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ATTENTION!: It appears that our server has been hacked through this version of Liferay, meaning it is no longer secure, and so expect instability as we deal with this and attempt to upgrade to Liferay 7, which we failed to be able to do last year the last time the team attempted it, but we have no choice at this point, so bear with us as we try again. Save any long posts in a text file before posting them. You can follow me on Twitter at @danielmingram for updates if the site is down. Apologies for any complexity this causes. We will work as fast as we can. We have backups of the database, so hopefully nothing will be lost. Thanks to all helping with this complex process.

 

 

 

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Siavash's Practice Log 3

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Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/17/20 11:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/17/20 11:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/17/20 12:08 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 6:07 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/18/20 3:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 3:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/18/20 6:26 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/19/20 8:10 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/19/20 8:26 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:41 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/19/20 9:02 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:42 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:50 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:31 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 8:43 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/20/20 8:51 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/20/20 9:21 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 8:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 12:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/22/20 6:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/23/20 3:49 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/23/20 5:50 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/24/20 3:43 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/28/20 9:17 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Hibiscus Kid 5/28/20 7:00 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/28/20 7:53 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 5/29/20 1:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 5/29/20 1:39 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 1:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 5/29/20 1:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 5/29/20 3:01 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:44 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 1:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/29/20 9:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/30/20 2:11 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 5/30/20 2:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/29/20 11:16 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 5/30/20 6:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/2/20 11:27 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/2/20 12:15 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/2/20 12:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 5:27 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 10:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/9/20 2:57 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 3:37 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö 6/10/20 6:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/10/20 6:59 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/9/20 1:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/9/20 2:09 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 6:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 7:24 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 10:08 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/18/20 10:36 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/19/20 4:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/19/20 3:47 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/24/20 5:20 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 6/25/20 6:33 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/25/20 12:44 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/25/20 3:47 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/26/20 12:20 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/28/20 6:58 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 6/29/20 4:25 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/1/20 3:18 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/2/20 6:21 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/3/20 9:06 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/3/20 5:13 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/4/20 9:09 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 9:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/4/20 9:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 9:39 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/3/20 7:15 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/3/20 9:11 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/4/20 7:29 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 7:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 7:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/4/20 8:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/4/20 8:54 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/4/20 9:03 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/5/20 8:05 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/5/20 9:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/5/20 9:22 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 5:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Chris Marti 7/7/20 6:52 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 6:55 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 10:33 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 7/7/20 11:15 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/7/20 11:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 11:36 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/7/20 11:33 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/9/20 3:14 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/9/20 7:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/12/20 3:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/13/20 3:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/14/20 6:58 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/14/20 11:02 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/18/20 8:48 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/18/20 10:38 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/20/20 10:46 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/19/20 11:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Sam Gentile 7/19/20 11:19 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/19/20 11:30 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/23/20 12:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Sam Gentile 7/23/20 12:20 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/23/20 12:28 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/24/20 4:01 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/24/20 5:10 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/25/20 7:22 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/25/20 8:18 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 7/26/20 11:33 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 7/27/20 3:06 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/2/20 5:45 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/2/20 7:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 8/3/20 5:25 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/3/20 7:52 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 8/10/20 2:58 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/10/20 3:48 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/14/20 3:52 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/15/20 9:40 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 8/20/20 2:32 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/20/20 9:29 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Pepe 8/20/20 10:10 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/20/20 10:20 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Pepe 8/20/20 3:18 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/20/20 1:01 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/23/20 4:49 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 8/24/20 1:07 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/24/20 6:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/24/20 5:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/26/20 5:14 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/27/20 11:38 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 8/28/20 2:51 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 8/31/20 3:48 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/1/20 4:23 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Sam Gentile 9/1/20 1:49 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/1/20 2:25 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/1/20 9:56 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/2/20 2:23 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/2/20 7:30 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/10/20 11:39 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/11/20 4:30 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/11/20 12:07 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/12/20 11:58 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/12/20 3:58 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/14/20 10:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/15/20 12:49 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 3:40 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/15/20 3:44 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/14/20 7:20 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 7:13 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 shargrol 9/15/20 8:37 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 9:09 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 shargrol 9/15/20 10:45 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 11:10 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 12:18 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 12:45 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/17/20 11:57 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 shargrol 9/17/20 2:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/17/20 4:23 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 shargrol 9/17/20 6:40 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/17/20 10:07 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/18/20 5:00 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 shargrol 9/18/20 5:53 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/18/20 6:29 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/18/20 1:06 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/18/20 2:44 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/18/20 3:13 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/18/20 7:31 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/15/20 10:51 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 11:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Angel Roberto Puente 9/15/20 12:55 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/15/20 1:19 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/15/20 1:23 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Angel Roberto Puente 9/15/20 2:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 agnostic 9/19/20 9:32 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/20/20 6:39 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/20/20 9:19 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/20/20 9:35 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Papa Che Dusko 9/20/20 9:54 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 agnostic 9/20/20 10:12 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/20/20 10:17 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/20/20 2:41 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/16/20 5:36 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 shargrol 9/16/20 6:18 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/16/20 6:26 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/17/20 12:18 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/19/20 5:04 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/19/20 4:46 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/22/20 11:31 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/22/20 1:19 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/22/20 8:42 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/24/20 3:23 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/25/20 2:24 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/26/20 2:10 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/26/20 3:00 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Tim Farrington 9/26/20 3:54 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/26/20 6:40 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Pepe 9/26/20 12:53 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/26/20 1:27 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Pepe 9/26/20 5:06 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/26/20 5:11 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Pepe 9/26/20 5:35 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/26/20 5:54 PM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 9/26/20 7:06 AM
RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3 Siavash 10/1/20 8:49 AM
Siavash's Practice Log 3
journal log practice log meditation log practice journal kasina fire kasina
Answer
5/17/20 11:16 AM
To continue the practice and life log. May it be of benefit to someone.
This is the first part on fire kasina:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13223904

And this is the second part:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/13519742

And this is the third part:
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/17421695



------------------------

Sunday, May 17, 2020, 8:43 PM

I still don't know why I created this new log thread, but maybe the previous one was long, maybe I was tired of seeing similar numbers, maybe starting something new is good, whatever.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/17/20 11:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Siavash, may this fresh space refresh your faith. May this new thread weave into the tapestry seamlessly, like spun gold, and show you the path through confusion to the vision of all. May your practice be strong, and tender, slow, and in God's time; and the fruits of your beautiful practice bear fruits, for you and for all beings. Amen, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/17/20 12:08 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 6:07 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 18, 2020, 9:46 AM

Yesterday as usual having problem with working, I started asking questions myself about the things that I don’t like/want to do, and asking why I don’t like/want to do them, or what is the other thing that I am doing instead of the ones that I should do, that is more likable/pleasant/comfortable/or-what-the-hell-that-is compared to the ones that I don't like/want to do. Started to work after that, a minutes later I get an urge to go to bed, investigate that urge, work for another few minutes, there is an urge to listen to some interview, ok fuck that urge, I have listened to these idiots enough, another few minutes, let’s go to bed, let’s meditate! Continued this for about an hour, then a colleague called and I had to go out and give some of the devices that I had, so after I came back, there was no energy to do even that thing. Instead a deep deep sadness/despair/boredom/aversion, that when it reaches to that level, it turns into a kind of indifference and not caring. Body loses energy and becomes numb and dull, mind becomes calm, facial muscles are relaxed, and you don’t care about any damn thing. Like a father that has watched his wife and children get drown in the flood, and couldn’t do anything, and now is sitting there, one hand resting on the other hand, and his eyes are locked onto the horizon, but his gaze is not sharp, and nothing can move him, he is speechless and motionless.

While going to bed I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during sleep and while waking up. I had done it a few days ago too for one or two nights. In the middle of the night I woke up, lying down in my bed, but in my parents house in the room that I sleep when I am there, and I could see my mother over there, and see the windows and etc. Not very clear, but like most dreams, but I also feel my body here in my bed, and I know that I am really here in my own house, but that other one is happening too and I know its in dream space, and let’s call it a dream (Actually this was the kind of thought that I had). I noticed that if I move much, the share of parents house decreases in my experience and share of my house increases, as if the images of house start to get replaced by this one. So I didn’t move much, and was feeling my body here, and sometimes noticing different sensations on it, and at the same time being in a dream, lying down in my bed in my parents house, and there was occasional images happening in that dream and some dialogs. I wanted to call it dreamlet, but I am not comfortable with it because it brings Liferay to my mind, and it was Liferay that introduced portlets first, but I didn’t like it at that time at all, so I didn’t learn it, and anything that has any <>let in it, there is a negative tone to it for me often. Anyway, this playing with wakeful dream continued for 30-40 minutes maybe, and I was keeping it there while being in that dream and feeling my body here and knowing that both the dream and present-room-reality are happening at the same time, but then I got tired and bored and got up, and lied down again to fall in a single-threaded sleep/dream.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 3:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
Yesterday as usual having problem with working, I started asking question myself about the things that I don’t like/want to do, and asking why I don’t like/want to do them, or what is the other thing that I am doing instead of the ones that I should do, that is more likable/pleasant/comfortable/or-what-the-hell-that-is compared to the ones that I don't like/want to do. 
 
marvelous. At the extreme, i have basically taken myself off somewhere and vowed to never again do a single bullshit thing. Leaves quite the empty space in a life, at first. St. Augustine said, "Love, and do whatever the fuck you want." It sounds better in the Latin, of course.
 
Started to work after that, a minutes later I get an urge to go to bed, investigate that urge, work for another few minutes, there is an urge to listen to some interview, ok fuck that urge, I have listened to these idiots enough, another few minutes, let’s go to bed, let’s meditate! Continued this for about an hour,
 
then a colleague called and I had to go out and give some of the devices that I had, so after I came back, there was no energy to do even that thing.
 
perfect illustration: that shit is killing you, sapping you, drowning you, burying you.
 
Instead a deep deep sadness/despair/boredom/aversion, that when I reaches to that level, it turned into a kind of indifference and not caring. Body loses energy and become numb and dull, mind becomes calm, facial muscles are relaxed, and you don’t care about any damn thing. Like a father that has watched his wife and children get drown in the flood, and couldn’t do anything, and no is sitting there, one hand resting on the other hand, and his eyes are locked into the horizon, but his gaze is not sharp, and nothing can move him, he is speechless and motionless.
 
yup. the outcome of living grief drowing in dead bullshit.
 
While going to bed I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during asleep and while waking up. I had done it a few days ago too for one or two nights. In the middle of the night I woke up, lying down in my bed, but in my parent house in the room that I sleep when I am there, and I could see my mother over there, and see the windows and etc. Not very clear, but like most dreams, but I also feel my body here in my bed, and I know that I am really here in my own house, but that other one is happening too, and let’s call it a dream (Actually this was the kind of thought that I had). I noticed that if I move much, the share of parents house decreases in my experience and share of my house increases, as if the images of house start to get replaced by this one.
 
This is how you come into your true heritage: by slowing down and letting it come into you. You are embodying the best of what your parents gave you, in your meditative practice and in your own self-acceptance, which inevitably includes parent-acceptance, in the long run.
 
 
So I didn’t move much, and was feeling my body here, and sometimes noticing different sensations on it, and at the same time being in a dream, lying down in my parents house, and there was occasional images happening in that dream, to dream-like thing, I wanted to call it dreamlet, but I am not comfortable with it because it brings Liferay to my mind, and it was Liferay that introduced portlets first, but I didn’t like it at that time at all, so I didn’t learn it, and anything that has any <>let in it, there is a negative tone to it. Anyway, this playing with wakeful dream continued for 30-40 minutes maybe, and I was keeping it there, but then I got tired and bored and got up, and lied down again to fall in a single-threaded sleep/dream.
 
lol, even the best states get boring! true dat.
 
love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 3:45 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
that shit is killing you, sapping you, drowning you, burying you.
Yes.

even the best states get boring! true dat.
Yes.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/18/20 6:26 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, May 18, 2020, 3:37 PM

I sat for a little less than an hour, practicing this investigation and questioning of my resistance to working and other activities. I started bringing to mind things that I do with no resistance or most of time with no resistance, like drinking tea, or writing a post like this one that although sometimes there is resistance to it, but it’s often subtle, and comparing them with activities like working. After examining different scenarios and images and feelings, I came to this conclusion that probably there is a key different between writing this post and working, and this is about defining success and failure and getting positive or negative feedback. Something like drinking tea or writing log post doesn’t feel like a failure, and a lot of times has a subtle pleasant feeling as a feedback too, but a lot of times working feels/looks like a failure and has negative feeling with it. Why?

It’s the end of month now (with out calendar, Persian/Jalali calendar), other than today there is only two days left of this month, and I have worked only 10 hours so far, so I won’t be able to have enough hours to cover the expenses. As a result of that, in the last days this thought regularly was coming to my mind as a plan, that I should work 8-10 hours in the days left, to at least cover the main expenses, and also to make it look like I haven’t failed terribly. And now several hours after waking up, I know that I can’t possibly work for 10 hours today, and I should accept this reality, but the resistance is that I can’t accept it, it’s a failure. To start to work now, means that I am accepting that I won’t be able to reach that perfect goal that I had in mind, and since I don’t like to accept it, I don’t start, and when I start, immediately I look for other activities to do. Working for 3 hours doesn’t give a positive feedback that I worked for 3 hours, it gives a negative feedback that I couldn’t work for 8-10 hours, and it gives another negative feedback that considering today, tomorrow I won’t be able to work for 8-10 hours too. So today’s 3 hours work, is today’s failure, and if I make it happen and accept it, it means that I should accept tomorrow’s failure (tomorrow’s 3 hours) too, even if I could do that. So I just don’t start in the first place, maybe desperately hoping that this whole setup would change. I return back to the past and start the month differently, or go 10 more years back to start a different kind of life style. I heard someone said something about these situations, which I think probably is true about me here. Meaning that, I can’t accept this reality that 28 days of this month have passed and I have worked only 10 hours, because I can’t forgive myself for these 28 days. Sorry for typos, I can’t go back to read it again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 8:10 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, May 18, 2020, 3:37 PM

I sat for a little less than an hour, practicing this investigation and questioning of my resistance to working and other activities. I started bringing to mind things that I do with no resistance or most of time with no resistance, like drinking tea, or writing a post like this one that although sometimes there is resistance to it, but it’s often subtle, and comparing them with activities like working. After examining different scenarios and images and feelings, I came to this conclusion that probably there is a key different between writing this post and working, and this is about defining success and failure and getting positive or negative feedback. Something like drinking tea or writing log post doesn’t feel like a failure, and a lot of times has a subtle pleasant feeling as a feedback too, but a lot of times working feels/looks like a failure and has negative feeling with it. Why?



maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.

It’s the end of month now (with out calendar, Persian/Jalali calendar), other than today there is only two days left of this month, and I have worked only 10 hours so far, so I won’t be able to have enough hours to cover the expenses. As a result of that, in the last days this thought regularly was coming to my mind as a plan, that I should work 8-10 hours in the days left, to at least cover the main expenses, and also to make it look like I haven’t failed terribly. And now several hours after waking up, I know that I can’t possibly work for 10 hours today, and I should accept this reality, but the resistance is that I can’t accept it, it’s a failure. To start to work now, means that I am accepting that I won’t be able to reach that perfect goal that I had in mind, and since I don’t like to accept it, I don’t start, and when I start, immediately I look for other activities to do. Working for 3 hours doesn’t give a positive feedback that I worked for 3 hours, it gives a negative feedback that I couldn’t work for 8-10 hours, and it gives another negative feedback that considering today, tomorrow I won’t be able to work for 8-10 hours too. So today’s 3 hours work, is today’s failure, and if I make it happen and accept it, it means that I should accept tomorrow’s failure (tomorrow’s 3 hours) too, even if I could do that. So I just don’t start in the first place, maybe desperately hoping that this whole setup would change. I return back to the past and start the month differently, or go 10 more years back to start a different kind of life style. I heard someone said something about these situations, which I think probably is true about me here. Meaning that, I can’t accept this reality that 28 days of this month have passed and I have worked only 10 hours, because I can’t forgive myself for these 28 days. Sorry for typos, I can’t go back to read it again.

ah, my friend. I love you. This just breaks my heart. Let me know if you need a cash infusion, i'll rob a fucking bank or something.

p.s. quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 8:26 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.


All my colleagues are very good, honest and decent people, and they always appreciate my work. Although there was a manager in the other company that our company is working with, and that person always causes immense suffering for themeselves and for our team, because they are a very selfish, arrogant and narcissistic person, and just hates our manager. Today I heard that they have replaced that person with someone that is a good person, and knows their shit well. That can be a good news for many people related to our work.

quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

If you don't have experiences like, you want to do something that can take only an hour, but you haven't been able to do it in days, months, years, then probably these feelings/states are not familiar to you.


Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/19/20 9:02 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, May 19, 2020, 6:18 PM

A few weeks ago I was asleep at night and woke up by my phone ringing, it was an old friend (we are friends for 28 something years), he had called me a minute before that and I had answered without waking up, so he had called again. He said I was worried and just wanted to hear your voice, so we ended the call.

He called again a week or so later, and I didn’t respond, wasn’t in a mood to talk, and later sent him a message that I am fine, I’ll call you later, but I didn’t.

Again he called 3 days ago, and I didn’t respond. I was in a much worse mood. Then he called the next day and again I didn’t respond and sent him a message that I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow. He sent a few messages saying that I was getting a very very intense feeling of missing you suddenly during these weeks, that I become very worried thinking that there is something terribly wrong going on with you. That was how he described it. So I finally called him today, and he said the same thing, that suddenly I start missing you very intensely to a point that I lose myself becoming very worried, so I just wanted to hear your voice and see that you are ok, and the first time I called I didn’t even check the time and just wanted to call. So we talked for half an hour or so, and I guess it was a reassurance for him that I am ok.

But it was kind of strange. Although not strange to me, but maybe for some people, since I have observed many things many times like this, that you feel something is going on with someone without talking to them or without knowing anything about their current situation.

Anyway, there was nothing better than this to share for now. At least writing some words here makes a little difference.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:31 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 5:48 PM

I was expecting that the symptoms of sickness return with high intensity in the last few days, according to the pattern that it had during these weeks, but they haven’t. It can be a sign that it has started to recover, I hope.

For 2-3 days I wasn’t able to eat any food, and there was a mess yesterday morning, that I had to vomit everything that was in my stomach, the the show started even before I could reach the bathroom.

There was another mess at night. A thunder storm started, and some minutes later it started raining as crazy and mad as it could be. Two windows were open in the kitchen and the other room, and I waited only less than a minute to get up and close them, but water was everywhere already, and it took a while to clean it and empty the water.

An hour ago I finally could eat some chicken, and the body lost its energy after that and became very tired. I guess it tries to digest the food. Going to bed, to maybe do a little practice.

Just wrote this to delete the previous one.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:41 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
maybe you're getting shit feedback at work.


All my colleagues are very good, honest and decent people, and they always appreciate my work. Although there was a manager in the other company that our company is working with, and that person always causes immense suffering for themeselves and for our team, because they are a very selfish, arrogant and narcissistic person, and just hates our manager. Today I heard that they have replaced that person with someone that is a good person, and knows their shit well. That can be a good news for many people related to our work.

quit beating the shit out of yourself over nonsense, you fucking idiot.

If you don't have experiences like, you want to do something that can take only an hour, but you haven't been able to do it in days, months, years, then probably these feelings/states are not familiar to you.


Thanks.

forgive me twice, for my presumption, my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:42 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tuesday, May 19, 2020, 6:18 PM

A few weeks ago I was asleep at night and woke up by my phone ringing, it was an old friend (we are friends for 28 something years), he had called me a minute before that and I had answered without waking up, so he had called again. He said I was worried and just wanted to hear your voice, so we ended the call.

He called again a week or so later, and I didn’t respond, wasn’t in a mood to talk, and later sent him a message that I am fine, I’ll call you later, but I didn’t.

Again he called 3 days ago, and I didn’t respond. I was in a much worse mood. Then he called the next day and again I didn’t respond and sent him a message that I’ll call you later tonight or tomorrow. He sent a few messages saying that I was getting a very very intense feeling of missing you suddenly during these weeks, that I become very worried thinking that there is something terribly wrong going on with you. That was how he described it. So I finally called him today, and he said the same thing, that suddenly I start missing you very intensely to a point that I lose myself becoming very worried, so I just wanted to hear your voice and see that you are ok, and the first time I called I didn’t even check the time and just wanted to call. So we talked for half an hour or so, and I guess it was a reassurance for him that I am ok.

But it was kind of strange. Although not strange to me, but maybe for some people, since I have observed many things many times like this, that you feel something is going on with someone without talking to them or without knowing anything about their current situation.

Anyway, there was nothing better than this to share for now. At least writing some words here makes a little difference.
i hope i'm not that friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:43 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, May 20, 2020, 5:48 PM

I was expecting that the symptoms of sickness return with high intensity in the last few days, according to the pattern that it had during these weeks, but they haven’t. It can be a sign that it has started to recover, I hope.

For 2-3 days I wasn’t able to eat any food, and there was a mess yesterday morning, that I had to vomit everything that was in my stomach, the the show started even before I could reach the bathroom.

There was another mess at night. A thunder storm started, and some minutes later it started raining as crazy and mad as it could be. Two windows were open in the kitchen and the other room, and I waited only less than a minute to get up and close them, but water was everywhere already, and it took a while to clean it and empty the water.

An hour ago I finally could eat some chicken, and the body lost its energy after that and became very tired. I guess it tries to digest the food. Going to bed, to maybe do a little practice.

Just wrote this to delete the previous one.

It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:50 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
i hope i'm not that friend.

No, you are not! He is another friend emoticon !

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 8:51 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.


What a dream!
That would mean that Kafka was miserable enough!?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/20/20 9:21 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
It's like you're living in a dream out of a Kafka novel, from my distance.


What a dream!
That would mean that Kafka was miserable enough!?


a Master of Miserable Enough.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 8:45 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 22, 2020, 5:58 PM

Fortunately the symptoms of sickness have not returned, and yesterday and today there were less negative emotions. Body is still weak, and there is lack of energy, and problem with eating, but I have been able to eat some yesterday and today.

I am coming to this conclusion that I need to reframe things related to work and other things that I have resistance for. Currently whenever any thought related to work comes to mind, it feels like a burden, that it’s an unpleasant thing to do that has no positive outcome. I should replace this mentality with this other one, that it’s good that I have a job, that I can work and earn money. It could be the other way, and it would be a lot worse than this. Also I should remind myself how it was in the past, that I used to enjoy working, enjoy coding and solving problems. This reminded me of what one of my friends used to say (Not as a positive thing according to him), that he used to say: “You like solving problems, so you try to turn everything into a problem, solve it, put it aside, and then start looking for another problem!”.

The other thing that is related to this resistance, is that it feels that this situation won’t change. No matter what I do, it won’t be enough, it won’t be good or normal again, since it’s too late, and it’s pointless to try.
It’s obvious that this is not true, and it will change, and any amount of work toward positive is good, but this needs to be reminded again and again and again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 12:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 22, 2020, 10:07 PM

I was sitting there, trying to reframe things! so that I could start to work. But I got tired, and took that reframing to bed with me and turned it into a metta practice, mostly toward myself, and did it for about an hour there. Started feeling a little better, I was forcing a half smile too. 

So got up, and came back to do it again. But each time bringing it to mind feels like not having air to breathe, and the next thing that comes to mind is, let’s go to bed. Then decided to force myself to start, and if I couldn’t do it, I can end it after a few minutes. So started, and worked for two plus hours, just applying similar force again and again.

Then sent the report for this month. No one likes to read such reports and no one likes to write such reports. It was painful.

At least this was just a little good karma, and little relief.

The is my practice now, in case you are wondering how is this related to a practice log.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/22/20 6:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, May 23, 2020, 3:15 AM

It seems that there has been a shift in experience today.
I did an hour plus sit, and similar to a number of times in the past, concentration was causing frequent yawning. And at the end there is strong sleepiness now. This sleepiness is not related to sleep. It has been happening periodically for sometime now, and when it arises, for some day there is this strong sleepiness, that body feels like it hasn't slept for a few days.

Also there is a change in the pain that arises in the back as a result of practice. Often it's in a few small points, that is a sharp or strong pain in just those points. Now the intensity of pain is lesser, but it's in a large area in the left side of the back. This has showed up a few times in the last days, but it was only for a few minutes each time, but now it has been there for the last couple of hours.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/23/20 3:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
The is my practice now, in case you are wondering how is this related to a practice log.
It hadn't occurred to me to wonder, but now that you mention it, thank [metaphysical or pragmatic Name inserted, according to tsate, style, and tradition, as well as whimsy and sponatneous verbal kriya.]


love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/23/20 5:50 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
[metaphysical or pragmatic Name inserted, according to tsate, style, and tradition, as well as whimsy and sponatneous verbal kriya.]



Curious to know what this was that got replaced!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/24/20 3:43 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, May 24, 2020, 12:48 PM

Yesterday when I woke up I noticed there are aches and pains in the body, and the day before that there was discomfort and itchiness in throat and trachea with occasional coughs, but I was thinking that probably these are the last signs in the process of recovery. But then during the few hours after waking up, all the symptoms returned with high intensity. I was preparing to sit and do some work, but the discomfort raised so much that I couldn’t sit anymore, and I went to bed. Tried to do some practice while in bed, and there was lots of energetic sensations, that then turned into strong pain in the lower back and base of spine.

Fell asleep, and was there in bed for 10-15 hours maybe, and there was a lot of dreams, some of them of a kind that I hadn’t for a while, that I jump from a high place and stay in the air for sometime but land safely, or I come down from a high wall very easily like it’s horizontal and I walk down.

During some of the dreams I think I had some awareness going on, or maybe there was some lucidity, since I was waking up but couldn’t get up and that happened a number of times. After I got up, the intensity of pain and other symptoms was the same, but I started feeling better about it. Because this fact that all the symptoms were gone, and then they all came back together, make me almost certain that this sickness is covid (Yeah, I decided to be less skeptical about that), and that feels better than not knowing what it is, since it’s not a normal flu like all the other times before this pandemic.

These last few hours body feels better than morning, so I was able to do some cleaning in the fridge. There was a lot of foods there that I had not been able to eat them while there were still alive, and I had kept them in the fridge to not have them stink. That gives a little relief.

While writing the previous post and before that, there was itching in the palm of left hand. In our culture in Azerbaijan, some people say that if you have itching in your left palm, that means you’ll get money from somewhere. I have observed this many times, and often it has been true for me. So while writing that post, I wanted to mention it, then I thought that most people will take that as nonsense, so I didn’t, and I wasn’t expecting any money from anywhere, but last night after having that itch for the last time, I had a text message from the bank of a money transfer, and the itch was gone after that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 9:17 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 29, 2020, 2:38 AM

/ **
مدتی این مثنوی تاخیر شد
مهلتی بایست تا خون شیر شد

This Mathnawí has been delayed for a while: an interval was needed in order that the blood might turn to milk.

Rumi, Book 2 of Mathnawi, translation by R.A. Nicholson
*/

I have decided to go back to office from Saturday. The country is open, and I have problem working from home, so there is no reason to not go to the office. Although other team members don’t want to come to the office still, but there is another team there, so at least I won’t be alone there all the time.

After this last time that sickness returned 4-5 days ago, it hasn’t returned again. It was intense for two days, but then body started feeling better, and these last two days my energy level is close to normal, despite not eating enough food.

Although I haven’t practiced much these few days, but I notice activity in the mental visual space, that is different from before. It’s not something new and I had it a number of times before. That when practicing, specially if concentration gets a little better, I notice a lot of visual activity in mind, but without seeing any mental image. What Shinzen calls undercurrent activity in mind. It’s like many many images just flash very quickly and pass away, and it’s so fast that you don’t notice the image itself. Like there are tens of images appearing and disappearing in a second, and the overall tone of it is that these are creepy scary images. Sometimes a single image stays a little longer, and I notice some vague face or something there, that are generally creepy/scary. For instance one that I remembered was a big guy that was sitting on a stair, his arms on his knees, seemed that is thinking about something and is lost in that thought, and his face was a mix of a brown bear and a big cat, probably a lion, but most of his face was nose and mouth.

Today a few hours after I woke up, I remembered that I had a dream about Hokai, and we were talking, but I don’t remember the content. And when waking up, I had a dream that snow was falling with wind, and Stephanie Nash was there talking about the snow, then I noticed that Chris said something about the snow too, but I wasn’t seeing him, but I was seeing Steph very clearly before that.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 7:00 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Today a few hours after I woke up, I remembered that I had a dream about Hokai, and we were talking, but I don’t remember the content. And when waking up, I had a dream that snow was falling with wind, and Stephanie Nash was there talking about the snow, then I noticed that Chris said something about the snow too, but I wasn’t seeing him, but I was seeing Steph very clearly before that.

Hey Siavash! It sounds like you have an active dream-life; I remember a majority of my dreams and interestingly I cannot tell if a few of my childhood memories are actually just dreams I had years ago.

I'm wondering whether you put any stock in them...  dreams can be symbolic and really meaningful. I've even experienced certain emotions in dreams that I just haven't had in real, waking life. 

That being said, I also notice that when I think of something often enough, the dreams start integrating those themes over time. For instance, after a break up last year, I have dreams a few times a week where my ex is an important character. I've had dreams about crushes. I've had dreams about my education (classic "I forgot to do any work for this college course and the final exam is today") because I used to be so stressed at university.

Lastly, I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum). Some of these dreams include actual meditation, or instruction, or friendship, or demonic themes, or understandings about life in general.

The thing is, I've always chalked it up to the fact that this stuff is on my mind on a daily basis and this is just another way for the mind to integrate that information. What's your take on it? 

Glad to hear that you're slowly feeling better and healing up!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/28/20 7:53 PM as a reply to Hibiscus Kid.
Hey Hibiscus Kid,
Thank you so much for your kind words.

About dreams, yeah they are an important part of my life, they have always been. I think there are different kinds of them, in terms of their importance or sense of having meaning etc, I haven't thought much about categorizing them though. But I've had enough of dreams to think that there are dreams that have signs about what will happen in near future, or what recently has happened that I don't know about it consciously. This last few weeks I had several of them, very clearly telling things about what was going on with my family that I didn't know about and learned later. Some of the dreams were after those events, some were before those events, in terms of the time on the clock/calendar. And this is the way it has always been. I have clear memories of dreams in childhood telling things about what happened the day after them. We can say this is delusion, but then we should think seriously about many other things that we don't label with delusion. I often don't make decisions based on the dreams, but if I have to make some decision and I have negative dreams about that, then often I wait for sometime to have more time to think about it before making that decision.

I have that experience too, that sometimes I am not sure a certain memory was about a dream or something that happened outside dreams.

What I really think, is that we almost don't know anything about dream world in general. Those who have observed and investigated it for a long time, probably know a little more. And in terms of meaning, except maybe for dreams that are forced by the conditions of body, like you have to pee and you see dreams of looking for a bathroom in a crowded place somewhere, I think most of our dreams have much more meaning embeded in them than our waking life, and have more emotional quality. The things that we are afraid to face, we face them in manageable doses in dreams.

About dreams being something just in our minds, ok, but then what is mind? Is the external reality that we perceive is something completely external to our minds? My answer is, I don't know, but I take the dream world seriously.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 11:16 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, May 29, 2020, 8:27 PM

This last day I couldn’t do much practice while sitting, so when I went to bed in the morning, I decided to stay awake as long as I can and practice there, and started focusing on my lips touching each other. As a result, for a big portion of the time I was in bed, I was awake, or that I was asleep but had awareness of my body and dreams. There was a lot of dreams, and I remembered some of them clearly. Some of them were seen as first person, but some as third person, the ones that I was aware of being in bed and dreaming and also practicing. But at those times, when I was trying to clarify it in my mind that I am dreaming and I am aware of it, then the dreams would start to turn into normal thoughts in mind. A few times I noticed some shift in how I was perceiving the meditation object, my face and lips, but I don’t know if that was related to the shift from wakefulness to sleep or not.

After waking up, it seems that the energy level is higher than normal. It’s like the times that I am working on a complex design issue at work, and I don’t have any solutions for it, but then a flood of ideas comes, and the energy increases and I start to act, walk,  think, type in a fast and precise way and try to turn the mix of that energy and those ideas into something useful. So there is a strong urge to do something, but not any specific thing.

I have started reading Michael Taft’s book today. Will be prepared to go to office tomorrow, and definitely it feels like a new start.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:31 PM as a reply to Hibiscus Kid.
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:39 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

I have Chris pop out only during my meditations thankfully (I see his scary avatar), and in such instance I follow the good old Zen proverb "If you meet Chris on the road, kill him" emoticon 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:40 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:41 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon

I have Chris pop out only during my meditations thankfully (I see his scary avatar), and in such instance I follow the good old Zen proverb "If you meet Chris on the road, kill him" emoticon 



emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 1:57 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 3:01 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


Well then, you must be at least qualified to be gored by a cow protecting her calf emoticon 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:41 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

No problem here, kids. One good script, here, and badda-bing, badda-boom. Everyone involved so far gets a point of the gross, except Chris, whose real-life killing on the road by a rabid cult member is the scandalous True Story on which the whole shebang is based. He died for our sins, despite trying to be a fucking arhant and not a fucking messiah. but jesus wanted to be a fucking prophet. and, well, oops. you can't always get what you want, chris. I'll see that your wife gets your share.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:44 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
Chris Marti:
"If you meet Chris on the road, kill him"

I appreciate this kind offer of a promotion, but I must decline. I'm just not qualified.


Well then, you must be at least qualified to be gored by a cow protecting her calf emoticon 


Don't be modest, Chris. You are eminently qualified to be killed on the road. We'll have it done as a drive-by, to save on costs. Your wife, uh, widow, gets a point of the gross on the movie and paperback, and all foreign rights.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/29/20 9:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Chris Marti:
I've even had dreams about meditation and various practitioners: Daniel Ingram has popped up quite a few times, Shannon Stein as well, Chris Marti popped up once, and Noah D (another practitioner on this forum).

My agent will be in touch with both of you forthwith. Good job posting this stuff for us to find, and monetize  emoticon


Haha emoticon
Then I'll have a dream about your agent emoticon

Still I can't find how it can be monetized! Another proof that I am not good for business! ;)

Shrwoush, don't worry about the monetization, you're the talent. Just take care of your pretty little self and don't get caught with your pants down.

Obviously, this entire riot crew shares in my regret for storming in here and trashing your somber, sober, sane practice thread. It is unfortunate, in these difficult times, that such vandal crews roam our forums, raising havoc as they will. I vow, as the moderator to succeed the late lamented Christ Marti, tragically killed in the road by a devout, somewhat literalist zen monk, that i will do everything i can to not get killed in the road.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 2:11 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Shrwoush, don't worry about the monetization, you're the talent. Just take care of your pretty little self and don't get caught with your pants down.

Obviously, this entire riot crew shares in my regret for storming in here and trashing your somber, sober, sane practice thread. It is unfortunate, in these difficult times, that such vandal crews roam our forums, raising havoc as they will. I vow, as the moderator to succeed the late lamented Christ Marti, tragically killed in the road by a devout, somewhat literalist zen monk, that i will do everything i can to not get killed in the road.


Hey, do what ever you wish!
We appreciate storms around here emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 2:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Shroush, i thought you probably did.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
5/30/20 6:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
package com.life.practice;

/**
 * Class NewStart
 * @author Yeah
 * Created on Saturday, May 30, 2020, 3:43 PM
 */

public class NewStart {

    public static void main(String[] args) {
        System.out.println("\nHello World Again! emoticon\n");
    }
}

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 11:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020, 8:20 PM

I read this report about this woman that is struggling with covid for 90+ days, and still tests positive. Her sickness pattern looks similar to mine, and probably I "belong to the club" too, and it may not go away in the near future.

https://www.sfchronicle.com/bayarea/article/The-curious-case-of-the-SF-doctor-who-s-been-15304660.php#photo-19472611

After this last time that I started feeling much better than before and started going to office since Saturday, it came back again more than 2 days ago. First day it was mild, but yesterday and today there was so much pain in the body, and some dry coughs last two days with some other milder symptoms. And an unbroken headaches for two days. Although it feels better in this last hours.

But I did go to office last 3 days and did some work. Today I was home because we had a meeting with colleagues (for 4 hours) that I didn't want to have it in the office.
Probably because I've started working, emotionally it feels much better and my energy level is good. Since I was home for 3 months, this 3 days of going to work which involves more than an hour of walking while having my laptop and other things with me and standing in crowded buses, has made the body quite tired. Tomorrow is holiday and then weekends, but next week I'll have a busy week probably, to go to the bank to fix some bugs in the servers.

When you work again, you feel alive again.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 12:15 PM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Hang in there, my friend. Stop and smell the roses through your face mask. Let the healing things heal, while the wreckers wreck. You've got this.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/2/20 12:57 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim,

Stop and smell the roses through your face mask.

Yeah, I always do.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 5:27 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I used to listen to this for hours and just sway back and forth and right and left.

I remembered it today. It was a gift from divine to my hell.

It's one of the best poems of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi, and they've done a great job on the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y36g1R41fM

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 10:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 9, 2020, 7:21 PM

About 6 months ago I started to have neck problem, that had pain and would cause numbness in my head and face. It started using a neck support brace, and it went one for about a week, but then got better and I stopped using it. Also I became skeptical about the cause of the problem, was it a health problem, or related to anxiety or this Kundalini energy in the base of spine.

After I started working last week, things were going fine. A water leakage problem showed up in the shower, that I was worried to have it since I had a dream about it two days before that, and that created some anxiety, but I fixed it. Then did fire kasina for two three days. Then this neck problem showed up again.

Started using neck support again. I was often ok when I was sitting, and it was ok after falling asleep and during period of waking up in the middle of sleep, but when I wanted to go to bed, it was coming back, and any little movement was causing numbness in some part of the body. It went on like this a a few days since about a week ago, then I noticed that when I get relaxed or when I use a half a pill Alprazolam because of its anxiety, all numbnesses go away. I began to conclude that it’s not much related to health, and again my mind is presenting me with a seemingly serious health issue. It seems that a force inside me tries to kill me, or tries to show me how it is to die or get destroyed.

Saturday we went to bank to work on some problems there, and I had a very productive day, and I led two other colleagues to fix a problem in 5-6 hours that we had estimated to work on it for 3-4 days. But there was so much negative emotions, some maybe related to this neck issue, that at some points I was gasping for air. That negativity has continued since then, and has caused problem with working.

Last few days I was forced to practice more, because there are discomforts seemingly related to this neck issue, and when I practice their intensity decrease. Those beautiful bright violet/purple colors have showed up in visual field since yesterday, and they arise often with eyes open or closed. I’ve started to do some serious changes in some other negative habits that I have, that are destructive. Reading Michael Taft’s book, The Mindful Geek, it’s very easy to read and follow.

Fortunately the symptoms of sickness have not returned for about a week, except some mild ones and discomfort in the throat. But the numbers of sick people has increased recently. 7 people on my family and my sister’s family are sick currently, fortunately it’s not so intense for them.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 1:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
I used to listen to this for hours and just sway back and forth and right and left.

I remembered it today. It was a gift from divine to my hell.

It's one of the best poems of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi, and they've done a great job on the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y36g1R41fM

ahhh, i love this, and am swaying back and forth. Do you know the text? any chance of me getting lyrics. (I posted it in the writing workshop, lol. Get them all swaying back and forth!)

love, from my hell to yours, and to the divine, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 2:09 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
I used to listen to this for hours and just sway back and forth and right and left.

I remembered it today. It was a gift from divine to my hell.

It's one of the best poems of Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi, and they've done a great job on the music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Y36g1R41fM

ahhh, i love this, and am swaying back and forth. Do you know the text? any chance of me getting lyrics. (I posted it in the writing workshop, lol. Get them all swaying back and forth!)

love, from my hell to yours, and to the divine, tim


emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 2:57 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Have you ever considered that your health problems and pain may be a way for your subconsciousness to tell you what issues you need to deal with in your practice? I tend to have what I call spiritosomatic pain. Surprisingly many times it has turned out that some pain that seemed so very physical disappeared totally as soon as I had an insight related to the chakra where the pain was. Neck pain would be the throat chakra which deals with speech: being able to communicate freely and giving a voice to what needs to be said on the one hand and not being too invested in expressing self on the other hand. The situations you mention seem like they could actualize such issues. Think about it, and try it out if it makes sense, or ignore it if it doesn't. Best wishes!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/9/20 3:37 PM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
Have you ever considered that your health problems and pain may be a way for your subconsciousness to tell you what issues you need to deal with in your practice? I tend to have what I call spiritosomatic pain. Surprisingly many times it has turned out that some pain that seemed so very physical disappeared totally as soon as I had an insight related to the chakra where the pain was. Neck pain would be the throat chakra which deals with speech: being able to communicate freely and giving a voice to what needs to be said on the one hand and not being too invested in expressing self on the other hand. The situations you mention seem like they could actualize such issues. Think about it, and try it out if it makes sense, or ignore it if it doesn't. Best wishes!


Thanks Linda, great point.
I had thought about this before, but never took it seriously. You are right, I should take it seriously.
I should have problem around throat chakra. When energetic sensations increase, I feel sensations in my throat like I am being strangled with a rope. And I had problem with speech since childhood. And I thinkg there are similar problems around all other chakras too.
Thanks for the advice.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/10/20 6:32 AM as a reply to Siavash.
If that's the case, I would indeed take it seriously. The way I see it, the chakras are sort of a symbolic language. It sounds like your subconscious is screaming for you to deal with those issues. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/10/20 6:59 AM as a reply to Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö.
Linda ”Polly Ester” Ö:
If that's the case, I would indeed take it seriously. The way I see it, the chakras are sort of a symbolic language. It sounds like your subconscious is screaming for you to deal with those issues. 


Any suggestion?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 6:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 3:05 AM

These 10 days, since previous report, I was using the body as the object mostly. The issues that I had that thought are related to my neck, continued for a few more days. Although there wasn’t much numbness like it was in the beginning, but I would get pain in my arms and legs, specially around knees and elbows, and my legs. arms, feet and hands would feel cold and weaker. But sa I observed it, it became clearer that there should not be a health issue, at least not a serious one. I had noticed it before, that during this cycling, whatever that is, sometimes my feet and hands feel cold and less strong. And these weeks, the anxiety and other emotions had made it look like a problem. Also part of it seems to be related to the kundalini energy.

For most of this 10 days, I’ve been practicing more than my usual, maybe 3-8 hours a day most days, and I practiced on chakras, and energy channels, and also the sensations that seemed to be related to this energy. Some painful, some itchy, some tingly, occasionally some pleasant.

I finally applied for a new (smart!) ID card, and then yesterday was able to renew one of my bank cards that I wanted to renew, and that was a huge relief. There was another positive event yesterday, that brought some joy. And after quite a while, yesterday I felt joyful.

After a week of focusing on the body and chakras, I was expecting to see some change related to the energetic sensations. I don’t mean a positive change, but at least an obvious change. But most of the sensations were similar to before, same pains same itches, etc. Two days ago I started doing some Chi Kung movements using youtube videos of a guy that was mentioned in Chris’ journal. In the past I had interest in martial arts, specially Chinese ones that use circular movements, and I had practiced it for a little while. So I like it and find it beautiful. After I moved the body a little bit, I noticed some new sensations related to this energy. New kinds of pains, new locations for pains, and more tingles and pins and needles. I’ll continue doing it, and see what happens. Actually I started doing it first around 3 months ago, and did it for 10 days maybe, but then that sickness changed things.

About sickness, I had not any symptoms for more than two weeks maybe. Except two days ago I started having discomfort in my throat and trachea, and then had fatigue and body aches for about a day, but they are gone now mostly.

Tonight after I woke up, there was a deep tranquility and equanimity. The kind that I have occasionally, that I can sit for hours not doing anything. And posture feels good and stable and solid. Whatever.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 7:24 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 4:49 AM

This happened another times two days ago, that intention about sleep changed the way I experience it in an obvious way. I resolved to stay aware and mindful while falling asleep, during sleep and dreams and while waking up, and then I was in bed for 3-5 hours maybe, and I had a lot of dreams in that period, then I had this thought that, why am I not falling asleep!? Then I remembered this intention that I had to stay aware. I think I had fallen asleep, but there was also some awareness going on. The main thing about that awareness was that I was thinking that I had not fallen asleep, and probably I had some awareness of body too, but I don't remember clearly. But after that thought and reviewing that intetion, I fell asleep and didn't have any awareness that I could know.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 10:08 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 7:25 AM

Just recording to not forget, to use later maybe for pattern recognitions.

More than a year ago for a period of several weeks or months maybe, I was feeling smell of burning a lot of times. There was different flavors of that smell, but most often it was not exactly like burning, mostly the smell that you get from electronics when you open the stomack of a computer case. But then it went away. During the last week, again I sometimes feel that smell but it happens much less frequently.

Also it happened a few times these days that while practicing, I started feeling smell of 
sewage, and a few times I had smell of a very nice perfume after that.

I had another one that I guess is new, and it happened two or three times, that when concentration was getting better, I was having the feeling and smell of dust, as if there are a lot of dust in the air that has strong smell and makes it hard to breathe, but they were short, and only lasted maybe 10-20 seconds.

Since 3 days ago I guess, I had a strong feeling of nausea most of the time, that was making it hard to eat food, it has gone away mostly but still I have it. I think this too is related to the practice/cycling/kundalini or whatever that is.

Also it happens more frequently these days, during the practice, there are shifts and wiggles in the visual field, that seems that in just a moment the whole visual field moved/turned and then returned back to its position. Sometimes, less often, there is a similar feeling that the ground has been ripped away, and I just start to float but then return back to normal. It all happens in a moment so there is no sensible feeling of floating.

Fatigue, aches and pains and low energy is back in the last few hours, although the pain are mild. And there are more vibrations, pulsing and subtle throbbings since starting that chi gong movements.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/18/20 10:36 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 19, 2020, 7:49 AM

I have started to think that a lot of the things that I (and others) have attribued to health or other things in my body, are likely to be related to kundalini energy.
One of the symtoms of this thing that I thought is a neck problem, was that I get pain in my earlobes, and it was strange how it could be related to neck, but it was happening along with numbness and etc, so I had a question mark in front of that. I remembered now that I have this pain for a long time, except that it has occured less often in recent years, and I would think that probably it's because of using my glasses all the time, that the point of touch between glasses and earlobes becomes uncomfortable. But this last week I noticed that it comes and goes related to the energy activation, not glasses, and not a neck problem.

Also the pain that I've had in my back, one in the base of spine and the other in the middle of the spine, seems to be related to this energy. I've had it for 15-20 years. I sometimes have itches on the tale bone, which I think I've had it maybe from my 20' or maybe from childhood, I don't remember, but that one is obviously related to this energy, and I get it a lot after starting meditation practice.

-- Edit:
Oh, I forgot it again. Yesterday before sleep I was practicing and was focused on the sensations of relaxation in my hands. I had become sleepy, and at some point I noticed that my perception of that sensations has changed. Maybe this was the first time that I had this feeling/perception, but I was thinking/feeling clearly that my finger is one thing, and this sensation of relaxaion/tingling is another thing around it, separate from it, like a halo around a flame that looks different and separate from the flame. It was both strange and very obvious.

It happened a few times while writing these posts that it felt like the visual field, or this laptop in front of me, moved or changed it position and gave this impression that I have to adjust it/myself again. Just a moment though.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/19/20 4:48 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, June 19, 2020, 7:49 AM

I have started to think that a lot of the things that I (and others) have attribued to health or other things in my body, are likely to be related to kundalini energy.
One of the symtoms of this thing that I thought is a neck problem, was that I get pain in my earlobes, and it was strange how it could be related to neck, but it was happening along with numbness and etc, so I had a question mark in front of that. I remembered now that I have this pain for a long time, except that it has occured less often in recent years, and I would think that probably it's because of using my glasses all the time, that the point of touch between glasses and earlobes becomes uncomfortable. But this last week I noticed that it comes and goes related to the energy activation, not glasses, and not a neck problem.

Also the pain that I've had in my back, one in the base of spine and the other in the middle of the spine, seems to be related to this energy. I've had it for 15-20 years. I sometimes have itches on the tale bone, which I think I've had it maybe from my 20' or maybe from childhood, I don't remember, but that one is obviously related to this energy, and I get it a lot after starting meditation practice.

-- Edit:
Oh, I forgot it again. Yesterday before sleep I was practicing and was focused on the sensations of relaxation in my hands. I had become sleepy, and at some point I noticed that my perception of that sensations has changed. Maybe this was the first time that I had this feeling/perception, but I was thinking/feeling clearly that my finger is one thing, and this sensation of relaxaion/tingling is another thing around it, separate from it, like a halo around a flame that looks different and separate from the flame. It was both strange and very obvious.

It happened a few times while writing these posts that it felt like the visual field, or this laptop in front of me, moved or changed it position and gave this impression that I have to adjust it/myself again. Just a moment though.


This is way over my head, my friend. I will give Linda, who is the best kundalini person i know enough to ask, to give this a look. and we'll just pray for help with this. This forum has got a state of the art crew, and hopefully someone will find their way here. yes?

love, tim

p.s. i can tell you to hang in there and tough it out, lol. and that i love you.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/19/20 3:47 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
p.s. i can tell you to hang in there and tough it out, lol. and that i love you.


Thanks Tim. That's all one needs to hear.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/24/20 5:20 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, June 25, 2020, 2:23 AM

I’ve continued with focusing on the body and sometimes other modalities for the last days. The painful sensations related to Kundalini energy are there. Some new kinds of pain have showed up, and some new locations for pains, some very strong. For instance I started to have a strong pain in the abdomen, a little below and left to the belly button, one inch inside, that I’ve never had it before, and sometimes it gets pretty strong. But so far I don’t have any problem with physicals pains. I welcome them whenever they want to arise. Often they increase when I relax the body and focus on relaxation, that some hard and some sharp pains start to jump around in the body. Often it feels like my bones are getting crushed under a heavy pressure. Some of them feel like a stab with a knife or a hot knife.

I’ve been quite skeptical about cycling before, at least in my own experience, but as I observe more and more, I notice that there are cyclings in different levels/layers that are always(?) going on. Some experiences repeat in a larger time scale, once in months for instance, and some once in weeks or days, and some repeat several times in a day.

Two nights ago, I noticed that for a few hours, aversion and disgust was prominent in my experience, and also there was an strong urge to get results out of practice. Then there was anxiety and restlessness for some hours. There was also spaciousness sometimes. But for most part, there wasn’t much energetic sensations. Then last night suddenly energy increased, and just 1-2 seconds of focusing on something was causing intense buzzy vibrations in head and bright lights and energetic sensations in the back and hips. But they subsided after an hour or two.

Last night there was a mix of intense unpleasant emotions. Very unpleasant. Then I tried to sleep, and I had a dream that I had an unusual fight with my father, but just at the point that the fight was getting worse, I woke up, and immediately, maybe after a second, I started sending metta to my father, and it changed the experience. The upset and angry images of my father that was in my mind at that point, got replaced by happy images of him, that he was content and was smiling. I call my parents house everyday, and when I called tonight, my mother said that, today when I went to living room, I saw that your father is crying, and I asked why are you crying? He said, why siavash doesn’t come here, he must have a problem that you are hiding from me.. . It’s 11 months now that I haven’t been there. I wanted to go there in March, but this pandemic changed it. So I tried to give them some reassurance that it was all because of pandemic, and I’ll be there in a few weeks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/25/20 6:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Thursday, June 25, 2020, 2:23 AM

I’ve continued with focusing on the body and sometimes other modalities for the last days. The painful sensations related to Kundalini energy are there. Some new kinds of pain have showed up, and some new locations for pains, some very strong. For instance I started to have a strong pain in the abdomen, a little below and left to the belly button, one inch inside, that I’ve never had it before, and sometimes it gets pretty strong. But so far I don’t have any problem with physicals pains. I welcome them whenever they want to arise. Often they increase when I relax the body and focus on relaxation, that some hard and some sharp pains start to jump around in the body. Often it feels like my bones are getting crushed under a heavy pressure. Some of them feel like a stab with a knife or a hot knife.

I’ve been quite skeptical about cycling before, at least in my own experience, but as I observe more and more, I notice that there are cyclings in different levels/layers that are always(?) going on. Some experiences repeat in a larger time scale, once in months for instance, and some once in weeks or days, and some repeat several times in a day.

Two nights ago, I noticed that for a few hours, aversion and disgust was prominent in my experience, and also there was an strong urge to get results out of practice. Then there was anxiety and restlessness for some hours. There was also spaciousness sometimes. But for most part, there wasn’t much energetic sensations. Then last night suddenly energy increased, and just 1-2 seconds of focusing on something was causing intense buzzy vibrations in head and bright lights and energetic sensations in the back and hips. But they subsided after an hour or two.

Last night there was a mix of intense unpleasant emotions. Very unpleasant. Then I tried to sleep, and I had a dream that I had an unusual fight with my father, but just at the point that the fight was getting worse, I woke up, and immediately, maybe after a second, I started sending metta to my father, and it changed the experience. The upset and angry images of my father that was in my mind at that point, got replaced by happy images of him, that he was content and was smiling. I call my parents house everyday, and when I called tonight, my mother said that, today when I went to living room, I saw that your father is crying, and I asked why are you crying? He said, why siavash doesn’t come here, he must have a problem that you are hiding from me.. . It’s 11 months now that I haven’t been there. I wanted to go there in March, but this pandemic changed it. So I tried to give them some reassurance that it was all because of pandemic, and I’ll be there in a few weeks.

Srouwb, how far away are they? go, man. fuck this plague.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/25/20 12:44 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
400-450 miles maybe. I usually go with train, which takes around 11 hours. And since I can't sleep there, it costs me two days.

But yeah, I'll do in a few weeks.
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/25/20 3:47 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 26, 2020, 12:59 AM

These last two days, or maybe three days, but mostly last night and tonight, there is a strong restlessness, mostly looks mental but it manifests physically also, that feels like there is a deep dissatisfaction inside, that there is something wrong, and there is a strong craving for craving or for pleasure or for satisfaction. My mind looks for activities that could bring satisfaction, but none could. I don’t know if this is related to practice and states/stages, or just pure unpleasant emotions because I have trouble working, or a mix of both. Probably both have some share.

Earlier tonight I was angry/impatient, and I had to remove a few comments that I wrote on social media because their tone was harsh, then for about an hour maybe the anger/aversion/impatience subsided, but has returned again. I had periods in the past, a few years during high school, and some years in my 20’s that I used to be angry, but these days it doesn’t happen often. But when it happens, my language becomes pretty harsh and unpleasant for others. I need to handle it better, but also some part of me says, let it out, let it be harsh.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/26/20 12:20 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, June 26, 2020, 9:40 AM

For this past 6-7 years maybe, breathing always has some problem for me, because it feels that there are some knots and tension in the abdomen, always. That when exhaling, the air never empties out completely, and all out-breaths end with a muscle contraction in the abdomen, and some air stay inside. Which is unpleasant. Practice has not cured it. It was worse before, and practice has made it a little smoother, but not much.

That thing that I mentioned before, this zap in the jaw, that the jaw suddently closes, and causes fear of biting/cutting my tongue, often happen a few times a day maximum, when I am sleepy or falling asleep. A few hours ago it happened a few times in less than an hour, and made me worried. So I decided I need to deal with it. While reclining, for about 80-90 minutes I focused on the jaw, face, mouth, and throat, mostly. It hasn't happened again since then. But what I noticed while doing this, was that there was less tension in the abdomen, and I noticed that I breathe much easily and out-breaths go almost to the end without much interrupt/contraction. It was a surprise. Still there is tension in the abdomen, but it feels like I am breathing easily. I am guessing that a lot of these pains that I have related to energy, and also the difficulty having joy to enter jhanas, are because of this tension in the breathing. When I get relaxed and concentrated, breath cycle becomes quite long, but it ends with a contraction, and that contraction ruins the whole setup.

A lot of times there are other unpleasant sensations in the throat and breathing pathways that gives the feeling of not having enough air, so the tast for now is to focus on the path from mouth to lower abdomen!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/28/20 6:58 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, June 28, 2020, 3:57 PM

After that 3-4 days that I went to office, that numbnesses arose that I thought is related to neck and spine, and that started another round of intense negative emotions. I couldn’t work for around a week or so after that, but then I could gather myself, and decided that I should solve this issue of not being able to work from home, so I worked for 3-4 days from home, but then again, then of the month came, and the issues related to the end of month and financial issues and sending report of the month and etc. That caused another round of these emotions, that were much more unpleasant this time. After several days, that I was literally wanting to hide most of the time, and was looking for a safe place to hide. Only options was my bed, but that wasn’t safe enough. I was sleeping a lot longer than usual. Then a little openness arose, and I decided that I should limit the work for the office, and try to do it properly so that I don’t worry about the work while I am home. So since yesterday I am coming to office again, and it feels much much better these two days.

Yesterday before going to office, I opened a youtube video that the guy was playing these “Tibetan singing bowls” (Although they say they are not Tibetan), for working with chakras, and I practiced with it for more than an hour, focusing on the sound and body and visual field. That causes some stronger energetic activation, and since then until late evening, there was a lot of energetic sensations in the body. When energy arises in this form, that I get an itch inside my nose, some energetic sensations around the base of spine, eyes closing tightly, buzzy vibrations in head, and bright sparky lights in the vision, which we could say that it’s A&P, mostly it last several seconds and then pass. Which I think could be related to finer scales of cycling, for instance it happens a number of times in an hour long sit. But sometimes, it lasts longer, a few minutes. Sometimes for a longer period, half an hour maybe, these energy rises happen frequently, probably 1-10 times in a minutes, which is related to a bigger scale cycle maybe. But some other times, energy is active for a much longer period, several hours, or a day or several days. Like the one yesterday, that was around half a day, that even while working or walking in the street, I was getting these energy rises that my head was vibrating, and this itching was arising inside nose, plus this feeling and sense of release in my nose and face, along with bright lights and so on. I guess this one is related to a much bigger scale cycling, that its duration is weeks or months probably. Just speculation.

Shargrol had suggested before (in the previous log), to have an intention to see and understand the causes and conditions of confusion and unhelpful suffering. This was in my mind these few days. Also today Daniel’s suggestion to Steph came to my mind, about investigating good old suffering. Also Leigh Brasington’s teachings about noticing vedana came to mind. All of this led me to compare my mind state and emotional state this morning, that was calm and equanimous, with what was last few weeks, full of despair and sadness and restlessness. I asked myself, what is the difference here between this and that. What is different now. I noticed that in this calm state, I am more present with this moment, and there is a being in the center, or zero point, instead of leaning toward this side or that side. And there is a contentment. By this side and that side, I mean wanting and not wanting. I noticed that, in those more unpleasant situations emotionally, open there is two things together. One is these sensations in my face, that are contractions mostly. The other is wanting the current situation to change, or wanting an imagined situation to manifest. And it seems that in the calmer state, attention/awareness is closer, or it’s here, but in the restless situations, attention/awareness is often farther from here, meaning that if often tends to go there, go somewhere else, by there and somewhere else, I mean the craving/aversion, the wanting/not-wanting of a situation or experience, a liking and disliking.

Today I started the day while I was calm and relaxed, then after these notices, I noticed that the calmness is subsiding, and restlessness is arising. It was helpful to notice, that each subtle leaning toward a liking or disliking, immediately changes the mind state from calmness to restlessness. I talked just too much. Enough. Unedited.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
6/29/20 4:25 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, June 30, 2020, 1:42 AM

What I’ve been doing since yesterday:

Relaxing the body frequently. Using Plum Village’ Chrome extension to remind me to relax the body once in 30 minutes.

Paying attention to the cause of unpleasant mins states and emotions, the way I described it before. What is it that keeps me away from the center. Trying to relax that wanting or not wanting and be relaxed about it.

Having whole body space awareness.

Trying to balance effort. It seems that often I am doing just too much. I already have whole body awareness most of the time, and when I stop trying to be more mindful, and not do much, things seems to start moving.

Gained a little more confidence. I used to have a very high confidence, almost unreasonably high confidence in the past, but I’e lost in the last ~10~ years.

Seemingly quicker shifts in experience, most noticeable in visuals in the energy level. A lot a beautiful bright violet colors, with bright white/yellow and black colors mixed with it, that suddenly arise, and melt and morph and expand and contract in a beautiful way, and get more intense, and then goes away.

Had a dream, that two of the people close to me, who have difficulty in their relationship, were talking, and one was sating to the other, that “you’ll get into trouble because of your behavior, one day while you are taking shower, I’ll come and kill you”. Actually that’s something that sometimes I get worried about.

Listening to Rob Burbea’s jhana retreat. I liked it. Practicing with it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/1/20 3:18 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, July 1, 2020, 11:38 AM

Since yesterday, or maybe a day before that, I am tightening my jaw often, both while awake and asleep. This is one of the things that repeats, part of those patterns of cycling. A lot of time when I notice it, I try to relax, but it takes a little while to be able to relax. Specially in the process of waking up if I notice it, sometimes I literally can’t relax it, until I wake up fully and after about 5-10 seconds be able to let go of it.

Last night while practicing, a number of times I made an intention to have a star in the visual field, similar to what one of retreatants in one of fire kasina retreats said, probably Kristofer in Bryngarth one, that you just repeats the intention over and over. But nothing showed up.

Each night before sleep I repeat some metta phrases. Last night before going to bed, and before the usual ones, I did a longer one towards those two close people the I mentioned before, And every good thing that came to the mind, I throw it at them for maybe 5-10 minutes. I liked it myself too. Often these metta phrases doesn’t create any obvious feeling.

Some nights I make the intention to stay aware while falling asleep and during asleep. Last night I modified it a little bit, and said that, while getting the rest that I need, I stay aware… .

Then there was the dreams.
I fell asleep pretty quickly, unlike most nights, although I have sleep deprivation for 4-5 days now. In the dream, I was in a dark room practicing in bed, focusing on the murk, then the murk became bigger, almost size of the room, and 3D star-like colored shapes started falling down from the above, it was like snow of these shapes. Then they increased and everywhere was full of these shapes, falling down, different colors, bright and shiny. I noticed that they are staying on the ground when they reach down, and they were like made of colored construction papers. Most of them had irregular shapes, but similar to a star. I tried to collect them. I noticed that I want more of them, and I want that experience to stay, and there was grasping, and I became worried that what if they disappear. Then I tried to relax that grasping, and instead enjoy it, but that was the end of it.

Another dream, those two close people were there, but it was peaceful. People were waiting for a bigger earthquake after a few smaller ones, but I wasn’t worried and was trying to sleep.

I woke up after about 90 minutes. But I was surprised when I check the clock, because I was feeling that I have slept a lot longer, 5-6 hours or more. I don't know the change in that intention had any effect on this or not.

These few days I am trying to reduce my screen distraction. Often I check certain websites and inboxes and app obsessively, and the context switch between that and other activities burn a lot of energy and time. It’s out of worry and anxiety and that itself brings worry and anxiety.

There are some symptoms again these 2-3 days. Fatigue and low energy. But I don’t want to go there and think about it. Just tired of it.

Woke up earlier than usual today, and there is calmness, and equanimity, with some discomfort in the body related to those symptoms.

-- Edit:
Forgot this. That pleasant wave-like feeling in the legs that I mentioned before, that happens sometimes when I am tired and in bed, happens more frequently, probably because I have sleep deprivation, and sometimes spread to whole body for a few moments. I think it's because body tried to relax, but it can't relax completely, and one part relaxes and the other part tightens up, and this repeats, and that causes this wavy feeling.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/2/20 6:21 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, July 3, 2020, 3:05 AM

A lot of details comes to mind to throw on this wall, but I feel procrastination.

Listening to Rob Burbea’s jhana retreat, I really like and appreciate it. He gives a lot of details that I need, and I haven’t seen it in my limited encounter with other teachers materials.

Practicing with guidelines that he provides, I try to be gentle with paying attention, and have a more spacious awareness. Sometimes I find it hard to do. I’ve almost never been a person of middle way. I go easily to extremes often. I notice that my body mind prefers to either not practice, or pay very close attention that so far comes with rigidity and tensing the body.

I think this has been with me since childhood, that paying attention comes with tensing the body. Closer attention causes more tension, and that has become a habit.

He talked about making habit out of energetic manifestations like movements or jerking and so on. And I think these buzzy vibrations that I have in my head, should fall in that category, because earlier in practice I was taking it to be a sign on concentration, so it has become a wrong habit. I made a resolution to not have these vibrations and let the energy gather and flow freely.

There are different kinds of sensations related to the energy. With painful sensation, I practice imagining and feeling that breath comes into that location and goes out of it, and a bright light or energy spreads into whole body, and often pain goes away after a few minutes. That strong pain that recently had arisen in the abdomen, doesn’t arise much anymore, and instead itching arise in that location. It’s the same for some of the other locations too. Today there is some pain and numbness and heaviness in right arm and left leg, the same sensations that I was thinking are because of the neck and spine problem, but there should be related to the cycling and this energy. There are sometimes other sensations in both locations too, like throbbing.

Since yesterday I was clenching my jaw, also during sleep. I am guessing that it’s probably Fear nana. It has stopped since today evening. Although I’ve slept enough today, but when practicing I become very sleepy, and I had a few episode of dreamy images that convey something quite different than their story. I’ve described this thing before, and I think it’s very important in understanding dreams, that the meaning is conveyed by the relationship between images/thoughts/qualities etc, not the bigger story related to those images. I should find better languaging for this. Rob was talking about first jhana’s factors, but I had in my mind that originally first jhana had 4 factors, and ekagata has been added later, and also I was practicing and was sleepy. I had this dreamy image of stairs of the building, that was saying: “I have one of the neighbors, and now I should go get the other three neighbors, by knocking their door” and I had an image of a woman on the stairs, that was one of the neighbors. But the meaning of these all was this: “I have one of the first jhana factors in place now, which is piti, because there was some mildly pleasant coolness in the body, and I need to word toward the other three factors and have them”! There was another similar episode like this, but I can’t remember it now. I should have written it then.

Last night during the first round of sleep there was some weird dreams. Some of them were related to the intentions that I had, that seemed like manifestations of those intentions. In one, I was naked while being with family and some colleagues, and that was normal. The one that woke me up, I was in my parents house in the living room, which also was the street, one strangers was helping another one, in a very violent way, and the other person seemed to be dying. My father knew them. There was a building there, some center for education maybe, it started to have some explosions, and big metals started flying toward us, like the explosion of the airplane in Lost, I survived that, then the whole building exploded, and burning material went up to sky, it was like whole sky above us was filled with burning lava that had 20 feet diameter/heigh(?), but it was bright white and yellow, and then it was coming down that I woke up. That would vaporize all of us.

I often forget to do those Chi Kung movements. When I remember, part of me says, hey you should practice it everyday and do it now, the other part says, ok thanks but I’ll do it later, and sometimes while these two parts are negotiating or fighting, the third part notices that those two parts are distracted now with their fight, and starts doing the movements. While doing it, part A and B come again and start distracting part C by their fight. Often after starting it, part C wins and finishes the movements. This is the pattern for some of the other activities that I either forget a lot, or have procrastination to do them.

Did I write it all? I don’t know, I’ve forgotten the list.

Oh, it took 42 minutes since I started writing. Damn it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 9:06 AM as a reply to Siavash.
That would vaporize all of us.

 I like to meditate over my own dreams of death. They generally carry a message.



RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 5:13 PM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
That would vaporize all of us.

 I like to meditate over my own dreams of death. They generally carry a message.




You mean while having a dream, or after waking up? How would you do that, if you don't mind sharing it? Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 7:15 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 4, 2020, 4:38 AM

This last day or night or whatever, I slept longer. I was in bed for around 18 hours. It was weekend! There were too many dreams. During some of the earlier ones I was aware of the body, then the main dream of the day came and woke me up. I think these dreams show the development that is taking place. This time, the theme was shame and guilt. I was in a construction site, and a friend was there and asked for a little help, like give that stick to us, and I did, but then it turned out that I have done a terrible thing. The guy that was there, owner of the place, turned out to be a very rich, famous and powerful internationally known person, and I had revealed his secrets, and that this modest site is gonna be a hotel for a queen or someone like that, and the guy was in rage and ridiculing me. A lot of shame and guilt. I was in a freeze state, that I woke up.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/3/20 9:11 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 4, 2020, 6:28 AM

In this past week I had a strong urge to practice, and I was practicing more. Also I had a strong urge to work, since I started working again, and I had some ideas even about starting a project for myself to do some technical work. I was trying to connect with feelings that I had in the past when I was enjoying coding and was very productive and training others and getting praises and such. All of this was kind of good. Now after sleeping that much, I feel tired and in need for sleep, and also I feel a disappointment about all of it. Not much motivation for practice or for work. Probably that dream last night had some effect, or maybe this is part of cycling, I don’t know.

What I see is that, what gives me the most anxiety often, is the thoughts about how others think about me, and that if they think that I have done something wrong or bad. And that dream had this situation on the maximum. That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.

And maybe part of it is because of the situation related to the covid. It turns out that those who have been sick before, can become sick again, and I had symptoms last week for around 3 days, although it was not intense. And the cases are rising again, and the number of younger people who need to be hopitalized has increased, mostly in their 20's, and I’ve decided to only work at office, so I’ll be exposed to it no matter what I do. We will see what will unfold.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 7:29 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, July 4, 2020, 6:28 AM

In this past week I had a strong urge to practice, and I was practicing more. Also I had a strong urge to work, since I started working again, and I had some ideas even about starting a project for myself to do some technical work. I was trying to connect with feelings that I had in the past when I was enjoying coding and was very productive and training others and getting praises and such. All of this was kind of good. Now after sleeping that much, I feel tired and in need for sleep, and also I feel a disappointment about all of it. Not much motivation for practice or for work. Probably that dream last night had some effect, or maybe this is part of cycling, I don’t know.

What I see is that, what gives me the most anxiety often, is the thoughts about how others think about me, and that if they think that I have done something wrong or bad. And that dream had this situation on the maximum. That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.



hi shrouwb,

Kierkegaard said, Life can be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. You've been living, doing, intensely, in the past week, livng forwards. Like the rough draft of a manuscript: just get the words on the page. But humans crave understanding too, not just doing: meaning, context, history, future: and so the backwards moment comes. Like in writing, again: the editing phase, assessment, a week on a paragraph shit. And in practice, go with the flow of the meditation for a roll's duration, feel the limits of . . . self, ego, mind, whatever, and settle in to try to figure out who the fuck that masked man was. Like the systole and diastole of a heart, contraction pumping fresh blood, contraction relaxing that vital organ and ltting the effects of the effort ripple.

So don't fucking die on the down beat, for God's sake, or dependent origination's either, lol.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 7:48 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hey Tim. Thanks for the wise and kind words.
Yeah, I'll try to go forward.

Regarding that masked man, I think I'll stay home after going home today. Today I wasn't sure to come to office, and it took several hours to decide, but I came, but I've had a lot of negative thoughts about coming here, probably one reason was that I read somewhere someone said that her friend had a flu-like covid sickness the first time, and it was ok and recovered, but when he/she became sick for the second time, he/she died.

And I have fatigue and low energy today, I don't know what has caused it, probably it's not related to the sickness because I don't have the other symptoms, but whatever that is, it's not pleasant. So I think I'll stay home for a week to see how it goes.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 7:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
And what I said here:
That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.

Was a translation of some saying in out languages, just to convey the unpleasantness of the situation. It has nothing to do with dying. Sorry.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 8:53 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
And what I said here:
That I’d prefer to melt and disappear into earth (I am translating in a bad way!) or die, but not continue to be in that situation.

Was a translation of some saying in out languages, just to convey the unpleasantness of the situation. It has nothing to do with dying. Sorry.

lol, clearly i was projecting. i'm ready to check out on zero notice.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 8:54 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hey Tim. Thanks for the wise and kind words.
Yeah, I'll try to go forward.

Regarding that masked man, I think I'll stay home after going home today. Today I wasn't sure to come to office, and it took several hours to decide, but I came, but I've had a lot of negative thoughts about coming here, probably one reason was that I read somewhere someone said that her friend had a flu-like covid sickness the first time, and it was ok and recovered, but when he/she became sick for the second time, he/she died.

And I have fatigue and low energy today, I don't know what has caused it, probably it's not related to the sickness because I don't have the other symptoms, but whatever that is, it's not pleasant. So I think I'll stay home for a week to see how it goes.

shrouwb,

This sounds like a great plan, wow, a week of space and time.

But don't "try to go forward." Let forward go forward, let backward go backward. Let them do the fucking work. You just relax and feel better, rest, abide.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:03 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
But don't "try to go forward." Let forward go forward, let backward go backward. Let them do the fucking work. You just relax and feel better, rest, abide.



Yah, I meant something like that.

This sounds like a great plan, wow, a week of space and time.

I don't have any "space" left, I have difficulty working from home currently, but if I don't come to office, I have to work at home, otherwise things will become ugly soon.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:09 AM as a reply to Siavash.
You mean while having a dream, or after waking up? How would you do that, if you don't mind sharing it? Thanks.

I meant afterward - while awake.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:12 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
You mean while having a dream, or after waking up? How would you do that, if you don't mind sharing it? Thanks.

I meant afterward - while awake.


Thanks.
What I've noticed, dreams like these ones often have effects that remain for sometime, hours, days, and sometimes more. That include both feeling and the images. But since I haven't done any meditation on them, I've never investigated the feeling, I only know that I feel something from that dream. I'll do it. Thanks for the suggestion.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:32 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash, yes, dreams are a window into what's up with our psyche and they were always a big part of practice for me. During certain stages they were essential, pointing me to those places that needed attention. Attention in this case = meditation time.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/4/20 9:39 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Siavash, yes, dreams are a window into what's up with our psyche and they were always a big part of practice for me. During certain stages they were essential, pointing me to those places that needed attention. Attention in this case = meditation time.



Yes, that's what I think too.
It would be a good trigger practice, using Shinzen's terms, for a lot of dreams!
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/5/20 8:05 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, July 5, 2020, 4:54 PM

Last night while in bed, those wavy pleasant sensations arose again in my legs, since I was tired and sleep deprived, had not slept the night before, but also they arose a little bit in my whole body, hands and head. It’s like I am in cradle, but it’s not one cradle, there are many cradles and each moving in different directions, and muscles seems to be moving in different directions in a gentle way. Although sometimes it’s more intense, and it feels like for a moment I was floating in the air, and I just fell down on the ground, by my body resist that, and often jump up. I set intentions to not resist it.

Since I was tired, I fell sleep quickly, and for the first time in a while, maybe a few months I don’t know, I don’t remember any dreams from this 9 hours of sleep. None.

After I woke up, I felt it’s cold, so I turned of the cooler, but after 10-20 minutes I felt it’s hot, and turned it on again, but it was not working. I need to fix it. After some minutes I noticed fear about it. But being in a hot temperature is not something that I couldn’t tolerate, so I looked a little closely, and noticed that I fear the fear itself, and the not-knowing that is there. What would happen, what if this happens or that happens and etc, since the mind doesn’t know exactly what would happen and feels that has not control, and feels that there maybe a fearful situations, so fear this whole not-knowing and fear itself. I checked some other similar situations, and it seems that the whole worry and fear and anxiety about them is related to this fear of fear. None of those situations are so bad.

But I was able to relax. I noticed that there is a calm place in the being, that seems that is not touched, and can be there to balance the situation. I don’t have the feeling now that I had a few hours ago when I was thinking about this, so I don’t remember the correct way to phrase it, but I felt that probably a page has turned and I can have access to a little more equanimity.

-- Edit:
Huh, I remembered it now. Last night in bed, I set an intetion and wish, that it was the first time that I had that intention as far as I remember. I wished to have dreams that bring me healing and happiness and insight into my psyche and wounds and emotions and etc. I don't know if this had any effect that I don't remember any dreams from this night, or it was just that I was so tired.

About the typos in these writings that are many...,
Around maybe a year ago, I changed the way I type, to a more standard way. Before that, I had not learned the right way, like everything else that I go with self learning. But a year or two years ago I started to change it, and to have my hands and fingers in the right position, so that I could use all my fingers and not need to change my hands position. The result was that my speed of writing increased after sometime, and it feels much more effortless to type, but the other result was that I have a lot of typos in my writing. I know that it's not all related to this, but this has a major effect on it. So sorry about that. I often don't have the inclination to go back and read it again and edit it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/5/20 9:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I never learned to type the "correct" way, Siavash. I still don' know how and I'm an old fool. But my way of typing, unconventional as it may be, is pretty fast and accurate, at least according to the app Grammarly, which I used all the time. I worked for a while with a woman who typed with one hand. She was incredibley fast with that. My son's fiance was born with only one hand, and she's a wiz at typing. So I'm pretty sure there is no "right way" to type, but there is an "accepted way."

Socialization, you know.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/5/20 9:22 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
I never learned to type the "correct" way, Siavash. I still don' know how and I'm an old fool. But my way of typing, unconventional as it may be, is pretty fast and accurate, at least according to the app Grammarly, which I used all the time. I worked for a while with a woman who typed with one hand. She was incredibley fast with that. My son's fiance was born with only one hand, and she's a wiz at typing. So I'm pretty sure there is no "right way" to type, but there is an "accepted way."

Socialization, you know.


Well, yeah. By right I meant that, we don't change the positions of hands, and use both hands, one hands doesn't go over the other hand to press a key because that other hand is slow in moving one of its fingers, and also it doesn't require much effort to type.

But yeah, it can be fast if that is not like above. Before this change, I would use mostly one hand. But it's interesting that now I don't remember it was right hand or left hand! I am left handed, but there are certain things that my right hand is better than left one.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 5:48 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020, 2.42 PM

Last night after I fell asleep, at some point I don’t know I was half awake or not, I was in my bed, in a room that was a mix of my current living room and the living room of a previous house, and unlike this room that the tv is in my right side when I am in bed, it was in front of me in a 15 feet distance maybe. I don’t remember that I was practicing to not, but suddenly my body started moving forward on the floor as if I am gliding, then while the body was exactly in its original horizontal form, it got up about a foot on the air, and started moving faster toward the tv. I don’t know I was asleep or awake but I was feeling the body clearly, and it was very pleasant, but the perception of room was different than my current room, then I got worried about hitting the tv so I tried to slow down and put my feet on the ground, and that made it stop, and I noticed that my feet already are on the ground. Then there was craving to have it again, so I focused on my legs for some seconds, that sometimes brings that wavy feeling, but it didn’t come back, and I fell asleep.

It’s interesting that it seems that these kinds of experiences want to arise in practice, but body-mind resists it and has fear, so they arise during dreams, but again body-mind wakes up and finds a way to resist it. It’s called practice ha!?

-- Edit:
I remembered now, that I had a similar experience in sleep-dream around two years ago when I was doing fire kasina for a few days, and that night I had practiced a few hours, then I started gliding in the air while in bed, and also had bright numbers in the visual field. Like the red dot when it's yellow and very bright, similar to that, persian numbers were arising, ۱, ۲, ۳,... very bright and yellow and it was very beautiful. That was very nice too.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 6:52 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash, it's clear - your practice is flying along!  emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 6:55 AM as a reply to Chris Marti.
Chris Marti:
Siavash, it's clear - your practice is flying along!  emoticon

Thank you so much Chris emoticon
I got positive energy from your comment ;)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 10:33 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020, 7:57 PM

It's so interesting that a lot of times, specially when not practicing, the red/bright dot to black/dark dot sequence of fire kasina happens spontaneously without doing fire kasina or any kasina. I am just sitting or doing something, and a very clear bright yellow/white dot arises with eyes open or closed, sometimes it's smaller than the red dot of fire kasina, sometimes a little bigger, and stays for some seconds, then turns into a very clear black dot, with a often green halo around it, and that stays for some seconds and then fades away. Sometimes there is a bigger black spot after the black dot but sometimes not. Sometimes there are more than one bright dot, and each one turns to its black dot after some seconds.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:15 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I will say something but please do ignore it if you feel it's of no benefit to you. Look at it as a fun game emoticon 

Can we agree that these dots are happening in the image space (in the mind but entering the door of sight). 

Ok. Let's say we do agree on that. 

So there is a red dot and a black dot and one is merging with the other and then they might go to one side or the other, they might jump from here to there, get closer or further away etc... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say there are two birds on a tree. I see them. And we agree that the image we see is also in the image space. One bird is red and the other is black. And one is hiding behind the other, then each go to one side and then they jump from one branch to the next, they flutter with their wings fast, they fly closer then further away etc ... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say I see two hornets flew into my room through the window and they are flying around. This too is in the image space. They get closer then further then closer again, then they land on the wall, then on my laptop, then they fly again around my head etc ... and I don't like this experience. 

Now let's say I'm watching all these on a TV screen and it's an interesting show about dots, birds and hornets. This too is arising in the image space. They do exactly same as above. I like this show. 

What do these experiences have in common? emoticon 

EDIT;
p.s. btw, I don't have the answer. I'm just wondering , inquiring 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:32 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Papa Che Dusko:
I will say something but please do ignore it if you feel it's of no benefit to you. Look at it as a fun game emoticon 

Can we agree that these dots are happening in the image space (in the mind but entering the door of sight). 

Ok. Let's say we do agree on that. 

So there is a red dot and a black dot and one is merging with the other and then they might go to one side or the other, they might jump from here to there, get closer or further away etc... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say there are two birds on a tree. I see them. And we agree that the image we see is also in the image space. One bird is red and the other is black. And one is hiding behind the other, then each go to one side and then they jump from one branch to the next, they flutter with their wings fast, they fly closer then further away etc ... and I like this experience. 

Now let's say I see two hornets flew into my room through the window and they are flying around. This too is in the image space. They get closer then further then closer again, then they land on the wall, then on my laptop, then they fly again around my head etc ... and I don't like this experience. 

Now let's say I'm watching all these on a TV screen and it's an interesting show about dots, birds and hornets. This too is arising in the image space. They do exactly same as above. I like this show. 

What do these experiences have in common? emoticon 

EDIT;
p.s. btw, I don't have the answer. I'm just wondering , inquiring 


papa che, fuck your fucking dots and hornets and your fucking smiley faces despite the fact that you're one of the grimmest guys i've ever met. This shit here ain't broke. Quit painting legs on this snake with your own obsessive ruminations and mind games.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:33 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Thanks Papa Che,

Yes, there are complexities related to your question. I've thought about it a little before, but I don't know. I'll pay more attention to this question. Thanks for reminding me.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/7/20 11:36 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
emoticon Tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/9/20 3:14 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, July 10, 12:26 AM

I started to listen to the rest of Rob’s talks now, but a restlessness and scatteredness arose, asking me to throw some words here.

So, to echo some words, to gain positive energy from it.

Today I woke up earlier than last two days. Listened to Rob for a little. Did 1-2 hours of practice, focusing on the whole body space with a light and gentle focus, and I got pretty relaxed and stable, and I guess concentration was deeper toward the end of it too maybe, since distractions in mind subsided, sense of stillness increased, and the pains in the butt disappeared and turned into a mild pleasantness, but then I got bored and pain started coming back.

This last 5 days that I was at home, I have worked 3 days of it so far, and compared to the last few months, it’s progress. The other two days that I didn’t work, I had done something productive each day. One of them I fixed the cooler, and the other day, yesterday, was acceptable too! This word acceptable is key here. Much of the suffering is related to that. Self critique and etc.

A friend called while working, and I responded, unlike the previous times. This is a progress too.

Worked for 6 hours today, which I am satisfied with that. Yesterday and today I found some creative ideas and implemented them and that gave some positive feelings. The last few weeks I was working on developing protections against tampering and reverse engineering on a mobile banking app, and that is a pretty nasty thing to do. Some of the resistance to work at home was related to this task, that I needed some ideas and solutions, but I hadn’t them.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/9/20 7:40 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, July 10, 5:05 AM

I am hesitant to use this terminology and language, but just for the sake of recording and maybe later pattern recognition:

Last 2-3 days maybe there was that strong sleepiness that arise from time to time, that sometimes is such strong that it really feels to be sick. And yesterday there was a lot of negative emotions that I couldn't work. Inherent dissatisfaction with everything. Today energy was higher. Less negative or better word unpleasant emotions, and stronger desire to practice, and I was able to work. Last days there was that bright purple/violet lights, today there wasn't, and instead a ball of green was there. And during this night, sometimes there are heaviness of the breath. So maybe, dukkha nanas to desire for deliverance, and d4d to reobservation (heavy breathing).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/12/20 3:54 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, July 13, 2020, 1:00 AM

I finished listening to Rob’s jhana retreat recordings, and while practicing with it I’ve started listening again to some of the talks that have fine points in them.

Although for most of these few days there have been a lot of unpleasant emotions/mind-states, I try to practice for most of the time that I am not doing any other work.
I think I had a few times around two years ago a stable pleasant piti, and probably I had entered very light jhanas a few times at that time (I was practicing with Leigh’s method then), but after that I don’t remember to have it. It often doesn’t stay more than a few minutes. Last night I had a very mild pleasant piti for around 10 minutes maybe, but then I changed my posture and it subsided and went away.

These two weeks I had some mild symptoms of sickness (second round!), but it wasn’t a problem. The day before yesterday they had intensified a little bit, and negative thoughts were coming: This sickness will kill me, if not this time, the next times… . But then the other part was saying: Don’t be an idiot, the last time it was much more intense, and that means your body has learned how to fight it/live with it… . Yesterday I was feeling better, but today again there was discomfort in the throat and trachea and some dry coughs, so those thoughts were arising again.

Because unpleasant emotions were increasing today, I decided to do something about it. I started inviting healing energies, and seeing in-breaths as healing energy and space as healing and joyful space. Then I started imagining beautiful colors and lights around and inside my body. That brought some stillness, concentration and piti.

Later I decided to pay attention to every pleasant and beautiful object that I can find, and I noticed that there are many many pleasant and beautiful objects/experiences everywhere. I had noticed this before, but not this clear. We get used to these objects and experiences and forget to see their beauty. A rectangle is a very beautiful form. A circle, the black color of tv screen, the shape of this keyboard… . And many pleasant sensations. The softness of these keys while pressing them, the fact that I can see no matter what is it that I am seeing, the colors and shapes are pleasant. Although very subtle, but they are pleasant.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/13/20 3:31 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020, 12:28 AM

Last night I did some more practice, focusing on the whole body space breath, and finding pleasant sensations and focusing on them, and that helped a little with unpleasant emotions that I had, and brought some stillness. The discomfort related to the symptoms (of sickness?! I don’t know anymore what is what) were increasing, but I tried to keep myself grounded. After going to bed, intense restlessness arose. The mind was relatively calm although there was some thoughts about the sickness, but body was restless. I started practicing there, and pain arose in the entirety of my chest when breathing. That caused some more worry about the sickness. Then I noticed that it feels like the pain is on the bones, and often that means that it’s related to this kundalini energy. I kept practicing, and after around 5 minutes this pain subsided and went away. Today symptoms are mostly gone. I wonder if there is any causal relation between emotions and these symptoms.

Today after waking up, there has been some equanimity and tranquility available. For a few hours after waking up, the body-mind was very still. Then I started listening to Rob, and was preparing to jump into the waters of practice. I remembered the thoughts and intentions that I had yesterday about tuning into beauty and pleasantness, then I looked around and the visual scene was not looking beautiful. I haven’t done any house cleaning for God knows how long. Positives were stronger than negatives, so I started cleaning the room a little bit, and that gave some positive feelings. But then this obsessive tendency for cleaning arose. Everywhere and everything that I was looking at, was not clean, so I did some more. Then did some practice, and went out to get my sandwich. The obsessive thoughts about cleaning were spinning in my head, so when I returned home, the first thing that I did was some more cleaning. Now it looks a little better. When I came to sit, I noticed that there is a subtle positive feeling about cleanings that I did, but a stronger negative feeling about more cleaning that is needed. Also there is another thread often, the despair agency, that whenever I do something that I feel good about it, this feelings/thoughts arise that, …what is the point, do you think it can make any difference, nothing will get better with these things that you are doing, etc… . I guess I have to be kind to this part of me, each time that it feels desperate.

The more I listen to Rob, the more I feel sad about his death, but at the same time, I think his death was the right thing to happen (whatever that is)! I had a dream that he was in some place like an office, sitting on a chair or a wheelchair, very happy and smiling, I was there too, the person there said to him, come close near the table (maybe to sign something..), but he said, sorry I can not do that (because he couldn’t move his legs).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/14/20 6:58 AM as a reply to Siavash.
loving your relationship with Rob. He'll get legs soon, i'm sure, with his excellent practice discipline and good attitude and surrendered heart and sheer meditative chops.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/14/20 11:02 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim,

loving your relationship with Rob. He'll get legs soon, i'm sure, with his excellent practice discipline and good attitude and surrendered heart and sheer meditative chops.

I loved this. Yes he will.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/18/20 8:48 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, July 19, 2020, 6:17 AM

I don't like to write, I don't like to not write.

I am going to bed, waiting for (or maybe asking for) a crazy dreamland.

Tomorrow will be different, I guess.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/18/20 10:38 PM as a reply to Siavash.
There will come a day, after all dust is settled, only a heart will remain that is touched.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/19/20 11:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, July 19, 2020, 8:30 PM

I continued with cleaning the house, and it has been much better. Some positive feelings gained from it.

The night before yesterday after going to bed, I noticed that my head is on the pillow and the body is ont the matress, and these two are disconnected. It looked strange that how these two could be connected, I mean in the mental image of the body. I tried to imagine a neck being between head and the body, and it looked like a wired shape, not really like a real thing. It was obvious that these two part are not connected.

Last 1-2 days there has been a strong pain in the base of spine and tale bone. Yesterday there was a lot of vibrations, pins and needles spreading over head and the body. Later at night while doing a short walking practice, a sense of pleasure arose, and then a feeling started moving up from the base of spine, like water moving in a pipe, it moved a few inches up and stopped, then there was a storm of sexual energy. After some hours. it settles down somewhat. The vibrations were there the whole time. Then a tenderness arose. I got droawd to music again, like the old times. Enjoying it, and feeling the awe in it. Fell sleep later, but after waking up today, the tenderness and vibrations, pins and needles still were strong nad pervasive. Now in the last few hours it seems that they have decreased.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/19/20 11:19 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sounds positive!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/19/20 11:30 AM as a reply to Sam Gentile.
I hope so. Thanks Sam.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/20/20 10:46 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
There will come a day, after all dust is settled, only a heart will remain that is touched.


Amen.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/23/20 12:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, July 23, 2020, 9:14 AM

Two days ago I had a dream. I was asleep near the morning, around 7 am it was I think. I woke up (in the dream), and noticed that I am on a mattress that has maybe 3-4 yards height, in the street near my house. It was like I am lying down on top a truck, I was gliding to one end of it and looking at the sky, then I’d find myself being rotated 180 degrees and gliding to the other side and looking at the other end of the sky. It was so beautiful and clear, photo realistic. Clear blue sky with beautiful white shining clouds. Then I noticed that it became brighter. That part of me that was in bed in my “real” room thought that it’s the Sun that is coming up. The other part of me that was in bed in the street in the dream, noticed the lights of the restaurant in my right side that got turned on. Then I got disconnected from that feeling of being in bed in my real room, and was totally in the dream. I got up to walk to the house, enjoying the fresh air of the morning. The neighborhood was a mix of the current one, and some other place that our university campus was there. I was hearing a young guy that seemed to be a construction site worker that had stayed in the construction site. I wasn’t seeing him, but based on hearing his voice I knew that he is enjoying what he was doing. He was in the bathroom and singing and farting with no breaks in his singing and farting. I was hearing another guy that was laughing at him. I came the the alley, the current one. There was mountains near the house, I was looking at the mountain and seeing it as a lion, then I looked at the other end of the mountain and saw loin’s head. A little fear arose… . I don’t have the energy to write the rest of it… . Then I woke up in my real room, and noticed that it’s morning and weekend, and I liked it and had the pleasant feeling that I used to have in my childhood what I’d wake up early in the morning of weekends and knowing that it’s weekend and I can enjoy being in bed, that would give a very nice feeling. I had the same feeling and wanted to stay in my bed and enjoy the weekend, then I really woke up, and remembered that it’s Wednesday and I need to go to the bank to continue my work there.

The last 5 days, there was a very serious performance issue in one of the servers in the bank. No one knew what is going on, so I had to go there and work on it. That washed away the negative emotions that I had before, although I had them when I had a little break from the work. But like always, when there is a serious issue like this, my mood and energy levels changes dramatically, and it happened these days too, so I was able to work long hours there and design tests and monitor what was going on. After some intense work in the last 3 days, we now have a clearer picture of what is going on, and I think we can fix it next week.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/23/20 12:20 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Thursday, July 23, 2020, 9:14 AM

The last 5 days, there was a very serious performance issue in one of the servers in the bank. No one knew what is going on, so I had to go there and work on it. That washed away the negative emotions that I had before, although I had them when I had a little break from the work. But like always, when there is a serious issue like this, my mood and energy levels changes dramatically, and it happened these days too, so I was able to work long hours there and design tests and monitor what was going on. After some intense work in the last 3 days, we now have a clearer picture of what is going on, and I think we can fix it next week.

Well, that's great news! Are you a computer guy? I used to be a Software Engineer for over 30 years and know quite well the pleasent feeling you describe. Good going!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/23/20 12:28 PM as a reply to Sam Gentile.
Well, that's great news!
Thank you Sam for the positive energy.

Are you a computer guy?
Yes. As they say, I am a programmer I have no life!

I used to be a Software Engineer for over 30 years and know quite well the pleasent feeling you describe.
Interesting to know this. Before recently and based of your earlier posts, I had the impression that probably you are in your 30's!
Yeah, there are a lot of that kind of pleasant feelings, attached to the identities of "tech guy", "problem solver", "The one that comes and fixes everythings!!!" and more! emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/24/20 4:01 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 25, 2020, 1:11 AM

Woke up (not fully) once or twice because I was laughing in the dream, quite loudly. I don’t remember what was in the dream that I was laughing at, but when I woke up, I noticed that I am laughing and my normal mood of being neutral/serious wanted to take over and stop the laughing, but I continued laughing for a few more seconds, and then fell asleep again I guess. Laughing is not something that I do a lot in wakefulness, so thanks to dream world!

Last night I was hearing the sound of one of coolers in the building, it was a little louder than normal so I wanted to know if it’s mine or not. I had noticed this sound to be coming from the right side of the building before, meaning that it’s not mine, but last night I was hearing it from the center. While going to bathroom after I stood up, I relaxed the mind and opened the awareness to notice all the sounds. After 1-2 seconds I could detect the location of each sound, and this cooler sound was coming from the right side, then some energetic sensations started arising. A stronger one started moving around and then moving up at the lower belly, and some others in legs and chest. And a pleasant feeling of coolness/breeze spread over whole body. They stopped after 10-20 seconds, but for a few hours after that, there was lots of throbbing and occasional movements related to this energy, and a lot of very bright colors/lights, and some moving sensations in lower back. Later at night the lights disappeared and visual field became more dull, and itches arose in places that often have energetic sensations. Then these itches spread to whole body and became stronger. These itches continued until I fell asleep in the morning.

Despair is the thing that is constantly in the background and sometime in the foreground.

Last night while focusing on the whole body and visual field, it happened a number of times that felt like the body is moving in different direction. Similar to the pleasant wavy feeling in the legs that I have in bed. And also it seemed that the visual field with eyes closed is moving with high speed to the right or left, for a few seconds. I don’t remember more details.

These few days, except when I am engaged with work, mind is scattered, and it doesn't stay on anything for more than a short time.

There are a lot of fine tingles/pins & needls, specially in left leg and head, that sometimes spreads to whole body. Sometimes energetic sensations are just in one side of the body, for example all the itches/pains/throbbings arise in the right side for some minutes, and then they all move to the left side, and sometimes I don't see such patterns.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/24/20 5:10 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, July 25, 2020, 2:24 AM

Was hesitant to post this or not, but let’s go with “who cares”.

I feel tired, so tired. I am tired. I don’t remember that I wrote about that dream or not. A few months ago, in that intense time of the sickness, I had a dream, me and my mother were inside a car, I was younger. I was hugging my mother and crying. She was asking why are you crying, what’s wrong? And I was saying: I am tired, I am tired. Then she was asking again and I was repeating I am tired.

I feel that somethings needs to happen that will happen. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t have anymore patience. I’ve waited way too long.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/25/20 7:22 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, July 25, 2020, 2:24 AM

Was hesitant to post this or not, but let’s go with “who cares”.

I feel tired, so tired. I am tired. I don’t remember that I wrote about that dream or not. A few months ago, in that intense time of the sickness, I had a dream, me and my mother were inside a car, I was younger. I was hugging my mother and crying. She was asking why are you crying, what’s wrong? And I was saying: I am tired, I am tired. Then she was asking again and I was repeating I am tired.

I feel that somethings needs to happen that will happen. I don’t know what it is, but I don’t have anymore patience. I’ve waited way too long.
 hey shrouwb,

rest. let it be for a bit, quit pushing. Rest is a real thing, it involves not working in the way that is tiring you. You're good, but both real life and the dukha nanas have this way of moving the finish line back just as it seems close. So sit down in the shade and let the fucking finish line come to you, and fuck it if it don't.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/25/20 8:18 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,
Thank you.

Yes I need to rest.
I hope to be able to see and use the opportunities to rest, when they arise.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/26/20 11:33 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hi Tim,
Thank you.

Yes I need to rest.
I hope to be able to see and use the opportunities to rest, when they arise.

Siavash, yes, eyes to see the opportunities--- and the attitude of accepting rest, when it comes. You are naturally a very hard worker. You need to be aware that you need this rest, that it is legitimate.

I am having a certifictate printed up for you, certifying you as a hard worker in need of rest, and a permission slip, authorizing Extraodinary Rest Measures Like a Fucking Nap.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
7/27/20 3:06 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
Hi Tim,
Thank you.

Yes I need to rest.
I hope to be able to see and use the opportunities to rest, when they arise.

Siavash, yes, eyes to see the opportunities--- and the attitude of accepting rest, when it comes. You are naturally a very hard worker. You need to be aware that you need this rest, that it is legitimate.

I am having a certifictate printed up for you, certifying you as a hard worker in need of rest, and a permission slip, authorizing Extraodinary Rest Measures Like a Fucking Nap.

love, tim


Thank you Tim,
I need to remember this.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/2/20 5:45 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, August 3, 2020, 2:52 AM

For most of this past week, my mind was scattered, and my body was restless. I’ve worked a few days of it, but yesterday couldn’t because of difficulty with breathing.

I had a conversation with a friend, and they told something, a few things actually, that made me really upset, and for a few days after that I was getting mental talks related to that, so for two days I switched to practicing Shinzen’s Auto Think while in bed. Then a family member said something, which I didn’t like, but I didn’t notice much effects on my mind, but after that I had unpleasant dreams and difficulty in my body that I think was related to that. Probably that person noticed these changes in some way and one or two days after that tried to be nice and ask if I am upset or not. I almost never get upset about things that family members say or do in recent years, no matter what it would be, I’ve passed that point (painfully), but it affects the body and it doesn’t matter much what I think consciously.

It’s around 3 days maybe, that again there are some symptoms related to the sickness.

And around 3 days maybe that there is some difficulty with breathing, specially when lying down. I am not sure what is the cause, but I think main cause is the tension in the muscles of abdomen. It feels that those muscles are tense, and it’s filled with rocks, and there is discomfort there while breathing. It becomes worse when I am more aware of it, and when I do physical activities it’s better!

Recently I do shorter formal practices. I feel alone and disconnected when trying to do formal sitting practice, but last night I did more, around two hours I guess, and then 1-2 hours in bed. Yesterday I couldn’t go to work because of this breathing difficulty, and since I had taken some alprazolam because of this issue, today I overslept and couldn’t go to work. So when I woke up today, I tried to cover it by practicing, and did two sits with Leigh Brasington’s guided body scan, one around 35 minutes and the other 45 minutes. Then later at night I did another sit focusing on the change in the sensations of breathing. I like to practice a little more and then go to bed.

Oh, I forgot, since yesterday there is less scatteredness in the mind, and there is more clarity in the center of attention.

And this last few hours, my hands and feet feel a little cold and numb. This I think is related to states/stages, and probably some emotions.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/2/20 7:41 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, August 3, 2020, 5:06 AM

I did another sit, 90 minutes maybe, and focused mainly on the changing sensations of breathing in the abdomen, mostly on the point that there is almost always tension.

Now to conclude today, the positive side is that today I did more practice, and the negative side is that it's late now, and I don't have enough time for enough sleep if I want to go to work tomorrow, but my mind tends to see only the negative side, and not see the positive side, or even worse, see the positive side as something negative. I need to remind myself over and over and over again to see the positives more, and to learn again to enjoy.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/3/20 5:25 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, August 3, 2020, 5:06 AM

I did another sit, 90 minutes maybe, and focused mainly on the changing sensations of breathing in the abdomen, mostly on the point that there is almost always tension.

Now to conclude today, the positive side is that today I did more practice, and the negative side is that it's late now, and I don't have enough time for enough sleep if I want to go to work tomorrow, but my mind tends to see only the negative side, and not see the positive side, or even worse, see the positive side as something negative. I need to remind myself over and over and over again to see the positives more, and to learn again to enjoy.

Shrouwb,

by all means see the ;positives more, and let a smile be your umbrella.

Also, learn to cat nap at work without getting busted.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/3/20 7:52 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,
Thanks.
 let a smile be your umbrella.

Often there is no smile, and if I force myself to fake it, it feels uncomfortable so I don't do that.

Also, learn to cat nap at work without getting busted.

I don't get tired if I am working. I get tired if I am not working.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/10/20 2:58 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hi Tim,
Thanks.
 let a smile be your umbrella.

Often there is no smile, and if I force myself to fake it, it feels uncomfortable so I don't do that.

Also, learn to cat nap at work without getting busted.

I don't get tired if I am working. I get tired if I am not working.

Shrouwb, you're the best. Work on.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/10/20 3:48 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Thank you Tim for the encouragement.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/14/20 3:52 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, August 15, 2020, 12:52 AM

Interesting. these days I notice those pattern in numbers more. Like tonight I paused a video to check something, and then noticed it was on 44:44 of the video. This happens a lot. I have a file, that often I write these logs on it and save it first. I opened it to write this one, wanted to update the time above, and 52 already was there when I noticed its 12:52 AM.

These days I use body breath for a good portion of practice, and noticing change in sensations. Also I use energetic manifestations. Like there is a pain somewhere that is related to energy, I focus on it, then some itch arises somewhere else related to energy, I focus on that, then a throbbing and etc. This last 4-5 days there are more intense manifestations. Some pains that look like there is glass-dust inside the tissues and there is pressure on it, specially in the base of spine, but often they don’t last long. Also when relaxing muscles, something like throbbing arises, but much more coarse. It’s like a big insect or a little animal is moving inside the tissue that wants to come out. And there are a lot of jaw clenching when waking up and after that.
And for part of the practice, I use Shinzen’s See In Hear In, noticing mental talks and images. Or whatever is appropriate at the moment.

A few times when practicing in bed, I was aware of the body and I was focused on some part of, but I didn’t know if I was awake or asleep. That thought wasn’t there. Later after waking up, I checked to see what was that I perceiving at that state, and the only thing that I could recall, was those body sensations and some image of the body. No sounds or other images. It would be interesting to know if that was sleep or wakefulness.

Lots of strange dreams. Dreams of flying, moving in the sky on something like carpet with wind with a group of mountain hikers or sky travelers that were on similar carpet like things. Having dreams of some people that I had worked with them in the past and we had conflicts, and having emotions about that in the dream. Getting trapped in a corner of a street, and then being approached by some homeless kids that were asking money, or anything they could get. They all were around the age 5-7 to 10-12, and all had serious illness, with their face turned to dark blue and black because of infection.

Last night for a little while I was focusing on the arising and passing of phenomena, using some of Michael Taft’s guided meditations. At some point, I had a little taste or understanding of what Shinzen often talks about. He describes it as simultaneous expansion and contraction, and uses this phrase “No sooner than it arises, it already passes”. I was paying attention to how sensations change, and noticed that at the same time they arise, they already pass. And then I thought, of course that is how it is, and there is no arising of something without already passing of it. Then continued to notice it more, but most of it became intellectual, and sometimes experiential.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/15/20 9:40 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, August 15, 2020, 7:00 AM

Yesterday I remembered a dream that I had two days ago, that I can’t understand the feeling of it. There was something like a little room very high in the sky, or more like a niche, that was kind of my refuge place, in order to go to the Moon. I could reach that place with something like a ladder, and sit there and watch the Moon. It was a place that I would go there to rest in the Moon. In that dream, I climbed up there and sat in that niche and was watching the Moon, but it was not very restful since I was feeling lonely. Everywhere was dark except that I could see a full Moon and also see myself sitting there watching the Moon. I knew that I have another place similar to that in order to reach the Sun, and I was thinking if I went to that one, should I look directly at Sun or not. The thing that is strange to me, is this strong feeling of familiarity. I was feeling that I had known this place always and been there many many times. There are some other dreams that have that feeling.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/20/20 2:32 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Saturday, August 15, 2020, 7:00 AM

Yesterday I remembered a dream that I had two days ago, that I can’t understand the feeling of it. There was something like a little room very high in the sky, or more like a niche, that was kind of my refuge place, in order to go to the Moon. I could reach that place with something like a ladder, and sit there and watch the Moon. It was a place that I would go there to rest in the Moon. In that dream, I climbed up there and sat in that niche and was watching the Moon, but it was not very restful since I was feeling lonely. Everywhere was dark except that I could see a full Moon and also see myself sitting there watching the Moon. I knew that I have another place similar to that in order to reach the Sun, and I was thinking if I went to that one, should I look directly at Sun or not. The thing that is strange to me, is this strong feeling of familiarity. I was feeling that I had known this place always and been there many many times. There are some other dreams that have that feeling.

Shrouwb, stop practicing immediately. Cease all activities in general. Sip divine nectar. You are clearly done.
Gate Gate Para Gate Para Sam Gate Bodhi Swaha.
T
o the moon, Alice! 

love, tim

p.s. (American TV cultural reference from "The Jackie Gleason Show" supplied: 


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/20/20 9:29 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Haha,
It was just another appearance of loneliness, not Gate Gate emoticon . But thanks emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/20/20 10:10 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Can't that also be fear to a growing nimitta? Resistance, resistance, resistance would yell Shargrol emoticon

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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8/20/20 10:20 AM as a reply to Pepe.
Pepe:
Can't that also be fear to a growing nimitta? Resistance, resistance, resistance would yell Shargrol emoticon

Huh, interesting viewpoint!
I don't know. Often when I practice, there are some bright lights, different kinds of them. I've never had that clear round nimita that Pa Auk talks about, but for other kind of bright lights, I haven't noticed any resistence, I guess my system likes it, but I can't be sure.

Thank you for that Pepe, I should investigate it. I am sure there is an element of fear in it, but I don't know fear of what. (It can be that it's just fear without any what)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/20/20 3:18 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Hey, as it's probably usual to connect feeling blue with the Moon, I just wanted to add other possibility. The Moon is also connected to the Mother figure, and as you dreamt also about the Sun (the Father figure), that's why I wrote about some kind of resistance. Not that loneliness isn't an issue, but that's just a Freud's 'resto diurno' (haven't found the word in English, it's what your mind brings up in dreams out of what happened in daily activities).

You mentioned of using some kind of a ladder (method) ... to reach a niche ... high in the sky ... where it was dark ... but that it wasn't restful since you were feeling lonely. So it's likely related to dharma IMO. I have woken up in the middle of the night and got afraid as was being pull into a nimitta big as a Sun. I have dreamt descending to the bottom of a dark ocean where there was a red (nimitta) tortoise (Wisdom figure) which I touched and got stucked to it, and so got afraid too. Also woke up in the middle of the night feeling descending into a kind of dark room where some little light/stars shine but that then dropped vertically, leaving a trace. And dreamt of seeing a pristine  sky up in the top of a mountain, but feeling lonely and needing to descent back where people were. 

So the thing is that while loneliness of the dharma/life path may be an issue, it may also point to other significant stuff. Some here would dismiss my experiences as just A&P stuff, but I believe content is significant too. There's an interesting series of talks between Daniel and Rose about meaningness and other stuff. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/20/20 1:01 PM as a reply to Pepe.
Thank you Pepe for these great pointers.
Yeah, I've listened to those talks between Rosa and Daniel.

I too think that content is important. What you said about mother and father figures, it can be relevant, since a lot of my fears are related to them. I don't want to cause them any pain, so there is fear of causing pain.

I have some similar dreams to what you had, but I don't remember any of them clearly. It's been some months that I have started to have that dreams, that it feels like I am some where like middle of an occean, or in the sky reaching some star, or above the planet, or at top of a mountain, or deep down in the occean, but I don't know which one is.I don't remember any clear imagery from any of them. What is clear, is that often I am not alone there, there is someone else, a friend maybe, and there isn't any negative emotions, and often I don't remember it after waking up, but remember it some hour laters or during practice, and almost always there is feeling of wonder and amazement when I remember it. Needs more observation!
Thank you.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/23/20 4:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, August 23, 2020, 2:08 PM

Trying to change some deeply rooted habits. Yesterday and today I noticed some real progress, that I almost couldn't believe. That brought some joy and hope and relief. The worst thing is to lose hope, and that has been how it was for many years.

Sometime there is a huge release of energy, that I can't direct it always skillfully.

More intense energetic manifestations in the body. Stronger pains in the bones, specially hands and feet, it feels like a mix of electric shock, burning, and bones crushing.

Finally I'll go to my hometown next week, after about 13 months that I haven't seen my family.
Last night I saw that one of my classmates in high school has shared a photo of his wife. First I thought it's for appreciation, but later when I read the comments, I noticed she has died. It was really heart broking.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/24/20 1:07 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon
Siavash:
Sunday, August 23, 2020, 2:08 PM

Trying to change some deeply rooted habits. Yesterday and today I noticed some real progress, that I almost couldn't believe. That brought some joy and hope and relief. The worst thing is to lose hope, and that has been how it was for many years.

Sometime there is a huge release of energy, that I can't direct it always skillfully.

More intense energetic manifestations in the body. Stronger pains in the bones, specially hands and feet, it feels like a mix of electric shock, burning, and bones crushing.

Finally I'll go to my hometown next week, after about 13 months that I haven't seen my family.
Last night I saw that one of my classmates in high school has shared a photo of his wife. First I thought it's for appreciation, but later when I read the comments, I noticed she has died. It was really heart broking.

emoticon

hey shroubw,

Interesting to see a larger pattern in your practice here, one that seems to include the deep awareness of your upcoming trip home, in all its significance to you: the preparatory dreams a big part of it, it seems. So interesting.

Ah, the pain and shock of mortality in our cicrles of loved ones. It is hear-breaking, and sobering, and very very humbling. May you be a comfort to your classmate, when you go home, in his grief, with your heart open.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/24/20 6:12 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,

Yeah. Bad decisions and habits can make the simplest things to be the most challenging things. But that's the way it is..., for now.
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/24/20 5:31 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, August 25, 2020, 2:31 AM

This past week or so, my main formal practice has been when I am in bed, because other times, either there is too much discomfort or too much energy and distractedness and agitation.

The night before last night, after I started practicing in bed, because of the relaxation, some pain arose related to this energy, but one was very strong in my right foot, that caused my whole body to jump. Then I decided to imagine that the energy flows out of the body, from my hands and feet and head, and then the whole body, and it seemed that it reduced the pain.

Last night since I wanted to fall asleep quickly and didn’t want to have that pain, I did that imagination from the beginning, and I don’t remember any strong pain.
I’ve said before that I experience a sensation of coolness in the soles of my feet, specially the right one, in the center of it. These days that happens more, and it shows up in other places too. Feeling exactly like it’s in touch with cold water.
Last night after some minutes being in bed, a feeling of warmth arose at the exact point in the center of right foot’ sole, then a flow of sensations started moving up through my right leg, as if a stream of hot water is moving up through the center of the leg and becoming colder while it’s moving, and my right leg got filled with tingling and pins and needles, and similar sensations spread to parts of the left leg.

Sometimes later, I don’t know if I was completely asleep or not, I noticed that something in the room started flying, some plastic bag or a paper, and I thought it’s because this energy in my body has become stronger, and affects the objects in the room, so I decided to play with it, by letting the energy flow out of my body, and drawing pentagrams in the air. First I drew a small pentagram, but I couldn’t see it, I only saw a vague trace of my finger. Then I draw a bigger one, and it was the same, only a vague trace. I don’t know what happened next.

After that, there was some strange dreams. Last year that I went to my hometown, it was because of my niece’s wedding, and I had a few dreams before in recent months, dreaming that I am in that wedding in current time. There was another dream about that last night. I had to dance, but I didn’t want to. I had to spend money there, but I didn’t have any money and I was worried. People were waiting for me to go inside, but I was naked and couldn’t wear my cloths. I wanted to go to bathroom, I found a bathroom, but I noticed there are a group of police forces there, all woman, with rifles, ready to shoot, and I didn’t want to move, to not make any sound and not get shot. Then I was on a bridge, crawling on it, trying to keep my balance, but couldn’t do that, and I was slowly losing my energy and I was about to fall down and die. There were some people there, but I didn’t have the energy and inclination to make any sound and ask for help. I was about to fall that my mother grabbed my wrist and helped my stay there. Then I saw this guy that I don’t like, secretary of state, on another bridge, with two other people that I don’t remember them, they were singing a classic Persian song and dancing with a silly face expression that was annoying. Then I heard Shinzen saying “Tell these guys to stop”.

Should I mention the rest of them, or let’s forget them? Let’s forget, they’ll come back.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/26/20 5:14 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, August 27, 2020, 2:33 AM

I was listening to a talk from Shinzen about “How to overcome compulsive/addictive behavior”, and he was explaining the koan practice in zen, and saying that the whole point of that approach is “to transcend your entire need to understand, the need to be oriented, the need to make sense of things”, and I tried to compare it to my experiences and the destructive habits that I have, then this thought came to my mind that, probably a lot of these habits are driven by my need to do something, since I can’t just sit still and do nothing. And I think that’s probably true. Since my childhood I’ve always loved to work with my hands, create things, destroy things, build things. During school time, I always loved to write. All my books were filled with poems, I’d look for a tiny bit of empty space and just write and write. I loved math, because I could write, and draw beautiful arcs and etc. I’ve noticed this for sometime now, that about smoking, the most addictive part of it for me, is to light the cigarette. A lot of time I light one, but before smoking 30-40 percent of it, throw it away and light another one. Or in drinking tea, instead of drinking a full cup, I drink two half cups.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/27/20 11:38 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, August 28, 2020, 8:59 AM

I am just writing this to not forget it. There are a lot of good practical points, but often I forget them when I need them. I guess that's true for everyone. Although I write down a lot of things, but I notice that when I am in that mode of forgetfulness regarding something, either I don't see that note, or if I see it, I ignore it. Makes this question bolder, that who the hell is doing what. Anyway.

About changing destructive habits, I've started questioning my actions, and I find it helpful. The times that I remember to do it, before doing a certain action, I throw these question to the field of experience, and repeat them: Why should I do it? What will I gain? What will I lose?

And sometimes I sit still for a little while, and let those questions to walk freely on my body-mind. Often no answer comes, but I don't fucking care about those fucking answers.

Oh, I found another good question now: Why should I do it now?

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/28/20 2:51 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, August 28, 2020, 8:59 AM

I am just writing this to not forget it. There are a lot of good practical points, but often I forget them when I need them. I guess that's true for everyone. Although I write down a lot of things, but I notice that when I am in that mode of forgetfulness regarding something, either I don't see that note, or if I see it, I ignore it. Makes this question bolder, that who the hell is doing what. Anyway.

About changing destructive habits, I've started questioning my actions, and I find it helpful. The times that I remember to do it, before doing a certain action, I throw these question to the field of experience, and repeat them: Why should I do it? What will I gain? What will I lose?

And sometimes I sit still for a little while, and let those questions to walk freely on my body-mind. Often no answer comes, but I don't fucking care about those fucking answers.

Oh, I found another good question now: Why should I do it now?

wow! Amen.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
8/31/20 3:48 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, September 1, 2020, 12:54 AM

The last 5 days started with intense restlessness. I couldn’t stick to any practice or productive activity. Just spending time with the screen, because otherwise there was an intense feeling of despair, loneliness and disconnectedness. That lasted for 1-2 days. Then I started practicing more, and for 2-3 days I was doing mostly relaxation, and Shinzen’s Auto Think with the recording of his day long Auto Think retreat in Monastic Academy that is on Monastic Academy’s SoundCloud. Also doing his Note Everything.

Last night I went to bed to sleep, and continued practicing there. More energetic sensations were arising, and there was more vibrations, and more noticing of arising and passing. Then this neighbor in upstairs started doing her daily routines! Moving furniture and walking fast, she walks in way like she is running. Damn woman. Her noise got stuck in my head, I tried everything that I could to sleep, but her noise became more and more annoying, and I started becoming angry. I stayed in bed for 5-6 hours, but couldn’t sleep and just became more and more angry. Then I gave up and got up. I was so angry that I don’t remember being this angry in 10-15 years. I was cussing out loud for 1-2 hours after that. Then some more bad things happened. In the afternoon I decided to sleep, so that it help me calm down. Slept for 2-3 hours, and woke up, but I was as angry as before, with the addition of frustration, despair and sadness. It hasn’t changed much since then, only that it has become mostly despair, that it feels like not having air to breathe.

I didn’t go to office, because when there is an anger like this, I can easily get into fight with people, so I better not see and hear people.


-- Edit:
I was more than 20 days or a month that I didn't have any symptoms of sickness, and that was the first time in the last 5 months that I didn't have any symptoms for more than a week or so. But around a week ago I started having some of them. Then the next day after that a few more symptoms showed up, and they stayed for 3-4 days maybe, but were very mild, and faded out gradually during that 4-5 days. The second day they were more obvious, but overally they were pretty mild. Now it seems that they are gone.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/1/20 4:23 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, September 1, 2020, 1:34 PM

Last night I went to bed and started practicing there. There was intense energetic manifestations, my whole hips throbbing, or burning and electric shocks in my feet and hands, and stabbings, and a very painful tickling in the soles of my feet. Then I got sleepy or probably fell asleep, and at some point I noticed distortion in concepts. For instance, I was seeing image of a guy, my close friend’s father, and I guess I was thinking that he was “time”, and as he was getting older, that meant that time was shrinking. Or something like that, I don’t remember. Then I noticed that, oh this is weird, and then I thought, hmm this should be a dreamy state. I continued in that zone, maybe half awake half sleep, I don’t know, for 1-2 hours, I don’t remember dreams or perceiving much of external environment, but I was perceiving some sensations in my body.

Today after I woke up in the morning, the anger was gone. There was a relatively calm mind-state with a mild despair. Opened the window to get that first-sunlight-in-the-morning sunlight that Andrew Huberman talks about, but then the despair started becoming more intense and pervasive, and it is now the dominant mind-state present.

I notice that I get some of the feelings that I used to have in the past, but hadn’t for around 10 years maybe. I have a train ticket for tomorrow night to my hometown, and there are unpleasant feelings (in these contexts, read it as emotions) about that. For some years, I would have this feeling each time going there or coming back from there, that this is the end, there is no coming back, no return, this is a one-way road, with an unknown destination, I don’t know what will happen, where I will be, how I will be. So it would be a real challenge each time to leave the house, be it my house or my parents house. I would get a ticket, then postpone it for another day, then postpone for another day, I would go to the station, but get back home from there. It was unpleasant. Now I have the same feeling/mind-state.

Also I have pain in my bones, that I think is related to these emotions, and not other causes.

But at least there is something that I can enjoy: My nephew has bought a husky dog, and that can turn the earth into heaven, if I stay alive for a few more days.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/1/20 1:49 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Tuesday, September 1, 2020, 1:34 PM

Last night I went to bed and started practicing there. There was intense energetic manifestations, my whole hips throbbing, or burning and electric shocks in my feet and hands, and stabbings, and a very painful tickling in the soles of my feet. Then I got sleepy or probably fell asleep, and at some point I noticed distortion in concepts. For instance, I was seeing image of a guy, my close friend’s father, and I guess I was thinking that he was “time”, and as he was getting older, that meant that time was shrinking. Or something like that, I don’t remember. Then I noticed that, oh this is weird, and then I thought, hmm this should be a dreamy state. I continued in that zone, maybe half awake half sleep, I don’t know, for 1-2 hours, I don’t remember dreams or perceiving much of external environment, but I was perceiving some sensations in my body.

Today after I woke up in the morning, the anger was gone. There was a relatively calm mind-state with a mild despair. Opened the window to get that first-sunlight-in-the-morning sunlight that Andrew Huberman talks about, but then the despair started becoming more intense and pervasive, and it is now the dominant mind-state present.

I notice that I get some of the feelings that I used to have in the past, but hadn’t for around 10 years maybe. I have a train ticket for tomorrow night to my hometown, and there are unpleasant feelings (in these contexts, read it as emotions) about that. For some years, I would have this feeling each time going there or coming back from there, that this is the end, there is no coming back, no return, this is a one-way road, with an unknown destination, I don’t know what will happen, where I will be, how I will be. So it would be a real challenge each time to leave the house, be it my house or my parents house. I would get a ticket, then postpone it for another day, then postpone for another day, I would go to the station, but get back home from there. It was unpleasant. Now I have the same feeling/mind-state.

Also I have pain in my bones, that I think is related to these emotions, and not other causes.

But at least there is something that I can enjoy: My nephew has bought a husky dog, and that can turn the earth into heaven, if I stay alive for a few more days.
You are being quite negative. I support you in getting through this, You will stay alive my friend.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/1/20 2:25 PM as a reply to Sam Gentile.
Thank you Sam.
Sorry. Yeah I notice I've spread a lot of negative energy these few days. Sometimes it's too much and it spreads more.

Although the point about being alive..., I often take that as a practice. Even a light reminder of shortness of life brings a little more freedom.
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/1/20 9:56 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, September 2, 2020, 7:14 AM

I ended now a fire kasina sit, for around 70-90 minutes, it was the first one in a few months to do with a candle flame. Toward the end I focused on the fine movements of color statics. Red dot was brief, and not that bright. Very brief black dot, but a longer lasting green dot before and after black dot. For part of it I tried to visualize a photo realistic green and purple ball of color and that increased concentration. I also did this for sometime yesterday.

In the afternoon at the office, I was still drowning in despair, but then a technical issue that I was working on got fixed and that brought some relief. Then I noticed my other colleagues are stuck on another technical issue, and I started helping them. Although we couldn’t finish the task because of time limit, but things started moving much faster, and that brought positive energy, and caused my energy to increase a lot. Then I noticed that there aren’t much negative emotions/mind-states.

That old feeling that I had yesterday about going to my hometown isn’t there anymore, and actually I am looking forward to go there and visit the nature, and have rest with the care of family.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/2/20 2:23 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Wednesday, September 2, 2020, 7:14 AM

I ended now a fire kasina sit, for around 70-90 minutes, it was the first one in a few months to do with a candle flame. Toward the end I focused on the fine movements of color statics. Red dot was brief, and not that bright. Very brief black dot, but a longer lasting green dot before and after black dot. For part of it I tried to visualize a photo realistic green and purple ball of color and that increased concentration. I also did this for sometime yesterday.

In the afternoon at the office, I was still drowning in despair, but then a technical issue that I was working on got fixed and that brought some relief. Then I noticed my other colleagues are stuck on another technical issue, and I started helping them. Although we couldn’t finish the task because of time limit, but things started moving much faster, and that brought positive energy, and caused my energy to increase a lot. Then I noticed that there aren’t much negative emotions/mind-states.

That old feeling that I had yesterday about going to my hometown isn’t there anymore, and actually I am looking forward to go there and visit the nature, and have rest with the care of family.

hey shrouwb, remember what Ram Das said: if you think you're enlightened, just go home and visit your family! Imagine the benefits of a visit home to someone who is just plain fucked up! Humility is horrifying! But liberating.

Keep treading water in the ocean of despair, at high tide, and enjoy those walks on the beach when the tide is out. Play with the husky, love everybody in sight until you can't stand the sight of them anymore, and come back refreshed and grateful for the problems of routine life.

And keep sharing that "negativity," my friend. I get lonely without it. Can't imagine what I'll do when you go through a prolonged bliss phase, though I would be interested to see, lol.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/2/20 7:30 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim Farrington:
Siavash:
Wednesday, September 2, 2020, 7:14 AM

I ended now a fire kasina sit, for around 70-90 minutes, it was the first one in a few months to do with a candle flame. Toward the end I focused on the fine movements of color statics. Red dot was brief, and not that bright. Very brief black dot, but a longer lasting green dot before and after black dot. For part of it I tried to visualize a photo realistic green and purple ball of color and that increased concentration. I also did this for sometime yesterday.

In the afternoon at the office, I was still drowning in despair, but then a technical issue that I was working on got fixed and that brought some relief. Then I noticed my other colleagues are stuck on another technical issue, and I started helping them. Although we couldn’t finish the task because of time limit, but things started moving much faster, and that brought positive energy, and caused my energy to increase a lot. Then I noticed that there aren’t much negative emotions/mind-states.

That old feeling that I had yesterday about going to my hometown isn’t there anymore, and actually I am looking forward to go there and visit the nature, and have rest with the care of family.

hey shrouwb, remember what Ram Das said: if you think you're enlightened, just go home and visit your family! Imagine the benefits of a visit home to someone who is just plain fucked up! Humility is horrifying! But liberating.

Keep treading water in the ocean of despair, at high tide, and enjoy those walks on the beach when the tide is out. Play with the husky, love everybody in sight until you can't stand the sight of them anymore, and come back refreshed and grateful for the problems of routine life.

And keep sharing that "negativity," my friend. I get lonely without it. Can't imagine what I'll do when you go through a prolonged bliss phase, though I would be interested to see, lol.

love, tim


I loved this.

Any prolonged thing is boring. There are enough of those "n" shits emoticon

Thank you Tim. And I miss Ram Dass.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/10/20 11:39 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, September 11, 2020, 8:51 AM

I arrived home a few hours ago.

These were the things that were bold during this 8-9 days. I may write some details later.

1. I was enjoying nature a lot, more than before. Also enjoying visiting the old neighborhoods.

2. I had more care and compassion for everyone there. Most of the time seeing their suffering was the first thing apparent in communications.

3. It was kind of surprising how they were caught up in their thoughts, emotions and ideas, and couldn’t see a picture a little bigger than what they knew. I tried several times to explain another perspective, but it only added confusion and misunderstanding, so I tried not to do that. I got reminded what Jack Kornfield often says: Spare your friends and family, they don’t want you to save them.

4. I did a lot of physical work in the house and my sister’ farm, which was kind of new. I often don’t do that there to that extent if I stay less that 2-3 weeks.

5. I had the same experience while being in bed, similar to the previous two times, that immediately after relaxing, I was hearing all family members talking in my head, as if they are talking in the room, each of them talking about their own concerns. I think I was hearing their thoughts, and not my own thoughts, but it’s just a guess.

6. I couldn’t do sitting practice, but while practicing in bed, all visual forms would show up as some cartoony images, as if I can take the whole visual space with my hand, and turn it around, and see what is behind it.

7. There was more awareness around my own reactions, so I didn’t become angry, and I became upset only a few times. There are always situations there that it’s not easy to stay calm all the time, but there is a practice.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/11/20 4:30 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Friday, September 11, 2020, 8:51 AM

I arrived home a few hours ago.

These were the things that were bold during this 8-9 days. I may write some details later.

1. I was enjoying nature a lot, more than before. Also enjoying visiting the old neighborhoods.

2. I had more care and compassion for everyone there. Most of the time seeing their suffering was the first thing apparent in communications.

3. It was kind of surprising how they were caught up in their thoughts, emotions and ideas, and couldn’t see a picture a little bigger than what they knew. I tried several times to explain another perspective, but it only added confusion and misunderstanding, so I tried not to do that. I got reminded what Jack Kornfield often says: Spare your friends and family, they don’t want you to save them.

4. I did a lot of physical work in the house and my sister’ farm, which was kind of new. I often don’t do that there to that extent if I stay less that 2-3 weeks.

5. I had the same experience while being in bed, similar to the previous two times, that immediately after relaxing, I was hearing all family members talking in my head, as if they are talking in the room, each of them talking about their own concerns. I think I was hearing their thoughts, and not my own thoughts, but it’s just a guess.

6. I couldn’t do sitting practice, but while practicing in bed, all visual forms would show up as some cartoony images, as if I can take the whole visual space with my hand, and turn it around, and see what is behind it.

7. There was more awareness around my own reactions, so I didn’t become angry, and I became upset only a few times. There are always situations there that it’s not easy to stay calm all the time, but there is a practice.
hi shroubw, and welcome back. It sounds like your visit home was filled with compassion and a kind of gentle appreciation. So much for Ram Dass's great joke: you went home and what it did was deepen your right relationship with these beloved sentient beings (with all due allowances for humbling moments), and with nature, and with work, and with yourself. Shit! What's up with THAT?!
There are always situations there that it’s not easy to stay calm all the time, but there is a practice.

and may we practice well and truly, amen, my friend.

love, tim

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/11/20 12:07 PM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,
Thanks.

Yeah, it is a humbling opportunity for practice. Thankfully it was more positive than negative.
And also an opportunity to see the shortness of life. We had a neighbor that died, a very good guy, those unique creatures won't be present again ever. Now that the older generations are leaving their seats, it becomes more and more a reminder for death, and to use this limited time as best as we can. Each time I go there, Some people are gone, and as Hafez is saying something like: "The caravan's bell is calling, pack up, it's time to go".

Thank you for your help and support.


-- Edit:

BTW, I didn't get why this THAT is capital in!:

What's up with THAT?!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/12/20 3:58 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, September 13, 2020, 1:13 AM

Since I had less practice for a week, the base level of mindfulness was not good. Yesterday and today I tried to remind myself to be mindful but I was forgetting a lot. Now I guess it’s a little better.

The whole body feels very tired and sleepy. For most of the last week my body was tired because of the physical work, but I think this one is not much related to that. Earlier today I was about to go to office, but suddenly an intense nausea arose, and in a second my whole body started sweating, and losing energy and feeling weak. When it happens like that, I should be still and not move much, otherwise I have to vomit every bit of the shit in my stomach, and that is so unpleasant. So I lied down and was sweating for 30-40 minutes, then I fell asleep. There was some energetic sensations around the tale bone at that time and before that. I woke up around 8:00-8:30 pm.

Also yesterday there was some energetic sensations, mostly feeling like suddenly cold water touches some place in the body, and there was subtle shifts in the visual space with eyes open, like for half a second it looked like the scene in front of me is moving or rotating. Tonight after I woke up, for about an hour I had those bright violet/blue/purple colors/lights with eyes open, that were expanding and contracting and moving and morphing. That had not appeared for a few weeks I guess. Often there is sleepiness accompanied with those colors/lights. And now after that there is this tiredness. I guess this sleepiness and tiredness is related to shifts in states/stages.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/12/20 11:58 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hi Tim,
Thanks.

Yeah, it is a humbling opportunity for practice. Thankfully it was more positive than negative.
And also an opportunity to see the shortness of life. We had a neighbor that died, a very good guy, those unique creatures won't be present again ever. Now that the older generations are leaving their seats, it becomes more and more a reminder for death, and to use this limited time as best as we can. Each time I go there, Some people are gone, and as Hafez is saying something like: "The caravan's bell is calling, pack up, it's time to go".

Thank you for your help and support.


-- Edit:

BTW, I didn't get why this THAT is capital in!:

What's up with THAT?!

i meant that I almost hate to seem too positive sometimes, at the risk of inflation. "THAT" is capitals to emphasize the humorous counter-expectational reality, in light of the Ram Dass joke, the extraordinary "surprise" of the generally lovely tone I got from your visit home, as opposed to the kind of humbling or even humiliating puncturing of enlightened hubris that Ram Dass was joking about. Your visit really did seem to have been conducted in the already humble spirit of one who knows that "The caravan's bell is calling, pack up, it's time to go."

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/14/20 10:45 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Monday, September 14, 2020, 8:06 AM

I used to have this experience some years ago, and now it shows up again. Often after leaving my hometown.

It’s near sunset, and after that, I see images of the city, and all the people that I know, but either they all are dead, or I am dead, or both, but they are living their lives, doing things, in a kind of not-awake way, that they don’t know that bigger, shocking thing, and there are a lot of noise, but there is a quiet humming above all of it, and I am watching them, them walking dead people that don’t know what has happened. There is a loneliness in the whole scene, I am alone, they all are alone but they don’t know that. Everyone is alone. Nothing matters but they don’t know that. Nothing is important anymore, but they don’t know that. They are seeing but they are blind. They are hearing but they are deaf.

I think this is rooted in Quran, the descriptions of people coming out of their grave in the Quran in many places.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/14/20 7:20 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, September 15, 2020, 4:36 AM

I guess it was two or three days ago that I got a very strong itching reaction in my whole body. I thought it is because of the changes in my diet while being in my hometown and also because I was exposed to a lot of sun light. I think part of it was because of those two causes, but later I noticed that there are scratches in the places that I usually have sensations related to kundalini energy. And now it has become obvious that all those locations that often have energetic sensations, manifest that energy as itches, and also a coolness, as if it is in touch with cold water. Since yesterday the itches have become stronger and it feels like a mix of itching and stinging and scratching/stabbing. More frequently in the center of palms and soles, and the center of my forehead, and in the perineum.

And since yesterday evening I am feeling sick. It started like a flu, but later at night it became pretty much similar to the symptoms that I had during the last months after covid. Last night the aches and pains became quite intense, and I had shortness of the breath specially while in bed, but as always I think it was mainly because of anxiety. Today it feels better, but that “feeling better” gives me discomfort and irritates me, because I don’t have the justification for not working and meeting my responsibilities.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 12:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Monday, September 14, 2020, 8:06 AM

I used to have this experience some years ago, and now it shows up again. Often after leaving my hometown.

It’s near sunset, and after that, I see images of the city, and all the people that I know, but either they all are dead, or I am dead, or both, but they are living their lives, doing things, in a kind of not-awake way, that they don’t know that bigger, shocking thing, and there are a lot of noise, but there is a quiet humming above all of it, and I am watching them, them walking dead people that don’t know what has happened. There is a loneliness in the whole scene, I am alone, they all are alone but they don’t know that. Everyone is alone. Nothing matters but they don’t know that. Nothing is important anymore, but they don’t know that. They are seeing but they are blind. They are hearing but they are deaf.

I think this is rooted in Quran, the descriptions of people coming out of their grave in the Quran in many places.

I have lived this sustained versions of this experience for years. My last novel was from the point of view of a guy whose best theory of his condition is that he is dead, and in hell (that or, of course, insane; and the two are not mutually exclusive, lol), and that book was at least ten years in the writing, so it's pretty ongoing for me. I think a certain kind of depressive type person may go through this more or less "naturally" as part of the path: an extreme version of samsara seen and felt for so long that a kind of acceptance has occurred. 

The prophets of Judaism often talked of something like this: Isaiah (43:8) says, "

Bring out a people who have eyes but are blind, and who have ears but are deaf."  And Jeremiah (5:21) says, "Hear this, O foolish and senseless people, who have eyes but do not see, who have ears but do not hear." And Ezekiel (12:3): 

"Son of man, you are living in a rebellious house. They have eyes to see but do not see, and ears to hear but do not hear, for they are a rebellious house." 

Jesus also picked up on this theme frequently. The prophets are on fire with a wake-up call, but here on the ground, we are often the blind leading the blind ourselves, unable to articulate the call or find the healing action to give sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf, beginning with ourselves.

Mohammed said somewhere (in the hadith, I think), "Live as one already in the tomb." It is a weird image of a stage of liberation, awakening, and eyes to see and ears to hear, but awakening to a seemingly impossible and remedy-less horror. But we wake first to what is. I think that the good news is that in a desert, any water is obvious, and the greatest blessing: a vision like this prepares us for is to recognize the real thing when it presents itself as the gift it is. You will know, when you drink it; others will know, when it slakes their thirst. It is said that in a totally dark room, the human eye can perceive a single photon. (Of course, in a totally dark room, the human mind may already be hallucinating so strongly that it can't see the photon because it is absorbed in the visions of heaven and hell.) 

and so we practice, lol, dead men walking. Nice work, if you can get it.

love, tim


RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 3:40 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
I have lived this sustained versions of this experience for years. My last novel was from the point of view of a guy whose best theory of his condition is that he is dead, and in hell (that or, of course, insane; and the two are not mutually exclusive, lol), and that book was at least ten years in the writing, so it's pretty ongoing for me. I think a certain kind of depressive type person may go through this more or less "naturally" as part of the path: an extreme version of samsara seen and felt for so long that a kind of acceptance has occurred. 

You mean "Beauty for Ashes"?

I have lived this sustained versions of this experience for years.

I didn't notice!
I guess I wouldn't want that for a sustained period, but I am not sure.

I think a certain kind of depressive type person may go through this more or less "naturally" as part of the path

Yeah. The sunset type person!

Thanks for the references. And the reminder about the importance of being able to see the water in the desert.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 3:44 AM as a reply to Siavash.
yeah, "Beauty for Ashes" is the dead man walking novel, lol.

"sunset type person"! yup.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 7:13 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, September 15, 2020, 4:18 PM

Dear friends,
Any suggestion, advice, insight or practice/technique regarding unhelpful obsessions?

Well, there are different kinds of obsessions, and I have a number of different obsessive behaviors, but some of them are more unhelpful, because they use my time in a not helpful way, and create restlessness and mental-emotional pain. I would appreciate any advice or suggestion on how to deal with them better, or any insight that helps me understand them better.

Some of my family members also have obsessive behaviors, including my father.

I’ve noticed that sometimes I don’t have much obsessions, but other times it becomes quite pervasive and a big portion of my activities have some component of obsession in them, and some of them become very abnormal because of obsession. As far as I’ve observed, anxiety is one factor that increases obsession. Also I think it is related to the practice, and if I wanted to put it in PoI framework, during some of the nanas these obsession increase a lot, and become annoying. Based on just guesses and speculations, it is probably Reobservation that have the worst kind of these behaviors.

These are some example:
I record some data everyday about some of my activities, and for some of them I write the time that I’ve spent, and the next day I add it to the total time. When I want to add two numbers, sometimes it becomes pretty hard to become certain about the result. I was very good at math during my studies, and I loved it, also I have a relatively good memory, so it’s not about not being able to add numbers. For instance today I wanted to add 22:40 with 6:15, which doesn’t require me to think at all, it’s 28:55. But it took 6-7 minutes to write down the result. I even used calculator two or three times, but when writing the result, I just keep starring at the numbers, and add it with all different ways that I can think of, but that is not enough. Then I think about the wrong answers, and rejects them one by one, at some point I give up and write down the result.

Or when saving a file, I press command+s once, and the file is saved, but I repeat it at least several more times. Or even when coding with one of the IDEs that has auto-save option, and you don’t need to use manual saving at all, but I keep saving and saving and saving.

My guess is that probably I repeat, because I don’t trust my previous experience. Or I don’t trust my memory, or I don’t trust my sense input and the logic that I am applying to those sense inputs, but that is just a guess.

I appreciate any input.
Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 8:37 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Yeah, obsessions are crazy, but they aren't totally stupid. They are definitely there for a reason, they give us some positive result... the problem is they waaaaaay more exhausting than they need to be.

I have some soft suggestions...

(It seems like there are probably more direct methods of working on obsessions with a therapist --- they probably have lots of good methods/techniques.)

The soft suggestions include: 

I would recommend looking at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism and notice that pretty much all obsessions are used as a kind of psychological defense mechanism. If you can make the link between what you are doing and what you are trying to get from it, then you might be open to exploring less exhausting ways to get it done. You might also realize that you can substitute more mature approaches and accomplish the same thing.

It can also be good to read "self-help" books that talk about obsessions/defenses. I recently read "Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life" by Goulson and it was quite good.

I also stumbled on the book called Invisible Warfare by Mona Miller. Honestly, it's a mess of a book, but I really like the messy honesty of the author and how she recommends working with crazy psychological habits and problems.

I'm sure there are other books that do the same thing, maybe people have suggestions. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 9:09 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Thank you so much Shargrol.

I'll check/apply the resources you mentioned and report back later.

I'd love to work with a therapist, but currently with my work/financial circumstances, it's not accessible in the near future. I have different psychological issues that would benefit from working with an expert.

I forgot to mention in the previous post, that sometimes I am able to move on more quickly and repeat those behaviors less, and that is when I notice that there is a fear response with letting go, I am worried/afraid that what would happen if I let go and not check what I am doing more carefully, then I think to myself, ok let's move on and let whatever happens happen, and move on. Of course nothing bad happens after that!

Also based on your suggestion on George's practice log on 6 realms and five elements, yesterday I started to listen to Ken Mcleod's talks (started by his workshop on "Who am I?"), and I find that helpful to understand myself better psychologically.

Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 10:45 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Excellent!!!  Yes, six realms was very very very helpful to me. And five elements provides a good description of what happens at that moment we feel the fear response of letting go.

You might like this discussion of 5 elements: http://arobuddhism.org/articles/embracing-emotions-as-the-path.html In fact, I bet you will really like it.

People often forget that meditation --- and especially tantra --- is what existed for thousands of years before modern "psychology". It is a way of dealing with limiting/problematic worldviews (the six realms) and limiting/problematic psychological reactions (5 elements).

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 10:51 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I have another soft and immediate way to deal with such obsessive behaviors;

from your description it seems you are very much aware/mindful of the "knee-jerk" reaction to repeat the task. What you seem to fail at is to stop it as it happens so fast and you seem overpowered by it (not in control). 

What you can try and apply is;
Next time you notice the urge to save the file again, count to 10 first and then do it. It's not about you trying to stop it entirely but to wait with it for 10 seconds (or 5 seconds even) and then do the obsessive act. Like any practice this one too needs the will power to apply it and remembering to do it daily. This way you take some power away from it and will feel more in control of it.

Another thing that helps with paranoid obsessive actions is concentration practice (one is abiding more in the body than mind). Unification of mind-body. My paranoia was very severe. Back in the days I would check 10 times if I have locked the front door before bed time. Ki-breathing helped with this but took a few months of daily 30 minutes practice before I saw results. I think agnostic is practicing a similar breathing technique. It's good stuff. 
Btw, therapists didn't help with my paranoid obsessive disorder but ki breathing did. I haven't had any meds at that time.

Best wishes to you Siavash. 

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 11:10 AM as a reply to shargrol.
Interesting, to use 5 elements as a psychological framework/practice.

I'll check the link.

Thank you for your help Shargrol.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 11:12 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
I appreciate your suggestions Papa Che.

I'll use them and see what happens.

Thank you.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 12:18 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Ah, I had not noticed this obvious but very important point:

These destructive habits that I have, that I want to change but haven't had great success with them, smoking cigarette, drinking too much tea, and other ones, follow the same pattern as the obsessions that I mentioned above. A lot of the times I do them, and I do them again and again, not because I enjoy them, but because I am afraid of what would happen if I don't do them and just let go. This basic/fundamental fear is the things that drives them.

Hmm, now that I wrote this I realized that I've noticed this fear a lot of times in those habits, but either I've forgotten or I've ignored it, probably because it was painful to face it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 12:45 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Ah, I had not noticed this obvious but very important point:

These destructive habits that I have, that I want to change but haven't had great success with them, smoking cigarette, drinking too much tea, and other ones, follow the same pattern as the obsessions that I mentioned above. A lot of the times I do them, and I do them again and again, not because I enjoy them, but because I am afraid of what would happen if I don't do them and just let go. This basic/fundamental fear is the things that drives them.

Hmm, now that I wrote this I realized that I've noticed this fear a lot of times in those habits, but either I've forgotten or I've ignored it, probably because it was painful to face it.



It's kind of shocking, and at the same time comforting, to see now that this subtle but pervasive fear is what drives a lot (most?) of my actions and behaviors. (Probably that is what defines a aversive type personality?!)

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 12:55 PM as a reply to Siavash.
     I hope I don't offend by inserting myself into this conversation. But
as Ki breathing was mentioned I thought I may be able to share what
has been a main component of my practice for decades. I describe it
more as Hara, or as my teacher Grandmaster Min Q. Pai called it, “
breathing down”. I also have found it completely effective in
disrupting habits or compulsions of all types. By initiating the
technique consciously as soon as any impulse is felt, the impulse and
it's buildup is effectively extinguished.
    There are a few details, that many times are lost, when practicing this
breathing, and that make it much more effective. One misconception is
that the belly should act as a bellow that contracts on the out
breath and expands on the in breath. On the contrary, the stomach
should be completely relaxed at all times. Attention must be focused
on the point called Hara or Tantien, about two inches below the
navel. It is important to understand that following the breath is
secondary to maintaining the attention in that area. Maintaining the
attention in this area and simultaneously becoming aware of the
movement of the breath causes an expansion of awareness that
eventually stops self reflective thought. This awareness will, with
practice, encompass all input coming from the body and the
environment simultaneously.
     Anatomically there are two components that, although not studied scientifically
yet, may be what produces the health benefits that have been talked
about so much in traditional writings. One is the omentum;
“a curtain of fatty tissue that hangs down from our stomach and
liver and wraps around the intestines, and is known to play a role in
immune responses and metabolism, although exactly how that happens is
only dimly understood.”, which has been compared to the “sea of
chi”. This curtain is affected by the tension in the belly and one
of the surprising insights is to feel the movements it makes in
response to emotions.
The other is the psoas muscle that is activated when used to exhale
without tensing the stomach in the method I have described, “Superficially,
the psoas originates at the 12th thoracic vertebrae body and the
disks between vertebrae, it continues down the lumbar spine, passing
over the ilium and inserting into the lesser trochanter on the inside
of the femur bone.  Of this muscle it has been said by Liz Koch, a well known body worker,
”Coalescing the central nervous system with enteric (gut) brain, the
psoas literally embodies our deepest urge for survival, and more profoundly,
our elemental desire to flourish.... Illuminating an energetic resonance, our psoas
is truly a dedicated support system for being a coherent human
organism.”  My teacher used to refer to using this muscle as
“squeezing the kidneys”. It certainly feels this way, but
anatomically it makes no sense because the kidneys can't be squeezed.
     I hope this post helps in some way. There are many higher achievements
that are connected to this method of breathing. I first learned it in connection to martial arts
but it later fit neatly into my Zen practice.  It's now my 24/7 practice.  Try it out.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 1:19 PM as a reply to Angel Roberto Puente.
Thank you Angel Roberto Puente for your detailed explanation.

I sometimes use breath practice while focusing on that point below naval, that often intensifies energetic sensations (For me so far, they are mostly uncomfortable manifestations).

Previously for some months I focused more on the breath/energy practice, but I don't have a strong opinion about it yet. Although it's definitely interesting for me.
I'll ask some questions about it later, if that's ok with you.

Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 1:23 PM as a reply to Angel Roberto Puente.
Hi Angel.

I dont know if Ki breathing is same as what you practice but I find it impossible to do ki breathing 24/7 emoticon and here is a video where I demo this technique as practiced in Aikido and was tought by master Koichi Tohei. There are variations on how long one should wait in between the breaths but that is not so importan if you ask me. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mmb9imCsF40
I find its best to do this as soon one gets out of bed in the morning as it impacts the whole day in a positive way.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/15/20 2:04 PM as a reply to Angel Roberto Puente.
Hey guys, I recently found this website https://haradevelopment.org/
that has a lot of information I agree with. Forcing the breath into
any pattern is contrary to Hara breathing, in my opinion. The way to
establish the correct habit, when learning, which is actually very
natural, is to expel all the air by pressing the stomach towards the
spine like a bellow and then releasing the tension without making any
effort to start breathing. Pay attention to the Hara and let the
breathing start by itself. You will most likely notice that breathing
starts from the pit of the stomach. If you are sufficiently relaxed
the breath will continue upward and you will feel like it reaches the
crown of the head. It may take a little practice but, put the
emphasis on remaining relaxed and not trying to force the breath in
any way. Relax the roof of the mouth and the tongue so the breath way
in the throat opens and the sinus fills with air. Read thru the site
and I'll be glad to continue the discussion.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
Answer
9/16/20 5:36 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, September 17, 2020, 2:43 AM

Last night I slept earlier. A few hours before sleep there was a pervasive equanimity in the body, mind and space. I had to repeat the habits at least once, but there was no desire. Nothing. It was surprising. Kind of shocking. Maybe the first time in how many years. No contraction, no pleasure, no pain. I thought, oh the process that I started 8 months ago starts to bear fruits it seems. But that is not an end. That’s another beginning. There will be many more beginnings. Today there was less desire. Now there is more desire, because of the restlessness, this feeling of insecurity. This craving for pleasure, or craving for craving. A combination of despair and insecurity and craving for pleasure or something, creates a tension, a contraction, and out of it comes the behavior. It seems.

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9/16/20 6:18 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Yes, what you'll notice is that when a habit breaks up, we get more clarity of mind (we get an insight), but some of the freed up energy seems to go into the power of the remaining habits. So they seem more intense for a while. But the good news is we also develop more confidence and personal power too, so we can handle it! emoticon

So it's not a straight line from trapped to free, it's more like up and down progress that over time becomes freer and freer, but there are difficult phases throughout the whole process. It's really important to know ahead of time that somedays things will seem "worse than they ever have been". Just know it is normal.

(I guess you could argue that what really seems to happen is we get more and more sensitive to these remaining unhelpful desires, restlessness, and insecurity. So even though we're actually getting healthier and saner,  it can seem like things are getting worse. This is part of the dark-funny quip that Bill Hamilton said to Kenneth Folk "suffering less, but noticing it more.")

Hang in there. This stuff gets untangled through lots of little steps, not one big leap.

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9/16/20 6:26 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Yes, exactly. I agree with all of what you said.

Hang in there.

Thank you for your help and support.

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9/17/20 12:18 AM as a reply to shargrol.
"suffering less, but noticing it more."
           --- Bill Hamilton

t-shirt of the week, a clear winner.

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9/17/20 11:57 AM as a reply to shargrol.
[quote=
]
It seems much about judging and then forcing to get out of it.


Definitely not emoticon  The goal is to understand how the mind works and how we get trapped in the realm. So once we see anger, greed, obeying, desiring, jealousy, or pride --- don't change a thing. Notice how the world of a hell being, hungry ghost, animal, human, titan, and god works. Notice how the worldview is colored by the assumption that things need to be opposed, taken, followed, seduced, achieved, or maintained. That's the goal.

If you leave the world quickly, you don't get to learn how the trap is created and you'll get trapped again ;) You'll lash out at the situation, or grab for something better, or follow the letter of the instruction but not the actual spirit of the instruction, or you'll desire a better rebirth, or you try to achieve a better situation, or you will try to maintain what you already have... in other words, you'll just be reborn again as a hell being, hungry ghost, animal, human, titan, or god. emoticon

Yes the way out is to find enlightenment as a human... and the way to find enlightement is to desire to know the nature of mind and then we "won't be reborn". emoticon

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9/17/20 2:40 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
OH NO!!! I'm sorry Papa Che Dusko!!!!!!!!! I accidentally edited your post instead of replying. Dang! emoticon

I'm very very sorry.

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9/17/20 4:23 PM as a reply to shargrol.
shargrol:
OH NO!!! I'm sorry Papa Che Dusko!!!!!!!!! I accidentally edited your post instead of replying. Dang! emoticon

I'm very very sorry.

Ha ha emoticon I'm sure you were just lost in one of the realms when you did that emoticon 

No worries friend! Thanks for the reply. 

Just out of curiosity, when on your path have you found 6 Realms model useful? I wish I've asked Kenneth this and only assume he used it Post -Arahat as he did say that he uses it "even now" because we always go through these realms no matter where we are on the path or else.

It sure needs getting used to looking at the experience that way. I'm very much an inspiration lad, need to feel flash and bones in an idea, to light up passion for it otherwise it's just too dry for me. Maybe later down the road I will see it with different set of eyes emoticon 

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9/17/20 6:40 PM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
I was clearly in the hungry ghost realm -- I quickly ate your post and didn't even realize it and it gave me no satisfaction! emoticonemoticonemoticon

I found 6 realms helpful early on, because the model of being reborn in these worlds helped me see the way I had a tangle of urges that kept me in a cycle of suffering. It's hard for me to describe what my life was like, it was very confusing to me, but I started to see patterns...

A depressive attitude that clinged to bad news stories and (secretely) enjoyed seeing people fail --- it was really a hungry ghost addiction of negativity.

Then I would climb out of it get manic with desire -- very human.

Then I would push myself too far and I would crash -- very titan.

Then I would just grind along in a boring pattern -- classic animal.

But at the time, my life just sucked and I didn't understand why it was so up and down.

5 elements was I think the thing that started creating a framework for how emotions drove my whole existance -- even though externally I was an intellectual. But soon emotions moved too fast and were too vague to be much of a guide/focus.... and I started seeing the 6 realms. 6 Realms was more important for giving me a wider perspective. 

When I encountered the 6 realms teaching, I stopped getting distracted by the speed of emotions and started paying attention to the overall strategy and worldview that I was operating under. Regardless of what emotions where happening -- what was my general attitude? Anger? Greed? Wallowing? Wanting? Achieving? Pride?  I only had 6 categories to choose from. And I could see how anger just kept cycling in anger, greed in greed, wallowing in wallowing, wanting in wanting, achieving in achieving, pride in pride. Aha! So that's how it works!!

It really sucked for a while because I saw that everything I did was failing in real life. But at the end of the day, I sat down and watched how memories of the day all kinda fit the pattern of the 6 realms and I got a little wiser each day. Less of the same mistakes. Ahhh. And finally, even some simple joy in plain old life. Wow! Teasing this appart got me through most of the dark night.

Then Pre SE, the worlds became less important. Instead the whole thing was about intimacy with mind objects and cracking the big fractal of EQ. Mostly about appreciating how things were -- so simple, yet so impossible, until it wasn't.

Post SE, Second Path and Third path it became important again, because there is a lot ambition and strategy that happens. It seems like "now I know what is going on, I'm in charge" --- which is funny in retrospect. Pretty much all problems in meditation come from trying to game the system, but it takes a whiile to learn that. Took me a while (but much less time that before) to realize it's all the 6 worlds again, but now with jhana and "emptiness"! emoticon  In fact, on my third path retreat, I spent about a week watching myself alternate between titan and god  i.e. "I need to understand and get this" and "I know what it is, I have it" -- both of which are not quite correct. emoticon  I could feel ahh god and arrgh titian, in my mind and body, taking over my thinking, emotional, and body patterns --- quite amazing. 

But what was it that "knew" all of this? -- that's the real question!

Then 5 elements became important again, except on the very very very subtle level. I could see how my ego reacted when it "saw" emptiness. A whole reactive chain in about 1/4 of a second. Wow. A kind of clinging similar to 5 elements in the beginning, but so fast and so subttle that I never would have seen it when I started.

So definitely a kind of fractal appreciation for 6 realms (and 5 elements). Same idea, but different levels of subtlety at different times.

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9/17/20 10:07 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Thank you Shargrol for giving these details about your practice.
It was a relief to know about that. I see lots of similarities there in the first part with my life/practice.

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9/18/20 5:00 AM as a reply to Siavash.
emoticon

Wow, siavash, shargrol, and papa che, thank you for this wonderful conversation on the six realms and five elements. It's got me thinking in those terms too, and it's timely in light of a thread going right now on DhO about the Tibetan Book of the Dead, where we're finally getting past "Gosh, it will be interesting to see what happens when I die!"
 https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21658127

I found this, from the Aro website. i was somewhat familiar with it from reading David Chapman's wonderfully lively "tantrayana" stuff, but I hadn't really properly considered the six realms/five elements as a specific and fruitful model for the psyche as a whole. but it's wonderful, fruitful metaphor, in the best sense of a meta-pherein, literally a bridging notion to carry-across the gap "between". ("bardo" also means, literally, "between"):
In 1993 His Holiness the Dala’i Lama said that he no longer believed in the existence of the six realms as actual locations. Maybe now we can all relax. Maybe now we can explore this subject in terms of our own patterns and projections. This might offend the more traditionally minded; however, from whatever position you may wish to adopt – even from the point of view in which the six realms are actual locations – it needs to be understood that they are all contained within each other. Even from the medieval point of view there are six realms within each of the six realms and so on into infinity. That’s the bad news. Merely being human doesn’t make my rebirth a ‘precious human rebirth’ – it rather depends on whether I entrench myself in conditioning, or whether I allow my constructs to be challenged. However, there is some good news: you don’t have to die physically to be reborn and gain a precious human rebirth. This can be attained  – by recognising that we’re trapped in a web of patterns; and that at the very least, we’re ambivalent about whether we want to remain with those patterns or not.

Ngak’chang Rinpoche

http://www.aroencyclopaedia.org/shared/text/r/realms_ar_eng.php

love, tim

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9/18/20 1:06 AM as a reply to shargrol.
"But what was it that "knew" all of this? -- that's the real question!"

emoticon Ha! That's what I'm after but ain't easy to crack. I guess it's just an idea, knowing that's knowing itself. Practice will tell I guess. 

Thanks for the reply. I see you mention being an intellectual and likely the reason you found 6 Realm model easy to use. I'm more of a intuitive raw and abstract personality, and this 6 Realms seems too much of a gross rationalizing during day. It sure seems like much fun though playing in the land of 6 Realms emoticon It's like the Lord of the Rings emoticon It can make this journey a much more interesting indeed! 

I will ponder more on it as Kenneth also thought of it being of benefit especially during the day when off cushion. 



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9/18/20 2:44 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
I mean look at this Lord Tanka spinning the wheel, the amount of work he puts in to swirl it around and around ... and Buddha only invested energy in pointing one finger to the Moon emoticon Reminds me of Mahamudra, the great gesture of looking at what can not be seen and resting in it. 

hampstead bbq

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9/18/20 3:13 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Sorry for highjacking your thread Siavash. 

I think it's really helpful for realized folks like yourself, shargrol and Kenneth, to mention that you folks too experience lower realms in your daily life. Kenneth told me that he often falls into Hungry Ghost realm, craving for Doritos and a 6 pack of Guinness and once seen one can either commit to it or not. 

If one only looks through Theravada then in case of a stream enterer one can not fall again into the lower realms, like at all emoticon which I think is bullshit fused with hardcore Jhanic absorption emoticon 

Sure, lower realm intensity might go softer and less heavy and less graspy but certainly it's still there within the great Wheel of living and dying. 

This aspect alone makes me like the 6 Realms model. It frees one from superficial bullshit and opens one up to the fact of constant cycling. Up on the pedestal, then right down into the mud, then up then down again, who flies high falls low, on and on it goes and humbleness is the only good result in this cycling rock and roll.  
It also brings one closer to all other beings no matter in what realm they might be stuck right now as one is not riding on the high horse of attainments. 

Any way, emoticon sorry for taking over your thread Siavash. 

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9/18/20 5:53 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Tim, you magnificent creature --- I have been looking for that link to the  6 Realms Aroter page for a long long time. I had it linked and lost it. THANK YOU!

http://www.aroencyclopaedia.org/shared/text/r/realms_ar_eng.php


p.s. "Being reborn" is somewhat of a grey line instead of black and white... The essence of the teaching is that if you see the world you are in, well, you aren't really IN it anymore. It's more of a place that you are visiting as a buddha. It's just like mindfulness -- if you see it as a worldview, you aren't fully embedded in it as an unconscious attitude. And there are interesting ways of relating to each realm as a budha, which is another part of the teaching.    I think this makes practical sense, The way you related to hell beings (including ourselves) is to cool them and hold up a mirror so they can see themselves clearly. The way to relate to Gods (including ourselves), who are hard to reach because their life is so good as it is, is to "entertain" them with aspects of the dharma... etc.

It's not that someone awakened never has flavors of opposition, taking, habit, wanting, achieving, or maintaining in their consciousness... it's more a matter of whether this attiude is unconsciously running the show or not. So for practical purposes "craving for Doritos and a 6 pack of Guinness and once seen one can either commit to it or not" is not quite hungry ghost realm if the craving is seen and there is the ability to choose --- you know what I mean?

But obviously this can also become an easy excuse for people, too,, so grey lines, while practical, can be unhelpful. "I'm not a hungry ghost, I eat a bag of doritos and drink a 6 pack of Guinness but I know I'm doing it, so it doesn't count, I'm not a Preta" -- somewhat doubtful.


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9/18/20 6:29 AM as a reply to shargrol.
emoticon

 lol, de nada, amigo. beginner's luck.

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9/18/20 7:31 PM as a reply to shargrol.
Hey Shargrol,

You might like this discussion of 5 elements: http://arobuddhism.org/articles/embracing-emotions-as-the-path.html In fact, I bet you will really like it.

Yes I liked it, thanks. Although I haven't read the next pages that are linked, yet. The practice that he describes at the end, looks similar to Shinzen's way of working with emotions.


Tim, thanks for that other link. I'll read it later. It was interesting to know Dalai Lama's opinion about 6 realms.

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9/19/20 5:04 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, September 20, 2020, 1:01 AM

Sometimes, or more often recently, I think that probably the most important thing that I need to do in my practice, is to pay attention or be aware, while being relaxed, and keeping my body relaxed.
Since childhood my body-mind has been trained in this way that, as soon as I want to pay attention, the whole body becomes tense, and that has almost become part of the definition of paying attention. And it’s not tensing in one level, there are layers in layers. A lot of times I relax some muscles, then check my whole body and notice that it seems that it’s all relaxed, and I don’t see any tense muscle, but then I notice that oh, I’ve tensed my whole torso, or head and neck, or legs or more! Often it’s not easy to find that kind of tensions. And if I insist on keeping the muscle relaxed, it started to tense from the inside, and it’s like the tissue is twitching from the inside and becomes painful. I like Ken Mcleod’s way of phrasing and describing the process of paying attention: Rest in the breath (for example — the point being the resting, instead of focusing and narrowing attention)

Last 2-3 days were full of pain, mostly emotional. Normal end of month situation, when I had a break in the middle of it from work. Yesterday I practiced more, and last two days I listened to and practiced with Ken Mcleod’s Five Elements/ Five Dakini retreat recordings. I like him, specially when he is in a conversation with Hokai.

Today I had to go to bank, to check a problem. There were some organizational issues in the morning, which made me to express anger, although I had equanimity while doing that. It was interesting. I was waiting for a moment that I’d lose it, but I kept being equanimous about, and while expressing anger. Going there and coming back, washed away that despair of last few days. And I could renew one of my cards in the bank, after procrastinating for a year. That was the best thing that happened.

-- Edit:
During those guided practices, Ken said that pay attention to the reactions in your body. And with both earth dakini and water dakini I felt a painful constriction in my throat, that went away maybe around 5 minutes after ending the practice.

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9/19/20 4:46 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Sunday, September 20, 2020, 2:03 AM

I don’t know if this is related to nanas (meaning a correlation with A&P maybe), or some changes in this kundalini energy, or because I was satisfied with my work today (it can cause these effects I think), or a combination of them:

This past night I’ve only slept 1.5 hours, and since last few days there was so much restlessness and despair and I had difficulty breathing, in the morning before going to the bank I took half a pill alprazolam, which normally makes me very very sleepy. But I wasn’t sleepy the whole day, and now still I am not sleepy, and I just want to stay awake (although I will sleep in 1-2 hours). Also I am typing much faster than usual. If I had to work now on some technical issues I would be very productive (I wish I would work now instead of..). And this last few hours there has been some subtle or not so subtle semi-joy thing, like I have the intuition that something good will happen, or something wants to flourish, or something in my being wants to jump out of my skin because it can’t stay in that cage, or something. And there is more clarity in the attention, and less tension in the muscles. The pain and burning sensations that I had last few days in my back, chest and sides, which seemed to be all around the right lung, is not there today.

Oh, I had not noticed this one in relation to these changes: Today there has been much less itching. Often practice causes a lot of itches in my whole body. There are itches now but much less than those other times.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/19/20 9:32 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Hi Siavash!

I suffered from lot of obsessive/compulsive behaviors over the years, some of them similar to yours. In my case they are usually related to anxiety and the need to reassert some form of control. Now if I feel "the urge" then I try to identify the feeling of anxiety in the body and relax into it, which usually lessens the urge. A lot of people have similar kind of comfort behaviors without really being aware of it or thinking of it as a problem. Once you start being aware of it and thinking of it as a problem then it can make it worse by creating anxiety about your anxiety. I don't know if it's anxiety or not in your case, but it's definitely useful information that your brain/body is trying to give you. Hopefully mindfulness can help you track it down to its source.

Best
George

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9/20/20 6:39 AM as a reply to agnostic.
Thanks George,

Yes I think it's anxiety, but my guess is that it's insecurity that is the cause for anxiety, but as you say, it requires more observation. Thanks.

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9/20/20 9:19 AM as a reply to Siavash.
I have started applying the "10 seconds wait" technique before taking chewing tobacco which is my terrible obsession. It's been only a week so too early to say but will update you if I feel falling away or even lessening of the obsession. 

So far I can sense more "distance" from the urge as it's being more objecitified each time I count to 10 before placing the tobacco under my lip. 

Time will tell.

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9/20/20 9:35 AM as a reply to Papa Che Dusko.
Thanks.
That doesn't work for me. I tried it again the last days to wait for 10 seconds, but nothing.
In the past I would wait more, minutes, an hour, and about some of the habits I do it always, wait an hour. But it only change the numbers, that doesn't decrease the urge. My thing is that, I should come to a point that I don't want to do something, or there is no point in doing that, otherwise if there is an urge to do it, I'll do it, no matter how much I wait or how much pain there is. Not that it is a good thing, I don't think it's a bad thing either. That is how it has been so far.

I know that I am mixing two different habit patterns here.

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9/20/20 9:54 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Ok I see. I wish you find the way to untangle that issue. All the best to you! 

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9/20/20 10:12 AM as a reply to Siavash.
In my experience the urges still arise, sometimes very strongly, but the assumption that I have to act on them has been weakened. It's about creating the tiniest bit of space between the urge and the action, so that you can see that the urge is one thing and the action another. Urges are just things that arise in response to anxiety and eventually pass, like anything else.

You know that giving in to the urge reinforces the pattern and makes the urges stronger right? I don't know if it helps to frame it this way, but it sounds like hungry ghost behavior - feeding on something which gives just the tiniest bit of satisfaction before making you even more hungry for another bite.

I really feel for you because these urges dominated my life for a long time before the link weakened. Even thinking about it now is making me quite anxious and bringing up urges! Just remember, this too will pass and one day soon you will realize that a surprising amount of time has passed without worrying about urges.

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9/20/20 10:17 AM as a reply to agnostic.
Thanks George.

The thing that I am talking about, yes it seems more hungary ghosts. Maybe it gives a tiny satisfaction, but I think the thing that keeps it, is, to repeat the wrong habits, to postpone facing that reality that will appear if you stop doing that. That seems frightening. When analyzing it, there isn't anything frightening (Have done that a number of times). Yes there is discomfort, but so what. But the body doesn't understand that always. It requires Job's patience and Noah's consistence.

Thanks.

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9/20/20 2:41 PM as a reply to agnostic.
Thank you again George for this post.

That previous post of mine was not very precise, I think I decided to ignore details, but your post reminded me of how it actually is. The picture is much more comlpex than what I drew there. Simplifying it doesn't help. It's an ongoing play/battle/fight/dance/.../ with the urges.

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9/22/20 11:31 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, September 22, 2020, 7:44 PM

Last night I had a flying dream after some months that I hadn’t. During last weeks and months I had a few dreams that I was gliding or running that are in the same category, but not flying. By that running I mean, there are many stairs and I am going up, or down, in each step jumping over 4-5 stairs and then I do it with one leg and it’s effortless. Sometimes I do it on a high wall, moving down effortlessly and safely.

Today I had some gliding like that, it was on the floor which was cement I think, but I was gliding like it’s ice, and I continued doing that to grab the attention of the person that was walking there, I don’t know who she/he was. Then I started flying: Intending to go up and then going up in the air and moving effortlessly. I saw an old friend twice while doing that, and I moved around for a little while. It was a park I guess. But then I noticed I am losing energy and don’t have enough power to stay up. This happens always. And I tried to jump a little higher by intending (and probably tensing abdominal muscles, I am not sure), and kept going and then made effort again and again. Then I was in the house, coughing, and my mother was there. I thought, now this is covid, and I am coughing without any face cover and they will be sick soon. Then started using my arm as face cover. The look in my mother’s face was telling I have the sickness.

Those obsessions that I mentioned previously have become less problematic since writing about them. I read some of the suggestions and continue doing that which is very helpful, also I think just writing about it brings a new level of awareness to the situation. I noticed these days that when I want to repeat those activities, for instance hitting the save button, immediately I think, what’s the point, you don’t need to do it. And it ends there.

I think I write these because I am bored and restless.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/22/20 1:19 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Tuesday, September 22, 2020, 9:36 PM

I notice that I feel guilty when I don't practice more, but I feel guilty only when I haven't worked that day. If I have worked, but not practiced more, then it feels right. Because a lot of times meditation serves as an acceptable way of spending time, instead of working, to not feel guilty/ashamed that I haven't worked.

This last week I was struggling with working from home, since I don't want to go to office because of covid, but I can't get myself to work from home, and that becomes the cause for despair and restlessness/anxiety. Today I decided to define only very very small goals, and only focus on that and let go of the rest of it: Let's work for 5-10 minutes and stop after that if it becomes difficult to continue. Let's change only that two lines of code, and let the rest of it for later. And it seems that it can work, if I keep doing it and not forget it.

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9/22/20 8:42 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Wednesday, September 23, 2020, 3:50 AM

I forgot to mention this one: Last night while practicing, for sometime I focused on the mental image space, trying to untangle physical sensations in my head from their mental images. I did these experiments:
I am aware of physical sensations in my head and face, and I try to see myself in my mind from the above, like a meter (3+ feet) above my head. I get a mental image of my face, and I try to see only that image, a 2D image as my head, and not assume that there is 3D head there. I see image of my body with the eyes open, and I try to think that that is the whole image of my body at this moment, no head, no back and etc. I drink water, and feel its physical sensations, and I try to think that there isn’t a mouth there or a head there, it’s just a hole in the space and some water goes somewhere (Actually there isn’t any water, it’s just some images and physical sensations moving and changing), that’s it. I feel physical sensations of my eyes, and see mental images of my eyes, and I try to see only those images as the images corresponding to my body at this moment, without a head connected to those eyes, and so on.

After sometime I noticed that there is a little more clarity around the images of my head. Also when having a mental image of my face, I thought: Well, this is a vague memory of an image that I’ve seen in a mirror in the past, and that was an image at that time, it doesn’t correspond to what is actually here now. I’ve seen many other images of other objects and people in the past, what is the actual difference between images of those objects/people, and this image that I think is my head?

Today with the trick that I described about small goals for working from home, I was able to work for two hours. Then I went to get my dinner, and when I came back, I noticed a little urge to cut my hair. I was thinking about it for a few days because I needed a haircut, but I was thinking about doing it myself both because of covid and my financial situation. After this little motivation, I thought I should trap myself, because if I start it, I have to end it and can’t have my hair half-cut. So I did it, I didn’t shave it this time, but it’s almost bald now. And since I did the haircut, I had to take a shower too, and it didn’t look good without shaving my beard, so I did that too. It took more than an hour the whole thing, but it was a good trap and I was satisfied at the end. It was the only way that I could do it in my current situation. After that I continued to work for 2-3 more hours. Since this part of work didn’t require much thinking, it was easier to do it (Updating softwares, writing work logs, reorganizing files and etc). After doing these, now there is more confidence and equanimity. The difference in feeling weak and powerless when not working, and feeling strong when working is quite noticeable.

-- Edit 1:
Although today I feel much better than previous days, but a sense/feeling/mind-state of despair keeps arising frequently. Tonight I noticed and it became more clear to me that I don't have much clarity around this despair, in terms of its exact sensations. I should use it as a meditation object more.

-- Edit 2:
I notice that when this despair becomes more predominant, the urge to consume becomes stronger, and I feel weaker. The urge to distract myself becomes stronger too.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/24/20 3:23 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Thursday, September 24, 2020, 11:33 AM

I skipped the night before last night and didn’t sleep, then I slept yesterday evening, and woke up once but was asleep for 12+ hours. While waking up and after it, there was jaw clenching, I was trying to open my mouth but couldn’t do it immediately. I could open it after 10-20 seconds each time. I remember two dreams, both had fear element. In the second one, my brother and probably the rest of the family were suspected and were trying to know what I am doing. I was upset. We were on the road, and after we stopped I went to a bathroom there, it was pretty dirty, its door kept opening and falling on me, and I couldn’t do what I was trying to do. Then someone said: they left. I thought, they wouldn’t leave me behind, but he said, they left.

In the first one, we were waiting for some attack. The guy there, a police special force officer, gave guns to me and the other guy, and we had to wait for the attackers and we were waiting for a gun fight. Then some high ranking officials came, and we sat with them for a few minutes(?) but then went outside again. The gun had a password so I couldn’t operate it. I was asking that officer what is its password, and each time he wanted to answer, something kept distracting him.

Yesterday I tried to focus on mental talk space for some minutes, but I found it difficult. There was strong resistance to it, and I was forgetting to be mindful. I kept returning back to it, but each time after some second/minutes I was forgetting. In the first year or so of my practice, I was mostly using Shinzen’s See In and Hear In, so I had pretty good awareness of mental talks and images. But this last year, the way I practice, mostly is that I focus on the body and visuals (including mental images), but the mental talks keep going on in the background, and get excluded from the awareness. So there is resistance there to awareness. I sometimes focus on the mental silence or nada sound, but often don’t focus only on mental talks, but that’s not enough. I have to return to that See In Hear In.

For sometime yesterday, there was spaciousness in the visual space, and visuals seemed to be clearer. Sometimes it seems that visual field is moving up and down with in-breath and out-breath. Also there was activations in the base of spine, and some strong energetic sensations: Coolness, itches, pains, throbbing and stabbing.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/25/20 2:24 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Friday, September 25, 2020, 10:33 PM

Yesterday since I woke up early, at first there was some tranquility. But then this thought arose that I should sleep earlier, so if I want to work I won’t have enough time. That looked like a deadline and started creating restlessness and despair. Later I tried to do small things that could bring some positivity. I washed some dishes, and since still there was energy, I made some food. I needed to go to an ATM to change some settings on my card. I did that too. And after I came back, I worked for 1-2 hours. That was better that nothing. Then I spent most of the remaining time, until today morning, practicing.

Mostly I focused on mental talk space, and also on the nada sound, and this mental quiet or silence and physical silence, that in one sense seems to be dimensionless, that attention can not land on it, and only gets close to it, and at the same time, seems to be vast and encompassing everything. Like usual it intensified energetic sensations, and some of the energetic manifestations that had not showed up recently, arose, and there were some new ones, like a tingly vibration on the tip of my tongue. For some minutes I tried to catch the exact moment that a mental talks arises, but I was missing the exact arising, and I was hearing the word when it was already playing.

Later there were stronger energetic activations in the spine, and the bright lights became brighter. In recent months this light appears in the center below the nose, and it’s bright white. Previously it was mostly golden and at the top of the field (although sometimes that appears too), or a dull white in the left side of the visual field. Then a craving arose for some opening or some intense experience and the craving and grasping was painful. That ended up in despair. Finally I was able to let go of it. During practice many vague images were arising as memories of the recent dreams, but none of them were clear enough to be able to know what they are. But they all had a sense of wonder. At the end I did a dakini guided meditation by Ken Mcleod. Then I was sleepy and was falling asleep, but kept doing a mixture of techniques for a few hours, out of restlessness. There was aversion to sleep but I went to bed around 9 AM.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 2:10 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Mostly I focused on mental talk space, and also on the nada sound, and this mental quiet or silence and physical silence, that in one sense seems to be dimensionless, that attention can not land on it, and only gets close to it, and at the same time, seems to be vast and encompassing everything. Like usual it intensified energetic sensations, and some of the energetic manifestations that had not showed up recently, arose, and there were some new ones, like a tingly vibration on the tip of my tongue. For some minutes I tried to catch the exact moment that a mental talks arises, but I was missing the exact arising, and I was hearing the word when it was already playing.

hey shrouwb,

the territory of the quiet or silence is so fruitful. I distinguish between "quiet," which can generally be brought about through practice, and "silence," which to me is the quiet suddenly turning all-encompassing, dynamic, warm, and intimate, and which feels like grace. You can see everything arise in that.

love, tim



RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 3:00 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Hi Tim,

and "silence," which to me is the quiet suddenly turning all-encompassing, dynamic, warm, and intimate, and which feels like grace. You can see everything arise in that.

This is great.
I hope to get some taste of these qualities.

The word/phrase that often is in my mind for this quiet/silence, which I forgot to mention in the above post, is "quiet stillness", which I think silence, I mean auditory silence is one facet of it.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 3:54 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Hi Tim,

and "silence," which to me is the quiet suddenly turning all-encompassing, dynamic, warm, and intimate, and which feels like grace. You can see everything arise in that.

This is great.
I hope to get some taste of these qualities.

The word/phrase that often is in my mind for this quiet/silence, which I forgot to mention in the above post, is "quiet stillness", which I think silence, I mean auditory silence is one facet of it.
i often think of it as "turning into" or "turning toward" the quiet. As equanimity arises, the quiet becomes very accessible, and even becomes just about everything, with what arises and passes away moving against the background of quiet. And this is do-able, with good technique, and no-ambition, no-striving, just letting the quiet be, letting what arises come and go: classic equanimity. The mystery is that transition from "quiet," which is do-able, to "silence," which is not. So i just try to stay quiet, lol.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 6:40 AM as a reply to Tim Farrington.
Well, that's the secret: to stay quiet! As Punjaji used to say.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 7:06 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Saturday, September 26, 2020, 2:49 PM

A very interesting dream.

I woke up, and noticed that I am awake, then started opening my eyes, and opened them, saw the ceiling and its lights, then noticed drapes in my right side and some fancy things around it, and I thought, I don’t have these in my house. Then I looked more, and there was a big samovar in my right side with kettle and cups. At that point I realized, oh this is one of relatives’ house (No one has a house like that actually), and I’ve slept there and I am alone there. Then I got up and sat, and noticed there is another big samovar, and with tea in the kettle above it. I decided to drink from the tea, but a thought arose about how my actual house and my room and its ceiling is. I thought, I should stop this thought here, otherwise I’ll be jumped out of this space/dream and will be back to my room. But I couldn’t and I had another image of my actual room, and then I was asleep again in my bed, and immediately I noticed I am about to wake up, and I woke up and opened my eyes, and saw the ceiling and rolled my eye around a little, and thought, yeah I am back in my room. Then I was asleep again, and was seeing myself, in a vague image, having some traits, there was a number, 3, which I don’t know what it was, probably the number of those traits, and I was thinking, I will wake up now, but these traits won’t be back with me after waking up. But there was someone else, that I was thinking that the traits that he/she has, will be back with him/her after waking up. I couldn’t know who that was or what those things or traits were. And then I woke up and I was in my room and none of that could come back with me!

I needed to record this to not forget it before going back to sleep.

30 minutes after waking up, and I am still clenching my jaw and it’s difficult to keep my jaw open.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 12:53 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Mostly I focused on mental talk space, and also on the nada sound, and this mental quiet or silence and physical silence, that in one sense seems to be dimensionless, that attention can not land on it, and only gets close to it, and at the same time, seems to be vast and encompassing everything. Like usual it intensified energetic sensations, and some of the energetic manifestations that had not showed up recently, arose, and there were some new ones, like a tingly vibration on the tip of my tongue. For some minutes I tried to catch the exact moment that a mental talks arises, but I was missing the exact arising, and I was hearing the word when it was already playing.


Hi Siavash, this may help. Once there's some quietness, you may ask/order yourself: "What will the next thought be?" That usually triggers a deeper silence, and so when a though eventually pops up, you'll be alert to its very beginning. But as you already know from Shinzen Young, it's more interesting when thoughts vanish, where do they go to. When I practiced his stuff, I noted that when a thought (abruptly) vanishes, the attention went back to the observer... Nowadays what I'm perceiving is a ping-pong between mental objects and the observer.

Hope this helps!

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 1:27 PM as a reply to Pepe.
Hi Pepe,
Thank you for your suggestion. I'll try it and see what happens.

Since doing these See In Hear In these years, I notice there are several different layers to mental talk space, as if there are several parallel lines made of silence, and the thoughts/words are playing on these lines. Like lines on a notebook with words on them. Often what happens is that there are not much talks in the closer line, the line that its voice is louder and clearer, and its words seem to be closer, and most talks happen in the farther lines that are not loud and seems to be farther than me/my head/.. . What happens is that it seems that the silence I am perceiving is in one line, but the words are in a different line, so when focusing on the silence, I am not totally present on that line that words are playing, so I miss the exact arising. I hear it fully, but I am missing that point where the first part of the voice starts to arise from the silence. I don't know these made any sense or not, but this is how it looks to me at this point.

Thanks.

-- Edit:
When I practiced his stuff, I noted that when a thought (abruptly) vanishes, the attention went back to the observer... Nowadays what I'm perceiving is a ping-pong between mental objects and the observer.

This is interesting. I experimented with it a number of times now, it seems that every time, at the moment when a mental talk ends, attentions falls back to the image of my head/face. Like it was hooked to the talk or talk space, and talk ends and it unhooks and falls to the default image of the face! Needs work! Thanks.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 5:06 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Siavash:
Since doing these See In Hear In these years, I notice there are several different layers to mental talk space, as if there are several parallel lines made of silence, and the thoughts/words are playing on these lines. Like lines on a notebook with words on them. Often what happens is that there are not much talks in the closer line, the line that its voice is louder and clearer, and its words seem to be closer, and most talks happen in the farther lines that are not loud and seems to be farther than me/my head/.. . What happens is that it seems that the silence I am perceiving is in one line, but the words are in a different line, so when focusing on the silence, I am not totally present on that line that words are playing, so I miss the exact arising. I hear it fully, but I am missing that point where the first part of the voice starts to arise from the silence. I don't know these made any sense or not, but this is how it looks to me at this point.

That makes totally sense to me. That's what I call conscious thoughts (first, closer line) and unconscious thoughts (second, more distant line) in my practice log.

  • The conscious thoughts are the ones you (more or less) feel ownership of, that you recognize that comes from your mind-flow (eg. you got an insight from observing phenomena and that triggers an involuntary second verbal/image thought).
  • The unconscious ones are thoughts that come from nowhere (or that could be an answer of a submind to a thought that the conscious mind had even 2 minutes before), it could be proto-thoughts (a sequence of loose words, syllabels, or even the sonic contour of someone speaking in your/other language, or also images with people speaking but that you can't hear their words, and a submind of yours is trying to fill the gap, putting words/sounds to their mouths movements).
  • There are also singing melodies, that may fit as conscious or unconscious thoughts, depending of the context. 
  • There are also synesthesic thoughts, that involve some aural words plus some kind of morphed physical space (that may include some kind of amorphous image). I catalogue them as 'unconscious' thoughts just because they involve some unconscious connection of subminds. But that's just a working hyphotesis.
The sound of unconscious thoughts may sound slower and or the pitch lower, if your concentration is deeper.

Disclaimer: I regularly use earplugs (because my street is too noisy) and so the unconscious thoughts pop up easily. But even if I'm not using them (say, the first 30' of the session) I'm trained enough to spot them. The use of earplugs may not be a wise choice for people with mental illness record (not a message specific for you Siavash).

Did several grammar editing
  

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 5:11 PM as a reply to Pepe.
Thanks Pepe for this explanation. I read unconscious thoughts before in your log and it was unclear to me what you mean.

Yeah I notice these other categories you mentioned. Sometimes I notice that I am hearing the talk, but none of the words are clear and I don't recognize any of the words, but I understand the meaning.

Shinzen explain two other levels of talk (and image) space. After the more distant talks, it's just the subliminal activity in the talk space, that we notice only the flow there, that there is some activity in talk space, without knowing what the actual talk is. And the next layer of it, there is only a tug toward mental talk space (or mental image space), and there isn't any talk or flow, and we just notice a pull of attention toward the talk space.
I was able to notice these two layers of it when I was doing See In Hear In regularly, but my clarity has
diminished since I don't do it regularly.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 5:35 PM as a reply to Siavash.
Yep, the subliminal activity I connect it to the string of syllabels, or contour sounds mimicking a phrase, or the rotor-blades vibration in the head-space. Kind of ta-ta-ta-ta... 

That last layer that Shinzen mentions, of the 'a tug toward mental talk space', is something different from (silent) 'intentions'? Is applied attention a thought? That's intriguing. Food for thought (no pun intended emoticon)  

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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9/26/20 5:54 PM as a reply to Pepe.
That last layer that Shinzen mentions, of the 'a tug toward mental talk space', is something different from (silent) 'intentions'? Is applied attention a thought? That's intriguing. Food for thought (no pun intended emoticon)  

What I understand, based on my experience of it, is that for example, the attention is on a sensation, but then you notice that the attention is drawn to the mental talk space, or mental image space, without noticing any auditory or visual content there, it's just that you know that you are drawn to that space, to the hearing part of the mind, or the seeing part of the mind without hearing or seeing any content at all. There could be a similar tug toward feel space too. I am not sure that he uses it differently from the intentions or not.

And there is the next level based on Shinzen, and that's when the mental talk space collapses.
Or the mental image space collapses, in his words into a dimensionless point.

RE: Siavash's Practice Log 3
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10/1/20 8:49 AM as a reply to Siavash.
Ending this practice log here. The new practice log:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/21689099