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Siavash's Practice Log 3

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Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/17/20 11:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/17/20 11:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/17/20 12:08 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 6:07 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/18/20 3:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 3:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 6:26 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/19/20 8:10 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/19/20 8:26 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:41 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/19/20 9:02 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:42 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:50 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:31 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:43 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:51 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 9:21 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 8:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 12:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 6:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/23/20 3:49 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/23/20 5:50 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/24/20 3:43 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/28/20 9:17 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Hibiscus Kid 5/28/20 7:00 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/28/20 7:53 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 5/29/20 1:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 5/29/20 1:39 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 1:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 5/29/20 1:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 5/29/20 3:01 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:44 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 1:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/30/20 2:11 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/30/20 2:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 11:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/30/20 6:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/2/20 11:27 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/2/20 12:15 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/2/20 12:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 5:27 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 10:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/9/20 2:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 3:37 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/10/20 6:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/10/20 6:59 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/9/20 1:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 2:09 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 6:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 7:24 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 10:08 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 10:36 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/19/20 4:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/19/20 3:47 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/24/20 5:20 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/25/20 6:33 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/25/20 12:44 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/25/20 3:47 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/26/20 12:20 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/28/20 6:58 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/29/20 4:25 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/1/20 3:18 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/2/20 6:21 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/3/20 9:06 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/3/20 5:13 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/4/20 9:09 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 9:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/4/20 9:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 9:39 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/3/20 7:15 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/3/20 9:11 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/4/20 7:29 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 7:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 7:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/4/20 8:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/4/20 8:54 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 9:03 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/5/20 8:05 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/5/20 9:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/5/20 9:22 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 5:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/7/20 6:52 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 6:55 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 10:33 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 7/7/20 11:15 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/7/20 11:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 11:36 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 11:33 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/9/20 3:14 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/9/20 7:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/12/20 3:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/13/20 3:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/14/20 6:58 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/14/20 11:02 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/18/20 8:48 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/18/20 10:38 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/20/20 10:46 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/19/20 11:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Sam Gentile 7/19/20 11:19 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/19/20 11:30 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/23/20 12:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Sam Gentile 7/23/20 12:20 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/23/20 12:28 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/24/20 4:01 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/24/20 5:10 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/25/20 7:22 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/25/20 8:18 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/26/20 11:33 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/27/20 3:06 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/2/20 5:45 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/2/20 7:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 8/3/20 5:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/3/20 7:52 AM
Siavash's Practice Log 3
journal log practice log meditation log practice journal kasina fire kasina
Answer
5/17/20 11:16 AM
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.
This is the first part on fire kasina:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

And this is the second part:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

And this is the third part:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695



------------------------

Sunday, May 17, 2020, 8:43 PM

I still don't know why I created this new log thread, but maybe the previous one was long, maybe I was tired of seeing similar numbers, maybe starting something new is good, whatever.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/17/20 11:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Siavash, may this fresh space refresh your faith. May this new thread weave into the tapestry seamlessly, like spun gold, and show you the path through confusion to the vision of all. May your practice be strong, and tender, slow, and in God's time; and the fruits of your beautiful practice bear fruits, for you and for all beings. Amen, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/17/20 12:08 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 6:07 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 18, 2020, 9:46 AM

Yesterday as usual having problem with working, I started asking questions myself about the things that I don’t like/want to do, and asking why I don’t like/want to do them, or what is the other thing that I am doing instead of the ones that I should do, that is more likable/pleasant/comfortable/or-what-the-hell-that-is compared to the ones that I don't like/want to do. Started to work after that, a minutes later I get an urge to go to bed, investigate that urge, work for another few minutes, there is an urge to listen to some interview, ok fuck that urge, I have listened to these idiots enough, another few minutes, let’s go to bed, let’s meditate! Continued this for about an hour, then a colleague called and I had to go out and give some of the devices that I had, so after I came back, there was no energy to do even that thing. Instead a deep deep sadness/despair/boredom/aversion, that when it reaches to that level, it turns into a kind of indifference and not caring. Body loses energy and becomes numb and dull, mind becomes calm, facial muscles are relaxed, and you don’t care about any damn thing. Like a father that has watched his wife and children get drown in the flood, and couldn’t do anything, and now is sitting there, one hand resting on the other hand, and his eyes are locked onto the horizon, but his gaze is not sharp, and nothing can move him, he is speechless and motionless.

While going to bed I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during sleep and while waking up. I had done it a few days ago too for one or two nights. In the middle of the night I woke up, lying down in my bed, but in my parents house in the room that I sleep when I am there, and I could see my mother over there, and see the windows and etc. Not very clear, but like most dreams, but I also feel my body here in my bed, and I know that I am really here in my own house, but that other one is happening too and I know its in dream space, and let’s call it a dream (Actually this was the kind of thought that I had). I noticed that if I move much, the share of parents house decreases in my experience and share of my house increases, as if the images of house start to get replaced by this one. So I didn’t move much, and was feeling my body here, and sometimes noticing different sensations on it, and at the same time being in a dream, lying down in my bed in my parents house, and there was occasional images happening in that dream and some dialogs. I wanted to call it dreamlet, but I am not comfortable with it because it brings Liferay to my mind, and it was Liferay that introduced portlets first, but I didn’t like it at that time at all, so I didn’t learn it, and anything that has any <>let in it, there is a negative tone to it for me often. Anyway, this playing with wakeful dream continued for 30-40 minutes maybe, and I was keeping it there while being in that dream and feeling my body here and knowing that both the dream and present-room-reality are happening at the same time, but then I got tired and bored and got up, and lied down again to fall in a single-threaded sleep/dream.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 3:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
Yesterday as usual having problem with working, I started asking question myself about the things that I don’t like/want to do, and asking why I don’t like/want to do them, or what is the other thing that I am doing instead of the ones that I should do, that is more likable/pleasant/comfortable/or-what-the-hell-that-is compared to the ones that I don't like/want to do. 
 
marvelous. At the extreme, i have basically taken myself off somewhere and vowed to never again do a single bullshit thing. Leaves quite the empty space in a life, at first. St. Augustine said, "Love, and do whatever the fuck you want." It sounds better in the Latin, of course.
 
Started to work after that, a minutes later I get an urge to go to bed, investigate that urge, work for another few minutes, there is an urge to listen to some interview, ok fuck that urge, I have listened to these idiots enough, another few minutes, let’s go to bed, let’s meditate! Continued this for about an hour,
 
then a colleague called and I had to go out and give some of the devices that I had, so after I came back, there was no energy to do even that thing.
 
perfect illustration: that shit is killing you, sapping you, drowning you, burying you.
 
Instead a deep deep sadness/despair/boredom/aversion, that when I reaches to that level, it turned into a kind of indifference and not caring. Body loses energy and become numb and dull, mind becomes calm, facial muscles are relaxed, and you don’t care about any damn thing. Like a father that has watched his wife and children get drown in the flood, and couldn’t do anything, and no is sitting there, one hand resting on the other hand, and his eyes are locked into the horizon, but his gaze is not sharp, and nothing can move him, he is speechless and motionless.
 
yup. the outcome of living grief drowing in dead bullshit.
 
While going to bed I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during asleep and while waking up. I had done it a few days ago too for one or two nights. In the middle of the night I woke up, lying down in my bed, but in my parent house in the room that I sleep when I am there, and I could see my mother over there, and see the windows and etc. Not very clear, but like most dreams, but I also feel my body here in my bed, and I know that I am really here in my own house, but that other one is happening too, and let’s call it a dream (Actually this was the kind of thought that I had). I noticed that if I move much, the share of parents house decreases in my experience and share of my house increases, as if the images of house start to get replaced by this one.
 
This is how you come into your true heritage: by slowing down and letting it come into you. You are embodying the best of what your parents gave you, in your meditative practice and in your own self-acceptance, which inevitably includes parent-acceptance, in the long run.
 
 
So I didn’t move much, and was feeling my body here, and sometimes noticing different sensations on it, and at the same time being in a dream, lying down in my parents house, and there was occasional images happening in that dream, to dream-like thing, I wanted to call it dreamlet, but I am not comfortable with it because it brings Liferay to my mind, and it was Liferay that introduced portlets first, but I didn’t like it at that time at all, so I didn’t learn it, and anything that has any <>let in it, there is a negative tone to it. Anyway, this playing with wakeful dream continued for 30-40 minutes maybe, and I was keeping it there, but then I got tired and bored and got up, and lied down again to fall in a single-threaded sleep/dream.
 
lol, even the best states get boring! true dat.
 
love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 3:45 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
that shit is killing you, sapping you, drowning you, burying you.
Yes.

even the best states get boring! true dat.
Yes.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 6:26 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 18, 2020, 3:37 PM

I sat for a little less than an hour, practicing this investigation and questioning of my resistance to working and other activities. I started bringing to mind things that I do with no resistance or most of time with no resistance, like drinking tea, or writing a post like this one that although sometimes there is resistance to it, but it’s often subtle, and comparing them with activities like working. After examining different scenarios and images and feelings, I came to this conclusion that probably there is a key different between writing this post and working, and this is about defining success and failure and getting positive or negative feedback. Something like drinking tea or writing log post doesn’t feel like a failure, and a lot of times has a subtle pleasant feeling as a feedback too, but a lot of times working feels/looks like a failure and has negative feeling with it. Why?

It’s the end of month now (with out calendar, Persian/Jalali calendar), other than today there is only two days left of this month, and I have worked only 10 hours so far, so I won’t be able to have enough hours to cover the expenses. As a result of that, in the last days this thought regularly was coming to my mind as a plan, that I should work 8-10 hours in the days left, to at least cover the main expenses, and also to make it look like I haven’t failed terribly. And now several hours after waking up, I know that I can’t possibly work for 10 hours today, and I should accept this reality, but the resistance is that I can’t accept it, it’s a failure. To start to work now, means that I am accepting that I won’t be able to reach that perfect goal that I had in mind, and since I don’t like to accept it, I don’t start, and when I start, immediately I look for other activities to do. Working for 3 hours doesn’t give a positive feedback that I worked for 3 hours, it gives a negative feedback that I couldn’t work for 8-10 hours, and it gives another negative feedback that considering today, tomorrow I won’t be able to work for 8-10 hours too. So today’s 3 hours work, is today’s failure, and if I make it happen and accept it, it means that I should accept tomorrow’s failure (tomorrow’s 3 hours) too, even if I could do that. So I just don’t start in the first place, maybe desperately hoping that this whole setup would change. I return back to the past and start the month differently, or go 10 more years back to start a different kind of life style. I heard someone said something about these situations, which I think probably is true about me here. Meaning that, I can’t accept this reality that 28 days of this month have passed and I have worked only 10 hours, because I can’t forgive myself for these 28 days. Sorry for typos, I can’t go back to read it again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 8:10 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, May 18, 2020, 3:37 PM

I sat for a little less than an hour, practicing this investigation and questioning of my resistance to working and other activities. I started bringing to mind things that I do with no resistance or most of time with no resistance, like drinking tea, or writing a post like this one that although sometimes there is resistance to it, but it’s often subtle, and comparing them with activities like working. After examining different scenarios and images and feelings, I came to this conclusion that probably there is a key different between writing this post and working, and this is about defining success and failure and getting positive or negative feedback. Something like drinking tea or writing log post doesn’t feel like a failure, and a lot of times has a subtle pleasant feeling as a feedback too, but a lot of times working feels/looks like a failure and has negative feeling with it. Why?



maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.

It’s the end of month now (with out calendar, Persian/Jalali calendar), other than today there is only two days left of this month, and I have worked only 10 hours so far, so I won’t be able to have enough hours to cover the expenses. As a result of that, in the last days this thought regularly was coming to my mind as a plan, that I should work 8-10 hours in the days left, to at least cover the main expenses, and also to make it look like I haven’t failed terribly. And now several hours after waking up, I know that I can’t possibly work for 10 hours today, and I should accept this reality, but the resistance is that I can’t accept it, it’s a failure. To start to work now, means that I am accepting that I won’t be able to reach that perfect goal that I had in mind, and since I don’t like to accept it, I don’t start, and when I start, immediately I look for other activities to do. Working for 3 hours doesn’t give a positive feedback that I worked for 3 hours, it gives a negative feedback that I couldn’t work for 8-10 hours, and it gives another negative feedback that considering today, tomorrow I won’t be able to work for 8-10 hours too. So today’s 3 hours work, is today’s failure, and if I make it happen and accept it, it means that I should accept tomorrow’s failure (tomorrow’s 3 hours) too, even if I could do that. So I just don’t start in the first place, maybe desperately hoping that this whole setup would change. I return back to the past and start the month differently, or go 10 more years back to start a different kind of life style. I heard someone said something about these situations, which I think probably is true about me here. Meaning that, I can’t accept this reality that 28 days of this month have passed and I have worked only 10 hours, because I can’t forgive myself for these 28 days. Sorry for typos, I can’t go back to read it again.

ah, my friend. I love you. This just breaks my heart. Let me know if you need a cash infusion, i'll rob a fucking bank or something.

p.s. quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 8:26 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.


All my colleagues are very good, honest and decent people, and they always appreciate my work. Although there was a manager in the other company that our company is working with, and that person always causes immense suffering for themeselves and for our team, because they are a very selfish, arrogant and narcissistic person, and just hates our manager. Today I heard that they have replaced that person with someone that is a good person, and knows their shit well. That can be a good news for many people related to our work.

quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

If you don't have experiences like, you want to do something that can take only an hour, but you haven't been able to do it in days, months, years, then probably these feelings/states are not familiar to you.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 9:02 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, May 19, 2020, 6:18 PM

A few weeks ago I was asleep at night and woke up by my phone ringing, it was an old friend (we are friends for 28 something years), he had called me a minute before that and I had answered without waking up, so he had called again. He said I was worried and just wanted to hear your voice, so we ended the call.

He called again a week or so later, and I didn’t respond, wasn’t in a mood to talk, and later sent him a message that I am fine, I’ll call you later, but I didn’t.

Again he called 3 days ago, and I didn’t respond. I was in a much worse mood. Then he called the next day and again I didn’t respond and sent him a message that I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow. He sent a few messages saying that I was getting a very very intense feeling of missing you suddenly during these weeks, that I become very worried thinking that there is something terribly wrong going on with you. That was how he described it. So I finally called him today, and he said the same thing, that suddenly I start missing you very intensely to a point that I lose myself becoming very worried, so I just wanted to hear your voice and see that you are ok, and the first time I called I didn’t even check the time and just wanted to call. So we talked for half an hour or so, and I guess it was a reassurance for him that I am ok.

But it was kind of strange. Although not strange to me, but maybe for some people, since I have observed many things many times like this, that you feel something is going on with someone without talking to them or without knowing anything about their current situation.

Anyway, there was nothing better than this to share for now. At least writing some words here makes a little difference.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:31 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 5:48 PM

I was expecting that the symptoms of sickness return with high intensity in the last few days, according to the pattern that it had during these weeks, but they haven’t. It can be a sign that it has started to recover, I hope.

For 2-3 days I wasn’t able to eat any food, and there was a mess yesterday morning, that I had to vomit everything that was in my stomach, the the show started even before I could reach the bathroom.

There was another mess at night. A thunder storm started, and some minutes later it started raining as crazy and mad as it could be. Two windows were open in the kitchen and the other room, and I waited only less than a minute to get up and close them, but water was everywhere already, and it took a while to clean it and empty the water.

An hour ago I finally could eat some chicken, and the body lost its energy after that and became very tired. I guess it tries to digest the food. Going to bed, to maybe do a little practice.

Just wrote this to delete the previous one.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:41 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.


All my colleagues are very good, honest and decent people, and they always appreciate my work. Although there was a manager in the other company that our company is working with, and that person always causes immense suffering for themeselves and for our team, because they are a very selfish, arrogant and narcissistic person, and just hates our manager. Today I heard that they have replaced that person with someone that is a good person, and knows their shit well. That can be a good news for many people related to our work.

quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

If you don't have experiences like, you want to do something that can take only an hour, but you haven't been able to do it in days, months, years, then probably these feelings/states are not familiar to you.


Thanks.

forgive me twice, for my presumption, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:42 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tuesday, May 19, 2020, 6:18 PM

A few weeks ago I was asleep at night and woke up by my phone ringing, it was an old friend (we are friends for 28 something years), he had called me a minute before that and I had answered without waking up, so he had called again. He said I was worried and just wanted to hear your voice, so we ended the call.

He called again a week or so later, and I didn’t respond, wasn’t in a mood to talk, and later sent him a message that I am fine, I’ll call you later, but I didn’t.

Again he called 3 days ago, and I didn’t respond. I was in a much worse mood. Then he called the next day and again I didn’t respond and sent him a message that I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow. He sent a few messages saying that I was getting a very very intense feeling of missing you suddenly during these weeks, that I become very worried thinking that there is something terribly wrong going on with you. That was how he described it. So I finally called him today, and he said the same thing, that suddenly I start missing you very intensely to a point that I lose myself becoming very worried, so I just wanted to hear your voice and see that you are ok, and the first time I called I didn’t even check the time and just wanted to call. So we talked for half an hour or so, and I guess it was a reassurance for him that I am ok.

But it was kind of strange. Although not strange to me, but maybe for some people, since I have observed many things many times like this, that you feel something is going on with someone without talking to them or without knowing anything about their current situation.

Anyway, there was nothing better than this to share for now. At least writing some words here makes a little difference.
i hope i'm not that friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:43 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 5:48 PM

I was expecting that the symptoms of sickness return with high intensity in the last few days, according to the pattern that it had during these weeks, but they haven’t. It can be a sign that it has started to recover, I hope.

For 2-3 days I wasn’t able to eat any food, and there was a mess yesterday morning, that I had to vomit everything that was in my stomach, the the show started even before I could reach the bathroom.

There was another mess at night. A thunder storm started, and some minutes later it started raining as crazy and mad as it could be. Two windows were open in the kitchen and the other room, and I waited only less than a minute to get up and close them, but water was everywhere already, and it took a while to clean it and empty the water.

An hour ago I finally could eat some chicken, and the body lost its energy after that and became very tired. I guess it tries to digest the food. Going to bed, to maybe do a little practice.

Just wrote this to delete the previous one.

It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:50 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
i hope i'm not that friend.

No, you are not! He is another friend emoticon !

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:51 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.


What a dream!
That would mean that Kafka was miserable enough!?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 9:21 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.


What a dream!
That would mean that Kafka was miserable enough!?


a Master of Miserable Enough.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 8:45 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 22, 2020, 5:58 PM

Fortunately the symptoms of sickness have not returned, and yesterday and today there were less negative emotions. Body is still weak, and there is lack of energy, and problem with eating, but I have been able to eat some yesterday and today.

I am coming to this conclusion that I need to reframe things related to work and other things that I have resistance for. Currently whenever any thought related to work comes to mind, it feels like a burden, that it’s an unpleasant thing to do that has no positive outcome. I should replace this mentality with this other one, that it’s good that I have a job, that I can work and earn money. It could be the other way, and it would be a lot worse than this. Also I should remind myself how it was in the past, that I used to enjoy working, enjoy coding and solving problems. This reminded me of what one of my friends used to say (Not as a positive thing according to him), that he used to say: “You like solving problems, so you try to turn everything into a problem, solve it, put it aside, and then start looking for another problem!”.

The other thing that is related to this resistance, is that it feels that this situation won’t change. No matter what I do, it won’t be enough, it won’t be good or normal again, since it’s too late, and it’s pointless to try.
It’s obvious that this is not true, and it will change, and any amount of work toward positive is good, but this needs to be reminded again and again and again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 12:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 22, 2020, 10:07 PM

I was sitting there, trying to reframe things! so that I could start to work. But I got tired, and took that reframing to bed with me and turned it into a metta practice, mostly toward myself, and did it for about an hour there. Started feeling a little better, I was forcing a half smile too. 

So got up, and came back to do it again. But each time bringing it to mind feels like not having air to breathe, and the next thing that comes to mind is, let’s go to bed. Then decided to force myself to start, and if I couldn’t do it, I can end it after a few minutes. So started, and worked for two plus hours, just applying similar force again and again.

Then sent the report for this month. No one likes to read such reports and no one likes to write such reports. It was painful.

At least this was just a little good karma, and little relief.

The is my practice now, in case you are wondering how is this related to a practice log.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 6:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, May 23, 2020, 3:15 AM

It seems that there has been a shift in experience today.
I did an hour plus sit, and similar to a number of times in the past, concentration was causing frequent yawning. And at the end there is strong sleepiness now. This sleepiness is not related to sleep. It has been happening periodically for sometime now, and when it arises, for some day there is this strong sleepiness, that body feels like it hasn't slept for a few days.

Also there is a change in the pain that arises in the back as a result of practice. Often it's in a few small points, that is a sharp or strong pain in just those points. Now the intensity of pain is lesser, but it's in a large area in the left side of the back. This has showed up a few times in the last days, but it was only for a few minutes each time, but now it has been there for the last couple of hours.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/23/20 3:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
The is my practice now, in case you are wondering how is this related to a practice log.
It hadn't occurred to me to wonder, but now that you mention it, thank [metaphysical or pragmatic Name inserted, according to tsate, style, and tradition, as well as whimsy and sponatneous verbal kriya.]


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/23/20 5:50 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
[metaphysical or pragmatic Name inserted, according to tsate, style, and tradition, as well as whimsy and sponatneous verbal kriya.]



Curious to know what this was that got replaced!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/24/20 3:43 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, May 24, 2020, 12:48 PM

Yesterday when I woke up I noticed there are aches and pains in the body, and the day before that there was discomfort and itchiness in throat and trachea with occasional coughs, but I was thinking that probably these are the last signs in the process of recovery. But then during the few hours after waking up, all the symptoms returned with high intensity. I was preparing to sit and do some work, but the discomfort raised so much that I couldn’t sit anymore, and I went to bed. Tried to do some practice while in bed, and there was lots of energetic sensations, that then turned into strong pain in the lower back and base of spine.

Fell asleep, and was there in bed for 10-15 hours maybe, and there was a lot of dreams, some of them of a kind that I hadn’t for a while, that I jump from a high place and stay in the air for sometime but land safely, or I come down from a high wall very easily like it’s horizontal and I walk down.

During some of the dreams I think I had some awareness going on, or maybe there was some lucidity, since I was waking up but couldn’t get up and that happened a number of times. After I got up, the intensity of pain and other symptoms was the same, but I started feeling better about it. Because this fact that all the symptoms were gone, and then they all came back together, make me almost certain that this sickness is covid (Yeah, I decided to be less skeptical about that), and that feels better than not knowing what it is, since it’s not a normal flu like all the other times before this pandemic.

These last few hours body feels better than morning, so I was able to do some cleaning in the fridge. There was a lot of foods there that I had not been able to eat them while there were still alive, and I had kept them in the fridge to not have them stink. That gives a little relief.

While writing the previous post and before that, there was itching in the palm of left hand. In our culture in Azerbaijan, some people say that if you have itching in your left palm, that means you’ll get money from somewhere. I have observed this many times, and often it has been true for me. So while writing that post, I wanted to mention it, then I thought that most people will take that as nonsense, so I didn’t, and I wasn’t expecting any money from anywhere, but last night after having that itch for the last time, I had a text message from the bank of a money transfer, and the itch was gone after that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 9:17 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 29, 2020, 2:38 AM

/ **
مدتی این مثنوی تاخیر شد
مهلتی بایست تا خون شیر شد

This Mathnawí has been delayed for a while: an interval was needed in order that the blood might turn to milk.

Rumi, Book 2 of Mathnawi, translation by R.A. Nicholson
*/

I have decided to go back to office from Saturday. The country is open, and I have problem working from home, so there is no reason to not go to the office. Although other team members don’t want to come to the office still, but there is another team there, so at least I won’t be alone there all the time.

After this last time that sickness returned 4-5 days ago, it hasn’t returned again. It was intense for two days, but then body started feeling better, and these last two days my energy level is close to normal, despite not eating enough food.

Although I haven’t practiced much these few days, but I notice activity in the mental visual space, that is different from before. It’s not something new and I had it a number of times before. That when practicing, specially if concentration gets a little better, I notice a lot of visual activity in mind, but without seeing any mental image. What Shinzen calls undercurrent activity in mind. It’s like many many images just flash very quickly and pass away, and it’s so fast that you don’t notice the image itself. Like there are tens of images appearing and disappearing in a second, and the overall tone of it is that these are creepy scary images. Sometimes a single image stays a little longer, and I notice some vague face or something there, that are generally creepy/scary. For instance one that I remembered was a big guy that was sitting on a stair, his arms on his knees, seemed that is thinking about something and is lost in that thought, and his face was a mix of a brown bear and a big cat, probably a lion, but most of his face was nose and mouth.

Today a few hours after I woke up, I remembered that I had a dream about Hokai, and we were talking, but I don’t remember the content. And when waking up, I had a dream that snow was falling with wind, and Stephanie Nash was there talking about the snow, then I noticed that Chris said something about the snow too, but I wasn’t seeing him, but I was seeing Steph very clearly before that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 7:00 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Today a few hours after I woke up, I remembered that I had a dream about Hokai, and we were talking, but I don’t remember the content. And when waking up, I had a dream that snow was falling with wind, and Stephanie Nash was there talking about the snow, then I noticed that Chris said something about the snow too, but I wasn’t seeing him, but I was seeing Steph very clearly before that.

Hey Siavash! It sounds like you have an active dream-life; I remember a majority of my dreams and interestingly I cannot tell if a few of my childhood memories are actually just dreams I had years ago.

I'm wondering whether you put any stock in them...  dreams can be symbolic and really meaningful. I've even experienced certain emotions in dreams that I just haven't had in real, waking life. 

That being said, I also notice that when I think of something often enough, the dreams start integrating those themes over time. For instance, after a break up last year, I have dreams a few times a week where my ex is an important character. I've had dreams about crushes. I've had dreams about my education (classic "I forgot to do any work for this college course and the final exam is today") because I used to be so stressed at university.

Lastly, I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum). Some of these dreams include actual meditation, or instruction, or friendship, or demonic themes, or understandings about life in general.

The thing is, I've always chalked it up to the fact that this stuff is on my mind on a daily basis and this is just another way for the mind to integrate that information. What's your take on it? 

Glad to hear that you're slowly feeling better and healing up!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 7:53 PM as a reply to Hibiscus Kid.
Hey Hibiscus Kid,
Thank you so much for your kind words.

About dreams, yeah they are an important part of my life, they have always been. I think there are different kinds of them, in terms of their importance or sense of having meaning etc, I haven't thought much about categorizing them though. But I've had enough of dreams to think that there are dreams that have signs about what will happen in near future, or what recently has happened that I don't know about it consciously. This last few weeks I had several of them, very clearly telling things about what was going on with my family that I didn't know about and learned later. Some of the dreams were after those events, some were before those events, in terms of the time on the clock/calendar. And this is the way it has always been. I have clear memories of dreams in childhood telling things about what happened the day after them. We can say this is delusion, but then we should think seriously about many other things that we don't label with delusion. I often don't make decisions based on the dreams, but if I have to make some decision and I have negative dreams about that, then often I wait for sometime to have more time to think about it before making that decision.

I have that experience too, that sometimes I am not sure a certain memory was about a dream or something that happened outside dreams.

What I really think, is that we almost don't know anything about dream world in general. Those who have observed and investigated it for a long time, probably know a little more. And in terms of meaning, except maybe for dreams that are forced by the conditions of body, like you have to pee and you see dreams of looking for a bathroom in a crowded place somewhere, I think most of our dreams have much more meaning embeded in them than our waking life, and have more emotional quality. The things that we are afraid to face, we face them in manageable doses in dreams.

About dreams being something just in our minds, ok, but then what is mind? Is the external reality that we perceive is something completely external to our minds? My answer is, I don't know, but I take the dream world seriously.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 11:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 29, 2020, 8:27 PM

This last day I couldn’t do much practice while sitting, so when I went to bed in the morning, I decided to stay awake as long as I can and practice there, and started focusing on my lips touching each other. As a result, for a big portion of the time I was in bed, I was awake, or that I was asleep but had awareness of my body and dreams. There was a lot of dreams, and I remembered some of them clearly. Some of them were seen as first person, but some as third person, the ones that I was aware of being in bed and dreaming and also practicing. But at those times, when I was trying to clarify it in my mind that I am dreaming and I am aware of it, then the dreams would start to turn into normal thoughts in mind. A few times I noticed some shift in how I was perceiving the meditation object, my face and lips, but I don’t know if that was related to the shift from wakefulness to sleep or not.

After waking up, it seems that the energy level is higher than normal. It’s like the times that I am working on a complex design issue at work, and I don’t have any solutions for it, but then a flood of ideas comes, and the energy increases and I start to act, walk,  think, type in a fast and precise way and try to turn the mix of that energy and those ideas into something useful. So there is a strong urge to do something, but not any specific thing.

I have started reading Michael Taft’s book today. Will be prepared to go to office tomorrow, and definitely it feels like a new start.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:31 PM as a reply to Hibiscus Kid.
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:39 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

I have Chris pop out only during my meditations thankfully (I see his scary avatar), and in such instance I follow the good old Zen proverb "If you meet Chris on the road, kill him" emoticon 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:40 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:41 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

I have Chris pop out only during my meditations thankfully (I see his scary avatar), and in such instance I follow the good old Zen proverb "If you meet Chris on the road, kill him" emoticon 



emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:57 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 3:01 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


Well then, you must be at least qualified to be gored by a cow protecting her calf emoticon 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:41 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

No problem here, kids. One good script, here, and badda-bing, badda-boom. Everyone involved so far gets a point of the gross, except Chris, whose real-life killing on the road by a rabid cult member is the scandalous True Story on which the whole shebang is based. He died for our sins, despite trying to be a fucking arhant and not a fucking messiah. but jesus wanted to be a fucking prophet. and, well, oops. you can't always get what you want, chris. I'll see that your wife gets your share.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:44 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


Well then, you must be at least qualified to be gored by a cow protecting her calf emoticon 


Don't be modest, Chris. You are eminently qualified to be killed on the road. We'll have it done as a drive-by, to save on costs. Your wife, uh, widow, gets a point of the gross on the movie and paperback, and all foreign rights.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

Shrwoush, don't worry about the monetization, you're the talent. Just take care of your pretty little self and don't get caught with your pants down.

Obviously, this entire riot crew shares in my regret for storming in here and trashing your somber, sober, sane practice thread. It is unfortunate, in these difficult times, that such vandal crews roam our forums, raising havoc as they will. I vow, as the moderator to succeed the late lamented Christ Marti, tragically killed in the road by a devout, somewhat literalist zen monk, that i will do everything i can to not get killed in the road.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 2:11 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Shrwoush, don't worry about the monetization, you're the talent. Just take care of your pretty little self and don't get caught with your pants down.

Obviously, this entire riot crew shares in my regret for storming in here and trashing your somber, sober, sane practice thread. It is unfortunate, in these difficult times, that such vandal crews roam our forums, raising havoc as they will. I vow, as the moderator to succeed the late lamented Christ Marti, tragically killed in the road by a devout, somewhat literalist zen monk, that i will do everything i can to not get killed in the road.


Hey, do what ever you wish!
We appreciate storms around here emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 2:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Shroush, i thought you probably did.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 6:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
package com.life.practice;

/**
 * Class NewStart
 * @author Yeah
 * Created on Saturday, May 30, 2020, 3:43 PM
 */

public class NewStart {

    public static void main(String[] args) {
        System.out.println("\nHello World Again! emoticon\n");
    }
}

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 11:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020, 8:20 PM

I read this report about this woman that is struggling with covid for 90+ days, and still tests positive. Her sickness pattern looks similar to mine, and probably I "belong to the club" too, and it may not go away in the near future.

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/The-curious-case-of-the-SF-doctor-who-s-been-15304660.php#photo-19472611

After this last time that I started feeling much better than before and started going to office since Saturday, it came back again more than 2 days ago. First day it was mild, but yesterday and today there was so much pain in the body, and some dry coughs last two days with some other milder symptoms. And an unbroken headaches for two days. Although it feels better in this last hours.

But I did go to office last 3 days and did some work. Today I was home because we had a meeting with colleagues (for 4 hours) that I didn't want to have it in the office.
Probably because I've started working, emotionally it feels much better and my energy level is good. Since I was home for 3 months, this 3 days of going to work which involves more than an hour of walking while having my laptop and other things with me and standing in crowded buses, has made the body quite tired. Tomorrow is holiday and then weekends, but next week I'll have a busy week probably, to go to the bank to fix some bugs in the servers.

When you work again, you feel alive again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 12:15 PM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Hang in there, my friend. Stop and smell the roses through your face mask. Let the healing things heal, while the wreckers wreck. You've got this.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 12:57 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim,

Stop and smell the roses through your face mask.

Yeah, I always do.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 5:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I used to listen to this for hours and just sway back and forth and right and left.

I remembered it today. It was a gift from divine to my hell.

It's one of the best poems of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi, and they've done a great job on the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y36g1R41fM

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 10:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020, 7:21 PM

About 6 months ago I started to have neck problem, that had pain and would cause numbness in my head and face. It started using a neck support brace, and it went one for about a week, but then got better and I stopped using it. Also I became skeptical about the cause of the problem, was it a health problem, or related to anxiety or this Kundalini energy in the base of spine.

After I started working last week, things were going fine. A water leakage problem showed up in the shower, that I was worried to have it since I had a dream about it two days before that, and that created some anxiety, but I fixed it. Then did fire kasina for two three days. Then this neck problem showed up again.

Started using neck support again. I was often ok when I was sitting, and it was ok after falling asleep and during period of waking up in the middle of sleep, but when I wanted to go to bed, it was coming back, and any little movement was causing numbness in some part of the body. It went on like this a a few days since about a week ago, then I noticed that when I get relaxed or when I use a half a pill Alprazolam because of its anxiety, all numbnesses go away. I began to conclude that it’s not much related to health, and again my mind is presenting me with a seemingly serious health issue. It seems that a force inside me tries to kill me, or tries to show me how it is to die or get destroyed.

Saturday we went to bank to work on some problems there, and I had a very productive day, and I led two other colleagues to fix a problem in 5-6 hours that we had estimated to work on it for 3-4 days. But there was so much negative emotions, some maybe related to this neck issue, that at some points I was gasping for air. That negativity has continued since then, and has caused problem with working.

Last few days I was forced to practice more, because there are discomforts seemingly related to this neck issue, and when I practice their intensity decrease. Those beautiful bright violet/purple colors have showed up in visual field since yesterday, and they arise often with eyes open or closed. I’ve started to do some serious changes in some other negative habits that I have, that are destructive. Reading Michael Taft’s book, The Mindful Geek, it’s very easy to read and follow.

Fortunately the symptoms of sickness have not returned for about a week, except some mild ones and discomfort in the throat. But the numbers of sick people has increased recently. 7 people on my family and my sister’s family are sick currently, fortunately it’s not so intense for them.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 1:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
I used to listen to this for hours and just sway back and forth and right and left.

I remembered it today. It was a gift from divine to my hell.

It's one of the best poems of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi, and they've done a great job on the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y36g1R41fM

ahhh, i love this, and am swaying back and forth. Do you know the text? any chance of me getting lyrics. (I posted it in the writing workshop, lol. Get them all swaying back and forth!)

love, from my hell to yours, and to the divine, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 2:09 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
I used to listen to this for hours and just sway back and forth and right and left.

I remembered it today. It was a gift from divine to my hell.

It's one of the best poems of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi, and they've done a great job on the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y36g1R41fM

ahhh, i love this, and am swaying back and forth. Do you know the text? any chance of me getting lyrics. (I posted it in the writing workshop, lol. Get them all swaying back and forth!)

love, from my hell to yours, and to the divine, tim


emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 2:57 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Have you ever considered that your health problems and pain may be a way for your subconsciousness to tell you what issues you need to deal with in your practice? I tend to have what I call spiritosomatic pain. Surprisingly many times it has turned out that some pain that seemed so very physical disappeared totally as soon as I had an insight related to the chakra where the pain was. Neck pain would be the throat chakra which deals with speech: being able to communicate freely and giving a voice to what needs to be said on the one hand and not being too invested in expressing self on the other hand. The situations you mention seem like they could actualize such issues. Think about it, and try it out if it makes sense, or ignore it if it doesn't. Best wishes!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 3:37 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Have you ever considered that your health problems and pain may be a way for your subconsciousness to tell you what issues you need to deal with in your practice? I tend to have what I call spiritosomatic pain. Surprisingly many times it has turned out that some pain that seemed so very physical disappeared totally as soon as I had an insight related to the chakra where the pain was. Neck pain would be the throat chakra which deals with speech: being able to communicate freely and giving a voice to what needs to be said on the one hand and not being too invested in expressing self on the other hand. The situations you mention seem like they could actualize such issues. Think about it, and try it out if it makes sense, or ignore it if it doesn't. Best wishes!


Thanks Linda, great point.
I had thought about this before, but never took it seriously. You are right, I should take it seriously.
I should have problem around throat chakra. When energetic sensations increase, I feel sensations in my throat like I am being strangled with a rope. And I had problem with speech since childhood. And I thinkg there are similar problems around all other chakras too.
Thanks for the advice.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/10/20 6:32 AM as a reply to Siavash.
If that's the case, I would indeed take it seriously. The way I see it, the chakras are sort of a symbolic language. It sounds like your subconscious is screaming for you to deal with those issues. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/10/20 6:59 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I would indeed take it seriously. The way I see it, the chakras are sort of a symbolic language. It sounds like your subconscious is screaming for you to deal with those issues. 


Any suggestion?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 6:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 3:05 AM

These 10 days, since previous report, I was using the body as the object mostly. The issues that I had that thought are related to my neck, continued for a few more days. Although there wasn’t much numbness like it was in the beginning, but I would get pain in my arms and legs, specially around knees and elbows, and my legs. arms, feet and hands would feel cold and weaker. But sa I observed it, it became clearer that there should not be a health issue, at least not a serious one. I had noticed it before, that during this cycling, whatever that is, sometimes my feet and hands feel cold and less strong. And these weeks, the anxiety and other emotions had made it look like a problem. Also part of it seems to be related to the kundalini energy.

For most of this 10 days, I’ve been practicing more than my usual, maybe 3-8 hours a day most days, and I practiced on chakras, and energy channels, and also the sensations that seemed to be related to this energy. Some painful, some itchy, some tingly, occasionally some pleasant.

I finally applied for a new (smart!) ID card, and then yesterday was able to renew one of my bank cards that I wanted to renew, and that was a huge relief. There was another positive event yesterday, that brought some joy. And after quite a while, yesterday I felt joyful.

After a week of focusing on the body and chakras, I was expecting to see some change related to the energetic sensations. I don’t mean a positive change, but at least an obvious change. But most of the sensations were similar to before, same pains same itches, etc. Two days ago I started doing some Chi Kung movements using youtube videos of a guy that was mentioned in Chris’ journal. In the past I had interest in martial arts, specially Chinese ones that use circular movements, and I had practiced it for a little while. So I like it and find it beautiful. After I moved the body a little bit, I noticed some new sensations related to this energy. New kinds of pains, new locations for pains, and more tingles and pins and needles. I’ll continue doing it, and see what happens. Actually I started doing it first around 3 months ago, and did it for 10 days maybe, but then that sickness changed things.

About sickness, I had not any symptoms for more than two weeks maybe. Except two days ago I started having discomfort in my throat and trachea, and then had fatigue and body aches for about a day, but they are gone now mostly.

Tonight after I woke up, there was a deep tranquility and equanimity. The kind that I have occasionally, that I can sit for hours not doing anything. And posture feels good and stable and solid. Whatever.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 7:24 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 4:49 AM

This happened another times two days ago, that intention about sleep changed the way I experience it in an obvious way. I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during sleep and dreams and while waking up, and then I was in bed for 3-5 hours maybe, and I had a lot of dreams in that period, then I had this thought that, why am I not falling asleep!? Then I remembered this intention that I had to stay aware. I think I had fallen asleep, but there was also some awareness going on. The main thing about that awareness was that I was thinking that I had not fallen asleep, and probably I had some awareness of body too, but I don't remember clearly. But after that thought and reviewing that intetion, I fell asleep and didn't have any awareness that I could know.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 10:08 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 7:25 AM

Just recording to not forget, to use later maybe for pattern recognitions.

More than a year ago for a period of several weeks or months maybe, I was feeling smell of burning a lot of times. There was different flavors of that smell, but most often it was not exactly like burning, mostly the smell that you get from electronics when you open the stomack of a computer case. But then it went away. During the last week, again I sometimes feel that smell but it happens much less frequently.

Also it happened a few times these days that while practicing, I started feeling smell of 
sewage, and a few times I had smell of a very nice perfume after that.

I had another one that I guess is new, and it happened two or three times, that when concentration was getting better, I was having the feeling and smell of dust, as if there are a lot of dust in the air that has strong smell and makes it hard to breathe, but they were short, and only lasted maybe 10-20 seconds.

Since 3 days ago I guess, I had a strong feeling of nausea most of the time, that was making it hard to eat food, it has gone away mostly but still I have it. I think this too is related to the practice/cycling/kundalini or whatever that is.

Also it happens more frequently these days, during the practice, there are shifts and wiggles in the visual field, that seems that in just a moment the whole visual field moved/turned and then returned back to its position. Sometimes, less often, there is a similar feeling that the ground has been ripped away, and I just start to float but then return back to normal. It all happens in a moment so there is no sensible feeling of floating.

Fatigue, aches and pains and low energy is back in the last few hours, although the pain are mild. And there are more vibrations, pulsing and subtle throbbings since starting that chi gong movements.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 10:36 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 7:49 AM

I have started to think that a lot of the things that I (and others) have attribued to health or other things in my body, are likely to be related to kundalini energy.
One of the symtoms of this thing that I thought is a neck problem, was that I get pain in my earlobes, and it was strange how it could be related to neck, but it was happening along with numbness and etc, so I had a question mark in front of that. I remembered now that I have this pain for a long time, except that it has occured less often in recent years, and I would think that probably it's because of using my glasses all the time, that the point of touch between glasses and earlobes becomes uncomfortable. But this last week I noticed that it comes and goes related to the energy activation, not glasses, and not a neck problem.

Also the pain that I've had in my back, one in the base of spine and the other in the middle of the spine, seems to be related to this energy. I've had it for 15-20 years. I sometimes have itches on the tale bone, which I think I've had it maybe from my 20' or maybe from childhood, I don't remember, but that one is obviously related to this energy, and I get it a lot after starting meditation practice.

-- Edit:
Oh, I forgot it again. Yesterday before sleep I was practicing and was focused on the sensations of relaxation in my hands. I had become sleepy, and at some point I noticed that my perception of that sensations has changed. Maybe this was the first time that I had this feeling/perception, but I was thinking/feeling clearly that my finger is one thing, and this sensation of relaxaion/tingling is another thing around it, separate from it, like a halo around a flame that looks different and separate from the flame. It was both strange and very obvious.

It happened a few times while writing these posts that it felt like the visual field, or this laptop in front of me, moved or changed it position and gave this impression that I have to adjust it/myself again. Just a moment though.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/19/20 4:48 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, June 19, 2020, 7:49 AM

I have started to think that a lot of the things that I (and others) have attribued to health or other things in my body, are likely to be related to kundalini energy.
One of the symtoms of this thing that I thought is a neck problem, was that I get pain in my earlobes, and it was strange how it could be related to neck, but it was happening along with numbness and etc, so I had a question mark in front of that. I remembered now that I have this pain for a long time, except that it has occured less often in recent years, and I would think that probably it's because of using my glasses all the time, that the point of touch between glasses and earlobes becomes uncomfortable. But this last week I noticed that it comes and goes related to the energy activation, not glasses, and not a neck problem.

Also the pain that I've had in my back, one in the base of spine and the other in the middle of the spine, seems to be related to this energy. I've had it for 15-20 years. I sometimes have itches on the tale bone, which I think I've had it maybe from my 20' or maybe from childhood, I don't remember, but that one is obviously related to this energy, and I get it a lot after starting meditation practice.

-- Edit:
Oh, I forgot it again. Yesterday before sleep I was practicing and was focused on the sensations of relaxation in my hands. I had become sleepy, and at some point I noticed that my perception of that sensations has changed. Maybe this was the first time that I had this feeling/perception, but I was thinking/feeling clearly that my finger is one thing, and this sensation of relaxaion/tingling is another thing around it, separate from it, like a halo around a flame that looks different and separate from the flame. It was both strange and very obvious.

It happened a few times while writing these posts that it felt like the visual field, or this laptop in front of me, moved or changed it position and gave this impression that I have to adjust it/myself again. Just a moment though.


This is way over my head, my friend. I will give Linda, who is the best kundalini person i know enough to ask, to give this a look. and we'll just pray for help with this. This forum has got a state of the art crew, and hopefully someone will find their way here. yes?

love, tim

p.s. i can tell you to hang in there and tough it out, lol. and that i love you.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/19/20 3:47 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
p.s. i can tell you to hang in there and tough it out, lol. and that i love you.


Thanks Tim. That's all one needs to hear.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/24/20 5:20 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, June 25, 2020, 2:23 AM

I’ve continued with focusing on the body and sometimes other modalities for the last days. The painful sensations related to Kundalini energy are there. Some new kinds of pain have showed up, and some new locations for pains, some very strong. For instance I started to have a strong pain in the abdomen, a little below and left to the belly button, one inch inside, that I’ve never had it before, and sometimes it gets pretty strong. But so far I don’t have any problem with physicals pains. I welcome them whenever they want to arise. Often they increase when I relax the body and focus on relaxation, that some hard and some sharp pains start to jump around in the body. Often it feels like my bones are getting crushed under a heavy pressure. Some of them feel like a stab with a knife or a hot knife.

I’ve been quite skeptical about cycling before, at least in my own experience, but as I observe more and more, I notice that there are cyclings in different levels/layers that are always(?) going on. Some experiences repeat in a larger time scale, once in months for instance, and some once in weeks or days, and some repeat several times in a day.

Two nights ago, I noticed that for a few hours, aversion and disgust was prominent in my experience, and also there was an strong urge to get results out of practice. Then there was anxiety and restlessness for some hours. There was also spaciousness sometimes. But for most part, there wasn’t much energetic sensations. Then last night suddenly energy increased, and just 1-2 seconds of focusing on something was causing intense buzzy vibrations in head and bright lights and energetic sensations in the back and hips. But they subsided after an hour or two.

Last night there was a mix of intense unpleasant emotions. Very unpleasant. Then I tried to sleep, and I had a dream that I had an unusual fight with my father, but just at the point that the fight was getting worse, I woke up, and immediately, maybe after a second, I started sending metta to my father, and it changed the experience. The upset and angry images of my father that was in my mind at that point, got replaced by happy images of him, that he was content and was smiling. I call my parents house everyday, and when I called tonight, my mother said that, today when I went to living room, I saw that your father is crying, and I asked why are you crying? He said, why siavash doesn’t come here, he must have a problem that you are hiding from me.. . It’s 11 months now that I haven’t been there. I wanted to go there in March, but this pandemic changed it. So I tried to give them some reassurance that it was all because of pandemic, and I’ll be there in a few weeks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/25/20 6:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Thursday, June 25, 2020, 2:23 AM

I’ve continued with focusing on the body and sometimes other modalities for the last days. The painful sensations related to Kundalini energy are there. Some new kinds of pain have showed up, and some new locations for pains, some very strong. For instance I started to have a strong pain in the abdomen, a little below and left to the belly button, one inch inside, that I’ve never had it before, and sometimes it gets pretty strong. But so far I don’t have any problem with physicals pains. I welcome them whenever they want to arise. Often they increase when I relax the body and focus on relaxation, that some hard and some sharp pains start to jump around in the body. Often it feels like my bones are getting crushed under a heavy pressure. Some of them feel like a stab with a knife or a hot knife.

I’ve been quite skeptical about cycling before, at least in my own experience, but as I observe more and more, I notice that there are cyclings in different levels/layers that are always(?) going on. Some experiences repeat in a larger time scale, once in months for instance, and some once in weeks or days, and some repeat several times in a day.

Two nights ago, I noticed that for a few hours, aversion and disgust was prominent in my experience, and also there was an strong urge to get results out of practice. Then there was anxiety and restlessness for some hours. There was also spaciousness sometimes. But for most part, there wasn’t much energetic sensations. Then last night suddenly energy increased, and just 1-2 seconds of focusing on something was causing intense buzzy vibrations in head and bright lights and energetic sensations in the back and hips. But they subsided after an hour or two.

Last night there was a mix of intense unpleasant emotions. Very unpleasant. Then I tried to sleep, and I had a dream that I had an unusual fight with my father, but just at the point that the fight was getting worse, I woke up, and immediately, maybe after a second, I started sending metta to my father, and it changed the experience. The upset and angry images of my father that was in my mind at that point, got replaced by happy images of him, that he was content and was smiling. I call my parents house everyday, and when I called tonight, my mother said that, today when I went to living room, I saw that your father is crying, and I asked why are you crying? He said, why siavash doesn’t come here, he must have a problem that you are hiding from me.. . It’s 11 months now that I haven’t been there. I wanted to go there in March, but this pandemic changed it. So I tried to give them some reassurance that it was all because of pandemic, and I’ll be there in a few weeks.

Srouwb, how far away are they? go, man. fuck this plague.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/25/20 12:44 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
400-450 miles maybe. I usually go with train, which takes around 11 hours. And since I can't sleep there, it costs me two days.

But yeah, I'll do in a few weeks.
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/25/20 3:47 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 26, 2020, 12:59 AM

These last two days, or maybe three days, but mostly last night and tonight, there is a strong restlessness, mostly looks mental but it manifests physically also, that feels like there is a deep dissatisfaction inside, that there is something wrong, and there is a strong craving for craving or for pleasure or for satisfaction. My mind looks for activities that could bring satisfaction, but none could. I don’t know if this is related to practice and states/stages, or just pure unpleasant emotions because I have trouble working, or a mix of both. Probably both have some share.

Earlier tonight I was angry/impatient, and I had to remove a few comments that I wrote on social media because their tone was harsh, then for about an hour maybe the anger/aversion/impatience subsided, but has returned again. I had periods in the past, a few years during high school, and some years in my 20’s that I used to be angry, but these days it doesn’t happen often. But when it happens, my language becomes pretty harsh and unpleasant for others. I need to handle it better, but also some part of me says, let it out, let it be harsh.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/26/20 12:20 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 26, 2020, 9:40 AM

For this past 6-7 years maybe, breathing always has some problem for me, because it feels that there are some knots and tension in the abdomen, always. That when exhaling, the air never empties out completely, and all out-breaths end with a muscle contraction in the abdomen, and some air stay inside. Which is unpleasant. Practice has not cured it. It was worse before, and practice has made it a little smoother, but not much.

That thing that I mentioned before, this zap in the jaw, that the jaw suddently closes, and causes fear of biting/cutting my tongue, often happen a few times a day maximum, when I am sleepy or falling asleep. A few hours ago it happened a few times in less than an hour, and made me worried. So I decided I need to deal with it. While reclining, for about 80-90 minutes I focused on the jaw, face, mouth, and throat, mostly. It hasn't happened again since then. But what I noticed while doing this, was that there was less tension in the abdomen, and I noticed that I breathe much easily and out-breaths go almost to the end without much interrupt/contraction. It was a surprise. Still there is tension in the abdomen, but it feels like I am breathing easily. I am guessing that a lot of these pains that I have related to energy, and also the difficulty having joy to enter jhanas, are because of this tension in the breathing. When I get relaxed and concentrated, breath cycle becomes quite long, but it ends with a contraction, and that contraction ruins the whole setup.

A lot of times there are other unpleasant sensations in the throat and breathing pathways that gives the feeling of not having enough air, so the tast for now is to focus on the path from mouth to lower abdomen!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/28/20 6:58 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, June 28, 2020, 3:57 PM

After that 3-4 days that I went to office, that numbnesses arose that I thought is related to neck and spine, and that started another round of intense negative emotions. I couldn’t work for around a week or so after that, but then I could gather myself, and decided that I should solve this issue of not being able to work from home, so I worked for 3-4 days from home, but then again, then of the month came, and the issues related to the end of month and financial issues and sending report of the month and etc. That caused another round of these emotions, that were much more unpleasant this time. After several days, that I was literally wanting to hide most of the time, and was looking for a safe place to hide. Only options was my bed, but that wasn’t safe enough. I was sleeping a lot longer than usual. Then a little openness arose, and I decided that I should limit the work for the office, and try to do it properly so that I don’t worry about the work while I am home. So since yesterday I am coming to office again, and it feels much much better these two days.

Yesterday before going to office, I opened a youtube video that the guy was playing these “Tibetan singing bowls” (Although they say they are not Tibetan), for working with chakras, and I practiced with it for more than an hour, focusing on the sound and body and visual field. That causes some stronger energetic activation, and since then until late evening, there was a lot of energetic sensations in the body. When energy arises in this form, that I get an itch inside my nose, some energetic sensations around the base of spine, eyes closing tightly, buzzy vibrations in head, and bright sparky lights in the vision, which we could say that it’s A&P, mostly it last several seconds and then pass. Which I think could be related to finer scales of cycling, for instance it happens a number of times in an hour long sit. But sometimes, it lasts longer, a few minutes. Sometimes for a longer period, half an hour maybe, these energy rises happen frequently, probably 1-10 times in a minutes, which is related to a bigger scale cycle maybe. But some other times, energy is active for a much longer period, several hours, or a day or several days. Like the one yesterday, that was around half a day, that even while working or walking in the street, I was getting these energy rises that my head was vibrating, and this itching was arising inside nose, plus this feeling and sense of release in my nose and face, along with bright lights and so on. I guess this one is related to a much bigger scale cycling, that its duration is weeks or months probably. Just speculation.

Shargrol had suggested before (in the previous log), to have an intention to see and understand the causes and conditions of confusion and unhelpful suffering. This was in my mind these few days. Also today Daniel’s suggestion to Steph came to my mind, about investigating good old suffering. Also Leigh Brasington’s teachings about noticing vedana came to mind. All of this led me to compare my mind state and emotional state this morning, that was calm and equanimous, with what was last few weeks, full of despair and sadness and restlessness. I asked myself, what is the difference here between this and that. What is different now. I noticed that in this calm state, I am more present with this moment, and there is a being in the center, or zero point, instead of leaning toward this side or that side. And there is a contentment. By this side and that side, I mean wanting and not wanting. I noticed that, in those more unpleasant situations emotionally, open there is two things together. One is these sensations in my face, that are contractions mostly. The other is wanting the current situation to change, or wanting an imagined situation to manifest. And it seems that in the calmer state, attention/awareness is closer, or it’s here, but in the restless situations, attention/awareness is often farther from here, meaning that if often tends to go there, go somewhere else, by there and somewhere else, I mean the craving/aversion, the wanting/not-wanting of a situation or experience, a liking and disliking.

Today I started the day while I was calm and relaxed, then after these notices, I noticed that the calmness is subsiding, and restlessness is arising. It was helpful to notice, that each subtle leaning toward a liking or disliking, immediately changes the mind state from calmness to restlessness. I talked just too much. Enough. Unedited.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/29/20 4:25 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 30, 2020, 1:42 AM

What I’ve been doing since yesterday:

Relaxing the body frequently. Using Plum Village’ Chrome extension to remind me to relax the body once in 30 minutes.

Paying attention to the cause of unpleasant mins states and emotions, the way I described it before. What is it that keeps me away from the center. Trying to relax that wanting or not wanting and be relaxed about it.

Having whole body space awareness.

Trying to balance effort. It seems that often I am doing just too much. I already have whole body awareness most of the time, and when I stop trying to be more mindful, and not do much, things seems to start moving.

Gained a little more confidence. I used to have a very high confidence, almost unreasonably high confidence in the past, but I’e lost in the last ~10~ years.

Seemingly quicker shifts in experience, most noticeable in visuals in the energy level. A lot a beautiful bright violet colors, with bright white/yellow and black colors mixed with it, that suddenly arise, and melt and morph and expand and contract in a beautiful way, and get more intense, and then goes away.

Had a dream, that two of the people close to me, who have difficulty in their relationship, were talking, and one was sating to the other, that “you’ll get into trouble because of your behavior, one day while you are taking shower, I’ll come and kill you”. Actually that’s something that sometimes I get worried about.

Listening to Rob Burbea’s jhana retreat. I liked it. Practicing with it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/1/20 3:18 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, July 1, 2020, 11:38 AM

Since yesterday, or maybe a day before that, I am tightening my jaw often, both while awake and asleep. This is one of the things that repeats, part of those patterns of cycling. A lot of time when I notice it, I try to relax, but it takes a little while to be able to relax. Specially in the process of waking up if I notice it, sometimes I literally can’t relax it, until I wake up fully and after about 5-10 seconds be able to let go of it.

Last night while practicing, a number of times I made an intention to have a star in the visual field, similar to what one of retreatants in one of fire kasina retreats said, probably Kristofer in Bryngarth one, that you just repeats the intention over and over. But nothing showed up.

Each night before sleep I repeat some metta phrases. Last night before going to bed, and before the usual ones, I did a longer one towards those two close people the I mentioned before, And every good thing that came to the mind, I throw it at them for maybe 5-10 minutes. I liked it myself too. Often these metta phrases doesn’t create any obvious feeling.

Some nights I make the intention to stay aware while falling asleep and during asleep. Last night I modified it a little bit, and said that, while getting the rest that I need, I stay aware… .

Then there was the dreams.
I fell asleep pretty quickly, unlike most nights, although I have sleep deprivation for 4-5 days now. In the dream, I was in a dark room practicing in bed, focusing on the murk, then the murk became bigger, almost size of the room, and 3D star-like colored shapes started falling down from the above, it was like snow of these shapes. Then they increased and everywhere was full of these shapes, falling down, different colors, bright and shiny. I noticed that they are staying on the ground when they reach down, and they were like made of colored construction papers. Most of them had irregular shapes, but similar to a star. I tried to collect them. I noticed that I want more of them, and I want that experience to stay, and there was grasping, and I became worried that what if they disappear. Then I tried to relax that grasping, and instead enjoy it, but that was the end of it.

Another dream, those two close people were there, but it was peaceful. People were waiting for a bigger earthquake after a few smaller ones, but I wasn’t worried and was trying to sleep.

I woke up after about 90 minutes. But I was surprised when I check the clock, because I was feeling that I have slept a lot longer, 5-6 hours or more. I don't know the change in that intention had any effect on this or not.

These few days I am trying to reduce my screen distraction. Often I check certain websites and inboxes and app obsessively, and the context switch between that and other activities burn a lot of energy and time. It’s out of worry and anxiety and that itself brings worry and anxiety.

There are some symptoms again these 2-3 days. Fatigue and low energy. But I don’t want to go there and think about it. Just tired of it.

Woke up earlier than usual today, and there is calmness, and equanimity, with some discomfort in the body related to those symptoms.

-- Edit:
Forgot this. That pleasant wave-like feeling in the legs that I mentioned before, that happens sometimes when I am tired and in bed, happens more frequently, probably because I have sleep deprivation, and sometimes spread to whole body for a few moments. I think it's because body tried to relax, but it can't relax completely, and one part relaxes and the other part tightens up, and this repeats, and that causes this wavy feeling.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/2/20 6:21 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, July 3, 2020, 3:05 AM

A lot of details comes to mind to throw on this wall, but I feel procrastination.

Listening to Rob Burbea’s jhana retreat, I really like and appreciate it. He gives a lot of details that I need, and I haven’t seen it in my limited encounter with other teachers materials.

Practicing with guidelines that he provides, I try to be gentle with paying attention, and have a more spacious awareness. Sometimes I find it hard to do. I’ve almost never been a person of middle way. I go easily to extremes often. I notice that my body mind prefers to either not practice, or pay very close attention that so far comes with rigidity and tensing the body.

I think this has been with me since childhood, that paying attention comes with tensing the body. Closer attention causes more tension, and that has become a habit.

He talked about making habit out of energetic manifestations like movements or jerking and so on. And I think these buzzy vibrations that I have in my head, should fall in that category, because earlier in practice I was taking it to be a sign on concentration, so it has become a wrong habit. I made a resolution to not have these vibrations and let the energy gather and flow freely.

There are different kinds of sensations related to the energy. With painful sensation, I practice imagining and feeling that breath comes into that location and goes out of it, and a bright light or energy spreads into whole body, and often pain goes away after a few minutes. That strong pain that recently had arisen in the abdomen, doesn’t arise much anymore, and instead itching arise in that location. It’s the same for some of the other locations too. Today there is some pain and numbness and heaviness in right arm and left leg, the same sensations that I was thinking are because of the neck and spine problem, but there should be related to the cycling and this energy. There are sometimes other sensations in both locations too, like throbbing.

Since yesterday I was clenching my jaw, also during sleep. I am guessing that it’s probably Fear nana. It has stopped since today evening. Although I’ve slept enough today, but when practicing I become very sleepy, and I had a few episode of dreamy images that convey something quite different than their story. I’ve described this thing before, and I think it’s very important in understanding dreams, that the meaning is conveyed by the relationship between images/thoughts/qualities etc, not the bigger story related to those images. I should find better languaging for this. Rob was talking about first jhana’s factors, but I had in my mind that originally first jhana had 4 factors, and ekagata has been added later, and also I was practicing and was sleepy. I had this dreamy image of stairs of the building, that was saying: “I have one of the neighbors, and now I should go get the other three neighbors, by knocking their door” and I had an image of a woman on the stairs, that was one of the neighbors. But the meaning of these all was this: “I have one of the first jhana factors in place now, which is piti, because there was some mildly pleasant coolness in the body, and I need to word toward the other three factors and have them”! There was another similar episode like this, but I can’t remember it now. I should have written it then.

Last night during the first round of sleep there was some weird dreams. Some of them were related to the intentions that I had, that seemed like manifestations of those intentions. In one, I was naked while being with family and some colleagues, and that was normal. The one that woke me up, I was in my parents house in the living room, which also was the street, one strangers was helping another one, in a very violent way, and the other person seemed to be dying. My father knew them. There was a building there, some center for education maybe, it started to have some explosions, and big metals started flying toward us, like the explosion of the airplane in Lost, I survived that, then the whole building exploded, and burning material went up to sky, it was like whole sky above us was filled with burning lava that had 20 feet diameter/heigh(?), but it was bright white and yellow, and then it was coming down that I woke up. That would vaporize all of us.

I often forget to do those Chi Kung movements. When I remember, part of me says, hey you should practice it everyday and do it now, the other part says, ok thanks but I’ll do it later, and sometimes while these two parts are negotiating or fighting, the third part notices that those two parts are distracted now with their fight, and starts doing the movements. While doing it, part A and B come again and start distracting part C by their fight. Often after starting it, part C wins and finishes the movements. This is the pattern for some of the other activities that I either forget a lot, or have procrastination to do them.

Did I write it all? I don’t know, I’ve forgotten the list.

Oh, it took 42 minutes since I started writing. Damn it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 9:06 AM as a reply to Siavash.
That would vaporize all of us.

 I like to meditate over my own dreams of death. They generally carry a message.



RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 5:13 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
That would vaporize all of us.

 I like to meditate over my own dreams of death. They generally carry a message.




You mean while having a dream, or after waking up? How would you do that, if you don't mind sharing it? Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 7:15 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 4, 2020, 4:38 AM

This last day or night or whatever, I slept longer. I was in bed for around 18 hours. It was weekend! There were too many dreams. During some of the earlier ones I was aware of the body, then the main dream of the day came and woke me up. I think these dreams show the development that is taking place. This time, the theme was shame and guilt. I was in a construction site, and a friend was there and asked for a little help, like give that stick to us, and I did, but then it turned out that I have done a terrible thing. The guy that was there, owner of the place, turned out to be a very rich, famous and powerful internationally known person, and I had revealed his secrets, and that this modest site is gonna be a hotel for a queen or someone like that, and the guy was in rage and ridiculing me. A lot of shame and guilt. I was in a freeze state, that I woke up.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 9:11 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 4, 2020, 6:28 AM

In this past week I had a strong urge to practice, and I was practicing more. Also I had a strong urge to work, since I started working again, and I had some ideas even about starting a project for myself to do some technical work. I was trying to connect with feelings that I had in the past when I was enjoying coding and was very productive and training others and getting praises and such. All of this was kind of good. Now after sleeping that much, I feel tired and in need for sleep, and also I feel a disappointment about all of it. Not much motivation for practice or for work. Probably that dream last night had some effect, or maybe this is part of cycling, I don’t know.

What I see is that, what gives me the most anxiety often, is the thoughts about how others think about me, and that if they think that I have done something wrong or bad. And that dream had this situation on the maximum. That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.

And maybe part of it is because of the situation related to the covid. It turns out that those who have been sick before, can become sick again, and I had symptoms last week for around 3 days, although it was not intense. And the cases are rising again, and the number of younger people who need to be hopitalized has increased, mostly in their 20's, and I’ve decided to only work at office, so I’ll be exposed to it no matter what I do. We will see what will unfold.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 7:29 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, July 4, 2020, 6:28 AM

In this past week I had a strong urge to practice, and I was practicing more. Also I had a strong urge to work, since I started working again, and I had some ideas even about starting a project for myself to do some technical work. I was trying to connect with feelings that I had in the past when I was enjoying coding and was very productive and training others and getting praises and such. All of this was kind of good. Now after sleeping that much, I feel tired and in need for sleep, and also I feel a disappointment about all of it. Not much motivation for practice or for work. Probably that dream last night had some effect, or maybe this is part of cycling, I don’t know.

What I see is that, what gives me the most anxiety often, is the thoughts about how others think about me, and that if they think that I have done something wrong or bad. And that dream had this situation on the maximum. That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.



hi shrouwb,

Kierkegaard said, Life can be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. You've been living, doing, intensely, in the past week, livng forwards. Like the rough draft of a manuscript: just get the words on the page. But humans crave understanding too, not just doing: meaning, context, history, future: and so the backwards moment comes. Like in writing, again: the editing phase, assessment, a week on a paragraph shit. And in practice, go with the flow of the meditation for a roll's duration, feel the limits of . . . self, ego, mind, whatever, and settle in to try to figure out who the fuck that masked man was. Like the systole and diastole of a heart, contraction pumping fresh blood, contraction relaxing that vital organ and ltting the effects of the effort ripple.

So don't fucking die on the down beat, for God's sake, or dependent origination's either, lol.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 7:48 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hey Tim. Thanks for the wise and kind words.
Yeah, I'll try to go forward.

Regarding that masked man, I think I'll stay home after going home today. Today I wasn't sure to come to office, and it took several hours to decide, but I came, but I've had a lot of negative thoughts about coming here, probably one reason was that I read somewhere someone said that her friend had a flu-like covid sickness the first time, and it was ok and recovered, but when he/she became sick for the second time, he/she died.

And I have fatigue and low energy today, I don't know what has caused it, probably it's not related to the sickness because I don't have the other symptoms, but whatever that is, it's not pleasant. So I think I'll stay home for a week to see how it goes.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 7:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
And what I said here:
That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.

Was a translation of some saying in out languages, just to convey the unpleasantness of the situation. It has nothing to do with dying. Sorry.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 8:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
And what I said here:
That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.

Was a translation of some saying in out languages, just to convey the unpleasantness of the situation. It has nothing to do with dying. Sorry.

lol, clearly i was projecting. i'm ready to check out on zero notice.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 8:54 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hey Tim. Thanks for the wise and kind words.
Yeah, I'll try to go forward.

Regarding that masked man, I think I'll stay home after going home today. Today I wasn't sure to come to office, and it took several hours to decide, but I came, but I've had a lot of negative thoughts about coming here, probably one reason was that I read somewhere someone said that her friend had a flu-like covid sickness the first time, and it was ok and recovered, but when he/she became sick for the second time, he/she died.

And I have fatigue and low energy today, I don't know what has caused it, probably it's not related to the sickness because I don't have the other symptoms, but whatever that is, it's not pleasant. So I think I'll stay home for a week to see how it goes.

shrouwb,

This sounds like a great plan, wow, a week of space and time.

But don't "try to go forward." Let forward go forward, let backward go backward. Let them do the fucking work. You just relax and feel better, rest, abide.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:03 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
But don't "try to go forward." Let forward go forward, let backward go backward. Let them do the fucking work. You just relax and feel better, rest, abide.



Yah, I meant something like that.

This sounds like a great plan, wow, a week of space and time.

I don't have any "space" left, I have difficulty working from home currently, but if I don't come to office, I have to work at home, otherwise things will become ugly soon.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:09 AM as a reply to Siavash.
You mean while having a dream, or after waking up? How would you do that, if you don't mind sharing it? Thanks.

I meant afterward - while awake.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:12 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
You mean while having a dream, or after waking up? How would you do that, if you don't mind sharing it? Thanks.

I meant afterward - while awake.


Thanks.
What I've noticed, dreams like these ones often have effects that remain for sometime, hours, days, and sometimes more. That include both feeling and the images. But since I haven't done any meditation on them, I've never investigated the feeling, I only know that I feel something from that dream. I'll do it. Thanks for the suggestion.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:32 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash, yes, dreams are a window into what's up with our psyche and they were always a big part of practice for me. During certain stages they were essential, pointing me to those places that needed attention. Attention in this case = meditation time.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:39 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Siavash, yes, dreams are a window into what's up with our psyche and they were always a big part of practice for me. During certain stages they were essential, pointing me to those places that needed attention. Attention in this case = meditation time.



Yes, that's what I think too.
It would be a good trigger practice, using Shinzen's terms, for a lot of dreams!
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/5/20 8:05 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, July 5, 2020, 4:54 PM

Last night while in bed, those wavy pleasant sensations arose again in my legs, since I was tired and sleep deprived, had not slept the night before, but also they arose a little bit in my whole body, hands and head. It’s like I am in cradle, but it’s not one cradle, there are many cradles and each moving in different directions, and muscles seems to be moving in different directions in a gentle way. Although sometimes it’s more intense, and it feels like for a moment I was floating in the air, and I just fell down on the ground, by my body resist that, and often jump up. I set intentions to not resist it.

Since I was tired, I fell sleep quickly, and for the first time in a while, maybe a few months I don’t know, I don’t remember any dreams from this 9 hours of sleep. None.

After I woke up, I felt it’s cold, so I turned of the cooler, but after 10-20 minutes I felt it’s hot, and turned it on again, but it was not working. I need to fix it. After some minutes I noticed fear about it. But being in a hot temperature is not something that I couldn’t tolerate, so I looked a little closely, and noticed that I fear the fear itself, and the not-knowing that is there. What would happen, what if this happens or that happens and etc, since the mind doesn’t know exactly what would happen and feels that has not control, and feels that there maybe a fearful situations, so fear this whole not-knowing and fear itself. I checked some other similar situations, and it seems that the whole worry and fear and anxiety about them is related to this fear of fear. None of those situations are so bad.

But I was able to relax. I noticed that there is a calm place in the being, that seems that is not touched, and can be there to balance the situation. I don’t have the feeling now that I had a few hours ago when I was thinking about this, so I don’t remember the correct way to phrase it, but I felt that probably a page has turned and I can have access to a little more equanimity.

-- Edit:
Huh, I remembered it now. Last night in bed, I set an intetion and wish, that it was the first time that I had that intention as far as I remember. I wished to have dreams that bring me healing and happiness and insight into my psyche and wounds and emotions and etc. I don't know if this had any effect that I don't remember any dreams from this night, or it was just that I was so tired.

About the typos in these writings that are many...,
Around maybe a year ago, I changed the way I type, to a more standard way. Before that, I had not learned the right way, like everything else that I go with self learning. But a year or two years ago I started to change it, and to have my hands and fingers in the right position, so that I could use all my fingers and not need to change my hands position. The result was that my speed of writing increased after sometime, and it feels much more effortless to type, but the other result was that I have a lot of typos in my writing. I know that it's not all related to this, but this has a major effect on it. So sorry about that. I often don't have the inclination to go back and read it again and edit it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/5/20 9:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I never learned to type the "correct" way, Siavash. I still don' know how and I'm an old fool. But my way of typing, unconventional as it may be, is pretty fast and accurate, at least according to the app Grammarly, which I used all the time. I worked for a while with a woman who typed with one hand. She was incredibley fast with that. My son's fiance was born with only one hand, and she's a wiz at typing. So I'm pretty sure there is no "right way" to type, but there is an "accepted way."

Socialization, you know.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/5/20 9:22 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I never learned to type the "correct" way, Siavash. I still don' know how and I'm an old fool. But my way of typing, unconventional as it may be, is pretty fast and accurate, at least according to the app Grammarly, which I used all the time. I worked for a while with a woman who typed with one hand. She was incredibley fast with that. My son's fiance was born with only one hand, and she's a wiz at typing. So I'm pretty sure there is no "right way" to type, but there is an "accepted way."

Socialization, you know.


Well, yeah. By right I meant that, we don't change the positions of hands, and use both hands, one hands doesn't go over the other hand to press a key because that other hand is slow in moving one of its fingers, and also it doesn't require much effort to type.

But yeah, it can be fast if that is not like above. Before this change, I would use mostly one hand. But it's interesting that now I don't remember it was right hand or left hand! I am left handed, but there are certain things that my right hand is better than left one.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 5:48 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020, 2.42 PM

Last night after I fell asleep, at some point I don’t know I was half awake or not, I was in my bed, in a room that was a mix of my current living room and the living room of a previous house, and unlike this room that the tv is in my right side when I am in bed, it was in front of me in a 15 feet distance maybe. I don’t remember that I was practicing to not, but suddenly my body started moving forward on the floor as if I am gliding, then while the body was exactly in its original horizontal form, it got up about a foot on the air, and started moving faster toward the tv. I don’t know I was asleep or awake but I was feeling the body clearly, and it was very pleasant, but the perception of room was different than my current room, then I got worried about hitting the tv so I tried to slow down and put my feet on the ground, and that made it stop, and I noticed that my feet already are on the ground. Then there was craving to have it again, so I focused on my legs for some seconds, that sometimes brings that wavy feeling, but it didn’t come back, and I fell asleep.

It’s interesting that it seems that these kinds of experiences want to arise in practice, but body-mind resists it and has fear, so they arise during dreams, but again body-mind wakes up and finds a way to resist it. It’s called practice ha!?

-- Edit:
I remembered now, that I had a similar experience in sleep-dream around two years ago when I was doing fire kasina for a few days, and that night I had practiced a few hours, then I started gliding in the air while in bed, and also had bright numbers in the visual field. Like the red dot when it's yellow and very bright, similar to that, persian numbers were arising, ۱, ۲, ۳,... very bright and yellow and it was very beautiful. That was very nice too.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 6:52 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash, it's clear - your practice is flying along!  emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 6:55 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Siavash, it's clear - your practice is flying along!  emoticon

Thank you so much Chris emoticon
I got positive energy from your comment ;)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 10:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020, 7:57 PM

It's so interesting that a lot of times, specially when not practicing, the red/bright dot to black/dark dot sequence of fire kasina happens spontaneously without doing fire kasina or any kasina. I am just sitting or doing something, and a very clear bright yellow/white dot arises with eyes open or closed, sometimes it's smaller than the red dot of fire kasina, sometimes a little bigger, and stays for some seconds, then turns into a very clear black dot, with a often green halo around it, and that stays for some seconds and then fades away. Sometimes there is a bigger black spot after the black dot but sometimes not. Sometimes there are more than one bright dot, and each one turns to its black dot after some seconds.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:15 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I will say something but please do ignore it if you feel it's of no benefit to you. Look at it as a fun game emoticon 

Can we agree that these dots are happening in the image space (in the mind but entering the door of sight). 

Ok. Let's say we do agree on that. 

So there is a red dot and a black dot and one is merging with the other and then they might go to one side or the other, they might jump from here to there, get closer or further away etc... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say there are two birds on a tree. I see them. And we agree that the image we see is also in the image space. One bird is red and the other is black. And one is hiding behind the other, then each go to one side and then they jump from one branch to the next, they flutter with their wings fast, they fly closer then further away etc ... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say I see two hornets flew into my room through the window and they are flying around. This too is in the image space. They get closer then further then closer again, then they land on the wall, then on my laptop, then they fly again around my head etc ... and I don't like this experience. 

Now let's say I'm watching all these on a TV screen and it's an interesting show about dots, birds and hornets. This too is arising in the image space. They do exactly same as above. I like this show. 

What do these experiences have in common? emoticon 

EDIT;
p.s. btw, I don't have the answer. I'm just wondering , inquiring 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:32 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
I will say something but please do ignore it if you feel it's of no benefit to you. Look at it as a fun game emoticon 

Can we agree that these dots are happening in the image space (in the mind but entering the door of sight). 

Ok. Let's say we do agree on that. 

So there is a red dot and a black dot and one is merging with the other and then they might go to one side or the other, they might jump from here to there, get closer or further away etc... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say there are two birds on a tree. I see them. And we agree that the image we see is also in the image space. One bird is red and the other is black. And one is hiding behind the other, then each go to one side and then they jump from one branch to the next, they flutter with their wings fast, they fly closer then further away etc ... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say I see two hornets flew into my room through the window and they are flying around. This too is in the image space. They get closer then further then closer again, then they land on the wall, then on my laptop, then they fly again around my head etc ... and I don't like this experience. 

Now let's say I'm watching all these on a TV screen and it's an interesting show about dots, birds and hornets. This too is arising in the image space. They do exactly same as above. I like this show. 

What do these experiences have in common? emoticon 

EDIT;
p.s. btw, I don't have the answer. I'm just wondering , inquiring 


papa che, fuck your fucking dots and hornets and your fucking smiley faces despite the fact that you're one of the grimmest guys i've ever met. This shit here ain't broke. Quit painting legs on this snake with your own obsessive ruminations and mind games.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:33 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Thanks Papa Che,

Yes, there are complexities related to your question. I've thought about it a little before, but I don't know. I'll pay more attention to this question. Thanks for reminding me.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:36 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
emoticon Tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/9/20 3:14 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, July 10, 12:26 AM

I started to listen to the rest of Rob’s talks now, but a restlessness and scatteredness arose, asking me to throw some words here.

So, to echo some words, to gain positive energy from it.

Today I woke up earlier than last two days. Listened to Rob for a little. Did 1-2 hours of practice, focusing on the whole body space with a light and gentle focus, and I got pretty relaxed and stable, and I guess concentration was deeper toward the end of it too maybe, since distractions in mind subsided, sense of stillness increased, and the pains in the butt disappeared and turned into a mild pleasantness, but then I got bored and pain started coming back.

This last 5 days that I was at home, I have worked 3 days of it so far, and compared to the last few months, it’s progress. The other two days that I didn’t work, I had done something productive each day. One of them I fixed the cooler, and the other day, yesterday, was acceptable too! This word acceptable is key here. Much of the suffering is related to that. Self critique and etc.

A friend called while working, and I responded, unlike the previous times. This is a progress too.

Worked for 6 hours today, which I am satisfied with that. Yesterday and today I found some creative ideas and implemented them and that gave some positive feelings. The last few weeks I was working on developing protections against tampering and reverse engineering on a mobile banking app, and that is a pretty nasty thing to do. Some of the resistance to work at home was related to this task, that I needed some ideas and solutions, but I hadn’t them.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/9/20 7:40 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, July 10, 5:05 AM

I am hesitant to use this terminology and language, but just for the sake of recording and maybe later pattern recognition:

Last 2-3 days maybe there was that strong sleepiness that arise from time to time, that sometimes is such strong that it really feels to be sick. And yesterday there was a lot of negative emotions that I couldn't work. Inherent dissatisfaction with everything. Today energy was higher. Less negative or better word unpleasant emotions, and stronger desire to practice, and I was able to work. Last days there was that bright purple/violet lights, today there wasn't, and instead a ball of green was there. And during this night, sometimes there are heaviness of the breath. So maybe, dukkha nanas to desire for deliverance, and d4d to reobservation (heavy breathing).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/12/20 3:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, July 13, 2020, 1:00 AM

I finished listening to Rob’s jhana retreat recordings, and while practicing with it I’ve started listening again to some of the talks that have fine points in them.

Although for most of these few days there have been a lot of unpleasant emotions/mind-states, I try to practice for most of the time that I am not doing any other work.
I think I had a few times around two years ago a stable pleasant piti, and probably I had entered very light jhanas a few times at that time (I was practicing with Leigh’s method then), but after that I don’t remember to have it. It often doesn’t stay more than a few minutes. Last night I had a very mild pleasant piti for around 10 minutes maybe, but then I changed my posture and it subsided and went away.

These two weeks I had some mild symptoms of sickness (second round!), but it wasn’t a problem. The day before yesterday they had intensified a little bit, and negative thoughts were coming: This sickness will kill me, if not this time, the next times… . But then the other part was saying: Don’t be an idiot, the last time it was much more intense, and that means your body has learned how to fight it/live with it… . Yesterday I was feeling better, but today again there was discomfort in the throat and trachea and some dry coughs, so those thoughts were arising again.

Because unpleasant emotions were increasing today, I decided to do something about it. I started inviting healing energies, and seeing in-breaths as healing energy and space as healing and joyful space. Then I started imagining beautiful colors and lights around and inside my body. That brought some stillness, concentration and piti.

Later I decided to pay attention to every pleasant and beautiful object that I can find, and I noticed that there are many many pleasant and beautiful objects/experiences everywhere. I had noticed this before, but not this clear. We get used to these objects and experiences and forget to see their beauty. A rectangle is a very beautiful form. A circle, the black color of tv screen, the shape of this keyboard… . And many pleasant sensations. The softness of these keys while pressing them, the fact that I can see no matter what is it that I am seeing, the colors and shapes are pleasant. Although very subtle, but they are pleasant.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/13/20 3:31 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020, 12:28 AM

Last night I did some more practice, focusing on the whole body space breath, and finding pleasant sensations and focusing on them, and that helped a little with unpleasant emotions that I had, and brought some stillness. The discomfort related to the symptoms (of sickness?! I don’t know anymore what is what) were increasing, but I tried to keep myself grounded. After going to bed, intense restlessness arose. The mind was relatively calm although there was some thoughts about the sickness, but body was restless. I started practicing there, and pain arose in the entirety of my chest when breathing. That caused some more worry about the sickness. Then I noticed that it feels like the pain is on the bones, and often that means that it’s related to this kundalini energy. I kept practicing, and after around 5 minutes this pain subsided and went away. Today symptoms are mostly gone. I wonder if there is any causal relation between emotions and these symptoms.

Today after waking up, there has been some equanimity and tranquility available. For a few hours after waking up, the body-mind was very still. Then I started listening to Rob, and was preparing to jump into the waters of practice. I remembered the thoughts and intentions that I had yesterday about tuning into beauty and pleasantness, then I looked around and the visual scene was not looking beautiful. I haven’t done any house cleaning for God knows how long. Positives were stronger than negatives, so I started cleaning the room a little bit, and that gave some positive feelings. But then this obsessive tendency for cleaning arose. Everywhere and everything that I was looking at, was not clean, so I did some more. Then did some practice, and went out to get my sandwich. The obsessive thoughts about cleaning were spinning in my head, so when I returned home, the first thing that I did was some more cleaning. Now it looks a little better. When I came to sit, I noticed that there is a subtle positive feeling about cleanings that I did, but a stronger negative feeling about more cleaning that is needed. Also there is another thread often, the despair agency, that whenever I do something that I feel good about it, this feelings/thoughts arise that, …what is the point, do you think it can make any difference, nothing will get better with these things that you are doing, etc… . I guess I have to be kind to this part of me, each time that it feels desperate.

The more I listen to Rob, the more I feel sad about his death, but at the same time, I think his death was the right thing to happen (whatever that is)! I had a dream that he was in some place like an office, sitting on a chair or a wheelchair, very happy and smiling, I was there too, the person there said to him, come close near the table (maybe to sign something..), but he said, sorry I can not do that (because he couldn’t move his legs).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/14/20 6:58 AM as a reply to Siavash.
loving your relationship with Rob. He'll get legs soon, i'm sure, with his excellent practice discipline and good attitude and surrendered heart and sheer meditative chops.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/14/20 11:02 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim,

loving your relationship with Rob. He'll get legs soon, i'm sure, with his excellent practice discipline and good attitude and surrendered heart and sheer meditative chops.

I loved this. Yes he will.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/18/20 8:48 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, July 19, 2020, 6:17 AM

I don't like to write, I don't like to not write.

I am going to bed, waiting for (or maybe asking for) a crazy dreamland.

Tomorrow will be different, I guess.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/18/20 10:38 PM as a reply to Siavash.
There will come a day, after all dust is settled, only a heart will remain that is touched.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/19/20 11:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, July 19, 2020, 8:30 PM

I continued with cleaning the house, and it has been much better. Some positive feelings gained from it.

The night before yesterday after going to bed, I noticed that my head is on the pillow and the body is ont the matress, and these two are disconnected. It looked strange that how these two could be connected, I mean in the mental image of the body. I tried to imagine a neck being between head and the body, and it looked like a wired shape, not really like a real thing. It was obvious that these two part are not connected.

Last 1-2 days there has been a strong pain in the base of spine and tale bone. Yesterday there was a lot of vibrations, pins and needles spreading over head and the body. Later at night while doing a short walking practice, a sense of pleasure arose, and then a feeling started moving up from the base of spine, like water moving in a pipe, it moved a few inches up and stopped, then there was a storm of sexual energy. After some hours. it settles down somewhat. The vibrations were there the whole time. Then a tenderness arose. I got droawd to music again, like the old times. Enjoying it, and feeling the awe in it. Fell sleep later, but after waking up today, the tenderness and vibrations, pins and needles still were strong nad pervasive. Now in the last few hours it seems that they have decreased.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/19/20 11:19 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sounds positive!

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7/19/20 11:30 AM as a reply to Sam Gentile.
I hope so. Thanks Sam.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/20/20 10:46 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
There will come a day, after all dust is settled, only a heart will remain that is touched.


Amen.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/23/20 12:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, July 23, 2020, 9:14 AM

Two days ago I had a dream. I was asleep near the morning, around 7 am it was I think. I woke up (in the dream), and noticed that I am on a mattress that has maybe 3-4 yards height, in the street near my house. It was like I am lying down on top a truck, I was gliding to one end of it and looking at the sky, then I’d find myself being rotated 180 degrees and gliding to the other side and looking at the other end of the sky. It was so beautiful and clear, photo realistic. Clear blue sky with beautiful white shining clouds. Then I noticed that it became brighter. That part of me that was in bed in my “real” room thought that it’s the Sun that is coming up. The other part of me that was in bed in the street in the dream, noticed the lights of the restaurant in my right side that got turned on. Then I got disconnected from that feeling of being in bed in my real room, and was totally in the dream. I got up to walk to the house, enjoying the fresh air of the morning. The neighborhood was a mix of the current one, and some other place that our university campus was there. I was hearing a young guy that seemed to be a construction site worker that had stayed in the construction site. I wasn’t seeing him, but based on hearing his voice I knew that he is enjoying what he was doing. He was in the bathroom and singing and farting with no breaks in his singing and farting. I was hearing another guy that was laughing at him. I came the the alley, the current one. There was mountains near the house, I was looking at the mountain and seeing it as a lion, then I looked at the other end of the mountain and saw loin’s head. A little fear arose… . I don’t have the energy to write the rest of it… . Then I woke up in my real room, and noticed that it’s morning and weekend, and I liked it and had the pleasant feeling that I used to have in my childhood what I’d wake up early in the morning of weekends and knowing that it’s weekend and I can enjoy being in bed, that would give a very nice feeling. I had the same feeling and wanted to stay in my bed and enjoy the weekend, then I really woke up, and remembered that it’s Wednesday and I need to go to the bank to continue my work there.

The last 5 days, there was a very serious performance issue in one of the servers in the bank. No one knew what is going on, so I had to go there and work on it. That washed away the negative emotions that I had before, although I had them when I had a little break from the work. But like always, when there is a serious issue like this, my mood and energy levels changes dramatically, and it happened these days too, so I was able to work long hours there and design tests and monitor what was going on. After some intense work in the last 3 days, we now have a clearer picture of what is going on, and I think we can fix it next week.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/23/20 12:20 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Thursday, July 23, 2020, 9:14 AM

The last 5 days, there was a very serious performance issue in one of the servers in the bank. No one knew what is going on, so I had to go there and work on it. That washed away the negative emotions that I had before, although I had them when I had a little break from the work. But like always, when there is a serious issue like this, my mood and energy levels changes dramatically, and it happened these days too, so I was able to work long hours there and design tests and monitor what was going on. After some intense work in the last 3 days, we now have a clearer picture of what is going on, and I think we can fix it next week.

Well, that's great news! Are you a computer guy? I used to be a Software Engineer for over 30 years and know quite well the pleasent feeling you describe. Good going!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/23/20 12:28 PM as a reply to Sam Gentile.
Well, that's great news!
Thank you Sam for the positive energy.

Are you a computer guy?
Yes. As they say, I am a programmer I have no life!

I used to be a Software Engineer for over 30 years and know quite well the pleasent feeling you describe.
Interesting to know this. Before recently and based of your earlier posts, I had the impression that probably you are in your 30's!
Yeah, there are a lot of that kind of pleasant feelings, attached to the identities of "tech guy", "problem solver", "The one that comes and fixes everythings!!!" and more! emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/24/20 4:01 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 25, 2020, 1:11 AM

Woke up (not fully) once or twice because I was laughing in the dream, quite loudly. I don’t remember what was in the dream that I was laughing at, but when I woke up, I noticed that I am laughing and my normal mood of being neutral/serious wanted to take over and stop the laughing, but I continued laughing for a few more seconds, and then fell asleep again I guess. Laughing is not something that I do a lot in wakefulness, so thanks to dream world!

Last night I was hearing the sound of one of coolers in the building, it was a little louder than normal so I wanted to know if it’s mine or not. I had noticed this sound to be coming from the right side of the building before, meaning that it’s not mine, but last night I was hearing it from the center. While going to bathroom after I stood up, I relaxed the mind and opened the awareness to notice all the sounds. After 1-2 seconds I could detect the location of each sound, and this cooler sound was coming from the right side, then some energetic sensations started arising. A stronger one started moving around and then moving up at the lower belly, and some others in legs and chest. And a pleasant feeling of coolness/breeze spread over whole body. They stopped after 10-20 seconds, but for a few hours after that, there was lots of throbbing and occasional movements related to this energy, and a lot of very bright colors/lights, and some moving sensations in lower back. Later at night the lights disappeared and visual field became more dull, and itches arose in places that often have energetic sensations. Then these itches spread to whole body and became stronger. These itches continued until I fell asleep in the morning.

Despair is the thing that is constantly in the background and sometime in the foreground.

Last night while focusing on the whole body and visual field, it happened a number of times that felt like the body is moving in different direction. Similar to the pleasant wavy feeling in the legs that I have in bed. And also it seemed that the visual field with eyes closed is moving with high speed to the right or left, for a few seconds. I don’t remember more details.

These few days, except when I am engaged with work, mind is scattered, and it doesn't stay on anything for more than a short time.

There are a lot of fine tingles/pins & needls, specially in left leg and head, that sometimes spreads to whole body. Sometimes energetic sensations are just in one side of the body, for example all the itches/pains/throbbings arise in the right side for some minutes, and then they all move to the left side, and sometimes I don't see such patterns.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/24/20 5:10 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 25, 2020, 2:24 AM

Was hesitant to post this or not, but let’s go with “who cares”.

I feel tired, so tired. I am tired. I don’t remember that I wrote about that dream or not. A few months ago, in that intense time of the sickness, I had a dream, me and my mother were inside a car, I was younger. I was hugging my mother and crying. She was asking why are you crying, what’s wrong? And I was saying: I am tired, I am tired. Then she was asking again and I was repeating I am tired.

I feel that somethings needs to happen that will happen. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t have anymore patience. I’ve waited way too long.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/25/20 7:22 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, July 25, 2020, 2:24 AM

Was hesitant to post this or not, but let’s go with “who cares”.

I feel tired, so tired. I am tired. I don’t remember that I wrote about that dream or not. A few months ago, in that intense time of the sickness, I had a dream, me and my mother were inside a car, I was younger. I was hugging my mother and crying. She was asking why are you crying, what’s wrong? And I was saying: I am tired, I am tired. Then she was asking again and I was repeating I am tired.

I feel that somethings needs to happen that will happen. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t have anymore patience. I’ve waited way too long.
 hey shrouwb,

rest. let it be for a bit, quit pushing. Rest is a real thing, it involves not working in the way that is tiring you. You're good, but both real life and the dukha nanas have this way of moving the finish line back just as it seems close. So sit down in the shade and let the fucking finish line come to you, and fuck it if it don't.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/25/20 8:18 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,
Thank you.

Yes I need to rest.
I hope to be able to see and use the opportunities to rest, when they arise.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/26/20 11:33 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hi Tim,
Thank you.

Yes I need to rest.
I hope to be able to see and use the opportunities to rest, when they arise.

Siavash, yes, eyes to see the opportunities--- and the attitude of accepting rest, when it comes. You are naturally a very hard worker. You need to be aware that you need this rest, that it is legitimate.

I am having a certifictate printed up for you, certifying you as a hard worker in need of rest, and a permission slip, authorizing Extraodinary Rest Measures Like a Fucking Nap.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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7/27/20 3:06 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
Hi Tim,
Thank you.

Yes I need to rest.
I hope to be able to see and use the opportunities to rest, when they arise.

Siavash, yes, eyes to see the opportunities--- and the attitude of accepting rest, when it comes. You are naturally a very hard worker. You need to be aware that you need this rest, that it is legitimate.

I am having a certifictate printed up for you, certifying you as a hard worker in need of rest, and a permission slip, authorizing Extraodinary Rest Measures Like a Fucking Nap.

love, tim


Thank you Tim,
I need to remember this.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/2/20 5:45 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, August 3, 2020, 2:52 AM

For most of this past week, my mind was scattered, and my body was restless. I’ve worked a few days of it, but yesterday couldn’t because of difficulty with breathing.

I had a conversation with a friend, and they told something, a few things actually, that made me really upset, and for a few days after that I was getting mental talks related to that, so for two days I switched to practicing Shinzen’s Auto Think while in bed. Then a family member said something, which I didn’t like, but I didn’t notice much effects on my mind, but after that I had unpleasant dreams and difficulty in my body that I think was related to that. Probably that person noticed these changes in some way and one or two days after that tried to be nice and ask if I am upset or not. I almost never get upset about things that family members say or do in recent years, no matter what it would be, I’ve passed that point (painfully), but it affects the body and it doesn’t matter much what I think consciously.

It’s around 3 days maybe, that again there are some symptoms related to the sickness.

And around 3 days maybe that there is some difficulty with breathing, specially when lying down. I am not sure what is the cause, but I think main cause is the tension in the muscles of abdomen. It feels that those muscles are tense, and it’s filled with rocks, and there is discomfort there while breathing. It becomes worse when I am more aware of it, and when I do physical activities it’s better!

Recently I do shorter formal practices. I feel alone and disconnected when trying to do formal sitting practice, but last night I did more, around two hours I guess, and then 1-2 hours in bed. Yesterday I couldn’t go to work because of this breathing difficulty, and since I had taken some alprazolam because of this issue, today I overslept and couldn’t go to work. So when I woke up today, I tried to cover it by practicing, and did two sits with Leigh Brasington’s guided body scan, one around 35 minutes and the other 45 minutes. Then later at night I did another sit focusing on the change in the sensations of breathing. I like to practice a little more and then go to bed.

Oh, I forgot, since yesterday there is less scatteredness in the mind, and there is more clarity in the center of attention.

And this last few hours, my hands and feet feel a little cold and numb. This I think is related to states/stages, and probably some emotions.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/2/20 7:41 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, August 3, 2020, 5:06 AM

I did another sit, 90 minutes maybe, and focused mainly on the changing sensations of breathing in the abdomen, mostly on the point that there is almost always tension.

Now to conclude today, the positive side is that today I did more practice, and the negative side is that it's late now, and I don't have enough time for enough sleep if I want to go to work tomorrow, but my mind tends to see only the negative side, and not see the positive side, or even worse, see the positive side as something negative. I need to remind myself over and over and over again to see the positives more, and to learn again to enjoy.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/3/20 5:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, August 3, 2020, 5:06 AM

I did another sit, 90 minutes maybe, and focused mainly on the changing sensations of breathing in the abdomen, mostly on the point that there is almost always tension.

Now to conclude today, the positive side is that today I did more practice, and the negative side is that it's late now, and I don't have enough time for enough sleep if I want to go to work tomorrow, but my mind tends to see only the negative side, and not see the positive side, or even worse, see the positive side as something negative. I need to remind myself over and over and over again to see the positives more, and to learn again to enjoy.

Shrouwb,

by all means see the ;positives more, and let a smile be your umbrella.

Also, learn to cat nap at work without getting busted.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/3/20 7:52 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,
Thanks.
 let a smile be your umbrella.

Often there is no smile, and if I force myself to fake it, it feels uncomfortable so I don't do that.

Also, learn to cat nap at work without getting busted.

I don't get tired if I am working. I get tired if I am not working.