PCE's, Goenka course, now no PCE's

John White, modified 12 Years ago at 8/7/11 11:47 AM
Created 12 Years ago at 8/7/11 11:47 AM

PCE's, Goenka course, now no PCE's

Posts: 61 Join Date: 8/16/10 Recent Posts
I'm in a strange space, having recently finished a 10 day Goenka course, and was hoping for some guidance/advice. Briefly, before taking the course, what I believe were PCE's were happening regularly. Nothing which others have described as "full blown", but still very distinct and astonishing states of apperception during which there was clear and direct perception of sensate reality with no distortion whatsover - mostly tactile, visual, and taste, along with the other qualities of centerlessness, affectlessness, wonder, and more which I will try to describe. (Hearing it seemed was still not so crisp, it was still mixed with mind noise, at least when I would apply extra attentiveness to it, and I may now have some insight into this.) Anyhow now, after the course, that access to PCE's has gone. It may be that I am letting go of my attachment to them, that perhaps I have taken a few steps back and am letting nature operate without me trying to control. I'm not clear this, am still sorting things out.

My intentions going to the 10 day were mainly to see if the retreat environment, where it is much more conducive to attentiveness nearly every waking moment, would have a positive effect on the PCE’s, in terms of lengthening them and deepening them and basically just having the space to explore them. At this point I’m unsure what the effect was, other then losing access to them like I had before the course.

The funny thing is, PCE's started happening naturally this spring. I had for the most part stopped practicing actualism late last fall, I was doing mostly insight, though AF has since last year been on the back burner, always within view. I can't pinpoint what it was that started these PCE's, as so much has happened in the last year in terms of practice and progress. It does seem, as I've posted about previously, that doing vision therapy was a key element, as this really intensified attentiveness to vision, and made it clear that reality was always, when eyes were open at least, in direct contact with the brain. But I think there has been a combination of things, one important one I'm fairly sure has been a genuine and unbending fascination with simply being alive and conscious, and always wanting to explore this as deeply as possible on a sensate, experiential level. And as awareness got sharper, and more sensitive, my intrigue would grow even stronger, it seemed to be a natural and palpable force, a very strong draw to just keep exploring, with even more and more sensitivity. I think this natural fascination implies both felicity and naivety.

Another possible factor contributing to the spontaneous occurrence of PCE’s (at least it seems – very slippery stuff here) was something along the lines that Nick mentioned, which felt to me like exteriorizing the 6th jhana. I’m sure I can’t describe this any better than Nick did – it just seemed at times, while on walks on the streets of Bangkok, that I was inside out, that somehow the extreme sensitivity I was experiencing internally was now external – that now there was contact between the two. It was a very strange, but very alluring experience.

I should add that another reason I decided to do the 10 day, was that it seemed I had hit a wall with the PCE’s. As awesome as they were, there was something that was not complete. My suspicion was that I needed to pay more attention to the investigation of feelings, that it’s very likely I had been denying, ignoring, repressing feelings, the undercurrent of this being the barrier to deeper immersion into PCE’s and possibly AF itself. I should also add that since these PCE’s started occuring, I have continued to meditate, and so had basically been doing both practices. I kept having the image of pumpjacks – a scaffolding system where both sides need to get pumped higher, one side a little then the other. This seems to fit what was happening.

About the PCE’s, and why I believe they were PCE’s, they sort of crept up on me. I wasn’t blown away by a ‘wow’ factor, until later when I could really appreciate what was happening. (A little like the way LSD comes on – at first I would wonder, am I tripping yet? Then after a while all doubt is removed. Note – haven’t done this in 20 years.) They all had a very distinct sort of ‘flavor’ to them. The element of apperception was very vivid and distinct – that I was ultra aware of being conscious, this was perhaps the most striking feature. (It often felt like the PCE was an overtone of consciousness – created somehow by the continued and refined attentiveness to the present, to the senses, that when a critical mass is reached, the whole system sort of expands into a higher frequency and vibrates in a way that creates an overtone – it always felt somehow that ‘I’ was surrounded by consciousness. Again, this is all vague and speculative. I do suspect that somehow charges are involved – that once attention breaks through the frenetic cloud of self, it is drawn by reality like metal to a magnet.)

Which leads to another striking feature - the thrilling and wonderful sense that a veil had been broken through. Attention was no longer immersed and lost in a cloud of self, only able to take brief peaks, have brief encounters with reality. Reality was now very apparent, very bright, luminous is a great word here – and it had the overwhelming sense of being live. I kept having the thought I am no longer practicing – this is live, this is real, there is nothing more to look for. Just the raw sense of the body existing, and the consciousness of this – was overwhelmingly amazing, like how can this even be possible? This is just too cool, too astounding – this is why we are here – to experience life in this physical realm with such ridiculous clarity and immediacy. When I touched things there was no distortion, no filtration whatsoever. (Just being attentive to what my hands were touching would usually bring on this state.) Walking across the grass, or road, feet hitting the ground – again, no distortion whatsover, utterly conscious and present. Clean really does describe the experience. Centerlessness is another striking feature. Pure consciousness experience describes it well. And regarding affect – none whatsoever during these experiences.

So basically that was how things were going into the Goenka 10 day. Now things are different, as I will try to describe in my next post.