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Siavash's Practice Log 3

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Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/17/20 11:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/17/20 11:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/17/20 12:08 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 6:07 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/18/20 3:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 3:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 6:26 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/19/20 8:10 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/19/20 8:26 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:41 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/19/20 9:02 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:42 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:50 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:31 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:43 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:51 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 9:21 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 8:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 12:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 6:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/23/20 3:49 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/23/20 5:50 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/24/20 3:43 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/28/20 9:17 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Hibiscus Kid 5/28/20 7:00 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/28/20 7:53 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 5/29/20 1:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 5/29/20 1:39 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 1:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 5/29/20 1:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 5/29/20 3:01 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:44 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 1:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/30/20 2:11 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/30/20 2:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 11:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/30/20 6:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/2/20 11:27 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/2/20 12:15 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/2/20 12:57 PM
Siavash's Practice Log 3
journal log practice log meditation log practice journal kasina fire kasina
Answer
5/17/20 11:16 AM
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.
This is the first part on fire kasina:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

And this is the second part:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

And this is the third part:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695



------------------------

Sunday, May 17, 2020, 8:43 PM

I still don't know why I created this new log thread, but maybe the previous one was long, maybe I was tired of seeing similar numbers, maybe starting something new is good, whatever.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/17/20 11:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Siavash, may this fresh space refresh your faith. May this new thread weave into the tapestry seamlessly, like spun gold, and show you the path through confusion to the vision of all. May your practice be strong, and tender, slow, and in God's time; and the fruits of your beautiful practice bear fruits, for you and for all beings. Amen, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/17/20 12:08 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 6:07 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 18, 2020, 9:46 AM

Yesterday as usual having problem with working, I started asking questions myself about the things that I don’t like/want to do, and asking why I don’t like/want to do them, or what is the other thing that I am doing instead of the ones that I should do, that is more likable/pleasant/comfortable/or-what-the-hell-that-is compared to the ones that I don't like/want to do. Started to work after that, a minutes later I get an urge to go to bed, investigate that urge, work for another few minutes, there is an urge to listen to some interview, ok fuck that urge, I have listened to these idiots enough, another few minutes, let’s go to bed, let’s meditate! Continued this for about an hour, then a colleague called and I had to go out and give some of the devices that I had, so after I came back, there was no energy to do even that thing. Instead a deep deep sadness/despair/boredom/aversion, that when it reaches to that level, it turns into a kind of indifference and not caring. Body loses energy and becomes numb and dull, mind becomes calm, facial muscles are relaxed, and you don’t care about any damn thing. Like a father that has watched his wife and children get drown in the flood, and couldn’t do anything, and now is sitting there, one hand resting on the other hand, and his eyes are locked onto the horizon, but his gaze is not sharp, and nothing can move him, he is speechless and motionless.

While going to bed I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during sleep and while waking up. I had done it a few days ago too for one or two nights. In the middle of the night I woke up, lying down in my bed, but in my parents house in the room that I sleep when I am there, and I could see my mother over there, and see the windows and etc. Not very clear, but like most dreams, but I also feel my body here in my bed, and I know that I am really here in my own house, but that other one is happening too and I know its in dream space, and let’s call it a dream (Actually this was the kind of thought that I had). I noticed that if I move much, the share of parents house decreases in my experience and share of my house increases, as if the images of house start to get replaced by this one. So I didn’t move much, and was feeling my body here, and sometimes noticing different sensations on it, and at the same time being in a dream, lying down in my bed in my parents house, and there was occasional images happening in that dream and some dialogs. I wanted to call it dreamlet, but I am not comfortable with it because it brings Liferay to my mind, and it was Liferay that introduced portlets first, but I didn’t like it at that time at all, so I didn’t learn it, and anything that has any <>let in it, there is a negative tone to it for me often. Anyway, this playing with wakeful dream continued for 30-40 minutes maybe, and I was keeping it there while being in that dream and feeling my body here and knowing that both the dream and present-room-reality are happening at the same time, but then I got tired and bored and got up, and lied down again to fall in a single-threaded sleep/dream.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 3:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
Yesterday as usual having problem with working, I started asking question myself about the things that I don’t like/want to do, and asking why I don’t like/want to do them, or what is the other thing that I am doing instead of the ones that I should do, that is more likable/pleasant/comfortable/or-what-the-hell-that-is compared to the ones that I don't like/want to do. 
 
marvelous. At the extreme, i have basically taken myself off somewhere and vowed to never again do a single bullshit thing. Leaves quite the empty space in a life, at first. St. Augustine said, "Love, and do whatever the fuck you want." It sounds better in the Latin, of course.
 
Started to work after that, a minutes later I get an urge to go to bed, investigate that urge, work for another few minutes, there is an urge to listen to some interview, ok fuck that urge, I have listened to these idiots enough, another few minutes, let’s go to bed, let’s meditate! Continued this for about an hour,
 
then a colleague called and I had to go out and give some of the devices that I had, so after I came back, there was no energy to do even that thing.
 
perfect illustration: that shit is killing you, sapping you, drowning you, burying you.
 
Instead a deep deep sadness/despair/boredom/aversion, that when I reaches to that level, it turned into a kind of indifference and not caring. Body loses energy and become numb and dull, mind becomes calm, facial muscles are relaxed, and you don’t care about any damn thing. Like a father that has watched his wife and children get drown in the flood, and couldn’t do anything, and no is sitting there, one hand resting on the other hand, and his eyes are locked into the horizon, but his gaze is not sharp, and nothing can move him, he is speechless and motionless.
 
yup. the outcome of living grief drowing in dead bullshit.
 
While going to bed I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during asleep and while waking up. I had done it a few days ago too for one or two nights. In the middle of the night I woke up, lying down in my bed, but in my parent house in the room that I sleep when I am there, and I could see my mother over there, and see the windows and etc. Not very clear, but like most dreams, but I also feel my body here in my bed, and I know that I am really here in my own house, but that other one is happening too, and let’s call it a dream (Actually this was the kind of thought that I had). I noticed that if I move much, the share of parents house decreases in my experience and share of my house increases, as if the images of house start to get replaced by this one.
 
This is how you come into your true heritage: by slowing down and letting it come into you. You are embodying the best of what your parents gave you, in your meditative practice and in your own self-acceptance, which inevitably includes parent-acceptance, in the long run.
 
 
So I didn’t move much, and was feeling my body here, and sometimes noticing different sensations on it, and at the same time being in a dream, lying down in my parents house, and there was occasional images happening in that dream, to dream-like thing, I wanted to call it dreamlet, but I am not comfortable with it because it brings Liferay to my mind, and it was Liferay that introduced portlets first, but I didn’t like it at that time at all, so I didn’t learn it, and anything that has any <>let in it, there is a negative tone to it. Anyway, this playing with wakeful dream continued for 30-40 minutes maybe, and I was keeping it there, but then I got tired and bored and got up, and lied down again to fall in a single-threaded sleep/dream.
 
lol, even the best states get boring! true dat.
 
love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 3:45 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
that shit is killing you, sapping you, drowning you, burying you.
Yes.

even the best states get boring! true dat.
Yes.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 6:26 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 18, 2020, 3:37 PM

I sat for a little less than an hour, practicing this investigation and questioning of my resistance to working and other activities. I started bringing to mind things that I do with no resistance or most of time with no resistance, like drinking tea, or writing a post like this one that although sometimes there is resistance to it, but it’s often subtle, and comparing them with activities like working. After examining different scenarios and images and feelings, I came to this conclusion that probably there is a key different between writing this post and working, and this is about defining success and failure and getting positive or negative feedback. Something like drinking tea or writing log post doesn’t feel like a failure, and a lot of times has a subtle pleasant feeling as a feedback too, but a lot of times working feels/looks like a failure and has negative feeling with it. Why?

It’s the end of month now (with out calendar, Persian/Jalali calendar), other than today there is only two days left of this month, and I have worked only 10 hours so far, so I won’t be able to have enough hours to cover the expenses. As a result of that, in the last days this thought regularly was coming to my mind as a plan, that I should work 8-10 hours in the days left, to at least cover the main expenses, and also to make it look like I haven’t failed terribly. And now several hours after waking up, I know that I can’t possibly work for 10 hours today, and I should accept this reality, but the resistance is that I can’t accept it, it’s a failure. To start to work now, means that I am accepting that I won’t be able to reach that perfect goal that I had in mind, and since I don’t like to accept it, I don’t start, and when I start, immediately I look for other activities to do. Working for 3 hours doesn’t give a positive feedback that I worked for 3 hours, it gives a negative feedback that I couldn’t work for 8-10 hours, and it gives another negative feedback that considering today, tomorrow I won’t be able to work for 8-10 hours too. So today’s 3 hours work, is today’s failure, and if I make it happen and accept it, it means that I should accept tomorrow’s failure (tomorrow’s 3 hours) too, even if I could do that. So I just don’t start in the first place, maybe desperately hoping that this whole setup would change. I return back to the past and start the month differently, or go 10 more years back to start a different kind of life style. I heard someone said something about these situations, which I think probably is true about me here. Meaning that, I can’t accept this reality that 28 days of this month have passed and I have worked only 10 hours, because I can’t forgive myself for these 28 days. Sorry for typos, I can’t go back to read it again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 8:10 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, May 18, 2020, 3:37 PM

I sat for a little less than an hour, practicing this investigation and questioning of my resistance to working and other activities. I started bringing to mind things that I do with no resistance or most of time with no resistance, like drinking tea, or writing a post like this one that although sometimes there is resistance to it, but it’s often subtle, and comparing them with activities like working. After examining different scenarios and images and feelings, I came to this conclusion that probably there is a key different between writing this post and working, and this is about defining success and failure and getting positive or negative feedback. Something like drinking tea or writing log post doesn’t feel like a failure, and a lot of times has a subtle pleasant feeling as a feedback too, but a lot of times working feels/looks like a failure and has negative feeling with it. Why?



maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.

It’s the end of month now (with out calendar, Persian/Jalali calendar), other than today there is only two days left of this month, and I have worked only 10 hours so far, so I won’t be able to have enough hours to cover the expenses. As a result of that, in the last days this thought regularly was coming to my mind as a plan, that I should work 8-10 hours in the days left, to at least cover the main expenses, and also to make it look like I haven’t failed terribly. And now several hours after waking up, I know that I can’t possibly work for 10 hours today, and I should accept this reality, but the resistance is that I can’t accept it, it’s a failure. To start to work now, means that I am accepting that I won’t be able to reach that perfect goal that I had in mind, and since I don’t like to accept it, I don’t start, and when I start, immediately I look for other activities to do. Working for 3 hours doesn’t give a positive feedback that I worked for 3 hours, it gives a negative feedback that I couldn’t work for 8-10 hours, and it gives another negative feedback that considering today, tomorrow I won’t be able to work for 8-10 hours too. So today’s 3 hours work, is today’s failure, and if I make it happen and accept it, it means that I should accept tomorrow’s failure (tomorrow’s 3 hours) too, even if I could do that. So I just don’t start in the first place, maybe desperately hoping that this whole setup would change. I return back to the past and start the month differently, or go 10 more years back to start a different kind of life style. I heard someone said something about these situations, which I think probably is true about me here. Meaning that, I can’t accept this reality that 28 days of this month have passed and I have worked only 10 hours, because I can’t forgive myself for these 28 days. Sorry for typos, I can’t go back to read it again.

ah, my friend. I love you. This just breaks my heart. Let me know if you need a cash infusion, i'll rob a fucking bank or something.

p.s. quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 8:26 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.


All my colleagues are very good, honest and decent people, and they always appreciate my work. Although there was a manager in the other company that our company is working with, and that person always causes immense suffering for themeselves and for our team, because they are a very selfish, arrogant and narcissistic person, and just hates our manager. Today I heard that they have replaced that person with someone that is a good person, and knows their shit well. That can be a good news for many people related to our work.

quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

If you don't have experiences like, you want to do something that can take only an hour, but you haven't been able to do it in days, months, years, then probably these feelings/states are not familiar to you.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 9:02 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, May 19, 2020, 6:18 PM

A few weeks ago I was asleep at night and woke up by my phone ringing, it was an old friend (we are friends for 28 something years), he had called me a minute before that and I had answered without waking up, so he had called again. He said I was worried and just wanted to hear your voice, so we ended the call.

He called again a week or so later, and I didn’t respond, wasn’t in a mood to talk, and later sent him a message that I am fine, I’ll call you later, but I didn’t.

Again he called 3 days ago, and I didn’t respond. I was in a much worse mood. Then he called the next day and again I didn’t respond and sent him a message that I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow. He sent a few messages saying that I was getting a very very intense feeling of missing you suddenly during these weeks, that I become very worried thinking that there is something terribly wrong going on with you. That was how he described it. So I finally called him today, and he said the same thing, that suddenly I start missing you very intensely to a point that I lose myself becoming very worried, so I just wanted to hear your voice and see that you are ok, and the first time I called I didn’t even check the time and just wanted to call. So we talked for half an hour or so, and I guess it was a reassurance for him that I am ok.

But it was kind of strange. Although not strange to me, but maybe for some people, since I have observed many things many times like this, that you feel something is going on with someone without talking to them or without knowing anything about their current situation.

Anyway, there was nothing better than this to share for now. At least writing some words here makes a little difference.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:31 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 5:48 PM

I was expecting that the symptoms of sickness return with high intensity in the last few days, according to the pattern that it had during these weeks, but they haven’t. It can be a sign that it has started to recover, I hope.

For 2-3 days I wasn’t able to eat any food, and there was a mess yesterday morning, that I had to vomit everything that was in my stomach, the the show started even before I could reach the bathroom.

There was another mess at night. A thunder storm started, and some minutes later it started raining as crazy and mad as it could be. Two windows were open in the kitchen and the other room, and I waited only less than a minute to get up and close them, but water was everywhere already, and it took a while to clean it and empty the water.

An hour ago I finally could eat some chicken, and the body lost its energy after that and became very tired. I guess it tries to digest the food. Going to bed, to maybe do a little practice.

Just wrote this to delete the previous one.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:41 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.


All my colleagues are very good, honest and decent people, and they always appreciate my work. Although there was a manager in the other company that our company is working with, and that person always causes immense suffering for themeselves and for our team, because they are a very selfish, arrogant and narcissistic person, and just hates our manager. Today I heard that they have replaced that person with someone that is a good person, and knows their shit well. That can be a good news for many people related to our work.

quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

If you don't have experiences like, you want to do something that can take only an hour, but you haven't been able to do it in days, months, years, then probably these feelings/states are not familiar to you.


Thanks.

forgive me twice, for my presumption, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:42 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tuesday, May 19, 2020, 6:18 PM

A few weeks ago I was asleep at night and woke up by my phone ringing, it was an old friend (we are friends for 28 something years), he had called me a minute before that and I had answered without waking up, so he had called again. He said I was worried and just wanted to hear your voice, so we ended the call.

He called again a week or so later, and I didn’t respond, wasn’t in a mood to talk, and later sent him a message that I am fine, I’ll call you later, but I didn’t.

Again he called 3 days ago, and I didn’t respond. I was in a much worse mood. Then he called the next day and again I didn’t respond and sent him a message that I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow. He sent a few messages saying that I was getting a very very intense feeling of missing you suddenly during these weeks, that I become very worried thinking that there is something terribly wrong going on with you. That was how he described it. So I finally called him today, and he said the same thing, that suddenly I start missing you very intensely to a point that I lose myself becoming very worried, so I just wanted to hear your voice and see that you are ok, and the first time I called I didn’t even check the time and just wanted to call. So we talked for half an hour or so, and I guess it was a reassurance for him that I am ok.

But it was kind of strange. Although not strange to me, but maybe for some people, since I have observed many things many times like this, that you feel something is going on with someone without talking to them or without knowing anything about their current situation.

Anyway, there was nothing better than this to share for now. At least writing some words here makes a little difference.
i hope i'm not that friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:43 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 5:48 PM

I was expecting that the symptoms of sickness return with high intensity in the last few days, according to the pattern that it had during these weeks, but they haven’t. It can be a sign that it has started to recover, I hope.

For 2-3 days I wasn’t able to eat any food, and there was a mess yesterday morning, that I had to vomit everything that was in my stomach, the the show started even before I could reach the bathroom.

There was another mess at night. A thunder storm started, and some minutes later it started raining as crazy and mad as it could be. Two windows were open in the kitchen and the other room, and I waited only less than a minute to get up and close them, but water was everywhere already, and it took a while to clean it and empty the water.

An hour ago I finally could eat some chicken, and the body lost its energy after that and became very tired. I guess it tries to digest the food. Going to bed, to maybe do a little practice.

Just wrote this to delete the previous one.

It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:50 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
i hope i'm not that friend.

No, you are not! He is another friend emoticon !

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:51 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.


What a dream!
That would mean that Kafka was miserable enough!?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 9:21 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.


What a dream!
That would mean that Kafka was miserable enough!?


a Master of Miserable Enough.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 8:45 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 22, 2020, 5:58 PM

Fortunately the symptoms of sickness have not returned, and yesterday and today there were less negative emotions. Body is still weak, and there is lack of energy, and problem with eating, but I have been able to eat some yesterday and today.

I am coming to this conclusion that I need to reframe things related to work and other things that I have resistance for. Currently whenever any thought related to work comes to mind, it feels like a burden, that it’s an unpleasant thing to do that has no positive outcome. I should replace this mentality with this other one, that it’s good that I have a job, that I can work and earn money. It could be the other way, and it would be a lot worse than this. Also I should remind myself how it was in the past, that I used to enjoy working, enjoy coding and solving problems. This reminded me of what one of my friends used to say (Not as a positive thing according to him), that he used to say: “You like solving problems, so you try to turn everything into a problem, solve it, put it aside, and then start looking for another problem!”.

The other thing that is related to this resistance, is that it feels that this situation won’t change. No matter what I do, it won’t be enough, it won’t be good or normal again, since it’s too late, and it’s pointless to try.
It’s obvious that this is not true, and it will change, and any amount of work toward positive is good, but this needs to be reminded again and again and again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 12:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 22, 2020, 10:07 PM

I was sitting there, trying to reframe things! so that I could start to work. But I got tired, and took that reframing to bed with me and turned it into a metta practice, mostly toward myself, and did it for about an hour there. Started feeling a little better, I was forcing a half smile too. 

So got up, and came back to do it again. But each time bringing it to mind feels like not having air to breathe, and the next thing that comes to mind is, let’s go to bed. Then decided to force myself to start, and if I couldn’t do it, I can end it after a few minutes. So started, and worked for two plus hours, just applying similar force again and again.

Then sent the report for this month. No one likes to read such reports and no one likes to write such reports. It was painful.

At least this was just a little good karma, and little relief.

The is my practice now, in case you are wondering how is this related to a practice log.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 6:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, May 23, 2020, 3:15 AM

It seems that there has been a shift in experience today.
I did an hour plus sit, and similar to a number of times in the past, concentration was causing frequent yawning. And at the end there is strong sleepiness now. This sleepiness is not related to sleep. It has been happening periodically for sometime now, and when it arises, for some day there is this strong sleepiness, that body feels like it hasn't slept for a few days.

Also there is a change in the pain that arises in the back as a result of practice. Often it's in a few small points, that is a sharp or strong pain in just those points. Now the intensity of pain is lesser, but it's in a large area in the left side of the back. This has showed up a few times in the last days, but it was only for a few minutes each time, but now it has been there for the last couple of hours.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/23/20 3:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
The is my practice now, in case you are wondering how is this related to a practice log.
It hadn't occurred to me to wonder, but now that you mention it, thank [metaphysical or pragmatic Name inserted, according to tsate, style, and tradition, as well as whimsy and sponatneous verbal kriya.]


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/23/20 5:50 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
[metaphysical or pragmatic Name inserted, according to tsate, style, and tradition, as well as whimsy and sponatneous verbal kriya.]



Curious to know what this was that got replaced!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/24/20 3:43 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, May 24, 2020, 12:48 PM

Yesterday when I woke up I noticed there are aches and pains in the body, and the day before that there was discomfort and itchiness in throat and trachea with occasional coughs, but I was thinking that probably these are the last signs in the process of recovery. But then during the few hours after waking up, all the symptoms returned with high intensity. I was preparing to sit and do some work, but the discomfort raised so much that I couldn’t sit anymore, and I went to bed. Tried to do some practice while in bed, and there was lots of energetic sensations, that then turned into strong pain in the lower back and base of spine.

Fell asleep, and was there in bed for 10-15 hours maybe, and there was a lot of dreams, some of them of a kind that I hadn’t for a while, that I jump from a high place and stay in the air for sometime but land safely, or I come down from a high wall very easily like it’s horizontal and I walk down.

During some of the dreams I think I had some awareness going on, or maybe there was some lucidity, since I was waking up but couldn’t get up and that happened a number of times. After I got up, the intensity of pain and other symptoms was the same, but I started feeling better about it. Because this fact that all the symptoms were gone, and then they all came back together, make me almost certain that this sickness is covid (Yeah, I decided to be less skeptical about that), and that feels better than not knowing what it is, since it’s not a normal flu like all the other times before this pandemic.

These last few hours body feels better than morning, so I was able to do some cleaning in the fridge. There was a lot of foods there that I had not been able to eat them while there were still alive, and I had kept them in the fridge to not have them stink. That gives a little relief.

While writing the previous post and before that, there was itching in the palm of left hand. In our culture in Azerbaijan, some people say that if you have itching in your left palm, that means you’ll get money from somewhere. I have observed this many times, and often it has been true for me. So while writing that post, I wanted to mention it, then I thought that most people will take that as nonsense, so I didn’t, and I wasn’t expecting any money from anywhere, but last night after having that itch for the last time, I had a text message from the bank of a money transfer, and the itch was gone after that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 9:17 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 29, 2020, 2:38 AM

/ **
مدتی این مثنوی تاخیر شد
مهلتی بایست تا خون شیر شد

This Mathnawí has been delayed for a while: an interval was needed in order that the blood might turn to milk.

Rumi, Book 2 of Mathnawi, translation by R.A. Nicholson
*/

I have decided to go back to office from Saturday. The country is open, and I have problem working from home, so there is no reason to not go to the office. Although other team members don’t want to come to the office still, but there is another team there, so at least I won’t be alone there all the time.

After this last time that sickness returned 4-5 days ago, it hasn’t returned again. It was intense for two days, but then body started feeling better, and these last two days my energy level is close to normal, despite not eating enough food.

Although I haven’t practiced much these few days, but I notice activity in the mental visual space, that is different from before. It’s not something new and I had it a number of times before. That when practicing, specially if concentration gets a little better, I notice a lot of visual activity in mind, but without seeing any mental image. What Shinzen calls undercurrent activity in mind. It’s like many many images just flash very quickly and pass away, and it’s so fast that you don’t notice the image itself. Like there are tens of images appearing and disappearing in a second, and the overall tone of it is that these are creepy scary images. Sometimes a single image stays a little longer, and I notice some vague face or something there, that are generally creepy/scary. For instance one that I remembered was a big guy that was sitting on a stair, his arms on his knees, seemed that is thinking about something and is lost in that thought, and his face was a mix of a brown bear and a big cat, probably a lion, but most of his face was nose and mouth.

Today a few hours after I woke up, I remembered that I had a dream about Hokai, and we were talking, but I don’t remember the content. And when waking up, I had a dream that snow was falling with wind, and Stephanie Nash was there talking about the snow, then I noticed that Chris said something about the snow too, but I wasn’t seeing him, but I was seeing Steph very clearly before that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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5/28/20 7:00 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Today a few hours after I woke up, I remembered that I had a dream about Hokai, and we were talking, but I don’t remember the content. And when waking up, I had a dream that snow was falling with wind, and Stephanie Nash was there talking about the snow, then I noticed that Chris said something about the snow too, but I wasn’t seeing him, but I was seeing Steph very clearly before that.

Hey Siavash! It sounds like you have an active dream-life; I remember a majority of my dreams and interestingly I cannot tell if a few of my childhood memories are actually just dreams I had years ago.

I'm wondering whether you put any stock in them...  dreams can be symbolic and really meaningful. I've even experienced certain emotions in dreams that I just haven't had in real, waking life. 

That being said, I also notice that when I think of something often enough, the dreams start integrating those themes over time. For instance, after a break up last year, I have dreams a few times a week where my ex is an important character. I've had dreams about crushes. I've had dreams about my education (classic "I forgot to do any work for this college course and the final exam is today") because I used to be so stressed at university.

Lastly, I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum). Some of these dreams include actual meditation, or instruction, or friendship, or demonic themes, or understandings about life in general.

The thing is, I've always chalked it up to the fact that this stuff is on my mind on a daily basis and this is just another way for the mind to integrate that information. What's your take on it? 

Glad to hear that you're slowly feeling better and healing up!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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5/28/20 7:53 PM as a reply to Hibiscus Kid.
Hey Hibiscus Kid,
Thank you so much for your kind words.

About dreams, yeah they are an important part of my life, they have always been. I think there are different kinds of them, in terms of their importance or sense of having meaning etc, I haven't thought much about categorizing them though. But I've had enough of dreams to think that there are dreams that have signs about what will happen in near future, or what recently has happened that I don't know about it consciously. This last few weeks I had several of them, very clearly telling things about what was going on with my family that I didn't know about and learned later. Some of the dreams were after those events, some were before those events, in terms of the time on the clock/calendar. And this is the way it has always been. I have clear memories of dreams in childhood telling things about what happened the day after them. We can say this is delusion, but then we should think seriously about many other things that we don't label with delusion. I often don't make decisions based on the dreams, but if I have to make some decision and I have negative dreams about that, then often I wait for sometime to have more time to think about it before making that decision.

I have that experience too, that sometimes I am not sure a certain memory was about a dream or something that happened outside dreams.

What I really think, is that we almost don't know anything about dream world in general. Those who have observed and investigated it for a long time, probably know a little more. And in terms of meaning, except maybe for dreams that are forced by the conditions of body, like you have to pee and you see dreams of looking for a bathroom in a crowded place somewhere, I think most of our dreams have much more meaning embeded in them than our waking life, and have more emotional quality. The things that we are afraid to face, we face them in manageable doses in dreams.

About dreams being something just in our minds, ok, but then what is mind? Is the external reality that we perceive is something completely external to our minds? My answer is, I don't know, but I take the dream world seriously.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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5/29/20 11:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 29, 2020, 8:27 PM

This last day I couldn’t do much practice while sitting, so when I went to bed in the morning, I decided to stay awake as long as I can and practice there, and started focusing on my lips touching each other. As a result, for a big portion of the time I was in bed, I was awake, or that I was asleep but had awareness of my body and dreams. There was a lot of dreams, and I remembered some of them clearly. Some of them were seen as first person, but some as third person, the ones that I was aware of being in bed and dreaming and also practicing. But at those times, when I was trying to clarify it in my mind that I am dreaming and I am aware of it, then the dreams would start to turn into normal thoughts in mind. A few times I noticed some shift in how I was perceiving the meditation object, my face and lips, but I don’t know if that was related to the shift from wakefulness to sleep or not.

After waking up, it seems that the energy level is higher than normal. It’s like the times that I am working on a complex design issue at work, and I don’t have any solutions for it, but then a flood of ideas comes, and the energy increases and I start to act, walk,  think, type in a fast and precise way and try to turn the mix of that energy and those ideas into something useful. So there is a strong urge to do something, but not any specific thing.

I have started reading Michael Taft’s book today. Will be prepared to go to office tomorrow, and definitely it feels like a new start.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:31 PM as a reply to Hibiscus Kid.
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:39 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

I have Chris pop out only during my meditations thankfully (I see his scary avatar), and in such instance I follow the good old Zen proverb "If you meet Chris on the road, kill him" emoticon 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:40 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:41 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

I have Chris pop out only during my meditations thankfully (I see his scary avatar), and in such instance I follow the good old Zen proverb "If you meet Chris on the road, kill him" emoticon 



emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:57 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 3:01 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


Well then, you must be at least qualified to be gored by a cow protecting her calf emoticon 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:41 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

No problem here, kids. One good script, here, and badda-bing, badda-boom. Everyone involved so far gets a point of the gross, except Chris, whose real-life killing on the road by a rabid cult member is the scandalous True Story on which the whole shebang is based. He died for our sins, despite trying to be a fucking arhant and not a fucking messiah. but jesus wanted to be a fucking prophet. and, well, oops. you can't always get what you want, chris. I'll see that your wife gets your share.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:44 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


Well then, you must be at least qualified to be gored by a cow protecting her calf emoticon 


Don't be modest, Chris. You are eminently qualified to be killed on the road. We'll have it done as a drive-by, to save on costs. Your wife, uh, widow, gets a point of the gross on the movie and paperback, and all foreign rights.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

Shrwoush, don't worry about the monetization, you're the talent. Just take care of your pretty little self and don't get caught with your pants down.

Obviously, this entire riot crew shares in my regret for storming in here and trashing your somber, sober, sane practice thread. It is unfortunate, in these difficult times, that such vandal crews roam our forums, raising havoc as they will. I vow, as the moderator to succeed the late lamented Christ Marti, tragically killed in the road by a devout, somewhat literalist zen monk, that i will do everything i can to not get killed in the road.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 2:11 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Shrwoush, don't worry about the monetization, you're the talent. Just take care of your pretty little self and don't get caught with your pants down.

Obviously, this entire riot crew shares in my regret for storming in here and trashing your somber, sober, sane practice thread. It is unfortunate, in these difficult times, that such vandal crews roam our forums, raising havoc as they will. I vow, as the moderator to succeed the late lamented Christ Marti, tragically killed in the road by a devout, somewhat literalist zen monk, that i will do everything i can to not get killed in the road.


Hey, do what ever you wish!
We appreciate storms around here emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 2:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Shroush, i thought you probably did.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 6:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
package com.life.practice;

/**
 * Class NewStart
 * @author Yeah
 * Created on Saturday, May 30, 2020, 3:43 PM
 */

public class NewStart {

    public static void main(String[] args) {
        System.out.println("\nHello World Again! emoticon\n");
    }
}

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 11:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020, 8:20 PM

I read this report about this woman that is struggling with covid for 90+ days, and still tests positive. Her sickness pattern looks similar to mine, and probably I "belong to the club" too, and it may not go away in the near future.

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/The-curious-case-of-the-SF-doctor-who-s-been-15304660.php#photo-19472611

After this last time that I started feeling much better than before and started going to office since Saturday, it came back again more than 2 days ago. First day it was mild, but yesterday and today there was so much pain in the body, and some dry coughs last two days with some other milder symptoms. And an unbroken headaches for two days. Although it feels better in this last hours.

But I did go to office last 3 days and did some work. Today I was home because we had a meeting with colleagues (for 4 hours) that I didn't want to have it in the office.
Probably because I've started working, emotionally it feels much better and my energy level is good. Since I was home for 3 months, this 3 days of going to work which involves more than an hour of walking while having my laptop and other things with me and standing in crowded buses, has made the body quite tired. Tomorrow is holiday and then weekends, but next week I'll have a busy week probably, to go to the bank to fix some bugs in the servers.

When you work again, you feel alive again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 12:15 PM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Hang in there, my friend. Stop and smell the roses through your face mask. Let the healing things heal, while the wreckers wreck. You've got this.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 12:57 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim,

Stop and smell the roses through your face mask.

Yeah, I always do.