The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Live in the nowhere that you came from, even though you
have an address here.
Rumi, in Coleman Barks's rendering

Welcome to the Bar(do) of Last Resort. It it is located in a bad neighborhood---the Dark Night category of DhO--- on purpose, because so much of my learning curve (just corrected a funny typo here: "my learning curse," lol, was tempted to leave it in (sic)) (did, lol) has come in the dukha nanas territory, and John of the Cross and Daniel Ingram's MCBT (1 and 2, going back to 2011) have been my best teachers and greatest helps. In that same vein, Rumi said, "Live in the nowhere that you can from, even though you have an address here." I think the practice logs are as close as the sangha of people living in the various linguistic variations on the nowhere we came from have on DhO to a local address, with the implicit invitation to welcome visitors, and, in my case, as a good red herring for cops arriving to serve warrants. So welcome to this thread, and to tell you the truth, Officer, it seems possible to me that some people just don't get my humor.
 
 If you have found your way here by accident, my advice is to run for the exit door, where you will be given a complimentary beverage of your choice for the wisdom of Not Starting. 
If you have unfortunately Started, for whatever misguided reasons, then better by far to finish, and drinks are on the house until all sentient beings are saved, because as the obviously slowest sentient boat afloat, i am doomed to be the last one out of this bar, and will be tending bar at various points, or at least taking the occasional dishwashing and janitorial shifts throughout, and will be available to serve drinks at any time if i can figure out how to pour them into a receptable that doesn't leak too much, and also not poison the person through unskillful means. I personally recommend getting someone else to make your drinks, as any patron of the Bar of Last Resort is cleared to bartend, merely by being in the place, and a number of these people pour with a very slow four-count, if you know what i mean, and i think you do, wink-wink. If you don't know what i mean, i mean that some of the drinks these fuckers pour . . . well, let's just say a little dab will do ya.

Our present primary bartender is Ludwig Wittgenstein, so take your language games directly to him. 
If you have come here from a purely morbid or personally-skin-in-the-game interest in spiritual carnage and meditation-related difficulties, the free drinks are two for one.
If you have been invited here, that was irresponsible on my part, and I apologize. Have a drink. All exit doors remain wide open at all times, by order of the Fire Marshall.

If you have come here because we are in a giant fight on another thread and i have asked you to take it outside, please identify yourself to the doorman as you enter. He or she will give you as many free drinks as you are willing to drink before sending you out into the alley behind the bar, where i will continue to do my best to tear you a new asshole.

This is also my “literary” practice log, from 4/21/20--- i will note distinct practice log posts with a first line heading, for those who hate this other shit. For my even more scrupous "PF---practice-focused, Papa-friendly--- practice log", which is a real attempt to approach DhO vipassana style phenomenology practice notes, see that here:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20234930

If you're here, really, for any reason at all, truly, God help you.

Namaste,
tim
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Nice to see you here Tim! emoticon Much prefer this forum format! I'll have a glass of water! Thank you. 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
On the house, amigo!
I made a separate page for stuff that might be less likely to make you throw up in the long run--- https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/20234930

nothing new on it yet, for you. The construction dust is still settling. But i intend to pursue the thread we're been working of V-BBW noting aloud in at least one of two sits per day. And you know how i can power through that state of the art 2 minutes.

Also, hile i've got you here drunk--- how's this for a siddi, Master of Smileys? Using a music piece as the emoji! like so ---

https://soundcloud.com/papa-dusko/sets/che-guebuddha-sound

emoticon
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
No reason to split practice into two threads. I need no papa friendly thread here mate. I only needed that in the email format as I would get lost there in all those replies emoticon 

I really feel it's best to keep it all in ONLY one thread. 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Papa Che Dusko:
No reason to split practice into two threads. I need no papa friendly thread here mate. I only needed that in the email format as I would get lost there in all those replies emoticon 

I really feel it's best to keep it all in ONLY one thread. 

Okay. I will bring it here, then. Practice log posts should be easy to find, i will just have the obvious title on the top line, and look for the "therrre isss . . ." for my, uh, there-is-ing.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts

practice log/April 26, 2020/ sesshin day 14/sit 1/0:06:43/bbw/end 2:09am/ortho/with/anicca, anatta doors
 
practice log/April 26, 2020/ sesshin day 14/sit 2/0:07:01/bbw/end 5:13am/sinistral/withthi-s/ anicca, anatta doors
note: phone zendo w/ JohnX

interesting twist one this one. An old friend has recently returned to his meditation practice, and we were on the phone in the wee hours talking shit, and joking that during this round of mania for me I had gotten as low as a 3 second meditation sit (admittedly out of ornery and perverse pride, to have the Guinness World Record for that, beating out Chris Fucking Marti's previous record of 5 seconds, eat my smoke, Marti).

Then it occured to me that we could just fucking meditate RIGHT THEN AND THERE!!!! He was up for that. He is the one sitting longer than me at this point, so i bumped up to 0:07:01 for the sit, seven minutes, 1 seond, and he bumped way down from his current state of the art 20 minutes to hold my hand. I was the jikijitsu (that is, we used my timer), and it was great. 
 
practice log/April 26, 2020/ sesshin day 14/sit 3/0:07:02/bbw-4/end 5:55am/sinistral (oops)/ and not i-2/ anicca, anatta doors
 
bbw-4=one bead per word, lead mudra only, through whole prayer and on.
 

note: phone zendo sit w/ John X.

afterward, i put $1000 into his paypal account, per our agreement beforehand, @$500 per sit.Feel like i came out sort of ridiculously  ahead on the deal (he gave me his friends and family reduced fee), but John X has always been a fucking sucker and sap about money, wouldn't know what to do with the stuff if it wrapped itself around his neck and started strangling him like a boa constrictor.
Sleeping Buddha Syndrome, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 678 Join Date: 12/4/11 Recent Posts
Tim Farrington:
 So welcome to this thread, and to tell you the truth, Officer, it seems possible to me that some people just don't get my humor....

...If you're here, really, for any reason at all, truly, God help you.

Namaste,
tim
 
I think I get your sense of humor and am wondering why I need God's help in dissecting it> == lol
This post reminded me of another, in which some guy or gal (I don't rememeber the name of the poster) told me that they knew how my death would play out. It turned out to be very interesting (and could still be interesting if I have any flashbacks or flash forwards!)
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts

Sleeping Buddha Syndrome:
This post reminded me of another, in which some guy or gal (I don't rememeber the name of the poster) told me that they knew how my death would play out. It turned out to be very interesting (and could still be interesting if I have any flashbacks or flash forwards!)


Wow. Did he mean he had planned your murder, or was it more a gift of a head's-up?
Sleeping Buddha Syndrome, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 678 Join Date: 12/4/11 Recent Posts
The latter presumably =
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
lovely walk, sun not yet up, but the cloudless eastern sky
silver and bright, shading off into darker blues and purples to the west. 

Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 10/0:05:52/BBW/end 6:31am 

Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 11/0:05:53/BBW/end 7:03am

 a bit of breakfast, and reincarnation on DhO! I’m have acquired the new siddi of using music from YouTube as an emoji! Honors ever to
the Master of Smileys, Sri Papa Che. ;D 

 Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 12/0:05:54/bbw/end 8:46am 

Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 13/0:05:55/bbw/end 9:35am

 Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 14/0:05:56/bbw/end 10:06am

 Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 15/0:05:57/bbw/end 10:26am

 Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 17/0:05:59/bbw/end 12:31pm
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
PF Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 18/0:02:01/”theerre isss”/ end 1:06 pm
 
note: working with left thumb against right forefinger. re-watched the video first, ready for this short shower.
 
Theeerrrre isss . . . sinking, sinking, curiousity, alertness, there is PIA, overwhelming sensate . . .Therrrrre isss . . .in-breath, rising . . . there is sinking, looking, therrre is hearing, a heartbeat, not feeling it, hearing it . . .  in my ears, i left the headphones on after watching the video, lol . . . there iss . . . looking, sinking, looking for where the thumb and finger meet, a slight jerk as the thumb moves to generate sensation . . . there is . . . FUCKING THUNDER, IT’S THE TIMER CHIME IN THE HEADPHONES.
 
there is deafness, lol.
 
i could go three next time.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
recent logs for working toward vispassana noting. This is actually a history of how complicated i can make shit that is simple. but this vipassana is such strong shit in even the smallest does for me, that i'm just doing my best to taste it at all, not because it scares me so much as last time it ENERGIZED me, in practically homeopathic tiny doses. so i've gone as tine as possible. Meanwhile: a ton of security oriented crap spewed before getting to it properly.
 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/sit 1/0:05:18
 
Practice log/April 19, 202/sesshin day 7/sit 2, ended 4:16am/0:05:19
 
this Practice log, rated "P" for practice-oriented, Papa-friendly, until otherwise noted
 
okay, preliminary notes: it is my intent in these PF-rated practice logs to attempt to report them in the evolving language of the emerging pidgin drawn from the cultural interaction between vipassana-noting-aloud-style meditation i had been using in my work with Papa Che and my own established practice with my body-breath-word technique of prayer, which i had gone back to for its grounding effect during this, um, high energy period prior to my eventual incarceration.
 
to do so, i am going to have to begin by lay out some specifics, to facilitate not having to footnote every fucking metaphorical flight on my part, for one thing. Pidgin terms, seriously, da kine.
 
So: i will refer to my basic prayer as BBW, body, breath, word. The “word” part is the weirdly specific fire-tested mantra, which is as follows, broken up traditionally into thirteen distinct phrases:
 
with this gift of breath, let me first love You--- no hurry--- no fear--- patiently--- gratefully--- humbly--- attend--- abide--- accept--- embrace--- and not i--- You breath--- Thy will be done.
 
in traditional practice (TP, in pidgin, as it is as necessary and shit smeared as toilet-paper), and also because, as recent events have shown, everyone needs a lot of it, it is jumping off the shelves), i work with a rosary, re-purposed for this particular prayer, so more of a mala-type usage in practice, possibly heretical. I always begin with both mudra- hands on the rosary, thumb and forefinger of each on the medallion of the Mother of God, before any decades, and i say the whole prayer through once without any movement of the bead touching mudra-ponts, right and left, R and L, maybe, because they have distinct functions.
 
Also, i alternate direction from sit to sit, clockwise, and counterclockwise. In Catholicism, the left hand-leading direction is, literally, “sinister,” and so is along the lines of certain tantric practices, as opposed to the orthodox R, right-hand-leading, clockwise direction.
 
I begin the BBW prayer with B1, body, the more obvious sensate, usually tactile/feeling element that presents itself, the obvious blip, which is most often some qualitative variation of the simple pang/pain in my ass (PIA, in pidgin). I let that resonate and by procedure, technique, am intentionally alert for the second B, breath, B2, and usually it presents on the in-breath. step 3 is the word, which is as much of the prayer as presents itself easily. Often that is simply “With,” but it is seldom more than “with this gift,” on the first iteration.
 
This constitutes a complete iteration of the technique. Second iteration is the same, and when i get to W, if i can even remember easily where the fuck i lost the thread, i pick it up there. Say i did manage to get “with this gift”, i would then pray on “of breath,” third iteration, “let me first love You.” and so on BBW by BBW, until, “Thy will be done.”
 
This completes phase one of the BBW-rosary prayer. If i make it through the whole prayer, during any given sit, with often is so roiled that i am only able do do so one word at a time, i then begin, still on the medallion at the end of phase 1, with letters. W, word, is now is one letter. The letter prayer sequence is a shortened version of the whole prayer: with this gift of breath let me first love You--- and not i--- You breathe--- Thy will be done.
 
so in practice two, on a clockwise sit, it goes: B1 (PIA, e.g.), B2 (in-breath, e.g.), “w” (first letters of “with”). Still no movement, but with clockwise movement, that is the R mudra, aware of itself on the medallion. Next iteration is the L mudra, B1, B2, “w”, aware of itself on the medallion. next iteration begins movement proper: B1, B2, “i” with the R mudra moving to the first bead. Next iteration, B1, B2, i, with the l mudra joing the R on the first bead. B1, B2, t, R mudra to second bead. Apply, lather, rinse, repeat.
 
There are 67 letters in the entire short and sweet version of the BBW prayer, 6.7 decades, in Catholic. It is rare that i get through the entire sequence, even in the hour-plus sits of the old regimen, much less during this mania. I actually can tell, from what bead i am on, where i am at any point/letter during the entire 67 bead journey of a full round, or at least in principle i can, as it would take a word very math-like to actually calculate my location. But i could do it if asked, and i actually do have certain very well-established tactile landmarks that i know instantly, the our Father bead between the first few decades being the t from “with” on round 1, and the t from “let” on round 2, for instance, stuff like that. And, especially in the first decade, often when i go both mudras to the s on this, i quickly count the beads ahead. if there are three left before the our Father break of decade bead, i’m actually oriented and didn’t lose a step somehow along the way. If there are more or less than three beads, i may simply reorder myself to the “correct” sequence of traditionally correlated beads and letters, or i may just well, well i’m fucking lost, forget the rest of that shit, and look for the next letter without concern for overall oriention on the rosary as a whole. One bead at a time is deep fucking practice in darkness and secure.
 
I won’t do a phenomenological report for this last sit, but i intend to cut my next sit back to one minute, given my past experiences with the volatility of really trying hard to mix the “There is” noting aloud technique with my prayer/meditation, and see how that looks in a full on PF sit report.
 
Practice log
April 19, 2020
sesshin day 7
sit 3/0:01:00/V-BBW/ended 5:20am
 
note: bold-highlighted words and terms are tentative entries in the emerging vipassana-there-is-noting-technique/body-breath-word --- V-BBS--- pidgin. I will try to keep a glossary/dictionary, but feel free to stop me cold if you don’t understand a word as i am using it.
 
so:
a little shaky at the start, like a car engine not entirely turning over the first time, after setting up a distinct new timer set for (V-BBS) at 0: 01:00, leaving the old (lol) BBW timer at its current state of the art 0:05:20. There is in-breath . . . There is with this gift of breath, an easy one . . . there is sacral pang (PIA =pang/pain in ass, with degrees of qualitative nuance sometimes) . . . there in in-breath (this could, loosely, by called B2, in fast and loose pidgin, but in-breath is more specific, wink at Papa Che) . . . there is let me first love You, always an easy word run in prayer . . . there is PIA . . . there is no hurry . . .and thank God there is no hurry, because there is timer chime.
 
notes: so this is the first V-BBS PF sit, a little seed of practice, emerging pidgin practice language. It is so fucking exciting i can hardly stand it.
 
note also: Papa Che’s latest video gift to the world of practice is astounding.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKZkvLkG-EI
 
I haven’t gotten through it all the way yet, after two tries. First time i had to leap from my chair and go smoke at 0:00:21, just from the intro. Then, a couple of sits later, tried again and got to 0:01:35, really FUCKING ASTOUNDED IN A MILLION FUCKING WAYS.
 
That fucker is singing his meditation!!!!!!!!!!!! How can I keep from singing!!!!!!! even if i’m quite sure that Enya would make Papa-ji puke!

 
Practice log
April 19, 2020
sesshin day 7
sit 4/0:01:01/V-BBW/counterclockwise/ended 6:13am
 
note: counterclockwise indicates the alternating direction on the rosary, with the previous sit’s clockwise. Counterclockwise movement leads with left mudra, L-mudra, then right mudra, R-mudra, bead by bead, if the session gets far enough in the prayer for movement of the mudras to be in place.
 
much better oriented this time, there is PIA, warm and friendly, there is in-breath, and recognizing B2, there is with this gift of breath, there is joy, there is in-breath, there is let me first love You,  there is joy there is gratitude, there is PIA, warm, almost gentle, there is in-breath, and simultaneous with the recognition of B2, there is no hurry, there is sinking, sinking, on the out-breath, there is PIA, there there is joy, there is in-breath, and simultaneous with recognition of B2, there is no fear, there is out-breath, sinking to find there is PIA, there is in breath, there is patiently, there is timer chiming.
 
note: discovered what had been there all along, which is the natural out-breath sink toward the sensate base, and the natural  in-breath trigger for the word.

 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/ sit 5/0:01:02/V-BBW/clockwise/ended 7:06am
 
there is in-breath, there is with this gift, there is curiousity, after the last sit, trying to see the out-breath descent toward sensation, there is in-breath, there is with this breath, the repetition typical of getting really absorbed in something and losing where i was, there is sinking this time, yes, there is out-breath , there is PIA, just registering, sensate, qualities lost in there is excitement, delight, there is with this breath, same out-breath, there is in-breath and a blip too excited there is PIA, there is in-breath, with this gift of breath, there is timer chiming this one flew.
 
Nice!
 
Since you are keeping this on the safe short session side of things there is no harm to have more interest and enquire more into the sensate experience of anything that is MOST prominent. Im talking about bodily snesations and care litte about mind states at this stage.
 
Lets say its PIA that’s most prominent and clear to investigate ... there is ... theeeerr isss ... slower ... theeeeeer iiiisssss ... (there is this almost Listening during the theeeeere iiiiissss wording as you are sinkingthe attention towrds the PIA or outbreath connected with falling of the abdomen, your choice here).
 
So short session but paying more attaention to the sensate experience of the most obvious and investigate those preassures, sharp pains, pleasant tingelings, pins and needles, warmth, bubbly warmth , etc...
 
Here there REALLY is no rush at all. You are willingly letting many objects pass away without being noticed and that is fine but you do pay close attention to your favorite guest, that PIA or that preassure on the fingers from the ptayer beds or else.
 
What say you?
 

 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/seshin day 7/ sit 6/0:02:00/V-BBW/counterclockwise/end 8:04
 
notes: a bit of feedback from Papa Che, a suggestion or two--- fruits should be evident, for the most part in the report. Decided to bump the timer to 2 minutes, for this, as one of his most salient points was slowing the whole thing down to allow more room for sensate noting, and breath witnessing.
 
theeeerrreee iiissss iiiiin-breath, theeerrrre is a surprise of PIA on the same in-breath, warm and easy, like a hello, there is delight, there is excitement, there is with this gift of breath let me first love You, still on the in-breath, not in a hurry, it’s the world’s longest in-breath, time very slow and sort of irrelevant there major simultaneity, an extremely rapid if not chordal-simultaneity among the body, breath, and word elements of prayer, there is a bit of almost looking at the bottom of the breath, there is PIA, lovely and actually quite sharp, heightening with attention, playfully, flirting with pain even, but very very playful sense, there is no hurry, there is joy at the truth of that, theeerrre is iiiiinnnnn-breath, there is PIA and also, fleetingly, a sense of L-mudra touching the medallion, just a hint, but noticeable, notable, there is no fear, there is the breath at the bottom, therrrre is almost looking, there is an attention bounce into seeing, there is thrilling, a sense of thrill at the sense-mode shift, there is interest, there is PIA, attention still in seeing, the sensate element “distant,” somehow, like a bilocation, simultaneous but separate, if that makes sense, there is in-breath, there is patiently, there is the timer chiming.

 
 
 
Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 5/0:05:08
 
notes: so i always begin with both mudra- hands on the rosary, thumb and forefinger of each on the medallion of the Mother of God, before any decades, on my rosary, and say the whole prayer through once. If i make it through the whole prayer, during any given sit, i then begin with single words: “with” first bead, first hand, repeated, “with”, first bead, second hand; “this,” second bead, first hand (i alternate directions on alternate sits, on a working hypothesis that it may work different sides of the brain depending on which hand leads.
 
So the farthest i’ve gotten so far this morning is 1) body (oh sacred PIA), 2) breath (still alive, by all signs), 3) word:“with this,” in my opening full prayer, at which time it’s off to the fucking races until i either remember, right i’m fucking WORKING HERE, this IS GOD SHIT, at which point it is 1) body (PIA feeling better, now that you mention it), 2) breath (i know it was there somewhere), 3) word, “with this, uh . . . now THERE’S AN INTERESTING INSIGHT YOU FUCKING GENIUS YOU!!! . . .
 
Papa Che, you may stop reading here. Go watch butterflies and ants with that four-year-old of yours, i’m going to ramble, speculate, preen, and gossip now, telling takes and spinning strands of horseshit like a web to catch the unwary and the lazy and the innocent for my ultimate engrandisement.
 
notes: before my abrupt forcing of the hand of the Lord to send me to purgatory, I had as most of you know been working with Papa Che on a vipassana style noting aloud technique, with close attention to easy pace, curiousity--- pure no hurry, no fear wonder--- combined with the most accurate phenomenological reporting possible in my primitive but growing vocabulary, working out a common vocabulary with anyone who could relate to what I was doing at all, and so evolving both the technique and the language in a sort of helix spiral, two strands developing in mutual feedback. I know he hates this shit, but working with Papa Che was really an experience of grace, and a taste of salvation. "Working with" is the key. It is beyond guru/teacher vocabulary. He made the first slowed-down noting aloud video with me in mind, out of what i could only recognize as love, and it revolutionized my practice at that point to such an intensity that I went WAY THE FUCK OFF THE DEEP END, and so had what we psychotics like to call "a learning experience." Which landed me, not in hell, according to all my established expectations, and for which I was actually as well-prepared for hell as I can be, by the ongoing fear of God and knowledge of His justice as well as His mercy, but in purgatory. “Purgatory” is Chris’s word, from yesterday to characterize my current status, which gave me unspeakable joy to hear: purgatory is not hell! I provoked justice time, and actually in a weird way welcomed it.
 
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Let me just mention that "There is" is Kenneth Folks method, or at least where I've hear it from first time and I liked it. Lots of stuff I suggest is basically from Kenneth. 

The latest stuff that Im mentioning is something more of what Im discovering, the matra-like noting aloud or coupling jhanic absorption and freestyle noting vipassana at the very same time. This I have experienced last year too during Dissolution only but now I see it with fresh eyes and something to develop further as it seems that both vipassana and jhana have their place on this Path. Striking balance between the two depending on the terrain.

Im glad those vids are of benefit mate!
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Papa Che Dusko:
Let me just mention that "There is" is Kenneth Folks method, or at least where I've hear it from first time and I liked it. Lots of stuff I suggest is basically from Kenneth. 


Do you think I've seemed to slight Kenneth, at this point? Through ignorance, obviously. But I feel like a bull in the china shop right now, and i would so appreciate more feedback. I may very well be deaf to things that I'm breaking. I don't want to break anything. I'm worried enough about this that i really am considering the hospital on a voluntary basis right now. Too many vague warnings, or maybe paranoias on my part. Be straight with me, mate.

The latest stuff that Im mentioning is something more of what Im discovering, the matra-like noting aloud or coupling jhanic absorption and freestyle noting vipassana at the very same time. This I have experienced last year too during Dissolution only but now I see it with fresh eyes and something to develop further as it seems that both vipassana and jhana have their place on this Path. Striking balance between the two depending on the terrain.

I am really trying for balance. Anything vipassana just really seems so volatile right now, but i have a sprouted seed in working with you and i am so grateful. I beg you, Papa, as an elder and as a friend, as a DhO vet and as a real vet, as a human being. How am i fucking up right now?


Im glad those vids are of benefit mate!

they help every time i watch them. they are just beautiful, a gift. Forgive me if i seem, uh, is "overgrateful" something?
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
My apologies Tim. I mentioned this not for you but for those who might think that I'm the one behind this approach/method. I don't want to take credit for it. Its Kenneth's. That's all. As this is a public forum many come here to read. 

Sorry for not being more specific. What I wrote was not really meant for you but for the public that might read this thread. emoticon 

I hope you are ok mate. It's all good. 
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 3846 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
Let me just mention that "There is" is Kenneth Folks method, or at least where I've hear it from first time and I liked it. Lots of stuff I suggest is basically from Kenneth. 

Kenneth Folk has taught, offered, and even created more meditation methods and theories than you can imagine. Some were great, some nonsensical, others somewhere in between. How long did you work with Kenneth, Papa? 
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Tim --

Are you still doing the exercise we talked about last week? "No" is a perfectly good answer. It's completely up to you.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Chris Marti:
Tim --

Are you still doing the exercise we talked about last week? "No" is a perfectly good answer. It's completely up to you.
I have a mixed practice right now, tilted conservatively toward staying off a locked ward if possible. In my practice log reports, "bbw" indicates my go-to time-tested body-breath-word prayer, which is probably 90% right now. The risky is that risky, highly energizing new-fangled "vipassana stuff.

My current vipassana-ish technique is exactly what you first prescribed me, i use left thumb against right forefinger, and blast through two minutes of what Papa Che and I are calling "Theeerrrrrreeee Iiiiissssss . . ." noting, realy really slow with plenty of time to sink into the depths of curiousity.

So, uhh, yes, to your question? Pretty much, and so far i can do it for about 2 minutes and 1 second WITHOUT COMPLETELY FUCKING CRACKING UP. Much. Kind of.
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 3846 Join Date: 1/26/13 Recent Posts
So, uhh, yes, to your question? Pretty much, and so far i can do it for about 2 minutes and 1 second WITHOUT COMPLETELY FUCKING CRACKING UP. Much. Kind of.

No expectations here, no pressure.
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Papa Che Dusko, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 1660 Join Date: 3/1/20 Recent Posts
Worked with KF very short period from February to July last year. As I was unemployed for almost a decade I could only afford to pay 125 US Dollars once per month. 
Im really grateful for his presence and teaching during this time. It meant a world to me. It kept me going and the freestyle noting aloud paid off. 

We are all different personalities. You can find a perfect teaching and yet you meet that very teacher and you don't click with her/him. Then you find a teaching you don't really respect much but you click really well with that teacher and this brings fruit. 

Kenneth did throw at me some visualizations also but I ignored those and remained firm with noting aloud and loosely keeping eye off the cushion to the 6 Realms (urges leading towards certain realm). He suggested it's of great benefit to keep an eye on the mind and notice which realm is manifesting during the off cushion time. See it and decide not to commit to any other realm but Human (the 4 immeasurables). 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
Papa Che, welcome to the bar, and could you please see that Mr. Marti has some assistance getting home. He had about ten drinks before you got here--- all courtesy of that woman over there, by the way, the one eyeing you both like a hungry lioness--- and he is simply not fit to drive that earthly vehicle of his. He has been nailing the cessations in the formless realms nicely, however, and kept blurting out incomprehensible stuff about someone named NS. A lost love perhaps.
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Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
This incoherent mass of manic shit storm is simply for the akashic record. Like: there is . . . in-breath, there is . . . tweak in neck, lower and left, there is . . . manic shit storm. . . there is next thing.

so:


 
This may be the only place i ever do this, but since it all comes down to this single prayer right now, and this asshole with its gift and pain, and this breath which could stop at any moment and solve every problem, i wanted to be explicit about my prayer, my specific, evolutionary state of the art prayer, which had its seed in 1985, when i was banished from the most powerful deep-all-in community experience i’ve had until DhO. “Left the commune,” as they say. I ended up dark nighting something awful, and on days when i couldn’t conceive of a sentence or write a meaningful word, i used to sit for the whole designated four morning hours first thing of my writing time at stare at the blinking cursor on the screen of my word processing program (Word Perfect 4, i think, for techo-history wonk geeks in the audience; the commune used Apple stuff then and i was pissed at them). Being also the slave of the writerly puritan work ethic, as well as clearly Called by the Lord, on a Mission from God, like the Blues Brothers---
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mz9F_YmD6MU
 
--- to WRITE GREAT FUCKING NOVELS, it was clear that to write those great fucking novels i would have to get down words down first. So from the depths of dissolution or fear or misery or disgust, i would lift one finger on a journal page and type, one letter at a time, with whatever interval between letters proved necessary, usually finding a pace along the way---“and so, begin again--- with this breath”. (I had already done my zen rounds and my ashram rounds, and most of my mat time at that point was variations on watching my breath.) Over the years, this technique held up after cycles and cycles had pretty much obliterated everything else several time. Eventually i started adding the occasional praise to the mantra--- “no hurry,” was the first, “no fear,” came next: self-talk within the prayer on faith and what it took to type the next letter. Eventually, over the decades, through a tangled evolutionary bush of variants and periods and shit hitting fans and fans charging in to beat the shit out of shit, i arrived at a very stable prayer of thirteen distinct phrase/beats, which in times when i actually wrote it out in my journal at the worst of writer’s block/dark nighting, would look like this: “with this gift of prayer, let me first love You--- no hurry--- no fear--- patiently--- gratefully--- humbly--- attend--- abide--- accept--- embrace--- and not i--- You breathe--- Thy will be done.” I didn’t say amen, that fucked me up somehow. I think because i just went through so many times of hating every fucking syllable of every fucking thing, and those last two syllables just didn’t hold up through those, though the others did. Don’t get me wrong: this is not a I Never Wavered in MY Prayer thing. I’m just saying that as the dust settles around my now from this Most Recent Major Fuck-iup, So Much Like a Death, Except Still Painful, that is the prayer i find myself with, and to me it feels like it was first inscribed on a cave wall somewhere in Africa maybe 50 or 60,000 years ago and has been handed down from inscriber to inscriber unchanged every since.
 

 
Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 3/0:05:06
 
third sit would “normally” be my last sit of the day, and at the point of The Fissure, it would have aiming at 0:43:21, after sit 1 (1:12:19) and 2 (0:58:58). Since over the last four years meditation and God shit and scripture shit have pretty much taken up the entirety of my consecrated over decades, fought for in every manner of circumstance again all possible odds, often defeated never stopped fighting, four or so hour sacred “Writing Time” ( i hear the groaning of a host of past lovers, friends, mentors, and merely curious people and innocent bystanders, as i write those words, which, to most of them, was a synonym for “We are about to have a fight to the death and this conversation may well end our relationship”)
 
manic sentence protocol, no reader is going to make it through that last one--- and so, begin again, with this breath---
 
usually by the third sit, when i go out for the cigarette afterward, the sky is lightening or even the sun is up, depending on the time of year, usually still dark after #3 until the spring time change). And here i am, at 5:27 local time, in deep deep atemporal doo-doo.

 
Practice log/April 17, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 4/0:05:07
 
state of the art technical details, as best i’ve got it yet:
A. Apply: the proper email to respond to by best measures in any swamped in box will be 1) the most recent 2) email without either “re:” or “FW”.
B. Lather: if everyone could use “reply-all” for any input on this thread, it would be a great help to me, since i am trying to keep my full working burden of 50-plus-pounds-and-multiplying-exponentially of shit in one durable 25-pound sack.
C Rinse.
Repeat.
 
agnostic, Linda, i am delighted to introduce Sarah Elizabeth, a DoH newbie, but an old friend of mine from my days as a writing teacher. She knows all the dirt on why i no longer teach writing. I invited her to join the neurodivergent sesshin posse, and she was foolish enough to except. the rest, clearly, is her karma. Her sense of humor is slightly better than mine, and since her career is on the upslope, while mine long since zeroed out of its vertical dive in a pile of flaming rubble, now burned down to those ashes they bless and use to make crosses on the foreheads of Catholics on Ash Wednesday, she is also a better and more promising writer.
 
Sarah, agnostic does not actually exist as a self anymore, but he is willing to play along here. Linda is, just for openers, a well-known seeress and generally eerie new age witch/warlock/witchlock non-binary-gendered
 
(state of the art, direct from the uh, uh’s mouth: “any pronoun will do. I think a variation would delight me, but I don't know. I still haven't quite gotten used to "they", although that would probably be most correct (I sometimes refer to myself jokingly as the Polly Ester continuum). Thanks for caring! I don't have dysphoria. I just feel like the idea of me as a woman is incorrect, and it gets really awkward when people assign gendered expectations to me. In cases when people insist that I am a woman, or basically anything that I know I'm not, I sometimes feel gaslighted, and I really don't like that. 
There is a category called gendervague that was coined by neurodivergent non-binary people who did not fit into the available labels at the time. When I have to specify, I use that one. It is described as being at the intersection of neurodivergence and transgender. )”
 
autism spectrum neurodivergent who has Tourette’s syndrom and other conditions and has struggled her entire life to live in a world where simply saying one word about who s/he/they is/are results generally in a swift plunge into horror. She is thus a blessing on all people trying to reconcile themselves with a degree of self-knowledge that makes it clear to them that they really and truly ARE something(s) that pretty much everyone they meet will, upon hearing about it, tell them they are, to use the most common technical term, “fucked up.”
 
beverages are available at the free bar.
 
oh yeah, the meditation. It was lovely, thanks.
 
From: Polly-Ester Dessie-Belle Motvall <dessiebelle@hotmail.se>
Sent: Saturday, April 18, 2020 5:45 AM
To: Timothy F. Farrington <tim_farrington@msn.com>; agnostic <agnostic123@yahoo.com>
Subject: Sv: Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 3/0:05:06
 
About that PIA... Have you ever tried sitting on a swimming ring? You know those who are filled with air and has a whole in the middle? That worked miracles for me whenever I had to sit up after giving birth. Just sayin’. Unless you really want to make the pain your meditation object; that could be fruitful too, of course. But there are alternatives, you know. 
 
I made it through that sentence, but then again, consider the source...
 
From: Polly-Ester Dessie-Belle Motvall <dessiebelle@hotmail.se>
Sent: Saturday, April 18, 2020 5:38 AM
To: Timothy F. Farrington <tim_farrington@msn.com>; agnostic <agnostic123@yahoo.com>
Subject: Sv: Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 2/0:05:05
 
I like that. No hurry, no fear. I needed that. I have a writer’s block. I’m supposed to be writing a book about my research, and I keep falling back into avoidance behavior. It all seems so huge and endless, and it just keeps branching off. I have a tendency to think in many different directions rather than in a linear way, and language doesn’t quite resonate with that. Maybe this can help me. I really need to take it just one step at a time. 

 
Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 5/0:05:08
 
since by the grace of God i appear to have fried everyone around me to a crisp and thus am ensconced in a feedback free realm of what i like to think of as “that completely quiet moment before i hear the sirens approaching from multiple directions and wonder if they are coming for me” a few notes on fine points of my peculiar prayer.
 
so in always begin on the medallion of the Mother of God, before any decades, on my rosary, and say the whole prayer through once. If i make it through the whole prayer, during any given sit, i then begin with single words: “with” first bead, first hand, repeated, “with”, first bead, second hand; “this,” second bead, first hand (i alternate directions on alternate sits, on a working hypothesis that it may work different sides of the brain depending on which hand leads.
 
So the farthest i’ve gotten so far this morning is 1) body (oh sacred PIA), 2) breath (still alive, by all signs), 3) word:“with this,” in my opening full prayer, at which time it’s off to the fucking races until i either remember, right i’m fucking WORKING HERE, this IS GOD SHIT, at which point it is 1) body (PIA feeling better, now that you mention it), 2) breath (i know it was there somewhere), 3) word, “with this, uh . . . now THERE’S AN INTERESTING INSIGHT YOU FUCKING GENIUS YOU!!! . . .
 
oops this just in---
 
Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 6/0:05:09
 
since the silence before the cops is holding up well, and agnostic is at last report off making kissy-face with Papa Che on my tombstone thread in the DhO bardo, where i am a ghost by the grace of God and my sad early demise, or be assured i would be giving both those guys shit, a few more thoughts on the intricacies of this, the prayer that no one else will ever pray.
 
aside: i may actually have to stick with it, since when i do take people’s advice and try to apply it, and they witness the meditation-related-difficulties of my earnest efforts, they eventually are forced by simple prudence true senses of responsibility to all learning beings, and the natural desire to not get bomb splattered seeker’s-guys all over themselves, to tell me, that’s okay, man, just do what the fuck you want and stop giving me any credit whatsoever for this shit yhow you’ve got in progress here. . .
 
anyway, this last sit i realized: 1) i was wrong in my last post, i don’t know how to talk about this prayer after all, and may have been getting it wrong FOR AT LEAST TEN YEARS, since the actual prayer, as my body and fingers know perfectly well, is to run through the whole prayer first on the shield of the Mother of God, and then begin the letter decades with “w,” NOT ON THE FIRST BEAD BUT ON THE FUCKING MEDALLION< YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
 
I mean, thank God no one else will ever get that far with this technique, is what i meant to say.

 
 
will answer technical questions for cigarettes.
 
Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 11/0:05:14
 
Funny story, with a nod toward how this big mania is playing out locally--- i went for a walk after the last round, out into a lovely rain, and i took with me a beautiful big fat bag of primo salt water taffy that DD, my youngest sister, had sent me from Florida for my birthday last march. It had just been sitting there, i can’t eat that stuff. So i grabbed the taffy and slipped by my neighbors’ place, Don and Selena, and they spotted me coming, and opened the dooor, Don Shirtless and seedy, Selena looking fine, a couple of mid-sixies-ish ex cops just retired (Don) or on the cusp of retirement (selena). I held up the bag and said either of you like this stuff? Selena said yes, i handed her the bag, we all waved, and i walked on done deal, no more fucking taffy guilt. 100 yards down the road, i had walked past the little communal general store/office, and Ray, one of the owners of the land here (i am technically a serf), came and and called me back and handed me a big bottle of mouthwash. I had gone in there a couple days ago looking for mouthwash, i’m out of the stuff and i don’t want four-year-old Hartley to be, uh, less than impressed by my breath when we violate the social distancing interval while playing. No mouthwash in the store, though; Ray had said he could order some and i said, naw, no big deal, i’ll get to the store soon enough. Then i blew my go-to-the-store window by getting myself time-outed, so no DhO AND no mouthwash, worst of all worlds. Rays hands me the stuff and I said, wow, thank you, put it on my tab (not a joke, i actually have a tab at the store). He said no, no, i just grabbed it on my way in to work this morning, with a couple other things. I said, So are you, a guy wearing a face mask and standing six feet away, trying to tell me i have bad breath, gently? We laughed. Up walks Davy, the grounds and maintenance guy. we all shoot the shit for a few minutes, then Davy grabs me and drags me off to his “office,” this little shack of a room full of equipment and such, where he takes his breaks and eats his meals. And he pulls out his fucking wallet--- he does this once in a while, he is a sweet young Christian kid, earneest and loving and good as gold at heart, and he doesn’t want me to be unable to buy cigarettes, which i apparently either joked about or bitched about at some time in the distant past. So now, he is unstoppable every so often, every month or two, maybe, and i try to accept the gifts with as good a grace as i can muster and not further embarrass either of us. Then we say love ya, love, and go on about our business. So i leave the house for a brief still to get rid of that fucking taffy and get a little wet air, and trudge home burdened with gifts.
Mania Mastery-Tim 2 Public Nuisance-Tim 0.
context, context, context, kids. Papa Che knows that my radio call sign is Whiskey Tango Foxtrot 1, aka WTF, after a former love of my life who used to say “WTF, TF?” My name is Timothy Fucking Farrington, so people sometimes call me TFF, except for those who know me only by my alias Tim Trouble-is-my-middle-name Farrington.
 
practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 12/0:05:15
 
practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 13/0:05:16
 
Practice log/April 18, 2020/sesshin day 6/sit 14/0:05:17

 
Practice log, rated "P" for practice-oriented, safe for even Papa Che to read
 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/sit 1/0:05:18
 
 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/ sit 7/0:05:20/BBW/clockwise/end 9:28pm
 
Papa Che, I am leaving you on this message even though the practice report is not rated PF. You know I love you, I know you are a grown-up and won’t read something you think it useless. Dog don’t eat what dog don’t like, as a writer friend of mine put it long ago. So no harm, no foul, if this is not your cup of tea for a while.
 
The bizarrely coded paractice log line may be roughly translated into a couple of salient facts: after a series of sits working with a blended technique with Papa Che, I have fallen back to the kind of pure body-breath-word prayer that just doesn’t much care about remembering details of the sit in any fine scale. It’s my native language prayer, not for Enlightenment or stream entry or anything, just because i am an embodied sense overwhelmed by my helplessness and Need God Bad, or at least need to get deep enough in my dukha to be gate, gate, gate, paragate, parasamghate, as close to annihilated as i can get, just to minimize the horror.
 
Second thing of note is the time stamp: i had a two hour nap earlier in the day, and went to bed at about 5pm local time to boot, early even for me, but pleased that i was so tired, as you sleep when you can get it in a mania. woke for the last time about an hour ago from a nasty vivid dream about a fraternity/sorority house, that fell apart after i saved the life of one of the members and walked her home, and they blamed the fall apart on me, and started trying to kill me. For four or five wakes, continuous action in the dream, before i finally got out of bed and basically treated this as a new morning, practice time, time to get to work..
 
 i had actually done a lot of grounding stuff through the afternoon. I had thought i would get to the store today, but finally remembered it was sunday. no bus, no trip. Instead, I called my sister Kati, my brother Danno, and and my Aunt Mary Ann, aka Sister Martine Ann, JMJ, a nun in her eighties who is my John of the Cross blood comrade (hellamercy is dedicated to her) and family gossip center, in a several hour sequence while sitting out of earshot of the community on the common gazebo by the waterwheel and fish pool, and not one of them worried a bit, they just thought I was loving and funny, calling appropriately on a sunday afternoon. Mania Mastery 3, Tim as Public Spectacle Leading to Homelessness and Incarceration, 0.
 
And even when i got up, 8:30ish maybe here, and went out for my first smoke, my neighbor Don happened to be out there, and we chatted. He gave me a sackful of plastic razors, and a towel--- he and his wife are going to move in a month or so and are clearing out there storage, and so i get first offer on everything that would go to the thrift store, which saves me a later trip to the thrift store to but it. They are fucking showering me with gifts, most of which i don’t need or want and am able to cheerfully no no thank you, but i few which really are sort of great. Sarah knows this about giving me gifts, what a pissant i can be, and how every once in a while i am prostrate with gratitude. What a wanker i am. Still, considering i was in a near panic about this sleep shit, i rate the exchange in the dark with don a win: Mania Mastery 4, Taving Maniac Running Through the Night Screaming Warnings, 0.
 
So that’s the status, a new day in the sesshin, but this weird morning-in the-late-night-of-the-last damned day is fucking up my OCD meditation journaling. If that is my worst problem in what is now an official “mixed episode” of depression and mania, with the DK elements coming in strong, i can do this thing in sirsasana.
 
love, t
 

 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/ sit 8/0:05:21/end 10:26pm
 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/ sit 9/0:05:22/end 10:56pm
 
fear stage of dark night, and realizing that while the Psalms hold up: “What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee,” and “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” for me, there is also the fear of those i love and those who love me. Mania and depression scare people, not just the strangers who call the cops eventually, but the loved ones wondering whether they should call the cops, or an ambulance. So two jobs, here in the fear bardo: trust God for me, and don’t scare anyone if i can help it. Since everyone on this posse here is in Europe except Sarah, this is actually a pretty safe place to be as nuts as i actually am right now. The Atlantic Ocean is a nice margin for error.
 
Practice log/April 19, 2020/sesshin day 7/ sit 10/0:05:23/end 11:15pm
 
going to the Psalms now, at crunch time, i realize that one aspect of “fruition” within a given tradition is when the all-in practicioner comes to see that every word--- in Judeo-Christianity, every letter, even, every serif and comma and accent mark--- every word of Scripture is true, for those with eyes to see and ears to hear. That’s how Daniel did it: he took his scriptures absolutely literally and worked his ass off to understand what they really meant, to him, the pragmatic Dharma in our time and in his experience. It’s how everyone does it; no one does this in a vacuum. And if they do, God bless them. But then who can they quote to make a point to their comrades? As I said, before I was no more . . . Agnostic, could be a good gig for you, actually, lol.
 
Practice log/April 19. 2020/sesshin day 7/sit 11/0:05:24/end 11:45pm
 
Practice log/April 19. 2020/sesshin day 7/ sit 12/0:05:25/end 11:58pm
 
“I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.” Ps 77:6
 
“He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light.”
Lamentations 3:2
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 1/0:05:27/end 12:17am
 
body beat to shit; mania is a bitch. breath rises, breath falls, and not i, but You breathe.
 
“And Thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgot the good*.”
Lamentations 3:17
 
* the hebrew here for “good” is: טוֹב , towb. The word makes it’s first appearance in the Bible at Genesis 1:4: “And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.” 
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 2/0:05:28/end 12:49am
 
“And I said, ‘My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord.”
Lamentations 3:18
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8sit 3/0:05:29/end 1:15am
 
“remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
My Soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.”
Lamentations 3:19-20
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 4/0:05:30/end 1:54am
 
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 5/0:05:31/end 2:09am
 
“This I recall to my mind*, there for have I hope**.”
Lamentations 3:21
 
* the hebrew here is לִבִּ֖י leb, which is actually “heart,” in the vast Biblical sense of the word.
** יָחַל yachal, which means both “to hope” and “to wait”: to wait on the Lord is to hope in the Lord, and to hope in God is to wait patiently on God.
 
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 6/0:05:32/end 2:33am
 
“It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.”
Lamentations 3:22
 
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 7/0:05:33/end 5:25am
 
the key to a genuine dark night is the skin-in-the-game element of total danger: danger of loss of faith, loss of sanity, loss of life (suicide). Nothing else counts, in my view, and anyone claiming otherwise just cheapens the term. I think the use of “dark night” by anyone beyond stream entry is bullshit-false, linguistically. You may cycle through the dukha nanas, fine, papa che did it a few days ago, we saw him, literally in reobservation. but he was not in a dark night. THIS is a dark night, you enightened, language-devaluing motherfucking enlightened shit sacks. I am in serious fucking danger to my sanity, to my freedom, i am risking homelessness, etc. You fuckers in your “dark nights” are rich people in a poor person’s shirt, as The Boss sang somewhere.
Fuck you, fuck your advice. This prayer I pray is what keeps me alive, my faith, my sanity, and my life.
 
6:ooam [[The mania watch party Administrator has determined that Tim Farrington's last post violated the letter and spirit of the party, and constitutes a grievous "pooping of the party." He is therefore now in a time-out, duration to be determined by the brilliance of his peers.]]
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 8/0:05:34/end 6:17am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/ sit 9/0:05:35/end 6:54am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 10/0:05:36/end 7:24am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 11/0:05:37/end 7:46am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 12/0:05:38/end 8:14am
 
i had a good day, went out into the rain and onto the bus and finally got a big round of errands and shopping done, came home and did a few rounds of more sits,
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 13/0:05:39/end 12:20pm
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 14/0:05:40/end 12:38pm
 
ate a supper circa 3pm ( actually very normal for me, though it felt bizarre to do something at the "usual" time), and fell asleep by 4pm, which is crazy early by any standard. Popped up just now, 8pm-ish, U.S. east coast time, and am sort of hoping I can fall back asleep. If not, i'll try a round by round of sits. Eat when hungry, sleep when tired, right? Isn't that a zen thing? Sit when in danger of wandering the streets foaming at the mouth. Also a zen thing, I believe. It's been so long, with that stuff, it's a little hazy.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 15/0:05:41/end 9:04pm*
 
 
*a funny one, my volume control had gotten muted somehow, and i probably actually went about 10 or 15 minutes before i snuck a peek at the silenced timer and discovered it at 0.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 8/sit 16/0:05:42/end 9:29pm
 
and so, to sleep.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 1/0:05:43/end 12:21am
 
i wrote 0:05:43 on the time of sit, but i actually did an experiment and just let my own sit # 1 timer run, set at the now hilarious 1:12:19, out of curiousity, kind of taking my meditation blood pressure. And i went 0:06:20 and Had To Leap Up Due To the Excitement of It All. Close enough for government work, as my father used to say, with the implicit combat Marine’s contempt for the efficacy of and efficiency of what he thought of as federally organized cluster fucks. This cluster fuck is well within the margin for error.
 
this was a normal wake-up for me, in the sense of happening in the wee hours and being characterized by a strong desire to Just Get To Work, my mind active and me knowing how bad my active mind can kick my ass and get me in trouble unless it receives it strong dosage of attention. People asking “why bother to meditate if it takes forever to become a Buddha?”, take note: it just takes getting out of bed and getting to practice to more or less immediately become less of a danger to yourself or others.
 
One very funny thing: i’ve been in sleep when tired, wake when woke for several days now more radically than “usual”, and one thing i do right now is check my email immediately for fun and love coming in. And in several of the most unlikely hours, there have been very simple messages from agnostic, like “You ok?” in the subject line, so message. The first time it happened i was awake at a freakishly weird hour for me (it was around 10pm--- i go to sleep normally at around 6pm and wake normally around 2 am, so 10pm is basically the only time i am more or less certain of being asleep). And agnostic’s message had come in just minutes earlier. i may have joked him that it woke me up. It has happened like that at least one other time since, coming out of a nap. His message from last night came in around 10pm too, and he said something like “I won’t send this in case it wakes you up. woops,” acknowledging the slightly uncanny phenomenon. This one didn’t wake me up though, so he’s off the hook, i slept right through it for two full hours. This wake-up is just within the old norm’s plus or minus. Therefore i made the pot of coffee, smoked the cigarette, and Just Got To It.
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 2/0:05:45/end 12:54
 
i tried to log in to DhO both immediately after midnight, east coast US time, and just now, just after 1am, midnight in the time zone the site seems to use. Still blocked. Chris said “tomorrow morning,” but it IS tomorrow morning now everyhwre relvant, and i am still banished and jesus fucking christ have i got a lot to say to agnostic, for starters, and and and and. Am surrendered to the apparent fact that what Chris may have meant was “on the morning of 4/21/2020, after i get up and have a sit and make sure the site hasn’t burned down overnight and take care of the normal pressing business, i have your reincarnation on my to-do list, or at least on a post-it note stuck here near my to-do list.” Love, you, Moderator, Sir. Law is our main defense as a society against the rule of force and violence. Whenever you get to it, it’s close enough for government work.
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 3/0:05:45/end 1:20am
 
Smiling Stone: Hey Tim, I forgot to say I love your prayer. It's really got that far out twisted feel of the Esychasm (if I remember right, the Jesus prayer as mantra on the orthodox side of the catholics. I think the jesuits use it as well...
 
TF: I LOVE the heyschasts, and have spent a hilarious amount of time on them. "Word" is anatta, in my practice, as I work to speak Buddhist on DhO, the necessity of not-self, but it is more deeply for me the rock that is higher than "I", the teknos of technique, the logos of the spiritual logic, in all its forms. In my native tradition, it is the word of God, and i use it in a fashion that is frankly mantra-like, despite the handwringing of many in the theistic traditions. (cf. the godawful assaults on the Centering Prayer movement for practicing something like the kind of heyschasm that goes back to the desert monks in the centuries after Jesus and lives on in robust fashion in the Eastern Orthodoxy.)
 
fun side note: I've been reading lately about the history of a quasi-heretical use of the simplest repetition of the Name of the Lord in classic heyschast fashion, among the monks on Mt. Athos. At some point, some well-meaning devotee wrote a little tract that said the technique was so great that he saw it that the Name of God WAS God, so simply to invoke the Name was to be present to the Highest. Complications ensued, "the Name is God" proved to be a real fire-starter technique for a bunch of monks, to such a point that the monks who thought it was heresy, in that formulation, started fighting with the ones who were lit up with the technique's success in their own practice. It got to the point at which the Greek government felt they couldn't let it go on without intervention on Mt. Athos, an island left alone to its own monastic devices for hundreds of years at that point. The Tsar';s government, to forestall Greece taking over what was viewed as actually Russian territory, forestalled the Greek intervention and sent destroyers. The "Name of God is God" monks barricaded themselves in several monastaries, troops landed and blew them all out into the open with fire hoses, and scattered the heretics to various corners of Russia to scatter the problem, while the Metropole worked out whether that Name shit was a heresy or not. WW 1 broke out before the issue was settled, and the occasional Name fight still breaks out today, though no destroyers have had to be sent in recently.
 
[[some shameless wiki-lifting here, The origin of the term hesychasmos, and of the related terms hesychastes, hesychia and hesychazo, is not entirely certain. According to the entries in Lampe's A Patristic Greek Lexicon, the basic terms hesychia and hesychazo appear as early as the 4th century in such fathers as St John Chrysostom and the Cappadocians. The terms also appear in the same period in Evagrius Pontikos (c. 345 – 399), who although he is writing in Egypt is out of the circle of the Cappadocians, and in the Sayings of the Desert Fathers.]]
 
and me now, again, steeped in: Gregory of Nyssa (Life of Moses is awesome, your mind will blow), Gregory of Nazianzus, Evagrius, St. Isaac of Syria, St. Simeon the New Theologian, the Orthodox anthology from the Philokalia, “The Art of Prayer,” which has a Jesus Prayer section and lots of fiery gems from the Abbas of the desert, John of Sinai’s Ladder of Divine Ascent, which our DhO map-happy crowd would love if i could correlate it with the stages of insight (any minute now, it’s on my to-do list and before the Bar(do) closes down, i will get to it)
 
I mean, i had bets down, i was all in with Gregory Palamos during the fourteenth-century fights about heyschasm. I was rooting for the home team. I love this shit.
 
 thanks for setting off another round of mania by the way, Stoner. I bow at your drunken lotus-puffing feet.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 4/0:05:46/end 2:03am
 
“Nothing is so strong as desperation. It knows no defeat at the hand of any, whether on the right hand or the left. When someone has cut off in his mind all hope of life, no one is more daring than he/she; no foe can face him/her, no rumors of affliction can weaken her/his pirpose, for every affliction which may come is less than death, for she/he has resolved to accept death for her/himself.”
St. Isaac of Syria (7th century)
 
Those who speak stages of insight will easily recognize Desire for Deliverance in this quote from a 7th century Syrian, from the silence of his reclusive monastic cell: 3rd vipassana jhana, ṅ9, DfD. This is a place that i think every tradition will recognize, the point of the zen story of the roshi holding the student’s dead under water after he asked about enlightenment (not until you want it as bad as you wanted to breath) (Roshi-san, I bow to your strong wisdom, but I am afraid you have given me meditation-related difficulties and spiritual PTSD).
 
I’ve sometimes thought this goes down to information theory--- nothing, nada, zip, zilch desire for anyfuckingthing, better zero than the shit i know and am and ever will be. 0 0 0 0 . . . and 1, somehow, something: something “noatble,” something noting, in spite of all that 0, as 1. That’s all it takes to make a universe: as much 0 as any sunyata junkie could want, and the occasional, every eon or so, say, 1 that a noting meditation will see or feel. So you generate a number of increasing precision, in DfD: 000000000010000000000000001000000001. . . There’s a snippet of the whole fucking code in one glorious universal binary number, the basis of physics, the solution to quantum gravity. Apply, lather into 1, rinse into 0, repeat. We don’t need your stinkin atom-crashers and your billion dollar budgets, we’re working here in the void from which arises the quantum foam, pre-Planck length, pre-Planck-constant intervals of “time.” All I want for Christmas is real zero. That 1, though, is just undeniable.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 5/0:05/47/end 2:43am
 
Lamentations 3:19-20=Knowledge of Re-observation=(n10, Re-obs), 3rd vipassana jhana
 
“Remebering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
“My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.”
Lamentations 3: 19-20
 
I mean, DUH! Humbled, motherfucker.
 
The Hebrew here is  שׁ֫וּחַ shuach, to sink, literally or figuratively, and so to bow down, incline, humble My soul is sunk, literally, and i know it, by the grace of God.
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 6/0:05:48/end 3:29am
 
Bernadette Roberts + a fatal dose of John of the Cross=Equanimity=EQ=4th vipassana jhana, n11
 
and this, from St. Bernadette Roberts, a contemporary Christian contemplative and one ornery woman, who died just a few years ago, God bless her, and who once, in a letter, tore me a giant new asshole on the issue of meditation and medication, dark night and depression. But that’s another story.
 
This, from her Path to No-Self:
 
When all aspects of the self are in silence, but before reaching the full unitive state, we may come upon a mysterious plateau of silence, a plateau that may be cause for aome concern. Once we have been lured into silence by the infusion of joy and love, all such infusions come to an end, and we are left in silence, wherein there seems to be No God, no self--- nothing but silence itself. After abandoning all to God, we seem abandoned by God, and although there is no anxiety or pain, there is the temptation to move out of this silence, which means moving back into our old frustrations. Right here we seem to have come to a dead end,; we are trapped because we cannot go backward and do not see the way forward. This is a crucial point in the unitive movement. But it becomes a problem only if we make it one, which we can do from sheer ignorance. I know, because I did. Nevertheless, we are standing at the gateway to the very peak of the unitive life.
 
. . . This plateau is actually our time of becoming rooted in silence, rooted until this silence becomes the deeoest, most stable habit of the soul, the deepest aspect of our existence. This plateau is the test of passivity, abandonment, and trust, and it may be a helpful deterrent to look back on the pain and frustration [[editor/translator’s note: cf. Re-observation!]] we encountered when moving out of this silence. We have been too burnt to move, learned too well the lesson: of ourselves, we can do nothing. The only choice is to remain patient, silent, and to be resigned to this state as long as God wills.
 
and this, from John of the Cross, The Living Flame of Love, stanza 3, 33-37:
 
[[FDA note: It has been determined that excessive doses of John of the Cross may be harmful to pretty much anyway. The following passages exceed the RDA by an amount that is beyond measure. DhO is not responsible for any side effects, should anyone chose to read on beyond the first sentence, which is a strong, but safe dose.]]
 
33. Hence persons at this time should be guided in a manner entirely contrary to the former. If, prior to this, directors suggested matter for meditation and these individuals meditated, now this matter should instead be withheld and they should not meditate. For, as I say, they are unable to do so even though they may want to; and were they to try they would be distracted instead of recollected. If previously they sought satisfaction, love, and devotion, and found it, now they should neither desire nor seek it; for not only do they fail to procure it through their own diligence but, on the contrary, they procure dryness. Through the activity they desire to carry on with the senses, they divert themselves from the peaceful and quiet good secretly being given to their spirit. In losing one good they do not gain the other, for these goods are no longer accorded through the senses as before.
Therefore directors should not impose meditation on persons in this state, nor should they oblige them to make acts or strive for satisfaction and fervor. Such activity would place an obstacle in the path of the principal agent who, as I say, is God, who secretly and quietly inserts in the soul loving wisdom and knowledge, without specified acts; although sometimes he makes specific ones in the soul for a certain length of time. Thus individuals also should proceed only with a loving attention to God, without making specific acts. They should conduct themselves passively, as we have said, without efforts of their own but with the simple, loving awareness, as when opening one's eyes with loving attention.
34. Since God, then, as the giver communes with individuals through a simple, loving knowledge, they also, as the receivers, commune with God through a simple and loving knowledge or attention, so knowledge is thus joined with knowledge and love with love. The receiver should act according to the mode of what is received, and not otherwise, in order to receive and keep it in the way it is given. For as the philosophers say: Whatever is received is received according to the mode of the receiver.
It is obvious that if persons do not lay aside their natural active mode, they will not receive that good except in a natural mode; thus they will not receive it, but will remain only with their natural act. For the supernatural does not fit into the natural mode, nor does it have anything to do with it. If individuals should, then, desire to act on their own through an attitude different from the passive loving attention we mentioned, in which they would remain very passive and tranquil without making any act unless God would unite himself with them in some act, they would utterly hinder the goods God communicates supernaturally to them in the loving knowledge. This loving knowledge is communicated in the beginning through the exercise of interior purgation, in which the individual suffers, as we said, and afterward in the delight of love.
If as I say - and it is true - this loving knowledge is received passively in the soul according to the supernatural mode of God, and not according to the natural mode of the soul, individuals, if they want to receive it, should be very annihilated in their natural operations, unhampered, idle, quiet, peaceful, and serene, according to the mode of God. The more the air is cleansed of vapors and the quieter and more simple it is, the more the sun illumines and warms it. A person should not bear attachment to anything, neither to the practice of meditation nor to any savor, whether sensory or spiritual, nor to any other apprehensions. Individuals should be very free and annihilated regarding all things, because any thought or discursive reflection or satisfaction on which they may want to lean would impede and disquiet them and make noise in the profound silence of their senses and their spirit, which they possess for the sake of this deep and delicate listening. God speaks to the heart in this solitude, which he mentioned in Hosea [Hos. 2:14], in supreme peace and tranquility while the soul listens, like David, to what the Lord God speaks to it [Ps. 85:8], for he speaks this peace in this solitude.
 
35. When it happens, therefore, that souls are conscious in this manner of being placed in solitude and in the state of listening, they should even forget the practice of loving attentiveness I mentioned so as to remain free for what the Lord then desires of them. They should make use of that loving awareness only when they do not feel themselves placed in this solitude or inner idleness or oblivion or spiritual listening. So they may recognize it, it always comes to pass with a certain peace and calm and inward absorption.
36. Once individuals have begun to enter this simple and idle state of contemplation that comes about when they can no longer meditate, they should not at any time or season engage in meditations or look for support in spiritual savor or satisfaction, but stand upright on their own feet with their spirit completely detached from everything, as Habakkuk declared he was obliged to do in order to hear what God spoke to him: I will stand on my watch and fix my foot upon my fortress, and I will contemplate what is said to me [Hb. 2:1]. This is like saying: I will raise my mind above all activity and knowledge belonging to my senses and what they can retain, leaving all below, and will fix the foot of the fortress (my faculties), not allowing these faculties to advance a step as regards their own operation that they may receive through contemplation what God communicates to me; for we have already asserted that pure contemplation lies in receiving.
37. It is impossible for this highest wisdom and language of God, which is contemplation, to be received in anything less than a spirit that is silent and detached from discursive knowledge and gratification. Isaiah speaks of it in these words: Whom will he teach knowledge and whom will God make understand the hearing? And Isaiah replies: Those that are weaned from the milk (that is from satisfaction) and drawn away from the breasts (from particular knowledge and apprehensions) [Is. 28:9].
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 7/0:05:49/end 4:00am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 8/0:05:50/end 4:42am
 
Bernadette Roberts and John of the Cross=Knowledge of Conformity (n 12), Change of Lineage (n13), and Path (n14), 4th vipassana jhana
 
Daniel says, in MCBT2, “Conformity means that we suddenly flash onto a way of perceiving the whole of our experiential reality completely, directly, and perfectly clearly. This stage lasts only one moment and never recurs until we attain the next stage of enlightenment. The same is true of the following two stages. Stages 12 through fourteen (Conformity, Change of Lineage, and Path) are the three moments of the first entrance to transcendent ultimate reality (stage 15, or Fruition) through one of the three doors.”
 
Bernadette Roberts, in Path to No-self, is also very clear on this moment, and she uses John of the Cross’s Spiritual Canticle to make her points here. This phase here corresponds to stanzas 38-39, of which she says, “Stanzas 38 and 39, which i have been referring to, are descriptions of transient experiences. In part, their importance is to set off by sheer contrast those elements in the unitive life that are still wanting and imperfect; also, they act as indicators of a future state.”
 
 
Roberts’s entire discussion of union is done, for the map-happy among us, very nicely through a progression of the stanzas of John’s poem “The Spiritual Canticle” and his exegesis of the stanzas, as his method is. I’ve been working on mapping that poem into DoH vernacular for 9 years now
 
cf. https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/16761328
and https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/19272318
 
and never got farther than stanza 22, but Roberts takes it all the way. And then beyond, but that is also a story for another time.
 
Anyway: She says, in Path to No-self:
“This new direction is verified in stanza 38, where we are told that the soul’s two great desires at this time are: to receive “essential glory”--- that is, to see God face-to-face--- and to give love. He explains why, at this point, the desire to give is greater than the desire to receive:
 
John X, here:
Just as the untimate reason for everything is love (which is seated in the will), whose property is to give and not to receive, whereas the property of the intellect (which is the subject of the essential glory) lies in receiving and not giving, the soul in the inebriation of love does not put first the glory she will receive from God, but rather puts first the surrender of herself to Him through true love, without concern for her own profit.
 
Roberts goes on: Since the vision, which presupposes the fullness of love, can be received only in the next life, the soul’s first desire is to give love. Thus giving, or love, takes precedence in the unitive state, just as vision or receiving takes precedence in the next state--- the state beyond union.
 
So Bernadette says 2 stages/stanzas here, Daniel says three. I don’t know anything except that it took me three sits and a mania just to transcribe the sheer minimum of the roughest draft of a correlation between these two spiritual masters, each the state of the art in their tradition, each using the scriptures they have digested into bodily reality and the new notes of their personal styles, and so in turn becoming scripture for those after them (I consider Bernadette Roberts and John of the CRoss, even more than the Bible, which i only really went o because of them, to be my primary scriptures for the past 35 years, and Daniel’s MCBT2 to be the scripture that has allowed me a toe in the water of Buddhism and given me the courage to putter around with these translations, renderings, attempts at cross-mapping, etc.
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 9/0:05:51/end 5:27am
 
John X and B Roberts=Fruition, n15, 4th vipassana jhana
 
D`aniel, briefly: Fruition (phala in Pali) is the fruit of all the meditator’s hard work, the first attainment of ultimate reality, emptiness, nirvana, nibbana, ultimate potential, or whatever extrapolative and relatively inaccurate name you wish to call something utterly non-sensate.
 
Roberts’s discussion of what the John X lineage would call, speaking in perfect Orthodoxy “union with God by participation,”
 
[parenthetical aside that threatened to get way out of hand:] ---“by participation” to avoid being imprisoned or killed for the “I am God” heresy, which got any numbers of less cautious or more defiant or just plain fucking nuts (think agnostic; think me, on a bad day) burned at the stake or thrown into dungeons to die in the rat-infested dark. Hallaj, a sufi, is revered by Islamic mystics for insisting “I am God,” and being executed for heresy, but the Sufis who cite him---Rumi, frequently does--- do usually say it in a finely nuanced way that will keep them just short of that, as Meister Eckhart lived to argue his case for God’s nothingness before the heresy judges, the canny SOB, while his contemporary Margreet Porete, a merely crazy Beguine laywoman with more balls than the whole bunch, insisted on not just saying the same damn thing, but publishing a book about it, and so had to be burned at the stake in downtown Paris. But don’t get me started here on politics, w’re here about Conformity--- where was i, oh yeah---
 
which I will risk the stake by usually using the shorthand of “union,” in Judeo-Christian-Islamic language,
 
is in her remarks on stanza 40 of John X’s Spiritual Canticle. She also points the way beyond John X here, at which every person on DhO would go, Well, yeah, DUH, but SHE IS THE ONLY CREDIBLE (to me, obviously, goes without saying) PERSON IN THE ENTIRE CHRISTIAN MYSTICAL TRADITION WHO HAS THE BALLS, CHOPS, AND ACTUAL LIVED EXPERIENCE TO DO THIS.
 
here’s her stuff, using my cut-precious-books-to-pieces-rather-than-type-all-that-shit siddi:
 
Path, pp. 109-111
 
lovely walk, sun not yet up, but the cloudless eastern sky silver and bright, shading off into darker blues and purples to the west.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 10/0:05:52/end 6:31am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 11/0:05:53/end 7:03am
 
a bit of breakfast, and reincarnation on DhO! I’m have acquired the new siddi of using music from YouTube as an emoji! Honors ever to the Master of Smileys, Sri Papa Che. ;D
 
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 12/0:05:54/end 8:46am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 13/0:05:55/end 9:35am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 14/0:05:56/end 10:06am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 15/0:05:57/end 10:26am
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 17/0:05:59/end 12:31pm
 
PF Practice log/sesshin day 9/sit 18/0:02:01/”theeers isss”/ end 1:06 pm
 
note: working with left thumb against right forefinger. re-watched the video first, ready for this short shower.
 
Theeerrrre isss . . . sinking, sinking, curiousity, alertness, there is PIA, overwhelming sensate . . .Therrrrre isss . . .in-breath, rising . . . there is sinking, looking, therrre is hearing, a heartbeat, not feeling it, hearing it . . .  in my ears, i left the headphones on after watching the video, lol . . . there iss . . . looking, sinking, looking for where the thumb and finger meet, a slight jerk as the thumb moves to generate sensation . . . there is . . . FUCKING THUNDER, IT’S THE TIMER CHIME IN THE HEADPHONES.
 
there is deafness, lol.
 
i could go three next time.
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/ sit 18/0:02:01/”theeers isss”/ end 1:06 pm
 
Practice log/sesshin day 9/ sit 19/0:06:00/bbw/end 7:11pm
 
that’s it, this shit is up to date in the Bar(do). thank you, and we’ll be here all wekk. Tip your bartenders and waietpeople. love, t
 
 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 1/0:04:19/bbw/end 3:55am

first sit of the day, and i didn’t make it to the full time, so still very manic-energy. This is probably a re-start point, in a lot of ways: here in
the Bar of Last Resort, where i can labor in near perfect obscurity until all beings are saved, “me” last. and do my utmost to not be a danger, or even an annoyance, to myself or others. Being in DhO keeps me off the real streets, where my previous manias have culminated in involuntary psychiatric confinement. Being in the Bar keeps me “off the streets” of DhO, where i have been a fucking brass band at every zendo in town. but here, i can just bury my own priceless bullshit beneath more piles of worthless wisdom, and until the moderator feels that i am a festering sore on the body of DhO, no harm, no foul.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 2/0:04:26/bbw/end 4:17am

 I have been treating DhO, during this mania, as a beautiful
alternative to hospitalization or muffling antipsychotic drugs. It has been my
online version of a locked ward. But now i understand that even locked wards online
have their own ethos and etiquette. I learned that early, in the real wards
too.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 3/0:03:41/bbw/end 4:40am

How anyone can question the efficacy of meditative practice is beyond me.

But of course,  i
am, quite literally, insane. My three minute and 40 second sit keeps me off the street right now, for the whole 3:41. That is better that stream entry. That is survival.

 I talked to my nephew via IM tonight--- he is a blues musician and did a live show from his garage on facebook, and it is a benefit of mania
that i was up at an hour to watch it live. We talked afterward, and he was telling me a deeper level on the story of his first-born child, a boy, who died of SIDS, in his arms, while he was asleep, years ago. He said to me tonight, “The last thing he heard was my heartbeat.” 

How can anyone live, without meditation, when your heart can explode like that in a second?
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 4/0:03:41/bbw/end 4:56am

 don’t bring your gems here, kids.
they’ll settle on the sawdust floor
of the Bar of Last Resort,
with everything elsethat is made to become dust. 

April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 5/0:02:44/bbw/end 5:17am

 Apologies in full and heartfelt thanks
to all my teachers now.
You could have taken me all the way
to where the arhants play
without rebirth.
I coulda been a contenduh.
I could been Somebody,
Nobody, four paths on.
Instead i’m just another drunk,
here at the Bar of Last Resort,
where only the jukeboxplays without suffering.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

Posts: 2437 Join Date: 6/13/11 Recent Posts
And fuck that guy you never were
and fuck the horse he never had to ride.
I’m walking all the way
carrying this flaming cross
up the hill and past the ones i grieve

to the toilet in the Bar of Last Resort
to piss away yet another drink of shame. 

* * *

It’s just a matter of time
before some upright citizen
concerned for the good of all
calls the cops on me
for one good reason or another.

It’s just a matter of time
before i gently tryto explain again
that it’s all a joke
and the joke’s on me.

It’s just a matter of time
before some beautiful cop
has to tell me yet again,
that shit’s not funny, man.
thumbnail
sarah elizabeth sky, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Oh, that shit's funny. They just have never, ever  gotten your humor.  
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Sarah Elizabeth, what's a sweetheart like you doin' in a dump like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpRKstHl7Y0
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 6/0:02:18/bbw/end 5:44am

Right now somewhere
some poor kid
sees a giant eye
open out of a fight
between strangers
and yanks away in fear
that he has sat his way
into insanity.

What can I say?
I was insane by birth
before i ever sat a moment.

Have one on me, beloved soul.
I’m crazier than you will ever know.

* * *

When i left my clothes
in separate heaps
on the path of stone
in the killing heat
that led to the empty cross
i filled,
to the horror of the pilgrims
gathered there below,
it still had not occurred to me,
feeling then that there could be no possible return
from this,
that there had never
been any getting away.

Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 7/0:02:37/bbw/ end 6:31am

Enough of the earnest warnings
of pain to come and imminent decay,
Enough of the magic pills
and interventions
that will save the day.
The night has had its way
with me, and tomorrow
is another day
in which the God without relent
will shower mercy
into this horrific flame.
The sun will rise again
and they will say,
It's Wednesday, here
where no one has their way.
.
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sarah elizabeth sky, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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I'm here for the cut glass & fireproof floors.  Obv. 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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aisle 3, ma'am.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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they serve the drinks like rosary beads,
and prayer by prayer
i drink my way
through the countless days
and the single night.
 
This drink is the prayer
\i begged You for
when I screamed
 from the Arizona desert sand.
 
And even then You heard my cry:
I recognized You at once
in the headlight glare
of the Sheriff of Pima County.


April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 8/0:05:08/bbw/end 7:18am
 
I don’t care how bad i pray
it don’t bother me no way
 
i don’t care if i’m never heard
and my voice proceeds without a word
 
i don’t care if it don’t mean shit
and if this mustard seed won’t grow
and all i know is You are it
which don't mean shit
and that’s just so.
 
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Smiling Stone, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Hey Tim,
first visit, just saying hi. Nice poetry, I can connect some of the dots..
Cherish your sanity. Don't give up the fight...

Love and metta
smiling stone
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Smiling Stone:
Hey Tim,
first visit, just saying hi. 
Welcome to the Bar of Last Resort. I would suggest starting with  the Bodhisattva Express, a nifty little backbreaker of a drink guaranteed to send you to hell until all beings are saved. We're having a two-for-one sale on them today.

Nice poetry, I can connect some of the dots..


Them's a lotta dots, any you can connect would be a great help here.

Cherish your sanity. Don't give up the fight...

Love and metta

smiling stone

as our mutual selfless friend agnostic assured me early on, I got this, Stoner. Thanks for the eye on the shaky stagger as I fight on.

love, tim
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 10/0:03:16/bbw/end 8:13am 

There is a natural break in my day when I run out of coffee, and I went for a lovely little walk in the bright sunshine. As I walked past
the commons building, I saw Davey, our young grounds guy, and we started toward each other to shoot the usual bit of shit. I was about fifteen feet away when suddenly a bird fluttered out of the eaves of the building overhang, circled very briefly in a downward arc, and flopped down on the cement. We both hurried toward it, it was a baby, and had fallen out of a nest up there. Davey, an animal soft heart who rescues squirrels and assorted broken-winged avians of all kind, bent and tenderly cupped the bird in his hands, then reached up and laid it back in the next, which was just within reach in the corner of theunder-eave. It settled right back in with its two siblings.

Davey and I looked at each other and laughed. I said, nice move, Dr. Doolittle, and he said, “There’s been three of them in that nest
since i spotted it yesterday.” I said, well there still three, thanks to you, and we went on with our days, him to work and me strolling my lazy ass along in the sunlight. 

There is a touch of irony in Davey’s beautiful love for vulnerable animals. Last year, a coyote took one of his cats, and Davey went out in a forty-degree rain and hunted the thing for twelve hours, then blew it away with some kind of Very Good Rifle. I asked him if he was sure he shot the right coyote, and he shrugged and said, “If not that one, the next one.”

It says a lot about the sixth mega-extinction event our biosphere finds itself in. We are ourselves a force of natural selection at this point, with the weight of selective pressure from many of our most humane and good-hearted people tilting the balance firmly in favor of our pets. God help us all, and the birds and beasts and the air and seas themselves.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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April 22, 2020/sesshin day 10/sit 11/0:05:51/bbw-1/ end 9:35am

 “bbw-1” in the practice log refers to my basic body-breath-word prayer with a high-scatteredness-situation tweak #1. My usual practice is, rosary in hands, L- and R-mudras on the medallion of the Mother of God, to go through the whole prayer once before beginning the circuit of decades bead by bead. But I haven’t gotten off the medallion today, very high wild energy, so this time I just started moving on the beads right away, one bead per phrase of the prayer (13, then). At the thirteenth prayer, i thought “nana 13! A winner!” I couldn’t remember which one 13 was, but i knew that 15 was fruition. I mean, i can hardly ever articulate shit in the Dukha nanas anyway, so who's counting, right? In any case, the actual logarithmic protocol on this bbw-1 variant of the technique is to go back to the medallion once the prayer is completed by phrases, and then start from zero by letters. I know the total was more than fifteen, though, i was, like, seven letters in when the timer sounded. Better mathematicians than me may have an opinion on this, but I believe that may qualify as a fruition.

I did get through the entire timed sit for the first time today, anyway. Better than fruition, really, almost six minutes not out somewhere scaring someone. Tell me meditation isn't immediately beneficial! 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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break in practice for narrative theology:

So my friend and mentor in (heretical, he insists, but really smart and funny) Cabala, Rebbe Massimo Melli of Sicily, has a discussion going on Academia.com around his latest paper, a little koan-like parable/question cutting to the heart of "why something, and not nothing? Why is there movement and not , uh, stillness?" And one of his crazed chums (not me, another one), weighed in recently with this:
 
“I have proved that the universe is an elastic continuum. And all matter, light, quanta, neutrinos are wave vortices. Not vortices of matter like tornadoes, but vortices of waves circling around an axis. The whole universe obeys a three-dimensional wave equation. An attempt to quantify the elasticity of the continuum of the universe failed. Only a certain estimate is obtained. According to this estimate, the elasticity of the universe can be very large. This means that the amplitudes of wave oscillations in the universal continuum can be very small. And in the limit, the elasticity of the universal continuum can be infinite. That is, the universal continuum is absolutely rigid. But in this case, the amplitudes of the wave oscillations in the wave vortices are equal to zero. That is, everything that we observe in the universe is a game of zeros. That is, there really is no movement. There is no mass movement. And the mass itself is not. Only one zeros. Only a game of zeros. It may be that the universe is mathematics itself.”
 Alexandr I Dubinyansky a chemical physicist at Moscow Institute of Physics and Technology, specializing currently in search engine science.
 
Buy that man a drink at the Bar of Last Resort. Dr. Dubinvansky, we have been holding your chair.
 
Seriously, i’m crazy as fuck, but Massimo is crazier, and sane as they come. And this Russian, still scoping him out. Definitely crazy as fuck, the first qualifier. I couldn't make this shit up. I think Massimo does. But, uh, there it is.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 11 Months ago.

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You know, in a crazy contest, there is absolutely no way of beating reality itself. 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
You know, in a crazy contest, there is absolutely no way of beating reality itself. 


emoticon amen, amen!
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Just look at the hell we find ourselves in right now.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Chris Marti:
Just look at the hell we find ourselves in right now.

This sort of comment can mean a ton of different things to me, depending on whether there is a humorous framework or a serious one or both, and depending on what is meant by "we" and "right now"... and "find". Could you please narrow it down for me? emoticon
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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This sort of comment can mean a ton of different things to me, depending on whether there is a humorous framework or a serious one or both, and depending on what is meant by "we" and "right now"... and "find". Could you please narrow it down for me? emoticon

The best way for me to narrow this down is to tell you I live in the U.S. You can figure things from there.
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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Okay, so gallows humor then. Gotcha. Thanks! 
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Okay, so gallows humor then. Gotcha. Thanks! 


oops.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Chris Marti:
Just look at the hell we find ourselves in right now.

This sort of comment can mean a ton of different things to me, depending on whether there is a humorous framework or a serious one or both, and depending on what is meant by "we" and "right now"... and "find". Could you please narrow it down for me? emoticon

i think he was referring to the human-induced mega-extinction event i referenced, and in a larger sense to a real sense of ecological planetary crisis, as manifested, for instance, in our present pandemic, which David Quammen makes a good case is an inevitable result of our encroachment into wild places and the inevitable transmission of diseases and viruses that have for thousands of years been adaptively balanced in their host species, but which can prove fatal when making the leap to humans. The corona virus is just the latest example of this. 

But i would never presume to speak for Chris. emoticon
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

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Some designers and software people think they have cogent input into every other domain. They're almost always full of shit about that, of course, but they plow on through anyway, with their endemic lack of self-awareness. Peter Thiel comes to mind here, but not Bill Gates, who seems to have developed a very realistic approach to what he's doing with the Gates Foundation, He actually will tell you he doesn't know what he doesn't know.

Also, a good example of a software-type (and physics/math whiz) person who adds real value is Stephen Wolfram. I recommend his book, A New Kind of Science
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Chris Marti:

Also, a good example of a software-type (and physics/math whiz) person who adds real value is Stephen Wolfram. I recommend his book, A New Kind of Science

Yeah, he looks like someone i would love, i eat that stuff up, in season. You know i've got a folder full of notes and a couple of draft-starts on a time travel novel, in which i fully intend to distort the beautiful, sober, realistic work of people like Wolfram on the actual frontiers of real knowledge into cheesy crap. This is how i make a living, man. Baby needs a new pair of shoes.

emoticon
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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So we do have stuff in common!

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Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Ever read any Neal Stephenson?
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

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Ever read any Neal Stephenson?

Stephenson books I've read:  Snowcrash, Cryptonomicon, The Diamond Age

Due mainly to my age and my grade school interest in sci-fi, I'm a huge fan of Asimov, Heinlein, Herbert, Van Gogt, Clarke, Bradbury, Niven, Pohl, and Adams. Also Vonnegut, Dick, Le Guin, and Sterling.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Chris Marti:
Ever read any Neal Stephenson?

Stephenson books I've read:  Snowcrash, Cryptonomicon, The Diamond Age


You might, for the sheer info-astoundingness of it, try Dodge in Hell, a sort of AI-bardos tour de force.

Due mainly to my age and my grade school interest in sci-fi, I'm a huge fan of Asimov, Heinlein, Herbert, Van Gogt, Clarke, Bradbury, Niven, Pohl, and Adams. Also Vonnegut, Dick, Le Guin, and Sterling.

I was weaned on Kurt Vonnegut. There's your black humor. Slaughterhouse-Five is one of the best novels ever written, and--- wait for it--- or, anticipate it--- it is a time travel thing, along with cosmic absurdity and the heartbreak of that, of course. Kurt Vonnegut put his blessing on my own writing routine, by the way, when someone asked him why he had such a "short" work day, and he said that he could only be smart four hours a day.And Le Guin is a saint or something, honestly.

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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

RE: The Bar(do) of Last Resort

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Have you read Vonnegut's Ice Nine?
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Chris Marti:
Have you read Vonnegut's Ice Nine?


Yeah, i actually had a taste of that recently. It made my blood run cold.

(edit) what was that one where he said, "So it goes" everytime someone died? Like, a lot.

and the one where he informed the reader that Kilgore Trout (i think) had started using the * sign to signify ass-hole? (useful, that, come to think of it, you *)

But Moderator, Sir, it was just punctuation. 
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

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 what was that one where he said, "So it goes" everytime someone died? Like, a lot.

I'm pretty sure that was Slaughterhouse Five.

T, modified 11 Months ago.

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Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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T:
Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt


what's that from, you *?

emoticon
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Chris Marti:
 what was that one where he said, "So it goes" everytime someone died? Like, a lot.

I'm pretty sure that was Slaughterhouse Five.



Billy Pilgrim had come unstuck in time.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Chris Marti:
Ever read any Neal Stephenson?

Stephenson books I've read:  Snowcrash, Cryptonomicon, The Diamond Age

Another Stephenson book that comes to mind is Anathem. I don't actually recommend reading it unless you have a serious case of NS love, because the first big chunk of the big fat book is dry as very well-dried shit, very technical stuff, with a whole new invented language to boot. I mean, dry as shit technical stuff in a whole new language--- you know, like MCTB2 and most of DhO) emoticon--- is an acquired taste.

He is setting up a marvelous ultimately transtemporal story of cosmic vastness and import, but you gotta work. The start is all in a monastery thousands of years in the future, and i just want to tell you about one aspect of the society. They are closed off from the secular world, and only open the gates and mingle with the outside once a year. There are a number of levels to the monks: oners, who are only there from 1-10 years, and so go out every year when the gates open, for three days, before retiring for another year with no contact.

be patient, you will love this, really.

Then there are "tenner" monks--- they only go out once every decade. They are isolated on a different level from the oners (all the categories of monks are in their own bubble), so ten years pass between them getting any news of the outside world at all. And then hundreders, thousanders, and ten thousanders. The thousanders are essentially rumors, though they are known to exist; ditto exponentially for the ten thousanders. Everyone from the hundreds up can go an entire normal human lifetime without ever having any contact with the world outside the monastery. Em[ires rise and fall, planetary catastrophes sweep through and pass, before these guys get their next headline.

Do you see why i am so struck by it? (hint: how often do certain DhO denizens show up at the oner level?)
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

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That's great stuff! I need to order that book.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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well, don't say i didn't warn you, 100 pages in. But i just read it for the third time, an incredibly rare thing. NS is that perfect storm of reading for me, entertaining enough to qualify as what i variously think of as "spaghetti reading," "potato reading," veg-out reading," and trash. Comfort food, basically: if the pages turn, good neough for me. The pages fly in NS.

But he is also substantial, thrilling, intellectually challenging and exciting, and i learn stuff every page, not just about pure story-telling craft, but about the world--- AI, logic, math, history, psychology, space flight, communications theory--- you name it, the guy has a genius new angle on it. He makes everything fresh.


and so it goes!
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Practice log/April 23, 2020/sesshin day 11/sit 8/0:06:06/bbw/ortho/ end 9:28am/embrace

Practice log/April 23, 2020/sesshin day 11/sit9/0:06:07/bbw/sinistral/ end 10:10am/ this 

Practice log/April 23, 2020/sesshin day 11/sit 10/0:06:08/bbw/ortho/end 10:38am/You breathe 
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

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well, don't say i didn't warn you, 100 pages in.

I'll be fine, probably better than fine - maybe like a pig in shit. I like that kind of material.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Chris, continuing to mull the monastic levels in Anathem:

 10 (0-power) = oners= those prior to stream entry.
10 (1st power) = tenners= Sotapanna
10 (2nd power)  = hundreders= 
Sakadagamin, once-returner to “the world,” matches neatly: no hundreder could live a normal human life span and return more than once.
10 (3rd power) = thousanders= Anagami, none ever see the world outside the monastery gate at all.
10 (4th power) =ten-thousanders=  Arahant, inconceivable relation to world? but real.

I  think the novel ends up implying that even the ten-thousanders, outliving many civilizations, may still have their on on some higher, more inclusive dot. 

Tell me NS didn’t have this in mind, with this monastic notion!
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Practice log/April 23, 2020/sesshin day 11/sit 11/0:06:09/bbw/sinistral/end 11:35am/gift

Practice log/ April 23, 2020/sesshin day 11/sit 12/0:06:10/bbw/ortho/end 12:29pm/no fear
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Chris Marti, modified 11 Months ago.

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It's certainly geometric in design. But I dunno, I'll just have to read it.
Tim Farrington, modified 11 Months ago.

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Empiricist!

love, mandala drawer
emoticon