Message Boards Message Boards

Toggle
Awakening mess
Answer
4/18/20 9:04 PM
Hi there,
I have been smoothly and happily going about a spiritual awakening for a year and a half. However, about a month and a half ago, some fear came up and I thought I was integrating it but I was actually resisting- this sent my mind into an imbalance of growing fear vs "love and peace". My crown chakra skyrocketed out of control.
anout 3 weeks ago I realized something was wrong when I started to get suicidal ideation. I was incredibly dissociated.
I then sought help, but refused most of the medication I was given and tried to "climb out on my own".
this did work, in a way. With the help of some friends I was able to pull my soul back in my body and feel love and feel like myself, albeit this did not last- id be easily triggered and then go back to misery of thoughts. Or id go to sleep and wake up in fear, or not sleep at all.i hung on so hard, under the advice of some friends. 
things over the last few days generally went well. I am a rather strong and tenacious soul, so I was able to really anchor my spirit and love and sit with a bunch of wounds. However, last night, some fear arose again and I panicked and lost it. This morning I called a friend, one of the most loving people I knew. We sat as he did a kind of distance healing, and I felt so much love in my heart but with that the pain came and "I" could not sit with it. It was then I realized or rather decided I was not strong enough and I could not do this on my own. Under the advice of a trusted Buddhist teacher I will begin medication.
ive already reached out to a lot of people but I figure the more help the better. I feel truly stuck, and OBSESSED. I know too much- I know that what brings happiness and peace is to know yourself and to accept the feelings that arise. However, my ego is in a place of such resistance. All I can think about is some mass scale soul retrieval that will blast my heart back into my body, either that or I'll be stuck forever. Very black and white thinking. My ego wants to skip the present moment and go straight to some enlightenment.
when I'm in the state I'm in, I feel disconnected from what I love and what Brings me joy. I am walking a lot and doing various physical activity to ground. I'm trying not to get stuck in thought.
i know there's not much people can say but again I wanted to reach out to as many as possible. My soul wants to awaken so so badly - during the times when I'd be able to align the last few weeks, I kept seeing angel numbers like every hour  and knew I was in the right place- but my ego does not. What is there to say really. Bit of a misalignment.
ALL I care about is reconecting to love, there's nothing else I want. This has been my passion for years and I know there's nothing without it. But it's not even a great time to do this cuz if I do that, I really do it and my attention zooms into my heart, and then pain arises that I automatically resist. It's frustrating though cuz clearly my embodied higher self is just an inch away- love and bliss vs stuck in thought. And my higher self is so WISE and yesterday I would've looked at all the times I'd suffered like this and just had a knowing- don't worry, don't believe your thoughts, you are pure love even if you can't feel it, etc!
Popular advice, the same I am giving myself, is likely to stop worrying and focus on the present moment. Cuz that's the whole point of all this isn't it- not some magical soul retrieval event that'll make everything better. I can remember this sometimes- it's hard as fuck to do.  Any advice or encouragement is appreciated....not sure what to do besides remember to breathe and just accept moment to moment. I need to remember patience and self love. Also hard but a necessary lesson to stop racing to an end goal and evaluating myself. Ahhh man a lot of stuff.
Thank you so much for reading.
emoticon

All the best

RE: Awakening mess
Answer
4/18/20 9:18 PM as a reply to es pro.
What can help me in similar situations is to note my shortcomings (example: impatience, lack of faith, or whatever) -- and let them go (or turn them over to the Universe) -- instead of focussing on what I want.

For what that's worth!

Mike.

RE: Awakening mess
Answer
4/21/20 11:19 AM as a reply to es pro.
es pro
I have been smoothly and happily going about a spiritual awakening for a year and a half.

What practices do you do?
What tradition are you working in?
Do you have a teacher?
Do you work with a group?

However, last night, some fear arose again and I panicked and lost it. This morning I called a friend, one of the most loving people I knew. We sat as he did a kind of distance healing, and I felt so much love in my heart but with that the pain came and "I" could not sit with it. It was then I realized or rather decided I was not strong enough and I could not do this on my own.
So the distance healing by your friend worked, basically. That love in your heart has been your guide all along. I think what she’s telling you now is exactly what you’ve seen: this is not the time to do this on your own. It may not even be a matter of “not strong enough.” You may be being TOO strong. Whatever the heart is telling you, the main thing to do is trust that you will be able to discern the right way, as you have to get this far, and to trust the love that brought you to this point. I would say first, just slow way down. Give yourself a big stretch of time in your mind where letting the various kinds of help you’ve been able to reach out for start actually helping, calming, strengthening, healing.

Under the advice of a trusted Buddhist teacher I will begin medication.

Lol. You’ll no doubt hear a lot of great stories here from others about there experience of the place where meds and meditation meet. The brain/mind is an immensely complex thing. I am bipolar myself, and have been on anti-depressants for twenty years, and every time i try to ease off, i get suicidal. So mine is a literal lifesaver. And just recently i’ve been riding through a manic period that has scared the shit out of me, and without the help and support of my friends, many of them from here at DhO, i’d probably be in the hospital right now. It’s humbling, to see we need that help, but love is humble too. That help IS love, from those who
care about you. So let love work.

es pro
Any advice or encouragement is appreciated....not sure what to do besides remember to breathe and just accept moment to moment. I need to remember patience and self love. Also hard but a necessary lesson to stop racing to an end goal and evaluating myself. Ahhh man a lot of stuff.

lol, you just said about 5 things that are dead on. Take it slow, slow, slow; be gentle, accept the help from every direction right now. No hurry whatsoever; love is not going anywhere without you. It was love that led you to this crisis, because you trusted her a
million times. Trust her once more, and you'll be okay. And hang in here, you'll hear some real wisdom who've been through what you're going through and survived to become real jerks. I mean, sages. Well, survived.

emoticon

RE: Awakening mess
Answer
4/25/20 11:51 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thanks, I totally connect with impatience and lack of faith

RE: Awakening mess
Answer
4/25/20 11:53 PM as a reply to es pro.
Thanks for this advice.....yes I am accepting help from every direction as you said. But it's hard to heed advice and stay faithful and strong. I keep expecting things to "work". Like "oh I'm doing what my therapist said and what my yoga teacher said and I'm still miserable" I don't know how to give up but I don't know how to stop expecting things to get better. As a very straightforward Buddhist nun told me, the best thing I can do is stop trying to get better - to get out - and just accept what is here now. Very purist simple approach and FUCKING HARD but yeah I suppose it will bring me some peace of mind in the moments I remember.
Best of luck on your own journey

RE: Awakening mess
Answer
4/26/20 12:41 AM as a reply to es pro.
es pro:
Thanks for this advice.....yes I am accepting help from every direction as you said. But it's hard to heed advice and stay faithful and strong. I keep expecting things to "work". Like "oh I'm doing what my therapist said and what my yoga teacher said and I'm still miserable" I don't know how to give up but I don't know how to stop expecting things to get better. As a very straightforward Buddhist nun told me, the best thing I can do is stop trying to get better - to get out - and just accept what is here now. Very purist simple approach and FUCKING HARD but yeah I suppose it will bring me some peace of mind in the moments I remember.
Best of luck on your own journey

well, go with God, my friend.