the event that lead me here

Bart Castelijns, modified 12 Years ago at 7/8/11 6:01 AM
Created 12 Years ago at 7/8/11 6:01 AM

the event that lead me here

Posts: 57 Join Date: 8/12/10 Recent Posts
Hi all,

what follows is a short description of what probably was an A&P event, as well as a longer description that includes how I arrived at the A&P. Because after the event, apart from a lot of emotional stuff, there was a marked inability to work with my thoughts I'm assuming I've been cycling through the dark night after that event.

Another possibility, I might have experienced a mere 'flow' , something unrelated to vipassana states, and what followed afterwards was just a natural consequence of being a fucked up emotionally dysfunctional individual not being able to cope with certain changes in life-circumstances that happened to follow the event described.

In any case whenever people wonder about why I'm a member of this discussion forum or wonder about my motives. I will refer to this post.

short version:

Once I was playing chess. Suddenly my mind started to work by itself. What happened was that stuff started flashing, much like the flashing of a photocamera. The contents of the flashes were snapshots of what was happening in my brain. Bang bang bang; my brain was just pumping out deep insight into the game. It was my brain that was playing, not me, apart perhaps from moving the mouse, and keeping my eyes focused on the screen..

Then I sat down and watched tv. I sensed part of 'me' was gone. At least the thinker was gone, because thought happened on its own accord and every thought was seen as an external object, with the same ease and clarity with which objects in the visual field are experienced as being seperate from the observer.

After that I had a fucked up time, inability to focus, loosing jobs while doing my best etc.

Long version:

I thought it would be a good idea to write about what I've started to consider as an Arising and Passing event and which I had previously classified as a PCE without the sense of the infinitude, timelessness, perfection and enhanced sense-stuff (that's taken a lot out from all the attributes that make up a pce). The process that resulted in the event was one in which I had worked to improve my concentration and thinking skills and was set in motion a few weeks prior to the event and included a short 10 minute meditation. Other than that, no meditation was part of the process. All of this happened around 10-12 years ago.

Most fun at that period in my life came from drinking, using weed and enjoying the effect of magic mushrooms. I was in college at the time, but wasn't attending classes. I was definately straying of the moral, disciplined path, and it seemed it wasn't helping me alot. Often when I was not on drugs, which still was most of the time, I felt lethargic and foggy, with a continual sense sense of there being some soft fluffy stuff in my head. I had already seen a psychologist to help me deal with those problems. The idea there was that he would give me some pills, as the recreational drugs I had taken so often, had always been very effective into making me 'normal'. I stopped going there after a while and I didn't get my pills.

Then I moved out of the house I'd been living in because I wasn't getting along with my housemates anymore and moved in with a friend. He went away for a holiday. When he came back the place was a filthy mess and I was responsible. My main focus was sex and food, stuff like cleaning up the place just was something I couldn't get around to. I found myself at a pretty low place.

Eventhough I was such a slacker I had already had some insights into the nature of myself. Stuff had been brewing when I started to have more insights. I suppose the biggest insight was that I wasn't doing anything to change myself, and that that was the main reason why my life was such a mess! So I decided to change myself, went for it with all I could think off (keywords here: pragmaticism and common sense), and ended up in an A&P event.

It happened while playing chess. My mind started acting by itself and the level of play radically deepened. Deep calculations happened which workings I was totally unaware of and need not be aware of to play the game. What I did saw, were snapshots of these calculations or the results of those calculations. How the results were arrived at, I had no idea, some part of my brain had taken over and 'i' had nothing to do with it.

The insight into the game had a depth and breadth to them that was beyond anything I had ever experienced, and beyond anything that I had thought I would ever be capable of. The calculations were happening on several levels at once, long-term, short-term and included a lot of cunning and deceit, all in the blink of an eye. The snapshots were experienced as flashes. I'm pretty sure that what happened was a prolonged series of flashes of insight, like the ones people report having on the toilet.

After that I lied down and watched tv. Stuff stopped flashing and things, thoughts, took on a kinesthetic feel (I think, can't exactly remember). Then intuitively I felt a couple of things: part of 'me', if not me entirely, was gone, and there was something called "direct experience" and 'pure knowing'.

Prior to the event I made a habit of identifying and disregarded thoughts that appeared as self-defeating beliefs, and had also started to use and work with thoughts that did seem helpful. Thus I had already undertaken a process of objectifying thoughts. Now, in the A&P this objectifying of thoughts was happening by itself in a very clear and precise manner. Underlining precise here, as it was very much a feat of precision. One might say that I had become pure precision.

Now there still were those thoughts/beliefs the old "I" would have, but they were seen as external objects, and weren't proliferated upon, or felt about, or otherwise held, because I didn't identify with them. Apart from those mechanical thoughts of the old "I" , there was a plethora of actual insight that, from what I remember, pertained to discussion I was watching; specifically the arguments and the manner in which the arguments were used. Thus a piercing intelligence was operating that was analyzing stuff whereever I lay my focus.

There was a sense of walking on a threadmill: it seemed latching on to a thought would produce a similar result as sudenly halting on the threadmill: the synchronisity would probably collaps and the whole show would end. There was also a sense that I wouldn't be able to pull off this state while in a social setting, as it seemed I was too far removed from ordinary life.

In regards to feelings: can't remember anything about them, so I assume these were just not there. The same goes for energy phenomena: not present.

I don't know what happened directly afterwards, but soon afterwards the progress I had made, investigating myself and trying to improve myself, had definately come to a halt and reverted. For years, when I tried to focus on things I just felt tired, became tense and felt pain. Dealing with my thoughts, playing with them as I had done before, had become impossible.

It seems I must assume this was due to the dark night.
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Bruno Loff, modified 12 Years ago at 7/8/11 7:11 AM
Created 12 Years ago at 7/8/11 7:11 AM

RE: the event that lead me here

Posts: 1094 Join Date: 8/30/09 Recent Posts
A&P and DN — Yes and Yes.