actually break down a thought/signal of a sensation into actual sensations, but it is very easy to note that there is some sensation there.
  • This delay is significantly short for thoughts, emotions, sounds and sights.

March 20, 2020
3/21/20 4:48 PM as a reply to Shri.
March 20, 2020
  • 55 minutes @ 11:30 AM
  • There were short stretches of solid attention on breath, and the rest of the time went noticing distractions and also mind wandering due to interesting insightful thoughts which seemed important for practice.
  • Spent a lot of time contemplating this idea: mindfulness/observation/attention/awareness whatever cannot be done without a self. That is to say: if there is an observation there has to be an observer. And if something is being observed it cannot be self, it is just an object of observation. And mindfulness is a remembrance of this idea.

RE: Shri's Log
3/22/20 6:08 AM as a reply to Shri.
Just wanted to say that this sounds like good practice Shri!  It seems like the combination of both breath awareness/relaxation and gentle use of noting is working for you.

RE: Shri's Log
3/22/20 1:49 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Thanks for the encouragement shargrol. In fact, I have adjusted my practice & attitude based on the tips from your postsemoticon

March 22, 2020
3/22/20 1:51 PM as a reply to Shri.
March 22, 2020
  • 60 minutes @ 9:40 AM
  • First 45 minutes were full of thoughts and I could not stick to more than 5 breaths in a row. Mind felt energetic and restless.
  • Last 15 minutes switched to noting. Which was started out with very quick short notes, around 2 per second I think. The contact with the actual objects of noting was very shallow, but attention kept switching quickly.
  • In the last 5 minutes settled into a more calmer noting (1 per 2 seconds), which felt more natural.
  • Overall an unusually distracted session, but happy that I did not get frustrated and was very interested and willing to work with the experience.

March 23, 2020
3/23/20 11:21 AM as a reply to Shri.
March 23, 2020
  • 60 minutes 8:00 AM
  • Started out with heavy dullness.
  • Concentration was weak throughout the hour, but some short stretches with good clarity of sensations and general awareness.
  • Could notice aversion for distractions and mind proliferation, and made corrections.
  • Realized that my usual self-talk is very strict and harsh and leads to frustration.
  • Is low self-esteem and not liking self the reason for interest in meditation since it promises transformation of self and questions its importance.

March 23, 2020 PM
3/23/20 9:14 PM as a reply to Shri.
  • 60 minutes @ 5:00 PM
  • A lot of thought activity related to a busy day. Disconnected to actual sensations. This went for around 15 minutes.
  • Following breathing sensations calmed the mind activity, and as clarity increased kept relaxing the tensions held in the body, mostly face, forehead & eyes.
  • At one point concentration became very smooth and easy, and there was very clear awareness of lots of stuff going on. Body feels light. There are very lightweight thoughts which come  and go very very quickly, and a lot of it like a narration, or labelling of stuff going on. Tried to notice more and drop effort lost into this narration for some time. This went on for I guess 10-20 minutes maybe more..
  • Concentration dropped in the last 5 - 10 minutes switched to just sitting and not doing anything.

March 26, 2020
3/26/20 3:35 PM as a reply to Shri.
March 24, 2020
  • 35 minutes @ 9:00 AM
  • Lots of frustration and craving for practice to progress.
  • Kept chasing intellectual insights and going in directions which lead to mind wandering and loss of awareness.
  • This reminded me of the mini version of the state I was at the Goenka course, the difference is that nowadays I am able to notice this state as just a state of mind and not roll in it.
  • It seems that practice has regressed in terms of focus and mind wandering is happening again. Will go over tips in TMI to counter this before the coming sits.
  • 45 minutes @ 4:00 PM
  • Started out with an explicit resolve to not forget and keep gently being with the breath and whatever comes up. This was to make sure I keep the session going into mind wandering.
  • This seemed to work.
  • Went into a state of good concentration again where the body feels light and full / inflated, especially arms and upper body, the state is pleasant. It is easy to keep at the breath, and be aware.
  • I am not 100% sure about the level of dullness, will check next time. TMI talks about pleasurable dullness at this stage.
  • When this happens the body is absolutely still, and movement of breath, heart beat , abdomen etc is detectable. Breath is never out of awareness.
  • I am not what effect moving the body will have on this state, will try next time.
  • This continues for 10-15 minutes and the unusual sensation in the body fades away, but the concentration and awareness remains.

March 26, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 8.30 AM
  • Fairly good attention and wide awareness. In the last 5-10 minutes went into exploration.
  • There were many distractions but not a lot of mind wandering. The breath sensations were always close.
  • Could notice visual parts of awareness and attention, and how they are always so difficult to detach from, in the sense, it is easy to distance from / observe sensations, sounds, even thoughts but how I have always missed the visual field. It is still extremely difficult to stabilize attention to be able to discern this part of experience. For example when attending sensation of breath there is always this visual field which is accompanied / modified, but not really noticed unless it is very flashy.
  • This also seems to be related to the sense of space, shape of the body, my location within the body, the direction of attention.

March 28
3/28/20 3:44 PM as a reply to Shri.
March 27, 2020
  • 45 minutes @ 10:30 AM
  • New standards set for concentration in terms of clarity of sensation and exclusive attention, although not 100% continuous.
  • Very low level of effort went into this session.
  • Was really able to be with the sensations and ignore everything else.
  • Did not give into intellectualization and interesting thoughts.

March 28, 2020
  • The depth of feeling the breath sensation has improved (same as the last two sessions). Feels more exclusive and having a more clear discernment between sensation and everything else.
  • Sat for 30 minutes resolving to maintain this level of attention on the breath.
  • Last 10 minutes completely switched to noting with a short label. This felt great overall, relaxed, clear and non-sticky attention

March 28, 2020
3/30/20 5:14 PM as a reply to Shri.
Last 2-3 sessions (45 minutes each) I have spent 5 minutes on relaxing and breath concentration, and the rest of the session noting stuff that comes up. I start by noting the easy stuff, like sounds and gross body sensations and keep noticing more and more subtle things. I attempt to directly experience the things, and not intellectualize / interpreted experience.
I see the session going in phases, within some of which I am able to notice very subtle phenomena like very short lived thoughts, interesting body sensations, constant sounds (I might have developed Tinnitus emoticon ). But also phases where there was mind wandering, but those are short. I will continue to dedicate fixed time to noting for a few sessions.
In general, off-cusion life feels much calmer internally. I am able to recover from indulging in disruptive emotions and thoughts much quicker. It also feels that I am more self-honest and able to chill and not take myself too seriously; still working on this though.

April 1, 2020
4/1/20 4:07 PM as a reply to Shri.
Following structured noting as described here. It feels relaxed, silent and sensitive. Noting verbally seems a lot of action and I drop verbal noting at 40 minutes in. The subtlety of perception varies. Mental chatter is very sparse and low volume. The general mood is almost always very close to neutral almost pleasant. It was easy to be physically still, but intentional movement (got up to pee) did not disturb the zone. 60 minutes go by quickly. Catch urge to do something when it becomes quiet.

Tinnitus continues. It is not annoying yet, actually a little interesting.

  Found it useful for noting various states of mind during a session.

April 6
4/6/20 9:38 PM as a reply to Shri.
Not a lot changes from sit to sit, so I have decided to not log every session. I have increased the duration to 60 minutes, but do not make it till the end bell every time. The sessions are relaxed but feel lacking structure. The practice feels natural but also more susceptible to mind wandering than practicing concentration on breathing sensation. 90% of the times loss of mindfulness is due to intellectualization, i.e. thoughts that put sensations / mind states into some sort of framework and then proliferate on it, thoughts trying to understand practice. There is aversion to these thoughts, or craving for a perfect session.

April 20, 2020
4/20/20 12:50 PM as a reply to Shri.
I have been incorporanting Ken Mcleod’s suggestions emphasis on relaxing in the experience while being attentive. It is working for me in terms of being equanimous and not maintaining ill-will towards phenomena that arise.

In terms of structure, I am dividing each session into 1. breathing relaxing 2. noting sensations, 3. noting feelings and urges, 4. noting thoughts, 5. freeform noting. I seem to do well on relaxing and noting sensations, but feelings-urges and thoughts are very slippery. Urges are detectable but I tend to get lost is thought frequently. For feelings, I am able to discern broad moods and the occasional fear, anxiety, pleasantness.

For thoughts, I seem to never note “I am thinking x”, it is always “I just was thinking x”. The closest I can imagine I can come is knowing thinking is happening, noting is too disruptive. If someone reading this has some thoughts about this please let me know.

RE: Shri's Log
4/29/20 4:28 PM as a reply to Shri.
April 26, 2020
Able to maintain steady practice twice a day, but giving up before the end bell a a few times. Sometimes the session just seems pointless even though it starts out ok. No clear signs of improvement or deterioration in noting ability. Most sessions have periods of calm mind with a sense of space and it is very easy to note a lot of subtle things, and some periods of overwhelming thoughts. Some sessions never settle into a smooth period and I end up giving up, but I will set an intention to not preempt the session no matter how lame the session seems. Noticing the urge to give up and trying to recognize the domain of it often leads to calming the thoughts.
The urges to do something i.e. move, open eyes, or interesting thoughts are quite interesting at the moment and is a major blind spot, i.e. I do not seem to note a lot of these urges.
Earlier thoughts about the practice itself and trying to figure out intellectually have decreased. There is humbleness and acceptance that my usual tool (thinking) for solving challenges is only a phenomena. I still find myself subscribing to certain models but become aware that all understanding is subject to change.


April 28, 2020
I started out the last few sessions with an intention to not drop the verbal noting, because I was settling into non-verbal noting and it seems that I was getting into this state where attention would not seem alert and a bit too relaxed and eventually losing it. Keeping up the verbal noting worked well for the energy level and did not feel boring. The rate of noting varied, but if left alone I tended to note at every out breath.
The sessions have become almost easy. Morale fluctuates, but it is not too bad. The overall mood towards practice is on the darkside, but it is not too unpleasant.

RE: Shri's Log
5/6/20 6:05 PM as a reply to Shri.
  • Sessions feel far less mechanical than before and I am able to appreciate how the noting method automatically keeps me grounded and prevents mind wandering.
  • Each session I am trying to keep the stream of notes continuous and recognizing how the stuff comes and goes on its own. This is my attempt at noticing the 3C nature of things. I do not see the dukkha in most of it yet.
  • During the rest of the day, I frequently remember to be grounded and aware of moods, feelings and motivations. Frequently there is a mistrust of these moods, feelings and motivations which sometimes becomes disorienting and demotivating.

RE: Shri's Log
5/6/20 9:42 PM as a reply to Shri.
Hi Shri,

Good detailed log thanks, it seems to me that you are noting all the right kinds of stuff.

Sleepiness can be noted. Sometimes it is actually just disatisfaction (anger) with the meditation and noting will cause it to vanish. Sometimes it is due to lack of sleep, in which case you can stop fighting it and try to accept it/relax into it. It's actually a very valuable exercise to watch the mind falling asleep and see how the ego starts to dissolve and oberseve what the subconscious throws up as the ego loses its grip. Sometimes you will get a power nap or hypnagogic bounce and go back to meditating with more awareness.

Feeling disorientated and demotivated can feel like practice is not going well, but it's the opposite - your practice is going well because you are noticing these now. Same with fluctuations in mood. Keep it up!

Along with MCTB, if you haven't already read it you might benefit from Chapter 5 of Mahasi Sayadaw's Manual of Insight which can be found here. Chapter 5 is called "Practical Instructions" and is very similar to the booklet which is published separately called Progress of Insight I think. I found it a very inspiring personal account of what noting feels like and where it leads ...


RE: Shri's Log
5/8/20 5:23 PM as a reply to agnostic.
Hi agnostic, thank you for the tips!

I ususally note very large "states" like sleepy, foggy mind, clear mind etc. but never noticed an associated emotion. I very recently read about meditating before sleep to observe the mind just as you say, I will try it out.

I am currently reading MCTB  and will checkout Manual of Insight Ch 5 as well. I was avoiding getting too deep into these books because I noticed some time back that a lot of thoughts were about matching my experience to the accounts in these books emoticon. But I think it is time to continue reading them.

5/12/20 10:28 PM as a reply to Shri.
Spent some time noting intentions. This is a blind spot, goes unnoticed all the time. There is always a subtle agenda, and something feels like a momentum about many situations in a session. For instance, the intention to notice 3Cs of phenomena, or intention to relax.

I read something which was quite mind blowing yet so simple and obvious: What I consider as body is an inaccurate assumption. I have only know how the body looks, feels, etc. But these senses are limited to their domains. My mind automatically creates an object which connects all the information from these 6Ss. It is an assumption that there is a body, this assumption may be true or not does not matter. The mind is very clever at covering this up. This idea is fascinating and at the same time gives a feeling of vulnerability (fear). That there is this thing, body, and I am subjected to the million bad things that can happen to it. Yikes! Anicca..

And not only that, these mind concepts make up my entire world and life, such an elaborate illusion. My entire world in a way inside me. It also feels lonely, as people in my life are also part of this illusion. This is maya?...

This cleared up my understanding of nama-rupa. Rupa is transalted as form, and by form I understood the material, as in matter. But then according to the above, there is absolutely no access to matter, we can only access stuff at the 6Ss. So it seems my understanding that rupa is matter is totally wrong. And now that I check the definition of form - the way something appears, this seems to make sense, as form is only the way of appearance, and not the thing that appears.

RE: Shri's Log
5/13/20 6:22 PM as a reply to Shri.
An unusual state comes in meditation 30-40 minutes in which is tough to describe but I will give it a shot:
  1. Is mildly pleasant.
  2. Body has a lot of super fine buzzing, it feels full of “energy”.
  3. No dullness, very alert, distractions seem impossible.
  4. No effort goes into being centred. The usual “doing” has almost stopped or volume has been turned down. Only short bits of thoughts now and then come.
  5. Labeling seems silly and mechanical.
  6. Aches and pains do not have the usual pull.
  7. This lasts for 5-10 minutes maybe.

This is followed by a sense of "dropping into the body", this happens rather quickly, within 2 minutes. Start feeling the unpleasantness of pains and aches again. Feel the weight of the body. Feels unpleasant, but not too bad. There is a tendency to indulge distractions.

RE: Shri's Log
5/16/20 9:42 PM as a reply to Shri.
Hi Shri,

Nice insights on mind-body, senses and anicca. Definitely can feel a bit disorienting at first, but it settles and you find yourself able to live in both worlds - both real and not-real ("I know this is not real but I can play along with it").

Buzziness is pretty common, if you can find the more relaxed pleasure beneath it that can be a pretty nice place to hang out and take a rest from the strains of insight (& life!)

All the best

RE: Shri's Log
5/21/20 11:08 AM as a reply to agnostic.
Hi agnostic,

"find the more relaxed pleasure beneath", is this related to Jhana? I had given a similar instruction a half-assed attempt some time back. I will try it out again.

Thank you!

RE: Shri's Log
5/21/20 11:11 AM as a reply to Shri.
  • Sessions continue to feel fresh and natural.
  • From time to time I suddenly am aware of my point of view from which I notice and acknowledge stuff. Sometimes it is the feeler of the sensations in the chest, throat, sometimes it is the thinker of a thought. Sometimes it is the listener of the thought. Noticing it clears this. But with every note, the head pops up again but from different places.
  • I am also very unclear about the memory or context of any given moment. There seems to also be a little working memory (not long term) which at every moment is available and provides me the context of what is going on. Is this just another category of thought, but just that it is not as unpredictable as other thoughts?

RE: Shri's Log
5/21/20 7:57 PM as a reply to Shri.
Hi agnostic,

"find the more relaxed pleasure beneath", is this related to Jhana? I had given a similar instruction a half-assed attempt some time back. I will try it out again.

Thank you!

Yes, these are the jhana factors of piti (rapture) & sukha (pleasure/happiness), but they arise long before jhana, when the mind starts to get concentrated.

RE: Shri's Log
5/30/20 2:09 PM as a reply to Shri.
May 30
  • For the first 20 minutes practiced with eyes open and gaze on the floor. It felt a little confusing but interesting to see how vision goes into the background while attention switches between sounds, sensations etc.
  • Mind wandering still was the theme of the sit.
  • There were patches where attention was nimble and alert to the movement of the mind.
  • Was able to notice large blocks of states: worrying, work thoughts, practice thoughts etc.
  • I am not able to describe what has changed recently but sits do not feel correct. It seems I have forgotten how to practice and I am just fumbling and catching myself lost in some mechanical noting or mind wandering.

May 29
  • Lots of mind wandering. Missing to note emotions of worry, depression.
  • Recent trend of thoughts around doubt in the self of being capable of practicing rightly and not just fooling myself.
  • Lots of wandering probably had attentive noting for 20 minutes out of the hour.